American iJoluutecr.
PUBLISHED EVERY THURSDAY MORNINO
D
BRATTON 6s. ICIS^NIdD'V,
£ OFFICE—SOUTH MARKET SQUARE.
TBBStflj—Two Dollars per year If paid strictly
lviin advance; Two Dollars and Fifty Cents if paid
irJwlthln three months; after which Three Dollars
£#*lll be charged. Those terms will bo rigidly ad-
to In every Instance. No subscription dU
%.Coontlnned until all arrearages are paid, unless at
fo: the option of the Editor.
professional (ttatfcs.
C. r. HUMRICH. I WM. B. PARKER.
\ TT RICH & PARKER,
. • A TTORNEYU AT LA ll'.
■ Olllco on Main Sticct. In Marlon Hall, Cur
. Dale, Pa.
- , Dec. 21,1803— ly
JOHN CORNMAN,
A TTOBNE Y AT LA IP.
Office In building attached to Franklin Ho use
opposite the Court House, Carlisle, Pa.
Juno 4, 18U8.—ly
CHAB. E. MAGLAUGHLIN, Attor
ney at Law. OlUce In building formerly
occupied by Volunteer, a few doors South of Wet
eel's Hotel.
Dec. 1,18(15.
TF E. BELTZHOOVER, Attorney
P # and Counsklok at Law, Carlisle,' Penna.
Cdlce on South Hanover street, opposite Bentz a
Store. By special an angement with the Patent
Olllce, attends to securing Patent Rights.
Doc. 1,1805.
Q HERMAN GOETZ,
ATTORNEY A 2 LAW,
NEWVILLE, PENN’A.
Patents, Pensions and other claims attended to.
May 28,1888.
JOHN R. MILLER, Attorney at
Law. Office In Wetzel’s Building, opposite
uio Court House, Carlisle , Pa.
Nov. U, 1887.
Me. HERMAN. ATTORNEY at Law.
, Office in Hhoem’s Hall Building, In the
rear of the Court House, next door to the “ Her
ald” Office, Carlisle, Peuun.
Dec. 1, 1885.*
WM. J. SHEARER. Attorney and
Counsellor at Law, has removed his
office to the hitherto unoccupied room lu the
North East corner of the Court House.
Jan. 118, 'BO—Iv
\XT KENNEDY, Attorney at Law,
VV • Carlisle, Ponim. Office same as Uiatoi
the “American volunteer,” South side of the Pub
lic Square.
Dec. 1 ISC6
UNITED STATES CLAIM
AND
REAL EST A TE A U EN C V !
WM. B. BUTLER,
ATTORNEY AT LAW
office In 2d Story of InhofTs Building, No. 3 South
ilauover Street., Carlisle, Cumberland couniy,
Penmi.
Pensions, Bounties, Back Pay, &c., promptly
collected.
Applications by mall, will receive Immediate
attention.
Particular attention given to the selling or rent
ing of Real Estate, In town or country. In all let
ters of inquiry, please enclose postage stamp.
July 11,1807—tf
I'vß. GEORGE B. BEARIGHT, Den
j / TIST. Pram the lialliinore Collcae v/ Do nla
Sia'ytry. Office at the residence of his mother
East Leather Street, three doors below Bedford
Carlisle, Penna.
Doc. 1,1885.
antt (Slaps.
JgIRESH AXUtIVAL
or ALL THE
NEW WINTER STYLES i
HATS AND GAPS.
The subscriber has Just opened at No, 15 North
Hanover Street, a few doors North of the Carlisle
Deposit Bank, one of the largest and'best Stocks
of HATS and CAPS over offered In Carlisle.
Bilk Hats, Cnsslinore of all styles and qualities,
Still’ Brims, dllfereut colors, aud every descrip-
Won of Soft Hals now made.
The Duukard and Old Fashioned Brush, con
stantly on baud and made to order, all warrant
ed to give satisfaction.
A full assortment of
MEN’S,
BOY’S, AND
1 have also added to my Slock, notions of differ
eut kinds, consisting of
LADIES’ AND GENTLEMEN’S STOCKINGS,
Week Tics, Suspenders,
Collars, Gloves,
Pencils, Thread,
Hewing Silk, Umbrellas, d*c
PRIME SEGARS AND TOBACCO
ALWAYS ON HAND,
Give me a call, and examine my stock as I feel
confident of pleasing all, besides saving you mo
ney.
JOHN A. KELLER, Agent,
No. 15 North Hanover Street.
Doc. 6,lKCB—ly
ATS AND CAPS !
DO VOU WANT A NICE HAT OR CAD T
IF SO. DON’T FAIL TO CALL ON
J. G.CALLIO,
NO. 29. WES 7 MAIN STREET,
Where cau be seen the finest assortment of
HATS AND CAPS
ever brought to Carlisle- Ho takes great pleas
ure in Inviting his old friends and customers,
and all new ones, to his splendid slock Just re
ceived from Now York and Philadelphia, con
sisting in part of Uuo
SILK AND CASSIMERE HATS.
besides an endless variety of Hata and Caps ol
the latest style, all ot which ho will sell at the
Lowest Cash Prices. Also, his own manufacture
of Hats always on hand, and
HATS MANUFACTURED TO ORDER.
Ho has the best arrangement for coloring Hats
and all kinds of Woolen Woods, Overqoats, &c.. al
the shortest notice (as he colors every week) and
on the most reasonable terms. Also, a fine lot ol
choice brands of
TOBACCO AND CIGARS
always on hand. Ho desires to call tho attention
to persons who have
COUNTR Y FURS
to sell, as he pays the highest cash prices for tho
a nine. . , , ~
Give him a call, at tho above number, his old
stand, as he feels confident of giving entire satis
faction.
Dec. 20.1808
pACIFIO HOTEL,
170, 172,174 * 170 GREN WICH STREET,
NEW YORK.
The underslgncd’iakes pleasure in announcing
to his numerous friends ami patrons that from
this date, the charge of the Pacific will be $2 50
per day. , ,
Being sole Proprietor of this house, and there
fore free from the 100 common exaction of tax
inordinate rent, ho is lully abie to meet two
downward tendency ol prices without any fal
ling off of service.
It will now, os heretofore, be his aim to main
tain undiminished the favorable reputation of
tbo Pacific, which It has enjoyed for many years,
as one of the best of travelers' hotels.
The table will bo bountifully supplied with
every delicacy of the season.
The attendance will bo found clQcicnt ami
obliging.
Tiie location will be found convenient for those
whose business calls them In the lower part of
the city, being one door north of Cortlanu street
and one block west of Broadway, and of ready
access to all Rallroads-and Hieamboat Bines.
Ukw Youk.Oci. 10. ItiOS.
JOHN PATTEN,
■JpORWARDING AND ■
Nov. 20, ISOS—Om
COMMISSION HOUSE.
JTour A Feed, Coat, Platter & Salt.
J. BEETEM A BROTHERS having purchased oi
Snyder & Newcomer their extensive Warehouse,
(Henderson's old stand,) head of High street, beg
leavo/to Inform the public that will continue the
Forwarding and Commission business on a more
extensive scale than heretofore.
The highest market price will he paid for Flour
Grain an J Produce of all kinds.
Flour and Feed, Plaster, Salt and Hay, kept
constantly on hand and for sale.
Coal of all kinds, embracing
LYKENB VALLEY.
LOCUST MOUNTAIN,
LAWBERRY, &c., Ac.,
Llmeburuers’ and Blacksmiths’ Coal, constant
ly for sale. Kept under cover, and delivered dry
to any part of the town. Also, all kinds of Lum
ber constantly on hand.
J. BEETEM A BROS.
Deo. 1, 1863.
FOR RENT. —The Law Office on
the second story of Inhud’o store-room,
corner of Hanover street and Market Square,
lately occupied by W. J. Shearer. Inquire of
Dec. 24 lags— if C. INHUFF.
XT —Orders fop coal on Delan-
J_N coy JsShrom. will be reoelv. dand promptly
atteaded to ut> Coratnun«fi Worthington's drug
store, at Jobu Fuller's grocery store, at Hum’s
grocery store, and at John Kheem’a coufectioua
ry store.
Jan. 14,1809—5 m. Delakcet&BnKoir.
AND WILL PRESENT TO ANY PERSON
Sending ns a Club in our Great
ONE DOLLAR SALE OF DRY AND FANCY.
GOODS,
A Watch, piece ofSh ceting, Silk Dress Patterns
Free of Cost.
Our Inducements during tho past few years have
been large.
WE NOW DOUBLE OUR RATES OF
PREMIUMS.
W* have many Important additions to our
Winter Stocks, and have largely extended our
Exchange List, and wo now fuel conlhhml to
meet 1 he demands of our extensive patronage.
Send for N w Circular.
OUaiogue of Goods and Samples sent to any
address free. Send money by registered letter.
Address all orders to .1.8. HAW ES & I’O.,
15 Federal Street, Boshm, Mass.
P. O. Box C.
Wholesale Dealers In Dry and Fnney Goods, Cut
lery, Plated Ware, Albums, Leather Goods, Aci
Dec. 17. IbbS—l2L
150 TEACHERS WANTED.—S7S to
J. 5150 per month; for full purticulais address
• The People's Journal,” Philadelphia, Pa.
Fob. il, 1880—It
WANTED. Salesmen to travel and
sellbyuum lo a now lino ofgoi ds. Situa
tions permanent, and good wages. Address with
slump, H. 11. KLuHAKUS A CU.,413 Chesiuut Si.,
Philadelphia, Piu
Feb. 11, 18U‘J— It
CHILDREN’S,
HATS.
PAINTS FOR FARMERS.—Unsur
passed for any purpose. Sti lor a bbl. of 300
ius. Send for circular. GRAFTON MINERAL
PAINT CO., 224 Pou.il Street, Now York.
SlOO to $:!00 per month salary paid lo
good Agents to sell our Talent i\ya- Ctn roaa-v
While Wire Chlhca Ones. Suite age ami pnstoecu
pntlon, and address iho \merlcan Wire Compa
ny, 75 William St., N. Y„ or 10 Dcarbon St. Chi
cago, Illinois.
1« oh. 11, IB6o—lt
AGENTS WANTED,—For the only
Steel Engraving of Gen. Grant and his
lumily published with thelrapproval. Engraved
by Sarialu. Ize 15 by i9,52.'0 10u per cent, to
agents. Address GOUDSPEEDA CU., Chicago,
or No. 37 Park Row, New Yoik,
NFAV BOOK—2OO ENGRAVINGS.-
The Farmer’s and Mechanics Manuel, mil
ieu by G«-o, E. Waring, Jr., author ol '* Di inning
for Prullt.” ” Elements of Agriculture," Ac. A
book ol great value to every one. Send lor Hi
page circular. Agents wanted. TREAT & CO.,
Publishers, (»l Broadway, N. Y.
Feb. 11, 18FJ—It ')
THE CHRISTIAN, U 0 CENTS.— A
large, live, 8 page monthly religious and
family paper,full of facts, providences, incidents,
music, poetry, true stories, pictures, reading lor
young, old,saints, sinners, one and all. No Sec
tarianism, controversy, politics, pull’s pills, or
patent medicines, accents a.\ear; 10 copies So.
For Sunday Sell* ols, lu copies S-J. Scud lu cents
for 3 specimens before you forget It. Vol.l be
gins Jan. 186'J. IUUO pages new live tracts lor SI.
Address H. L. HASTING*, scriptural Tract Re
pository, IU Llndall St., Buslou, Mass.
Feb. 11,1700 —It
WANTED FOR THE
SIGHTS AND SECRETS
OF THE NATIONAL CAPITAL.
A work descriptive of Washington City ; Inside
and *misldo Unmasked and Exposed. The spi
ciest most thrilling, most entertaining, Instruc
tive, and startling book of the day. •Sendfoi'
circulars, with terms, &c. Address UMIED
STATES PUBLISHING C0.,-ill Broome Sired,
New York City.
Feb. U, 18(19—11
--; ' .' "` - 'L--•'''' '. . ,
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BY BRATTON & KENNEDY,
Miscellaneous.
‘nu IM3. la Mer. . v -.. v . _
{ntlbr Si>’iafilui*tbsi«mj
WE ARE COMING
IFoclkal.
MY ri.AYM.ViI
nv .i. ri. winrriKii
The pines were dark on dumnlh hill,
Their song was soft and low ;
The blossoms In the sweet May wind
Were falling like the snow.
The blossoms drlflod lit our foot,
The orchard birds sang clear;
The sweetest and the saddest day
It seemed of all the year.
For‘more to mo than birds or Howers,
My playmate left her home,
And tools with her the laughlngsprtng,
The music and the bloom.
She kissed the lips ofklth ami kin,
•Shu laid her hand In mire;
What more couhl ask the bashful boy
Who fed her father’s kino?
She left us In I he bloom of May :
The constant years told o'er
Their seasons with us sweet. May morns,
but she came bnek no more.
1 walk, with noiseless feet, the round
Of uneventful vears;
Still o'er ami o'er I sow the spring
Ami reap the uutmnn ears.
She lives where all the gold.- u year
Her summer roses bl w;
The dusky children ol the sun
Before hei come and go.
There haply with her jeweled hands
Shesmoolhs her sllit n gown—
No more the homespun lap wherein
I shook the walnuts down.
Tito wild crape* wait ns by (lie* limok,
The hrown nuts on the hill,
An I si ill Mio May-day Hu wots make swool
Tho woods ol rollymill.
Tho lilies blossom In the? pond,
The bird builds in tho iroo,
Tho dark pines s* ng on Uanu.Ui Mil
Tho slow snug of Hie s<’a.
1 wonder if she thinks orthem.
Ami how iho old Him* seems—
I f o’or Iho pines of llainoth w ood
Arc sounding in her dreams.
I set; her fat-. I hoar her voice:
Does she remember mine?
And what to her is now Hie boy
Who led her father's kme?
What enres she that ihooitolos build
For other eyes Hum ours—
Thai other hands with nulsuro tilled,
And oilier hips with llowers?
O playmate In the golden Hum!
Our mossy seal Is green.
Its fringing violets blossom yef,
ThcMd trees o’er It lean.
Tho winds so sweet with birch and fern
A sweeter memory blow ;
Ami there In spring tno veetic.s sing
The song of long ago.
And still the pines of llamoth wood
Are moaning like tho son—
Tho moaning of the sea of change
Between myself and Ihoo.
JUsn-UatiMus.
GOING TO Tin; MIUItIAGB
Tito preliminary Wofs «it‘ Matrimony
The prospect of marriage like religion,
exercises us u rule, u very soothing iulhi*
ence upon the mind. Of course, \va all
know that religion soothes luimau naluie
down fcntoaktnd ol spiritual sleekness,
which isalways enviable, ami not al trays
enviable, and not always ut'aiuuble even
by the devout; but why the prospect of
unuriage should always produce a calm
ing elVect is not easily conjectured, at a 1
events, by lht)so who Want the knack of
knowing how to leeonciie experience
with unagmaiion. The truth, we sup*
pose, tiiUsl be that a man becomes r signed
when once his marriage-day has been
fixed. He is eou->ctous that the event is
inevitable. Thepleasing perturbation of
the period of courtship is. at an end. In
tt him while lie feels that you shall see
Ids name under the births and before the
deaths. The sense of the duty o’ lodg
ing happy and feeling j Hosed l-i np ni
him. He does not Hunk the condition
ol premeditated matrimony. He is very
anxious to look happy ; and when con
gratulated at every turn bv his friends,
professes himself very much pleased.—
Hut he is not phased and he is not hap
py. A good deal of anxiety is generated
uy the c mslauteoulemplaliou ol the day
tliatisiueviti.be. Many dubhftjs reflec
tions upon the concomitants uMnarriage
annoy ii m. He will have best of all lo
get married ; that is to say, lie will have
to stand buttoned up in a dock coat some
twenty minutes or more—Heaven send
that me bn. e dosn't want choral service !
Uetore a clergyman, subjected to the pry
ing glances of his dear relatives and
mends assembled lo witness, ami by
their presence, lo solemnize, if you will,
the service. Then ho will have to receive
the congratulations ot everybody in be
ve-try louiu-a terrilic ordeal. Then he
will nave to ualk down the church amid
the whispering, and wonder ami gaze of
rows ol strangers who have strolled into
the church to witness the proceedings.
Then lie will have lo push his way through
a crowd o) gaping childr-n, nurses and
miauls in preambulaloi's, into the car
nage. Ail this kind of tiling is delight
ful to women, but lo men—and to ner
vous men lu particular—it is one of the
greatest detei'enls lo marriage. Hut the
bridegroom's misery does not thin with
his getting into the eaniage. The silly
coachman and footman have encumbered
themselves with enormous and conspic
uous favors; and he is dragged through
the streets creating almost as much spec
ulliiuu and prov -king almo.-tas much
wonderment us a new Lord Mayor in a
gdc coach.
Hut ad this is trilling compared to what
is to folfow. If the bride Jives in a square
he has the satisfaction of seeing L e
neighboring balconies crowded to catch a
glimpse of t »em entering the house. If
sue lives in u street, the windows are
tilled willi heads, while servants grin
Ihiuugh Hie urea railings and crack many
humble jokes if there a*e a lew men
about. Ii sue lives in the country a band
of hinds and yokels just e eucli other
about the doorway and rais* a hoarse cry
ol welcome when the carnage stops. One
would think that matrimony was a new
invention; that this marriage was the
first experiment. Alter the bridegroom
has gone gracefully through the ordeal ol
being curtesied lo by the servants of the
house, Whose fanes are inflated with va
rious congratulatory expressions, lie has
again lo endure the snaking of hands
and the spasmodic a-surancea of good
wi lies that lollow the arrival of the rest
ol the.party. Then comes the breakfast.
A wretched old lady, who has been an in
timate iriend of his family lor twenty
years, strives for along time unauccesiul
ly lo catch hmeye; when caught, slie**x
claims in a loud voice that she expects
gieut things irorn him when lie returns
thanks. Hang her! Ho in gieat
misery, trying to,look uncmeerued and
cheerful, waning for the moment when
the lather of the bride shall i ropose their,
healths. Why are not these detestable
wedding break fa-it speeches banished?
The rising of the lather i d always pre
ceded by euine. minutes silence- Every
body sympathized with everybody else.
The thin man at the head ol the table is
sallow, ami his eyes are bleared. Ner
vousness has wrought this uupUuaant ef
fect. He knows he will have to return
thunks 4 for the bridesmdds; and more
than once lie inquires earnestly of him
self what be done lo merit Ids present
Hollering. The father of the bridegroom
Is thoughtful and pale- He is meditating
his reply to Hie mast proposed to the
health of his wile and himself. There is
iufiuiio expectation among the women;
CARLISLE, PA., THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 25,1869
much dread among the meti< ' But *Llio
bridegroom is thd most miserable just
now. He knows that when he arises lie
will not only have to address those whom
he can see -he will have to address those
also whom he can’t see. Servants linger
behind the door to crl'iclse the declama-
Uon of the husband of their young lady.
Walters stand behind him, petrllled by
bis abrupt and nervous ri lug Into immo
vable statues, holding glasses and bottles
of champagne. They know their bust
ness, do these attentive myimidons, and
will listen wjth the most embarrassing
silence. Hut even when the bridegroom
has made ins speech his misery is not
over. When the bride retires to change
her dress, all the gentlemen clusterabout
him and renew their congratulations,
made clamorous by the inspiring pre
ence of champagne. Then he has to say
good-bye. The bride’s little brother seta
up a howl at the loss of his sister, which
no promise of pantomimes at Christmas,
and boxes uf conjuring implements can
silence. The mothpr-in-law is desolated ;
she lias been crying ever since live in the
morning, and faints in the arms of a
symnathetic old triend, who entreats her
to be calm, in her Christian name, when
the bride gives her a farewell kiss. The
father wipes his eyes with the napkin
which he lias curried with him from the
breakfast-table. Amid misery and con
matututions the bridegroom departs—the
most miserable of the party, the least of
all to be congratulated.
No wonder the contemplation of this
kind -'I thing sobers a man. No wonder
an element of'sadness and dodged ness
pervades the actions and language of him
whose marriage duv has been fixed. He
is sobereil by contemplated conllngen
~cTes. Fiankly, we pity the man who is
going to b-i married. We cannot exten .
the same compassion to young ladies. —
They can stand any amount of loirs, of
r-crutlny, of hysterics, of speeches and the
waving of fans. J3ut man, though not
born to he single, was not born to cn Jure
the evils that allend Lire ceremony of
gelling u partner. He has to thank soci
ety for thor'C evils. Yet we shrewdly
snr-pect a good many more men will
avenge themselves upon society by not
getting married at all, than is dreamed of
mine philosophy of those who imagine
that going to be mairied is one of the
most ecstatic of imaginable conditions of
oeing.
A. T. STEWART.
A Now York correspondent of the Ger
mantown Chronicle writes respecting Mr.
Stewart as follows:
The reputation which Mr. Stewart en
joys does not represent him as over-go
nial. His pcrsoncllc is cold, stern and
forbidding. lUs sweetest tones are harsh ;
his cordiality is freezing. For all the
warmth there is about him, he might
have been born in the Aivtb* Ocean, and
sent to the North Pole to linisli off his
education. Ho is disliked and fear, dby
Ins employees, mule and female. His
clerks tremble at his approach. When
bespeaks, the one lie speaks to dreads
that he is going to lose his situation. The
system of tines used in ins store is the
most minute and elaborate in New York.
New comers sometimes lose nil their first
month’s su'aries in the puvmcnt of theve
fines. There are fines for silling, fines
for eating on the premises, fines for be
ing five minutes late, fines for misdirect
ing packages, fines for mistakes in giv
ing or receiving change fines for being
absent from one’s post an instant lon or
limn (he stipulated time, tines for carry
ing matches about Ihe person, &c. liven
the numerous small hoys emplo od there
mv mthlet-sly subject to this system dl
fines. Well-to-do merchants, however,
are so anxious that their sons should
have tile advantage of the Stewait disci
pline, that 1 hey are oflen notonly willing
that their hoys should work foratime for
inching, but they will even pay Mr.
Stewart for the advantage supposed to be
derived.
The millionaire is a tyrant to those be
neath him. fjome time ago, the girls and
young women in t'isemploy trembled lest
they should ho compelled to yield lo some
diviuicd mandate of his in regard to their
mode of wearing the hair, ami regulating
the length ol their garments. The po
lenaie, however, lias apparently thought
heller of whatever designs he may have
entertained, and no particular uniform
nor Unisonal arrangement distinguishes
the employ eesat Stewart’s from those any
where else.
Ninety-nine nut of every hundred poor
p'e desiring to imve an intoniew with
Mr. Stewart will, in vain, attempt to
gratify that wish. Some princes are
more accessible than is this prineo of
Now York meichants. It is at his o(Nce
down town that Mr - Stewart is most beset,
and where the greatest rigor obtains.—
Shut in his snug sanctum up stairs, tlie
orohanls of llcsperu- were not guarded
-liy more vigilant dragons, Upon your
inquiring for Mr. Stewart.an exceedingly
civil spo’<en, but peremptory official do
mauds your bn-une-ss. If it is private
business, join are informed that Mr-
Slewart lias no private business, if it is
not p'ivale business, the civil spoken hut
peremptory essays tose'tle It for yon. If,
however, you are so lortunate >-s to give
such a reply us shall satisfy him, ho al
lows yon to pass; but lids by no means
ensures you the interview. At the lop of
the tiist llight of steps another dragoon
encounters you, and. unless you have
heiculean “ cheek,” tins one is not to he
slain or worsted. Pos-ihly vou may in
duce him.to lake your name, ami stale
your business to the great A. T. S. Up
on being informed of them, the great A.
T. S- tires upon you a momentary Icy
i-‘ok from behind partition. If he
is favorably impressed, lie grants yon a
short, sententious interview, maUjugyou
leed all tile lime as uncomfortable us pos
sible, ami as though you were intruding
upon a. man to whom every moment was
an object. If the hare sight of you dis
gusts him —as it very probably wi'l, (tor
give me, rentier if it is a lady who roads
this,) he will give with Ids shoulder
(which is the original cold one,) that un
answerable shrug that comes like a blast
Iron) Boreas.
In brief, Mr. Stewart’s soul is in his
business. His spirit is wrapped up in
greenbacks, and nothing to him is worth
so much us the almighty dollar. The
man who gained the whole world and
10-t his own soul Is Ids spirit brother.
At his establishment it is hardly too
much to say that everything is to be had
that money wilt purchase. He is a fair
npm to deal with ; as a rule,' you may be
sure ol vetting the worth of your money ;
hut you may lie equally sure lie will get
ihe worth of what he sells you. He nev
er sticks on prices, and sells an inferior
article. For every department of dress
l t H lias a special dependent in his store,
each of which aims at perfection.
Capitalists in all hrauchesof commerce,
tr>de, manufacture, art, are like so many
keys of-an instrument of which Mr. Stew
art is master. He is more than equal to
the business pressing up'-n him. as, in
deed, any one must he to maintain suc
cess. He is as full of energy as ii\ v liis
tirstyouth, and the speed and boldness
witli winch Ids plana are executed, are
characterized by the same individuality,
widcli, in Ids younger >c irs, would have
made him appear to his friends as the'
most obstinate and reckless of men.
For any harmless exercise of these gifts
which make a man lo become a million
uiru, .\ir* rftewurt is, of comae, to bo ad
mired. Hut one never hours of his name
in ilie cause of charily hie rcpuiat'ou
is not suiTouii 'ed with an atmosphere of
ulleciion; and his memory will scarcely
be embalmed in-dlgnlty and tenderness
of tears. Kverytliing he has touched he
has turned into gold ; but there are scores
of noble men and women, who, having
made themselves as purleot as they are
capable of becoming, survey him from
their happy poverty with commisera
tion, and view the isolation of his soul as
Male better than starvation amid splen
dor.
Without deer ladies wo should be
come a stag-nation*
THE Wit t'S KISS.
The funeral services woto ended, and
as the voice of prayer ceased, lea r a were
h islily wined from wet cheeks, and long
drawn sighs relieved suppressed and cho
king solw, us the “ mourners prepared to
lake leave of the corpse.”
It was an old man who lay here, robed
for the grave. M »re than three score
years had whitened those locks, and fur
lowed that brow, ami made those stilT
limbs weary of life’s journey, and the
more willing talledown and rest where
weariness is no longer a burden. The
aged have but few to weep lor them when
they die. The moat of those who would
have mourned their loss have gone to the
grave before them; harps that would
have sighed sail harmonies are shattered
ami gone; and the few tiiat remain are
looking cradlewurd rather than to life’s
closing goal; ar»* bound to, und living in
the generation rising, more than the gen
eration departing.
Youth ami beauty have many admirers
when living—how many mourners when
dying; ami many tearful ones bend over
their outlined elay—many sad hearts fol
low in their funeral train. But ago lias
few admirers, few mourners. ,
Tins was an old man, and tln» circle of
mourners was small—two children, who
had tlvmselves passed the mi.ldle of life,
ami who had children of their own to
cure for and he cared lor by them. Be
sides these, and a few mends who had
seen and visited him while he was sick,
and possibly had known him fur a few
years, there were none others to shed a
tear, except his old wife. And of iln
small company, the old wife seemed in
bo the only hear) mourner. It is respect
ful for his Inends to be sad a few mo
ments, till the service is performed and
the hearse out of sight. It is very profi
table and suitable (or children who have
outgrown the fervency und afiection of
youth to shed tears when an aged parent
says farewell, and lies down to quiet
slumber. Some regrets, some reconcilia
tions uf the past, some transitory griefs,
and the pangs are over. Not always so.
Hut often how little true genuine heart
sorrow there is.
Tin* old wife arose with difficulty from
her'•eat, and went to the collin to look
her last look—to lake her last farewell. —
Through the fast falling tears she gazed
long and fondly down into the pule, un
conscious f ice. What did she see there ?
Olliers saw nothing but the rigid feat
ures of the dead ; she saw more! In eve
ry wrinkle of that brow she read ihe his
tory of years. From youth to manhood,
from manhood to old age ; in joy and sor
row, in sickness and ealth— it was jll
there; wh»n those children who ha«i not
quite outgrown the sympathies of child
hood were Infants lying on h r bosom,
and every year since then —there it was !
To others, those dull, mute monitors
were nnmtelltgih e; to her they were [he
alphabet of her heart, familiar as house
hold words.
And then the future? “What will
become of me? What shall Ido now ?"
She did not say so, she did not say any
thing, hut she felt it. The prospect of
the old wife is clouded. The home circle
is broken, never to be re-united ; the vis
ion of the hearthst' ne is scattered forev
er. Up to that hour there was u home to
which the heart always turned with fond
ness. But the magic is sonde ed the
keystone of that sacred arch is fallen, and
now home is nowhere this side of heav
en. What, children ) be a pensioner up
on their kindness, .where she may be
more of a burden than a blessing ; so, at
least, she thinks. Or, shall she gather
up tho scattered fragments of that bro
ken arch, ami make them her temple
mid her shrine ; sit down in her shrill
solitude beside its expiring fires, and die*-*
\V‘uit shall she do now ?
They gently crowded her away from
tlie dead, and the undertaker eame fo’-
wurd with the collin lid in his hand.' It
is all right and ptoper —of course —it must
f>e done; but to the heart mourner it
brings a kind of shudder—a thrill of ag
ony.
The undertaker Blood for a moment
with a decent propriety, not wishing lo
manifest rude haste, hut evidently desir
ous of being as expeditious as poss.hie.—
Justus he was about to close the collin,
die old wife turned back. and. stooping
down, imprinted one long fast kiss upon
the cold iipsof her dead husband, then
staggered to her seat, buried her face in
her hands, and tho closing collin hid him
from her sight forever!
That kNs ! Fond token of affection,
and of sorrow, and memory, and fare
well! I have seen many kiss their dead
—many such seals of love upon cold lips
but never did I see one so purely sad,
so simply heart-touching and hopeless as
that! Or, if it had hope, it was that
which looks beyond colllos and charnel
hmis 's, and damp, dark tombs, to the
joys of the home above. Would you kiss
the cold cheek of infancy ; there is poet
ry ; it is beauty bushed ; there is romance
there, for the faded {lower is slill beauti
ful ! In childhood the heart yields to the
stroke of sorrow; but recoils again with
elastic faith, buoyant with hope. But
here was no beauty, no poetry, no ro
mance. The heart "of the old wife uas
like the weary swimmer, whose strength
lias often raised him above the stormy
waves, but now exhausted, sinks amidst
the surges.
Why should the old love the old or kiss
the old, unloving lips? Ah! why
shouldn't they? Hoes affection grow
old? Hoes the true heart feel infirmity
of years? Docs it grow old when tlie
step becomes unsteady, and the hand
hangs down ?
Who shall say that the heart of the
old wife was not as young and warm as
in those early and brighter days when he
wooed and won her? The temple of her
earthly hopes hud, fallen, and what was
there left for her hut to sit down in des
pondency, among the lonely ruins, and
weep ami die? Or, in the-pint of better
hope, await the dawning of another day.
wlien a hand’dlvine shall gather the sa
cred dust, and rebuild for immortality its
broken walls.
May the old wife’s kiss, thutlinked the
living . with the dead, be the token of a
holier life that shall bind their spirit* in
the better land, where tears are wiped
from all faces and the days of their
mournin&aro ended!
What am I Fit Foil?—-There is only
one method hy which a young man can
discover what position In life ln> is best
lilted to occuoy. He most try. He may
be qualified to plan, lo lead, to control,
or his talent may he simply executive,
and of the kind that assists in carrying
out the ideas of other men. In either
ca*-c his aid Is needed in the vast and di
versified field of labor presented hy a
great and growing country. Ihe head
and the hand are equally requisite in
every branch of science and business, in
ail the pursuits of actual life. If the man
who is merely expert of hand stands, or
seems to stand, ou a lower level than 4>e
who means largely and wisely,.let him
not repine at that, for on the plane where
his capacities havo* placed him there is
less of responsibility and anxious care
than in the higher positions assigned to
more powerful ami comprehensive intel
lects. Having found his true place in
the great common wealth of industry, let
t* o young man cling to it, and not allow
himself to he prompted hy plausible sto
ries and dreams of sudden wealth, into
speculations for which he i% not lilted.
CS?*' It was cuslomary in some parish
churches f- r the men to be placed on one
side and the w*«men on the other. A
clergyman, in the mid-t of his sermon,
found himself interrupted by the talking
of some of his congregation, of which lie
was ob iged to lake notice. A woman
immediately arose, ami, wishing to clear
her own sex from the aspersion, said :
"Observe, at least, your reverence,
that it i» not on our side.”
“ a» much the I etter, good woman, so
much the belter,” answered the clergy
man ; ** it will be the sooner over.”
QUERIES.
If a person feels a person trendlngon hl« (•
Need a person ask a person how a prr.-.oi Js ■ ■ • vs
Is it un> body’s huslnev
If a gentleman should choose
To wall upon a lady,
If the lady don’t refuse?
Or to speak a little plainer,
That the meaning all may know
Is It anybody’s business
If a lady has a firm'
Is It anybody’s business
When the gentleman does call.
Or when ho ’oaves the lady.
Or if hc-leavcs at all ?
Or Is It necessary
That the curtain should he drawn,
To save from further trouble
The outside lookers on ?
Is it anybody’s business
But the lady’s. If her beau
Rides with other ladles
And doesn’t lot her know ?
Is It anybody’s business
But the gentleman’s, If she
Should accept another escort,
Where 7ie doesn’t chance to he
If a person on a sidewalk,
Whether great or whether sm:* il
ls it anybody’s business
Whether that person means to c-nM
Or if you see a person
As he's calling anywhere.
Is It anybody's business
Whiit Ills business may be there 7
Tlie substance of our query,
.Simply stated, would be this.
Is It anybody's business
What, another's business is 7
If it is. or ff (1 isn't,
Wo would really Hko fo know
Tor weTe certain It Isn't.
There some who make it so.
If it is. we'll Join tho rabble,
Anti net the noble part
Of tho tattlers and defatners
Who throng tho public mart
lint if not we’ll act the to < char.
Until each medJer learns,
It were better In tlie future
To mind Ills own concerns.
llcbnrinl of tlio llcinaiuu of Sirs. Surratt.
To-day tlie remains of Mrs. Surratt
were buried ibe third, and H is honed,
the last time. Yesterday afternoon, as
stated, her body was taken up from the
grave in the storeroom of one of tlie ar
senal buildings, which also contains the
remains of Payne, Atzerodt, Harold,
Wiry, and Booth. Tho body was disin
terred in accordance with a permit grant
ed by iho President to Father Walter,
pastor of St- Patrick’s church, giving the
relatives of Mrs. Surratt tho privilege of
removing her remains from tlie Arsenal
building to a eemelery. Tlie remains
were taken t) Mount Oliver Cemetery,
about two miles Northeast of Washing
ton, and placed in a vault, At half past
1 o’clock this afternoon Miss Annie fciur
ratt, Mias Honoru Fitzpatrick and a few
of tlie relatives and friends of 1 lie deceas
ed, about twenty in number, assembled
at the residence of Father Walter, where
they took carriages and proceeded to
Mount Oliver Cemetery. The ron ulus
had been transferred fr* m tlie rough pine
box in which they won l deposited by
government authorities and placed in a
walnut collin which was enclosed in a
pine box- The remains were in a rather
g tod slate of preservation, the dress, gal
id's and other articles of apparel t-eing
entirely whole. Tho workmen lilted the
body from the box on three spades and
laid it in the collin entire, with the ex
ception of the head, which hud become
disconnected from the body. When re
moved to tlie bui dlng, beneath Hie body
was found a common bottle containing
a piece of parchment on which was writ
ten, “ Mrs. M. E. Surratt.” This had
been enclosed with the body bv the mili
tary authorities, in order that tlie remains
might be identified alter the lapse of
years, in case tlie grave should not be
opened before lime had mouldered its
contents Into dust. When the carriages
had arrived the small circle of friends re
paired to the llttlechapel in the cemetery
where stood the collin. Rev. Father
Walter, assisted by Father Kane, per
formed the funeral service of the Catho
lic church, after which half a dozen of
workmen employed at the Cemetery ac
ted us pall beaiers and carried (hecoflla
to ihe extreme northeast corner of tho
ground, where tlie grave had already
been’prepared. Tlie mourners followed,
some riding and some walking. The
Cemeterial Board had presented t« V'-s
Annie Surratt an enure lot, No. ;»1, -•<•-
lion F, bordering on Olivet and Si. iio
mhiiek avenues. The !<*■ is near to and
can be plainly seen from the public road,
ami is in In* vicinity ol Un* grave of the
laiet'otonel J. P (.Jar.-isc 1 u*. When the
mourners were assent bled a round tlie grave
Fathers Waller ami Kune read ihe buri
al service, and the remains were lowered
into tlie grave* The «ud party remained
until tfiu earth had been bunked up over
the grave, after which a bouquet of lust
ing flowers. made in Ihe form of a cross,
was laid npo" tho mound. Miss Surratt
was deeply aflecied through all the aero
monies attending the reburial, but her
grief was greatly mitigated hy the knowl
edge that the remains of her loved moth
er were at lust redeemed from (heir hith
erto ignominious surroundings and de
posited iti their last abode with the rites
of Christian burial.
Tnic Ji’imi: an'l) thk Quaker.—A
.1 mice on a journey fell in company with
a Quaker. “ Sir,” said tlie Judge, how
i.M it that you Quakers always have lat
horses ami mopey in your pockets?”
Quaker—” B.V and by I will tell thee.”
Shortly a Hep’i hey arrived at a tavern.
The Judge cal led for a glass of hitlers, and
niged the Quaker to drink, but he refus
ed, saying I have no, need- He then
called for four quarts of oats for hia horse
and the Quaker six for hia.,
Quaker—” Now I will tell thee. We
drink no spirits at the tavern. How
much didst thou pay for the bitters ?”
Judge—“ Sixpence.”
Quaker—” How much for the oats?”
Judge—” Sixpence,”
Quaker 11 My oats costninepence, and
what go' d did the Hitters do thee ?”
Judge—“ They procure rae an appe
tite.”
Quaker—” Abstinence -jives me an ap
petite. Thus thee sees thirl we spend no
more than thou, and nor horses are fat.—
Rut I have not done with t lice yet. I see
silver buckles on thyshot liow much
did they cost ?”
Judi e—” Nine dollars.”
Clunker—” How long hast thou bad
them ?”
Judge—” Klght years.”
Quaker— V Do they answer any better
than my strings?”
Judge—” No.”
Quaker—” With nine dollars we should
have bought live st« (, k, and at the expi
ration of live years we should havo fif
teen head of entile. Heie, thou geest,
we can have money in our pockets. • In
stead oi having silver on our shoos, wo
wear leather strings.”
” 1 have discovered (said Gray, the
poet, in a letter to a young friend) athing
v»*ry little known, which is, that in one’s
life one cun never have more limn one
mother. You may think this obvious,
ami what yon may call a trite observation.
You are a green gosling! I was at the
same age, very near ns wise as you, and
yet 1 never discovered this—with full
evidence ami conviction, 1 mean—till It
was too late* It is thirteen \eara ago,
ami it M-i’in' in me hn( as yesterday, and
everyday t live it sinks deeper in. my
heart !” ‘
Csir According to the Girard Spectator,
a ludy of that place, one day lust week,
prepared breakfast, then .dinner, did a
two weeks’ironing, and made a bounc
ing contribution to the population of the
town, and all before 4 o’clock p. m.
YOL. 55.— N0. 37.
AFATAI. MISTAKE
Mark Twain, when In Chicago rccen*-
fy, stopped at a Je/nlirifr hotel in that ci
ty. He lellslhp following;
They gave me a room there, away up, I
do not know exactly how high, hut wa
ter bolls up there at IGO degrees. I went
tip in a dumb waiter which was attached
«o a balloon. It wusa prominent altitude
for an observatory. I he furniture con
sisted of a table, a camp stool, a wash
bowl, n German Dictionary, and a patent
medicine almanac for 1542. I do not
know whether there was a bed or not—l
didn't notice. However, I was glad I
got that room, for I stayed there an hour
and took notes of an Instructive conver
sation wh'ch was going on in an adjoin
ing apartment. I overheard the follow
ing legend:
No, she wouldn’t marry-me. Von
were misinfouned. It was broken oil*
and in the saddest way. 1 was notiu the
least to blame, upon my word and honor,
though neither her nor her father over
forgave me. It was In the great election
canvass when Lincoln ran for the first
lime. Two-thirds of the Deacon’s soul
were in religion and one-third was in
politics—Lincoln man. 1 never was a
scoffer at religion in my life but he half
behoved I was. Well, there was to bo a
political pow-wow in the village church
where ho lived,on uThursday.ujght.and
he was to preside.. I never thought any
thing about the matter, but Williams
halted me one afternoon, offered mo a
seat in Ida buggy, and away we started,
ft was Wednesday—curse the almanac—
but we never thought of it. Going into
town, some devilish instinct put it into
my head that h would help my case along
if I maichcd into church with a rail on
my shoulder, seeing that tho deacon and
the girl would both bo there. So I got a
rail, and we came into town shouting ami
making a grand to-do generally. As sve
went by the church windows, i caught a
glimpse of her bonnet and plenty of oih
or bonnets, and I was happy. I shoul
dered my rail and marched in. Tho
houseful of men and women were all
quiet, and the old deacon was standing
up in the altarsaying something. Splen
did. I went a blooming up the aisle with
my rail swinging my hat and whooping—
“ Hno-ray h>r old A be— hoo-ray for the
Illinois raii spjhler.”
But never a yelp out of that audience, I
quit right in my tracks. The deacon
said :
“Sir, we are engaged in addressing tin*
Throne of Grace. This unseemly exhi
bition is ill-fitted to Hie solemnity of a
prayer-meeting.”
I never felt s<* siek in my life, John.—
1 never fell so much like taking a walk
Ami don't you know, as I stood up there
before that congregation, I’d have given
a million of dollars for somebody to take
that rail out for me. Hut no, I had to
sneak out with it myself. I threw it
down, ami went to where there was a
board fence, and practiced climbing back
ward and forward through a knot-hole
forasmuch as an hour. But my goose
was cooked ; it was all up between meuud
that lamily.
Scathing—A Woman’s Views on Fashion*
able Immodesty.
Mrs. 11. Harding Davis, iu Putnam's
Monthly for Febuiury. hay an article on
men's rights, iu which she indulges
great plainness of speech. In the course
of her essay she sa) s :
“ Dick French, worn rove that he is,
has joined the school of the critic of tile
London Saturday Jicview. ' He asserts
that all women are represented by these.
He hints that he understands the lures
that these decollete belles put forth. ‘ It's
cursed ha'd on a lellow,” lie says. 1 The
extravagance ol these women won’i al
low a man to marry; yet they tempt
them to do it with all the arts of the
demi-monde.’ Then he ami his compeers
adjust their eye glasses and Jo.m against
doorways criticising the paces of the
delicate young girls who were whirling
past, as the traders might the staves in
the market. French goes too far. My
little Nellie is in the market, she Ims her
secret, innocent dream of l«ue love ami
marriage some day, hid away in her
heart. There is not one of the French
crew who she would marry. When she
unci then her-elf Immodestly and sur
renders her person to their loueh, she has
no ulterior pleasure beyond iLe intoxi
cating pleasure of the moment. Custom
has made her eyes familiar with indecen
cy—worn away the defensive instinct of
purity with which every woman is born;
but that is the worst that can l-.e said o'
her. Yet, if her own blood he Mich ice
that the exposure of her person has no
power to tiring a blush to her cheek,
iiocs it mutter nothing to her that pleas
ed, unclean eyes rest on her, that half
li e men look on her nilslaae her motive?.,
and pity the degradation site undergoes
in her effort to please them. Insecoar.-e
language. The limes are coarse. The
Mato of society which can make a Swin
burne possible can beam few plain words
without detriment to its modesty It is
true that the evil is as yet confined to
our large chies. God forbid that the
fashionable fust girl of New York or
Chicago should be received as the typic d
woman of America. Mie bears the same
proportion to tin? woman of the Mates
that the feverish outbreak on the lace
does to the whole healthy, sweet-blood
ed body. But tliis society assumes to
slum! foremost.in lelinemmilamlculture,
and cannot object to have its clamis test
ed. Besides, the leverlsh taint will
spread.”
A Dutchman's Thick. --While a
Dutchman was n*r through a my in
Vermont a Yankee came up lo him ami
said:
•‘Slum, if you will treat me lo a cigar
I will rlmvv .on a trick.”
Slum agreed. Yankee then placed his
hand against a fence, and told him to
strike it as hard as he could.. Shun, not
thinking that any harm could befall him
hy doing so. struck a blacksmith's blow,
blit instead of hitting Yank’s hand, the
latter jerking It away, poor John struck
the fence-hoard, knocking it oil.
“ Mein Gqtt in Himmel !” cried John,
“ what makes you so foolish? I knock
ed my hand oil' clean up to the elbow!
Ol sticker blitz! my pour-frau T .what..\vill.
she suv ?” v
Poor Slum was hound to have revenue ;
so one day, as he was parsing through a
held, he espied a man. Going up to him
he said :
“ Mynheer, I show you « littlejoke for
nodding."
As there was no fence or tree* near,
Shon put his hand against his mnulh,
and said :
“ IStrikeymd as hard as you can."
Mynecr struck and John pulled away
bis hand and received the blow on his
mouth and was knocked down.' Slum
Jumped up, ids mouth bleeding, and <*mn
menced dancing with pain.
*• Bherusaleui 1 A thousand luyfels
take lids country. I goes hack to Hol
land on the brat train."
Mkntal Activity.—lf the water run
neth. it holdeth clear, sweet, and fresh;
but stagnation turneth it into a noisome
puddle. If the air be fanned by the
winds.it is pure ami wholesome; but
from being shut up, ilgrnwelh thick ami
putrid. I f metals he employed,they abide
smooth and splendid ; nut lay them up,
and they-soon contract rust. If the
earth is labored with culture, it yieldeth
corn ; but lying neglected, it. will hoover
grown with bushes and thistles, ami the
better the sod is, the ranker weeds It will
produce. All nauite in-upheld In its be
ing, order ‘tud shape by constant agita
tion ; every creature Is incessantly em
ployed In action conformable to its de
signed use. In like manner, the preser
vation and improvement of the faculties
depend on their constant exercise; to it
God has annexed the best and moat de
si-able reward-'success to our undertak
ings wealth, honor, wisdom, virture, sal
vation.—iforrow.
Ww tor Atomism
line lor u,,. n™ , " “ IT<ln
Mr line [or ' •»" cent
>rrly t.ulf. y e.T> “ qUe ' M ‘"”rr..„n v(n«r
Adv.rllHornenu. * Uu,e ruler.
Cam,. Wnen „ 2 by [he
I a PeciflotJ for 7 °‘ Um »
PKINTINO.
•rdoren’inion ‘' AK3, " ml over yolh.
a n i-.\ o
A *****
-Velocipede races will eclipse “luirre
trots" at agricultural fairs herenftet.
-Tho fewer the words tho better I In
prayer. ,
—A Wisconsin man has a snake in his
stomach. Hotter there than in his hoots,
“Whalen, the murderer of D’Aroy
McGee, waa executed on Thursday last.*
—There’s many a skip ’twist the flea
and the nip.
—The mitten that never tits—the one
that you get from a lady.
—Tho lady who took everybody's eye
must have quite a lot of’em.
—The latest accounts from Europe in
dicate that Spain will return to a mnn-.
arcliy.
y —A deceased millionaire in a Western
dry, has inscribed on his tombstone, 4 Ho
always paid cosh.’
—“Dr. Hays on the North Pole,” an
nounces a paper. He must haven cool
seat.
—The advantage of having corns in
that you always stand on your own ach
er*.
—A mnn with a scolding wife, on being
asked what ho did fop a living, replied
tout ho kept a hot-house.
—Why is a cat on the top of a house
like an orange? Because she looks
round.
-‘-What is the difference between a
High Episcopalian ami u Baptist? One
burns wax caudl m and the other dips.
—What is the difference between a
jeweller ami a jailor? One watches cells
and the other bells watches.
- Why Is n selfish friend like the letter -
P? Because though he is first in pity he
is the lust in help.
—“ Oh, for a thousand tongues,” said a
little urchin who had crawled into a huge
sugar hogshead.
—Slight changes make great difference :
“ Dinner for innhing” is very good fun ;
huty*Vu can’t say us much for “ nothing
for dinner.”
—Air-guns are the latest weapons of
New York murderers. A clerk, siding
alone in a broker’s olllce, was shot with
one of those siletuinstrumentsJast week.
—An old tobacco chewer finds that the
Bible sustains ilia fivorllenhubit. He
quotes : “ He that is HLhy lewilm bo fil
thy still.”
—Why should the sea make a hotter
housekeeper than the earth*? Because
the earth is exceedingly dirty, and the
sea is very tidy.
—An’exchange says “the attempt to
starfan asylum for useless young men
faded, as no building could be construct
ed largo enough.”
—At a public house in Devonshire the
landlord bus it painted up outside his
door: “Good beer sold here; but don’t
take iny word for it.”
—A correspondent tells of a Vermont
office seeker at Washington to whom
Gen. Grant “winked,’ and who now
feels secuie of his appointment.
—A washerwoman is an evidence of
civilization, and the Hag that flutters eve-,
ry Monday upon the clothes line i- a
symbol of progress and liberty.
—“ Not guilty,” said an Omaha jury,
“but if the prisoner is smart ho will
leave the Toiritory before night.” He
left.
. —An Irishman, trying to pit
out a gas light with his lingers, cried mu
“ Och, muthor! the dlvil a wick’s in
it!”
—A practical joker In Michigan got on
the roof of a house, and imitated an owl
with such fidelity to nature that one of
his friends shot him.
—ln Jackson county Florida, the court
had to adjourn five different times on ac
count of tlie black jury going Bound asleep
uml snoring almost as loud as a thunder
storm.
—At Park street Church,Boston, last
Sunday, the minister a-dted the Lord in
ids prayer, to “bless those middle aged
females in the congregation whose youth
ul hopes hud been disappointed.”
—An Irishman recently soliloquized:
“What a waste o’ money to be buying
mate when you know the half of’it is
bone, while yon can splnd it for rum that
hasn't a bone in It.”
—A preacher in New Hampshire, dis
coursing on the subject of Daniel in the
Lion’s Den, said : “ An’ lhar ho .sought
all night long, hulkin’ at the show for
nothin’, and it didn’t cost him a cent.”
—There are t wo reasons why some peo
ple don’t follow the advice, “ mind your
own business.” First, they havn’t any
business, and second, no mind to brine
to It. Bather poorly off, that style of hu -
inanity.
—“ What have you done with your
doll. Amy?” “Lock Hup. papa Going
to keep it for my •illy gel. when I get big
just I ke mamma !” "Ah! hut suppose
you have none?” “Never mind. My
g’au child will have it."
—“Do you observe how devotional
Deacon Buffer is?” asked a good lady of
her husband. “ Yes, my dear, the Dea
con Is very devotional. Healways keeps
his head bowed in prayer until the.rontn
hution'box bus passed.”
—“ Wliy don’t yon limit yourself?’'
said a physician to an inlemper- le per
son : “ set d’-wn a slake that you will no
so far an«i no fa-thor?”' ffo Ido,said the
toper; “ but I set it so far off that I al
ways get drunk before I get lo It.”
—An auctioneer, at a late sale of anti
quities, put up a helmet, with the follow
ing candid ohse*vatkm : “This, ladies
iimi gentlemen, is a helmet of Romuiie
the Homan founder; but whether he win
a brass or iron founder I cannot tell.”
——A-female recently paraded..the slrei-i
-of a Western town, exhibiting above a
pair of stout ankles, a skirt upon vrhicb
the indelible brand of the miller was still
visible—" ninety-six pounds, extra super
tine—warranted.”
—Senator Neye, o/ Nevada, in debal •
last week, defined ins religious belief.—
He said that *’ lie hud been born a Pres
byterian, and had been Judicially declar
ed a Huplist; he was by habit an Kpi.-co
paiiun, and by inclination a Methodist.”
—“ The penally for walking on a raif
road track In England is ten pounds/'
said one, while discussing. The numerous
fata* accidents on a railroad.
" Pooh !” replied Uncle Jerry, “ is that
all? The penalty in this country is
death."
—"What do you mean by a cal and
dog life?" said a husband to an angry
wife. " Look at Carlo and Kitty asleep
on the rug together. I wish men‘lived
half as peaceably With their wives."
" Slop," said the Judy; “ tie them to
gether ami »ee how they will agree/’
—An inventive genius has produced nn
apparatus which he says is acme for stm
ring. He fastens upon the nose a gutta
percha lube tending to the tympanum ol
Lite car. Whenever the snorcr snores he
himself receives the llrst impression,
finds how disagreeable it is, and of course
reforms. .
—A city rtilsa on a visit to the country,
was tilled with surprise at the skill ot u
girt in milking u cow. "I didn’t know
you did it in that way,” she said, with
round eyed wonder. " I thought they
took hold of the cow’s tail and pumped
the milk but of her! Waal's she got so
long a tail Tor ?”
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