V[olunteer
„, BL iaHBD EVERY THURSDAY MORNING
Jolm B. Bratton.
OOJOE-SOVTB MARKET SQ Uj
, -Two dCUnrs per year If paW strloUy
TWO Doiwra and Fifty Cents If
" Jluhln three months, after which Three
»*? Z ~!n be charged. Thesi terms wUI he
30 'f” Jeered to In every Instance. NosnV
* discontinued until all arrearages are
at the option of the Editor.
laical
Or_A OOEONER.
A OItASTI.Y HAI.I.M).
Inn Bowers was a coroner.
Of Whom the scollors said
° VVe the horrid cannibal.,
iro mu'! o Ilifl dally broad
” “ho bodies of his feUows,
Unnaturally dead.
night and hy day this coroner
Was always prowling -round
~subjects,” suddenly played out,
stabbed, poisoned, shot or drowned ;
*nd where the carcass was. there Joe.
j Would speedily ho found.
joe had a buzzard’s Instinct,
Aud’a hyena’s scent; ,
jinny one passed On his cheeks;
joe for the body went;
jnd corpses seldom got away
To any great extent.
inJceJ, Joo got so zealous
He couldn’t bear to wait;
jj ; t ( wltli the sick bo left bis card.
As If to intimate
Tie folly of tnolr struggle with.
I inexorable fate.
Whether ’twos Joseph’s enterprise
That made grlrmJDoatb fight shy,
Or vile perversity Induced
The people not to die
There came a time when corpses ran
' purllculwly dry 1
Then bodies were blit rarely “ viewed, 1 ”
h postmortems” fellaway,
Tm •• coroner’s accounts” appeared
A beggarly, array,
And Joseph transiently succumbed
To borrow and dismay. .
! 1 But soon he roused his drooping orest,^
<) And cried, ** Away with woo,!
'Ha I Am I not a coroner
: And used to play it lowT
[’■ Shall my accounts be ‘out’ like this
i'j To naught? No 1 Not for Joe 1”
h He hied to a tobacconist,
| Full ruthlessly, I ween,
I' And bought some snuff, and mixed therewith
p Some nitroglycerine;
E- Tboii fared forth with the compound
I And a diabolic grin I
Uo met one of his neighbors,
A man whose name was Lynch,
With most capacious nostrils—
Three-quarters by one inch—
And ashed him quit© politely,
To tahe a social pinch I
Into his unsuspecting nose,
A plenteous pinch Lynch drew—
Soon felt the grateful stlmulous,
And simply said “ Ca-ohool”
Vo Gods 1 His shattered head into
A thousand fragments flow 1
From that day at a fearful rate
The cases multiplied, >
joe snuffed them out so rapidly
The town was terrified;
And Joseph held the inquest
On every one that died I
You may sneeze at this plain story,
jjiit those who sneezed ait Joe
i Were apt to have a violent
Attack of vertigo. -
}That coroners are up to snuff
Is all wish to shpw I
PiattflaneOHS.
TIMMS' BXRATXiOT.
A STORY OP CALIFORNIA LIFE,
* Mapes was chivalrous by nature; he
believed in ‘ seeking the bubble reputa
tion, even in the cannon’s mou.h. His
enthusiasm was aroused by the recital
of stories of deeds of desperate daring,
while he had nothing but contempt for
even success won by crooked
rect means. Timms, orcthe contrary,
beleived their was polHtf in war, and
that the end justified the means, par
ticularly if the end was attained. Com
. panions from infancy, their lives had
been spent in competition for scholastic
and such other honors as the locality
afforded, without even a momentary
break in their friendship. But now. ln
early manhood, they struggled for the
prize of incalculable value, with an ar
dor that threatened a complete rupture
of friendly relations. The heart and
hand of Eliza Reed, the neighborhood
belle, were to be. won; and to these
none others might aspire, in the feet of
such formidable competlon as that of
Mapes and Timms. They
bv virtue of his own personality and
position-had a right to lay siege to the
heart of that valuable, irritable, impe
rious beauty, and for months the strife
between them had gone on. Each one
had called into play all his personal
and social resources; for the
. ety had taken «uch an interest that it
was divided into two factions, known
as* the Mapesites and the Timmsites.
I And yet Miss Eliza could not be
I brought to express a preference. If a
1 rode with one to day, she was carefulß.
walk abroad with the rival to-morrow.
I Coquettry is delicious to womap; and
I Eliza would not have been feminine
I had she been in haste to have naade mi
: election. Nevertheless, she did not in
tend to miss her opportunity. She
knew well the war could not always
last, and. feared that whenoneofthe
aspirants for her favor withdrew from
Z contest, the love oftheoth-*, want-
Ing the stimulus of eompetition would
crow cold; hence she had made up her
mind, that,. upon the first "bfe op
portunity, she would signify to Mapes
that his suit, so often pressed was at
last accepted. The opportumty it
seemed, was not to be long^
for invitations were given out for an
apple-bee in the neighborhood, and
I Eliza found means to convey an inti
mation to Mapes, that she ejected to
meet him there,, and counted on his
escort home at the conclusion of the
appointed evening looked for
with such nervous antiolpatlon^by
“'Si u. m. »d
was comn OTo „ re3 3ed it commenced
r OS jJ very un
-8 vuntil he reached the centre,
u l t hia u ttet confusion, it gave
Wh t a he was launched into the wa
way, and hoWM suddenly
tot - luminous with that
. the night be people refer when
lurid light to W of profane
Wtll all was blue.’
lurid light possessed, It had no ary g
the:
ones, 'and Mapes , was forced to bid |
adieu for the night to all hopes of
plighting his troth to the loved Eliza.
In the rural districts Down East, In
early itimes, the good people had such
habits of industry, and rigid economy
that they seldom gaye, or attended par
ties, unless such as, were cloaked under
the names of raisings, quiltings, husk
ings, or apple-bees; thus the apple-bee,
frought with momentous consequences
to Mapes and Timms, was but a social
party in disquise—a few apples being
pared, quartered, cored and strung in
the early evening for appearance sake.
As Usual, Eliza Keed was the belle of
the occasion. Good looks, entire self
possession,' and a .keen; satirical wit al
ways assured her that position.; and
this night she shone with unusual brll-
liancy, until, as the hours wore away,
and Mapes came hot, she began to lose
herself In pondering why, and at length
she asked Timms:
‘ Is your friend Mapes ailing ?’
‘ I guess not,’ replied Timms ; 1 saw
him to day. He wasn’t complaining.’
‘ He denies himself much pleasure,’
said Eliza, ‘in not coming here to
night, for this is the place whore we al
ways have a good time. Aunt Judy
knows how to give an apple-bee.’
.‘You let Mapes alone,’ answered
Timms ; ‘he knows what he is about.’
‘ What do you mean?’ asked Eliza.
‘ Oh,' I mean,’ replied Timms,’ ‘ that
Mapes is the prince of goodfellows, and
gets invitations where the rest of ns
don’t.
‘Where is Mapes to-night?’ asked
Eliza, now fully aroused.
‘ I don’t know for sure,’ answered
Timms. ‘He told me to-pay there
were special reasons for his coming
here, but that he had an invitation to
the rich and aristocratic Squire Hun
toon’s, who is celebratinghis daughter’s
birthday, and that he didn’t know
which way he would go;’ and Timms
turned away to talk to the next pretti
est girl in the room. , •
Petted young women are seldom log
ical or patient. When the party broke
up Eliza accepted Timms’ escort to her
home, and before they arrived there,
she had consented to become, with the
least possible delay, Mrs. Timms; The
next morning the engagement was an
nounced, and preparations for'the wed
ding commenced. Timms was exult
ant-happy Timms!
For a few days Timms was not much
seen in public-perhaps for want of
courage to wear his blushing honors
openly. perhaps for want of courage to
meet other contingencies—who knows?
But a mas can not make arrangements
for his own wedding from a fixed stand
point, and he was compelled to venture
out. In a quiet and secluded by-way
he met Mapes. The meeting to him
was a surprise,; he smiled feebly, and
on. business,' strode squarely up *0
Timms and planted a vigorous blow on
one of his eyes, which, caused that ge
tleraah to measure his length in tim
dust. Timms sprang to his feet, an
showed fight; but another blow on the
other eye sent him again to grass,
1 where he continued to lie.
‘ Get up,’ said Mapes. ,
. You’ll knock me down again, said
Timms. - ... ,
• Yes,’ returned Mapes, I will. _
Then I won’t get up,’ MidTimms.
You’re an infernal scoundrel,
can’t help your saying so,’ an
swered Timms.
t You sawed the log,* said Mape .
« what log V asked Timms.
‘You sawed the log,’ repeated Mapes,
advancing a step.
* Yes —stop,’ said Timms ;
the log.’ ■. , ...
‘Well, you need not think, said
Mapes, ‘that after your marriage you re
going to tell that story, and make me a
la ‘!lu Dg neTer k 'speak of it,’ whined
“haps you won’t.’ said Mapes;
‘ but I’m going to swear you before I
through. There’s another thing ,
you won the woman by your trickery,
Ld 1 know it is in you to abuse her,
so I’m going to swear you to treat her
kindly.’
* I*ll swear,* said Timms.
. Hold up your hand,’ said Mapes.
Timms held up his hand.
‘ Now, repeat after me: .
Timms, solemnly swear that I wiU
never bring to the knowledge of any
creek and lost a wife; and, fu r ™°
that I will, She consenting, marry -tiliza
Bced.Ld always treat her kindly; SO
help me God.’
Timms repeated the oath ' verba to.
‘Now get up and go home.’ said
Mapes ‘ I don’t think you’ll be mar
ried till your eyes get over mourning,
and by that time I’ll be far enough
away. But don’t think I’ll-lose Sight
of you; awl if you don’t -keep your
oath you’ll see me.’ '
Timms arose from the ground, shook
dust and walked away; i> u «
Lien he had secured a safe distance, ho
shouted back exultingly:
‘ Mapes, she’s an angel.
tn twenty years Daniel Mapes had
mirror, and l j for BCOW I,
We I L e ?or a mUe It echoea our sobs
Hrrs«*srsa
peace. A fair w father.-,
baud, and cm o , arft
SSSRISIS?-
wild in the counties of Monterey and
San Lpuis Obispo.
Qnce in each year the cattle that
graze On California’s thousand hills are
gathered in bands at convenient places,
to be 'Claimed and branded by their
ownerp—such assemblages being called
rodoesi Mapes had been down across
the Salina Plains, in attendance upon
a rodeo; and, being on his return, jog
ging along on his 'mustang, he saw, far
in the distance, but nearing him, an
equally lone traveler. Slowly the dis
tance between them decreased; and .as
they approached,- Mapes—with Califor
nia prudence—slipped his revolver up
on the belt which sustained it, from his
back, round to his leftside, fringing the.
hilt under the shadow of his bridle
arm, and within easy reach of his right
band.’ A near look assured Mapes that |
he had no occasion for weapons; the
coming man was of middle age, but his
look was. worn, weary, dejected, and
hopeless—in local phrase, his manner
was that of a person who had ‘lost his
grip and those who have met with
that terrible misfortune are hever high
way-robbers, ‘ grip’ being the very
quality wanted in that hazardous p ur
suit. .
The travelers met, ,\yith a long, in
quiring gaze, when from their lips sim
ultaneously burst the words, ‘Mapes’—
‘Timtas.’ After a moment of mute
surprise, Majies, spurring his mustang
drew nearer Timms.
■ tgo we meet at last. X hav6 been
wanting to see you this many .ayear.’
The movement seemed ominous to
Timms and he cried out: * Don’t, don’t
shoot I I haye no weapons! Besides,;!
have kept my oath—at least, as well as
I could. I never told the reason why
you didn’t attend the apple-bee,. nor
ever breathed a syllable about, the saw
ed log—upon my solemn oath.i ~
‘ I wasn’t thinking of the ducking,’
said Mapes. ■"
•Don’t come any neater,’ returned
Timms. ‘X have always tried to use 1
that woman well; but she wonldn t be
used well. I have done my best to
treat her kindly; but she wouldn’t be
treated kindly.’
• It’s no use to go over the grounds to
me, Timms.’ ,
‘ But,’ replied Timms, 1 you have no
idea what that woman is;. you would
not blame me if you only. knew. She’s
browbeat me till I ain’t half a man.’ .
1 So I see,’said Mapes.
• No, you don’t see,’ replied Timms.,
* You don’t see half. Look at this scarj
fairing off his hat, and showing a long
seam on his scalp; ‘ that was done with
the skillet.’
• You have suffered,’ said Mapes.
1 Suffered 1’ returned Timms. ‘ You
ougift to have sworn her, too. If you
only knew how I have thought of you,
and ipf my oath to you; and how I have
K,ipnA Mrtira. And-,lr£enfc uuiet —how-I
have been called^
and i kept silent, how I have endured
taurits and sneers, hunger and discom
fort; without a word of reproach you
would forgive me ; you wouldn t h
bor thoughts of revenge.’ .
‘Thoughts of revenge!’ answered
Mapes. ‘ Let us dismount, and have a
settlement ;■ for I see my chance has
Co^Mape^ B wouldyoutake the life ofan
unarmed man?’ __
‘ Timms, you’re crazy! Let me ex
plain. I have no wrongs to avenge.
It Isn’t for vengeance that I have want
ed to see you. I have heard about you
often, know ail your life an '® xp o ” t
ces ; and I have only wanted to meet
you, to offer you. a home and friendship
employment and opportunities for
prosperity, here in C a liforni a .X o we
you no debt but . one of gratitude, for
the inestimable service you did me by
that little job of carpentry “““
that I mean to pay. Co “°
He took Timms’ horse by: the bridle,
turned him about without remonstrance
and they traveled on in silence.
After awhile, Timms raised his eyes
Imldly from tile ground, and said:
• Mapes, she’s the devil 1’ ■
Overland Monthly ■ ’ ■
‘ I sawed
How to Got Along.
Do not stop to tell stone? in business
h °Xf 9 you have a place of business, be.
found there when wanted. ,
No man can get rich by sitting
around stores and saloons. ~ ■ -
Never “ fool” in business matters.
! Have order, system, regularity, and
P Z P not meddle with business you
k Z"^ wor(lB - dpor -
S °Do l every stone in the-^Hn
More miles can be made in a day y
going steadily on than stopping. -
of'honor respects h is word as
he does his bond.
' Solr^oncan.butn^
give what you cannot afford to, simp y
because it is fashionable.
because „ No necessity of
snapping It out dog-fashion, bat say »■
tt. **;
te Use your own brains rather than
■“SSfStt* and act for yourself.
Keef aheak rather than behind the
times- t nd if there
Young men, cut this out,
be folly in the argument, let us Kn
r3s?==i«:-=f
•assssr—
A „„ mu. f i.i
" j "*-' to- ~U.““
In her hair.
A BTBANGE STOST OF OOKHDENOE
AND TEEAOKBEY.
, Wc came accidentally la, .the posses
sion o romance In real Ilfs that,la so
unparalleled, that if the faqta were not well
authenticated they would scarcely be be
lieved! Tlio story .'was told Dsd “ rl ?S a
little-Cupper at the Washington Club by
a gentleman in possession of all the doc
uments; nooessary to sustain every she,
gallon’of [fact." ,1 . ■
Sonjelslx years since a youpg law stu
dent df this city fell in love with and
courted a lovely girl, who soon returned
his love, and the two became engaged to
be married. bPUe young gentleman was
poor, however, and not yet admitted to
bis profession, so that marrying for the
time seemed out of the question. He was
madly in love, however, and fearing that
before ho could secure a sufficient compe
tence,to justify marrying, he would lose
the object of his affections, he pled with
her to have a secret marriage, and prom
ised that Immediately after the ceremony |
she should return to her home, and ho
would, as usual, go to his bachelor quar
ters'. After much persuasion, the con
sented, and the two were united in wed
lock at the church of St. John, in George
town by the Key. Mr. Tillnghast, Upon
the-r of June, 1868. ■ '
Th? young man for a while was true to
his promise, but he soon became as Im
portunate for the possession of her person
as he had been for the secret marriage.
Of ooiuree she yielded; but they kept their
secrets, and as progress in the law, was
very slow, she, at his suggestion, brought
an influence to bear upon the adminis
tration that resulted in an appointment
to a Western Territory. Her social poai-.
tion and connections were sufficient to
control the appointment, and she had.
money enough to provide bimwith. au,
outfit. . < .' ■ .
The young man departed, and maee
quite a. successful,career' for himself in
his neW field of operations, and writing
regularly and returning "at intervals, he
assured her of his heartfelt affection and
earnest endeavors to procure a home suit
,ed to her. This sort of thing continued
for fbut years, when she was telegraphed |
to meet him at Cincinnati. She hastened
■to ebay, and arriving at .the last named
place, found her huabau4 ; in a great state
of excitement.. He told her that he had
got involved in moneyed. transactions,
and the choice was presented to him of
either marrylng a rich woman," who lov
ed him to distraction, or being sentenced
to the penitentiary, and that he had mar
ried) and was now in- her. power. She
could punish him for his dastardly con
duct, and if she- djd that he could not
, complain;: he added, however,, that he
had; parted from the woman at the door
of the church, that he did not love her,
and> could not love her, and" could not
love any one but his,lawful wife. ,
Appealed to in this manner, she could
only ask him what could be done, that
she iwas ready and willing to shield him
to the last.. He then suggested a divorce
To this she consented, and the two wen
ded, their way to the great commercial
center, where he found p divorce lawyer
andiin three days a divorce was procured
upob testimony manufactured between
the husband and the shyster, of the most
extraordinary character. One man, for
oxamulv. by the name of—, swore
thTbe had known the plaintiff and her
husband for years in Uowningavllle. Pa.,
a place the poor woman had never seen.
Another witness, calling himself ,
swore that the parties wore bona fide res
idents'of New York, and that he had
frequently accompanied the defendant in
nightly visits to houses of 111-fame ; that
on one occasion he had waited at such a
i place for defendant until tired, and then
went to the room, knocked at the door
and being to told to come in ; fou “ d th *
defendant putting on his clothes with a
nrostltute undressed'in the foom.
P Upon- this showing the divorce was
granted, and the decree winds up as fol
lows : ... i,-.
“That the marriage between the said
nlaintiff. —S and the said defendant,
be dissolved, and their said mar
rlage is hereby dissolved accordingly. .
And the said parlies are and -each, of
them la free from the obligations thereof.-
And further that it shall be lawful for
the said plaintiff, to marry , again Jh,the
same manner as though the defendant
was actually dead. But it shall not be
lawful for the said defendant to marry,
again until the said plaintiff be actually
dead
8. Jones, judge.
The pooi Wife returned to her home,
feeling that she had done a herolo act In
shielding. the |man she loved, ond suß
tainlng herself • with this' thought time
rolled on. until one .morning, she aWak
enied to the startling faoMhat, she had
been cruelly sacrificed. She learned that
the man to whom she had clung "was
about to marry a fashionable, lady of the
first connection in the land. Bhe made
Inquiry, and found, to her .sickening dlsr,
gust, that the day was actually set upon
which this Infamous outrage, was to be
perpetrated. She hastened to New Yo|k ,
and procured a certified copy of the do-,
oree, Intending to appear at the church ;
on the day of the mock marriage, and I,
forbid the bans by presenting a copy of I
the legal document that showed th ,
though separated from
authorized to marry another. Cnfortu
nately, through circumstances overT-Wfl,
ehe had no control,, she arrived too late.
The cruel not had been accomplished.-
A grand weddl ng; graced by the presence l
of members of the Cabinet and opr most
arlstooratlb people,.had occurred and the
papers were full of, glowing acooupU.o
the magnificent ceremony. Our readers
will recollect the'event, and they will
have occasion to recur' to- It again, as le
gal steps art) bei'n g taken by.the, betrpyed
wife’s friends to, bring thiswrong-door to
punishment- The wife, Is now satisfied
that the whole story of the second, mar
riage was fabricated to deceive her, and
she is, of course, very Indignant. In ad
dition to .this we, learn that ttyls ,gay
Lothario paid his court last winter to
one of our moat beautiful and accom
plished belles, whose appearance in soci
ety always created a flutter among the
gentlemen who flocked, to her side to
bask in the sunshine, of her smiles and
to enjoy the brilliancy of her 'oonversa
tlon. It was supposed that the gentle
man 'as he then appeared to be, and
this fascinating lady, whose family Is one
of the oldest and moat exclusive In the
i “Enter,
oountry.engigecl, but it aeoma that while
aho enjoyed' his conversational powers
she discouraged any tender emotions and
thus savpd herself from occupying the
nnpleassnt position which the last tnen
tloned irlde now holds'. In a few days
the fas'ilohable circles of 3 Washington
and actrtaln lady of the Cabinet will all
,bo at Bdi ln a high state of astonishment,
and exotoment, and a oertain Territorial
i official, now candidate for Governor, will
be brdufht np with a round turn.—Chpi-
Going a Having.
The fallowing is an • order for sup
plies,’ recently sent to an 1 Americas
(Qa.) grocer by a fishing excursion par
ty: ' 1 . ' " ” ,
Dear Sir— Myself and a couple of
friends leave this morning on a fishing
excursiln, and you will please send us
by bearir; the following articles, which
1 if you prefer it you can charge to either
Jacjc Briwn or ben Locket. Either is
the safest: ' ~ , r
I Four pounds of salt and a small cask
I of whisky.
One /pounl of ground black pepper
I and a demijthn of whisky.
Ten poumh oflard and a largo jug of
I whisky.' 1 ■ . .
I One canvassed ham and six quart
bottles of whisky. '
I Three good stout fishing lines and
three pocket flasks of whisky.
I Ode paper of large Limerick hooks,
I andia gallon of whisky in any old ves
sel you don t use about the store. •
I Also, send one pound of white sugar
1 and* small jug of whisky.
Hurriedly, yours,
. ' Pirn-. Cook.
Pi B.—As we shall be'gone several
days, and as snakes are bad on the river
at this season, my pbisician has just
stepped in and suggested that We better
take a little whisky. Send it,-enter it
on your books with other iternsjabove.
. Toasts and Sentiments.
May tho honest heart never know
distress.
■ May we,be slaves to nothing hut our
May care be a stranger where virtue
resides, , .
May hemp bjnd those when honor
cannot. ...
May our prudence secure 'us friends,
but enable, us to live without assislt
ance. . : , .
; May sentiment never be sacrificed by
the tongue of deceit.
May our happiness be sincere and our
joys lasting.. ... • .. ~ .
May the smiles of conjugal felicity
compensate the frowns of fortune.
May the tear of sensibijity never
cease to flow-,
MAV.tha.road to preferment be founii
t* s May avarice it.
nevoloncofind it. .
■ 'May the liberal hand have free access
to the purse of plenty;. _
May the impulse of generosity never
be checked by the power of necessity.
Mhy we ever, keep the whip-hand.pf
our enemies. *
' May we always forget when we for
give an injury.
May we learn to be frugal when we
are obliged to be so;
May we treat our friends with kind
ness kid our enemies with generosity.
May reason be the pilot when passion
blows the gale.
Didn’t Like Mutton.—A good
story is told of the recent excellent per
romance of Handel’s “ Messiah” at
the Broadway Baptist Church. Afa
met took his wife to hear the grand
music so splendidly rendered on that
I occasion, and, after. .listening, with ap
parent . enjoyment, the pair became
suddenly interested in one of the grand
choruses: “Weall, like sheep, have
gone astray.” ' ,
First a sharp soprano voice exclaim
ed, “ We all, like sheep-r”
I■. Next a deep bass voice uttered in the
1 most earnest'tones.
“We all, like sheep—” ' . .
I Then all the singers at once asserted.
1 “We all, like sheep—” ' ,
“Darn’d if I do 1” exclaimed old
1 rusticus to his partner. “ I like beef
I and!.bacon, but X can’t bear sheep
I meat I” i#i ' '
I There was *an audible titter in fc a
I 'vicinity but the splendid music attrac-
I ted attention from the pair, and they
1 quietly slipped out.’ ■
' ■ Some years ago a Lazy Mari’s Society
was dfijablzed iri London, and one o
the articles required that no man b -
loaglrig to the society should ever be in
a/riurry. If ho violated this article he
itfas to starid treat to the members.—
Now It happened- on a time that a
member, a doctor, was seori driving
post-haste through the streets to visit a
phtierit. The members of the society
I saw him, and chuckled over the idea
.or a treat, and on his return reminded
him of his fast driving and violation of
the rules. “Not at all,” said the doc
tor, resolved not to be dpne; the
truth is, my horse was determined to
Igo and X felt too lazy to stop him.”
I They did not catch him that time.
‘ A aim. Of nineteen, was continually
manifesting her natural lively spirlbr In
.laughing “he, he, he,’’, for,which he..
Kooa mother gently reprimanded her,
haying that it was, pot nice to bo forever
uttering that masculine pronoun ■ he..
■•Pshaw,” returned the daughter with
bewitching archness, “ don’t the fellers
all'iaiigh her, her, her?” Her mamma
lud nothing to cay. .
. nvo neighbors living in Westchester
eucmty had, a’ long .and envonomedlltl
gsiloa. about a small spring, which they
toth claimed. The Judge, wearied out
with the case, at last said: “What is the
nau of' making so much fuss about a lit
tle water?” “Your Honor will see the
use of It,” replied one, of the lawyers,
u w hen I inform you that the parties are
botl} milkmen.”
The Kane and the Soldier.
• Frederick the Great.of Prussia had a
great maula for enlisting gigantic eoi
dlera lnto the Royal Guards, and paid an
enormous. bounty, to his recruiting offi
cers for getting them- Oneday the recruit
sergeant .chanced, to espy a Hibernian
who was at least seven feet.hlgh; ho, ac
costed him in English, and proposed that
ho should; enlist. The Idea of Military
and large bounty, so . delighted, Patrick,
he, Immediately, consented,, V
less you can, speak German, the king
will not give you so much.’, .. , .
"Oh. spld the Irishman, “ sure its J
that don’t know a word of German-,”
‘•‘But,” said the ; sergeant, 11 three
wofds wlli’be enough, and those Jon can
learn ih a short time. The King' knows
every man-in the Guards, As soon as ho
sees you, he will ride up and ask you
howpld you are? you will say, twenty
seven i next how long have you been in
the service? you must reply, three weeks;
Anally i If you are provided with clothes
and rations'? you answer,'both. |
Bat soon learned to pronounce his an
swers, but never dreampt of learning
questions. In.-three weeks ,he appeared
before the King In review. His majesty
rode,up to him. Paddy stepped forward
with'present arms.”
" HoW old are you ?" said the king.,
" Three weeks;” saldthe Irishman.
“How long have you been In the ser
vice?” asked hla majesty. ,
" Twenty-eevep. years,”
"Ajn;l or, you a : fool 7” roared the
king., , . '.•
“Both;” replied Patrick, who was in
stantly, taken to, the guard room, but
pardoned by the King after he under
stood the facts of the case.
The Man That Dn'i Bike Tbipb—
Liston, the. actor, delighted in peculiar
aort'of practical joking in the streets.
Walking one day with Mr. Miller, a the
atrical book-seller, ho happened to men
tion casually that he was .going to have
tripe for dinner, a dish of which he wa>
partlouMriyTdnd. -Miller who hated It,
; aald:
. “ Tripe 1 beastly stuff! How can you.
eat it?” ’ „
That was enough for Liston. . lie
stopped suddenly In the crowded thor
oughfare, in front of a house, ,apd,,hold-
ing! Miller by the arm, exclaimed In a
| lo “iwhatt sir IDo you mean to assert
that you don’t like tripe?’ . , .
Hush ! muttered. Miller, ** don’t talk so
louci; people are staring at us.’*
“il dak you sir,” continued Liston, In
still Jouder tones, *■ do you llketripe? 1
, “iFor heaven’s sake hold your tongue,
cried Miller; “You will have a .crowd
I around us.” .
I And naturally people began to stop and
I wonder what was the matter. This was
I exactly' what Liston wanted, and again
jheshoutedi ■
I “Do you mean to say you don t like
I tripe?” . ,
I Miller- making a desperate eflort, broke,
i-fonronVlollSWW’«^ r MiOH' i^^'?^lilt6tr ,
him: , .. a
“There he goes I j That’s (he, man , that
doesn’t like tripe i”- to the immense
amusement of the numerous wayfarers,
many of whom recognized the P°PU «
comedian, till, the horrified bookseller
took to his heels and ran as if for life,
pursued to his very doorstep by apaok of
young ragamuffins, who took up the
OI T, There he goes! The man that don
llketripe!” . .
.How TO Enjov LiPE.-It lB wonder
ful to what an extent people believe hap
piness depends on not being to
labor. Honest, hearty contented-labor
Is the only so'uiroe Of happiness, as well
as the only guarantee of life. The gloom
f mlsanthrophy is not only a great de
stroyer of happiness we might have,, but
iit tends to destroy life itself. Idlenea
and luxury, produce premature .decay
much faster than many trades regarded
as the most exhaustive, and fatal to lour
gevity. Labor, In genera., Instead of
, shortening the term of life, actually lm- :
Creases It. It Is the lack of occupation
that annually destroys so many of the
wealthy, who haying nothing to do, play
the part of drones, and like them make a
speedy exit, while the busy bee fills out
its day In usefulness and honor.
If to choose among all gifts and
quality that which on the whole make
Ufe pleasant; I should select the loye of
children. No circumstances can rendCr
this world wholly a solitude t6 a , one 0
who baa this, possession. It Is a free
masonry. Wherevet one goes there are
the little brethern of the mystlo tie. No
diversity of race or tongue- makes much
difference. : A smile speaks the universal
language. “If I valuemyself on any
thing, ■* Bald the lonely Hawthorn, It Is
on'having a smile that children love.
They are suclTprompt little beings, too;
they require no prelude ; hearts are won
in two minutes at that frank-period, and
8 o long as yon are true to them, they will
be.true tp you. •
A' FEW days since ono of our popular
attorneys called upon another member
of the profession', and asked °pu“
ion upon a certain point of law. T
lawyer to whom the question was ad
dressed, drew himself up and said,
“ I generally get paid for telling what
; I know.” The questioner drew a half
dollar “fractional” from his pocket*
handed it to the other, and cooly re
marked :' “T<m me all you know and
give mb the change.” There is a
coolness between the parties now.
North Carolina.— I The election In
the Old North State takes place on the
Ist of next month. The campaign open
ed immediately after the Baltimore Con
venUon, and promises to |> e .° ne ° f *
Closest and most exciting In the history
of the State. The Democrats and Liberal
Republicans, It Is believed, will carry the
State by a very decided-majority-
Do you think Jonah cried when he
was in the fish’s belly t" ■ was the ques
tion put to an oily seaman by a sleek
nuerlst. “Don’t' know,” replied Jack,
“ biit . should think not. as there was
plenty of blubber without hls’n.
The' Greeley ticket Is well received in
his section of the' State, and Its trium
phant election la considered certain.
VOL. 59.-NO T.
Initial
HORACE GREELEY.
Horace Greeley, the nominee of the
Democratic party for . the Presidency,
was born at Amherst-, N. H., February
3 18U. He la the oldest survivor of U
children. He la of Scotch, 1 Irish and
and English liueagel Hia ancestors were
farmers and generally poor. At four years
of age he could read and spell creditably,
and at five ho'was equal* in, those branch
es, to.any one.attondlng school. He be- j
gan thestudy of grammar, and mastered j
It at eight.- His school days In summer ,
ended with his: seventh and In winter
with his fourteenth year, being much In
terrupted at early periods by the necessi
ties of a life of poverty and labor. He ne
ver enjoyed the benefits of a days' teach,
log in any other than a rural common
school of from two to four months each.
When not quite ten years of age, he,
with his father and, elder brother, was
employed In" clearing land by contract
and farming upon shares. During this
time he employed his winter evenings In
reading and studying books that were
loaned to him. At fifteen he was ap
prenticed to the printing business and
served four years. In 1831 ho went to
NeW York and worked as a Journeyman..
In 1832 ho started the Daily Tribune.—
He was married In 1838 to Mary Cheney.
They have had five children, only two
of whom are living. -He Is a very Indus
trious and temperate man—using no al
coholic liquor or tobacco* Besides editing
one of the most influential newspapers In
America, he has found time to write sev
eral Important works, among which are
.“The American Conflict," '‘Hints to-,
wards Beform,” and “ What I Know
about Farming.” In 1848 he was chosen
to fill a .vacancy in : the Thirtieth Con
gress. Up to a recent date he has acted
with the Republican party, but on ac
count of the oprruptlpns of.the Grant ad- ,
ministration* hie denounced the malfea
sance of Grant In the most bitter terms,
on the 2nd of May last he was nomina
ted by tne .Liberal Republicans as. their
candidate for. President, and nis nomina
tion being very far?qrably received by the
people, and being placed on a substantial
Democratic platform, the Democracy
havd made him their nominee..,
FBATEENIZATIOir.
"The Soldiers' of the North and South to meal
in.Cfcaai.Ea-Tuiioa Convention
ia New York.
, Immediately 1 after the Convention ad
jonrned a movement was set on foot by
the Confederate Generals assembled In
Baltimore, which will have a marked
effect upon the country, North: and
South. : At the Instance of Generals Im
boden and Bradley, T. Johnson, after a
consultation with Gens. Kirkpatrick and
Blofcum of the North, It has been decided
to fcold'a grand re-unlonot Northern and I
ex4Confederate soldiers’and officers In
tha city of N ew York, duel-,.-a,issued in 1
a few days, ana the nfflowidg 80u1.a4.rn
Generals have their names attached to
the call : Generals Thos. L. Cllngman,
John B. Gordon, Fltzhugh Lee, Bradley
T. Johnston and J. T. Imboden. It is
understood that a portion of the Grand
Army of the Eepubllc wIU unite In the
demonstration, which will be one of fra
ternization between men who have
stood face to face In battle, and ate now
determined that peace and concord shall
be established in the United States un
der the guidance of a man who his other
laurels than a bloodstained sword, and
whose triumphs have been that of peace
and not of war. The ex-Confederales
now hero are enthusiastic over this re
union that they desire at once their com
rades South as well as their late enemies
North, to make immediate preparations
for this re-unlon.
OHAPEAQEA.
Social Gathering at the Country Ecaidonco
of bur Next President, ' .
Chappaqda, N. y., July 13. The
aemblago of. the. Democratic Committee
and others on the farm of Greeley to-day
was merely a social gathering. Greeley
conducted the Committee over his farm
In the forenoon, and described all Its pe
culiarities. A bountiful dinner was sery
ed at 1 o’clock, after which Greeley ad
dressed a meeting of some 500 peopje. Ho
said It was a social gathering, having no
other purpose than congregating for plea
sure. There were . friends from home,
from far and near, and he wished they
would frequently visit them at his farm.
He then described his sojourn at Chap
paqua for the last twenty years, and said
ihSt In spite of what the public at largo
might think of his farming capabilities,
he could, inform them that he,had lost
isothlng. It was.true he had spent some
money; so had he lost money, and the
latter "fiad gone where the woodbine
tvrlnotb." whereas, the money be. spent
on his farm was to some good. At au
events, he knew where It was. His pres
ent property was bought at the request ol
his wile, and ho meant to live and die
on It. Ex-Bonator Gwlnn, Judge, Regan.
of 1 Texas, and others ' made' speeches
propheyslng the election of Greeley.
•" ONE TEEM,
To show that the "one term’’ doctrine,
la, not a new, invention, we quote a few
opinions of prominent public men. The
first one is from the message of President
Grant before he caught the late re-eleo
tlbn fever: . ,
■‘The liberties of,the country cannot be
maintained without a one term amend
mentotheconstitutlon/-^^^.
“Among the principles to be adopted
by an executive sincerely' desiring to re
store the administration to its original
simplicity and purity; X deem the follow
ing of importance., First, to confine his
services to a single term.” „„„
WILLIAM HENRY HARRISON
. “Much observation and deliberate, re
flection have satisfied me that too much
of the time, the thoughts and exertions
of the' Incumbent, are occupied during
the first term in secnrto^btoryeleotlon
"l cannot too earnestly invite your at
tention to the propriety of P ro “O t . I .ojJ
such amendments to the constitution
that will render the President Ineligible
„fter one term jACKBON
[ ‘‘iiurlpg the period that I fave been
1 an observer of tne wordings of the Qov-
Hates of Advertising.
IwlfefS 400 W 'tin 'l4 00
a“ I | bo 8 00 -4w « m 2ioa 1000 no oo
8«l|00 400 600 QW guu 32 B 0
4« I 2 60 475 575 »g g 2) 00 3500
B“ I 800 550 6 W 7W i* gg M .37 GO
0” 850 AGO 7,g 860 15W g M 43 m
2m I 400 750 * S m m MS> M w w
SlliH UkassMJss
Twelve lines oo .
. For Executors’-and AUxiVxp!*?!? 1 ??®?*/' 1 ■ jyoo
For! Auditors* Notice, 3 00
V ?S r r»“ D &* “
For Announcements fly 0 cents per line, un
SMp&TnSuc«.
PfiSSi column advertisements extin.
SggßSSSaat
and apply the F, WADE.
•‘All these concurring voices, whose
ittS:SSKSs
Address of the Liberal Bepublioah State
, . Committee. .
To'the People of Pennsylvania ••
The issues involved in the Binding po*
Utioal contest are now clearly defined,
and the lines distinctly "drawn. Despite
the efforts of those who could or
would not see and undersUnd. the a.eat
| uprising of the people in behalf of seif
government and reform has healed the
lingering estrangements of civil war, °b-
UterafM sectional dlflerenoea and effaced
party Unes in its onward sweep, roim
cal prejudices and -distrust have been
removed by the highest authorittea of
the political organizations which are in
spired by a common faith and purpose
and patriot men of all parties can unite
for the regeneration of our
State and municipal government?, No
mere political management, bowpvor.
skillful! could thus have d e^
Roolations and antagonisms of the past.
It \s the ground-swell of the long-re
strained determination of the pc°P lo
restore all the departments of power to
o Th r ;rewTbea nd sSorn and deeper-'
ate struggle in Pennsylvania, Every
channel of power Is controlled by those
whose mal-admlnlstratlon has provoked
this tidal wave that is to destroy them.
Their names are neither few nor feeble.
The honors, the emoluments, the plun
der of the national. State and ottye
ernments are in their hands, and the
public positions, designed for thebanent
of the people, will be prostituted to the
uttermost to defeat the people them
battle for reform. They will defrauddhe
unwary, debauch the venal, intimidate
the weak, and.,flatter the "“bilious! and
all the multiplied appliances of corrupt
and unscrupulous authority "1U be ex
hausted to protract their rule.. .Th 6 leg
-I,laUve power and the revenues and
resources of the State have been in their
control, and our places , of power have
been bartered to the ml 'mvrt .
The trusts, the revenues, the
menta of power, and, luj.a.rule, the offl
ces of the law. in Philadelphia bavo been
at once their prey and their shield, and
they will surrender them only when the
decisive verdict of the people dethrones'
The present political rule
vania must be overthrown. It Is a liy
tag libel upon Republicanism, and a
blistering bolt upon the Commonwealth,
Every dictate of patriotism. °'} nteEl ?f ’
at-ivoronn»' honor and_of nubile safety
■Sr®
lof p n ower, and traffic In Federal States,
and municipal official favors, have drlv
nation to the interests of btaou
to, the people of Pen “ Byl '
vania. without distinction of party,
loin In prompt and thorough organiza-
J tlin to redeem our city, ohr Legislature,
and our State.' No district, city or conn
tv Is hopeless in such a contest. Th
power ofphmderers, however organized,
cannot.' withstand the - -
aroused people. The misrule wUb vL,lc“
we must grapple stands “ e *T““ de
~ t _ np htfitoiv in point of mtfsnit
and daring butTn one thing it cannot be
and daring. . llar misrule has
a fhfiTe can bo do evfldlDg
' ?uis eSle fate On every hand par
eX
would be settled for years to come, and
now, as It must bo, It wIU be dofoatedfor
time and the men naw struggling
for the honors and power of tb? city an
State will seek safety in security. .
;Thls battle tor retorm mUBfc n ba
In our State contest. In vain wl .
leaders of misrule plead t 0 .'
trial,before the people by hiding __
deformities under a national ‘ . -
However people may differ on national
Questions, the election of an honest and
rSent Executive Is their bulwark o
1 safety. The election of proper delegates
m the Constitutional Convention will
make organized' plunderers impossible
hereafter. The election of an honest
Legislature will restore the government
bf Philadelphia to the control of her own
citizens; will brand.with infamy those
would sell or buy a seat In the first
legislative tribunal of the nation, and
will make our revenues secure ,rom
grasp and the perils of ‘ he B P““ la ‘°”'
The election of an honest Auditor Ge
mal will save hundreds of
dollars to tho Treasury, and enforce u
dellty In the administration of our fluan
olal aflklrs. The election of aloffl
oers who ate In sympathy with the re
generation of the government, preserve
Th all Its eanolty and power, the last ref
uee of an oppressed people.
! : if the discharge of this plain an
peratlve duty by the people
shall defeat or endanger ® lth “ J
or Grant In November, In this Sla ,
there can be no argument or apology
fered for his success. Let the Candid
of reform bo eustalned under all clroum
atanoes, regardless of party associations
and prejudices, and the triumph In Oc
tober will test ore onr Btate and city to
honest, enlightened and patriotic gov
ernment. If the cause aud candidates of
the Liberal Republicans oannot hen.
achieve victory hi November, It Will be
because they are not the most deserving.
We arapouteut to abide the Issue.
A. K. MoGuubk,
Chairman Liberal KepubUoan State Committee.
Wetarlsp.
c,' w'mckkiHan,] .
)1