®|jc American Volunteer. EVERY THURSDAY MORNING URATTON 6c ICK2*N3iJDV. OFFICE—SOUTH MARKET MQITARE. Ti;rMs:-*-T\vo Dollars per year if paid strictly in advance; Two Dollars and Fifty Cents If paid witldn three months; after which Three Dollars will bo charged. These terms will bo rigidly ad iU>rcd to In every Instance. No subscription dis continued until nil arrearages are paid, unless at 1,0 option of the Editor. (Satfas. rA E. BELTZHOOVER, Attorney n , and COUN3EI.OU atL.vw, Carlisle, Pemm. ,-fnico on South Hanover street, opposite Dent/, s Store. By special arrangement with the 1 atom Oillco, attends to securing Patent Rights. Doc. 1, UHB. j. m. wi:aklky. w. i-’. sa ni.int. & SADLER, ATTORNEYS A T LAW, NO. 1U SOUTH HANOVER ST. Cautasi.e, Pknn’a. Dee. 10,18(J7.—ly J OHN B. MILLER, Attorney at ’Law. Oillco In Hannon’s Building, opposite lue Court House, Carlisle, l\i, Nov. 11,1807. A DAM KELLER, Attorney at Law, Carlisle, Olllce with \V. M, remoso, Lstp, Rheum's Hall. October 13,1867—6m* JJNITED STATES Cl .AIM AND Ji EA /. ES TA TE A GEEC Y! WM. B. BUTLER, ATTOUNUY AT LAW Uillco lu dd story of InlioU's Building, No. 8 South llunover .Street, Carlisle, Cumberluml county, 1 Pensions, Bounties, Back-Pay, Ac., promptly colluded. , , ... Applications by mail, will-receive Immediate at Leutlou. , ~, . Partlcularattentlon gluon to the selling or rent ing of ileal Estate, In town or country. In all let ters of inquiry, please enclose postage stamp. July 11,14507 —If /-iHAS. E. MAGLAUGHLIN, Attok \7 nky AT Law. Olllce In Building formerly occupied by Volunteer, a few doors South oi Han non's Hotel. Dec. 1, 1805. JOHN. C. GRAHAM, Attorney at Law. Olllce formerly occupied by Judge umham, South llunover street, Carlisle, Penna. Doe. 1, 1803—ly. MC. HERMAN. Attorney at Law. , Olllce In llhcem's Hall Building, In the rear of the Court House, next door to the “Her ald” Onieo, Carlisle, Penna. * Doc. 1,1803. W KENNEDY Attorney at Law, , Carlisle, Penna. Olllce same us that ol , in* ••American Volunteer, M South side of the Pub ic .Square. \ Due. 1. ISOo. (OIIN LEE, Attorney at I(AW, p) North Hanover Street, Carlisle, Pa., cob. 13, 181111 ly. | AMES A. DUNBAR, Attorney at pj Law. Carlisle, Penna. Ollleo a low doors West of llauuon's Hotel. Dec. 1. 1885. 1 \R. GEORGE S. SEARIGHT, Dux- I I -nsT. From the Baltimore Cotivae oj Dental Olllce at the residence of his innthor, lliisl Louthcr Street, three doors below Bediord, i arllsle, Pemiu. Doe. 1, ISO-). D R. J. R. BIXLBR offers Ills proles- Monal services lo thocitizens of Carlisle and 'cilice on Main street, opposite the jail, In the main lately occupied by L. Todd, Esq. April 11, 1807—ly gjtoDcs, ftmluarr, Scr. J AM E s M’66N I O A L , M\NUFACrrUUKU ASD dkai.ku in STOVES TIN AND SUKET-IKUN WAKE, S(fulh Jlanovcr SL, Ailjoinintj Ulnir A .Son’* (Jrocury. CARLISLE, 1’ A . The subscriber thankful lor past favors, re- Miectfully Informs his friends and the public, that ho bus now ou hand a largo supplj* of the latest and best Improved COOK and I'ARIjOR sto vjss, lIKA TERS and RA XO'KK In the Stove Department wo desire to call par ticular attention to the following, comprising as they do, the very best Cook and Parlor Stoves now In use: NiMUOD, QUAKER CITY. EXCELSIOR, I‘EN.N, NOBLE COOK, • NIAGxV.UA. SUSQUEHANNA ami IRONSIDES. To speak at length of tho aill’erent Stoves would occupy too much space, but wo doom it neeossA iv lo call tho attention ol the public to the K M PIKE BAS BDHNIiB This truly wonderful Parlor and OJllco Stove i* so constructed that the cheapest quality of coaUUmeburner’H), can bo used with success.— It burns continuously and tho lire is easily kin dled. It is capable of healing one room below mid two rooms above. There is no dust and no escape of gas, and an actual saving of coal, which m iwo or three .seasons will pay lor theslovc. The Empire has many valuable qualities which can only bo fully appreciated by seeing it in op eialien. Wu claim that it is far superior lo any other stove now in use, and we feel salibllod that wu can convince all who will lavor us with an examination ol the Stove at our shop ol this part. Wu bave on hand a full assortment of TINWARE. Repairing promptly attended to. Rooting done at the shortest notice. Spouting will bo put up on reasonable terms and with despatch, i p’leaso give us a call at No. S 3, South Huuovor Wl ' lihUrs SSIS'-ji-gonigal. Sept. ID, IW57—(Jm riIHE CARLISLE COOK STOVE, I manufactured at F. GARDNER it Co's, foundry uud Machine Shop, Carlisle, ccm'lbebtal. This is the testimony of scores of families in Cum berland, Ferry and Adams Counties, who are now using them. Cull and sec them. CORN S HELLERS, running either by power or by hand—constantly on hand and for sale at F. GARDNER it CO’S. Foundry uud Machine Shop,East Main Street. STI3 A M UOILEIt MAKING. We are prepared lo make Steam Boilers of all si zes and kinds promptly and on tho best terms.— Also, SMOKE STACKS and all articles in that Rue, REPAIRING OF BOILERS and ENGINES promptly attended to iu tho best manner at iaiiaui t,. _ F. GARDNER & CO'S. Foundry and Machine Shop, Carlisle, Pa. Feb. 7, 1867. Miller & bowers, SUCCESSOR* TO LEWIS F. LYNE, JVorlh Hanover Street, Carlisle, Pa Dealers lu American, English and German HARDWARE, Cutlery, Saddlery. Coach Trimmings, bhoo Findings, Morocco and Lining Skins, Lasts, Loot Trees ami Shoemaker Tools of ovcry description. Solid and Ernes Box Vices, Hollows, Files, Hasps, Horse Shoes, Horse Shoo Nulls. Har niid Rolled Iron of all sizes, HAMES AND TRACES, Carriage Springs, Axles, Spokes. Follows, Hubs, Ac.. &c. Sawn of every variety, Carpenters’ Tools unci Building Material, Table and I’oukob Cutlery, IMalod Forks and Spoons, with an extensive as sortment of Hardware of all kinds and of the best manufacture, which will be sold wholesalejor re tail at the lowest prices. Wo are limiting groat improvements in our-already heavy slock o 1 goods, and invito all persons lu want of Hard ware of every description to give us a call and we are conlldcnt yon will bo well paid for your trou ble. Hoping that by strict attention to business and a disposition to please all we w*U bo able to maintain the reputation of the old stand. MILLER A ROWERS. Dec. 1,15G5. piPER'S BOOK AND FANCY STORE, AND GENERAL NEWS DEPOT, 30 WEST MAIN STREET, CAItLIShE, 1»A. A lino assortment of Goods on hand, such as Writing Desks, Port Folios, Ladies Companions, Work Boxes, Satchels, Ladies’Purses, Pocket Books, . . Hegar Cases, Card Cases, Gold Pons, •. Pen Halves, Ac., Ac. A LARGE SUPPLY OF FAMILY BIBLES and PHOTOGRAPHIC ALBUMS AT REDUCED PRICES. DIARIES FOR 1867. Subscriptions received for all Magazines, Fash ion Books, Papers, Ac., at publishers prices. You suvo'postuyo and always sure of receiving your -Magazines by subscribing at Pumcu’s, Special attention is paid to keeping always on hand a supply of SCHOOL BOOKS, lor town and country schools. Books and Music ordered when desired, May a, WOT—tf BY BRATTON & KENNEDY, JWeSlcal, HOOFLAHD’S GERMAN BITTERS, AND Hoofland’s German Tonic. Prepared by Dr. 0, M. Jacksoh, Pinr.ADKl.l’lliA. pa. The Great Remedies for all Diseases LIVER, STOMACH, OR DIGESTIVE ORGANS. Hooflancl’s German Bitters Ifl composed of the- pure jtil.-< i< (or, ii« il.n nn- tm did. nally termed, Vu r ---n , Koutn, Ilcrhunml Ru-I:s, W* Is £T* a »! tlon, highly romvn I £•>-•*•}■ ;j mm-J. mi.! V.;'ii.-!y frerfrom Alcoholic l«aiJaJ J mf/m-iiKv \J turj hind. HOOELAND’S GERMAN TONIC, Is a combination of nil tin- hnrm'.i.."il.- m ii»> Hiiicr?, with the purest quality ot Sttnin rna /,’ihii, Onnn/c, etc., making one of Iho im»l plca*asit m.d awun.Mo remedies ever otleml to the jmldii. Those preferring a Mcdldno live lus.i .\lr.>h..!i«: sal mixture, will use Hoofland’s German Bitters. In cases of nervous dfpn ->!.>«, win n -.m.y aVaholk Btlnmlus Is necessary, HOOFLAND’S GERMAN TONIC should In* u«ul. The Bitters or the Tonic an* 5 oih c.|ii:illy eno.l, and contain the flame medicinal \hiu. s The stomach, from u vari.-ly i.j nm, c*. ,i:« (i uk Indi gestion, Dyspepidu, -■ — [ . Xi-nmi. DdiiJity, etc., in very apt to linv.• In rni-cllons deranged. Tne result ifca ».f wl.id, i,., Unit the patient sutlers from -i-wial >n muiv of the following dircuf-f*: Constipation. Flatulence, Inward 'Piles, Fulness of Blood to tho Head, Acidity of tho Stomach, Nausea, Heart burn, Disgust for Food, Fulness or Weight in the Stomach, Sour Eructations, Sink ing or Fluttering nt tho Pit of tho Stomach, Swimming of tho Hoad, Hurried or Difficult Breathing, Fluttering at the Heart, Choking or Suffocating Sensations when in a Lying Posture, Dimness of Vision, Dots or Webs before tho Sight, Dull Pain in tho Hoad. Defi ciency of Perspiration, Yel lowness of the Skin and Eyes, N Pain in tho Side, Back,Chest, Limbs, etc., Sudden Flushes of Heat, Burning in tho Flesh, Constant Imaginings of Evil, and Great Depression ol Spirits. Those remedies will efieetuatly . mi* hirer Complaint, Jaundice, Dyrpepsia. Cimi:.Ninon* Debility, Chronic Diarrluea, DI-imm- •>: the Khmey*-, and all Diseases arising from a I li-oidm-d l.iver, Hlomaelqor Intestines. ILJISISIjL.IX’V, .Resulting- from any Cause whatever; PROSTRATION OP THE SYSTEM, induced by Severe Labor, Hard ships, Exposure, Fovovb, otc. There is no medicine extnnt i i,nal to these remedies In Midi eases. A lime and \la"f Ik iin]«;trtt*oot from th« Monikers of (lji> I'lilliidolphiu lius*. I*lll T.AUF.I,I’III A , Nov. 20, I SOT. To 'he I [on. (icorfjc IT. Woodward t L. L I)., Chief ,/u.itlr of Prnny/irania. !>i:ak Sin : As you are about to retire from the Bench to*assume other impor tant official duties, it is due to you that some public testimonial should be given by the liar of their appreciation of your ■. mincut ability ami. services as a judge of the- highest court of the Common wealth, and for four yearn past as Chief Justice of Pennsylvania. For more than a quarter of a century you have been connected with tho Ju diciary of your native State—ten years as President Judge of the Twenty-fifth Judicial District, and fifteen years and fight, months as .Judge of the* .Supreme Court; the first eight mouths of the lat ter by an appointment fioiii Governor Bigler, and the full term of fifteen years by an election'by tho people. It will givens great pleasure if you will name a day when it may suit your convenience to moot the members of tho Bar of Philadelphiant an entertainment, which they propose to give as a testimo nial of their professional and personal re gard for you. Wt- have the honor to be, with tho respect, your obedient servants, Duvul Pmil Brown, |W. M. Meialilh, Iviac Ila/.uMmrsl, Mil K. Price, K. S|H>nc«*r Miller, Henry M. PhlHlpu, P. McCall, lAlexinuha* Hunrv, (lf>. \V. maillo, I lUclmnl Thus, * ArliiurM. Burton, iThco. Cnvh*r, •lamas byn.t, Wm. A. Purler. John Samuel. iWlßhim B. Mann, William 1.. Hirst. JAm-stant UUion, Charles (JBpln, Plumas P«w, Lewis c. Cisshiy, James CamjJi.-il, iM'.v.ou 11. Well, .James U. l.mllow, James Uoss Snowden, ' Lewis Mover, Iviwartl Hopper, Tlionia,. H. smith, Henry M. Whrrtois, Anion Brills. l'ieri-e A relior, Jr., Richard P. White, A. V. I'arsons, Thus. H. Me Mirny, . '.ivhi W. Sellers. Win. J,. Hoiini',' J.ones M. (rowan, James 1 nters.m, James It. Campbell, Charles J. Buhllo, : tirman Slmppanl I. M. Robb, Samuel (J. Thompson, John C. Bullet, 1 .•e.lrieJs Heyer, Charles H. T. Colli.s, 1 II. Karie. DaviiJ Web-Jer. • Ro’-'je Bull, UieharU 1.. Ashlihui’Kl, 1 >hn A. ' >w.*:i% h ■bert M. Mo-mu, s il. I'ii’i-. J. t ‘laylun, I, Sergeant I‘nee. ; ■.; 1 1» 1 1'hnen, h I K R j.lney, 1-Tankhn B. (lowen, ■ N’al ban 11. Sharp loss, < 'lenn.MiL B. Pmiroae, ’Thomas J, Diehl, I>. P. Brown, John \. Marshall, Sioiui'-i 1 Melc ,o di* tinguir-hed a body of my fellow-eit i/.ensas the members of t lie ib.r of Philadelphia. I’or flUeen years I wont in and out'amongst y.m us a Judge of the Supreme Court of Pennsylvania. It was my business to listen to you, and it gives me great pleasure to acknowl edge the learning and ability with which you instructed me. During the long and busy period, I doubt if causes were bet ter argued in any ooiuis where the En glish common law prevails. I shall look back upon the pended as one of the pleas antest eras of my life, not only on ac count of the forensic talent which dis tinguished it, but beeaure. also, of the uniform courtesy and kindness which characterized our professional inter course, uful the warm personal attach ments which grew up.between us. Indeed, it gives mo singular satisfac tion to look hack, from this standpoint, over, not only the Bar of Philadelphia, but that of our whole State, and to recall the many young men I have seen come forward to the active duties and the large rewards of the profession, and the many mature lawyers I have set*n advancing to its highest honors. The retrospect is saddened, to ,be sure, as all views of the past must be, by the recollection of the many honored names who have gone lo their graves—some in the r pmtoss of old ago, others in the midst of their years.— But the good examples of al. nach remain to animate the living, and \n ihe living lawyers of Pennsylvania, ihe State lias her best wealth—for it is ihe wealth of educated intellect, of high and hmiornhlo endeavor, of discriminating judgintmt-, of patriotic Impulse. Tlicm: are all great powers, and as often as they apply lliem eelvoa to the questions of the day they render the Slate signal service.’ They have done ho in days that are past, and will do so in the present and future. To have been associated with such a body of men in so many years of pleasant pro fessional intercourse, is one of those pure pleasures that pleases on reflection. Renewing, gentlemen, my thanks for your polite invitation, I sub.-crihe myself, with sentiments of high regaid, your friend and obedient servant. (1 no. \V. WooiiWAitD. llnAl'Til’t'i. Au. kooky. — Mr. Critten den Wib engaged in defend.ng a man who had been indicted for u capital olfencv. — Alter an elaborate and powerful defence, he closed his ellbrt by the following striking and beautiful allegory. “When (lod In his eternal counsel con ceived the thought of man’s creation, Jie called to him the three ministers who wail constantly upon h\< throne—Jus tice, Truth, and Mercy- and thus ad dressed them “Shall we make man?” Then said Justice, “() (lod make him not for he will trample upon Thy laws.” Truth made an answer, 1 O Clod make him no! for In* will p *ln!r Thy ,-anetua ries.” !> it M-ocy, dropped upon hor knee-, and lo n-imi up !lir> igh her tears, exclaimed ;“O Clod make Mm. I will watch over him with care through ail the dark pliat.s which lie may trend,” Then Clod made man, and said to him, ‘‘(X man, thou art the child of mercy—go deal with thy brother.” . The jury, When he had finished, went into tears* .against evidence and what must havo been their own convictions, ! brought in a verdict of “Not guilty.” VOL. 54.—N0. 31 THE YANKEE FARMER. Some waggish students, of Vale College a few fears since, were regaling them solves one evening at the “Tontine,' when an old farmer from the country on lered the room, taking it for the bar-room and Inquired if ho could obtain lodging there. The young chap* immediately answered in the atUrmativc, inviting him to take a glass of punch. The old fellow, who was a shrewd Yank* e, saw, at once that he was to bo made the butt of their Jests, but quietly taking otr his hat, and telling a worthless little dog he had with him to lie under the chair, ho look a glass of the proffered beverage. The students anxiously inquired after the health of the old mail’s wife and chil dren. and (ho former, with affected sim plicity, gave them the whole pedigree, with numerous anecdotes about his farm, slock, «&e. “ Do you belong to the church ?” ask ed one of the wags. “ Yes, the Lord be prai-ed, and did my father before me.” “ Well, L suppose you will md tell j lie?” replied the student. “ Xot for (h.. world, ’’added Ih. lar “ X‘>w. what will you lake fur that dog,” pointing to the farmer’s cur, win was not worth his weight in Jersey mud. “I would not lake twenty dollars foi that dog.” '* Twenty dollars? Why, he n>l worth twenty conts^." “ Well, I assure you, j would not lake twenty dollars for him." “ dome, my friend," said the student, who, with his companions, was limit on having some capital fun with the old man. “ Xow, you say you won’t tell a lie for the world, let me see if you won't do it Jor twenty dollars. I’ll give you twenty dollars for your dog.” “ I’ll not take it," replied the famer. “ \'M will not. Flore, let us see if this won’t tempt you to tell a lie," added the student, producing a Mmiil bag of half dollars, from which he counted small piles on the tabh* where the farmer sat with his hat in his hand, apparently un concerned. “There," added the student, “ there are twenty dollars, all in silver.-- 1 will give yon that for your dog." The old farmer quietly raised Ids hat to the edge of the table, and then as quick as thought scraped all the money Into it except ono hnlfdollttr, nt thv sauie [fine exclaiming, “ I won’t take your twenty dollars. Nineteen and a half is as much as the dog is Worth ; he is your proper- A tremendous laugh fiom his fellow students showed the would-ba wag that he was completely “ done up," and that ho need not look for help in that quarter ; an ho good-naturedly acknowledged Idm self beat, insisted on the old larmor tak ing another glass, and they parted in great glee, the student retaining the dog, which he keeps to this day, as a lesson to him never to attempt tq play tricks on men older than himself, and especially (o be careful how ho tries to wheedle a Yankee fanner. Ai-tku thh Funkka't..—Of all the re turnings, that one “after the funoral , ' is the*adde*t. Who will say it is not so, who has followed a beloved one to the grave? While ho was sick, we went in and out, anxious, sorrowing, sailcring.— The solierkido to relieve, and care for, ami comfort him, engrossed us ; the apprehen sion of (.nr own dD-mlution, incase ho should he removed Irom us, almost drove n-> wild. While he lay dead under the home roof, there was a hurry ami bustle in preparation for Liu* dual riles. Friends are sent for, neighbors are present, the funeral arrangements are discussed, the mourning procured, the hospitalities of the house provided for; all isexcitenient; the loss is not yet perceived in all Us greatness, lint “ after the.funoral,” —af- ter the hustle has subsided and thing* be gin to move on as usual, then it is we be gin to know what has befallen us. The house seems still and sepulchral though in the heart of the eily ; and though its threshold be trodden by friendly feel, it is as if empty. The apartments, how de serted ! especially the room where lie struggled and surrendered in the last con diet. There are his clothes, there are his hooks, there his hat and earn*, there hi* ever-vaeant scat at the family board.— Dining his siekne*-, we had iml noticed these tilings *o much, for we hoped ever that lie might use or occupy them again, tint now wo know it can never he, and perceive tin* dreadful vacuity everywhere. Mli, bow il.irk and cheerio** the night rdiadnws conic down after the funeral'! X • m ion or stars ever shone so dim ly ; no darkne." ever seemed so dark. The lick ings i.f the clock resound like bell strokes all over the house. Xo fool—tep now on the stairs or overhead in the sick cham ber; no nurse or watcher* to come and he is not so well, and iiaka for you.” N«>. indeed; you may “slcepon now and Lake your rest,” if >/(h( can. Ah, poor heart! It will be lonbefore Lho sweet rest you once knew will res'isit your couch. .Slumber will bring again lho scenes through which you have just pass ed ami you will start from it but to lind them all 100 real. God pity the mourner “ after i he funeral.” - OUDHUKH TO Til H - F IIONT. i’.h-hop Ames, at tho reunion of the Indiana (.'on feronee, told Lius touching story : A General in the lute war told me not long since, Unit among tho troops that were under his command was a youth hardly fifteen years of ago, who was ta ken violently sick, and the boys belong ing (o the company sympathized with him —his mother was a poor widow, liv ing in Southern Illinois—they saw tho little fellow growing worse and worse, so they made up a purse, and sent for his mother to come and see her soldier-boy die. *Slie came, lie was fast sinking. The General sympathized with him and visited him frequently. lie came in one morning—tho mother was sitting up on her son's bedside and singing: “ .Tertis can umke u »IyJn« il Keel hort as d<*-vny pillows ufu.'’ The General listened till she had fin ished, and then came forward, took him by the hand, and. said, “How are you tins morning, John Said the dying-boy, “ Not very well, General —/(tm ordered io (he front I" and to the front he went. Angela came down to conduct him to the realms of gloiy.— When Clod is ready to order us to tho fiont, I trust we will he, like tho soldier boy, ready do march at a moment’s \\arn mg. Woman’s liAiioir.—A woman has no uu{ u isl gi ft more be wile hi iig tluui a sweet laugh. Uis like the sound of a Unit* on lilt* water. It leaps frontier in a dear, sparkling rill, and the heart that heais ;i feels as if bathed in a cool, exhiliarnling spring. Have vou ever pursued an un seen fugitive through trees, led on by a fairy laugh—now here, now there, now lost, now' foilml*.’ We have, and we are pursuing that vniee to this day. Some times it will come to us in the midst ol sorrow, or irksome business, ami we turn nway and listen to hear it ringing through the.room like a silver bell, with power to scare away the evil spirits of the mind. Kow much wo owe that sweet laugh! It turns the prose to poetry; it Mings lloweiv. of sunshine over the dark ness of the wood in which we are travel ing: it touches with light even onrsleep, .whieh is no more the image of death, hut is consumed with dreams that are the shadows of immortality. \ I* t! Mm i n organ builder lias in wnleu.a new Mop, which from the ac count* in the Pitmburg papers, i“ some thing wonderful. One paper says: “It expresses the touching tenderness ot the human heart and the tremulous, pathetic rnnes of the violin, its ell'cct is indescri bable and altogether in cslslnblc. Indeed, the human heart and the nerves which eaii remain unmoved under the intlu eneeof its cthcrial tones must bo coin sed of wood aud leather. 0 Kates for 2UucrtToing A nvEKTisnaiENTS will bo inserted »t Ten -cants I>ct lino for tlio first Insertion, and flv« cents per lino for each subsequent Insertion. Quar terly, half-yearly, and yearly advertisements In serted at a liberal reduction on tho above rates. AiUertlscmculs should bo accompanied by tho CAslr. 'When sent without tmy length of time specified for publication, they will bo continued until ordered out aud charged accordingly. JOB PRINTING. O//w.‘r I J, ANII r. as, Ciucdlaiw. and every ofc tJ.i d, c . r i l,l on ?* and (-aud Printing oxccn tod In tho neatest stylo, at low prices. ODES AND ENDS. —An imperious Ctesar—The Sheriff. —Fancy dress—The mantle of night. —A good place for early birds.—The city of Worms. —Why is a kiss like a rumor? Be canso it goes from mouth to mouth. —ls a maid in male apparel a self-made man ? —What grows tho less tired the more it works? A'Wagon wheel. —Toll tv man in a single word that ho took a late breakfast. At-ten-u-nto. —The chap that sung “Some one Is waitin’ for me,” discovered a policeman. —Halloa, Bridget! what o’clock Is it, and' where’s tho chicken pie?” It’s eight, Sir.” —When docs a farmer act witli rude ness towards his corn ? When lie nulls its cars. ~A schoolboy's aspiration : “ Oh, how I wish I were a fountain, for then I could always be playing.” —ln matters of conscience, first dioughts are best; in matters of prudence, ast thoughts arc best. -Mrs. Partington .considers that washer women are particularly silly people to at tempt to catch soft water when it rains hard. —“ I have lost flesh,” said a toper to his companion. “No great loss,” replied the other, “ since you have made It up in spirits,” -A gentleman, at a musical party, asked a friend, in a whisper, “ How shall I stir the fire without interrupting the music?” “Between the bars,” replied the friend, —The young lady who has boon tel ling'how she felt the first time her lover kissed her, is requested to state how she felt the first time she was spanked. —What is the difference between an old man in Latin, and a look at a woman in full dress? One is se-nex, and the other is see nocks and a good deal more. —What is the difference between a spider and a duck ? The one has feet nl u’jyvj on a irob, and the other has a web always on its feet. —The great source of pleasure is varie ty. Wo love to expect; and when expec tation is disappointed or gratified, wo want to be again expecting. —Scene—A crowded hor.-e car: First passenger. (To sturdy laborer standing in form of him :) “ I say there, T,vo got toes!” Second passenger. “ V-e-s,” (a gleam of intelligence lightens his face,) “ I felt ’em.” • -What was the difference between Jo an of Are and Noah’s ark. One was Maid of Orleans, and the other was made of gopher wood. —A greenhorn sat a long time, very attentive, musing upon a cano-bottom chair. At length he said : “ I wonder what fellow took the trouble to find all them ar holes, ami pul straws -around 'em.” —The bride’s veil originated in IhoAn lo-Saxon custom of performing the mar riage under a piece of cloth, hold at each corner by a tall man, over the brido- •ouin and bride to conceal her blushes. —A vender of hoop-skirts was recently extolling his wares in presence of a cus tomer's husband. “No lady should ho without one of these skirls,” said the shop man. “ Well, of course not,” dryly responded the husband, who was some thing of a wag: “ she should bo within —Somebody says the first thing that inied his attention to matrimony was ic neat and skillful manner in which a pretty girl handled a broom. Yes, says the Printer’s Devil, ho may see the time when the manner in which that broom will be hadled, will not afford him so much satisfaction. An Irishman who had loft his native country and sought an asylum in Ameri ca because it was the land of liberty, was .Hacked on his first arrival, in liecem >er, by a furious mastiff. He stooped to dek up a stone to defend himself, but he stone was fro/.eii fast. “ jty my soul,” ays Pat, “ what a swato country, whore lie dogs are let loose ami the stones tied ust. —A gentleman who wanted to make a talking speech to a Sunday school, thought he would adopt tho colloquial style, and this is what happened : “ Now boys, what docs a man want when ho goes a fishing V” A shrill voice in tho crowd went di •ectly to the point with : “ Wants a bite !” Tlie gentleman sat down. —“ Amelia, for thee—yes at thy com mand, I’d tear this eternal fermament into a thousand fragments—l’d gather the stars one by one as they tumbled from regions of ctherial space and put them in my trowsers pockets ; I’d pick the sun—that oriental god of day, that traverses the blue arch of heaven in such majestic splendor —I’d tear him from the sky and quench its bright effulgence in the fountain of my eternal love for thee! Amelia,—“Don’t Henry, it would boso very dark.” —Tho following joke is going tho rounds in the Western papers: Tho superintendent of the Marietta and Cin cinnati Railway discharged a conductor belonging to the road. “ Well,” said he,“ I was discharged for giving a free pass.”— “ What made you such a fool as to give a free pass? “ Well, you see,” replied tho conductor, “I got tired of riding alone, and gave a friend of mine a free pass to get him to go along for company.” A ir.uin jut. —. Said an old preacher once : “ Fellow-sinners, if you wore told that by going to the top of those stairs yonder, Ip a rickety pair of stairs at the end of the church,) you might secure your eternal salvation, I re ally hardly believe any of you would try it. But let any'‘man proclaim that there were live dollars in gold for you, and I'll be bound there would bosuchnget- :ig up stairs as you never did see.” —Theodore Tilton had just entered a lotelhi a Western town, and was going ip stairs very travel—stained to [change ils toilet preparatory to lecturing, when ie encountered on the second floor an ■ ver dressed ami vulgar woman. “Are •on the porterV” questioned the woman, aving her hand upon Theodore’s arm.— ‘No, madam,” was the quiet response, ‘ are you the chambermaid ?” —Hr. John Wilkins wrote a hook in the time of Charles 11. to show the possi bility of making a voyage to the moon. The Duchess of Newcastle, who was like wise notorious for her vagrant specula tion, said to him, “ Doctor, where am i to halt at in the upward journey V “My huh',” replied the doctor, “ of all the peo ple hi the world, I never expected that question from you, who have built so many castles in the air that you might lie eycrv night at one of your own.” —A day or so since, in one of the trains from Boston, a quiet individual, sitting bv the stove in one of the passenger cars, drew forth a bottle and commenced hiving his hands with the contents.— The day was very cold and the vicinity of the stove was crowded. One old man watched the bottle-holder’s operation* with great interest, and dually asked him what kind of stud'he was using.— “ Glycerine,” replied the quiet man.— “ Glycerine—thunder!” ami the old man rushed for the door. Others caught up the word, and they all rushed into tile adjoining cars, living our glyeerino friend to (sooth Ids chapped hands,