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Brief Pun Schtiffietown.
SONLIFYLICTOWN, Juno 8, 1888
MISDER FODDER ABRAHAM DRUCK
ER : DEER SLR : Yetz will ich doch
ewer ach an sei-kivvel foil grumbeera
shawla fressa, wann net seller brief, wu
der de letsht Weal for mich in eier roush
iche gooty FODDER ABRAHAM'S zeitung
nei gedruckt hen, yusht about an ufruhr
gemacht hut doh im shteddle. Un de
Bevvy, my alty, de hetsht awer widder
amohl heara Fella laths derweatra Se
war yusht about grkitzelt wie se es g'seh
hut, in schwartz un weis, des se an monn
hut wie ich, deer shmart genunk im for t so
an gootes shtie.kly of deitseh in an eng
lishe zeitung nei zu da. Un om very
same owat we de zeitung awkumma is,
sin meh dam an dutzend gooty demokrata
on unser house kumma, for den brief zu
learns ; un se wabra ach all gone immer
un eawich Boot gepleased das ich amohl
in de frei-shoola un ktericha un so shtutt
nei gepitch'd bin. Der Joe Bitliekop, du
weasht, is ale Air common orrig close mit
seina greenbacks, un awer er hut sivve,
mohl gedreat un allemohl mit gedrunka,
his er so ordlick how-come-you-so is war
ra, un donn lab ich under Bill Schnecka
foos elm hehm genurnma. Wie mer awer
on sei house sin kinina, donn hen mer
doch so ordlich tits krickt fun seiner
fraw, for se war yusht about Wes der
weaga. Fun sellam will ich awer doch
now nix welders g'sawt haws, for du
wehtas evva wie die weibsleit sin wenn
unser elms so a biseel sunnersht sevveraht
Forgeshder owat hen mer amohl an
meeting gehalta dort one Kitzelderfer's
wiertshouse,un dor then mer ousgemacht
das de demokratisch dahler society orga
nized wierra tutus ; un now hetta mer
gem das der uns an first rater gooter
demokratischer shpeech macher shicket
for uns an shpeech macha. Ich webs
ehner, seller debts, mer orrig gleicha, un
awer ich kann now net yusht grawd of
eel nawma kumma. Er woont in Read
ingtown, dort in seller shtrose wu welly
roy backs-shteaniehe Wiser sin dort, du
weasht, unnich 'em eck net weit fun eel
lam platz wo de groesy fenshdera, sin,
about a hunnert, yard fun der krerrich, an
yusht urns eck rum wo ale an grosser
shtall war, doh do pit*. der circus in
der shtadt wet, seriamohls we de alt
fraw ale an kucha shtand hut gehalta' for
grundniss zu ferkawfa for drei cent a'
blechly foil. Ich webs ach now nimmy
wie das er beast, un awer er is anyhow
an lawyer—so an ordlieh dicker disig, du
weasht, un wanner an shpeech macht,
kann er kreisha so loud des em alta Dop
foos sei gonsy easle foot. Icb hab ohs
amohl hears an shpeech mocha, deb de
yohr, un se war yusht about goot. Uf
course, ich hab se net fershtay kenna, for
es war in English, awer der weg we mier
es auegelegt is warm, hut er explained
wie de black republies an law maths
wella so des de neager all unser weiver
un dechter heirs kenos, un moll mich der
deihenker holds wann ich sell shtande du,
for wann sei dog un des leaves an neager
sich amohl awmacht be& miner fraw,
Bevy, don* neap/ ich a flint un shoes
ehn doht so gewiss des my nauma Pit
Schweffiebreitner Is. Law ode= ken law,
wannn an schwartzer neager amohl one
Bevvy heirs. geht, donn gebts dohty left
Now kinder FODDER ABRAHAM prints
er, het ich gem dhs der mer seller biwykr
doh ruf slacked *or uns aft skpeech macho,
yusht wail er so °frig load kreisha kann
wanner schwetst, for so earner, wann mer
ehn ach net ferstayt, macht doek as lever
ous gooter kainession dolt unnlch unser
demokrata, an tie more at present,
DEB GEN,EILI,I. GRANT. ,
In der Estadt Louisville is an deffseklait
isher zeitung &ticker—Winer ,Bacimev—
un er sagt der Grant is net fit for Presi
dent, well er ken lem briefs ehreibt, un
kea 7 • II
same Buckner war slab lbw etlich yohr
amohl an General in der rebel army, un,
we er commander war in Fort Donslscsa l
hut er an brief krlcki ftun General Grant
seller war an deidich das er ehrt ufamohl
ferstanna hut. ,Doh is der very 11114
ivversetzt, in Penusylvanisch deitsch :
CA111? niesFr sst Ivwx=smi s tip&_
On der General S. B. Buckner, Confederate
Del brief bab iebiniht kriekt, mit em for
achiag conditions au macha for surremiera.
Nix woad I Slit' untontlitioNil atxt
ben lin sin grawd of del waerlut zu moo& Du
bower shaftt did` Ous em abtaab, for mer
kumma 1 Mit groasein reaped, &c.,
U. 8. 011,AXT.
Seller brief hut der Buckner deitlick'
genunk ferekliprit, icn es but elm" net
long gennmins ovonikins der, was der
Grant sagtinshoter iich
HON. =ADD= SUCITEPTEI.
THE " GREAT COMMONER 7D
--THE VRIEND OF EDUCATION AND LIBERTY-THE DETERMINED FOE OF
IGNORANCE AND SLAYEE'Y'---THE TERROR OF TRAITORS AND COPPERREADS
The Chicago Convention—Mr./V/10bn Attend&
it and Gets on a Meaty litiOst—A
Leature on .Ifteinstoreieg.
POIST OPT'S, COSPIIIMILIT X ROADS,
(Which is, in the atite uv Kentucky,
I wuz at Chicago one day, and that one
day satisfied me. My ears fruz stfinned with
'rors for Grant ; which ever way I turned any
eyes I saw nothing but Grant badges 4
Grant medals; the hands wuz all playin the
Star Spangled Banner and each, and even the
street organ grinders hed attooned their lyres
to the same Abliabuti melodies.
On my arrival I mkt,* Ashes boy (which I
knowed wuz Dimehratie, from the fact that
his little shirt wood hev bung out uv his little
pants of he bad any shirt,) 9 . be .esd shQ
me where the Ablishun tellsWb wazi
"Certainly I kin my old buffer ," setl lie.
"It's in that, yar Whilst," pintif4 es be spoke,
to a realer gorgus edifice with a ataepho to it.
I entered it, and wuz surprised; net only
at the fumes uv tie delegates on the
floor, but at their pecoolyer appearance.
They didn't look like delegates to any Con
venshun I bed ever attended.: Thdr nbatoF
wuzn't uv the color I had been accustomed te.'
They wuz all solemn loOldn . oh4st Wltit gold
spectacles, "bled( tbett,
white iteckerchqs. "Is this," OYU% I to my-
self, "the uniform delegates wear at Repub
At this pint 1 Am.]l.4 galuksittin be
side me, an in' an undertone askt with win
abed on the last ballot, QuiCar 4* Walla?
"Sir," Bed he, ""are you a Johnson pod.
"I mi' ANWpittripv. , 4 04 / ,‘ aft
"By yoor breath," sad. he. "Poor mistaken
in the place, my trend. This is a Methodist
That wikked and perverse boy bed intensh
nelly deceived me.
On my return we wuz a settin in 13ascom's
a discussiti the nomMashens. NAM Pegram
wuz indignant. "flood Heavens !" said he,
with horrors in his sainted face, "Kin it be
that men perfessin nashnedivleWs, weed ofibf
sick an insult to Kentucky AZ Pio, Nota
sich a man ez Who; sword
devastatid her fertile fields and piled
bodies uv her nootral sons :who 1, 1 10041 4 1 1;
adtance mountains high P Mn ft that—
" Easy, Deekin," re p*ed I, "stiddy I Middy!
Don't take posishertrashly. it RIM Improb
able that we may bev to ,neminnte Hancock
or some other soljer. In that event.—but
I've sed enciff?"
"Well, at all memos,' sad the Deakin, 6,lt's
1 , 4:34 All
our tamp A igmeeeson t wohep N o m a
debt inkurriladsiblYSMOAD tomb.
oogte usu—to ledu opelishoir Attempt
nco a nstitooshnal p ly"Mktirred, and un—"
46 DeekiN",myl, "Yq PA' be on but yoor rebly inmscreet. Mat d
neceMary is ordep to: catty , INbottlrihk" to
nominate Behnont's man, who will be pledged
to this very thing, Go a uttle , sletwAr
"Well, however That may be, it's a burnin
shame to throw into KetittellY's thee I Ate=
lisbßist—twn av au in faeto•-aall-+"
"Deakin," (I spoke this time etvomeiir„)
"yoor very indiscreet to-day. It's, pixelble,
and I may say probable, thee' that noble"
patriot, Obeef Antis Chime, who hts bin "A
lriteful Ablishnisht, a d wbo, of Bruns, will,
gf e n nv erodes, nay be our
candidate. Say..hodhll3; Wiedkih; that yoo'l
hey to take back."
Feelin that rite here wuz a splendid chance
or on impnxivin ea the rumbler,
objicks, d aimsuv democracy, I opened
out onto em. •
“Dimocrisy,” I remarkt, "is distingnished
cheefly ?Wits elskicity in adaptin means to
ends. One woodsuppose that Post-Offis is
its cheat' end. In one sampq it is. I*pacritY
is willin to smith% any "thin w hichit hes
for Post-Offis. It mlght. ppohei
gram's ire to Bakst the finnan n uvlz Z
cock, on akkount law 14s ,sleratorlas or Bel
mont'. (*affiliate ,ozz akisenat uv hiethaislia as
paying offthe PiardszkelDibt, , or Oh* *Who
bin in his day suspected uv lleip.Wea4 with
._ ‘ ^s.-THER _A_T3IZA ILA_A r.
AMlahinism. !hit my brethring let it be re
membered that success is the main objick.
Success: b wit, Bascom wants, that I, bein
continyeed in bills, May have the means to
pay for the Mater I consoom, and to avoid
the necessity uv bed. cantinyomdly rakested
to chalk it down, which practis lie esteems
disgustin, and one which greatly increases
his labors. Capt. Dicreiter wants success
that he may coritihyoo to hey Assessors, Col
lectors, and Revenoo ()hitters with which he
kin ,divide the profits uv the $2 tax on the
whisky be makes, and .Qeekin lkvram wants
success that be may hey Ns niggers agin, or
at least that he may hev the privilege of Win
em for $4 per month, deducting *5 cents per
day for each day'simienee, n ithout no Burow
°fiber or other in tary satrap .hangin about
sito molest or rat ' afraid. Snccess is the
main pint, and.ef Hancock is the way, walk
ye in it—ef 4.141114 Of Spuour is the way,
walk ye ditto, for with either nv these men
all these things well her. When they come
to us they leeve tlissolbrtmer selves behind.
But-methinks I hear one say Hancock is a
so/jekti. haylnidak a, addeilbeililtfor‘ skid 1 01 i
a Ablisbnist I Wat uv that ? They may a i ll !
wat they Ili *hid' Met go' into otils '—
n 88084090 . whit ut *tams :.em..sootaer or
later. Kin yoo tech:• i td not be dOled?
Doolittle; Ce*, as • ' h , . ; *ii2•44hllsiltilitti.
When they s plit from A • nbm—the minit
they Mi'ltitb'ettlf etiti*46, 4 •thhs Irteltte . ' 1 0 ,
satisfactory tertiocrits ez I coo d wish. the
road down lelt estlyatissilo - tritist:' It's easier
to slide than to elks* , whidt is doe."
.4.,, ~,,...,,,..-,Z IV IMUWAtiL I ,4f:e ..
Dhlh ' . . e like 1,1**4111644, bake,
man w • en It gits him. Anson IMO a good
eine Abilielhabt Ili la eldlt4 'bit* lot*,
hel. iind ttie. .. , , ..-, :," oi , ' • ' ''
ideas .yinar ken t dkoeil tVso )01111. alive
pitcher at him the nigger. v hint at C
china!, for dafekkile
swear like Peter he tli mmi k t-elpeli f
in from Pei* At' tblf. An .
there llntaiderkaokk Ike" the , pinelpattnes.
They remorse kind o drivse pµ ` deeper an.
deeper, till utter ftlik , lire' Wolielban ea t
they orilollloft Wes vs' $5. k Letts,isret
It'll Brian/ as awl be uv us.
Remember, Jollying", ,c94l,Deolgtle an
Dixon swore, Viejaa ,
that thwaspatelelif ftt4 *I ran •
uv the Dimoerisy .‘" OtUs maki
mesons, lo.trilse. riere
eke . stilt ve
the' ''. Corners trage
man for Trillrilligninirui its
Perfectik t le i d oi ttisitz
Skiel i stet t l x.,
4 , broianalleo
In•,, A"'" 4' , i., a ...It
As my wife and Ilit
Stood weielkinti "WttlionigMkey,
A-eave‘ 40 , 1) •
To my wife I theu,smsdisrl*lwittbf a joke,
" These's& relation of year's in the.
To which she re a s al) , Iddigreill M " ,
"All, yes, a re 1 j
" A imAinffifl MlOll l Ol l l. west ' ,
To f 1.1084. .
The littig A, rAcentent, ^ ,
Begin tow* *jig ;,: : %v. , •
Ail i ftr Alitt i lb&X.:
"M dear how comes , , ditedtd ~:., 1
The (*int.,/ •• . ‘ 10**liier,
“So bid a :.i 4 i dad be,
That ever and , , • ••• • ;i i i • ,
Whene'er be sees . daddy."
Orkied lii /W ttitkeida , lkair,,,an
enraged woman tears heir .imaband'a,
—During a recent performance of "Ro
meo and Juliet." at .Marblehead, Mass.,
the fair Juliet's questions in the soliloquy
before taking the sleeping draught,
" What if this mixture does not work at
all?" was answered by an urchin in the
pit, who said: " Then take a dose of
pills." The effect upon the audience can
—A good story is 'told of a boot black
whose energies were taxed by the huge
shoes of a private just returned from the
war. The little fellow, kneeling down,
looked over his shoulder to a comrade,
and exclaimed: Lend me a spit, Jim,
I've g,ot an army contract."
—During a recent trial, there was a
large number of ladies present, who
caused a gentle murmuring all the
widle. The usher called out repeatedly,
"Silence!" when the judge mildly said:
"Mr, rsher, don't you know better than
to call silence when ladles are in Court'?
Doctor, a child has been born half
" Au , I must look into that. Pray,
what seal the colorcof the other half ?"
"Eck, too." '
Dxowat, , i owe you a grudge, re
meetbox that I"'
"I shall not be frightened then, for I
never knew you to--pay anything you
"Ilarka, there l GOt anything?"
",Got anything? Ot ceurse not. Only
camp jiere last week was the reply of
the patient angler, as he cast his patent
—The young lady who fell dead in love
with a young gentlemen, immediately re
vi'veil on being asked to name the day.
.4491). & woman of fashion is one of the
the woild. A late writer
don't want, and pay .for,nothing you get;
endle on all manleind hot your husboud;
be l l arlii4 keh but
at la b°l4e ; 141
gldtaldn igoe PPLIVI; ge
to Olturch tohlfintO you seta new Gross.
—" This is a fait - age," said a co oh uil l
mansql„hoog* sonowitat for my ,
omen. Namodukyvaid on Somilky it '
u _ktak i p $4O Aw, trim I'll eat
tip all your ipples:"
—A man illeictibilme a churdh in Mini
nesota, writes to a friend : "No velvet
cushions in dur;peowlits we detet , go in for
style. The fattest person has the softest
J ~n r
—" 0, for a thousand tonnes 1" as a
,pop nunstrimd, o Wheri inside . a rnolasses
t9AN2O-etinS , 1 /Mid too ogryong current for one ontinti Inman go sieh a
Illy our special Arti
—ln a town in which they were rnakive
a railroad was employed a party of Irish
men, one of whom went to a neighboring
shop kept by a Yankee and asked tor a
yard of pork. The Yankee deliberately
cut off three pig's feet and gave them to
him. "Sure is this what you'd be after
eallin' a yard of pork ?" asked the Irish
man.--‘‘ tes, indeed, don't three feet make
a yard?" The biter was bit.
—A schoolmaster in a neighboring
town, while on his morning walk, passed
the door of a neighbor, who was excavat
ing a log for a pig trough. " Why," said
the scoolmaster, "Mr. have you not furni
ture enough yet ?" "Yes," said the man
"enough for my own family, but I expect
to board the schoolmaster this winter,
and am making preparations."
—An illiterate man, wishing to enter
some animals at an agricultural exhibi
tion, wrote as follows to the secretary
" Also enter me for the best jackass ;
am sure of getting the prize."
—Here is an expressive epitaph which,
alas 1 would fit many a grave:
And poorly died—
And no one cried.
—A cobbler took the following plan to
save expense in painting a sign :
—Recommended to the young sprigs of
the Lancaster bar:
"Fee simple, or a simple fee,
And all the fees entail,
Are nothing when compared to thee.
Thou best et fees—timale
—A very nervous gentleman announced
a steam boat explosion to the Connecti
cut Legislature, as follows : "Spister
Meeker and ledges of the tuemberislature,
the Elliver 011sworth has biled her bus
—A preacher once said that he saw
little children, who could neither walk or
talk, running around the streets cursing
—" I cannot bear children," said Mrs.
Prim, disdainfully. To which Mrs. Part
ington, lookinover her spectacles, mild
ly replied : " Perhaps if you could, you
would like them better."
--At an evening party, while the guests
were eating supper, Mr. A. asked Mr. L.
to help him to some potpie. Mr. L. said
" Certainly, certainly," and in his hurry
stumbled and fell on the table, his hand
going into the potpie. The accident was
turned into a joke by Mr. E., who ex
claimed, " Just help me to some while
your hand is in."
—The latest puzzle has relation to a
very lamentable fact in regard to the pre
sent spring. It is :
Which a long headed friend interprets
to mean—" The C's on is backward."
—A story is told of a jolly good fellow
who resided in Chicago about four years,
and while on an Eastern visit was asked
how he liked the water out West. "By
George, Mr.—," said he, after a mo
ment's reflection, "I never thought to
—"Am I not it 41ille aisle?" inquired
a lady, who was short and corpulent, of a
crusty old bticluAlio. Xelik Ipok more
like a big tub," Was the blunt reply.
—A query : Is a man who has made a
fool of himself to be comidered a self
—Mrs. Jenkins complained in the even
ing that the turkey she had eaten at
Thksgiving did not met welt. " Proba
bly," said Jenkins," it was'tiot a hen tur
—A western merchant latabrehalked
on a T i t hogshead in. front tif his store,
"for s ." A.pawing wag added_ , "For
freight or passage apply st the bunghole."
Are you Isear•elighted "bliss ?" said
an Impudent haw" td a y. . lady who
didaot 011C0 choose So tot J.... "Yes ;
at this distance I can barely te 1 whether
yaa are a pig orpuppy.r
"ow. ca you iitifus? what can you
ofitt In the. 'gad geameected the credi
tors of a • •• ,pepoLer. ,t 4 Alas I gen..
the p tu ou leau, 0 re baye lie; a donkey in
,tite rattled agricultur
46.14 Well,sort*, 4o you 'ittiow what
`"elinta.t mauler balda "sditiohticuter to
a pupil. "Yee air," was theietilys "the
t3r on spirits.;'
, w 51486. Asp* Pit , said Pat.
4` TO. 143: 40. 4110ibbirleu. want,
-4 4 Oh, Pm dead; d#l4l o blubbered
a little fellow tie`bther day, 'm he ran in
to the house. " WIMVI4 - Matter, my
dear rl inquired 4 1 /g4 mother.
" Oh, I nan *Mast d stuck a
knot AA is my tronetern • ,