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Brief Pam Schwefflebrenner.
SCELIFFLETOWN, Sept. 15, VAS.
MISDER FODDER ABRAHAM DRUCKER
—Deer Sur : Yetz awer duns unser
Schliffletown shtedler awfonga ufreerish
wcerra fun weaya meer. Ich hab fer
gessa der tsu mentions das sellamohls we
ich sell beevel aid g'numma hab nix tsu
drinka, un aw funs Kitzelderfer's week
bleiva for eh woch, weil de Bevvy es
itnmy shtanda will, das we de woch bus
war hut se mich noch amohl shweara
macha for a gonser moonat. Yetz-is es
shun drei wocha das ich nix meh ge
numma hab, un gons week gehlivva bin
funs Kitzelderfer's, un wann ich draw
denk we feel lumnert mold das se mich
als gedreat heu dort, un we se chin als de
demokratishe party sacha dort explains,
un we uft ich als sivva uf g'shpeelt hab
for de drinks, donn mus ich sauga das es
ordlich hort geat dort week tsu bleiva.
Forgeshter we ich dort ferbei bin uf der
onner side hab ich das de krerls
much gewatchd hen, un das seller long
behnich lawyer fun der shtadt dort war,
un dorm hab ich gedenkt, now doh goats
—ich geh yeti nivver un run widder
amohl my chance for eh dreet—yush
diner, du weasht, for so a wennich shod
nemond nix. Ich bin don aw grawd oh,
un awer we ich so about in der middle,
shtrose war, will ich yeti aw de krenk
kreya wann net de Bevvy grawd dort
urns eck rum kumma is, un donn, kausht
denka, war der Pit Schwefflebrenner
amohi in er fix. Ich awer nivver, ivver
de shtrose, un shtell mich dort onna
wedder der sign poshta un hab gedu das
wann ich nix fun der Bevvy g'seh het.
Ich hab grawd a calculation gemacht das
ich so du wet das wann ich gor net lin sin
het nei ins house tsu geh, un sell dcht de
Bevvy ferleicht satisfya, un donn, wann
se ferbei is, donn kennt ich du we ich
wet. Well, des ding war goot, donn is
amiahl der Sam Dinkop uf g'shtept un
sagt, " Well Pit, we machts als ?" "Well,
so-so," hab ich g'sawt. " Now Pit,"
secht er, " se hen a report doh im shteddle
das du aw lan sin husht nivvertsu geh uf
de 'publican side, un das du dich entirely
rula lusht bei deiner fraw." Sell hut
mich so halwer falsh gemacht, un uf
course, ich habs ferleagent. Donn is
seller long-behnich lawyer rous un grawd
uf mich tsu un sogt, " How-di-du, Mr.
Schwefflebrenner," un hut mer de hond
gevva. Er hut mer ach g'sawt das er
em Joe Muckafiliggle sei lawyer is un das
er kumma is for tau sehna eb mer net sell
Salts un Pattry bisness mit der Bevvy
settle kennt. Er hut so gedu das wann
' ich de umkoshta betzahl uns demokratish
dicket vote du der Joe willens weer des
ding tsu droppa. Donn hut er mer ex
plained we de sacha sin, un das es my
duty is widder uf de demokratish side tau
vote; das den weg deat widder allea
rechtgeh. Er hut rich belumpt das mer
set sich net rule luso bei seiner fraw, un
des de weirr, nix Ausa fun donna Bache,
un das ee keno fun ohm bisnesa is we an
mom - vote odder we oft er els drinkt.
Donn lab kb elan nay wart gevva das
ich my eagner morn bin nu mich gor net
nannies Tut bei der' Navvy, un' donn
aecht er, " Well dotal' Pit, hiss uns amohl
nei geh ins house un ehns nemtna,,, for
uf sellerweg kannsht uns satisfya das du
noch an gooter deinokrat WON, An an
independenter monn," un yusht we er
sell g'sawt hut donti ich ehner im
ciewd hearit sauga, " Now loot out' -dort
kummt de Dewy Sehweftlebrenner un
idh gook rumm, un sure enough dortWitr
de Bevvy, un se yusht uf un sagt, "Kamm
- Pit 1" " Was wit I"' hab ich g'sawt. " Ei
ich will der ebbas sauga," secht se. Dotin
secht der lawyer, "Now Missus Schwenk
breimer, du musht der Pit geh luasa, for
ich hab bisness mit ohm." " Un ich hab
ach hiltless mit em Pit," Becht se, " un
now, Pit, du geaaht mit meer." " Well,"
hab ich g'sawt, " ich kumm ivver a
while." " Nix wart," secht se, " du
geasht grawd alleweil mit meer,"' secht
se. Donn kreisht ehner ous em crowd,
" Now Pit, wann du a monn bisht, donn
watt clicit net rula bei deiner fraw." De
Bony bat ewer drat insist den ich mit
man, un we lob g'seh hab das se net
ufgevva will, donn hab ich gedu das wann
ich se so a wennich ous 'em weg coaxa
wet, un ich bin miter bis uf de miner
side 'em Kitzelderfer sei-shtall, un donn
hab ich proposed das se heam geh set, un
das fell in a hall) stund oder so aw kumma
will. Se hilt awer net agreed, un ich
hab ufgevva missy grad dort for ally
leit, un we met. mitnonner de shtrose nuf
sin, donn hen se mer noch gerufa un mich
so insult das ich grawd my mind ufgemacht
hab cias ich nix ineh mit ehra tsu du hawa
will so long ich leab.
We mer beam kumma sin hut de I3evvy
mer awer widder amohl an lecture gevva,
un ich mus sauga, se hut about recht. Ich
bin ach froh das ich mit ehra beam bin,
for wanns net for se g'west *Ter donn
glawb ich so gwiss das ich leab hetta do
demokrata mich macha my aid brecha, un
donn weer widder amehl der deifel lons
doh in Schliffletown. Un wann ich draw
denk we my eagny demokratishe party's
leit mer my watch g'shtola hen dort in
Nei Yorrick we ich uf der Convention
war, donn feel ich sheer gor das wann ich
om end noch uf de 'publican ehra side
vota set, un wann ich sell du donn nemm
my wart derfore das de Bevvy de besht
fraw gebt in der United States. Ich hab
ehra anyhow yetz fershprocha in ehner
woch tsu decida was ich du will derweaya.
Josh. Billings' Answers to Cor
"Barnacle "—I kant tell ye exactly
when the " Gettysburg Asylum Gift Lot
tery" will draw, but probably, like other
pick-pockets, the next good chance they
" Buouner.—When I here a man brag
ging about hiz ancestors, it aiwas makes
me feel bad—for the ancestors.
" Billy."—Beuty iz like molassis, very
good ointment, but sickish for stiddy diet.
" Benzine."—Men who have a great
deal to do with horses, seem to demor
alize faster than the flosses do.
Bosses are like dice and kards, although
they are virtous enough themselves, how
natural it is to gambol with them.
'Tosses love the society of man, and
being susceptible uv grate deceit, they
will learn a man to cheat and lie before
he knows it.
I know lots folks who are real plus,
and who are honest enufl'to work up into
united estate assessors, and such good
moral chunks left over, but when they
come to tork hors, they want as much
looken after as a case of dipthery.
" Bronk." Club -houses are usually
asylums for hen-pecked husbands and
I hay been told that certain muskular
femails have gone into the club-house
bizness lately in New York city, and
that they hay had one settin at Mr.
Delmonicoze alreddy, which ended ami
kably. This speaks volumes too the
futer growth and usefulness ov the order,
but the grate joke of the thing iz, that awl
their proceedings is to be kept dark.
I hay alwuz - been a friend to down
trodden women, and have bin in favor ov
their voting from my infancy, but if they
kant vote, I say let them club. '
One rule of this club is a golden one,
"no man shall be present on pain of
Deth." If they stick to this rule, they
are sounder on the gander than I sup
posed they wuz.
"Brickdicat."---I never have used enny
ov "doctor Emanuel's liver-consoling and
kindney-encouraging pills l "and therefore
kant tell you how influential they am, but
of you are looking after a pill as mild as
a pet lamb, and az serehing az a fine tooth
comb, buy " Doctor Ringbon's silent
perambulators, 27 in a box; sold by all
Theze pills don't,.phool round, but at
tend striktly tew bizziness, and are ez
good in the dead ov night az an alarm
" Biscuit."—ln reply to youre ques
tions, I would hurredly state that the Wad
iz &meet& animal, or can be made so,
by coaxing him into• a barrel, and shut
ting up the bung-hole.
They stand in the same relashun tek a
frog that a Dutelunan dun ; to a live null
tee, they aint sudden gaited az the
frog. They lead a very retired and pen
sive life during the da,y, behind stun
walls, but When twilight begins tew dress
for the night,then the toads and toadsess
es begin to reconnoiter round.
They are sed tew he stricktly virtuous,
but this incessauthinuming round nights,
and keepin hid alrday, haz caused Ale to
suspicion the toad.
If toads han liv upon what they eat,
they would be just the thing tew stock a
boarding school with, for one fly and a
couple of bugs iz all the meat they want
Toads are very lengthy to liv—l should
think about 400 years. f have often
thought I would 'buy one, and keep him
till he died, Jig to git at their age.
'"Bresstrax."---Speaking ov kits, mi
opiayun is, and will continue to be, that
the old-fashioned, kaftka.coulered kata iz
thp best breed for a man ov moderate
means, who haint got but little munny to
put into kats.
They propugate the most intensely,
and lay around the stove more regular
than the Maltese, or the brindle kind.
The yeller kat is a fair kat, but they
ain't reliable ; they are apt tew stay out
late nights and once in a while git on a
Black kats have a way of gitting on the
top ov the wood-house when other folks
have gone tew bed, and singing dewets
till their voices spile, and their tails swell
till it seems az tho they must split.
If I waz you, Beeswax, I wouldn't go
into the kat biziness until the phinances
ov the country , gits more calm, for if
there comes a big smash up, kats will be
the that thing to dip.
COL. 0. J. DICKEY, of Lancaster, Pa.
REPUBLICAN NOMINEE FOR CONGRESS, AS THE SUCCESSOR OF
HON. THADDEUS STEVENS, DECEASED.
Hans Von Spiegel's 4th of 'hag
VELLOW ZITIZENS:-VOt for me meets
here to-day, hey? Vot you say? Is it
yusht a leedle bic-nic for noddings, or is
it another tam horse race ? I dells you
vot for. We meets to-day to zelebrate der
Vourth of Yuly, which, by reading your
Almanaces you vill see goomes on the
third day Yuly this year. In some goon
tries it goomes on the fmnfe day, which
is the reason they don't zelebrate all der
Der Vourth mit Yuly pese a krate fel
ler. He governs der whole American
goutinent. His right hand sits tywa on
Maine, unt his left hand stands upon
California. He scratches his head mit de
forest of Alaska, unt fioaks his corns in
der Kulf of Mexican Moostang Linament
Long time leedle wile ago, de Vourth
of Yuly was yoost a leedle poy. He
lasted from a Hampurg shtemer at Phil
adelphia in seventeen hoonert unt seven
trzex, unt he has peen a pooty poy ever
Der Vourth of Yuly is a Pig Ding, and
he has ton pig clings for gis goontry. lle
prings hot wedder mit schnapping track
ers, but also prings her bie-nie mit cler
lager peer. So long as he govens the
whole I , oontry, so long as he brodects
der native porn zitizen of foreign pirth.
Now let us all johin in singing der Sthar
spangled mit der Panner.
Oh! ray, don't you see
Alit ter tawn's early light,
Vas so proudly we hailed in ter twilight's last
Who's proud stripes ant Fright stars
Mit her perilous night
On the ramparts we vatehed
Vas so callantly streaming (all de vile.)
lint der rockets red glare,
Der pooms pursting in de air,
Oh ! mine Cot, it give phroof
That our vlag it bees there.
Unt der star-spangled mit der panner
In driumph shall wave
O'er der landt mit der vree
Unt der home von der brave.
Now then port, three cheers for der
Vourth of Y2uly, un den Booms der bully
A racy correspondent of an American
cotemporary extends an invitation to the
fair sex to send in proposals, giving the
following specifications :
The undersigned, feeling the need of
*eine one to Mad fault with end grumble
at when business goes wrong ; and being
lonely, with no one to hate him, and hav
ing arrived at the proper age, has there
fore determined to "come out I"
Sealed propomls will be received until
twelve o'clock, P. M.., on tile;ilst ofDe
Applicants must pessese'beauty, or its
etpdvalent in currency.
Skie must not chew gum„
Nor frequent sewing arc*.
Nor go around bogging tor charitable
Nor trade off, my clothes tti vouider s ing
Italians for flower vases.
Nor borrow money frail" my ) *tr'
pockets while I sleep.
She must believe in sudden 'Macaw of
chills, and make sdinwOOttif ftkr Mar ,
effect upon the nervous system. ,.
When her "old bear" °Onkel heMti &An
"a few friends" rather effectionee, she
must not take advantagel of him state id
wheedle himinto tripiCteluKtininiptices.
And above all, she must not on such
occasions, put ipecac inte• the tiii she
prescribes for his "poor load,"
A lady possessing the foregoing quail-
fications, positive awl ne ative can hear
of something to her advau e .by address
ing the undersigned enclos a stamp.
All proposals must be accompanied
with satisfactory evidence of the ability
of the applicant to support a husband in
the style to which he has been accustomed.
Read it, Soldiers
The rebels have got Robert Ould, rebel
Commissioner of exchange of Prisoners,
to write a letter denouncing Grant's
course on that subject. Before he con
sented to mix in that controversy, he
should have seen that this extract from
a letter he wrote glorifying his manage
ment of this subject, had been destroyed :
I , The arrangement nave made Works
in our favor. We getsid of a set of m=
wretches, and receive some of the best material
The ordinary expenses of the Govern
ment for the last three years has been
$298,840,371, or a little over $92,000,000
The expenses of the last fiscal
year under the Democratic
adu►inistrativn of James Bu
chanan amounted to. ... $76,841,000
Equal to a currency equivalent
st the average of 140 for gold,
the rate at which our expen
ditures slould be taken if
our currency expenses be re
duced to gold, to $107,577,400
It therefore appears that the expenses
of the Government under the direction of
a Republican Congress, hampered by a
hostile Executive, have been at the rate
of $15,500,000 less per annum than the
expenses under the last year of Demo
Thanks to Republican extravagance.
To the Formers.
The real estate in Pennsylvania in
1860 was, according to the census, valued
at $1,416,501,818. All this large amount
of property, under statute passed by a
Republican Legislature, is exempted
from State taxation, and the United
States at present lays no laud tax. The
Democracy, in the fourth section of their
platform, call for equal taxation on all
forms of property. This includes farms,
mountain lots, town lots, homesteads,
and mortgages and judgments secured by
Farmers of Pennsylvania, read and
ponder well that plank :
" Fourth. Equal taxation of every species
of property according to its real value,
including Government bonds and other
The victims of rebel cruelty at Ander
sonville and. Belle Isle want to know how
their old keepers are going to vote in the
coming election. They remember hear
ing, from their Stockades and prison-pens,
the humane and benevolent men who
stood guard over them, rend the air with
cheers at the election of Seymour as Gov
ernor of New York in 1862 ; and they are
curious to know if these men .are es 14nd
in his praise now as then, and whether,
now that they have the opportunity, they
will vote for him for President. Can
General Rosecrans ar his friends 14e,
and Beauregard, and others of that
The Rebel iljerneerserl.
During the war the conduct of the so-
Denioo44 towards the soldiers in
the field was really estrageow. In those
74wlau. by them pc victories of the
et' of Oe Vraitei were uniformly dis
parged; their hardships and sufferings
liamghe4,at,thek *iteticul and loyal en
thuilasnisianded;lthe cause pronounced
. hopeless and weit'thieffe', 144 their fate
foretold.tole'ratin And Wilily. On the
other hand, rebel triumphs , were exagge
rated, their successes magnified, thei
cave cheered .and Alessed. For the
Union soldier ware their contempt and
obloquy; for the , rebel, encouragement,
- Information lup been received in Wao
- city that extensive arrangements
rengag Dade by the Democra* 'State
1 OoMmittee of Pennsylvani a to
colonize doubtful districts in. this ,ilitz4e
at the October.election with Marylanders.
The latter State does not hold an
tion in October,and this will leave Maly
land Copperhea ds and rebels free to help
their friends in Pennsylvania. This is
the rebel Democratic game, and our
friends everywhere Oroughout the State
must be on the alert. All attempts at
illegal voting should he:followed by the
prompt arrest of Itit! , perpetrator, and his
punishment to the pm,, ' e* of the law.
Wile is the Democratic party like
Adam? Because, like Adam, after they
had sinned ind been driven out of the
garden of never-failing 'fruit, and com
pelled to labor for their brea d in place of
living upon the earnings of others, they
sigh, labor and swear to return again to
the good old days of indolence and plenty.
(itr Xittle Itihts.
—Judy says a Belgraviau mamma,
who has succeeded in getting her own
seven daughters " well oft' her hands,"
has determined to extend to others the
benefit of her "system." She is going to
open a " class" for the instruction of
young ladies in the art of husband catch
ing. It is to he called the " school of
—" What can a man do," asked a green
'un, " when a•sheriff is coining up to him
with a writ in his hand " Apply the
remedy!" said another. " Apply the
remedy? What remedy ?'' "Heel-ing
—Why is a lawyer like a hzy man in
the morning ? Because he lie; first on
one side, and then turns over ard lies on
—A sub-editor announces that the edi
tor of the paper is unwell, and piously
adds : All good-paying subscribers are
requested to make mention of hin in
their prayers. The other class need not
do it, as the prayer of the wicked avail
eth nothing, according to.good authority."
—A lady teacher was announcing to her
pupils the holiday on the 22d of Febru
ary, and asked them why the birthday of
Washington should be celebrated more
than hers. A little fellow exclaimed,
with great vivacity, " Because he never
told a lie."
—A chap from the country stopped at
one of the Baltimore hotels, and sat down
to dinner. Upon the bill of fare being
presented to him by the waiter, he re
marked that he " didn't care 'bout readin'
now—he'd wait till after dinner."
—Quilp, who has heretofore been a
Universalist, now believes there are two
things destined to be eternally lost—his
umbrella and the man who stole it.
—Prentice thinks if a young lady has
a thousand acres of laud, the young men
are apt to think that there is sufficient
around for attachment.
—A wag on hearing that a man had
given up chimney sweeping, expressed
surprise as he thought that business
—We suppose everybody has heard of
the Irishman who said: " The most elo
quent feature of a dog's face was his tail."
—A man advertises for a " competent
person to undertake the sale of a new
medicine," and adds that " it will be pro
fitable to the undertaker."
—" Did your wife have an income last
year?" asked an internal revenue officer
of a citizen of Carlinsville, 111. " Yes,
she had twins—both girls." The officer
concluded that it was a pretty liberal
—A housemaid who was sent to call a
gentleman to dinner, found him engaged
in using a tooth-brush. " Is he coming?"
said the lady, as the servant returned.
"Yes, ma'am, directly," was the reply;
" he's jist sharpening his teeth."
—" My son, would you suppose that the
Lord's prayer could be engraved on a
space no larger than the area of a nickel
cent?" " Well, yes, father; if a cent is
as large m everybody's eye as it is in
yours, I think there would be no difficulty
in putting it on about four times."
—A rock ahead—what a young husband
foresees when a cradle is brought home.
—Why is a learned man like scarlet?
Because he is deep read.
—The young lady who gives herself
away loses her self-possession.
—An Irishman remarked of a lady who
had been very kind to him," Bedad, she's
a perfect jintleman."
—A youth declared that his sister is so
tender-hearted that she can't be induced
to strike a light.
—What gentleman tan, with any sense
of propriety, ask afar woman to lean on
--A. young , Missour4,n, eulogising his
girl's bemity, said: VU be dogged if she
ain't as putty twit red wagon
—lt late , been ascertained that some
ladies, use gaintlis ail fisidlere do rosin--
to aid them,m , drawmg a bean.
" .Ify 'motion Of a wffe at , forty,” 'said
Jerroldi t't is, that a man sheukt be able
Ito change her, like a. bankno t e; for Alto
The minister who besuliod ylf preachiPg
without notes don't .4184 t 0.130 uuderstoed
as referring to greenbacks.
[By our special .&Olt.?