slje American Volunteer, PUBLISHED EVERY THURSDAY MOUNINU BRATTON «te KENNEDY. O rrICE— SOUTH jiibbet square. fl’cuMs:—Two Dollars per year If paid strictly . ..ivaiico: Two Dollars and Fifty Cents If paid three mouths; after which Three Dollars *.ll hn chanted. These terms will he nuklly ud- f ll ‘ , to ju every instance. No sul.sorlpUon.dn,. tinned until all arrearages are paid, unless al IMoutlan ol Hip BcUHt. •jjrofessional lilacos. HUMIUCII. | WM. B. PAKKEK. UUMBICH & PARKER, - ATTORNEYS AT LAW. Office oa Mala Sticct. ia Marlon Hall, Car lisle. Pa* IK-c. i M - > - . g jfITEL states claim AND *REAL t ESTA TE AGENCY. M. B. BUTLER, attorney at law, offlceln 2dStory of lubolTs Building, No.OSoutb Hanover Street, Carlisle, Cumberland county Bounties, Back Pay, Ac., promptly by iftail, \ylll receive immediate l pardcidar attention given to the selling or rent* In* of Real Estate, In town or country. In all let eraof loqiilrv, please enclose postage stamp. July 11,W87-tr Tjl £/ItELTZIIOOVER> * ATTORNEY- AT~L A W, CARLISLE. Pa. iyOfUce oh South Hanover Street, opposite Btuiz’s dry goods store. Dec. I, WM. J. SHEARER, Attoknev and Counsellor .at Law; lias removed his oflii'e lo the hitherto unoccupied room la tbo North Bust corner of the CourfHouso. lv W KENNEDY,. Attorney at Law t Carlisle, Penuu. OiUeesumo.as tluitol atn*"Aiuerlcun Volunteer.” Dec. i IWJ« • tames H. Jr., J ATTORNEY AT LAW, NO. 11 BOTUU HANOVER BT.,’ rAIUiISLK, PA. OFFlCE—Adjoining JadgO Graham's. March 31, lu7o-tf EL. BHRYUCK, Justice of the , Peace. OtUcO No 3, Irvin’s Row, Curlia,e. iprll 29.1M19— ly ’ ' . , All. DEUKGE S. BEARIGHT, Den- J TLST, - Frtnn thq BaUiintrre Colltye qf Dental irt/ern. OHlce«it the reHldcuce of bis mother asi Leather BiroiM,,three-doors below Bedfbrd arllule, Peuna. . *•• • Dec.l 1335. REYNOLDS, M. D. Graduate of HAHNEMANN MEDICAL* COL EGc), Philadelphia. Office, 2:1 West Lonthcr St., at residence of his oilier. Cam a 10. JnnoO, 70—3m* DR. L Y. REED, Homeopathic Phy sician, has located in. Carlisle, Olhce next „r to St. Paul's Evauglllcal Churon, West wthcr street. 1 Fritleuts from a distance please II lu the forenoon. March 17,1370—Urn* JUWAKD SHILLING, M. L. 'I 8 PHYSICIAN AND SURGEON, jYo. 20 J&vit Pomfret btrtcl, ‘ CAUI.ISLE. Dr. Shilling was associated with Dr. ZUzer, In I*. place, for a year of so, and has been pructic ,e in Dickinson township, for three yeuis. All ti.fussloiinl business promptly attended to. April 7,1370—31 U EB. B. HißO£sB, Attorney and COUNSELOR. AT t.A W, FIFTH bTftLKT, BKLoW CHESTNUT, Cor. Library. ' Philadelphia. Oct 4. IBfl9-ly #j?ais aim tffiavs, RE H H HUMMER ARRIVAL OF ALL TUB IS EW STYLES HAT S AND CAPS. Ptio subscriber lias just opened al No. 15 North mover afreet, u few uikii'h North of the Curl Isle bmwlt Bunk, one of the hugest uiid bust Stocks HATS and CAPS ever olfered In Carlisle. Silk Hats. Casslinere of all styles and qualities, Itf Brims. dltlbroni colors, and every doacrlp id of Soft Hats now aiudu. ihv Duukard and Old Fashioned Brush,con iut!y on hand and made to order, all warmnt loglvo satisfaction. A full ossuitmcut of MEN’S, BOY'S, AND CHILDREN’S. HATS. lave also added to ray Stooa, notions ol dlfler i kinds, consisting of IDIES’ AND GENTLEMEN'S STOUiaNQS, ek'is 63, auspeiidrra, Collars, Qlovcs , Pencils, Thread, Helving Silk, • Umbrellas, Ac PRIME BEGARS AND TOBACCO ALWAYS ON HAND. . Hvorae a call, and examine my stock as I feel fildont of pleasing all, besides saving you mo- JOHN A. KELLER. Agent, No. 16 North Huhover Street, lav. IbCO. ATS AND CAPS I DO YOU WANT A NICE HAT OB CAP ? IF SO. DON’T FAIL TO CAL Li OK J. G. GALLIC , go, 29.. WES 2 MAIN STREET, lerccau be seen the finest assortment of HATS AND CAPS ir brought to Carlisle. Ho takes great pleas i lu inviting his old friends and customers, lull new ones, to his splendid stock just ro ved from Now York and. Philadelphia, con uagln part of tine SILK AND CASBIMEBE HATS, Idea an endless variety of Hats and Caps ol s latest style, all ol which he will sell at the vest Cash Prices. Also, his own manufacture Huts always on baud, and HATS MANUFACTURED TO ORDER. • te has the best arrangement for coloring Hats dull kinds of Woolen Clouds, Overcoats, Ac., al :shortest notice (us he colors every, week; and CLo must reasonable terms, Also, a line lot 01 oleo brands of TOBACCO AND CIGARS rays on band. Ho desires to call tboatteutlou yursous who have 00-UNTR Y FURS sell, as bo pays tbe highest cash prices for Uo live him a cull, at the above number, his Hd »ud, as bo feels coulldom of giving entire sa .is ctiuu. Hay unu. iioota anti jpljocß. 'TKOHM & BROKSLER, No 13, mouth Hanover Slreel , CARLISLE, y.PA, thankful for the patronage extended them fWufuro. cl.» now 'iiuiouQco rtlielf u&uul. lurgu JCJt of eirHl^G.tjTYijKd.of BOOTS AND SHOES •FOR |“*UIES’JA.ND MISSES',' . . . . , .. • . ... _ . .• . ...' , . , , * . . . . . ?, . .. .4 O l t.l tett :..... ... , ~., ..:„.1,,,t L.... ... _. •• . ~.. ~..,. .. . BY BRATTON & KENNEDY. IDcp iffiaoDs. QHJEAP DI4Y HOODS, CHEAP DRY GOODS, AT THE NEW STORE, D. A, SAWYER, D. A. SAWYER, Irvine's Corner. Bargains la LAWNS, GRENADINES. . HERNANIS. ♦ BEREGES, LACE POINTS, SUMMER SHAWLS, LACK CUR'IAINS. parasols, Fans, «sc. Piques, Marseilles, LOOK AT THE PRICES. CALICOES, CM, 8, 10, 12M. MU LINS. CM, 8. 10, 12M. ginghams; i2U, m, • 15, 17. TICKINGS, M, -18,. 22, 25* Cheapest Pants Stull luthe»town Cheapest Cloths and Casshners In iho town Cheapest. Hosiery in the town Cheapest Gloves and Handle’s, In the town Cheapest Notions, all kinds lu the town DRESS GOODS,' Cheapest DoLalnek * In tiio town Cheapest Poplins in the town Cheapest Alpuccusblack scal'd in the town Cheapest Hluck A Kancy Bilks In the town Cneapest Japanese * lu the town WHITE GOODS, Cheapest Piques Fig, striped In the town. Cheapest Muisailles lu the town. Cheapest Percales in Iho town. • Cheapest Chintzes , lu the town. Cheap- st Embroideries &, Laces In the town; Cheapest CollarsLhut be has'a wife and children. I see by his face that he is kind hearted and generous, arid 1 should judge that he means to do us near right us lie can- Hohas been beaten, and he pays one dollar and forty cents tor the recreation of some two hours' duration. If you observe you will see that he pays it freely, and pockets the loss .with a smile. Happy faculty I Buthow.doyou suppose it Is in the voung man’s home? Suppose his wife hail come to him this morning and asked him for a dollar to spend for some trifling thing, some household ornaments, or some hlft of jew eliy to adorn her person—and suppose ids little child had put In a plea for fdrry cents to buy a pnper'aml picture books with what do you think he would have answered ? Of fifty men just like him, would hot forty and fifty have declared that they had not money to spore for any such purpose? And moreover, they would have said so, feeling that they were telling the troth* Am,l not right?’ ‘Upon my soul.’ responded the man who understood billiards, ‘You speak to the point. I know that young man who has just paid his bill, and you have not misjudged him a single particular* And what is more, t happen to have a fact at bond to illustrate 3 our charge. We have a’Club for an excellent Mtera y paper In our village, and last year that man was one of our subscribers. This year ho felt obliged to discontinue it. His wife was very anxious to take it, for it had become a genial companion in leisure moments, but be could not afford It. The club rate was one dollar and fifty cents a year.’ •Aye, and so it goes,’ said the other gentleman. ‘ Well, that man’s wife may be wishing at this very moment that she had her paner to read* while be is paving almost Its full price for a year*-for what? And how smilingly he does it. Ab ! those poor sympathizing wives! How many clou ts often darken upon them froqi the brows of their husbands when they ask for t-lfling sums of money, and how grudgingly.the mite is bandied over when it is given I What perfect floods of joy that dollar and forty cents might have poured upon the 1 children of that unsuccessful billiard player. Ah! It. is well for such wives and children that they do not know where the money all goes. They had finished at ihe nearest table. The two gentlemen moved on, and Al* nert Landman arose from his seat and left the house. Never before had he such thouVfats as now possessed him ; h© hud ueverdwelt upon the same grouping ideas. That very morning his own true, faithful, loving wife bud been sad and because he had harshly and unklnkly met her request for a small sum of money. And his sweet Lizzie hud crept away to her home almost broken-hearted for the want of a simple toy, such as her mates possessed. And yet the sum of both their wants amount ed to not as much he had paid away that evening for billiard playing. Albert Landman wanted to be an hon est husband and father, and the lesson was not lost upon him. On his way home he stopped at Mr. Grant's and pur chased the best and prettiest hoop to be found, With driving stick painted red, white and blue, and In the morning, when he beheld his child's delight, and hud received her grateful, happy kiss, the question came to his mind : which was the best and happiest result, this or the five games of billiards ? The hoop had cost thirty cents. He could play two games of billiards less, and be ll& abso lute gnhjerof ten cents by the pleasant operation. A few mornings after this, as Albert rose from the breakfast table he detected an uneasy, wistful look upon bis wife’s face. : ‘Kate, what is it?’ .‘Albert could you spare me a halfdol lat this morning?’ And out came the wallet, and the iponey was banded over with a warm, genial smite. ( What! Tears at that? Was it possible she had been so little used to such scenes on his part that so simple an act of lov ing kindness thus affected her. How many«games of billiards would be required to secure such satisfaction as Albert Landman carried with him that morning to his shop. A very simple lesson, is. it not? But how many nmv gain lasting profit by giving heed to the lesson ! * * - Dread Upon tho Wntcrs-Au Affecting Story. * Please, sir, will you buy my chestnuts?’ ‘•Chestnuts! No!” returned Kulph Moore, looking cnrlessly down on the upturned face whose large, brown eyes, shadowed hy tangled curls of flaxen hair, were appealing so pitifully to his own. ' What db I want with chestnuts?’. ‘But, please sir, buy em,’ pleaded the little one, reassured by the rough kind ness of his tone. ‘No body seems to care or them, and—and— ’ She fairly burst into tears, and Moore, who had been on the point of brushing carelessly past her, stopped instinctively. ‘Are you very touch in want of the .money?' * * Indeed, air, we are,’ sobbed the child; mother sent me out, and— • Nay, little one, don’t cry In such a heart-broken way,’ said Ralph, smooth ing her hair down with careless gentle ness. Vl\don’t want your chestnuts, but here’s-a quarter for you, if that will do you any good.’ He did not stay to here the delighted incoherent thanks the child poured out through a rainbow of smiles and tears, but strode on his way, muttering between his teeth— • . ‘That cut off my supply of cigars for thd next twenty-four hours. T don’t care though ; the brown eyed objectdld cry as if it had’nta frl«ud In the world Hang it I I wish I was rich enough to help every poor creature outjof the slough of despond I’ While Ba’ph Moore was ihdulging In these very natural reflections, the dark eyed little damsel whom he had comfort ed was dashing down the street with quick, elastic footsteps, utterly regardless of the basket of unsold nuts that s'ill dangled upon her arm. Down on obscure lane she darted,- between tall ruinous rows of houses, and up a narrow wooden staircase to a room where a pale, neat looking woman with large brown eyes like her own, was sewlng«as busily as if the breath of life depended upon every stitch, and two 111 tie ones were content edly playing in the sunshine, that tem porarily supplied the place.of the fire. ‘ Mary I hack already? Surely you have not sold your chestnuts so soon ?’ ‘Oh, mother, mother! see,’ ejaculated the breathless child, ‘ a gentleman gave me a whole quarter; Ouly think, mother, a whole quarter!’ . . If Ralph Moore could only have seen th» rapture which his tiny silver gift di ffused around it in the poor widow’s t ov erly stricken home, he would have urged still less tl e temporary privation of cl j,s«ro to which hla generosity had subject ed him. ****** Years came and went. The little chestnut girl passed as entirely out of Ralph Moore’s memory as if pleading eyes had never touched the soft spot in h’is heart, hut Mary Lee never forgot the stranger who had given her the silver piece. .**,* * * * * * The crlm«on window curtains were close ly drawn (Toshut out llie storm and temp est of the black December night—the fire was glowing cheerily in the well-filled grate, and the dinner table in a glitter wiih cut glass, rare china and polished silver, was only waiting for the presence of Mh-Audley. * ‘ What can it be that detains - papa?' said Mrs! Audley, a fair, handsome ma tron of about thirty, as she glanced at the dial of a tiny enameled watch. ‘ Six o’clock, and he does not make his ap pearance!’ ‘ ‘ There’s a man with him in thestudy, mamma—come on business,’ said Robert Audley, a pretty boy, eleven years old, who was reading by the fire. - . * I’ll cull him npaiu t ’saldMrB. Audley, stepping to the doOr. But, as she opened it, the brilliant gas light fell full on the face of an humble looking man, in" worn and threadbare garments, who was leaving the house, while her husband stood in the doorway of his study, apparently relieved to be rid of Ills visitor. •Charles,’ said Mrs. .Audley, whose cheek ;hud paled and flushed, ‘who is that man, and what does he want?.? ‘ His name is Moore, I believe, and he came to see if I would bestow upon him that vacant measeftgerribip in the hank.’ ‘And will ypu?’ ’ ‘ I don’t know, Mary,’ I must think about it.’ * ‘Charles, give him the situation.’ ‘Why, my love?’ ‘ Because ! ask* it of you as a favor, and you have said a thousand times ’you 'would never deny me anything.’ ‘ And I will keep rny word, Mary,’ said the lover husband, with an affectionate hiss. * I’ll write the fellow a note this evening. I believe I’vo got his address .about me somewhere.’ An hour or two latter, when Bobbie, Frank and Eugene were snugly tucked In bed In the snactous nursery above stairs, Mrs. Audley told her husband why she was so Interested in the fate of a man whom she had not seen for twenty years. * That’s right, ray little wife,’ replied her husband, folding her fondly to his breast, when the simpletale was conclu ded, * never forgetone who has been kind to you iu the days when you needed kindness most. Ralph Moore was sitting In his poor lodging beside his ailing wife’s sick bed. when a liveried servant brought a note from the rich and prosperous bank direc tor Charles Audley. • v‘Good news, Bertha!’ he exclaimed as hQ read the brief words. ‘We shall not starve—Mr. Audley promises me the va cant situation.' ‘ You havedropped-something from the note. Ralph,’ said Mrs. Moore, pointing to a slip of paper on the floor. Mbore stopped theestray. It was a fifty dollar bill neatly folded in a piece of paper, on which was written: ‘ln grateful remembrance of a silver quarter tbat a kind stranger bestowed on a little chestnut girl over twenty years ago.’ Ralph Moore had thrown his morsel of. bread on the waters, and after many days it had returned to him* r A gentleman in New Orleans was agreeably surprised the other day to find a plump turkey served up for dinner, and enquired of his servant how it was obtained. ‘ Why, sir,’ replied Sambo, * dat turkey has been roosting on our fence tree nights, so dis morning I seize him for de rental) de fence.’ A juryman wua asked whether he had been ch irped by the judge. * Well,’ sold ho, 'the little fellow time sits up In the pulpit ami stares over the crowd gave us u lecture, but I don't know whether ho charged anything or not.’ The best tiling to give your enemy is forgiveness; to your opponent, tolerance; to your child, u good example; to your self; respect, to all men, charity. ADVICE TO h. Brayfogle,.tartly. ‘Oh !’said Bray, *l'd forgotten. Well, madame,' continued he, looking at his watch, that train has been gone thirteen minutes. Just keep on your things, and you’ll be ready for the train to-morrow morning.’ , We draw a veil over what followed.— We ere assured, however, that the next morning Mrs. B. was ready an hour ahead of lime. Sal and Jake.— ‘ Git eout, yew nasty puppy!- ‘Bet me alone, or I’M toll your ma I’ cried put Sally to her lover Jake, who sat about ten feet from her pulling dirt from the chimney jam. ‘ I ain’t toucbln’ on you Sal.’ respond ed Juke. " * 4 Wall, yerhaps you don’t mean to; nuther—do yer?’ * No, I don’t. 1 ‘Cause you’re tarnal scary! you long legged, lantern-jawed, slab-sided, pigemi eyed, gangle owl, you! you havn’tgota bit', o’ sense!, put along home with yon.’ ‘Now Rai, I love you, and can’t help It, and If you don’t let me stay and cnurt you my pap will sueyour’n for that cow he sold him ’tother day. By jingo, ho said he’d do it.* •« ‘Well, look hero,' Jake,Uf you want to court mo you’d better do it as a white man does that thing, and not set orf thar as if you thought I was pizen.’ x ‘ Row on alrth is that, Sul ?’ £ . ‘ Why ride right up hero, and hug and kiss me, as if yon had some of the bone and sinner of a man about you. Do you suppose a woman’s only made to look at, you fool you ?’ ‘ W611,’ said Jake, drawing a long breath, ‘if I must, I ’spose I must, fori love you Sal!’ and so Jake commenced sliding up to.her. Laying hisnrm grace fully upon Sal’s shoulder, and placing himself in a theatrical • attitude, wo thought we heard Sal exclaim in sweet silvery notes ftko those of a dying swan : * That’s the way to rlo it, oh! boss! that’s it. ‘Oh! Jerusalem a-n-d pan cakes!’ s&ld Jake, drawing the bock of bis hand across his mouth, ‘Buckwheat cakes, slap-jacks and lasses ain’t no whar, long side o’ you, Sal!’ Here their lips came together, and the report chatT followed was like pulling a horse’s hoof out of the mire. A Large Cann<)^.—A smart Yankee \ys3 one ov,oning’ , seatfcd in a bar-room of a country tavern in Canada, whittling with ajack knife. There were assem bled several Englishmen, discussing va rious mutters connected with the pomp and circumstance of war. In the course of his remarks, one of them stated that the British government possessed the largest cannon in the world, and gave the dimensions of one ho had seen. The Yankee would not let such a base asser tion puss uncnnlnulicted. ‘Fob ! gentle men,’ said he; *1 won’t deny that it is a fair-sized cannon ; but you are a leetle mistaken in supposing it Is to bo named the sumo minute with one of our Yankee guns which I saw in Charleston last year. Why, sir, it was so large that the soldiers were obliged to employ a yoke -of oxen to draw in the hall!’ 'And pray,’ exclaimed one of his hearers with a smile of triumph', 'can you tell us how they got the oxen nut again ?’ ‘Of course I can,’ returned the Yankee ; ‘they un yoked ’em and drove ’em through the touch-hole I’ A gentleman, speaking of a young beauty’s fashionable, yellowish hair, call ed it pure gold. 'lt ought to be,’ quoth K,; ‘it looks like twenty-four carrots*’ Hates for atocrtisinij. advbrtjbbmknth win Do inserted at Ten Coal per lino lor tho first insertion, and flvo cena per lino for each.,subsequent Insertion. Q,nar orly half-yearly, and yearly advertisements in serted at a liberal redaction on tho above rates Advertisements should be accompanied by tho Cash. Wnen sent without any lebgth of thno specified for publication, tbey will bo continued until ordered out and enarged accordingly. JOB PRINTING. CAKn3,HANt>niMA,CTnctn.Aiw, and every er description of Jon and Caro Printing, (Sms of iLfterature. VALENTINE FIKOM A BABY TO UIS IMP*, r, Dear old papa. I dot Ver loiter. My old mammy, she dltten beltci— She every day Ilitlo bit stronger, , Don’t mean to ho sick very much longer. Dear little baby had a bad colic, Had to take tree drops nasty parngollc; Took a dose of tatulp. folt worse than over, Shan't lako no laoro tatnip, never. ■ Wlpd on stomlt, felt pooty bad, - Worst fit of sickness I ever had ; Ever had belly.ate, dear Papa Dill? Talu’tno fun, say what ’oo will. I’m growing fat—twenty Inches round, Only link o’dot, gained most two pound; Little flannel blankets was too big before, Nurse can’t pin me In ’em no more, Skirts so fpnall, baby stout. Had to let tho plaits In ’em all out; Got a head o’ hair Jess ns black as night. And big bio eyes, yat look very bright.’ My mamma says, never did see Any ozzer baby half so sweet as me; Can’t ylte no more, so dood bye Jolly old papa, wlz a pray eye. Tin-: prettier the foot and ankle, the easier it gets up stairs. Can a maternal parent of a canine sort be called a dogma ? Tub first Eve-angelical alliance Adam’s qiarrlage in Eden. Grocers should remember that hon est.tea is the best policy. The sweetest of strains—trying to lift a pretty girl on a horse. For singers, only; What is the beat wine foi the voice? Canary. This is a good year for-crops, but the fly crop discounts all the rest. Codfish as a dish is good ; but as an aristocracy it is open to objection. The man who would keep.his head cool shouldn’t put a stove pipe on it. Chinamen eat with chopsticks, and use no spoons, Butler is down on ’em. 1 An indolent fallow declares he prefers rolls in bed to rolls at breakfast. Does it change tho complexion of a colored base bull club to bo whitewashed. A Pennsylvania school marm re cently ‘struck lie.’ But it was a juven ile. , A great benefactress of Egypt—Tsis. A great blessing in this country—lce is- A very clever distinction—A lover is a suer an heiress-hunter a purse-suer. ’ She who can compose a cross baby is greater than she-wholcompoaes books. 'A nursery must be a grelxt place for dnneing—it is generally a regular bawl room. The young lady who ‘took the eye of everybody’ has been arrested for steal log.* - Is it any evidence because a woman has a mobile face that aho ia a native of Alabama ? . Chandler is to have a bust—bv a Virginia scnlp’or. He has tho .other kind every week. Milkmen are happy fellows. They enjoy themselves at the watering places all the year round. Life sometimes hangs by a single thread—nut not long. Hemp and fif teen minutes does the business. Man may be a worm.; but a glance at the dandles proves that he is. not the worm that never dyes. When a man is sleepy, what sort of transformation does be desire? He wishes lie wer^a-lied. What do wo seek redress for when we go to law ?—‘lnjuries.’ Where do we Audit? ‘ln juries’.’ • The sending of negro troops to fight the Indians on the plains may bo called the new game of rourjc ct noir.. The mrtst direct method? of determin ing. horse power. Stand behind and tick*' le his hind legs with a briar. It Is an interestlngslght to seeaybung lady wi(h both hands in soft dough and a mosquito on the end of her nose. The boot heels and the bonnets of the ladles grow smaller and smaller, though they represent opposite extremes. A young gentleman who does not ad mire blondes says that the foolish vir gins are .the red-haired girls that use no oil. An old Greenland seaman said ho could really believe that crocodiles shed fears, for he had often scon whales blub ber. , A good excuse for married ladles to in dulge in tight lacing is. that in a good housekeeper there should bo ‘no waste.’ An Irishman was challenged to fight a duel, but declined on the plea that he did not wish to leave his mother an or phan. Home one says if the night.air is as un healthy as the doctors say it is, how do' -they then account for the longevity of owls? Mas. Partington says that because dancing girls nfe sta r s, it is no reason why they should be regarded as Heaven ly bodies.’ Wry does the ocean commerce of America remind one of the railings of a gallery? Because, just now, it is simply ballast trade. The absurd whisky meter* having just been, abolished, all our drinking songs will probably to set in future to ‘com mon meter.’ TharE Iz a great deal of magnificent poverty In our big citys—people who eat klam soup out ov a tin basin -with a gold spoon.’ Tiri entire police force of a Pennsyl vania town resigned in a body the other day, from lonesoraeuess. It was a man named Jones. A swtm*mtng school in Frankfort on the Main announced in English : ‘Swim ming Instructions given by a teacher of both sexes.’ A woman in Wisconsin says that when her husband is a little drunk he kicks her, and that when he Is very drunk she kicks him ; and she adds that she does most of the kicking. A (jurat fact crops up—Amateur gar deners are the most geuerfidtf of mo- it is a pleasure with them to ’fork over’ their grounds. ‘I have a great love for old hymns,’ said a pretty girl to her masculine friend, ‘I am much fonder,’ he replied,‘of the young hers.’ Fish remains in the Cabinet—so he (*nys“-lo accommodate Grant. It is thus that prominent men sacrifice themselves for their country. It is said that all Japanese wombu can read, write ami cipher. An exchange fiuya: *ln civilized nations men ‘siglx-for’ them.’ Oh! .A HUSBAND; in the city, wlio inter viewed his wile, says she is right on the leading questions of the day, but wrong on the leading strings. It was asked by a scholar, why master Thomas Hawking did not marry Miss Blatrrovc, ho was answered. ‘He couldn’t master her, so he missed her.’ An advocate having lately gained a suit for a poor young ludv, who was,ugly remarked. ‘1 have nothing to pay you but my heart. 1 ‘ Hand it over to my clerk, if you please; I wish no fee for myself ’’ he replied.