Father Abraham. (Reading, Pa.) 1864-1873, November 06, 1868, Image 4
itnnsplbanisc4 lir. I I pi br( 2.70 SCIILIFILETUW:4, "NilfAut , or 2, 18C8. MISDER FODDER ADRAIWZ Deer Sur : Yetz ewer ,gehna. amohl der katz de hohr ouo. Alorya kummts druf acv ep ich der negslit Posht Menshter fun Sehliffletown gel), udder eb de office noel) leer yohr:tiort Munich 'em Nitzelderfer seinit drom si soli, for Wlll3ll der Seimoyer r i ltummt, down, of course, bin ich ousg'shpeelt. A:wer, morytx, we g'sawt, gehna dor katz de holir ous, un well ich ordlich bissy bin alleweil, will ich desmohl wilder my breef korts macha. Ich will awer doch eh ding sawya tsu deka flnf un tswansich dausend FODDER ABRAHAM leaser, Uu sell is, das noch der leekshun hab I. h im shin der olley woch a rechter bully gooter breef shreiva fun weaya allerleh sacha ; de kit kenna mich wissa wtcr on was ich bin ; der nawma fum Pit Schwefflebrenner is yetz bekannt ivver all on in ally shteadta ; in Barricks county, in Heidelbarrick, in der Ohio, in Yorrkk, in Ferginny, drous in Illinois no in Kumberland, so wohl das in Lecha, in Nordampton, in Shoolkill un in Mock Chunk. Un de kit wissa aw was for a roushicho gooty flaw das do Bevvy is ; we se mich rum gecoax'd hot uf de re publican side, un we de meeny demokrat ishe shneek deeb mer my watch g'shtola hen, we ich uf ehra kunvention war dort in Nei Yorrick, un yetz huff ich aw das a yeader moon widder shreibt for der FODDER ABRAHAM, for we g'sawt, ich un de Bevvy shticks dertsu, for WI hab noch feel tsu shreiva fun allerleh. Wenn de leckshun ferbei is, der Seimoyer ous g'shpeelt, doat un fergrawa, dort om owera end fum Sols Revver, dorm, of course, bin ich ftertich mit ehm. Awer, es sin genunk onnery subjects dais ich im sinn hab tsu handle, no der wtorret firma das kb all righCbin in ally swim. Any how, de left missa net denka das tel an old fogy bin, odder das de Bevvy nix weas except yusht fun politics ; un was se net weas, woes ich. Dc Bevvy hut geshter g'sawt das ich set mich by all means draw macha amohl so a shtory shreiva fun we an gewisser moon doh in unser nochbershaft gemanaged hut for Melt a fraw tsu kreeya—we er als nous is gongs unnich de nia , d, on de lodwar rick frolics un uf de flying coacha, un we er ale de circussa un shows noch geluffia is ; un so ball das de leckshun bisness , amohl ferbei is, im de kupperkep recht decf fergrawa sin, dorm will ich der selly shtory iu foll ous shreiva. Un wann ich on der circus under show denk, donn g'mawnts much on der gross Ellifont wu ich g'sea hab im show doh fergonga. Ilusht du di lesiva shun an Ellifont g'seana P Warm net, donn geh by all means on sell clines wann widder amohl der show ins shteddle kummt. De Ellifonta sin about de g'shpossichta krodoora in der welt. Seller wu se im show g'hat hen der letslit summer, war ufs wennichsht sivvatsay foos Koch un so long das 'em Mose Miller si welshkorn house. We der Ellifont shtill g'slitonna is dort fin show, is er mer net yusht so koryose fore kumma, un awer we er amohl awfonga hut tett moofa, lab ich by chinks lacha missa bis ich bench wea krickt hab, un awer we des gross kred door dort In ring rum gemarch'd is, un so in de direction kumma is wu ich war, dorm is mere lacha fergonga, un ich hab mich aw so a wennich ous em weg g'shafft. Ufa wenuichst a halb dutzend moll hen se ehn dort in senate ring rum gemarch'd, un gewockelt hut er yusht we a load boy wanns om nmfolla wrer. Sei bob sin so mud un dick, un hen mich yusht g'mawnd on drei bushel seek foil welshkorn, un fees hut er gor kenny— yusht so dicky helm, un selly wahra grawd shquare ob das wann se unna ob g'scagt mesa g'west. Was mich awer om terrichst ferwunnert hut, war das er de gons Limit hinnerslat fedderslat geluffa is mit seim grossa schwantz forna nous, un de buwa hen ehm als kucha un grundniss un allerleh so sacha gevva, un do krenk will ich kreeya wanner se net ale go grab'd hut mit Beim schwantz, un uf seller weg hut er sich g'feedert, for mind, de Ellifonta ehra meiler sin aw om bin nereht end grawd unnich ehm schwentz. Amer, we g'sawt, worm widder amohl der show in de shtadt kummt, donn gel yusht un gook, dich selwer, wanns aw a holwer da t;for sell is es any how wart i j „,i • , icher Ellifont tau sea. Awer ieb tnua ufbeara ahreiva, amid nuf Own Jake Hulderbach, tor un ich gehna don mitnonner tsum Joe Winkeleisa, un gevva ehm a dicket, un macha ehn fersprecha es aw tsu vota. Wann mer se runner bringa kenna of about sivvatseh desmohl, donn deck ich set sich es gor net fehia weaya, der Posht Office doh in Schlifiletown. PIT SCRIVEPPLZBEENNEII. [Communicated.] Dame Ocracy PhreHologleally Omsidered. This note-orious old lady has a pump kin shaped head, though the Bide view looks very like one of the tlat-heatl tribe of Missouri. One like her is ever anx ious to do something in the world some how, but she can See-more and do less than most old women. Her conacoAL ITY, or love of one, is big, and that one is herself. PARENTAL Lovs—Repudiates the doe trines of the fathers. ADENSITZNEII3—TO her bottle she sticketh closer than a brother. battuinvErrEss—Love of honor— She likes to go ahead, (to vote), but since Tuesday has retired to private lito. CONTINUITY—One thing at a time— Large : the one thing is lying and that all the time. VirsTrvarrEas—Love of life—very large ; catches at straws already. ConmenvENE.so—Glories iu a free fight. DESTRICCTIVENESS—Is large ; likes to pull down what others build up. ALlMENTlvinmes—Appetite—Having been out of omco for some time, is aw fully hungry. Acquisrrivrszw.--would like to ac quire distinction but can't come it much. SEcnrrivENzsts—Policy--Mul one not liked by the majority of the people. earriousNEss—Prudence--Not much; being too easily governed by Southern ers. APPROBATivENEss—Ambition—Huge ; too much for her own good—will have to be content with a back seat. SELF-ESTEEM—SeIf-respect—Has not any of this. Futanzzas—Decision—Has none ; lost it last Tuesday. CoNsciENTlouswEss—Very deficient ; should do everything to cultivate. HOPE—Has not enough for continued hapjoiness. VENERATION—Devotion--Great for whiskey and everything else that is "con stitutional." BENEVOLENCE—Very benevolent to children of Saloon Keepers ; shows it by patronizing their fathers. CONSTRUCTIVENESS—DispIays some mechanical ingenuity in constructing platforms, but they don't last long—not over four months. IDMALITY--Taste, purity—There is a depression here. SUBLIMITY—Love of grandeur—fie would like to be somebody iu the world but Is too old and almost played out. IMITATION—Tries to act like her an cestors, but fails miserably. IltrunFtrLNEas—Not much ; has an anxious, serious look. INDIVIDUALITY—Has none at all ; can't be distinguished from a foreigner recently arrived. Humax NATURE -- Not much, except in form. ComPauxsos—Deficient—Can't even compare New York with Chicago—don't appreciate the contrast. Foam—Fat and plump. Snit—Five feet three. Wztour —Two hundred and fifty. COLOR—Red—nose particularly red. ORDER—Night Tippler. AGREZABLENESB—V ery lovely indeed. CALCULATION—Sufficient for her own wants when using Delmar's High Old School Arithmetic. CAUSALITY—Very poor cause. LOCALITY—` Nowhere" since Tues da.y. TI311:-.—is up. LANotrAoz—Very profane and full of Blairney. Frequently cries "Carpet Bagger." " Carpet Bagger," but echo only answers Carping Beggar, Carping Beggar! TUNE—In Dixie's Land, &c. RUSSIA. leads the world on the woman question. There the husband and the wife are two persons entirely independ ent of each other in the eyes of the civil law. There is a complete political equal ity between the two. It the wife pos sesses the necessary property qualifica tion, she can vote for members to the provincial general councils, her sex being no obstacle to the exercise of the right. FATHER AI3RAITA.M. THE PEOPLE'S CHOICE! President, U. S. GRANT. MR....CASEY GIVES HIS VIEWS ON TEE SI JEC:T OF TUE COMING ELECTIN-UIS HOPES AND FEARS. POST OFFIS, CONFEDERIT X ROADS; (Which is in the State uv Kentucky), Oct,. 13, 1868.-1 am sometimes gloomy, an. despondent, and never more 6'o than now. To me the skies is dark ; to me the cloud; is lowering, and the prospect_gloomv. First. the crops is agm us. Wat wt) wantid to make ashoorance doubly shoor wuz a jolly failyoor uv crops. lied the wheat failed in Ohio, Injianny and inoy—hed ther potatoes rotted in ther fields, and the corn come to naught, we' cood hey them States easy. For it's th uacher uv men to charge up everythin from a theevin postmaster to the failyoot uv corn—the first the most triflin and the latter (l view uv its effeck on the price uv liker) the most stupeojua evils with kin atleck mankind—they charge every thing uv this kind up to the account uv' _ the party in power, and they vote agin - em. When mistorcloon waves her red slag in ther facestthey charge agin it like the bull, never thinkin uv the draw. steel wich is behind to receive em. M otlishal existence is a drawd sword. But Providence is agin us now, e 1 the past. Providence hez a most aggra vatin knack uv comb in jest at the pro per time for the Republikin party. Here .vuz a presher in money matters, in con sekeuco uv short crops for years—we stept in and offered a cure in the shape us , a unlimited ishoo of greenbax, but alas! jest ez the dose wuz hem sweltered, the crops interfered, givin everybody all the greenbax they wanted, and makin it to the interest uv everybody not to hey any more afloat for feet twood deproshate them wieh they hed, and at one stroke this plank wuz knocked from under us. It is my opinion that we'd better drop our financial policy. At all events, we had better let the Pendleton ijee die out in the west and substitute Seymour's for it in that section. It don't make much difference wat we do iu the east, ez ther ain't none uv us ther anyhow, with is forchinit, ez it mite complicate matters. Its my opinyun that Pendleton isn't much uv a statesman anyhow. Another thing theta working agin us is Blare.—ltis rednis UN' face and cheer ful conviviality does much for us in Ken tucky, wher we don't want help, but good Hevins how it tells agin us in the close States wher we do need help. 'His Brodhed letter soots us uv Kentucky; but in Noo York wher our people hey business and want peace, it hez made them skeery. It is my opinion that we'd better drop Blare. Ez to reconstruckshun, that isn't jest ez good a keerd ez we thought it wood be. Wat's the use of howlin that the Ratlikels don't want a restorashen uv the St:tits, when they've admitted all uv em but two or three? Wat's the use uv whistlin in the face uv sich a North wind? It is my opinion that we'd better drop reconstrukshun. The extravagance of the Radikels wuz a keerd wick I bed hopes uv, but it didn't amount to anything. Somehow the peo ple would ask us wich uv our leaders we proposed to put in the places uv the Ablishuists, and when we answered Val landigham, Fernaudy Wood and his brother Ben, Dan Voorhees and Jesse D. Brite, they'd lair derisively, and say, " Lord save us, of these hungry and thirsty theeves get their jaws into the .Nashnel carkis. IVe'druther keep them wich we hey." It's my opinion we'd better drop ex travagance. Taxes hed a joocy look, but good Lord, the people answered us, sayin, "Ef the debt is to be paid, won't we hey to be taxed to pay it P It's payin ,the taxes that hurts—not the politics uv the party wieh taxes us—and ez our people clon't pay taxes ez a rool, they don't thrill much over taxes." It's my opinion that we'd better drop taxes. FEM "katal taxashun" wuz ruthor hefty at the beginning, till the poor men and far mers diskivered that they were payin scarcely nothin on their horses, wagons cows, while the rich cusses wuz carryiu the load. Ez soon ez they made the die kivery they conclooded they didn't want ekal taxashun so much, and they turned agin us. It's my opinion we had better drop ekal taxashun. liepudiashau looked well snuff, but eltrttlY. Ar SB Y Vice President, SCHUYLER COLFAX. that wan't no go. We started out with it, but alars, we found most everybody hed greenbax. The bondholders woodn't consent to repudiatin the bonds, and the greeback holders sed : " Ef we commence at bonds why shb,d we not come to greenbax ?" And so that split. It's my opinion we bed better drop re pudiashun. " But," sez one Dimocrot, " of wo drop all these what will we hey left?" My ingenious friends, we hey all left that we ever lied. We hey the nigger, and from him we never ought to hey de partid. The minnit we let go uv him, that minnit we lost strength. On all these other questions there may be some difference uv opinion—;-on nigger ther kin be none. The Dimocrisy are grounded in this. He is ther Alpha and Omega, ther beginnin and end. We don't nun us want to marry niggers—no matter ow near we may come to it—we don't un of us want to sleep with em,eat with em, vote with em or drink with em (on -less thej poy for the, , -likker,) and we wont. long ez we hey the nigger we hey a rallyin pint. Leejest, therefore, that we drnp ail these other complicatin 'shoes, with are too hefty for us anyhow and fall back, for the November eleckshun i pn the nig. m—one and indivisible.„4l we can't .jadolwe can't win :on aything,, mil ex well Wray up the' sponge.. en the Democratic heart won't thrill at nigger, our coz is lost indeed. Ken tucky kin send 200 to the North as Frite ful Examples, of they are needed ; for we hey jest about that number in this vicinity that we hey lied in trainin for a year, and hew got em down to one level. They are pizenin themselves reglerly, and hang about the groceries jest ez we do, wich, in a nigger, is too awful to be endoored. Whether we yoose. them or not, the nigger is our only holt, and on him we must cheefly depend. PETROLEUM I'. NASBY, P. M Tice indictment. You would not permit a man to con trol his own labor who had once been a slave, or was the child of a slave. You would not allow a man to dispose of his own property on equal terms with his neighbor, because his color differed. You would sell the labor of a colored . man on the auction block, as a punish ment for not working when you would not give him employment. You avowed a policy of repudiation. You turn out Inspectors of election, forge naturalization papers, and issue them criminally, and by violence seek to pervert the voice of the people. The fact that a Republican meeting was to be held in many of the States of the Union, was deemed by you of sufficient reason for shooting down those who at tend. And the jury of the people, on No vember 3d found Democracy guilty and i sentenced t to death. JOSH BILLINGS ON liirLx.—l want to say sumthing. I want to say sumthing in reference to milk az a fertilizer. There are various kinds ov milk.— There iz sweet milk,sour milk, skin milk, butter milk, cow milk, and the milk ov human kindness, but the mostest best milk is the milk that hazzent the moat water in it. Butter milk izzent the best for butter. Milk is spontaneous and has done more to encourage the growth of human folks than enny other likwid. Milk is lacteal ; it iz also acquatic, while under the patronage of milk yen- . ders. Milk iz misterious. Cokernut milk has never been solved yet. Milk iz also another name for human kindness. Milk and bred iz a pleasant mixtur. Sometimes if milk is aloud to stand too long, a scum rises to the surface, which is apt to skare fokes that live in cities, but it duzzent fuller that the milk is nasty. This scum is called kreme by fokes who inhabit the kuntry. Kreme is the parent of butter, and but iz 70 cents a pound. The most kommom milk in use, with out doubt is skim milk ' • skim milk is made by skimming the milk, which is considered sharp practise. Milk is obtained from cows, hogs, woodchux, rats, sheep, squirrels, and all other animals that have hair. Snaix and geese don't give milk. I forgot to state, in conclusion, that cow,millt,if well•watered, brings ten cents per qaart. Hall's Journal of Health says : First—To think that the more a man eats the fatter and stronger he will be come. Second—To believe that the more hours children study at school the faster they learn. Thi rd—T o conclude that if exercise is good for the health, the more violent and exhausting it is the more good is done. Fourth—To imagine that every hour taken from sleep is an hour gained. Fifth—To act on the presumption that the smallest room iu the house is large enough to sleep in. Sixth—To argue that whatovei remedy causes one to feel immedidately better is " good for" the system, with, ge regard to ulterior effects. The "sootbift sirup," for example, does not stop the cough of children, and does arrest diarrhoea, only to cause, a little later, alarming convul sions, or the more fatal inflammation of the brain, or water on the brain, at least, always protracts the disease. Seventh—To commit an act which is felt in itself to be prejudicial,toping that somehow or other it may be done in your case with impunity. Eighth—To advise another to take a remedy which you have not tried yourself, or without makiog special quirstwbather alt the eoaditbtue we al , • Ninth—To eat without an appetite, or continue to eat after it has been satisfied, merely to gratify the taste. Tenth—To eat a hearty supper for the pleasure experienced during the brief time it is passing down the throat, at the expense of a whole night of disturbed sleep, and a weary waking in the morning. Eleventh—To remove a portion of the clothing immediately after exercise, when the most stupid drayman in New York knows that if he does not put cover on his horse the moment he ceases work in winter, he will lose him in a few days by pneumonia. Twelfth—To contend that because the dirtiest children in the street, or on the highway, are hearty and healthy, there fore it is healthy to be dirty; forgetting 'that continuous daily exposure to the pure out-door air in joyous, unrestrain ed activities, is such a powerful agency for health that those Who live thus are well, in spite of rags and filth. = Thirteenth—To presume to repeat, later in life, without injury, the indiscre tions, exposures and intemperances which, in the flush of youth, were prac ticed with impunity. Fourteenth—To believe that warm air is necessarily impure, or that pure, cold air is necessarily more healthy than the confined air of close and crowded vehi cles ; the latter, at the most, can only cause fainting and nausea, while entering a conveyance after walking briskly, lower ing a window thus while still exposed to a draft will give a cold infallibly, or an attack of pleurisy or pneumonia which will cause weeks and months of suffering, if not actual death within four days. Fifteenth—To "remember the Sabbath day" by working harder and later on Saturday than on any other day in the week, with a view to sleep late next morning, and staying at home all day to rest, efeaseienee being quieted by the plea of not feeling very well. To be free from debire is money; to be free from the rage of perpetually buying something new is a certain revenue ; to be content with what we possess consti tutes the greatest and most certain of riches. —"Ah 1" said old .Mrs. Doosenbury, "learning is a great thing, I've often felt. the need aft: Why; would you believe it Y I'm now sixty years old, and only know the names of three months in the year ; and them's spring, fall and au tumn ; I larnt the names of them when I was a little bit of a gal 1" - —A Philadelphia sausage manufacturer gives the following receipt for making bologna sausage : "Take an eel-skin and stuff it with ground cat or dog, season it with Scotch snuff and persimmon oil ; lay it on a hog-pen to dry, and hang it in a grocery store for three months for the flies to give it the trade marks." —Somebody says the first thing that turned his attention to matrimony was the neat and skillful manner in which a pretty girl handled a broom. Yes, says the Printer's Devil, he may see the time when the manner in which that broom will be handled will not afford him so much satisfaction. Fifteen Fo/Lies Batch:lor Ministers Beware. We yesterday heard rather a good story of one of our city ministers.— During last winter a revival was in progress in one of the country churches near the city. Among the attendants of the meeting was a beautiful and es timable, bu tlrat her unsophistica t ed, young lady, whose friends were very anxious to have her unite with the church.-- She seemed, however, reluctant to do so, and the minister in question was request ed to "talk to her." This he did several times, on one occasion saying, in a jocu lar manner," Miss if you'll join the church I'll marry you," meaning he would perform the ceremony. The girl seemed pleased with the proposition, and a few evenings after came up to the altar and united with the church. Sev eral weeks after this the minister pmch ed at the church, and after services met. the young lady. "Brother —," said she, YOU know you promised to marry me if I'd join the church. Are you going to do so ? I don't, want to wait any lon ger." The minister saw his dilemma, and attempted to " I meant 1 would perform the ceremony,'• he said, " that's all. I can't marry you myself, for I am already married, and lovesmy wife too much to swap her off for anoth er." The young lady became indignant, declared that she'd leave the church, and that she "never had much faith in these town preachers." Our ministerial friend declares that he will never Wraill use any other Than Scriptural arguments to in duce a young lady to join the church.— Exchange. Protesto tit Cow. Paddy Murphy and his wife, Bridget, after many years of hard labor ditching and washing, had accumulated a suffi ciency (beside supporting themselves and the "childers”) to purchase a cow, (of course they had pigs!) which they did, at the first opportunity. As it was bought of a Protestant neighbor, Paddy stopped on his way home at the house of the priest, and procured a bottle of holy water with which to exercise the false faith out of her. " Isn't she a foine creature ?" asked Pat, of the admiring Bridget. "Jest hould her till I fix the shed." To save the precious fiuid from/harm, he took it into the house and sat it up in a cupboard until he had " fixed" things. Then he returned and brought the bottle back again, and while Bridget was hold ing the rope, proceeded to pour it upon her back. But poor Paddy had made a :Right mis take. Standing within the sanie closet was a battle of aqua fortis, that bad been procured for a far different purpose, and, as it drooped upon the back of the poor cow, and the hair began to smoke and the flesh burn, she exhibited decided ap pearances of restlessness. " Pour on more, Paddy," shouted Bridget, a s she tugged at the rope. "I'll give her enough, now," quoth Paddy, and he emptied the bottle. Up went the heels of the cow, down went her head, over went Bridget and half a dozen of the "childers" and away dashed the infuriated bovine down the street, to the terror of all the mothers and theMirt of the dogs. podi yiteedft.l.llllf6thent 'Wreath less with astonishment, and then clap ping his hands upon his hips looked sorrowfully, and exclaimed : " Be jabbers, Bridget, but isn't the Protestant strong in her—the baste'" nr * Mk Aokts. sr; —A Western editor, in response to a subscriber who grumbles that his morn ing paper was tolerably damp, says, "that it is because there is so much due on it." —A young lady who teaches music in an academy iu Western New York, sent an order to a publisher, recently, in which she had spelled the words very poorly. She apologized by adding a postscript, as follows : "You must ex kews this letter, as 1 pla bi noat, but spel bi ear." —An editor, sneering at the stupidity of a cotemporary, says— " The best thing he has got off this week was a dirty shirt." —Jennie June thinks so far as women's clothing is concerned, the art of not making anything they want, in the way that they want it, has been brought to perfection. —A professor was explaining in a young ladies' school in France the theory according to which the body is entirety renewed every six years : "Thus, Made moiselle F.," said he, addressing a pretty blond a wide-awake face, "in six years yon will be no longer Mademoiselle F.". "I hope so," replied the unsophisticated, casting down her eyes. —"Are a man and his wife both one ?" asked the wife of a certain gentleman, holding his aching head in both her hands. "Yes, I suppose so," was the reply. "Well, then," said she, "I came home drunk last night, and ought to he ashamed of myself." • —A German tinner sent a bill to a captain for "Ein Scheidirtims of bibe." The captain puzzled over it long. The German finally explained his meaning to be, " One sheet-iron stove pipe." "Did you know," said a Gentile to a Jew, "that they hang Jews and Jack asses together in Portland's" " Indeed 1" retorted the Jew, " den it !eh veil dat you and I bsh not dere." —A harmless death—Drowning in tears. —A pert little girl boasted to one of her little friends that her father kept carriage. "Ah, but," was the triumphant reply, "my father drives an omnibus l" —At a Methodist meeting the singer who led the psalm tune, finding that his concluding word, which was Jacob, had not syllables enough to fill up the music adequately, ended thus : de riddle—cob. —A "down-east" Yankee has recently invented a rat exterinluator, cunsisting of a sort of powder-snuff The animal Jerks his head olfat the third sneeze I —"Father," sail a roguish boy, "I hope you won't bqkfty Mere gunpowder tea for mother." "Why not ?" ealP4 every time she denim it she blows es ap." "Go to bed immediately."