[ Copyright applied for.]
Pamsplbaniscil peitsrlb
Brief Fun Der Berry.
SCALIFFLETOWN, ,July 14, 180
Now Misder • Drucker fum FODDER
ABRAHAM, now misset der ach amohl an
brief in eier zeitung nei du for mich; for
ich will eich wissa lussa das ich ach um
be weg bin warm se mer mein Pit fort
noch Nei Yorrick shleafa mit denna nix
nutziche un fersuffenny kupperkeppiche
demokrata, un sei watch un bocket-buch
shteala, an ehn ferleicht gar noch in selly
shlechty heiser nei nemma. Se setta
sich shemma, un aver was kann mer ex
pecta fun so shlechty, meany un dreckiche
loafers we de demokratishe party leit
wu's doh in unser nochbershaft but ? We
der Pit heam is kunuua ohna, geld un
ohna watch, donn hab ich ehm gra.wd
g'sawt. das yeti shreib ich em FODDER
ABRAHAM ach amohl an brief, un das
ich ach alles nei du fun weaya denna
loadle doh in Schliffietown wu yusht de
halb zeit shaffa un ally owat ehra geld
fersaufa dort ons Kitzelderfers, un donn
heam kumma un shtinka yusht wie de sei
in de bren-nhetser.
Un now Mistier FODDER ABRAHAM,
wter is shuld on all unserm truvvel? Ei
niemand das de weeshty meany tm fer
loagny demokrata, wu de emter wella, un
so leit we mein Pit under Sam Dinkop
under Joe Muckafliggie un so leit wu nix
fun denna sacha fershtean yusht rum
foola un narra ous ehna matha. Es is
ball tseit das unser elms frei rous kummt
derweaya. Ich shtands anyhow nimmy,
for doh mus ich derheam sei un hart
shaffa un ally woch uf der morrickt geh
mit meina bohna, uu tommats un lamm
beera un butter un oyer un tswivvella un
shtink-kase, un donn geht mein Pit ally
owat unnich denna demokratishe loafers
dort one Kitzelderfers un fersaufts geld !
Fun sellam sagt er awer ken wart wann
er ale selly briefa shreibt for in eier zei
twig nei drucka!
Es if wohr, ich irar ach ale so halwer
uf seller demokratish side, for icli hab ale
net besser gewist. Un awer Bidder das
ich ehra meany seicrei ferehtay, hab ich
im sinn my mind amohl expressa uf de
onner seit, un do geb ich gar nix drum
eb se's gleicha oder net. Doh kumma
als ally yohr fun denna long-behniche
lawyer fun der shtadt rous un macha un
ser menner weis das wann se net fors
demokratish dicket vota un on ehra meet
ings gehna, dorm dehts loud entirely rum_
miniert weerra un de freiheit ferlora geh
Awer ich wehs besser, for es hut ach re_
publicans doh in Schliflletown, un was
for leit sin se ? Ich kann ders sauga. Se
sin decent, fleisich un sorya for ehra wei
ver un kinner; se gel= in de karrich un
shicka ehra kinner in de Sundog shool,
un meine solla ach geh, un do mag der
Pit un sei lidderliche demokratishe
friend sauga was se wella, for ich geb
yetz nix um kens fun ehna ,except der
Pit, for elm mach ich ach nosh geh, so
daa er an decenter moon gebt we er ale
war, mind eb ich net du, for es weer any
how ordlich 8451 besser for ehn un sei
fommelia wanner selver an republican
weer das so an ferlumpter demokrat I
Denk yusht amohl draw—an party das so
mean is Alsfort zu shelty ivver de shoola,
un karricha, un alles was decent is, un
nei zu geh fors loafa un ducha un fechta
un saufa un alles was mean un shlecht is
Ich kann yusht on ehn weg denka for
ivver unser truvvel nous zu kumma, un
sell is, nei zu geh for de Republican
party, un unser menner ken ruh lussa bis
se ach entirely reconstruct Ain of decenty
principles un in a decenty party. I bin
de demokratish seierei anyhow, ferlet un
darum geh ich de whole hog for Grant
un Colfax, un wann der Pit wehs was goot
is for elm dorm dut ers ach so mocha.
BEVVY SCHWEFFLEBRENEER,
Wife of Pit Schwefflebrenner.
De Net° Sort Zeita 1
Oh heart ehr liewa Leit, was sin des Zeita!
Das unser elms noch des erleawa mus!
An yeader bauers Buh muss earrsige reida,
Un bauers Mted de shteppa rum in Seida,
Un nittrituid nemmt on an dem slitoltzferdrass.
An fluggy but au reader bauers Bub,
An fcr! t.eul mit g'silv-rd •rrs..;•s driif,
Un shpenditis ••: • , - .;•k—doh is
••••••1 tiuh,
Om Somshdog gehn de Gentle-leit em Shteddle
tsu
Un shtella dort orn greashta WLerts-house uf.
We is des yunga batters Yolk dock of gedressed!
We heawa se de liep so shteif un Loch!
We dull se in de shtolsa Fashions retina—
Mer kann se nimmy von (le Slitiedter kerma—
Se =elm all ehr Boehmoots weaga
Der Dandy denkt : Was hab ich shmarty
stehnit—
De Mommy sagt : My Med, de kumma rous!
So shtyle kosht Geld. Ei yah, trier kann yo
lehna—
Sell geht a well—bass uf, der wterd bal' sehna
Der Dandy "geht der Bungerd Fens Litmus."
For alters war es als an sind un shand
\leh Shulda macha das mer 'tsahla ka,nn ;
Sis net inch so—mer debt yusht notice dorch
do editors—
Mer he: geclosed, un deht compounds mit de
:vditors—
Wwrso betriegt, der is an gentlemonnl
We leabt mer now? Ich seh du weasht noch
nix!
Mer leabt yusht we zufore—des fix'd de Law—
Mer eagent nix—de Fraw huts all in Ilond—
Mer is ehr Agent—managed Geld un Load
Un gebt now in de kosht bei seimer Fraw !
4electett.
cv.
The Force of Imagination.
Late one evening, a couple of Irishmen
stopped at a country inn and asked for
lodgings. The porter escorted them to
the door of their room ; but just as the
travelers entered it, the candle was extin
guished by the wind from the door as it
closed behind them. The porter had
already returned to the bar-room, and,
after vainly groping on the mantel-piece
in search of matches, the travelers re
solved to go to bed in the dark. In the
middle of the night one of them awoke,
and, after shaking his comrade to arouse
him, said :
" Terrence, I'm as wake as a vaccin
ated kitten for the want of air. Get up
and open the window. The room is as
close as a patent coilin,and I'll die if you
don't give me air I"
Terrence arose, groped around the
room for a few minutes, and then . said:
I've found the window, but bad luck
to me if I can budge it. I can't move it
aither up or down."
Then knock a couple of panes out
wid yer shoe, and we'll pay for them in
the morning," said the sick man.
Terrance did as directed. After two
crashes were heard by the man in bed
he seemed to recover, for he remarked:
" Oh, that fresh air is invigorating. I
feel better already. Out wid a couple
more panes. Glass is chape, and the
landlord won't be angry whin we're will
in' to pay for thim. "
Terrence's stout brogan soon shattered
the few remaining panes, and the weak
man recovered his exhausted strength so
soon thereafter that in ten minutes more
he was enjoying his slumbers, undisturb
ed by the snores of his companion, who
had also expressed himself refreshed by
the current of fresh air admitted through
the broken glass.
Considerable time elapsed, and at
length the travelers awoke. For thirty
minutes they lay conversing, wondering
why they could not sleep.
" Surely it must be near mornin ', for I
don't feel a bit sleepy, " said Terrence.
" Mornin 'l" echoed the other. "By
the morthial, but it appears to me that
it's perpetual night in this part iv the
w orld. "
In a few minutes more they heard a
knock at the door, and the travelers
asked what was wanted.
" It's twelve o'clock!" answered the
porter, opening the door and entering
the room with a candle in his hand. -
" Aren't ye going to get up at all "
" Only twelve o'clock ! " exclaimed
Terrence. " Why, I thought it must be
at least five. What dy'e mean by rous
ing us in the middle iv the night! Do
the h people in these parts get up at mid-
nig!"
" No, but they get up at breakfast
time."
" Why didn't you wait until break
fast time before ye disturbed us ?"
" Because it's hours after breakfast
time now—in fact it's just the dinner
hour ?"
" Get out, or I'll throw me brogue at
ye. What a barefaced liar ye must be to
say it's dinner time before it's daylight
The candle in yer hand makes a liar out
of ye 1"
" Taal hal ha 1" and the porter chuck
led with the exuberance of delight. "No
wonder ye thinks it isn't daylight, for
there's no window in this room to let in
the light."
" Thin what did I brake last night ?"
Terrence asked, looking around the room
in astonishment. His eyes at last alight
ed on the book case, the glass doors of
which presented a dilapidated appear
ance. "Be the powers, ierry" he ad
ded, addressing his comrade, " whin I
thought I was smashin' the windy, I was
only hreakin' the glass in the book-case.
But it did ye a power iv good, Jerry, for
ye sed that ye felt the fresh air revivin'
ye!"
Larger Beer.
I hey' finally cum tew the conclusion
that larger beer as a beverage is not in
toxicating. I have been told so by a ger
man who said he had drunk it all night
long, just to try the experiment, and was
obliged to go home sober in the morning.
I have seen this same man drink sixte en
glasses, and if he was drunk he was drunk
in german and nobody could understand
it. It is proper enult to state that this
man kept a larger beer saloon and could
have no object in stating what was not
atrickly true. I believed him tew the full
extent of my ability. I never drunk but
three glasses of larger beer in my life, and
that made my hod ontwist as tho it was
hung on the end of a string but I was
told that it was owin to mi bile being out
ov place ; and I guess that it was so, for
I never baled over wuss than I did when
I got hum that nite. My wife thot
IVA l o A A
HON. SIMON CAMERON„
U. S. SENATOR FROM PENNSYLVANIA-THE FRIEND AND ADVOCATE
was goin tew die, and I was afraid I
should, for it did seem as tho everything
I lied ever eten in my life was cummin to
the surface , _ and I do really believe that
if my wife hadn't pulled off my boots just
as she did, they wood have come thunder
in up too.
01 how sick I was 1 14 years ago, and
I can taste it now.
I never had so much exp :_fence in so
short a time.
If enny man shud tell me that larger
beer was not intoxicating, i shud beleve
him; but if he shud tell me that i wasn't
drunk that nite, but that mi stummuck
was out of order, i shud ask him tow
state hoW a man elt and acted when he
was well set up.
• If i want drunk that nite i had sum ov
the most nateral simptums that a man
ever had, and kept sober.
In the first
_place it was about 80 rods
from where i drank the larger beer to mi
house, and i wus over 2 hours on the road,
and had a hole bustid thru each one ov
mi pantaloon neez, and did'ht have any
hat, and tried to open the dore by the
bell-pull, and hickupped awfully, and
saw everything in the room trying to get
around on the back side ov me ; and in
settin down in
. a chair i didn't wait long
enuff for it to git exactly under me when
it wuz goin round, and i set down a little
too soon and missed the chair about 12
inches, and couldn't get up soon enuff to
take the next one that cum along ; and
that ain't awl ; mi wife sed i waz as
drunk as a beest, and as i sed before, I
began to spin up things freely.
If larger beer iz not intoxicating it
used me most almighty mean, that i
know.
Still i hardly think that larger beer iz
intoxicating, for i have been told so;
and i am probably the only man living
who ever drank envy when his life was
not plumb.
I don't want to say ennything agin a
harmless temperance bevridge, but if i
ever drink envy more, it will be with mi
hands tied behind me, and mi mouth pried
open.
I dont think larger beer iz intoxicating,
but if i remember right, i think, it tastes
to me like a glass uv soap suds that a
pickle had bin put tew soak in.
[Joan BILLINGS.]
Mark Twain on the Accordeon.
Mark was, as many other young men
are at some period of their lives, anxious
to learn music. He tried first one instru
ment, then another, till finally he settled
down to the accordeon. On that soul
stirring article of music he learnt to play
that melodious and popular air,
"Auld
Lang Syne." For about a week he con
tinued, to torture his unwilling hearers,
when, being of an ingenious turn of mind,
he endeavored to improve upon the or
iginal melody by adding some variations
of his own. But who has ever seen a
real genius succeed yet? Just as Mark
had dnished his only tune, and wound up
with an admirable flourish, the land
lady rushed into his room. Said she :
" Do you know any other tune but that,
Mr. Twain?" I told her, meekly, that I
did not. " Well, theh," said she,
." stick
to it just as it is ; don't put any variations
to it ,• because it is rough enough on the
boarders the way it is now."
The upshot was that its " roughness"
was soon made manifest, for half the
boarders left, and the other half would
have left had not the landlady discharged
Mark. Then, like the wandering Jew,
Mr. Twain went from house to house.
None would undertake to keep him after
one night's music ; so at last in sheer des
peration, he went to board at an Italian
lady's—Mrs. Murphy by name. He says:
" The first time I struck up the varia
tions, a haggard, careworn, cadaverous
old man walked into my room and stood
beaming upon me a smile of ineffable
happiness. Then he placed his hand
upon my head, and looking devoutly
aloft, he said with feeling unction : 'God
bless you, young man 1 God bless you!
for you have done that for me which is
beyond all praise. For 3 , ears I have suf
fered from an incurable disease, and
knowing my doom was sealed. and that I
must die, I have striven with all my
power, to resign myselto my fate, but in
vain—the love of life was too strong
within me. But heaven bless you, my ben
efactor 1 for since I heard you play that
tune, and those variations, I do not want
to live any longer—l• am entirely resign
ed—l am willing to die—in fact, I am
anxious to die.' And then the old man
fell upon my neck and wept a flood of
OF PROTECTION TO AMERICAN LABOR.
happy tears. I was surprised at these
things, but I could not help giving the
old gentlemen a parting blast in the way
of Some peculiarly lacerating variations,
as he went out of the door. They dou
bled him up like a Jack knife, and the next
time he left his bed of pain and suffering
he was all right in a metalic coffin.' "
At last Mark gave up his penchant for
the accordeon and from that day gave
amateur musicians a wide berth.
Gossip About the Nominations.
Seymour
" Seymour won't accept. He will pass
the nomination over to Chase."
" I don't see it."
It wasn't seen.
Seymour takes the nomination and
pockets the insult to his
Honor I
Everybody, except some Southern ex-
Rebels, goes away
Mad!
Seth Adams . , of Massachusetts, says
the Campaign in the East is
Crushed 1
Lew Campbell goes back to his farm in
Ohio and declares
Seymour won't carry a State northwest
of the Ohio.
New Hampshire regards the nomina,
tion as good as
Five thousand majority in that State for
Grant
Maine says this has been the first real
Grant ratification meeting that has
been held since the campaign opened.
The two platforms.
The two Dromios—one the
Dromio of Chicago, the other the
Dromio of New York.
It will be amusing to see them in the
Presidential contest, and
Lots of fun will follow.
Blair •
That's a new name in the councils of
the nation :
But it was once heard of
Before the deluge.
It is familiarly known in the
Kitchen cabinets of every administra
tion at Washington.
It is a bully name for a
" Small party in the lobby."
ttr tittle Itches.
Homeopathy.
Take a little wife,
The prettier the better;
Pat her cheek, and when
She wants to kiss you—let her.
Keep her in the house—
There she'll cook your mutton ;
Darn yomo jacket, too,
If she's worth a button.
Never mind the lots
Of her aunts and cousins;
Ask them to ,4 drop in"—
Dine them all by dozens.
One of these odd days
You'll feel MI one inch taller,
When you see her hug
A chopping little squaller.
—" Lame !" sighed Mrs. Partington,
"here I have been suffering from the
bigmies of • death three mortal weeks.
Fust I was mixed with a bleeding phren
ology in the left hemispere of the brain,
which was exceeded by a stoppage of the
.heart. This gave me an inftmation of
the borax, and now I'm sick with the
chloroform-morbus. There's no blessing
like that of health, particularly when
you're sick I"
—"My boy," said a distinguished mer
chant to his son, who was meditating
matrimony, "be sure, in making your se
lection, to get hold of a piece of goods
that will wash."
—A Western paper proposes that here
after, instead of saying " Let us sing the
Doxology," the minister shall say, " Let
us put on overcoats, adjust furs, slip on
gloves, seize our hats, and be dismissed."
—A cynical bachelor thinks the honey
moon a sweet lunacy.
—A fashionable party is now called a
daughtercultural show.
—" John, did Mrs. Green get the med
icine I ordered?" " I guess so," re
plied John, " for I saw a crape on the
door next morning."
—An exchange says : Eve was the
only woman who never threatened to go
and live with her mamma. And Adam was
the only man who never tantalized his
wife about "the way mother used to
cook."
—Why is a prosy preacher like, the
middle of a wheel Because the fel
lows around him are tired.
—A New Haven paper, describing the
localities of three prominent institutions
of that city says: " The medical college
is on the road to the cemetery ; the di
vinity college on the road to the poor
house; and the law school on the road
to the jail."
—When were the first sweatmeats
made ?—when Noah preserved pa:re in
the ark.
—lf a cart wheel has nine felloes, it's
a pity a pretty girl can't have but one.
—lf you would look "spruce".in your
age, don't " pine" in your youth:
—" Here's to internal improvements,"
said Dobbs, and down went the dose of
salts.
—A worthy deacon up in the country,
who had been detained several hours by
a freshet, astonished his wife on coming
home, by remarking, " It was the dam
med ice that kept me."
—A hen-pecked reader writes that he
takes no stock in the " new woman's
club." He says his " old woman's club
is enough for him, and frequently too
much."
—A local editor has seen a man whom
he thinks well occupied. He has his
wife on one arm, a baby .on the other, a
basket and cane in his hands, a cigar in
his mouth, and two little hopeful heirs
attached to his coat tails.
—A bachelor remarked to a young
lady that soap-stone was excellent to
keel) the feet warm in bed. " Yes,"
said the young lady, " but some gentle
men have an improvement on that,
which you know nothing about."
—How to have a big time—Buy a town
clock.
—"Pompey, what makes you hab no.
wool on the top of your head?"
" Wall, Julius, I was out West 'bout
two months ago, and de way I got
bald was, the gals out dare used to pull
me in dar windows."
—A pastor, coming out of church, met
a lad of whom he inquired if the family
were well, and was answered : " Yes, ex
cept mother, who has got the New
Elijah [neuralgia], or something of that
sort, in her head."
—An innkeeper observed a postillion
with only one spur, and inquired the
reason. " Why 2 what would be the use
of another?" said the postillion, " if one
side of the horse goes, the other can't
stand still."
—When a man and a woman are' made
one by a clergyman, the question is which
is the one. Sometimes there is a long
struggle between them before the matter
is finally settled.
—A " great brute of a husband" adver
tised in the morning papers for a strong,
able bodied man to hold his wife's tongue.
- 7 Quilp, who has heretofore been a
Universalist, now believes there are two
things destined to be eternally lost—his
umbrella and the man who stole it. "
•
—A bachelor, according to the latest •
definition, is a man who has lost the op
portunity of making a woman miserable.
—" Is there any danger of the boa-con
strictor biting ?" asked a visitor of a 'zoo
logical showman. L 0 Not the least," re
plied the showman; "he never bites—he
swallows his wittles whole."
—A cross letter—X.
—An old maid's letter—T.
—A. letter of Importance—P.
—The game of infants—Crib-age.
—The smallest lady—Minnie Mum.
—Good for broken limbs—Bone-set-tea.
—A real " high-tlyer"—An aeronaut.
—Signal for a bark—pulling a dog's
tail.
' [By Our Special Artist.]
DROWNING DEMOCRACY.
",Save, Sambo, or I perish !"