l iM:. -1r',...:-1.-.....4,H _. ~.7.....:,,
13.0t1= WRIGHT, Editor and proprietor.
VOLUME XXVII, NUMBER 40.]
rUDLISIIED'EVERY SATURDAY 'MORNING.
. in Northern-Central Railroad Com
pany's' Building, north -teat earner Front and
llRtnut.streets.
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lb-their bUslness. -
Pro. John & Rohrer,
AVE anociated in the Practice of Medi-
Heine.
Col urni.ia, April 101,1851141
DR. G. W. MIFFLIN,
• •
TIENTIAT, Locust street, near the Post Of
fice. Columbia, Pa.
,Columbia, May 3, 1856.
li. .M. NORTII,
ATTORNEY AND COUNSELLOR AT LAW.
Columbia, Va.
Collections, promptly made, in Lancaster and York
Counties.. • •
Columbia, May 4,1850:
J. N. FISHER,
Attorney and Connaellor at Law,
Cleausnievier,
Columbia, September ti, 1656.1{
GEORGE J. SMITH,
WHOLESALE and Retail. Bread and Cate
Baker.—Constantly on hand a varlet y of Cakes,
too numerous to mention; Crackers; Soda, Wine, Scroll,
and ; Sugur Biscuit; Confectionery, of eT
'S'IC ve REET,ry description,
LOCUS
Feb.,2,'56. Between the Bank and Franklin Housc.
n. F. B.7POLD & CO.,
.±.=
GENERAL FORWARDING AND COMMIS
UMWION MERCHANTS, *a
RECEIVERS OF -
COAL LAND PUODIICE,
And Deliijerers on any point on the Columbia'and
PAi/adelphicr Railroad. to York and
Baltimore and to Pittsburg;
TIEALERS IN COAL, FLOUR AND GRAIN,
4.1 WHISKY AND BACON, have lust received
largo lot of Monongahela Rectified Whiskey, from
'Pittsburg, of Which they will keep n supply constantly
on hand, at low prices, Nos. 1, 2 and El Canal Basin.
Columbia, January 27,1854.
OATS FOR SALE
BY THE BUSHEL, or in larger, quantities,
at Nos. 1, 2 & 6 Canal Basin.
B. F. APPOLD & CO.
Columbia, January 26, 1856
ROPES, ROPES, ROPES.
t-In COILS, superior qualities, various sizes,
Kyv Just receives and for , sale cheap.by
WELSH & RICH.
Columbia, March 22,18.58.
Just Received,
OBUS. PRIME GROUND NUTS, at J. F.
SMYTH'S Wholesale and Retail Confectionery
wstab/ishment. Front street . , two doors below the
Washington HOUPC, Columbia. [October 0.11356.
Just Received,
2 0
lIHD.S. SDOULDEILS, 15 TIERCES HAMS.—
For sale by ' D. P. APPOLD & CO,
Nos. 1, 2 and 8, Canal Base.
Columbia, OetoberlB, 1856.
Rapp's Gold Pens.
CONSTANTLY on hand, an assortment of
these celebrated PENS. Persons in want of a
good article are invited to call and examine them.
Columbia, Jane 20, 1855. JOHN FELIX.
'Excellent Dried Beef,
QUGAR Cured and Plain Huns, Shoulders and Sides,
4.3 sor sale by
March 72, I 956.
Just Received,
LAUB ;LOT •of Ctildren'a Carriages,
Gig., Rocking Horse., Wheelbarrows, Proud
er', Nursery Swings, &c. UEORGE L J, SAIITII.
April 19,1956. - LOCIIISt 'Meet.
0311 NA and other Fanny Articles, too numerous to
N./ mention, for Pale by C. .1. SihrTll, Locust street,
between the Rank and Franklin House.
Columbia, April 19, 1836.
TEE undersigned hare been appointed
agents for the sale of Cook & Co'sGUl'TA P ER-
A PENS; warranted not to corrode; in e laslicity
they almost equal the quill.
SAYLOR & 111cDONA.LD.
Columbia Jan. 17, 1857.
Just Received,
A BUIFfIFIILIot of lamp Shades, viz: Vie
,ol.llllll, Volcano, Drum. Butler Fly. Red Ropes,
and thelnew French Fruit Shade, which can be seen
in the window of the Golden Mortar Drug Store.
Neverobe,r 29,1636.
A -LUSE lot- of Shaker Corn, front the
!Maker settlement in New
S Yoik, Ant received,
H. UYDAM le SON'S
at
Columbia, Dec. 20,185 G
AMR DYE ' S. Jones' Batchelor's, Peter's and
, Flyptian hair dyes, warranted to color %a hair
eared shade, without injury to the skin. For sale
by It. WILLIAhLS.
May 10, • Front at., Columbia, Pa.
& TROMPSOWS lastly celebrated 040-
min:silt{ and other Gold rena—tne hett i n t h e
raukot"-ilter motive& P...SHBEINER.
Colurabla, April 28,1833,
WlTiti. MILT 11015 t, by the barrel, for
__l24 sole by B. F. AP OLD & CO,
Columbia,June 7. Nos. 1,2 and 6 Canal Dania.
AL inunis, 12 1.2 ets. per . pound;
Shoulders, 11) do do
-Dried Beef, 14 do do
Tfde Water Canal Money received for goods.
WELSH & RICH
.Colombia, May 17,1856.
SY shofild unperson do without a Clock,
when they cau be had for $1,50 and upwards.
OUREINER'S?
Columbia, April 98,1855
SOOI I IKFIEIt, or Copecatrated LA : for uta
king Soap. lib. bndieieot'for one barrel of
Solt Soap, or llbtror 9 lbs. Beni Soup. Fell direr
lions all be given at the C.oonser for making Sett,
Hard and Fancy Soaps. For sale by
Colonibla; March 01,1900
Q OLVTION Or CITRATE OF IligNEBll,or
Pur
-66 Misers' Water.—Tbie plemiant rnedieln'e
.which is SighlT - recommended as a substitute far
.Epsom Salts, SeidUtz 'Powders. lee.. elan be obtained
fresh avail day it SAWL.'FILBERT'S DroaSiore,
Srastat. pa .
/TOOTEN BROOMS,' Bo BOXES CAMPS.' For
7.1 r, sale.theap, by. B. P. APPOLD & CO.
dojyoeLtai Ocy" . lr.r 25,1154.
STYtkinOrrigrletio . 6tpArNr i Natozrai7
... • Fre": Street, Colombia:Pa
FFEBT RECEIVED, a large andsrelPseleeted sanely
rar of Brasher, eonliitiom In :part of Shoe;Thdr, Cloth,
Crumb, Nail, Hat and Teeth Brushes, sad for sate by
R. WILLIAMS,
St arch 22.'18. Pewit street Columbia, Pa.
WE :NEW IT' WOULD RAIN
We knew ft would rain, for all the morn,
A spirit, on slender ropes of mist, • "
Was lowering Its golden buckets down
Into the vapory amethyst
$1 SO
Of marshes and swamps and dismal fens—
Scooping the dew that lay In the flowers,
Dipping the jewels out of the sea,
To sprinkle them over the land in showers!
We knew it would rain, for the poplars showed
The white of their leaves—the amber grain
Shrink in the wind—and the lightning now ,
Is tangled in tremulous skeins of rain!
Psontattes Monthly
MU
OLD CHURCH BELLS.
Ring out merrily,
Loudly, cheerily,
Blithe old bells from the steeple tower
Hopefully, fearfully,
Joyfully, tearfully,
fiToveth the bride from her maiden bower
Cloud there is none in the fair summer sky;
Sunshine flings benison down from on high;
children sing loud as the train moves along,
"Happy the bride that the sun shineth on."
Knell out drearily,
Measured and wearily,
Sad old bells from the steeple gray,
Priests chanting lowly;
SOlctnnly, slowly
Passeth the corse (corn the portal today
Drops from the leaden elands heavily fall
Drippingly over the plume and thepall;
Murmur old folks, as the (rein moves along,
"Happy the dead that the rain raineth on."
'WELSII &Richt
Toll at the hour of prime,
Natio, and vesper chime,
Loved old bells from the steeple high—
Rolling, like holy waves,
Over the lowly graves,
Floating up, prayerdraught, into the sky
Solemn the lesson your lightest notes tench;
Stern is the preaching your iron tongues preach!
Ringing in life from the bud to the bloom,
Ringing the dead to their rest in the tomb;
Brave old bells, on each Sabbath day,
In sunshine and gladness;
Through clouds and through sadness;
Bridal and burial bave pasa'd away.
Tell us. life's pleasure with death arc still rife;
Tell us that Death ever leadeth to Life;
Life is our labor, and Death Is our rest,
If happy the Living, the Dead are die blest.
POP, GOES THE QUESTION
List tome, sweet maiden, pray,
Pop, goes the question;
Will you marry me, yea or nay'
Pop goes the question!
I've no time to plead or sigh,
No patience to wait, for bye-and-bye,
Snare me now, I'm sure to Sy,
Pop goes the question!
"Ask pepsin Oh, fiddle de dee!
Pop, goes the question!
Fathers and lovers elm never agree!
r`i,p, goes the question!
can't tell what want to know,
Whether you love me, dear, or no,
To ask him would be very "slow! ,
Pop, goes the Attestion!
I think we'd make 'a ehermtng pair!
Pop, goes the question;
For I'm good looking and you very fair,
Pop, goes the question;
We'll travel life's mend in gallant Style,
And you shall drive every other mile,
Or, if it please you, all the while—
Pop, goes the question!
If we don't have an enehuning time,
Pop, gees she gamic's;
I'm sure 'twill be no fault cd mine,
Pop, goes the question!
To be sore, my funds make a feeble show,
Rut love is nourishing food, you know,
And cottages rent oneommonly low,
- Pop; goes the question!
E2=l
Then answer me quickly, darling, pray,
Pop, goes the question!
Will you marry me, yea or nay?
Pop, goes the question!
rye no r time to plead or sigh,
No patience to wait for bye-and-bye,
Snare me now, or Pm going to Sy,
Pop goes that question!
Wicsso.-11 is not unfrequestly the Case
that the kisses and attentloos bestowed on tht
child of years, are intended for her sister of
sixteen.
Vilarg.
, From Peterson's Magazine
SOME THINGS LOVE ME.
BY T. BUCTIAZILN AXED
All within and all without me
Feel a inelaneholf
And the darknesS hangs about me
Oh, how still!
To ely feet the river glided'
Through the shadow, sullen, dark:
On the stream the white moon rideth
Like a barb,
And the linden leans above me,
Till I think some things there be
In this drenmy world that love me—
Even me!
Gentle buds are blooming near me,
Shedding sweetest breath around;
Countless voices rice to cheer me
From the ground;
And the lone birdeomes: I hear it,
In the tall and windy pine,
Pour the sadness of its spirit
Into mine:
There it swings and aingsaliove me,
Till I think some things there be
In this dretuny world that love MO
Even mc!
Now the moon bath floated to me;
On the stream I see it sway,
Swinging, boat-like, as 'tvvould woo me
Far away!
And the stars bend from the azure;
could reach them where I lie:
And they whisper all the pleasure s
Of the sky!
Theee they hang and smile above me,
Till I think some dung* there be
In the very heavens that love rne—
Even me!
Now when comes the tide of even,
Like a solemn river. s/ow,
Gentle eyes, akin to heaven,
On me glow;
Loving eyes that tell their story,
Speaking to my heart of hearts;
But I sigh—a thing of glory
Soon departs;
Yet when Mary soars above me,
must think that there will be
One star more In heaven to love me—
Even me:
Peal out ever more—
Pealed as ye peed of yore,
"NO ENTERTAINMENT IS SO CHEAP AS READING, NOR ANY PLEASURE SO LASTING."
COLUMBIA, PENNSYLVANIA, SATURDAY MORNING, APRIL 11, 1857.
gthrtiirts.
Fans( Flovsinois , WORDS
A FtIQUEER'S CURSE.
Among the many strange objects that an
Englishman meets with in India, there are
few which tend so much to upset his eqani
mity as a visit - frem a. wandering fuqueer.
The advent of one of these gentry in an
English settlement, is regarded with much
the same sort of feeling as a vagrant cock
roach, when he makes his appearance unan
nounced in a modern drawing-room. If
we could imagine the aforesaid cockroach
braudishing his horns in the face of the
horrified inmates, exulting in the disgust
which his prarence creates, and intimating
with a conceited winger, that, in virtue of
his ugliness, he considered himself entitled
to some cake and wine, perhaps the analogy
Would be more complete.
The fuqueer is the mendicant friar of In
dia. He owns no superior ; wears no cloth
ing; performs no work; despises everybody
and everything; sometimes pretends to per
petual fasting; and lives on the fat of the
land. '
There is this much, however, to be said of
him, that when he does mortify himself for
the good of the community, he does it to
some purpose. A lenten fast, or a penance
of pare lied. peas in his shoes,- would be a
mere bagatelle to him.
We have seen a fugueer who was never
"known" to eat at all. Ile carried a small
black, stone about with him, which had
been presented to his mother by a holy man.
He pretended that by sucking this stone,
and without the aid of any sort of nutri
ment, he had arrived at the mature age of
forty; yet he had a nest of supplementary
chins, and a protuberant paunch, which
certainly did great credit to the fattening
powers of the black stone. Oddly enough,
his business was to collect eatables and
drinkables; but, like the Scottish gentleman
who was continually begging brimstone,
they were "no for his set, but for a neebor."
When - I ba - cv him he was soliciting offerings
of rice, milk, fish, and ghee, for the benefit
of his prirou Devi. These offerings were
nightly /aid upon the altar before the Devi,
who Was supposed to absorb them during
the night, considerately leaving the frag
ments to be distributed among the poor of
the parish. His godship was very discrimi
nating in the goodness and freshness of
these offerings; for he rejected such as were
stale, to be returned next morning, with his
maledictions to the fraudulent donors.
Sometimes a fuqueer will take it into his
bead that the community will be benefitted
by his trundling himself along, like a cart
wheel, for a couple of hundred miles or so.
Ile ties his wrists to his ankles, gets a tire
composed of chopped straw, mud, and cow
dung, laid along the ridge of his back-bone;
a bamboo staff , passed through the angle
formed by his knees and his elbows, by way
of an axle, and off ho goes; a brazen cup,
with a bag, and a hubble-Inebble, hang like
tassels at the two extremities of the nxle.—
Thus accoutred, he often starts on a journey
which will . occupy 'him for several years,
like Milton's fiend,
.o'er bog, or steep, through straight, rough, dense, or rare,
With head, hands, feet, or wings, pursues his way."
On arriving in the vicinity of a village, the
whole population turn out to meet and es
cort him with due honors to the public well
or tank; the men beating drums, and the
women singing through their noses. Hero
his holiness \ unbends, washes off the dust
and dirt acquired by perambulating several
hundred miles of dusty road, and after par
taking of a slight refreshment, enters into
conversation with the assembled villagers
just as if he were an ordinary mortal; mak
ing very particular inquiries concerning the
state of their larders, and slight investiga
tions as to their morals. Of mune every
one is anxious to have the honor of enter
taining a man so holy as to roll to their
pretence doubled up into a hoop t and dia
-1 putes get warm as to who is to have the
preference. Whereupon the fuqueer makes
a speech, in which he returns thanks for
the attention shown him, and intimates that
he intends taking up his quarters with the
man who is most capable of testifying his
appreciation of the honor. After some higg
ling, ho knocks himself down, a decided
bargain, to be the guest of the highest bid
der in whose house he remains, giving good
advice to the community, and diffusing an
odor of sanctity throughout the village.—
When the supplies begin to fail, he ties his
hands to his heels Again, gets a fresh tire
put on, and is escorted out of the village
with the same formalities as accompanied
his entranee.
Like other vermin of his class, he is most
apt to attach himself to the "weaker vessels"
of humanity, with whom ho is generally
a prodigious faiorite. — He is not certainly,
indebted to his personal advantages for this
favor, for a more hideously ugly race of
men is seldom met with. As if nature had
not made him sufficiently repulsive; he
heightens his hideousness by encircling his
eyes with bands of white paint; daubing
I his cheeks a rich mustard yellow; a white
streak runs along the ridge of his nose, and
.another forms a circle round his mouth: his
ribs are indicated by corresponding bars of
*hitt; paint, which give a highly venerable
oross-bones effect to his breast. When I add,
that . he wears no clothes, and that the nee
af11061:; is tS part of his religion, some idea
may be gained of the effect the first view of
him occasions in the mind of a European.
In the afternoon of a very sultry day in
June, I had got a table out in the verandah
of my bungalow, and was amusing myself
with a galvanic apparatus, giving such of
my servants as had the courage a taste of
what they called Inictiee Boinjec (English
lightning,) when a long, gaunt figure, with
his hair hanging in disordered masses over
his face, was observed to cross the lawn.—
On arriving within a few paces of where I
stood, he drew himself up in an imposing
attitude—one of his arms akimbo, while the
other held out towards me what appeared to
be a pair of tongs, with a brass dish at the
extremity of it.
"Who are you?" I called out.
"Fuqueer," was the guttural response.
"What do you want?"
"Bheek" . (alms.)
"Blreek! I exch . timed, surely you are jok
ing, a great stout fellow like you can't be
wanting bheek?"
The Fuqueer paid not the slightest atten
tion, but continued holding out his tongs
with the dish at the end of it.
"You had better be off;" I said; "I never
give bheek to people who are able to work."
"We do Khooda work,". replied the fu
queer, with a swagger.
"Oh! you do,—then," I answered, ' jou
had better ask Khooda for bbeek." So say
ing I turned to the table, and began arrang
ing the apparatus for making some experi
ments. happening to look up about five
minutes after, I observed that the fuqueer
was standing upon one leg, and struggling
to assume as much dignity as was consistent
with his equilibrium—while his left hand
sustained his right foot across his abdo
men. I turned to the table, and tried to
go on with my work; but I blundered awfully,
broke a glass jar, cut my fingers, and made
a mess on the table. I had a consciousness
of the fuqueer's staring at me with his ex
tended dish, and could not get the fellow
out of my head. I looked up at him again.
There lie was as grand as ever, on his one
leg, and with his eyes rivetted on mine.—
He continued this performance for nearly
an hour, yet there did not seem to be the
faintest indication of his unfolding himself;
—rather a picturesquoornameat to the lawn,
if he should take it into his head—as
these fellows sometimes do—to remain in
the same position for a twelve-month. "If,"
I said, "you stand there much longer, I'll
give you such a taste of boinjee (lightning)
as will soon make you glad to go."
The only answer to this threat was a smile
of derision, that sent his mustache bristling
up against his nose.
"Lightning!" he sneered—"your lightning
can't touch a fuqueer,—the gods take care I
of him:'
Without more ado I charged the battery
and connected it with a coil machine, which
as those who have tried it aro aware, is ca
pable of racking the nerves in such a way
as few people care to try, and which n one
arecapable of voluntarily enduring beyond a
few seconds. The fuqueer seemed rather
amused at the queer-looking implements on
the table, but otherwise maintained a look
of lofty stoicism; nor did ho seem in any
way alarmed when I approached with the
conductors.
Some of my servants who had already
experienced the process, now came cluster
ing about with ill-suppressed merriment, to
witness the fuquecr's ordeal. I fastened
one wire to his still extended tongs, and
the other to the foot on the ground.
As the coil machine was not yet in action,
beyond disconcerting him a little, the attach
ment of the wires did not otherwise affect
him. But when I pushed the magnet into
the coil and gave him the full strength of
the battery, he howled like a demon; the
tongs—to which his hand was now fastened
by a force beyond his will—quivered in his
unwilling grasp as if it were burning the
flesh from his bones. He threw himself on
the ground, yelling and gnashing his teeth,
the tongs clanging an irregular accompa
niment. Never was human pride so ab
ruptly cast down. lie was rolling about in
such a frantic way that I began to fear that
he would do himself a mischief; and, think
ing ho had now had as much as was good
fur him, I stopped the machine and released
him.
For some minutes he lay quivering on the
ground, as if not quite sure that the horrible
spell was broken; then gathering himself
up, he flung the tongs from him, bounded
across the lawn, and over the fence like an
antelope. When be had got to what he
reckoned cursing distance, he turned round,
shook his fists at me, and fell to work—
pouring out a torrent of imprecations—
shouting, screeching, and tossing his arms
about in a manner fearful to behold.
There is this peculiarity about the abuse
of an Oriental, that, beyond wishing the ob
ject of it a liberal endowment of blisters
boils and ulcers, (no inefficient curses in a
hot country,) be does not allude to him per
sonally; but directs the main burden of his
wrath against his female relatives—from
his grandmother to his grand-danghter,—
wives, daughters, sisters, aunts, and grand
aunts, inclusive. These he imprecates indi
vidually and collectively through every
clause of a prescribed formulary, which has
been handed down by his ancestors, and
which in searchingness of detail and com
prehensiveness of malediction, loaves small
scope for additions or improvements.
Leaving me, then, to rot and wither from
the face of the earth, and consigning all my
female kindred to utter and inevitable death
and destruction, ho walked off to a neigh-
boring village to give rent to his feelings
and compose his ruffled dignity.
It so happened, that a short time after
the fuqueer had gone I incautiously held
my head, while watching the result of some
experiments, over a dish of fuming acid, and
consequently became so ill as to be obliged
to retire to my bedroom and lie down. In
about an hour, I called to my bearer to fetch
me a glass of water; but, although I heard
him and some of the other servants whisper.
ing together behind the purda, or door cur
tain, no attention was paid to my summons.
After repeating the call two or three times
with the same result, I got up to see what
was the matter. On drawing aside the purda,
I beheld the whole establishment seated in
full conclave on their haunches round the
door. On seeing me, they all got up and
took to their heels, like a covey of frightened
partridges. The old kidmudgar was too fat
to run far; so I seized him just as he was
making his exit by a gap in the garden
fence. He was, at first, quite incapable of
giving any account of himself; so I made
him sit a minute among the long grass to
recover his wind, when he broke out with
"OM re-hab—re-habf"and began to blubber,
as only a fat kidmudgar can, imploring me
to send instantly for the fuqueer, and make
Mm a present; if I did not, I would cer
tainly be a dead man before to-morrow's
sun; "for," said he, "a faqueer's curse is
good as kismut-ke-bat," (a matter of fate.)
Some • of his fellows now seeing that the
murder was out, ventured to come back,
and joined in requesting me to save my life
while there was yet time.
A laugh was the only answer I vuld
make. This somewhat re-assured them, but
it was easy to see that I was regarded by
all as a doomed man. It was to no purpose
that I told them I was now quite well, and
endeavored to explain the cause of my sick
ness. They would have it that I was in a
dying state, and that my only salvation lay
in sending off a messenger with a kid and a
bag of rupees to the fuqueer. The durdzee
(tailor) who had just come from the village
where the fuqueer had taken refuge, told
me, that as soon as the fuqueer heard that
I was ill, he performed ape. seed of a most
imposing character, shouting and threat
ening to curse everybody in the village as
he had cursed me and mine. The conse
quence was that pice, cowries, rice and ghee
were showered upon him with overwhelm
ing liberality.
Without saying a word, I armed myself
with a horsewhip, set out for the village,
and found the fuqueer surrounded by a.dense
crowd of men and women, to whom he
was jabbering with a tremendous volubility;
telling them how he had withered me up
root and branch, and expressing a hope
that I would serve as a lesson to the other
children of Sheitan !he ventured to take
Liberties with alle3eer. The crowd hid
me from him'tillbroke in upon his dreams
with a slighMeiy) s i of my whip across his
shmilders. His, 6ye's nearly leaped out of
their sockets when ho turned round and
saw n.e. Another intimation from my thong
sent him off with a yell, leaving the rich
spoil he had collected from the simple villa
gers behindz What became of hiin I cannot
tell. I heafl no more of him.
A few such adventures as these would
tend to lessen the gross, and, to them, ex
pensive superstitions under which the natives
of India at present labor.
LADIES, DON'T READ THIS,
A "disbanded voluntair," stopping a few
days at "Sent Nicholas Hotel," New York,
writes to the editor of the Sunday Times
concerning "the present fashions of the "wim
men," as follows:
When I foot it throo Broadway, or take a
'buss up that interesting bullward, I allus
thank Providence that, when I writ to you
from California for a helpmeet, you did
ent fulfill the order. Ide sooner marry a
dry goods winder, a jewelry store and coop
ering establisment, than ono of them mix
tures of 'figured satin, dimind rings, and
whalebone, you call a fashionable belle.—
Somewhere in every circumference of silk,
velvet and cetery, that rigglos along Broad
way, than allus a women, I spose, but how
much of the holler is filled with meat, and
how much is gammon, the sneer spectatur
ken never no. A poor feller marries at
site, and finds, when it kums to the pint,
that he has nnthen in his arms but a regu
lar anatomy. Ef men is "gay decevers,"
wot's to be said of a female that dresses for
a hundred and forty weight, but haint real
ly as much fat on her as would grease a
griddle—all the appairunt plumpness is only
cotton and whalebone.
I'm told that hoops is beginning to be
wade with jinta so that at theatures and
concerts, a fashionable lady ben shet up her
alerts like a parresol, and give the crowd a
chance. This will be a partikler blessin to
the mail race, epeshly in stages. Ef all the
world was actilly a stage, as has been fair
lusty asserted, it wouldn't more'n accommy
date all the fashionable wimmen in thur
present babillyments. The refer sect would
her to take a deck passage on the ref of the
vehikel.
sgrAn honest Dutchman, in training up
his son in the way he should go, frequently
exercised him in Bible lessons. On one of
these occasions ho asked him:
"Who vas dat would no sleep mit Botti
pher's vife?"
"Sbosephl"
"Dat's a good boy. Yell vat vas de rea
son he would no sleep mit her?"
"Don't know! *pose be wasn't sleepy."
$1,50 PER YEAR IN ADVANCE; $2,00 IF NOT IN ADVANCE
WESTWARD HO !
An individual, who made a trip out west,
and staid long enough t.) "see the elephant,"
thus answers several questions which have
been propounded to him since his re
turn, in regard to Western emigration.
Asa large number are about to leave this
country for Kansan, Nebraska, and other
hunting grounds, we are anxious to give
them the benefit of the information, so that
they may be "posted up" on the subject.
An aguo stricken hyPochondriae who has
been on a trip out this way, thus answers
some questions in a letter to the Saturday
Evening Post.
The question comes from Cambridgeport,
Mass., and reads as follows: "Which is the
best time for going Nest, Spring or Au
tumn?'
"The best time for going west, is when
you have the moot money about you, and
the least fear of losing it. If you come in
the Spring, you are sure to shake yourself
to death beffire:Fall. If you come in the
Fall you livan til Spring, if you don't freeze
to death before you get there. If you come
at all, yon had better get your stomach lined
with water proof cement, so as to be able
to digest corn lbread, bacon and whiskey; for
this is all vrikha;ve tocat, except a few French
frogs and'bilious looking tadpoles, which we
catch when WC - river runs down.
Second question—" What part of the West
is the best to-emigrate to, taking into con
sideration the healthiness.of the climate?"
"A variety of opinions about that, my
dear fellow. 0 Senator, Mr. Douglas,
says Nebraska is e best. So 'it is, if you
want to go into the stock business, raising
an unruly kind of mixed cattle, that will
s t r ay off to Canada, in spite of the compro
mise of .3850 or 1856, or Senator Douglas.—
Or, if you want to speculate on papooses,
white scalps, or gat your own scalps taken
off scientifically, go to Nebraska by all
means. If you want to play poker for a
living, and set up whiskey drinking for a
business, live on corn bread and 'mon
weekdays, and slippery elm bark on Sun
day, come to Illinois. If you want to go
where they have no Sundays, nor anything
to eat, only what they brought from the
east, go to lowa, or if you want to grass on
all fours, and do as other kinds of cattle do,
go to Salt Lake. If you want to go where they
receive the mail annually, where they live
on cranberries crumbled in water from the
Mississippi river, where three wigwams
make a city, and a paper of pins and a bar
of Yankee soap make a merchant, go to Min
nesota."
Third question—" Does the fever and ague
prevail ranch in Wisconsin?"
"Of course it does. Nobody out west is
fool enough to ask that question. Every
body shakes, even the trees shake; you can't
coat a plum to stay on till it is good for
anything. It will shako a man out of bed,
kick him out of doors,. and shake the bed
stead at him till heel:rots' it np."
Fourth question—" Flow long does a pre
emption claim last?"
"That depends on circumstances. If you
have a good rifle, and know how to use it,
you have a chance to ten that you live till
you starve to death. But if you can't stand
fire, and are not a good shot and a quick
one, take my word for it, you had better
stay in Jericho until your beard bo grown;
for they are all too smart fur you In these
woods."
Fifth question—"ls the land to be had in
the northwest part of Ohio far $1.25 per
acre, and is it good?"
"That's all fudge, got up by some specu
lators to gull some greenhorns like you and
me, for to the best of my knowledge and be
lief, Ohio was worn out ten years ago. The
whole business of railroads in warm weather
is to carry back persons who have been
fools enough to go west. All the railroads
are doing this winter, is carrying dirt into
Ohio out of Michigan, to raise a few beans
and oats to keep the folks. from starving
next summer.
As to land in the northwest of Ohio, it is
eighteen inches under water the most of the
year, and will probably bOr worth $1,25 per
acre, when water snakes and copper heads
bring as much per barrel in New York
market as potatoes are worth per bushel in
Altoona."
And lastly, "he wants reliable informa
tion—a short article in your paper relating
to subjects—and he wants to go to a heal
thy location, decent land, and fair water."
"Exactly. Why, dear sir, there is no
such a thing as reliable information out
West, unless yon pay for it. A lawyer
won't tell the truth, miles/ you give him
$5OO, and then you can't believe half he
says.
A. witness won't tell the truth in court
unless you first scar) him to death, and
make him swear he won't lie, and neither
himself nor anybody else, knows whether ho
tells the truth or not.
On the whole, if you feel obliged for your
short article, so do I. If you want to go to
a healthy country, stay at home, and don't
be a fool like myself, and come out West.
As for decent land, my dear fellows,
what do you mean? You must know that
oar wild prairie is very indecent, especially
when it is burnt over and left as naked as
when it was born. 'Tis true, nature weaves
a sort of fig leaf apron every summer oat of
a coarse kind of grass, but it soon gets
burnt off, and is as indecent as ever.
As for fhir water, we have none; it is all
bilious; composed of liquid mud, dead buf
faloes, fish, and rotten rattlesnakes.
[WHOLE NUMBER, 1,374.
Our common drink, when we can't get
whiskey, is; one third prairie mud and to
bacco juice. .
"Upon the whole, if you have good water
and can get enough to eat, stay where you
are. Yours truly: W."
ABOUT THOSE BOOTS.
"'Mho dares this pair of boots displace,
Mast meet Bombastes face to face."
Recalling an old laugh the other day, and.
trying to remember what caused it, we be
thought ourselves of an adventure that poor
B— (now dead) was very fond of relating
in years past. It occurred on board the
"Lexington," on her journey from New
York to Providence. The hero was a Ver
mont lad of twenty-five, sharp enough in a
horse-trade, but verdant in everything else,
who had just sold a string of nags in New
York, and was working round borne via
Providence and Boston. He "turned in"
pretty early, and "turned out" about sun
rise the next morning, with the idea of
"going up stairs," as he called it. Soon af
ter ho had put on his coat and hat, the pas
sengers were astonished by a hideous outcry
from "Vermont."
"What's the matter?" said a quizzical
looking gentleman in green glasses.
"Matter?—matter enough; I reckon!" said
the Yankee. "Here's some onrighteous in
dividual has gone and stole my bran new
cowhide butes, cost me twenty-two York
shillings, and left me these 'ere old slippers,
made out o' yeller dog-skin not worth a
darn!"
"Hush!" said the man with green glasses;
don't speak so loud. It's a common occur
rence on board this boat. Some of the nig
gers must have done it. Did you ever
notice that all the steamboat niggers go well
shod?"
"Wall, I have, old hoes! and that accounts
for it, hey? Speak! speak out! It does ac
count for it, hey?"
"Hush! yes it does."
"Wall, I'll holler cap'n, and get the boat
stopped till I find my butes—cost twenty
two shillings in York—l will, by gravy."
"No, no; don't make a row. If you do,
the thief will throw them overboard: No,
no! you watch the nigger's, and when you
find the delinquent, take Lim to the cap
tain's office, and there make him settle."
settle himl I ain't a goin' to throw
away a pair of twenty-two shillin'. butes, no
how you kin pile it up."
It afforded much amusement to the man
in green glasses and his cronies, to see the
Yankee shuffling about the cabin in yellow
slippers, dodging every darkey and examin -
ing their feet. After a weary search he
came to his tormentor, and said:—
"I'm goin' up stairs to pirate around
there, and see if I kin trail 'era."
So up he went, and the cabin passengers
could hear hie heavy tread and scuff of his
slippers all over the deck. By and by be
came down again, just as a shiny African,
with a pair of polished boots in his hands,
went towards 93, (the Yankee's berth.) - -
Just as he was drawing the curtain- to peep
in, Vermont lit on him like a fierce cat,
seizing him by the scuff of the neck, and
yelling:—
"I've eoielled you, you double-distilled
essence of Day and Martin boiled down to
the spirit of darkness, and mixed up with
the hypersulrhate of rascality! After my
wallet, was you? Como along with met"
"Lemma go!" said the - indignant darkey,
struggling to get free from the iron grasp of
his antagonist.
"Not as you knows on, you rambunctious
old wool grower?" said the indignant Yen.
kee. "I've handled severer colts than you
be." And be dragged the terrified black
up the cabin stairs, followed at a safe dis
tance by the gentleman in green glasses
and his companions.
Bringing the culprit before the captain,
he told his story, and agreed to abide his
decision. Of course an explanation followed,
with a verdict for the defendant, and the
plaintiff sentenced to pay nine pence to the
injured African.
"Sold, by maple!" said Vermont. "Here,
nigger, here's a quarter, and give me the
butes; but if I kin ketch that ere man in the
green goggles, you may pickle me if I don't
heave him into the Sound."
It is needless to say, that while the boots
were only half on, the gentleman with
green glasses disappeared, and was the first
man to make himself scarce when the boat
touched the wharf at Providence.
/ATTU Jays' EseausarioN.—"jamer.
come up bore. How is New Jersey bound
ed?"
"Bound all over by the Camden and Am
boy Railroad, sir."
"What are its natural products?"
"Sham banks, sand banks, fish nets and
three cent lightning."
"What is a railroad. director?"
"A practical undertaker."
"What is his business?"
"To put forayer at an end the business of
passengers."
"How many directors are necessary to
the prompt conduction of the affairs of a
railroad?"
"Well, there is generally one to every
mile, but it requires more than one to n col-
lision."
"What is meant by the term 'switching
of?"
"Why, taking a short cut to a madam de-
raise."
"Good boy. You'll be Primaideut scum
day."