®l)c American Volunteer.
PUBLISHED EVERY THURSDAY MORNING
BY
SKA-TTON Ac KENNEDY.
MARKET SQUARE,
TerH3Two Dollars por year If paid strictly*
in advance; Two Dollars and Fifty Cents if paid
throe months; after which Three Dollars
WIU bo charged. Those terms will be rigidly ad
hered to In every instance. No subscription clls
oontlnaod nntU all arrearages are paid, unless at
he option ot the Editor.
professional tfarfcs.
JOHN COBS MAN ,
attorney at law.
■ Office In building attached to Franklin Souse,
opposite the Court House, Carlisle, x a,.
June 4,1808.—ly
CHAS. E. MAGLAUGHLIN, Attor
ney at Law. Office In Building formerly
occupied by Volunteer, a few floors Sou tb of Hon
uon's Hotel.
' Deo. 1,1866. -
T7l E. BELTZHOOVER, Attorney
X* , and ConNSEnou at Law, Carlisle, Ponna,
office on South Hanover street' opposite Beutz s
Store. By special ariaugernont with the Patent
Office, attends to securing Patent Rights.
Doc. 1,1885. .
ri HERMAN GOETZ,
ATT O B N.E YATLA W,
NBWVILLB, PENN'A.
Patents, Pensions and other claims attended to.
May 28.1808.
p EO. B. EMI G,
ATTORNEY AT LAW.
No. 3 South Hanover street. Office with W. J
Shearer, Esq.
jVprll 80,1808. —ly. • : \ •.
TOHN B. MILLER, Attorney at
• I LaW- Office In Hannon's Building, opposite
tno Court House, Carlisle, Fa,
Nov. 14,1807,
JOHN .LEE, ATTORNEY AT LAW,
North Hanover Street, Carlisle, Pa.,
1' eb. 15,1800— iy.
TOHK.C. GRAHAM, ATTORNEY AT
• I Law. Office' formerly occupied by Judge
Graham, South Hanover street, Carlisle, Pcuua.
Deo.-1,1885.
TAMES A. DUNBAR, ATTORNEY at
Pj Law. Carlisle, Pouua. Offlbo a few doors
West of Haunou’s Hotel.
Dec. 1.1885.
MC. HERMAN, Attorney at Law.
. Office In Rheem’B Hall Building, In the
roar of the Court House, next door to the “Her
ald" Office, Carlisle, Pcuna.
DoOal, 1865.
J. U. WEAKLEY. W. F. SADLER.
& SADLER,
ATTORNEYS AT LAW,
NO. 18 SOUTH HANOVER ST.
_ Carlisle, Penn’a.
Deo. 10.18C7.--ly
TIT KENNEDY, Attorney at Law.
VV « Carlisle, Ponna. Office same as thutol
the “American volunteer,” South side of the Pub
lic Square.
Dec. 1 1860
U NITED STATES CLAIM
AND
HEAL ESTATE AGENCY!
WM. B. BUTLEK,
ATTORNEY AT LAW,
Office In 2d Story of InholTs Building, No. 3 South
Hanover Street, Carlisle, Cumberland county,
Ponua.
; Pensions, Bounties, Back Pay, «tc., promptly
collected. . ,
Applications by mail, will receive Immediate
attention.
. Particular attention given to the selling or rent
ing of Real Estate, In town or country, -in all let
ters of Inquiry, please enclose postage stamp.
. July 11,1867-11
r\R. GEORGE 8. SEARIGHT, Den-
I I TIBT. From the Baltimore Collcue of Dental
aiir{/erjj. Office at the residence of his mother,
East Louthe'r Street, three doors below Bedford,
Carlisle,Ponna. , .
Dec. 1,1885.
ittebical
A.
& TO NE S’
AROMATIC CORDIAL,
Ji SAFE, SPEEDY AND RELIAUEE CURE
’ FOR TUB WQBST OF
DIARRHCE A, ’
DYSENTERY,
CHOLERA,
PAINS OR CRAMPS THJNE
STOMACH OR BOWELS
This remedy has boon used with unparalleled
success in tho cholera seasons of 1882—1840 and
1854.
THOUSANDS OF DOTTLES HAVE BEEN SOLD
In Philadelphia; and references can also be giv
en to persona residing In this town—who have
used theme liolno and who speuK in tho high
est terms of Its
PROMPT AND EFFICIENT RELIEF.
PRICE FIFTY CENTS,
■nfrRPAHED ONLY DY THE PROPLETOIt AT
PM INC fP A L DEPOT,
'COBNEb DRUG STORE,
SHIPPENBBURG, PA.
For sale by
WM. CLARKE & SONS,
• LEES * ROADS.
COYLE & CO.,
U SOUTH HANOVER ST„ CAtILXELB.
HAVERSTICK, DRUGGIST,
S. A. 8 T O N E R ,
MIDDLE SPRING.
GELWICKB & CO., .
CHAMBERSBtJRG'
CRESSLER, DRUGGIST,
OHR3IBEBSBDRQ.
JOHNSON, HOLLOWAY &
COW DEN,
002ARCH8T., PHIEA.
AND DRUGGISTS GENERALLY,
March 6,1008.—cm
T»EAD THIS THROUGH!
rr MAY INTEREST YOU OR A FRIEND.
TO THE PUBLIC AND THOSE IN
TERESTED IN HORSES, CATTLE,
' '' HOGS, <to., &c.
THAT THE CELEBRATED DR. BARBER'S
HO R S E ,
CATTLE AND HOG POWDERS,
Prepared and sold by CYRUS BROWN. Druggist,
and Apothecary, Broadway, Upper Milton, Po,,
la the BEST IN THE WORLD.
- When tho Horse is In very bad condltlon r use
tlip following Physic first; • ,
r Wo Tablespoonsfai of tho Powder and One
Quart of Linseed oil. Mix and Drench.
remember the bed horbe,
On Each Pock and prepared as above.
THEdB POWDERS ore prepared from tbo or*
iglnai Dr. Darner’s Recipe, with additions from
tbo Recipes of tbe Best Horse Farriers in Europe
and America, together with the experience of the.
Proprietor of over Twenty Years with Horses and
Medicine. The following diseases are oared with
their use? -
All Stages of
Coagba^vnd
Even First Stages of
Glanders and
Farcy,
' Distemper, /
Gripes,
fcollo,
Inflamations,
‘> n. Jaundice or
Yellow
Water,
Hidebound, Removes Worms, &0., «to., &o.
These Powders by occasional use. say once or
twice per week, will be a preventive of disease,
when the animal does not como In contact with
nostril of the diseased Horso,
THEBE HORSE POWDERS
are a sure preventive and care for diseases so
common with chickens—Gapes, &c. Dibeotions.-
Mtx-ln corn meal. Aiao-Mlx with tbe Water
they drink. Feed It to your Stock, and they will
be healthy and fat
REMEMBER THE RED HORSE. ON EACH
PACK. TAKE NO OTHER.
F ° rSoIObI cORNMA.N Si WORTHINGTON.
No, 7 East Main At., Carlisle Pa.
Jan. 23,1868.—Cm
TRAIL PAPERS.
■- PAPE ft HANGINGS!
• AH lUUBKBE STOCK Off
WALL papers,
new AND ELEGANT STYLES
FOR PARLORS, HALLS, ETC,
WHOLESALE AND RETAIL,
- HOWELL & BOURKE’S, ;
. Oornorof Fourth and Market Utreete,
Aprils,isss,~&n ■ pwrr.ipnrip^r,.
®k, American • Ioluteer
BY BRATTON & KENNEDY.
jUfleDical.
HOOFLABD’S GERMAN BITTERS,
AND
Hooiland’s German Tonic.
Prepared by Dr. C. M. JAOKSOH,
rniLADELrnu, pa.
The Great Remedies for all Diseases
LIVER, STOMACH, OB
DIGESTIVE ORGANS.
Hoofland’s German Bitters
Is composed of the pure Juices (or, os they are medici
nally termed. Ex r==g tracts ) of Roots,
Horbsand Barks, Tnrjff making a prepara
tion, highly conccn If! jCJ trated, and entirely
f rr *£ rim Mfa s® admixture qf any
HOOFLAND’S GEEMAN TONIC,
Is a combination of all the Ingredients of the Bitters,
with the purest quality ot Santa Crus Rum , Orange,
eto.. making one of the most pleasant and agreeable
remedies ever ollercd to the public- .
Those prefcirlng a Medicine free from Alcoholic ad
mixture, will use
Hoofland’s German Bitters,
Id eases of nervous depression, when some alcoholl*
stimulus Is necessary,
HOOFLAND’S QERMAJT TONIO
should bo used.
The Bitter* or the Tonlo oro both equally good, and
contain the same mi'dlclnol virtues.
The stomach, from a variety of causes, such as Indi
gestion, Dyspepsia, Nervous Debility,
etc.. Is very apt-to ' have lu functions
deranged- Tno result vHL JtS of which Is, that the
patient suffers from several or more ol
the following diseases:
Constipation, Flatu\pnce, .Inward PUev,
Fulness of Blood to the Head, Aoidlty
of the Btom&cb, Nausea, Heart*
burn. Disgust for Food, trainees
or "Weight in the Stomach,
Sour Eructations, Sink
ins or Fluttering at the Pit
of the Stomach, Bwlmmlng.of
the Bead. Hurried or Difficult
Breathing, Fluttering at the 'Heart*
Ohoblmr or Suffocating Sensations when
in a Lying Posture, Dimness of -Vlsiont *•
Dots or Webs before the Sighta
Dull Pain In the Head, Deli*.-.
Olenoy of Perspiration, Yel
lowness of the Skin and
Eyes, Fain in _
- the Side* Baok.Obest,
Limbs, eto., (n Ji Sudden
Flashes of Heat. Burning*
in the Flesh, Constant Imaginings of Evil*
and Great Depression of Spirits.
These remedies will effectually cure Liver Complaint,
Jaundice, Dyspepsia. Chronic or Nervous Dom/lty-
Chronlr TMurrnica, Disease of the Kidneys, and all
Disease* arising from a Disordered Liver, Stomach, or
Intestines.
DEBILITY,
Resulting from any Cause whatever;
PROSTRATION CTF THE SYSTEML.
induced bv Severe Labor, Hard
ships, Eatposuro, Fevers, eto. .
There Is no medicine extant equal to these remedies
la such cnarv. A ton® nnd v|({op in lmpt»rtod“ur
whole System, the Appetite Is Strength
ened, food la enjoyed, 1H a w the stomach digest*
promptly, the blood JH? w pnrifipd, thp com?
B tenon nooom o » sound and healthy,
te yellow tinge Is eradicated from the eyes, a bloom
Is given to the cheeks, and the weak ana nervous in*
valid becomes a strong and healthy being.
Persons Advanced in Life,
feeling the band of time welching heavily upon
them, with nil he attendant Ills, will And In the use of
thle BITTERS, or the TONIC, an elixir that will
Instil new Ufe In o their veins, restore Id a measure
tho energy and ardor of more youthful days, huiid up
tholr shrunken forms, and glvo health and happiness
to tholr remaining years.
WOTIOB.
It Is a well-established fact that fully ono-Kalf of the
female portion of oar population are sel
dom In the enjoyment tW 1 , of good health ; of.
to aso their own ex JHn presslon, “ never feel
well.” They are lan bBbS guld, devoid of all
energy, extremely nervous, and have no appetite.
To this class of persons tho BITTERS, or tho
TONIC, la especially recommended.
WEAK AND DELICATE CHILDREN
Are made strong by the aso of cltherof these remedies.
They will cure every case of MARASMUS, without
tall.
Thousands of certificates have accumulated in the
hands of the proprietor, but space will allow of the
publication of nut a few. Those, It will bo observed,
are men of note and of such standing that they must
TESTIMONIALS.
Hon. Geo. W. Woodward,
’ Chitf Justice qfihe Supreme Court of Pa., wrltMt
' March 10,1837.
“I find‘Hoofland’* ’ . German Bitter* Ml
• good tonic, useful ffvk. In diseases of the
digestive organs, and of great benefit in
eases of dohllity, and »■ ■* want of nervous ac
tion In the system. Yours truly,
GEO. W. WOODWARD.”
Eon. James Thompson.
Judge of the Supreme Court of Pennsylvania,
Philadelphia , April 28, 1860.
**l consider • Hoofiand’s Gorman Bitter* ’ a valuable
medicine \n case of attacks of Indigestion or Dyspepsia.
Icon certify thia from my experience of It.
Yours, with respect,
JAMES THOMPSON.”
From Rev. Joseph H. Kennard, D. D.,
pastor of the Tenth Baptist Church, Philadelphia.
Dr. /ock«m—Dear Sir: I have been frequently re-
Quested to connect my name with recommendation*
of diflerenl kind* of medicines, out regnrmng tu« V ™>
UM* U'ont of my ep »== sa propriata sphere, 1
have in all cates de 11m | dined; bat with a
clear proof In vari- ISou* Instance* end
particularly In my fifi ** own family, of the
oaefulne** of Dr. uoofiand’a German Bitters,-1 depart
Cor onoe from my usual course, to express my full
conviction that, far general debility <f Ou system, and
ttpeeiaiiy for Diver Complaint, U4t a toft and valuable
preparation. In some cases It may fall: but usually, 1
doubt not, It will be very beneficial to those who suffer
from the above causes.
Yoon, very respectfully,
J. 13. KENNARD,
Eighth, below Coates 86.
From Eev. E. D, Fendall,
Editor Christian ChronicUy PhCadtlphia.
1 bave derived decided benefit from the ate of Hoof-
Und’*German Bluer*.and foel It my privilege tore*
commend them u ■ most valuable tonic, to all who are
nfibrlng from general debility or from dlacaaes arlilng
tea daxmogement ol the Uvor. Youra truly,
E. D. FSNDAU.
OitmoH.
Hooflaßd’eGenpaD Remedies are eounterfelted. Bee
that tbe signature of O. U. JACKBON
li os' tbe wrapper of tach bottle*
Ail other* are eotm 'JI W tertol.
Principal Office and • Mwinfactory
at tbe German yarUdna Btore, No. 681 AROH Streaty
Philadelphia.
OHABLES 30- CT&A2TB.
German Druggial, Proprietor, .
Formerly C. U. JaoKsoa A 00,
tor by m- and Dealers in Medicines.
naicrEis.
Hooflsnd’e German Bitten, per boltla 00
u u « half dozen ......... 600
Hooflsnd'a German Tonic, put up in quart tattles, 1 60
per bottle, or a half dozen for t fit
WSSF Do not forget to. examine well the artiale ft®
toy, In order to get the genuine* «
Jan.lßSb,—ly
iWlkal
THE AGE OF PROGRESS.
nY a. P. SI3ICIONB,
The age of rogues and swindlers,
Ncg>*o thieves all hall I
IVo carry on our thieving
By telegraph and rati.
No sluggish chains of conscience
Can hinder or delay
The cars of stolen plunder (thunder)
Northward on their way.
The ago of scionced roguery,
“Abstracting” quick as thought
The things wo have a mind to
Are sooner stole than bought.
No time no space can hinder,
When booty leads the way j
Vo Yankee thieves come flashing (dashing,)
Traitors, clear tho way I
The ago of grand deceptions,
By which we promulgate
Our own peculiar notions,
And plunder those wo hate.
Wo’ro building ofn. railroad
To tho Pacific shore,
And we’ll soon bo gathering (feathering)
Our nests with golden ore.
The ngo ot theft and robbery,
By which we have obtained
The goods of half the nation,
Where Ignorance long has reigned.
Our public thieves I—oh hail them!
They taught us how to steal,
And our noble youth aro learning (yearning)
To emulate their zeal.
fnlmcnl.
MAJER JIS DOWNING.
He Has a Talk with Hiram Sammy.
Hiram is badly Scared
■He Admits that he’s Gone Up.
WOSIIINGTON SITTY, JllllO 10. 180 S.
To Qovner Kernel Jcems Orr, ex-Confed
erate Senator, &0,, etc., of South (Mro
llna, and Capting Joe Brown, of Jorgy
Slate, both liadicals at present :
X)EER J EEMS and Joe : Let mo tell
my tale as it oomts, and then decade
what is to be did, and come on quick.
This mornin a little sharp-faced man,
in blue close, aholder straps and stripes,
nocked at the outside door of the White
House and Inquired if the President
was in. Bein told yes, he handed in a
a printed letter running somehow this
gate—l can’t give it verbatim ;
[Special Order No. 180 673 of this month's
servis.]
. lIEADQORTEIIS OF ALT. THE SOLUIEItS AND)
Armies or the Unity States y
WOSIIINOTON Juno 10,1808. J
To Majer Downing, at present detailed as
President, &c:
You aro hereby relieved from further
dooty ns President of the Unity States,
and will immejantly report at these
headqorters. Tho altered condition of
my prospex requires that every officer
in tlie army shall at once understand
Ins relnshuiia-to me, and govern himself
nccordenly. I shall be ready to receive
you at 10 A. M., to-day.
Hikum theGeeat,
General ritid Candidate, Ac., &c.
I was thunderstruck. What does he
mgan? sos Ito myself. lam no rela
shon of his. I wonder if all tho other
officers is. Does ho want mo to take
his place at the hed of the armies ? is
he goin to resign’ Is the country goin
to war again ? I will scon find out. So
off I went to tho hedqorters of the Gen
o al. He was smokin as usual, hut
leaked kinder puzzled about some
thing.
“ Majer,” ses ho, “have you moved
your things?”
“ From whar and to whar?” ses I.
“ From the WhitcHouso to these hed
qorters,” ses he.
“ 1 don’t understand yon ses I. “ Ex
plain yourself,”
“ Well,” ses he, “ I am runnin for
President. Proper subordination re
quires that all army officers shall vote
for me themselves, and cause their men
to follow soot. 1 shall expect all to do’
so, or lose their rashuns and places.—
You are a Majer, and I need not remind
you that dooty requires you to buckle
on your armor in my behalf.”
“ General.” ses I, “ I am took at a
non pics, hors an comonr. I'don’t
know what to say.” 4
Ses he, “ I was Dominated for a pur
pose, and th-t was to be elected and this
can only be done by my usin my in
fluence on all in ray power. You know
the array is in my power, tho District
Commanders nro jit my power, the
Freednmnls Bufo is in my power j the
clothin department and feeding rooms
are all under mo; the regesterin boards
and sivii officers are all under mo; all
the officers of tho- army and navy, nil
sivii officers in, and every boddy out of
of office is lookiu to mo , for close and
vittles, and they must vote ‘solid,’ as
Govner Weils says, or walk the plank.
Therefore, sir, you have been relieved
fro .1 further dooty at tho White House,
and will stay reported qt these Jtetl
qorteis.”
“General,” ses I, “ my time Is not out
at the White House till 4th March next.
Andy is a very agreeable assistant in
my arduous' dooties thar, and good
faith to my constituents requires that I
shall stay thar till relieved by the peo
ple. So, sir, you must really excuse me.
The Republican party have, it is true,
taken from our shoulders most of the
burdens that Old Hickory and I yused
to bear, blit we still find constant em
ployment. Andy’s time Is taken up
given audience to the Radicals dissatis-.
fled with the Shecawgo platform and
nominations, and while he is receivin
such company I have to administer the
government, execute the laws, and en-
I tertain furrin ministers.”
“ And do yon dure to tell mo to my
face,” sea the General, jnropin up and
pnllin off his dote, “ that you will not
obey my Special Order Jvb.'“180,673, of
this date, monthly series V"
“Murder! murder!!” shouted I.
“ Hush i hush 11 hush 111 Majer, if
you please hush I I won't hurt you 1 I
won't hurt you I Please don’t make a
fuss, or the police will jug me in the
same bunk whar Dan Sickles' used to
roost, (See history pf t\|s trial, it is
most as ibterestin novel, and he
made up with her agin after all 1) Give
me your commission, sir,” ses lie,
“ I have no commission,” ses I, “Gen
eral Jackson neyer'did finish it before
the nullification stopped and:peace.was
restored. X never laid one,’.’
“It is good for you that you have
none. I would take it away, put you
in the ranks, and then order the ranks
to Alaska beforesunset. But,” and the
General hung down his hed and thunk.
After a while he lifted it up, the tears
wererunnin down his gaws among his
goatee—“ but, Majer, I have gone 100
far with yon, 1 am sorry for what X
have said and did. Will yon pardin
me?” ses he,
“In cose I willsea I. •
“Give ns your hand, then,” ses the
General, “and let’s beifriends.”
So, after shakin, he put on his cote
agin, put his arm around my neck, and
sorter buggln me, sot down, and sed:
“ Majer, yon hinted that some of the
Republicans were dissatisfied with the
CARLISLE, PA., THURSDAY, JULY 16.1868.
Shecagow platform and nominations.
Who arc they and what do they say?”
“Genneral,” ses I, “I am a man of
honor ; I can’t make a breech of confi
dence, I can’t call names; but if you
wish it I will tell a few of the reasons
why yon are objected to.”
The Genneral nodded his hed, and I
went on:
“Cords of Radicals are dssatisfled be
cause the plaflorm is a backdown from
the principles of the party; becaus it has
two faces, one lookin North, painted
white, and the other lookin South,
painted black. They say this resulted
from the cowardice and dishonesty of
tho tricksters that planted it and put it
up; tin t it is a mlxtrey of truth and
lies, specially lies, and is a disgrace to’
tho party and nashon.”
“/didn’t make that platform,” scs
the Genneral, “ I want thnr (but Par
was. Do you know tho old man ?) and
1 ain’t to blame about it.”
“ You have approved it,” ses X,“‘ and
so say the malcontents.” «
• 44 woshbon and the committee made
me do (hat, ” sea the Genneral. “ They
said t’\Vas all right, and they right my
letter for me. 1 wish they were at the
old scratch. I knew they were goin to
run me before they were done. But go
on, Miyer,”
“Then,” ses I, “ your order bauishin
Jews from your lines durin the war;
your hostelity to furriners and Catho
lics; your approval of the murder of
Mrs. Surratt, a poor innocent woman ;
your hull-headed pertinacity in “ peg
ging away” against Confederate batter
ies,while your troops were bei*,g slain
by the thousands, without any advan
tage to compensate for bo much loss;
your drunkenness and etupidity” —
“stop, stop,” shouted the Genneral.
“ Do they accuse mo of all those things ?”
“ To bo sure they do,” says I. “ and a
heepmore. They.say you snubbed the
Hon. Samuel Kelso, a colored gentle
man at Richmond, who came on a com
mute from the convenshon siltin ihur
to welcome you to the sitty, and would I
not invite mm in and drink witli him
in your bar-room with the other gentle
men.
“ The devil they do,” ses the Genncr
al. “Do met/; sura miff, Miyer ?
I nodded. The Genuerayield down
ids hed again between his Trees. , Pres
ently ho began to grunt. I thought he
had the toothache, and began to reel in
my pocket tor my keep pipe for him to
smoko for it. It seemed to got worse.
Ho Began to groan, and then he bursted
out, “800-hoo—hoo-hoo—boo-hoo! O
lordy! Olordyi I am ruined! lam
ruined 1 J shall never get over it in all
the world!”
“ Take a little cloriform,” ses L “ pnd
rub your jaw with apidUdoe, find binds
yarn rag around it, and put a hot iron
to it, and maybe your misery will got
easy,”
“Oh, plague on your opidildoo and
warm rags,” ses he; “lalnt gotuojaw
ako, but‘the cat is out of the bag.’ The
Sle have found it out on me, and X
be beaten to death in the elec
shon.”
“ I knowed that all the time,” ses I
“ every boddy knowed that the Bhe
cawgo Convenshon would have nomi
nated a Radicalpoliti&honer like Wade,
or Butler, or Thad Stevens, if they had
not known that there was to be no show
before the people for any Radical , and
they have only pitched on you because
they say you aint sma?t t and will take a
tmmi cmoci burner, and will
hold the potty together sorter tor Ino
next term.”
“But they shan’t make no tool of
me,” ses the Genneral. “ I wdn’t sub
mit to it. I wifi quit the establishment
and go into the democrat party, and
try and get thar norpinashon 100. Do
you think I could ue elected if I had
both norainashons?” ses ho.
“ Hardly,” ses I. “ Tho people don’t
want you, The people have determined
to elect a first class man of sense —a man
as knows something—a man as is a
man, ‘ for all that.’ ”
“Then I am out,” ses he, “Write
my Miyer.” •
“ Git Washbon to do it.” ses I, Be
put you in j let him tako you out,”
Mugor, ses* he, “ X am tired of
Washbou and his committy. Can’t
you stay with mo at nites, after your
work at the White Hou a e is over, and
protect me from Washbon and his
click. Them fellers will kill me. They
treated me like a baby*?!
“ I can%”*ses I.* “ Andy and I are
sworn friends, and I can’t leave him.”
“Let mo have you ad interim ses
he.
“No sir,” ses I; “ that is a word- that
bothers mo. I fear another impeach
ment committee. That is a dangerous
word, Genneral; don’t whisper that, it
makes my flesh crawh They liked to
imve us on that trial. My gracious! I
was locked up in tho closet so long to
keep way from the Sheriff, that the Cob
webs ih my bar ariclihe dust
gathered around my eyes till I didn’t
know my own pictcr in the looking
glass, I was afeeftl of boiu summoned
before the committee as a witness. —
Don’t say ad ititerim to me.”
“ What is it to be done, then ?ses he;
sheak quick.”
“Send for Kernel Orr and Capting
Brown. They like chances in the lot
tery business. They will go in with
you on shares ; tako an interest in your
chance to get what t]ie present Radical
Congress leaves unspent; T dp riot care
to speculate in contingent renminent
dependent on so improbable an event
as your election. They will comfort
you, I can’t stay any longer. Farweli,
Genneral.Divide chances with Orr.—
Write *o them for. me, and tell them to
come on.”
Deer Jeemes, you and Joe come on;
tho Genneral is goin up the spout fast;
come too his bussora bcfor 'lt ’ls top late.
Yours,' ‘‘l’''
Majer Jack Downing,
' • t£c., <fcc.
THE RADICAL PLATFOII.II.
Gold for the bondholder—greenbacks
for the farmer, the mechanic and the la
borer.' ,fr
Puspenslon of the liberty of the press
and freedom of speech.
Suppression of habeas corpus and en
thronement of the military over the civil
power. ...
of ten States to military de
pendencies under the rule of heartless and
brutal satraps like Sickles, Sheridan,
Canby and Meade.
Removal of white officials and the sub
stitution qf plggers therefor.
The overthrow of constitutional free
dom and the establishment of a military’
despotism.
The political elevation of the brutal and
half savage negro over the white man.
The inauguration of a war of races and
the destruction of the most fertile portion
of the Republic.
The oppression of the working classes
and the final overthrow of white citizen
ship by the rule of the bayonet.
Tu*-' Rump.—The bill admitting Arkan
sas was passed ovei the President's veto,
and the Senators and members were ad*
milled. In the House, Mr. Young, De
mocratic .member from Kentucky, was
turned out of his seat, and McKee ad
mitted. The former had 1479 majority at
the polls. The. House fixed the tax on
at 60*cents a gallon. The act
making eight hours a day’s work for la
borers and apechauics m Government
employ, pdssedflne Senate. The bill ad*
milling tlip.Bautbern States was passed
over ihe* President’s veto? The .consider
ation of the to* bill occupied much of the
tim'd''of the House during the week, but
no definite conclusion was arrived at.
A LKSBON lOU TIIK BUNB OF TOll**
Tho Conservative press has over and
over again dilated on the crimes of Radi-*
callsm and exposed In burning words the
evils it has inflicted on the country. But
perhaps one illustrative example of Its
workings would have, more effect than
any amount oljgeneral denunciation.
Ten years ado a Now York artiznn oc
cupied part ol a comfortable house up
town—plain, substantial, well built, lack
ing modem improvements so-called, but
roomy and we)l vcntilatcd«-a homo to
live in, not a place In which to*stow
furniture and qlepp of nights. His wife
and children ifere happy and healthy
looking, and there was as much genuine
independence and comfort in that unpre
tending domicile ns ever dwelt within
lour walls. /
Day ufter'day went by, adding to their
comforts and detracting nothing from
their happiness, the beloved monotony ol
their eveiyday life scarcely ruffled by an
incidont/or disturbed by a doubt.
Work- was plenty, wages good, taxes
light, food cheap and abundant, clothing
reasonable and rent possible to pay.
They enjoyed the present, and, looking
forward to the future, saw in it but a re
flex of the past.' An uneventful life you
will say. Yes, but happiness is not de
pendent on events; feeling, not incidents,
Ih the gquge by which it is measured.—
I bey were free from carking cares and
harassing doubts, free from vague dread
of the future, free from Jgnpb.le ambition
and free from sordid hankering after
wealth.
Industry and content shed their being
influence dVer that dwelling, and an air
of natural refluement pervaded all its
simple appointments. That was ten
years ago.
(Since that time our artlzau has worked
Incessantly, at first with the energy that
springs from hope, afterwards with the
grim resolution born of despair.
How is he now ?
In what condition is his family ?
What is his home like?
What are his prospects for the future?
A woru-ont, broken-spirited uppi, de
feated in the great life-struggle with fat<?
and fortuue, not from any fault of his
own, not from cowardice In the strife,
nor from lack of persistence. Crowded
into ono of theso mantraps of modern in
vention called tenement houses, he is to
day without a hope of the future.
Ho was conscripted during the war.
and a great part of his savings went in
commutation money. A second , time
luck went against him, and substitutes—
not a settled sum of money—being requir
ed, bo had to pay dear for a proxy.-
Wealthy men were in the field substitute
hunting; patriots who loved their coun
try, and bled freply Rum their pockets
for its defence, raiSpd the value ofthe ar
ticle, and food for powder became dearer
aud dearer.
At last he procured a substitute, but at
the sacrifice of all his savings. Then
came peace, aud with it slagnai ion in bu
siness, hard times and high rents.
Work grew scarcer, provisions became
higher and higher, and Radical legisla
tion, keeping the country in a constant
ferment, precluded all possibility of im
provement. Lower ana lower sank our
artizan : and now, smitten with poverty
and sickness, and driven to the wall, he
keeps up with sullen fortitude and dumb
despair his unavailing struggle against
fortune.'
And while he and others Jiko him have
grown poorer, the yioU have waxed rich
er, and bondholders, a new, purse-proud,
privileged class, have sprung up in the
country.
While he and others like him have
nlrlvon by Uuuo«l InduaVry to -wtcal o. liv
ing from the world, tllthy, lazy negroes
have been supported in idleness, and the
overburdened free labor of ' the North
crushed to the earth that emancipated
(Southern slaves may bo exempt from la
bor.
Every freedman supported at the ex
pense of the country Is bo much taken
Irom tho pockets'of the working muu,
just as clearly so us if Sambo's dusky Un
gers had abstracted it from that recepta
cle. What matter through how many
bauds it posses, if it reaches his at last?
The home of tho Northern anizian is
denuded of every comfort in order that
Radical pets'may be comfortably housed ;
bis children are poorly clothed in order
that piccaninnies of every hue, black,
tan and cofiee-colored may be decently
clad. This is tho groat end ol radical
legislation.
Congress is run in the interest of Da
homey; and for the debasement of.the
white man and the elevation of the ne
gro the whole governmental machinery
of the United States is put in motion—an
unnatural tusk but fortunately lor tho
country, an impossible one. , The work
ing men of the North will rebuke it at
the prdper time and place.
This Full will see the utter rout of the
whole radical concern; oven if they
should come in with the apple blossoms,
they will go out with the leaves, Lot
every Northern working ‘man expedite
their departure
Irreverent. —lt is well known, Bays
tho Age, that General Grant’s paternal
ancestor recently published a series of
silly letters in the Now York Ledger ,
giving particulars of the early life of
Ulysses, where he attempted to illustrate
the truth of the familiar line that “tall
oaks from little acorns grow.” As the
Democratic Committee have been urged
to publish these epistles in the shape of
a campaign document; the manipulators
of the General have bubonic frightened ut
the prospect, mid now propose to ‘‘go
back” on “ the old gentleman” and repu
diate his earnest utterances in behalf of
his son. The first step in this movement
is tiie following paragraph, which was
copied Into a Radical journal of this city
yesterday afternoon, and which Is to bp
followed, we learn, by the immediate
“ impeachment” of the spplor Grant:
TIIE.LIEE QV GENERAL GRANT.
In reference to the biography of Gen
erali Grant, written by his father, and
published In the New York Ledger , the
Washington correspondent of the Cincin
nati Gazette says;
“ Intense silliness of some things in the
account of General Grant’s early life,
communicated by his father t;o tho Now
York Ledger, has prqyo.kGl general dis
pleasure. Jastipe to the General requires
the statement that ho made every proper
efibrt to prevent their publication. It is
now understood, that bo has quite recent
ly made such peremptory representations
as will be apt to stop tbelr appearance.”
The Springfield (O.) Advertiser (Rad.)
says the Grant biography “ is nauseous
to us, aud wo think it will do -little ta
kindle for the bafo of the
Wilderness. There is no use in trying
to figure the General into genius. We
have. kiiotYri many a boy who could ride'
a mule well. Riding a. mule does not
qualify a man for President. The argu
ment for Grant begins with the war, and
i was concluded when Lee surrendered.—
Foolish Bonner would much better have
allowed old Father Grant to remain reti
cent.”
Short of Funds. —Things look rather,
blue for Grunt. - Thu economy which' the
Radicals talk so much about, is to be seen
only ou paper. They are trying to cover
up the financial affairs of the govern
ment, as much as possible, but it has
leaked out that there are curtain trouble
some deficiencies in various departments.
The deficiency In the Paymaster Gencr
•ul’s office- is only $25,000,000- Congress
endeavored to secure popularity by vot
ing large bounties to soldiers, and at the
game time avoid the charge of profligacy
by not appropriating the necessary funds.
Hence the enormous .deficiency in tl\s
War department. The Internal Re venue
Department wi)| fgll thirty-five millions
belo\v Mr. Hoilfn's estimate. This hast
ened the Commissioner’s resignation.—
To alttbis will soon be added the fearful
deficiency in the Post-Office Department,
the accounts of which have not balanced
since the 81st of December.
Tho lion. Hlchard O’Gormnn on National
Affairs.
The Hon. Richard O’Gorman address
ed the Young Men’s Executive Commit
tee of Tammany Hall, at Masonic Hull,
lost night. Mr. Anderson, the President
ofthe Committee, introduced Mr. O’Qor
man, who on stepping upon the platform,
was received with applause, and remark
ed that the times are critical. Events,
new and unexpected, follow each other
with startling rapidity. The signs of the
storm seen thirty years ago were true in
dicators of the one that has burst upon
us. In days gone by political quarrels
were fought with a certain noise and bus
tle, but after election time things were as
before; and though demagogues might
bluster abd rail, all bowed to the map-s
-ty of the Jaw. All this Is changed. The
question to-day is not whether one paily
shall get the better of the other, but
whether one party shall absorb the whole
weight of political Influence and power
into Itself. Wo are in the midst of a
revolution, and how far it may go uo man
can tell. This is no party question no
sectarian question ; it is one that lies
deep in the heart of every man and ap
peals to every party and to every sect.—
The life of the Radical Republican party
is in danger; that party controlling the
Congress of the United States is on its
trial before the country. It appeals to
its past conduct for support in the fulffre.
And what lias the party done to justify
this appeal? It should be tried imparti
ally, candidly, even kindly, but without
fear or favpr. Some sources of. national
Industry have entirely died out within
the last few years. In Maine in seven
years shipbuilding, for which it was
once noted, has decreased to ouo third its
former extent with a loss of about $14,-
000,000 to the trade. The carrying trade
of New York, whose ships ouoe doited
the ocean, is in the hands of British com
merce; it would almost worn as though
.the Government favored the increase of
the latter to the detriment of our own
oceanic trade. It is taxation which pre
vents us competing with other nations
either in shipping or carrying; that taxa
tion must cease or we shall be ruined.—
The speaker referred to the breaking mu
ofthe Rebellion and to its close. Never
was submission more frank or complete
than that of the Southern States at the
termination of the war. That the people
were honestly desirous of seeking all re
dress by honest industry, ami thus to re
frain the ravages o( the struggle no sane
man could doubU It was to the interest
of the North that they should have been
allowed to die so. All Congress hud to do
was to let the law deal with' the South
ern people, but with Southern States it
had nothing to do. There was enough
to do (o repair the financial ruin existing
in the North, and to have let the South
alone to the task of reconstruction, aided
by the muscular power of the black man,
directed py the mental strength of the
white. -Hud this been done, the South
ern States with restored fertility and in
dustry, would be blossoming like a rose.
He adverted to the military government
of the South, comprising 50,000 men, and
costing the people $100,000,000 annually.
This it was that makes flour so and
rents so high. And why hi this standing
army kept up? Simply that a faction
of the people of the United States should
gbverp tbo South, os England rules Ire
land or Russia reigns in Poland. For we
must not think our Government has the
meiituf originality; it but commits old
sins under new names. The speaker al
luded to the Freed men’s Bureau, the re
sult of whiclf, he thought was to utterly
demoralize the black man iu the South
and make bim uulU for any useful pur
{utoo. TUlo Vv»a«ry uusls us unout $30,-
000,000 a year, ho was told. The stand
ing army and thoFreedmen’s Bureau are
supported by the Radical Republican
party because without them this party,
which has never represented more than a
fraction of the United States would Jose
its power. The address concluded by an
earnest appeal to the Young Men’s Ex
ecutive Committee of Tammany Hall to
organize themselves for the coming Pres
idential election.
No Roller for tabor or In<lustrj-..Renc
nctlon from itaoicnlUm In
New JEiiffionU.
Tho Rump Congress devoted several
hours on the 17th to the discussion of re
viving our now all but totally annihi
lated mercantile marine.
Tho Now England members were par
ticularly lachrymose. They spoke of
deserted shipyards, tho decay of a once
flourishing commerce, and especially
the monopoly by foreign ships, of the
onco valuable passenger trafilc which
American ships and American vessels
participated so freely in days gone Uv.
Some of them appealed for lower Tin
ties on iron, copper, timber, cordage,
hemp, aiu\ other tilings that euier into
tiie construction of ships and steamers,
on the ground that it would tend to re
vive ship building,but provideemploy
ment for hundreds of thousands of
American mechanics and workingmen
who at present had nothing to do.
. It was of no use. The Thieves and
Plunderers who had but a day or two
before voted to take two millions of dol
lars from the public treasury, in order
to add to the salaries of tlioir male and
female parasites in the galleries, voted
Mo! no! pel
.Labav' and industry begged in vain
, for a hearing. But tho Bondholders,
the Big Bounty Robbers, the Shoddy
National Bank interest; the Greenback
Aristocracy, and tno High Tariff swin
dlers—all of whom go to make up die
Radical party proper—wore ns deaf as
adders. They would not hear.
And so mined commerce must stay
ruinep a while longer. Prostrate in
dustry must .continue prostrate yet a
little space. The poor man must he
patient, and try and pick Up theciumhs
that fall from the bloated Radical rich
titan’s table, with as little murmuring
ns possible. He and nil other ot thcop.
■pressed must bide their time. That
lime now, it js a consolation to know, is
not far oil. It will he hero in Novem
ber,
■lt is a good sign to hear and to sec (he
New: England Radicals thus-'squinu
over the desolation and ruin which
have overtaken their material inten sts
through tho operation of tho diylm i,-.d
policy of which they have thoiu.--c..es
Leon tho blind and persistent sup;-'it
ers. If they am now getting their eyes
open, and aro beginning really lo re
pent, so much Jtho better.- It will help
op the reaction which is bound to turn
over the electorial votes of several of
the New England States to the Demo
orati’c candidate for President.
Letter from Senator Sumner.
Itiemroxu, June 25.—The following
letter has been written by Senator Sum
ner to a citi/.eu of Norfolk :
.Senate Cham her, June 22, 180 s—
. ,SVVI have your letter of the Btli,
In reference to the eligibility of a colored
man to Congress. I know of no ground
on which ho could be excluded from 4iis
sent, if duly elected, and I -should wel
come the election of a competent repre
sentative of the colored race to either
house of Congress ns the dual triumph of
the cause of equal rights. Till this stop
is taken, our success is incomplete.
Yours truly, .
Charles Sumner.
Let white freemen mark the tenor of
thU l«‘Lter. Sumyer, the great leader of
the Hn'th'ti 1 * in the Senate, would wel
come a negro Representative or negro
Senator. VutU thick-lipped and wouly
headed negroes sit lu Congress, the suc
cess of radicalism will not bo complete.
\yill while men support and vote for the
"party that enforces equality with negroes.
“ Let ns have peace,” says Grant,
with his heel ou the neck of the South
and his hand in the purse of the North.
YOL. RS-NO. 5.
POLITICAL N4IUIBS.
THEhiuh desttny for which Butler is
reserved—the gallows,
—A Michigan editor wants to know
who this “001. Fox is they’ve nominated
with Grant.”
Ben Butler does not resemble apple
blossoms so much as he does apple sauce.
Prentice speaks of Ben Wade as hav
ing his cheeks distended with oaths, like
a squirrel’s with a hickory nut.
» Why !s Ben Butler like procrastina
tion? Because he Is “the thiof ol
time”—at« als watches.
As impeachment is finally abandoned,
Butler’s prophesies piove just as bad as
his morals.—A r . Y. Express,
A great excitement will take place
next November—Hiram U. fc>. Grant will
be politically annihilated.
A correspondent says iho joint of
Grant's right thumb is crooked. Humor
supplements the story by assigning a fre
quent crook to his elbow.
The greatest conundrum of the age:
The Chicago platform. Nobody cun find
it all out.
There is one time that Butler should
bo able to whistle to perfection —the
Rogues' March.
The negroes of Florida, knowing their
decided majority, are insisting upon a
division of the olllcos, much to the disgust
of the Bureau agents.
• The only souls possessed by the Radi
cal Congressmen are the soles of their
shoes, They are evidently now in want
of u good welting and leathering.
Radical politicians, it is said, are
studying geography, but every map they
examine has, slruugo to say, a “ suit riv
er” on it.
Very singularly, while General But
ler was investigating Woolely lu Wash
ington, a jewelry store in Now Orleans
was robbed. ‘
Gen. Grant passed one day during
the past week without talking horse.—
His friends are, in consequence, greatly
alarmed about his mental cQßuition.
It issald there aro nodrunkards in Yed
do, Japan. Grant don’t intend to stop
there after his passage up Salt River.
Ben Butler has not 3’et been arrested
for stealing. That will be attended to af
ter the next Presidential election, unless
ho should In tho meantime leave for
pprts unknown, s
A New England horse show will be
held at New Haven next September.—
General Grant should be Invited, and it
Is hoped tho Mare of the city will be pres
ent.
The burglars of Illinois steal the car
pets oil tho floors of churches. There
were lolal patriots who went further than
that, and who stole the sacred vessels of
sliver.
A Radical member of Congress has
got oll’u first class conundrum by inquir
ing if free trade is good for Maine, why
is it not good for the whole country ?
Ben Wade has lost the power of speech
since the impeachment fizzled out. It is
said that he’s ’wenrln away, and al
though he can’t talk ho thinks “ damn”
all tho time.
There is going to be a big grass crop
in Pennsylvania this. year. Then the
Slat© will be in the hey-day of Us pros
perity. What do you think of that?
It costs Brazil ten dollars for every
cannon ball. That’s nothing. It costs
us half a million of lives anft three thou
sand millions of dollars to patch up a
Union that is worse now than ever it
was.
The authorities of Buffalo are enfor
cing the ordinance which uiakes.il a*
punishable offence to use profane lan
guage in the street. It won’t do for
swearing Ben Wade to make his appear
ance in tljat town,
A Philadelphia paper says: “Why is
it that when cows stand knee deep in
grass the price of butter should be fifty
live cents a pound?” Give it up. Let
some sharp reader of the Camjiaign Rec
ord take up the conundrum for us.
A colored clergyman, once of Philadel-
Shia, is uominaied to the State Senate of
Ilssislsppi from Hinds Co., but declines.
Sensible darkey. He knows well the
whole uflair is not only in a state of de
cline, but will soon, be in. a state of col
lapse.
The climax of impudence has been
reached by those renegade Democrats,
liutler ami Sickles, in their effort to read
Fessenden and Trutubullout.of the Rad
ical party. This, however, Is always the
way with apostates.
“ Com;E here, sissy,” said a yonug gen
tleman ton little girl to whose sister ho
was paying his addresses; “you are the
sweetest little thing on earth.” “ No, I
ain’t,” she replied. “Hister says you
are the sweetest.” The gentleman pop
ped the question next day.
Old Pa-pa Grant was not allowed to
finish the lileof his son. He was stopped
half way In the operation; but the w«n v ,
will be completed before next November.
Won’t somebody in St. Louis who knew
the tanner send us'on a chapter of his
biography? Tho public want to know
all about him, you Know.
Of the seventeen papers in Maryland,
only two support the negro suffrage dis
organizes. Well, the Chicago platform
gives them no comfort on’tlnu score. It
leaves the question to he settled by tho
States that is, all except those of the
South.
XIKAHLEY, the nigger jail-bird, has been
elected to the Georgia Senate, But what
of that? Is not Butlera member of Con
gress, and Dun Sickles a shining light?
The term of another colored Georgia leg
islator is not yet served out in the
prison. He’s an exponent of great, mor
al ideas.
It Is only one thousand dollars a min
ute— that’s all. Just that Utile sum is
required to keep the Radical Govern
ment goimr, the Freedmeii’s Ruivuu in
operation and olllciul thieves in pocket
money and fine houses. Who wouldn’t
be a loyal leaguer? Who wouldn’t bo a
patriotic Radical and who wouldn't pre».
for u nigger to a white man ? .
Tub Ann Arbor Journal strikes th.e
following balance sheet for the people to
ponder upon Registering negroes ami con
ducting fcitate elections, $20,000,000 ; the
army in the South, $50,000,000; the ne
gro bureau, $00,000,000; total, $lBO,OOO,
000. Who pays this $180,000,000? White
laboring men of the North. What ad
vantage is derived from such payments ?
0001 000011 OUOUOI ! ! 000000 Ml!
One morning a pompous little man
called upon Sydney Smith, saying that
being about to commence a'history of
distinguished lamlllos in Somersetshire,
he had called to obtain the Smith arms.
“I regret, sir,” said the reverend wit,
“my inability to contribute to so valua
ble a work; but the Smiths never hud
any arms, ami have invariably sealed
their letters with their thumbs,”
We believe that “blood Is thicker than
water,” and that the white people of the
North and West will not permit their
oft-., blood at the South to be ruled and
domineered over by the Calicos and Sam
bos of the Southern States, merely that
the crew of lawless agitators and malig
nant desperadoes at Washington may
rule tli© councils of the nation. The day*
is already beginning to break in upon
the Insulted ami oppressed and
we have great faith in the ability aud de
termination of the American people to
rescue the Government from thu hands
of those who oppress and insult Ui. — Au
gusta (<?a.) Sentinel*
Kates for
advkrtisemsntv will be inserted at Ten Cents
per line for the first Insertion, and five cents
per line for each subsequent Insertion. Quar
terly .half-yearly, and yearly advertisements in
serted at a liberal reduction on the above rales.
Advertisements should be accompanied by the
Cash. When sent without any length of time
specified for publication, they wiU be continued
until ordered out and charged accordingly. ,
JOB PRINTING.
Cards, HAimninuß, Cmcunoafl, and every oth
er description or Jon ana ti/inu P-inttna stmo.
led lathe neatest stylo, at low prices.
ODDS AND ENDS.
—A high rent—a hole in the crown of
your hat.
—Bank notes—the song of a cashier.
—A tricky fellow—a successful. card
player.
—Something always on hand—your
thumb.
—A cure for indigestion—get elected to
the Huugar-lan Diet.
, —When does a criminal resemble an
old book ? When he is bound over.
—“ Don't swear, boy ; you will never
catch any Hah.,’ “ I’ll swear if 1 don’t,
you bet.”
—The height of impudence taking
*hetter from the ruin in an umbrella
shop.
—What flower Is most esteemed by a
gentleman’s servant? The liiiy of the
valet.
—lt is a mistake to suppose the sun is
supported in the skies by its beams.
—The greatest portrait painter—a fash
ionable belie. She paints her own luce.
—The man who couldn’t u trust hi B *
feelings” is supposed to do business strict*
ly on ready money principles.
—Notes that understood by all, wheth
er musicians or not —bank notes.
—Harriet Beecher Stowe has left Flori
da. Hapy Florida. How is Mrs. Beech
er’s toe ? ,
—Why is tho thread mill like a true
convert? Because its turning is the re
sult of the man’s conviction.
—The height of politeness Is. passing
around upon the opposite of a lady, when
walking with her, in order not to step
upon her shadow. *
—Tho fish In Lake Chaubuugogungo
gomaug are said to choke in trying to
tell where they Jive. *
—An enterprising western paper has
adopted a new plan of publishing 41 mar
riages in prospect.” -
—A tailor' who, while skating, fell
through the Ice, declared that he would
never again leave his hot goose for a cold
uuck. ,
—** The Lay of the Lost Hen,” a now
poem by. tho author of tho foul deed.
—A photographer in Gloucester, Mass,,
was astonished by a young woman who
enmo to ask, meekly and innocently:
“ How long does it take 10 get a photo
graph after you leave your measure?”
—Why should physicians have a great
er horror of the sea than anybody else?
Because they are liable to see sickness.
John Bright says that “ considering
what it now costs a man lo get into Par
liament, M. P. must mean money pow
nr.”
—At a wedding, one of the guests, who
is often a little absent-minded, observed
gravely, ”1 have often, remarked that
there bus been more women than men
married this year,
—Half of Europe has sore throat. Wo
hope too much coughin' won’t bring it to
its coffin. This Is a Jo-ak on a grave sub
ject.
—A fort Woyno (Ind.) gander charged
upon a couple of timid young ladies and
frightened them into convulsions. Was
it with, or without feathers?
41 How long did Adam remain in Para
dise before he hud sinned? asked an ad
mirable carasposaoi her loving husband.
“ Till he got a wife,” answered the hus
band, calmly,
—During the session of a county court
a witness was asked if be was not a hus
bandman, when ho coolly replied, amid
tbo laughter of tho court, “No, sir, I'se
not married.”
—During a series of wet days, a gentle
man ventured to congratulate his umbi el
la maker. '* Yes, that’s all very well,,
sir,” he replied ; “ but then there’s noth
ing whatever doing In parasols.”
—At a county lair In New Jersey, a lib
tie boy, who was running about bawling
loudly, was asked why lie cried so,-the
following reply touched all hearts; “I
want my mammy; that's what’s the mat
ter. I told, tho darned, thing she’d lose
me.”
—A gentleman at an eating house ask
ed tho person next to him if he would
please to pass the mustard. “ Sir.” said
the man, “do you take me for a waiter?”
4t Oh no, sir,” was tho reply, “ I mistook
you for a gentleman.”
—A barrister opened a case somewhat
confusedly. Mr. Judge Maule interrupt
ed him. “I wish, Mr. , you would
put your fkets in some order; chronolo
gical order is tho best, but 1 am not par
ticular. Any order you like —alphabeti-
cal order.” '
—Lord Eldon, although a great stick
ler for tho church, seldom ,or never at
tended public worship. A pnrasftespoko
of him to a friend as a “pillar of tho
church.” “ Say, rather, a buttress,” was
theieply; “ foryou noverseehim inside.”
—A married couple has recently been
discovered in Chicago, who have actual
ly b«eu living together for ton years, and
never applied for a divorce. Barnum is
about concluding an arrangement to ex
hibit them.
—Marriages on horseback are of fre
quent occurrence at the West. They
may properly bo called bridle ceremo
nies. How about their being caught in
a shower of rein.
—Two prisoners were lately acquitted of
a theft. Tho Lord Chief Justice told them
not to come there again, or they might
not bo so fortunate. ’One of the prisoners
said, “No, my Lord; weshould not have
come now If we had not been brought.”
A cockn y being out one day, amusing
himself with shooting, happened to lire
through a hedge. The.shot missed the
bird, but struck the bat of a.man on the
other side, who hastily asked";' “ Did you
tire at me sir?” “Oh no sir,” was the
reply, “ I never hit what I aim at.”
“ Wonder what makes papa tell sm-h
nice stories,” said a youngster, “ about
biding the schoolmaster’s >attan, when
he went to school, and about his running
awav from the school mistress when she
was going to whip him, then shut me all
day in the dark room because I tried just
once to be as smart as ho Was."
The Negro Worry of the Radi
cals. —The negro down South begins to
worry the Radicals, as much ns lie wor
ried the Democrats,—for while the pre
vious news from Southern negro.Georgia
set them to thinking, the later news from
Mississippi has given them affright. Is
Sambo, “ a man audit brother,” to forget
the carpet-bugger? Is Cuffe to ignore
the Yankee? Cana negro be a Demo
crat? Certainly,—for the Democrat alone
has beeu the negroe’s best mend for
many years past, and-upon the Democra
ey alone must he now rely to he saved
from yankee cupidity aud from carpet
bagger rapidly. Bclpio begins to see
there is no mule and no 40 acres in elec
ting to Congress a man from Main or
Wisconsin, and bonce Bambo Cutlee and
Scipio are beginning to turn to tiro De
mocracy, who have not cheated nor lied,
but who will take good care of negroes if
negroes will not be fooled orduped by olll
cious overseers from abroad,' .
Pbentice wickedly says In the l ouis
ville Journof •• “ Old- Wade may as well
stop swearing at President Johnson.—
The Chief Justice swore the I reside.nt
into office and old Ben can’t swear him
out.” ■ ' V. ' ',7 ! ;
The Radicals are In great trouble be
cause Grant bas nothing to Say, and in
still greater when he does, say some
thing.