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BREEF FUN SCHWEITLEBRENNER.
Nuf,nibur (kr 24ta,
MISTER FODDER A MIAIIAM
1)1111111Sht 1111111 (11, 4 1110111 t`Xcll'tll NVIUIII
ich 110 w a wennich fun mer selwyr shred).
\ctz hab ich shun for sex moonat Idly
woch an breef \ - va for in dor FOD
DER ABRAIIA)I S 1111 11:111 pleb kea rent .re
cliarg'al derfire. i'fs nit
tswansich tlotts:nnl 'wit lien 4)11y woeli Iny
brei , fa geleasa_ lett nn 11e l'A. - rVV sin al,out
so weit bekannt Ivarra das ennicher on-
nerer iniain 1111 fraW. 4..X4•41)1. Ut Collrse,
der - Mister (4rilllt uu de :M1:4).)c)-4 (41%1111..
ich kainis proof,t tint hutincrta fun lirecEL.
iu schwartz int wcis. das ich tuelitier ! redu
hab for dtr ;rant. si4ltl4 r ,I:is it b litleh ltU
de Republican side gedrcat hab, das en
nichtn nionn in S 411 1 .111104) NN u.
wann ich (le Posta 011ico kriek,
elonn bin ich tbr sell ._• It incr
an grosser IlaNVllla. 1)11 4144i111 11011 ich lm
shin ainohl au frisher shtart Isu twituna.
un yotz will ich inch all wissa lussa was
calculation is, De ll.evtry meant es
trier an first rater plan, un doll is er:
Ich hab a notion inich nlea particularly
ob tsu gevva twit shreiva der FinwEtz
ABIZAII.I3I, net yusht alleanieli fun wcaya
politics. awer ollerlell annoy sa c ha. F o r
instance. cans fun ineina alty NA:aunt:l
hut on ntich g'shrivva. all do Weg 11111
01114) rci, 1111 or insist Waif, (las sithler ich
yets so orrig goot bekonnl Liu in der ,rots
United .-ilitates tut jnt ivvericha deal fun
der welt—for oily It ii leasa iicr FoDDEit
numl.t - m— set ich by all in, , ans a fully
..Q - sliicht fun uu nut h awa shrciva—
on!rit is we ich iersht ohgeweatit bin war
ra moincr : rul ich in de
shoal gong.a. 'Vi hit als k•necht for
yohra long ufdo bau,.rat g•shatrt hab tut
we iner als in it sink shula, un on de lio
warrick frt Nv4) jilt ) 4'1'4..4.41t
bah tyr jells 1114)111 in menu lawn a
ine;ullekorrisecrt hob, tin we lel: um•litler
howl noch dent das ich aniold
fersholinia hab- about oily Soinslidi , g
owat nous bin unnich tie inw(l: we jolt's
bckannt warra bin 11111 der Ili v
un we ehner inich outs entta hut wella. tut
we ors not hut huninia kenna. \Vann ich
tsurick denk, un nny t illlgy uutrta, tin WI
kb so by do secs. WI 11444'11 12:44r i lorri e lc s
Kitzchlorters meets-houso 1111 d e r Bevt-c
earn !rifler ferslitond tan (.11(
greaslity tut popularslity 111(.11111.r iin gonsa
Slitate bin wawa. dotal I•linints liter st.l
wer fore das 1(•it wissa s(a la was flier
olli.s iu ineim gonsa kawa fore kitinnia is.
Now, Mister FooDEit tl tt
mu ht uct aunkn. (las ich , (.Iwer uP de no
tion kumma bin, for de wry proposition
IS liter gemaeht warra
ich kanns proolit iii seliwartz nu Weis
by °Mild' hoeh gelarnty leit—by Law
yers, tin Porra, no DUCkter, 1111 whe hit
fun ! , rossy reshpeetability un kor
roekter. We lersht mit der Bevv3 -
g'shwetzt hal) derweay:t li;tb MI net voslit
so orrig feel gedenkt fun so g'shieltto
shreiwa fun wellya 111Ver selwer. Donn
but awer amohl de Bevvy ultra meanung
Aeeht so. •• skitter das du yetz a
deeenter moult un a leading Republican
MAI, nuts Ow tli _oases leawa in de FOD
DER ALLAH 31 Tseitun“ - ni, uu neniond
kons besser do dos du selwer. hut
mich aw crinnert on de tact das (outcry
grossy leit yusht of den very Nveg sick in
der welt nuf shallit. For instance, seeld
de Bevvy. wan a mums shaft of n ;rar
werei, mmieh do shtinkiehe uxa belt un
kee kernel., noun is es of course gor nix
abbordichs; awer wand so a 11101111 IVC der
General Grant tuuold draw goat oils uxa
heit gterwa, done slainkts gor Manny we
tsufore, un es that midi ow net wunnera
wan de hoehmeediche shtadt ladies vets
noeh gor de notion winma (leant an ivver
ow fashionable Rohr cal inacha ors ally
kee shwentz, un eollone wasser fun der
bree oils de grerwers' gruva. ( 7 n, scent
de Bevvy, warm elms wasser-mellona od
der so saeha, fress'd, donn frisked nentond
nix dernoell, till aIPCP wann Si) caner we
der Sehnoyer amohl an raley sow fun sielt
macht, un fress'd a gonsy wasser-mellone
of amold, clone duna anyhow de copper
heads aw ni sea for wasser-mellona, pro
viding es tint net interfera mit ehram
De Bevvy hut widder meld. Eskunitut
net druf aw was cans dot for de duwt
wiehtich tsu macha, awer y Lista esters dot.
tin so, Mr. FODDER Apo AII 31.—t slvitilot
nicer un deer—kununts liter fore is es ow
a wennieh mit breefa shreiwa. Wann
yusht so commony leit shreiva, Bonn least s
nemond, tin awer warn ieh under ail Just as our jolly job was dono,
un so kit
Krecly on der 4iteekslipcer
amohl de fedder in de hood nemma, done That Grant and Colfax were elected.
look out, for es gebt sure chbus t s u kasa
das aw derwlert is.
Now. ieli 11a1) lily mind noeli net lidlens
of ! , enitleht t.l) ich nochdem my cayney
gevva set odder net. Ferleielit
tltt fiu• im I\lll <las Icl+ amoltl cans fun
denna dog runny set, for Kungress, oder
noeh gor for in (le Scully, mists anyhow
gedu wa.rra. hit will ewer doch noeh
pair dog Ist' sea derweaya, un drivver
nun—Hullo. Joe, was hut (hell ! , esliter
so ferdullt shruart Otis 'cm Squire Sesy
lwas seine huuse kiln) ma ma elm ? War
.I(w—Nix abbordichs; leh hal) yuslit a
wennieli mit der 13etsey :.(shparicked, un
done is so gulls unferbuila der alt monn
dertzu kumma un hut mer tsu ferslitea
gevva dam :er Beats net gleieha.
Dun--Arco we hut er den: tstt ferslitea
gevva—uf an guterodaeran gruvvcr wed?
Joe-- Ei mica, cr but .gor kea wart
Oro((---W(.11, we but crs nut gentacht ?
Ei cr but cvvit ytislit (leer of
(•"\v-slikin run 411. r w:111,1
krickt, min (lonn bah ieli tsti nu r
selwer re(lenkt er eicicitts 1101 11:4 HI (It'
Betsey so sliparrick, mill hut tsu (lcr con
clusion kunitua midi so a wennichnus 'cm
sittatth Ist! ntaeha , tut critirse.biti
ich yttsilt sn fort ! , (ing:t. (lit w( min (It )
war (101111 Mks.
D(o)- -Y rt but (r (licit. min
lu bisht net s(4 fort on a" (lit
sogsht. :mot. e-sliprtuni:a hisht (las wann a
(lons:Awl hlo(,(1-leminl1 hinnich (ler limit
NVi 11, ilerrit tilt
14. r Dan hut ( an( f:•rshprollm si maul
t , -tt halta (lcrwraN :INVI•1', ;...r ii,•how, (1.
11115 (loch forshnoppt halva. sun ht
Vs ;I llt't kinania (las ich c. Vrtz
o,l(sliroiN I,,ain 1;)r-- in (1(•r 1'4t1(1. r llva
ham ni tit hi.
The „,, s , I ,_
Any une \Tilt( It all acrw , tiC.
all(' 1010 ltaS fill the l'1111):11T:1 , 111(`Ilt - 01
to particlllar Ictter,
ran. :ippreciate the ingenuity demanded
the fullowne , . 1111,Tc the tt hnit alphallt't
illtllolllol, ',Mil (1(11 WA , III iu cu h ling.
eXactS its proper initial:-
"An Austrian army, awfully arrayed,
Boldly, by battery, besieged Beltrrade,
cossa c k commanders cannonading come,
Dealing destruction's devastating doom.
Every (.1141eay.r engineers essay,
For fame, for furtune—tighting furious fray,
Generals 'gainst generals grapple;—great God!
How honors Heaven heroic hardihood !
Infuriate—indiserimiate in ill,
- Kinsmen hill kinsmen—kindred, kindred hill!
Lahor low levels loftiest longest lines
Men march 'mid mounds, 'mid nodes, 'mid
Ntrw noisy nut - therm Imtive 11.+11;41“
tat' outward VA)staolvs, opposimz ought;
Poor ptitriots,partly purelmsedotortly t - t‘ssetl,
Quite quakiug,quiekly um t•ropirtcr 'quost.
Ileason retunis; redountb,
Suwarrow stops such sangniii;try sonn.k.
Truett to the Turk—triumph to thy train !
Unjust, unwise, unniervitul Ekrane
Vanish vain victory, vanish vk•tory vain !
Why wish we warfare'.' wherefore welemm,
XerXeS, Xi X;1111111,115 4 ,
yo youths ! yv 3-4•0171 , 11, yit.lll p.m. yell!
Zf.llO . S Zarpater'S ZuroaStf•l'',
And all at tract ing--against arms appeal."
Me•. PARTINOTON ON MA:MI.I44E.
Partin , jon. from out
placed the Hack bonnet in the Hug-pre
served lunilhox : I young
people vonte together with tlw promise tit'
love- cherish and nourish cayli other.
\vhat a solemn urin e is twitrininy- -
a very solemn thin;. AVllcre the
l'o111(•:-• into (11:111cerV With -., 111:11111S,
gews throWi'll the cvn.tamiy or ittahiwr
them malt Fold \v it . ,. It oa,ht to lie tt,-
c " rlt isn ' t
that turns mit to he a nmn. 1 declare I
never shall forget When Paul put the nup
tial ring on my linger. awl said. • with
worldly goods I thcc enth)w.' Ile tit•vil
to k evi) (I d r y ; , 4 ,), ( 1 s ,lore then. :111(1 I
Illtffielit lie\Vas ale the whole
there was in it. I was voung :mil simple
and did not know, till afterlvart s. that it
meant one calico g..wtt a .‘.‘ ii. It is a
i iive i v s i g ht to sye young . people 'plight
ing their trough,' as the song; says, anil
etnnin-g up to collsilitio their VOWS."
A lady was reading to her live-year 01,1
boy the story of It little fellow \VIII tsi'
titer Nvas taken ill and died. after which
the youngster set himself diligently to
work to support himself ilial his mother.
IN'hen she hail finished the story she said:
" Now, 'Tommy, if pa were to die,
wouldn't you work to help mamma ?"
•• Why, nut. — said the little fellow, not
relishing the idea of work, ••What for
.1 in't We got a pill house to live in, and
everything so nice'?"
•• U. yes, my child," said the mother,
"but we can't eat the house, you know ?"
`•aint we ! , of plenty of things in
the pantry ?'' said the young hopeful.
"Certainly my dear." replied the mo
ther. but they grill 11(4 1:N1 long;—and
what then ?"
•• ma." said the little inconioible,
'• ain't tiler'. vitott! ,. ll to last till you get
Mit tiavt‘ it tip
TILE BURIAL OF SIR JOHN (Sey)-M01:11.
Not a sigh was heard, nor a funeral groan,
As up Salt River we scurried;
But we longed to leave the cold corpus alone,
For we heartily wished lie was buried.
We buried him deeply on election day,
(All our votes for Ulysses casting, )
And smiled when we thought how his New
York " friends "
Would pray for his rest e,verhtsling.
No Star Spangled Banner enclosed his breast,
Tint in a wet blaN ATI we bound him;
And he lay like a gray-back taking his rest
With a secesh slag around him.
DER JOE UN DE BETSEY.
N CROST EC.
HY A. LONGFELLOW, JR
HON. ISAAC B. CUBA,
Deputy Secretary of the Commonwealth of Peuusylvaula.
1 imist writ 4, it; if evor reitil a
lino of it, I must, \\lido it is all ni.w
iti ntt mind, Ivriii• not tlic liistnry iit
tit last tw,i Avoi•ks, awl the (It
••niti• as I iarry tall. loco.
U~u al first iniulc hprappcaranco in 1110
house ttsu w, kS LISt :‘11111(111V. 111111 I
luT hrattil Carp attil stout figure with
hearty Nvvicoine. Little dill I realizA , hut
lw:ritt at the ho , intiii , . I was. I ani it
V, r•: vo',lllg, yvt S.lwlm•th•ally,
I ,h ) lo o ns , iinctliing or the arts and sci
ctit.o,4 thervunlo appvetaininLr. I IVOS
rie,l two vt ago; hilt we 11:1Ve
tcass Irl3r,lod 11111;1110W, and when I start
nit. pro t - huu,r, ‘vith Itwogirls. ;oral
n ever ii v. I flincicil clock
v• - ork \Voillii 14 . ' a nu•ro watillerhu , varmalit
comparoil with tlik , ro , ..!:ularity or my pro-
.TIV:IS on a Sunday morning, — as the
sow , say , . (hat my troubles h(.O - an. I 'was
ilres , ing for churvh, when my di:miller
maid came up Ivith a rueful countenance.
"If you please. Mrs. Ilarvey. I'm
••( king ' \\Awry?"
'• lyilvo. ma'am. lonw. I'vA , got, It
:Toil of ip.ttral2ia comin , ,r, on, and ['in going
holm. to lay In-,"
But pill (:au lie dmvit lien., if you aro
\l'cll. ma'am. 1 ain't to -RV sa.k,
lnd For a turn. —
—lrts. I have twuralgitt in •,i)(.11 s, autl
I altvac;- G t 1 'tau coming."
11 oril, , \vii . ,. vain. t:o gho would, and
dirt. 1 \vciit int.) the liitchon to ex
plain to thy' cook that must do double
duty for a sva-: a prrtoct
nod to lily utter attiazcinent shy
round with the cry:
"I ione! Jane _one! Will you ct an-
"To-d:ty? . '
How (lin i!rct irl On Sunday? "
.I.nd to-mi,rrow is Ivasli day! It'ell,
I'm not going to ><tav to do all tlo work.
eiilier alto a her girl early to-mor-
row or I'll leave!"
" You'll lea Ve 11U1V, in the shortest space
of Bute it takes to ” . 0 from here to the
door," cried !Earn - from the sitting-room,
1111 Pro he had overheard us.
With many insolent speeches she de
parted, and inconvt :dent as it was, I wars
glad to see her !..o.
( course there Was 110 church, and I
began to get dinner. Harry, like a nms
entitle angel as he was, took off his coat
and came, down to hip me, with an as
surance that he actually could not sit still
and hear the cook use the tone she did one
instant leiiger. It was a merry day. Har
ry raked the lire till his glossy brown curls
were powdered with gray, which prema
ture sign of age was produced, he assured
me, by " care, and not the weight of years."
Ile peeled potatoes so beautifully thatthey
were about as big as bullets, after he had
taken otY the Skill an 1111'11 thick all round.
Pies were the only article of cookery with
which I was particularly acquainted, so I
made a meat pie, two apple pies, and short
cake thy supper, which we ate with the
dinner at six o'clock. It was late enough
when we cleared up, but at last all was
done hat one thing. Harry was in the
bath-room refreshing himself, when I dis-
covered that the coal was all gone. I hated
to call him down, for he had worked hard
all day, so I took the scuttle and went
down in the cellar myself, laughing to
think how he would scold when l►e knewit.
I am a weak woman, and not very strong,
but I tilled the big scuttle, and tugging
away with both hands, started up stairs.
I was at the top, my labor nearly over.
when somehow, I can not tell how, I lost
n►v balance. I reeled over, and the heavy
thing came with me, down to the bottom
a the stairs. I felt it crushing my foot.
I heard Harry's call, and then fainted. I
kicor now, though I did not then, how he
lifted u►e in his strong arms, and carried
me up stairs, and the touch of the cold
water which he poured over me is thenext
thing I rem►e►uber. As soon as I was con
seiims and able to speak, 1 let him go for
the doctor, lamenting that mother and
Lou were both out of town for the sala
Well, well; it was a weary night ; no
time to scold, Harry said, so he petted,
nursed, and banded me, till my heartnehed
with its tallness of love and gratitude.
Morning found me, my fractured ankle in
a box. lying helpless in lied, and Harry
promised to send me a girl immediately.
Ito, after this long prelude, I come to "our
" 0! I must tell you how I tarry made
inc a slice Of buttered toast for breakfast by
buttering the bread on both sides and then
It was about nine o'c•lock when my new
girl rune. Ilariw had given her a dead-
Latch key, so she entered and came up to
my door. Her knock was the first pecu
liarity that startled me; one rap. halt( as a
pistol-shot, and as abrupt.
With a sweep the door flow hack, and
in th e space stood my 11CW acquisition.
flop a moment. 1 must deserihe her. She
MIS very tall, very robust, and very ugly.
I ter thick hair grew low on her forehead,
and her complexion was uniformly red.
1 fer features were very large, and her
mouth full of (her only beauty) white, even
teeth. Still, the thee was far from stupid.
The mouth, though largo, was flexible and
expressive. and the 1)1 , Hack eyes promised
intelligonce. l'lt 1)11! how can I describe
her "ways," as Harry calls them:? She
stood for an instant perfectly motionless,
then she swept down in a low and really
not ungraceful courtesy.
" Madam, ,, she said ill a deep voice,
your most obedient."
" You are--" I said, questionably
" Your humble servant."
This WaS not `• getting on "
" You are the girl Mr. Harvey sent from
the office? ''
"I am that woman," she said, with a
flourish of her shawl; "and here is my
certificate of merit ; " and she took a paper
from her pocket. Advancing with a long
step, a stop, anotlwr step and stop, u n til
she reached my bedside, she handed me
the paper with a low bow, and then step
ping back three steps she stood waiting
for me to read it, with hands clasped and
drooping, and her head pent as if it were
It was a well-written, properly-worded
note from her former mistress, certifying
that she was honest and capable, and I
really had no choice but to keep her, so I
told Tier to lied her room, lay ow her 1.11-
net, and then comp me a g ain. I was;
half afraid of h. r. She W:IS 110 t (111111 k,
With those hiaek eyes shining so
brightly, hut Ilia. inounc.r itctually savored
of insanity. However, I. was helpless,
itnd then --Harry would come as early as
he could, and I. could endure to wait.
•"Tell me your name," I said, as she
came in with the stride and stop.
'• funny I•arv," she said, in a tone
so deep that it seemed to come from the
vITs - toes of her
" 11, Nlary, first intt tho r) , )111 in or
der borore thr doctur comus.
Oh, if words el add picture that scene!
Fancy this tall. large, ugly woman, amt.('
(l use the word in its full sense) with a
duster, charging at the furniture as if she
were stabling her mortal enemy to the
heart. She stuck the conch into the brush
as if she were saying " Die, traitor! " and
piled up the books as if they were faggots
tin• a funeral Nance. She gave the curtains
a sweep with her bands as if she were put
ting back tapestry for a royal procession,
and dashed the chairs down in their places
like a magnificant bandit spurning a ty
rant in his power.
But when she came to the invalid she
was gentle, almost caressing in her man
ner, propping me up comfortably, making
the hod at once easy and handsome, and
arranging my hair and dress with a perfect
perception of my sore condition. And
when she dashed out of the room, I fin•-
gave the air with which she returned and
presented a tray to me for the sake of its
contents. Such delicious tea and toast,
and such perfection of poached eggs, were
an apology for an eccentricity of manner.
I was thinking gratefully of my own com
tbrt and watching her hang up my clothes
in the closet in her own style, when the
door-bell rang. Like lightning she closed
the closet door, caught up the tray, and
rushed down stairs. From my open door
I could hear the following conversation,
which I must say rather astonished even
me, already prepared for any eccentricity.
Dr. Holbrook was my visitor, and of
course his first question was—
" llow is Mrs. Harvey this morning? '7
In a voice that was the concentrated
essence of about one dozen tragedies, my
extraordinary servant replied—
" What man art thou?"
" Is the woman crazy? cried the doe-
Lay- not that flattering unction to your
soul? " cried Mary.
" ll'm—yes—" said the doctor, musing
ly; then in his own cheery, brisk tones he
added: "you are the new servant, I sup
"Sir, I will serve my mistress till chill
death shall part us from each other."
" Well now, in plain English, go
tell her I am here."
I go, and it is done! " was the reply
and with the slow stride and halt I heard
her cross the entry. She was soon at my .
door. " Madam, the doctor waits!" she
said, standing with one arm out in a grand
" Let him come up," I said, choking
She went down again.
"Sir, from my mistress I have lately
come, to bid von welcome, and implore
you to ascend. She waits within you
chamber for your coming.”
Is it to be wondered at that the doctor
found his patient in perfect convulsions of
laughter, or that he joined her in her mer
"Where did you find that treasure?"
"Harry sent her from the,office."
" Stage-struck evidently, though where
she picked up the fifth-cut actress manner
remains to be seen."
The professional part of his visit over,
the doctor stayed for a chat. We were
warmly discussing the news of the day,
when—whew! the door flew open, and in
stalked Mary, and announced, with a swing
of her arm—
" The butcher, madam!"
I saw the doctor's eyes twinkle, but he
began to write in his memoiandun►-book
with intense gravity.
" Well, Mary," I said, he is not wait
7 ` The dinner waits!" she replied. "Shall
I prepare the viands as my own judgment
shall direct, or will your inclination dictate
"Cook them as you will, but have a
good dinner for Mr. ilarvey at twoo'clock. "
"Between the strokes 'twill wait his ap
petite." And with anothersweeping cour
tesy she left the room, the door, as usual
after her exit, standing wide open.
She was as good as her word. Without
any orders front me, she took it for granted
that llarri would dine up stairs and set
the table in my room. I was beginning
to let my keen sense of the ludicrous tri
umph over pain and weariness and I
watched her, strangling the laugh till she
was down stairs. To see her stab the po
tatoes aml behead the celery was a perfect
treat, and the air of a martyr preparing
poison, with which she poured out the
water, lints perfect. Harry was evidently
prepared f,n. fun, for he watched her as
keenly as I did.
Not one ontnthful would she bring to me,
till she made it as dainty as could be:
mashing my potatoes with the movement
of a saint crushing vipers, and buttering
my bread in a manner that thirty trans
formed the knife into a dagger. Vet the
moment she brought it to me, all her af
feetati(m dropped, and Ito mother could
have I/Vell more naturally hauler. Evi
dently, with all her nonsense, she was
It took but one day to find we had se
c•ured a pert', et treasure, I ter cooking was
exquisite enough file the palate of• an epi
cure: she WaS neat to a nicety. and I soon
flaunt her punctual and trustworthy. Iler
attentions to myself were touchin;* in their
watchful kindness, Sometimes when the
pain was very severe, and I could only lie
sulferin! , and helpless, her large hands
would smooth my hair softly, and her voice
lx?came almost musical in its low murmur
ings of " Poor child! porn• little child!" I
think her large strong frame, and con
sciousness of physical superiority to me
in my tiny form and helpless state, roused
all the motherly tenderness in her nature,
and site lavished it upon me freely.
I often questioned her about her limiter
places. and discovered to my utter amaze
ment that she lower was in a theater, never
saw or read a play, and was entirely inno
cent of• novel rt.adiuw . .
I had become so used to her manner,
and no longer feared she was insano. when
one evening my gravity gave way utterly,
and fOr the first tittle I laughed in her thee.
She had been arranging my bed and self
for the night, and was just leaving the
room, !whine ., in one hand an empty pitch
er, and in the other my wrapper. Sud
denly a drunken man in the street called
out with a yell that really was startling,
though by no means mysterious. Like a
flash, ALtry struck an attitude. One lion
advanced, her body thrown sli , lttly for
ward, the pitcher held out, and the wrap
per waved andt she cried out in 0 voice of
a bit; so
—Gracious 'leavings'. What hideous
screams is those?
Gravity was gone. scroamed
with hiughter, and her motionless attitude
and wonderin!r thee only increased the fun.
`•(;ro down, Mary, or you will kill ine!"
I gasped at last.
To see her brandish a dust-brush would
strike terror to the heart of the most daring
spider; and no words of mine can describe
the frantic energy with which she punches
pillows, or the grim satisfaction on her
lace at the expiring agonies of a spot of
dirt she rubs out of existence. The fun
niest part of all is her perfect unconscious
ness or doing anything out of the way.
harry tinted out the explanation. She
had lived for ten years with a retired ac
tress and actor, who wished to bury the
knowledge of their past life, and who never
mentioned the stage. Retaiuingin private
life the attitude and tones of their old pro
fession, they made it a kind of sport to
burlesque the passions they so often imita
ted, and poor Mary had unconsciously
fallen into the habit of copying their pe
culiarities. When they left for Europe,
she found her way into the Intelligence
Office, where ITarry secured her. Long,
long may she remain "Our Gal."
HOW HOOD FARMERS SAVE MONEY. •
They take good papers, and read them.
They keep accounts of &nu operations.
They do not leave their implements scat
tered over the farm, exposed to rain, snow,
They repair their tools and buildings at
the proper time, and do not suffer a subse
quent three-fold expenditure of time and
They use their money judiciously, and
do not attend auction-sales to purchase
:ill kinds of trumpery because it is "cheap."
They see that their fences arc well re
paired, and their cattle are not found
grazing in the meadows, or grain-liehis,
They do not refuse to make experiments
in a small way of many new things.
They plant fruit-trees well, rare for
them, and of course gut good crops.
They practice economy by giving their
stock good shelter during the winter, also
good food, taking out all that is unsound,
half-rotten, or mouldy.
They do not keep • tribes of cats and
snarling dogs around their premises, who
eat up inure in a month than they are
worth in a life-time.
Lastly, they read the advertisements,
know what is going on, and frequently
save money b it.
Successful farming is made up by attPu
tion to little //days. The farmer who does
it beet earns his money with best appreci
ation, and uses it with best results. Sttelt
men are the " salt of the earth.”
gititt Ooh o.
—The requests to the carrier—
—The spring of domestic, happiness—
--The sweetest girls in the West—
—The salad of the solitary man is, let
—A drunken hackinam's motto: " H ick
—A man, to speak his mind, must have
one to speak.
—Can the bakers on astrike be properly
—The storm king is hard to "bear"
when he is a-bruin'.
—Men, like bullets, go farthest when
they are smoothest.
_unsatisfactory chop for hungry men
--A chop of the sea.
—What do cats have which no other
animal has? Kittens.
--What is Worse than raining pitch
forks? Hailing omnibuses.
—What roof covers the most noisy ten
ant? The roof of the mouth.
---Why is a thief in agarret like rui honest
man? Ile is above doing a wrung action.
—lt may be a fair question whethi r
loan can be said to be wedded to celibacy.
—Many 111(.11 and wonwn have ha(' ()e
-clsi4,ll to know that two tlo not necessarily
make a pair.
I\'IICII a dog insists upon lying on the,
mat, would you consider hint dog-n.ati
--A Gentleman asked a friend if he ( ver
saw a cat tish. "No, — was the l'OSpf •fl,e,
•• hut I have seen a rope walk.''
__R o y. 1)r. Chapin says that a man
in the activities of the nineteenth c-n
-tory is a condensed
—We frequently see it stanal tlwi
seheine is en foot. NV - 0111411'ft a selierde
advanced taster it' it could I got
--The man who — cannot find \void:, to
express his grathule " is adviseil to pur
chase rollit t Of Webster's:lnd Worvesit.CB
••11 - ow shall I stir the tiro
13, at a musical party, "without interrupt
ing the music? .. "1,;(11Cl(11 Fe
plied his friend.
--A disagreeable old bachelor s;iys that
Adam's wife was called Eve because, w
she appeared, man's day of h a ppi lwss was
drawing to a close.
—A frantic thin correspondent says that
the ladies are beginning togive up society,
because they encounter nothing but sp,in,
boys and prematurely old men.
—Many a man thinks it is virtue that
keeps him from turning a rascal, when it
is a full stomach. (Me should be careful
and n o t mistake pkitoes for principle , .
-- Never be I listurhcd by trifles. They
are beneath your notice. Look at 1114. ele
phant and rhinoceros during mosquito
time, and learn composure :Mil piliV
—A \wag. house !,:11
1) , 4 . 11 ahilost 1111111in'd
IN"11()..40 it NV:IS. 130111,4' 1)111 that ii era ,
hal ((A's, — l)h," .ail he. — 111(11 thu I ,-s
a lacow111:1 •
tho ol)jvct ()I' his a(l«rtati. nt, and,
Attar Way, " 1)1) not Ict :lily
111111i/10 it. ••
•• Nil, (Lai'," will thin
" L Will lakr it ail.
.11)y, licaritiLt• it stahal hal
thing of ht'nutY is it .;' 4 )/
calls tievlartql that shit Ivits tila(l : , I1(• a•-;
not ;1 thin , (d . beauty. borattso (lhitt't
to remain Joy rur
" y ot i antl viatt. Dili 04h«11111
one, — said a 1111;11(11y :11.1Viscr In a L. n
pcked husband. Become (al , '—
claimed henpeel;e(l. ••1 1 ,:hy tvt. al., i,,n
now : , Ilntt sor , "She's I, and I'm I.!"
---An exchange says: A \vh :s
iihNv in jail in this city ihr havhez,
Nvives hail the audacity to ask will No.
to tvasli a Ivhite vest fin' him to wear (in
riii!r the cereni:iny with the third \I-moan.
—The of it conlyst nI wit,
tweet' a police justice at the Tombs and a
sauce !tirl \vim was :irraigned tier steaku2;
makes a four-line verse
" TllO brass upon your face," he sail,
" Woulcl male a four heart skillet."
" Your llonor's head," the: girl replicil,
" 11as sal) enough to fill it."
—On a recent trip of one of tlw
river packets - a light draught one, as tlwro
was only two feet of water in the channel
—the passengers were startled by the (Ty
of "Man overboard!" The steamer NV:t.i
stopped, and preparations made to save
him, when lie was heard exclaiming: "tio
ahead with your darned old steamho.tt!
I'll walk behind you!"
--A Western exchange gives vent torts
poetical phrenzy in tlk! following beauti
" I would not dy in Ortum,
With peaches tit for eatin',
When the wavy korn is gettin' wripe,
And the candidates are treatin
When sassadge meat is pltryin',
& hickory nuts is thick,
Ow! who wud think of dyin',
Or even gettin' sick?"
E &Were you advertise for af i ents
who could make ten dollars a day
ALe vEit vattat-- Yes ? of gentlemanly and
pleasing address, and et will be n+ecessar•y tv
depnsite a hundred