fennombeaniocit ptitoth.
.3:ASakii:,ll:llll:_kliAl44 , olo',o4;ldPUSl
SCHLIEFLETOWN,
December 1, 1868.
MISTER FODDER ABRAHAM:
Ich ben now om end tsu der conclusion
kumma for so a wennich my Leawas-lauf
ous tsu shreiva, for ich fin das de leit de
termined sin alles tsu wissa was ich
we ich ufgebrocht bin warm, un we mers
gongs is fun tseit tsu tseit bis of der heitich
dog, for wann melt amold in der Posht
Office bin, donn expect ich tsu bissy tsu si
An my g'shicht tsu shreiva, wI dawrum
will ich's yetz du.
For mor awer a wennich of de shpoor
tsu helps will ich (loch aw now un donn
als ebbas so mit ni bring fum General
Grant, un onnery grossy leit, weil in mea,
das ea reshpect ich about an inonn bin we
ter aw—ufgebrocht, unnich de commony
leit.
We der Grant so about sivva yohr alt
war hut er skit fors tersht mohl in seim
leawa a cent wart commony cigars ge
kawft, un ich wens noch Boot das my
mommy suer als fore g'slunissa but das ich
yusht sivva yohr alt war we ich mer atnohl
drei cent wart chaw-duwack gekawft hab,
un sellamohls hab icli awfonga tsu chawa,
under Generttl Grant hut aw sidder sellam
ferleicht meaner cigars g'shmoked das
ennicher onnercr mon in der United States.
Kea wunner is der Grant yetz der greasht
mon im loud, tin kea wunner welia all de
kit in der Bons welt my deitshe breefa
leasa, except, of course, soddiche wu se
net leasa kenna.
Fun seller tseit aw his ich elf yohr alt
war is iner gor nix gliappend das der
wtert is derfu tsu shreiva.
My (Lowly hut sellamohls dort on der
gross shtrose gewohnt, net welt fum blowa
barrick, un er war aw cans fun denna rout
gleedich lousy demokrata wu yusht der
Adler leasa, tin oily yohr's solid dieket
vota. De mommy hut hawa wella das ich
in de shoot gea, set, un awer der daway
hut g'ineant es ww net noatwendich un
ichkennt noel' a paar yohr warda. Der
hcam hab ich als ollerlea jobs g'shaflt, un
weil ich so orrig uf sei war, lurb ich mich
on a sei dreiver gedingt we HI tswelf
yohr alt war, under pons summer bin ich
als denna lop-oriche un kroll-shwensiehe
sei nocli gedopt mit a geashle in der hond.
Selly bisness hut mich about Boot g'suit,
for nemond but niers noch sawya kenna
das ich des sei dreiva bisness net fersh
tonna hab, un es is an murk wrerdiche
circumstance das on der very tseit we ich
sei gedrivva hab war der General Grant
om hondwarrick lrerna uf dcr gterwerei.
Wane de leit yusht g'wist hetta doh des
shpoat-yohr das der Pit Schweffiebrenner
amohl an sei dreiver war, donn hetta, sc
net yusht so Grant's tanner clubs in de
processions gemarcli'd, awer aw gonsy
Regiments fun Schweffiebrenner sei-dreiv
er, un sell wter yusht's ding g'west for de
demokrata tsu fetcha, for warm se unnich
de sei sin donn sin se in ear= rcchta ele
ment, un feel fun eana het mer seller weg
rivver lucka kenna. Awer, was wrer de
use g'west, for mer hen yogenunk g'hat
ohnase.
Fun dreitsea yohr alt his ich ochtsea
war hab ich als sei gedrivva, in der hoyet
un ternt g'shafft, welshkorn gebaslit,
grumbeere, ous gemacht, shtea gebrocha
un helfit kollich byenua. We kb ftertsea
yobr alt war bin ich drei moonat in de
shool gonga un im fuftseanshta yohr hab
ich noch drei moonat shooling dertzu
krickt, uu doun hab ich mich so tsu sawya
ous glternt considderd. We ich awer
amohi achtsea yohr alt war—uu ich fer
gess es net so long ich leab—donu bin ich
fora tershta mold ous geturnd for exatzeera
uf 'em baddolya, for sell amohls hen se
ale noch do militz baddolyas What, un do
wu so alt warn we ich hen evva aw gea
neissa odder a fine betzahla. Uf course,
ich bin gonga, un bin mit uf cm baddolya
rum gemarch'd un hob mich about so
gross considderd das ennicher onnerer
monn. Now der General Grant, sawya
se, het aw si awfong in der millitz gemacht
so about de neamlich tacit.
Well, des ding war goot ; om baddolya
wara gone cawich feel timed, un fors tersht
mohl in meim leawa hab ich mien amohl
aw gemaeht by eaner—sally Bensamacher
war eara nawnia. Ich hab se amohl ge
dreet uf shmall beer, lebkucha, tsucker
each un drei cent mut grund-niss, un
donn hab ich se g'froked eb ich mit ohm
beam gea dserraft, un se wars aw grawd
warns. Now, denk ich, wterd de very
nacht amohl glshpserriekt, un we mer uf
em weg ware hen mer so fun ollerlea
rshwetzt--ftun baddolya, fun de sheeny
geil, fun de buwa un nued, ftm de soldawta
un ollerlea. We mer one Bensamacher's
house sin kumma don hen mer uns dort
uf de porch onna g'huckt—de Sally uf ea
side uu ich uf de onner, for sellamohls,
du weasht, war ich noch yung tut feel tsu
lilted for rechtshaffa in des shpterricka ni
tsu gea. Was mer alley g'shwetzt hen
kann ich now nimmy sawya, doch wens
ich noch goot das Hier des ding orrig goot
aw g'shtonna hut, un es war sheer gorly
tswelf uhr in der nacht we• ich uf un ob
bin, un doun glawb ich weer ich noch net
fort wann net der alt monn de Sally ni ins
house gerufa bet un mecr g'sawt es wwr
twit heam tsu gea.
Now, ieh kann net sawya eb der Gen
eral Grant yusht about de neamlich tacit
aw g'fonga hut unnich de lured tsu gea
odder net, un awer I'll be bound wann
mer yusht de wohrat wist, dents evva roes
kumma das er aw about Belly tseit si fersh
ter trip fun der art gemneht hut. Kea
wunner is rer yeti Bresident, un ken wun
ner wella se mich Posht bleashter macho,
fun Sehliffletown.
We niers weiter gonga is unnich de
tined, un aw in onnery sacha, will ich der
shreiva in menu negshta bred:
PIT SCIIWEFFLEBRENNEII
NASBY ON THE ELECTION.
CONFEDERATE CROSS-ROADS, Ky., 1
November 12.
Mr. Nasby gives the reason for the
Democratic defeat and enumerates the ob
stacles the party has been compelled to
contend with as follows :
"1. We shood hey succeeded hed the
Republikins nominated a man who was
considerably less popular than Gen. Grant
and who woodent hey bin able to hold so
many votes. Their aint no doubt uv this.
Heti they nominated a man less in &vet
with the people, we shood hey had an
easier time uv it.
2. lied the Dimocrisy nominated more
vopular men—the result wood hey been
far better. Governor Seemore is an ad
miral candidate, but somehow he dident
strike the popular heart. He did all he
mod to soot the masses, but the masses
went back on him. lie made a speech
agin repudiashun, and in favor of paying
the bonds in gold ; and then, that there
shood be no complaint from anybody, he
accepted a nominashun at the hands uv
repoodiators and payers 'in greenbax.
Wat was really a desire to satisfy all kinds
uv people wuz branded ez weaknis and
vascilashun, and so he went down.
"3. Ginral Blare hurt us. It is troo
we bleeve in the sentiments enunciated
in the Brodhed letter, and my admira
shen for him on other accounts is un
bounded. • I hey alluz loved him sence
one memorable night, when I seed him
take 18 drinks in 30 minutes, and walk off
under it. "Here," thot I, "is my soope
rior—to him I bow." I tried to surpass
it, but I caved at the 17th. He is entirely
acceptable to the South. His Brodhed
letter reflex our views precisely. Deekin
Pogram's brother, who lives in Alabama,
knows where his niggers are a livin, and
he ardently desires the abolishin uv the
carpet-bag governments, that he may
seeze, em and redoose cm to their normal
Speer. Captain McPelter's old cavalry
kin be rallied at a minit's notice, and he
asks to lead em again among the rich
farmers uv Southern Ohio and Injeany ;
and we all desire that the Northern men
which hey come down among us like lo
custs with their shops and factories and
stores, and mowin-machines and skool
houses and sich, a tryin to elevate the
nigger above us, slid be hung or sent
packin out .uv the country, leavin us to
manage things our' own way. But Blare
shooden't hey sed so. He shooden't hey
alarmed the week Dimocrisy uv them
States with desire peace, and who are
timed on the subjick uv revolooshen.
Blare hurt us. His letter was correct but
inconsiderate.
"4. Our platform was agin us. lied it
bin different in all partikiers, we shood
hey polled more votes, pervided, uv course,
that we lied lied different men standin
onto it. This is deer.
" 5. The Republikin platform was agin
us. lied they made a different platform
and put other men onto it—their platform
and their men bein both more objection
able to the people, and our platform and
our men bein less objectionable to the peo
ple—the result wood hey bin far different.
This is deer.
"A careful examinashen uv the reasons
for nur defeat shows how neer we come
to success, and how little stood in the
way."
A SCAFFOLD SCENE.
A terrible scaffold scene recently took
place at Tambow, in Russia. Young Gor
ski, a pupil of the high-school of that place,
and eighteen years of age, was to be exe
cuted for havin murdered a family of
seven persons. The young criminal was
conveyed to the place of execution on a
wagon which was escorted by a company
of dragoons. The gallows was surround
ed by a crowd of ten thousand persons.
After the doomed lad had alighted from
the wagon, the sentence of death was read
to him. He was deadly pale, and fainted
before. the warrant was read through.
The executioner then branded him, after
he had been restored to consciousness; the
boy struggled violently and uttered heart
rendering screams when the red hot iron
was applied to his forehead. lle was then
whipped, receiving about thirty lashes.
The executioner thereupon undressed him
and wrapped him in a long white blanket,
tied his feet together, fixed the rope to his
neck, and drew the blanket over his head.
He then lifted him on top of a stepladder
and was about to push him from it, when
the secretary of the criminal court stepped
forward and told the executioner to stop.
The excitement of the crowd had reached
the highest pitch by this time ri and it
seemed - as if all the ten thousand persons
around the gallows were holding their
breath. The executioner lifted the lad
from the step-ladder, removed the blanket
from his face, which was livid and dis
torted with fear, and then the secretary
read to him a letter from the Emperor,
changing his sentence to hard labor for
life. The executioner then untied his
feet, gave him thirty more lashes—the
sentence having ordered that he should
receive sixty lashes—and then clad him
in the convict dress and chained his legs.
He was thereupon taken back to his cell,
and two days afterward sent to Siberia.
MAJ. MARIS HOOPES,
Presidential Elector, Ninth District (Lancaster County) of 'Pennsylvania.
*tinted.
1 :
Civilisation in Delaware—How Criminals
are Punished.
A correspondent sends to the Philadel
phia Bulletin an account of the exhibition
of barbarism in Delaware on Saturday
week. We quote :
THE PILLORY AND WHIPPING-POST
There were seven persons whipped here
to-day, and the ancient instrument of tor
ture' trembled again, as it has done for
half a century, in the terrible embrace of
its victims. It is a curious old relic of a
semi-civilization that is forgotten every
where else but here. It consists of a
sturdy post a foot square. Three feet from
the ground it pierces a small platform ;
and five feet above this there is a cross
piece, which contains, in each of its arms,
a hole for the neck and two holes for the
wrists of the miserable wretch who is to
suffer its torture. The upper half of the
arm lifts to admit the victim, and then
closes sufficiently tight upon him to im
pede the circulation of the blood. It is
fastened down with a wooden wedge-shaped
key, shot into the centre post. The whole
machine looks like a gigantic cross, with
a platform half way down its length.
THE NRWCASTLE PILLORY
Stands in the jail yard. A few years
ago it boldly faced the world upon the
public common. It is a happy omen of
its final destruction that its devotees were
so much ashamed of it that they hid it in
this enclosure. Across the street stands
a church, and behind the jail there is an
other.
THE FIRST VICTIM
The ponderous gates of the jail yard
swung open this morning at 10 o'clock
precisely, and admitted a crowd of men
and children. By actual count there were
one hundred and twenty-five little girls
and boys present, some of them not more
than four or five years of age. This was
the saddest sight of all.
The entertainment began by the intro
duction of William Jones to the audience.
Mr. Jones had stolen store goods worth
thirty-eight dollars, and he was sentenced
to return that amount of money, stand in
the pillory for one hour, be whipped with
twenty lashes, be imprisoned for six
months, and wear a convict's dress for six
months after his release.
The first thing in order was the pillory.
William ascended the long ladder rather
sadly, and the jailor, having placed his
neck and hands in the holes, fastened the
top bar upon them and came down to the
ground. The criminal was taller than the
stock, and he was compelled to bend down
just enough to make his position intensely
painful. A keen, piercing northeast wind
swept in from the broad expanse of the
river and compelled the spectators to blow
warmth upon their fingers. Mr. Jones
had his circulation stopped, but he could
not blow upon his hands.
The jagged, splintered edge of the
wooden collar rasped his neck until it tore
the skin, and whenever he attempted to
move his head to make his position more
easy, the bar would catch the upper part
of his jaw-bone and give him exquisite
torture.
"Jailor, isn't that pretty severe ?"
" Well, yes, it's a very uncomfortable
position, and then his fingers and face get
numb, you see."
While Jones stood in durance to-day,
the jailor busied himself preparing for the
flogging. This is done beneath the plat
form of the pillory. The prisoner stands
close to the post, and has his arms hand
cuffed
above his head. The jailor experi
mented upon the eager boys with the
handcuffs, in order to ascertain if the vic
tims could slip their hands through them
readily. The manacles were too high, so
an empty soap-box was placed at the foot
of the post for the prisoners to stand on.
By this time the man in the pillory began
to show Symptoms of faintness. The jailor,
a tender-hearted fellow—merciful even in
executing merciless laws—ascended the
ladder, and began to comfort the poor
wretch, whose hands were livid with cold,
and whose face was purple. At the first
stroke of the clock in the church steeple,
the jailor quickly lifted the bar; helped the
man down the ladder, and supported him
while he staggered to his cell. He had a
lashing to bear yet.
THE WHIPPING.
The Sheriff came out with the " cat" in
his hand. This venerable weapon con
sists of a stout handle about two feet long,
with nine lashes of somewhat greater
length. The thongs are made of thick
leatler, twisted together, and as hard as
wire. They have been soaked with blood'
before this, and it has dried upon them,
until their edges are as sharp as knives.
The Sheriff has just begun hi. term of
office, and this was his first whipping.
Ile looked as if he was ashamed and dis
gusted.
" I would almost as leave hang a man
as this," said he.
The first candidate for the lash was the
boy alluded to above, who stole seventy
cents' worth of pig iron.
The jailor brought him out, fastened
him to the post, and removed a rough
blanket from his shoulders. He was na
ked to the waist. The thermometer was
at thirty-five degrees.
" Twenty lashes, Sheriff;" said the
The Sheriff swung his "cat" up slowly,
I and it descended on the bare skin.
"One," said the jailor, "two," "three,''
&c., as the Sheriff, tenderly, and with not
half his seeming strength, struck twenty
blows. The skin was not broken, and the
boy. looking very sad, was hurried off.
This officer is too humane for the law.
Other Sheriffs that I know of used to stand
off and eye the victim as a Western drover
would a fly upon hie ox, and then measure
the distance so nicely that the ends of the
thongs would cut bits of skin from the
prisoner's back, and bring the blood forth
in crimson streams.
That was what law and Chief Justices
had calculated upon.
Out came the jailor with another boy—
a boy of fourteen, who was surrounded
by running children gazing curiously upon
him. He had twenty - lashes also, and, as
each blow descended, his muscles con
tracted, and he tried to dodge to avoid it.
"Why don't the Sheriffmake it `swish?'"
asked an impatient Delawarean spectator.
" He ain't half a doin' it, " said another.
"He ought to cut into him," observed
another man who seemed to take it to
heart that "the outraged majesty of the
law" was not better vindicated.
Mt. Win. Mulloney was the next star
actor in this ugly drama. He wanted
drawers, and stole a pair, worth a couple
of dollars. His sentence was, restitution
money, costs, 20 lashes, 6 months impri
sonment and 6 months convict's costume.
Mr. Mulloney seemed calm, and when the
lash fell upon his white shoulders, lie only
shrugged them and drew himself up. He
went away shivering with cold and with
welts of a finger's thickness on his back.
Then there was a piteous sight. An old
man of seventy years, decrepid, feeble and
very lame, hobbling out, his gray hairs
streaming in the wind. He wanted a
shirt, heaven knows badly enough this
bitter winter weather, and he had very
wickedly stolen it. He had none on now.
The jailor fastened him to the post, and
snatched the blanket from his back. His
skin was yellow and wrinkled, and it had
scars upon it. The lashes fell, and the old
man's whole frame was convulsed with
agony. He writhed under each blow as if
it was unendurable, and at last, he put his
head down, and cried like a child. Most
of the spectators were affected. I would
like to have had the unjust judges and the
Delaware law-makers look that poor bro
, ken-down old wretch in the face then. I
think they were the great criminals, not
he.
The jailor whispered in his ear very
hurriedly :
"It wasn't so very bad, George, was
it ?" and then helped him to limp away to
his six months' home.
The next was a foppish worshipper at
St. Pillory's shrine. He wore fashionable
trousers,
tucked into aristocratic top-boots
of patent leather. But the upper portion
of his fine figure was en deshabille. Chas.
Wheatley was his name, and the annexa
tion of those identical patent-leather boots,
his crime. He wore a forced smile upon
his face, and tried to assume a satisfied
air ; but when the "cat " furrowed his
back into ugly crimson ridges, he squirm
ed and twisted as if lie did not enjoy it
hugely. He danced off with affected gaiety,
and the boys and girls rewarded him with
cheers and laughter.
There was no cheerfulness about the
next man. He had stolen a carpet-bag in
the cars at Wilmington, and had been
sentenced as severely as the rest. He
looked sick and very sad. A plaster was
stretched across his bare cheat, and . he
walked with fl3eble and hesitating. step.
The jailor said he was very ill. We stood
up to the post with his teeth clenched, and
his breath coming hard ; and as the Sher
scored his back into swelling cords, he,
shuddered, as if suffering excruciating
pain and overwhelmhw disgrace.
The last actor in this hideous tragedy
was the man who had stood in the pillory
for an hour. He seemed hardly recovered
from his first torture, and his face indi
cated keen suffering. He walked to the
post with an air of melancholy resignation,
placed his blue hands through the mana
cles, and received his punishment without
au utterance but a suppressed moan.
As he passed through the grated door of
the prison the crowd began slowly to dis
perse, and to discuss as they went the ex
cellence of the system, the behavior of the
sufferer and the lenity of the Sheriff.
POPULAR OPINION
in Delaware Is, I find, strongly in favor of
this mode of punishment. There seems
to be an idea here that the man who com
mits the smallest crime places himself in
stantly beyond the reach of sympathy,
considerations of humanity, and the de
mands of simple justice. He is an out
law and a vagabond, upon whom sinless
society may wreak its most terrible ven
geance, even to the extent of mutilating
his body, and utterly ruining his moral
nature. Fallen angels in Delaware never
rise again. Law clips their wings and
stamps upon them with its heel, and soci
ety shakes off the dust of its feet upon
them and curses them in their degrada
tion. The gates of mercy are shut upon
them, hopelessly and forever, and they
walk abroad with the story of their shame
blazoned upon them, as the women (lid
who wore the Scarlet Letter, in the old
Puritan times in NOW England, that all
the world may know it. They know that
their punishment has been fierce and ter
rible, and out of all proportion to their
offence, and realizing this, they rightly
feel that they have been dealt with unjust
ly and iniquitously, and they curse their
oppressors and hate them and all mankind
with a bitter, unrelenting hatred. They
know they will not be allowed to reform.
acid that the law which should have led
them to a better future has cut them off
from fellowship with their race, robbed
them of their common humanity, and
made pariahs and outcasts of them. They
are turned to stone, and they come out of
their prisons confirmed, hopeless criminals.
Let the reader remember that Delaware
is an intensely ``Democratic" State 1 It
is a fair representative of the civilization
of the party. Its Legislature is unani
mously "Democratic," and keeps an hab
itual drunkard in the U. S. Senate.
A FEARFUL TRAGEDY.
The Crochet (Texas) Sentinel, of Sep
tember 22, gives the details of a fearful
tragedy enacted on the previous Sunday
night, at Calhoun Ferry, on Trinity river.
Mr. Charles Hall, the ferryman, Ins wife,
Miss Hall, a girl about thirteen years of
age, the sister-in-law of Mr. Hall, and an
unknown stranger, were all brutally mur
dered. The instrument was an ax, and
all the victims had their skulls terribly
chopped to pieces. Mr. Hall seems to
have been called down to the ferryboat and
was murdered immediately on the river
bank. his arms were badly bruised, from
which it appears that he had made some
effort to defend himself; but the defense
was useless. The assassin's ax was bu
ried deep in the top of the skull. His wife
seems to have gone to his rescue, and was
met about half way between thei house
and boat. The ax was buried in her cheek
and temple, producing instant death. The
assassins next rushed upon a strange man
who was spending the night with the fam
ily. The little girl was struck on the side
of the head, and the whole scalp was raised
and the brains knocked out. The stran
ger's head and face were shockingly muti
lated. The signs about the place indicated
the presence of six or seven persons. It
is believed that both revenge and booty
actuated the fiends to the perpetration of
this bloody deed.
MISSPENT EVENINGS.
The boy who spends an hour of each
evening lounging idly on a street corner,
wastes in the course of a single year three
hundred and sixty-five precious hours,
which, if applied to study, would familiar
ize him with the rudiments, at least, of
almost any .of the familiar sciences. If,
hi addition to the wasting of an hour each
evening, he spends five cents for a cigar,
which is usually the ease, the amount thus
worse than wasted' would pay for four of
the leading magazines of the country.
Boys, think of these things. Think how
much precious time and good money you
are wasting, and for what? The gratifica
tion afforded by, the lounge on the corner
or by the cigar is not only temporary, but
positively hurtful. You cannot indulge
in these practices without seriously injur
ing yourselves. You acquire idle and
wasteful habits, which -will cling to you
with each succeeding year. You may in
after life shake them off; but the proba
bilities are that habits thus formed in early
life will remain with you to your dying
day. Be cautioned, then, in time, and re
solve that as the hour spent in idleness is
gone forever, you will improve each pass
ing one, and thereby fit yourselves for use
fulness and happiness.
LINCOLN.
In his late speech at Carlisle, Ohio, Mr.
Stanton said: " I have been told by those
who visited their friends in Europe, short
ly after the close of the war, that in every
household, in every place, by every fire
side, there hung the portrait, more or less
rude, of Abraham Lincoln." Mr. Lin
coln's portrait is found in Asia, as well as
in Europe—and in Nuts of Asia where
Americans are rarely seen. Mr. Thomas
W. Knox, in his journey through Siberia,
two years ago, frequently saw portraits of
our martyred President hanging on the
walls of the wayside stations and in the
hands of the wealthy citizens. At Eyater
lnburg, in the Ural Mountains, he was
shown a bust of Mr. Lincoln, that was
being made to the order of a wealth Rus
sian. The bust was five or six inches in
height, and cut in topaz, from a model
procured from America, for the purpose.
rrr-ww:wl7o7l''TP:M
What a place for sportsmen some por
tions of California must be ! A gentle
man writing from San Bueneventura says
that the rabbits, hares, quails, ground
squirrels, and other birds and animals are
to be counted there by thousands 2 and
that he shot a buggy-load of them in an
hour or two without leaving his seat. He
killed on one occasion, two rabbits at one
shot, and three at another. In the last
instance he only saw one; but when he
went to pick it up from the side of a bush
he found two others kicking their death
throes alongside I Indeed, game is so
plentiful there that farmers are obliged to
kill it off with poison in order to save
their crops from being eaten up.
Puoir, the copperhead Judge of Frank
lin county, Ohio, has been held in $5,000
bail, for issuing fraudulent naturalization
papers. What is to be done with Snow
den, the clerk of the Pennsylvania Su
preme Court? Turn him out, or quit
talking about naturalization frauds, and
the purity of the Judiciary,
Ohsr Pint ialto.
—Advice to old bachelors who dye their
hair—Keep it dark.
"Nat, what are you leaning over that
empty cask for?" 1 ‘ I'm mourning over
departed rpirits."
Why is a horse half way through a gate
like a cent? Because he is head at one side
and tail at the other.
—Why are women extravagant in
clothes? 13ecause when they buy a new
dress they wear it out on the first day. re
—An Edinburgh paper says: We regret
to find that the announcement of the death
of Mr. W— is a malicious fabrication.
—A county exchange speaking of the
inefficiency of its police remarks: "If
everybody were to stand in the streets,
how could anybody get by?"
—An eccentric clergyman lately said in
one of his sermons, that " about the com
monest proof we have that man is made of
clay, is the brick so often found in his hat."
—There is a landlord in Boston who is
in the habit of placing an extra fork beside
the plate of such boarders as have not paid
promptly—being an intimation to " ork
over."
—The principal of a school advertises
the opening session thus: "Dear Boys:
Trouble begins September 13." It is evi
dent that this man has not forgotten his
schoolboy days.
—An editor describing a church in Min
nesota says: "No velvet cushions in our
pews; we don't go in for style. The fat
test person has the softest seat, and takes
it out with him at the close of the service."
—" I say, boy, stop that ox." "
haven't got no stopper, sir." " Well,
head him, then." " He's already headed,
sir." "Confound your impertinence—
turn him." "He's right side out already,
sir." "Speak to him, you rascal you."
"Good morning, Mr. Ox."
—At a masked ball of the Grand Opera,
Paris, a domino said to a gentleman, "Do
try to squeeze into my box." "I should
like to squeeze into your heart, madanie."
"My dear boy, 'tie impossible, for 'tie as
full as an omnibus on a rainy day."
" Make somebody get out." "1. can't ;
they have all paid their fare."
—So loner as children, whetheryoung
,
men or maidens, ever come with unhesi
tating confidence to their parents, and tell
them all their troubles and temptation.?,
the parents can keep them under a guiding
and coutroling hand; but as soon as they
begin to conceal their offences, and espe
cially their temptations, from their parents,
the devil gets the inside track and is sure
to win the race.—Olirer Deer, in Pack
ard's Monthly.
—Fred. Douglass said at the Equal
Rights Convention, a few years ago, the
only luxury he enjoyed, was a whole seat
in a car. Even that luxury he did not
have now. The other night he was riding
muffled up in his blanket, when somebody
asked him for half his seat. lie stuck his
head out and replied, "I'm a nigger."
"I don't care who the d-1 you are, I want
a seat."
—A gentleman riding, came to the edge
of a morass which he considered not safe,
Seeing a peasant lad, he asked whether
the boo. was hard at the bottom. "0,
yes, quite hard," replied the youth. The
gentleman rode on, but his horse began to
sink. " You rascal," shouted he, " did
you not say it was hard at the bottom ?"
"So it is, rejoined the rogue, "but you're
not half way to it yet."
—A farmer who had employed a green
Emeralder ordered him to give the mule,
some corn in the ear. On his coining in,
the farmer asked :
" Well, Pat, did you give the mule some
corn ?"
" To be sure I did."
" How did you give it ?"
" And sure, as you told me, in the ear.''
" But how much did you give ?"
"Well, ye see, the crayter wouldn't
hould still, and kept switching his ears
about so, I couldn't get but a fist full in
both ears."
—Au amusing anecdote is told of an old
gentleman who . ministered at the altar
years ago, which is too good to be lost. It
was customary then to wear buckskin
breeches in cold weather. One Sunday
morning Father H— brought his breeches
down from the garret, but the wasps had
taken possession of them during the sum
mer, and were having a nice time in their
comfortable quarters. By dint of effort
the old gentleman got out the intruders
and dressed for meeting. After reaching
the church he commenced the ceremonies,
and while reading the Scriptures to the
congregation he felt a dagger from one of
the small-waisted fellows, and jumped
around his pulpit, slapping his thighs ; but
the more he slapped and danced the more
they stung. The people thought their
pastor had gone crazy, and some of them
started up the aisle to take charge of him,
fearing that he mi i ght do himself bodily
injury, but he explained the matter by
saying. " Brethren, take your seats ; don't
be alarmed ; the word of the Lord is in
my mouth ;" (feeling another sharp sting)
" but but but the devil is in my
breeches."