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1114 •
:SAMUEL WRIGHT, Editor and Proprietor.
VOLUME XXIX, NUMBER 50.1
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gEtEttiintz.
Head of my Profession
CRAPTER I.
I was born in the city of Bath, in the be
ginning of the present century. My earli
est recollections of the hot water capital are
recollections of an era of prosperity, which,
though then approaching its decline, was
yet vigorous and beautiful. At the period
of my childhood, Bath was the winter focus
of fashion, and to fashion and fashionable
people it was devoted more thoroughly, per- ,
haps, than any other city or town in the
realm. Nothing that could by any possi
bility offend the visitors was allowed to ex
ist; while every attraction, whatever its
moral aspect, which had charms to lure
them thither, was unreservedly disp/ayed.
I distinctly remember that while gaming
houses and worse places were encouraged,
it was a high crime and misdemeanor for a
little urchin to trundle a hoop on the pave
ment, lest he should damage the farthingale
of some lady of quality; and School boys
were lugged off to prison in the town hall
for playing at "cherry" in Orange Grove,
to the supposed disturbance of the rheumatic
tabbies. I those days there were no hire
able cabs, carriages or omnibuses; and the
only available locomotives were the sedan
chairs, for which there were regular stands
at various places throughout the city, the
principal ones being near the Pump-room,
and in Front of the Assembly-rooms. The
chairmen were a peculiar race, long since
passed away—stout, brawny, broad shoul
dered fellows, clad in light-blue frock sur
touts, plush breeches, white stockings, and
shoes with broad shining buckles. Origi
nally, they had worn cocked hats; but
these, in my boyhood, began to give place
to the customary cylinder, and disappeared
altogether in the first years of my appren
ticeship. These chairman were the tyrants of
the foot-pavements, along which they ambled
at a six-mile•an-hour pace, ruthlessly sweep
ing into the kennel all who were not suffi
ciently active in getting out of their way.
The wells of the old Abbey at that day
bristled with chimneys and chimney-pots;
close files of shops, chiefly occupied by
small traders, clung like barnacles all
round the surface of the ancient structure,
save at the grand western entrance flanking
the Pump-room; and a thriving trade was
dune in them, because here was one nucleus
of the fashionable throng. Orange Grove
then was a grove, crowded with ancient
.elms fungous with age. The parades,
North and South, were the Corso of worn
out roues and courtly convalescents, who
promenaded them in wheel-chairs within
the shadow of the new Assembly rooms,
and at an easy distance from the restoring
waters. Dull, dreamy, and voiceless in the
summer time, no sooner were the chills of
autumn felt, than Bath was rapidly con
verted into a huge caravansary. Strange
faces and new equipages flocked in by hun
dreds daily. Everybody then began to lot
lodgings, from the hucksters in the by
streets, to the speculators in the Circus and
the Royal Crescent, and the price of apart
ments rose suddenly from shillings to
pounds. Ten guineas a week was nothing
for a tradesman's upper floors, which be
came the habitat of the landed gentry,
whose retinue of servants had to take post
in the tradesman's kitchen, along with his
-family, and to stow themselves at night in
oupbord, closet, or garret, wherever a shake
down could be extemporised.
All those vices were fashionable, winked
at by the sober citizens, who made a profit
.out of them, walked the streets at noonday,
not without notice, without rebuke.
:Scenes which were common to all eyes at
;Bath during the era of the Napoleonic wars,
.could not now be describedin these columns,
7ueeause the present generation of readers
mould not tolerate the description. Among
.the least obvious of the vices which fashion
coed made popular was that of . gambling;
;the gentry gamed in their houses nightly,
-without pretermitting the Sunday; gaming
.establishments flourished in all parts of the
town; some select, and accessible to the
.subscribers; others common to all who could
,assume the appearance of a gentlemen. Of
all the modes of gambling perhaps billiards
was the ,most esteemed. The game had
been pronounced healthful by a distinguish
ed member of the faculty, and a rage
sprang up for it, which prevailed for years.
What the nobility and gentry delighted in,
the middle classes and lower classes would
of course feel a longing for; and as a re
sult, there were billiard establishments
Open to all ranks, fimm the subscription
tables at the upper Rooms, where the mem
bers played for thousands, down to the
rickety board of Old Spraggs in Union
Passage, where the balls trundled over a
field of green baize into pockets as wide as
a church door, and the apprentice boys of
the town gambled for two twopences.
At ten years of age my uncle sent me
to school at Old Carpenter's in George
street, one of the most vigorous Buggers of
the day, who aware of his strength of arm,
would considerately allow a culprit to hid an
an extra jacket, or even two, if he could
borrow them, before submitting to punish
ment. Here I made the acquaintance of
Ned B—, who soon became - my bosom
friend, and through him it was that I be
came a billiard player. Ned's father was
the proprietor of a large billiard establish
ment in Milson street, where, in several
rooms built over the garden in the rear of
the house, billiards were played during the
season at all hours of day and night. One
or other of these tables were generally un
occupied, and at Ned's command. Here he
taught me the frame, fur which I immediate
ly conceived a passion, and practised it
without intermission at every possible op
portunity. It is a fact that in my eleventh
year I sometimes played for seven hours a
day, without absenting myself from school,
without fatigue, and without surfeit. Ned's
father had no objection to our practice, as
it was his object to make a finished player
out of his son. The boy, however, was
near-sighted, and I soon outstripped him in
knowledge of the game. Sometimes Mr.
B— would watch our play, and give in
struction, which I was but too apt in re
ceiving. This state of things continued un
til I was fourteen years of age, by which
time I could beat, and had beaten, every
amateur player that frequented the rooms
—not unfrequently to the considerable
profit of the proprietor, who was always
ready to back my play.
At fourteen, my uncle bound me as out
door apprentice to Mr. C— in George
street. I had now but a little time in the
evening for billia;ds. At first I did not
care for this, thinking I had had enough
enough of it; but after an interval of a few
months the old passion for the game re
turned stronger than ever. I had recourse
to my old schoolfellow once more; but now
there was an objection to my appearance
at the subscription-rooms, his father not
wishing his subscribers to identify me as
Mr. C—'s apprentice. Iu consequence,
it was only by stealth and on rareoccasions
that we could resume our play. In this
Alilemma, I was driven to the cheaper tables
free to the public. There was one in the
Borough Walls, open to all the world, and
which, being opposite to the Blue School,
and near the theatre, was much frequented
during theatrical hours by the servants of
the gentry occupying the boxes. I soon
discovered that this place was the very
sink of vice and blackguardism; that the
most infamous transactions were carried on
there by a gang of gambling Jews, who
plundered the unwary at dice and hazard;
that, in a word, besides being a billiard
room, it was a perfect gambling-hell—and
yet I could nut keep away. The best play
ers I had yet seen frequented this table,
and among them were some of the most
consummate blackguards in existence. It
was but rarely, however, that I met my
match amongst them, and as I improved
constantly, in process of time I could beat
them all.
81 . 50
ESA
I should have been speedily and irre
deemably ruined by the infamous society of
this place had it not been that, at about
the age of sixteen I coneived a violent
passion fur music, and began learning the
piano, and studying counterpoint under a
little humpbacked professor of the name of
Albin, who taught me at a shilling a lesson.
But for the music, I should certainly have
thrown up.my trade and turned gambler
long ere I was out of my time. As it was,
the music and the billiards divided my
leisure between them; now one now the
other being in the ascendent. Perhaps the
music would ultimately have weaned me
from the l,illiard table—for I rapidly ac
quired considerable skill, and could rattle
off sets of quadrilles tastily enough in my
second year—but about this time the science
of billiards began to be talked of, and the
practice of the game to assume some new
phase!. Every mouth was full of the
praises of Jack Carr, who had invented the
side twist, and made other discoveries
tending to the demonstration of phenomena
hitherto unrecognized in the motion of
globular bodies. All the billiard world
went mad on the new discoveries, and it
was not likely that I should be unaffected
by the current mania. Ned B— first in
doctrinated me in the new invention, and it
was at his father's house I first saw Carr at
play. I found him an adept at every arti
fice in the game, and astonishingly skillful
in the use of his own invention, to which,
nevertheless, I was not disposed to accord
the value he claimed for it. I noticed that
he was often beaten by players whom I had
beaten frequently myself, and I noticed,
too, that when thus beaten, it was inva
riably through reliance on his newly in
vented stroke. There was no difficulty in
the use of this invention, even to a stranger,
as the player who once understood the new
principle could master it easily in a few
hours' practice. In fact, what I then sus
pected has since been abundantly proved:
the side-twist is of little real use to a good
player, as it adds but little to his real
strength, and is not at all comparable to
"NO ENTERTAINMENT IS SO CHEAP AS READING, NOR ANY PLEASURE SO LASTING."
COLUMBIA, PENNSYLVANIA, SATURDAY MORNING, JULY", 1859.
the capacity of making a good winning
hazard—a faculty, by the way, which Carr
did not possess in any extraordinary de
gree. About the same time, some one
else, paraphrasing Carr's invention, dis
covered the top-twist, by which a still more
eccentric motion is imparted to a ball.
Both these discoveries, however, are rather
curiosities of the players' art, than valuable
additions to it, and as such they should be
regarded; though there are, doubtless, cer
tain situations in which they may be used
with advantage. I was not long in master
ing both these tours (le force, and could call
then. into action when requisite.
One night, whils I was playing a match
with a footman in the Borough Walls' den,
a young Irishman entered the room and
stood looking on. He was buttoned to the
chin in a seedy coat, and trod in a pair of
new hob-nailed highlows. The room was
crowded; and some of the insolent wags of
the place began exercising their wit at the
expense of the new comer. Ile bore it
good humoredly enough, answering only
with a ready joke and a rather smart re
tort, until one of the blackguards, presum
ing on his quietness, shouldered acue, and,
walking backwards, brought the but-end in
his face. The next moment the aggressor
was sprawling on the floor, and the Irish
boy in a fighting attitude, ready for whoso
ever should present himself. file fallen
man rose and rushed to the encounter, but
in two minutes had had enough of it, leav
ing the Irishman triumphant.
The visitor showed the best possible tem
per, apologised to the company for the
interruption his presence had occasioned,
and begged that the play might bo resumed;
and in a few minutes, such order as was
usual was restored. It appeared after
wards that Pat Meagher—so was the stran
ger called—had been a marker in Dublin;
that lie had landed at Liverpool without a
penny a fortnight before, and had tramped
down to Bath, supporting himself with his
cue on the route. lie soon proved himself
an admirable player, beating me at our
first encounters, though I was able to return
the compliment after becoming acquainted
with his tactics. lie bud .the peculiar
faculty of bringing his ball to a dead stop,
after striking another, at whatever distance
—a feat often of much value, and which I
never saw accomplished so surely by any
other man. He played but a few nights at
the den, fur he had the sense to see that if
he became notorious there, his chance
among the upper circles was lost. A few
months after his arrival, I saw him, habited
like an officer in undress, playing with a
Right Honorable at B—'s subscription
tables. Here he gained a certain notoriety,
and no inconsiierable cash. It being an
understood thing that be would play any ama
teur for any amount, B—, without my
knowledge, matched me against him for con
testof twenty-one games. I could not refuse
to play the match; and it came off on
Christmas-eve, in the presence of over a
hundred spectators. At the end of the
nineteenth game I was the winner of eleven,
and of a large amount of money which
changed hands on the occasion, though I
neither had nor coveted any of it.
I fell into disgrace at home by playing
this match. The rumor of my exploit was
bruited abroad, and reached the ears of my
uncle, who was violently angry, as also
was, or pretended to be, my master; and
they talked of punishing me by imprison
ment for playing at unlawful games, in
violation of the terms of my indenture. I
was compelled to give a solemn promise
not to enter a billiard room during the re
mainder of my apprenticeship, which had
still a year to run. I kept
. my promise
faithfully, consoling myself with my piano
forte, on which I strummed away until
midnight. When my term drew to a close,
my uncle, who feared I should turn gamb
ler if I remained in Bath, wrote to his
brother in Dover, who, carrying on the
same business to which I had served my
time, consented to receive me as an assis
tant. I was not unwilling to see the world;
and accepted the situation offered.
I went down by the Dover coach in April
IS2I to my new appointment. I found my
relative an agreeable old fellow, already
prejudiced in my favor, from a liking he
had conceived for me in my childhood, du
ring a visit to Bath, and not at all disposed
to restrict my pleasures. He hired a piano
forte from Bachelor's, borrowed piles of
music, and was never weary of my per
formances, which he enjoyed to perfection
under a cloud of tobacco smoke. Dyer
was at that time all life and gay , ty. The
Duke of Clarence's sons by Mrs. Jordan
ruled the roast at the garrison, and led the
fashion in the town and neighborhood.—
Routes, balls, fetes, and dancing-parties fol
lowed each other nightly. Quadrilles were
the rage, and, as a consequence, I soon bo•
came sought after as a pianist, and had en
gagements four or five deep constantly on
hand. I was paid handsomely for my ser•
vices, and ate ices, quaffed champagne, and
reveled in gastronomic luxuries. I relished
my new position amazingly; I saw the best
company, had the honor of playing to the
blood royal, and, what I relished more, to
the beautiful daughtres of Supervisor %V
—, the sight of whose bewitching faces
sometimes set my fingers blundering, and
my brain a wool-gathering.
As the summer drew on, this kind of oc
cupation relaxed, and then ceased altogether
and my way of life settled down into a
rather dull routine. The summer passed
and the autumn too, and November came
in with its fogs and storms. I found a new
pleasure in the roar of the huge breakers,
and dash of the sounding surge on the peb
bly beach, under the castle cliff; which was
then a dreary weird-looking spot, very un
like what it is now. It was my habit to
walk out of an evening, through the dark
ness, and take post on the old stakes of the
jetty, to enjoy in solitude the din, whirl,
uproar, and fury of the tempest. One
evening about seven o'clock., as I WM pas
sing the end of Snargate street towards the
castle cliff, I heard a gentle clicking sound,
which thrilled through too from head to toe
like an electric shock—it was the soft crep
itating kiss of billiard balls. Here was a
discovery! I had net khowu that there was
a table in the I felt Inv right hand
grasping the cue; and the fingers of my left
forming a bridge; as if by some magnetic
influence. I looked round in all directions
for the entrance. A dim lamp hung over a
side-passage, and a few paces down there was
an open door and a staircase, lighted by the
merest blink from above. I stole softly up
the stairs, and came at the first landing on
a dour with a glass panel, but partly cur
tained within; I peeped in, and saw two
officers at play at a small table, and a com
pany of gentleman seated round. I had
been at work all day, and had my
apron rolled round my waist. I knew it
would nut do to enter in such a garb. I
ran home and washed, indued my best suit,
and in twenty minutes had returned and
entered the room. No one noticed my in
trusion, so I took a seat and watched the
game. One of the players I recognized as
a garrison officer who bad often danced to
my music, and it is possible that he recog
nized me. He won the game, and his ad
versary declined to play any more, on the
plea that he had no chance with him. The
victor then challenged the room; and as no
one accepted the challenge, I rose and ol
ferd to play him myself. Ile eyed me from
head to foot rather superciliously, and with
a kind of haughty condescension, rolling
the balls as he spoke, told me to lead off.—
Annoyed at his pomposity, I allowed him
but a single stroke, and then carelessly
made the game off the balls. He was
pleased to attribute this first result to acci
dent, but the accident recurred again and
again, to the mirth of the company, and
his intense mortification. To give him
some chance of winning, I proposed that
he should take five of the pockets to my
one; he accepted my offer, but still did not
win a game, and finally left off without a
momentary advantage. This affair created
quite a sensation in the room; and I was
asked to favor them with my company on
the morrow evening, wben perhaps I might
meet with a worthier antagonist. I con
sented, and presented myself on the mor
row accordingly, The room was full, and
several of the new comers were anxious to
measure their strength against me. My
pride was roused, and I showed them all
that they litid no chance in the contest. I
had refused to play fur money from the first
and it was this that puzzled them, while it
secured fur me their respect. When they
requested that I would come again, I de
chained, on the ground that the table was
not worth playing at—which was true, the
pockets being twice the proper size, and the
area not quite half the usual dimensions.
I derided the idea of practising the science
of billiards on such a toy, and refused to
have anything more to do with it. Having
said thus 1:131101, and made my bow to the
company, I took my leave with an air of
wonderful independence. •
It was about nine o'clock in late Novem
ber as I left the house and proceeded in the
teeth of the wind towards the old jetty,
whete the monster breakers were bursting
in thundering peals on the masses of huge
pebbles round and big as cannon balls,
whose tremendous rattling, as they were
dashe I to and fru, gave out a sound like
the clapping of millions of giant palms,
and which wrought most pow erfully and
agreeably on my imagination. I had seated
myself on a fragment of a beam, and was
peering through the darkness at the heavy
circling masses of water, when I felt a hand
on my shoulder. I started to my feet; there
stood a dim figure before me, motioning in
show—for nu voice could be heard—and
beckoning me away. I rose, nodded acqui
escence, and followed, as he led on toward
a shed under the cliff, where a light was
burning. When under the lee of the build
ing, and sheltered from the loud roaring of
the billows, he turned short round, and pre
sented a figure which I have good reason to
remember until my dying day. lie was a
man of about fifty-five years of age, not
more than about five feet in height, with a
prodigious hunch on" his shoulders, yet
standing as upright as a dart. A long
pale visage; a nose like an eagle's beak; a
pair of deep sunk gray eyes; an ample
brow; prominent chin, and thin, bloodless
lips, such was the.aspect be turned suddenly
towards me, with the not very courteous in
quiry:
"I say, young fellow, who the devil are
your'
"Really," said I, "I may return the in
quiry with interest, and with more show of
reason.. What is your business with me?"
"You need not take offence; there is none
intended I assure you—quite the contrary.
Here is my card, and I am to be found at
the 'Ship.' "
I took the card, held it to the light, and
read the,avords, "Louis Crannet" .
"Your name is strange to me," I said:
"I hare still to learn your blisiness with
me."
"I wish to know who you are, and what
is your profession," he replied. "My mo
tive for that is not mere curiosity. If you
desire concealment, of course I say no more
but it strikes me you do not."
"You are right," I said? "I have no mo
tixe for concealment;" and I told him my
name, address and daily employment.
He affected the utmost astonishment.—
"Do you mean to tell me," he asked, as if
utterly incredulous, "that you arc such an
infatuated ass as to work at a trade fur
about thirty shillings a week, and yet rlay
such a game at billiards as I have seen you
play?"
'•P-how!" said I; "billiards are an
amusement only; I could not make a living
by billiards."
"The deuce you could'nt! Hark ye,
young man, you have the means of inde
pendence in your hand, and you don't know
it. Now, listen to me. With such skill at
billiards as you have, and such knowledge
of the world as I could teach you, you
might gain any amount of wealth you
choose."
"Or, which is just as probable, might lose
what little I bare."
"Not at all. If you are afraid of that, I
will make you an offer. You shall quit
your trade, and place yourself under my
charge. I will take you all over Europe;
you shall make the grand tour at my ex
pense; I will defray all charges of traveling
living, and clothing; you shall visit all the
capitals, shall have your own valet, and live
like a lord; and I will give you a clear three
hundred a year for yourself."
"In return for which," said I, "I am to
play where you choose, to win when you
choose, and to lose when you choose."
"Just so," said he.
"Thank you; I will have nothing to do
with it."
"You will be sorry for it, my lad; and if
you are such an idiot as to go grinding at a
beggarly trade fur a few shillings a week,
when you might realize an independence in
a few years, you deserve to suffer."
"Good night!" I replied, and strode away
home as fast as I could. I had shaken off
the tempter for a time, and felt in quite a
virtuous glow as I walked homewards
through the dull streets and the drizzling rain
which began to fall. Next day, however, as
I stood at my work in the dreary cobwebby
shop, the vision which Mr. Crannel's words
had conjured up to my imagination returned
with double force, and in brilliant contrast to
the surrounding circumstances. My avoca
tion for the first time grew distasteful, and
I longed for the hour of release. When it
came, I sallied out to the sea-shore, at the
old spot; and dreamed away an hour there
to the murmur of the subsiding gale. I
caught myself once or twice looking round
to see if Mr. Crannel would make his ap
pearance again. Ile did not conic, and I
suppose I walked home that night with a
feeling of disappointment.
On the following day, Crannel came into
the shop while I was left in charge during
the temporary absence of my uncle, and
bought a few trifling articles, the selection
of which occupied him half an hour. He
now renewed his offer, and begged me to
think of it calmly at my leisure, informing
me at the same time that he should remain
at the "Ship" Ihr another week, and should
be happy to see me at any moment.
I told him that there was no probability
that I should change my determination; but
ho must have seen that my resolution was
not so firm as it had been at our first en•
counter; and it is likely that be already felt
certain that I should swallow the bait. Af
ter this, he waylaid me every night in my
walks, and thus, in repeated interviews,
from which I had not the resolution to re-I
frain, at length won me over to his purpose.
I accepted .his proposition in terms with
which the reader is already acquainted, and
we drew up a duplicate agreement at his
hotel, which was mutually !de:a ed, nod .'F,
which each cf us retitit.ed a copy. The
agreement bound me to him co- three years
though it only covenanted that I should
render him my services whenever called
upon, for the salary named—no reference
being made to the nature of the services.
1 had to make up a tale to satisfy my old
uncle, who was most unwilling to let me
go; but he was appeased at last, and gave
me his blessing at parting. It was the sec
ond week in December when I stepped on
board the steamboat with Crannel, and
sailed fur Calais. I had never been to sea
before; the passage proved tempestuous,
and the boat nearly foundered midway. 1
was miserably sick, and longed to go at
once to the bottom. Crannel watched and
waited on me with almost a woman's ten
derness—got me to bed as soon as we
touched the shore, and could not have man
ifested more care and kindness,had I been,
as people thought I was, his only son."
A night's repose restored me; and the
next morning an "artist" ma he his appear
ance, who took my measure, and in a few
days sent in such a magnificent wardrobe,
made in the recent Parisian fashion, as
qualified me, in appearance, at least, for
any society in Europe. Meanwhile Cran
nel made me aware of the particulars of
his plan. I was to assume the character
of an English country gentleman of fortune
$1,50 PER YEAR IN ADVANCE; $2,00 IF NOT IN ADVANCE
on his travel.. I was to be passionately
fond of billiards, and about as clever with
the cue as country gentlemen generally are
—playing a - N - rild game, in a reckless, can
tiunless way, hut, fur obvious reasons, play:
inn only for moderate stakes. It would be
his part to drop in occasionally during the
play, when he would make his own bets,
either in my favor or against me, as he
choose, and I was to win or lose according
to signals agreed upon between us. In or
der to avoid suspicion, I was to conceal my
real strength, even when it was most re-
quired, and to win, when to win was most
imperative, as if by accident rather than
design. With regard to the connection be
tween us, it was agreed that we should not
appeal- too intimate, or, on the other hand,
too distant and reserved; we were to be
casual acquaintances, on good terms with
each other, atol sotnetinws winning each
other's money at n quiet ntrni- gown.
_UI tJje
pelit f 1 c,aildv..4. ~
at. a FrCliell table—rite c.llllHw Ca
being very different fr..an winch
had been uccustomed—ia ~rder to familiar
ise myself with their peculiarities; and
we started by separate eunveyances. I and
my valet leading the way, fur Brussels.
(To at CONTINUED.]
A Chapter oz Wit
The author of the "Tin Trumpet" thus
discourses on wit—and illustrates the sub
ject:
Wit consists in discovering likenesses—
judgement in detecting differences. Wit is
like aghost, much more often talked of than
scene. To be genuine, it should haven base
of truth and applicability, otherwise it de_
generates into mere flippancy; as, for in
stances, when Swift says: "A very little wit
is valued in a woman, as we are pleased with
a few words spoken plain by a parrot;" or
when Voltaire remarks, that "Ideas are like
beards; woman and oung, men have none."
This is a random facetiousness, if it de
serves that term, which is equally despicable
for its fuleshood and its facility.
Where shall we discover that rarer species
of wit, which, like the vine, bears the more
clusters of sweet grapes the oftener it is
pruned; or, like the seven-mouthed Nile,
springs the faster from the head, the more
copiously it,flows from the mouth ?
The sensations excited by wit are de
troyed, or at least impaired, if it excite the
stronger emotions, or even if it be connected
with purposes of utility and improvement.
We may laugh where it is bitter, as the
Sardinians did when they had tasted of their
venomous herbs, but this is the risibility of
the muscles allied to convulsions rather than
to intellectual pleasure.
Leigh Hunt devotes forty pages of one of
his hooks—and fails to elucidate the mys
tery at last. Johnson defines wit as "the
faculty of associating disimilar images in
an unusual manner." Sidney Smith, in
his "Lectures on Moral Philosophy," shows
the fallacy of this definition, gives a better,
and broaches the startling doctrine that wit,
so far from being necessarily a natural gift,
might be studied as successfully as mathe
matics. It is a question if Sheridan was
witty when staggering along, half tipsy, he
was eyed by a policeman, and exclaimed,
confidentially, "My name is Wilberforce—
I ass a religious man—don't expose me!'
Talleyraud, when asked by a lady fa
mous for her beauty and stupidity, how she
should rid herself of some of her trouble
some
admirers, replied:
"You have only to open your mouth,
madam."
This if witty, was also ill-natured.
Lord Chatham rebuked a dishonest Chan
cellor of the Exchequer by finishing a quo.
tation the latter had commenced. The de
bate turned upon some grant of money for
the encouragament of art, which was op
posed by the Chancellor of the Exchequer,
who finished his speech against Lord Chat
ham's motion by saying, ••Why was not this
ointment sold and the money given to the
poor?" Chatham rose and said, "Why
did not the noble lord coMplete the quota
tation, th , npplicalion being so striking?
As he has shrunk from it, I will finish the
verse for him—'This Judas said, not that he
cared for the poor, but because he was a
thief, and carried the bag.' "
It was coarse wit when Lord Byron, who
was groaning with agony from a severe at
tack of cholic, and exclaiming; "Lord help
rue! lam dying," was told by Trelawney,
"not to make such an infernal fuss about
eying."
Luttrell tolls a story of Sir F. Gould, who
had a habit of adding the phrase "on the
contrary" to everything he said; a gentle
man saying to him, "So I hear, Gould, you
eat three eggs every morning for breakfast?"
"No," on the contrary—" "What the devil,"
said Luttrell, "does the contrary of eating
three eggs mean?" "Llyidnj them, of course!"
said Sheridan. This was ready wit.
Rowland Rill compared a sinner to an
oyster, which opened its shell, all month to
take water; just as the sinner, with his
mouth at full stretch, took in the tide of in
iquity. 'heavenly grace," he said was
"like a rump of beef—cut and come again
—no meagre fare, my dear brethern."
Lydia White, an Englih magazine writer,
was an invalid, and fancied herself contin
ually at death's door, and used to invite
people to see'her die. A friend, who had
gone several times by special invitation,
and come away disappointed, at last refused
to attend. pleading that he "could not afford
{WHOLE NUMBER 1,507.
to waste so much time on a mortuary ut.-
certainty
Seotehmen arc notoriously unable to ap
preciate a joke. Sydney Smith, who knows
them well, says: "It requires a surgical
operation to get a joke into a Scotch under
standing. Their only idea of wit or trot,
as they call it, is laughing immoderately at
stated intervals."
Some of the Irish judges of olden time
were equally dull. One, in giving his dic
tum on a certain will case, said he "thought
it very clear that the tesiteur imeudel to
keep a life ilderc4 in the ehtate
To it Curran frankly replied:
~‘'Very trm.,
my lord, very true; oyNtaturs generally .1,
secure life interests to thetnell,e; , , but in
this case I think your worship takes the
will fur the deed."
How ue "DvEn" von LuVE.—_in amusing
~tory is told, as au episode in a story in a late
i• 11 eigo review, about amil.tary yon rig gentlo
,a:. v for love. The ;al:lir occurred
lo 0%0., io,!ru trzi, named Do. Mersey.
lie was s iolently enamoured of a very pretty
WUL/IMLI winan he met ny chance in the s root,
and disc... ered at temards to be the wife of
a "dyer" in the Rue de Marais. Whether
she was dispused to favor his addresses or
acted in concert with her husband to punish
hitmis not very easy to say; the result would
incline to the latter supposition. At all events
she gave him a rendezvous, at which they
where surprised by the dyer himself—a fel
low strong as Hercules, and of an ungovern
able temper. lie rushed wildly on De Mar
say, who defended himself fit s.ano time
with his rapist.; a false thrust howerzr,
broke the weapon at the hilt, and the dyer
springing forward caught poor Gustave
round the body and actually carried hint
off over his head, and plunged him neck and
heels into an enormous tank filled with dye
stuff! How he escaped drowning—how ho
issued from the house and ever reached his
home—he never was able to tell. It is more
than probable the consequences of the calam
ity absorbed and obliterated all eke; for
when he awoke next day he discos - et ed that
he was totaly changed--his skin, from head
to foot, being dyed a deep blue! It was in
vain he washed and washed, boiled himself
in hot baths, or essayed a hundred cleansing
remedies; nothing availed in the least—in
fact many thought that he came out only
bluer than before. The most lea ned of the
faculty were consulted, the most distin
guished chemists—nil in vain. At last a dyer
was sent for, who in an instant recognized
the peculiar tint,and said, "Ah, there is hut
one man in Paris has the secret of this color,
and he lives in the line de Marais."
I I
Here was a terrible blow to all his hopes;
and in the discouragement it inflicted three
long months were passed, De Marais grow
ing thin and wretched from fretting, and by
his despondency occasioning his friends the
deepest solicitude. At length one ef his rela
tives resolved on a bold step. Ile went direct
to the Rue de Marias, and demanded to
speak to the dyer. It is not very easy to say
how he opend a negotiation of such delicacy;
that he did so with consummate tact and
skill there can be no doubt, fur he so worked
on the dyer's compassion by the picture of
the poor young fellow, utterly ruind in his
career, unable to face the world—to meet
the regiment—even to appear before the en
emy, being blue!—that the dyer at last con
fessed his pity, but at the same time cried
out, "What can I do? There is no getting
it ea' agaiu!"
"Nu getting it MT again!. do you really
tell me that?" exclaimed the wretched no-
n'otiltor
. •
"Impossible! that's the patent," tail' the
other, with an ill-dissembled pride. "I have
spent seven years in the invention. I only
hit upon it last October. Its grand merit is
that it resists all attempts to efface it."
"And du you tell me," cries the friend in
terror, "that this poor fellow must go down
to his grave in that odious—well, I mean no
offence—in that un holy tint?"
"There is but one thing in nip power, sir,"
"Well, w hat is it, in the name of mtgres:
Out cw•ith it, and name your mice,"
"1 can make him a very charming greets!
bcau vert,ntonsieur."
AN AMOROUS A CRONAT:T.-A late French
journal relates the following story, which
it will be seen is French all over, besides
being immensely funny:
While Mons. Godard was filling an im
mense balloon in the Champ tic Mars, 1.0
amused the spectators Ly sending up a
small figure of a man, the perfee.tscuiLlaoco
of M. Thiers without the spectacles. The
little man • being filled with gas rose majest
ically into the air, and was soon lost to
%iow among the clouds. His ndventures,
which became known the next day, were
curious. Thanks to a strong and favoring
gale which impelled him on his course, tim
little balloon man arrived the same after
noon in the sight of a fine country house in
in the neighborhood of Bievero. It was
near the hour of dinner, and the latly:of the
mansion, who naturally thought herself
perfectly safe, was occupied in the myste
ries of her toilet. It was a warm day, and
she opened one of the windows which looked
out upon the park, and was safe from any
prying eyes. While tranquilly engaged,
by the assistence of a corset-lacing, in re
ducing her waist to a size and shape that
would reflect credit on her husband's taste,
she was suddenly startled by a strange
noise, and immediately the casement was
thrown open, and our little balloon-man