®l)e American boluntccr.
I'UIUJSHED EVERY THURSDAY MORNING
»T
BRATTON Ao KfflntltDT.
OFFICE-aovxn MIIUKX SQUIRE.
terms Two Dollars per year It paid strictly
in advance ; Two Dollars and Fifty Cents If paid
Wilbur throe months j after which Throe Dollars
„111 ho charged. These terms will bo rigidly ad
nered to In every Instance. No subscription dls
l ontlnaed until all arrearages are paid, unless at
lho option of tho Editor.
IJtofesatonal ©arte.
MO. HERMAN, Attorney at Law.
, Office In Rhoem’s Hall Building, In tho
rear of the Court Honso, next door to the “Her
ald” office. Carlisle, Penna.
Dcc.l,lßk
JM WEAKLEY, Attorney at Law.
, Office on South Hanover street; In the room
formerly occupied by A. B. Sharpe. Esq.
TOHN. C. GRAHAM, Attorney at
• I Law. Office formerly occupied by Judge
Graham, South Hanover street, Carlisle. Penna.
Dec. 1,1865— ly.
nHAS. E. MAGLAUGHLIN, Attor
1/ key at Law. Office In Building formerly
occupied by Volunteer, a few doors South of Han
non’s Hotel.
' U Doc. 1, 1865. • -
ri M. BELTZHOOVEB, Attorney
Vj, at Law and Real Estate Agent. Shepherds
town, West Virginia. Prompt attention given to
all business in Jeflbrson county and the Counties
adjoining it,
Feb. 16, IB6o—ly.
WM. J. SHEARER, Attorney &o.
at Law, Carlisle, Pa. Office near Court
House, South side of Public Square, in “ Inhofl’s
Comer.” second floor. Entrance. HanoverStreot.
49" Practicing in all the Coarts of this Judicial
District, prompt attention will bo given to all
business In the Counties of Perry nnaJunlata, as
well as of Cumberland.
May 24,1866—1y*.
VXT F. SADLER, Attorney at Law,
V V • Carlisle, Ponna. Ofllco In Building for
merly ocoupiod by Volunteer, South Hanover
itreet.
Dec, 1, 1805.
TXT KENNEDY Attorney at Law,
VV ■ Carlisle. Penna. Office same os tlmtoi
the “American Volunteer, 1 ' South side of the Pub
lic Square.
Deo. 1. 1805.
JOHN, LEE, Attorney at Law,
North Hanover Street, Carlisle. Fa.,
rob. 15,1808— ly.
TAMES A. DUNBAR, Attorney at
il Law. Carlisle, Penna. Office a few doors
West of Hannon’s Hotel.
Dec. 1,1865.
£i E. BELTZHOOVEB, Attorney
, akd Counselor at Law, Carlisle, Ponna.
co on South Hanover street, opposite Bentz's
Store. By special arrangement with the Patent
Office, attends to securing Patent Bights.
Dec. 1,1805.
WM. B. BUTLER, Attorney at
Law, Carlisle, Penna. Office with Wm. J.
Siioarcr, Esq.
Dec. 1, 1805—ly.
E NEWTON SHORT, M. D., Physl
, clan and Surgeon, Meohanlcsbui*?, Pa.—
nkful lor past favors, would most respectful
ly Inform his friends and the public generally,
that ho la still practicing Medicine ana Surgery
In all their branches. Special attention given to
the treatment of diseases of the Bye and Ear, and
all other chronic affections.
Ofllco In Wilson's Building, Main St., np stairs.
Nov. 20,1800.
2R. GEORGE S. SEAEIGHT, Den
tist. From the Baltimore College of Denial
cry. Office at tho residence of nis mother;
East Louthor Street, throe doors bolow Bedford,
Carlisle, Penna. ■
Dec. 1,1865.
f\ENTISTRY —Dr.W. B. Shoemaker—
±J Practical Dentist, Newville, Pennsylvania,
Otuoo In Miller’s Building.
Feb. 22> 1860.—1 y.
Photographing.
TTH OTOG^APHS!
■*The subscriber, after over five years of experi
ence in his profession, begs to inform the public
that he stillcontlnuea his business at his old and
well known location, in the building of Jacob
Zag, Esq., South-East Corner of Market over
(ho Store of Messrs. Leldloh A Miller, whore ho
will bo pleased to see his friends and patrons;
end where he is fully prepared to take
?HOTOQRAPHSL
CARTES BE VISITS
AND AMBROTTBES,
from miniature to life-like size, and to guarantee
perfect satisfaction in every case. The arrange
raentofmy Sky-Light enables me to take perfect
(<u tlmiles In cloudy as well as in clear weather.—
An experienced Lady Operator Is in constant at
tendance at the rooms to wail/ on lady customers.
Constantly on hand and for sale at reasonable
rates, a fine assortment of
ROSE WOOD,
UNION AND
GILT FRAMES.
t - Negatives of nil Pictures taken are preserv
ed and persons wishing duplicates of the same
can have them on short notice, either by person
al application or by letter. Thankful for past fa
vors, will hope for a continuance of the public
patronage,
JOHN a. LESHER.
Oct. 11,1808—Om '
POSITIVELY THE BEST I
C. L. LOCH MAN
AGAIN TRIUMPHANT!!
Th« FIRST PREMIUM has again n Awarded
to (XL. LOCHMAN % for the BEST
PHOTOGRAPHS.
His long experience in the business and his
Intimate knowledge of all that relates to the pro
duction of a PERFECT PICTURE, In chemistry,
art and mechanism, enables him to make Pho
tographs, unapproachable in most galleries, and
all work guaranteed to give satisfaction.
PINK LARGE PHOTOGRAPHS,
Colored and Plain,
CARD PICTURES* FOR ALBUMS,
old and now size,
PORCELAIN PICTURES
of exquisite finish.
Every lady should one of these taken j
they give the most charming complexion.
AMBROTYPES
la every style of cases, and all kinds of work
done in a First Gloss Gallery. Copies made in
the most perfect manner. ‘ -
Negatives are registered, and duplicates can be
had at any time.
The public is cordially invited to pay a visit
to the gallery and examine specimens.
A large lot of FRAMES and ALBUMS for sole
cheap.
Phonographs mode in all kinds of weather
equally well,
Dec. 18.1866
Mrs. r. a. smith’s photo
graphlo Gallery South-east Corner Hano
treet, and Market Square, where may be had
ail the different styles of PlTotographfl ( from card
to life size,
IVORYTYPES, AMBROTYPES, AND
MELAINOTYPBB :
ahio Pictures on Porcelain, (something new) both
Plain and Colored, and which ore beautlfUlipro-
JucUons of the Photographic art. Call and see
Particular attention given to copying from
Unguorrotypes Ac.
Bhe invites the patronage of the public.
Feb. 15 1860.
. )7,./
1 --
41.ffinutrillit drolitio
GREAT EDUCATIONAL INDUCEMENTS.
4 First Class Business College of Carlisle , itom’a.
rnHIS Institution is now entering upon
X f*f» third year la its present location; daring
•iilch'sime it has received a liberal-home sup
port, and also an encouraging share of patronage
from six different Stotea of the Union. We feel
mcouraged from the result of past elZbrts and
tfrall spare no pains or expense in bnlldlng up
‘Q Institution, seoond to none in the country.
Education adapted to all—the Farmer, the Me
coauic. the Artisan; tho Business or Professional
man, * - ■
Young MEN of limited education.
YOUNG MEN well educated la other respects,
hut deficient .in the branches
taught in a first class Business
College: •
YOUNG MEN of limited means, who would
possess the beat requisite to pm-
Inence and distinction.
Young MEN who are desirous of receiving tho
greatest amount of useful Infor
mation ut the least comparative
. expense sure invited to invest!-
Uto the peculiar merits of our Model System of
Practical training and eminently popular course
®* Study,
BRANCHES TAUGHT.
Single and Double Entry Book-keeping, in its
wlqub forms and applications, including Q6n-
Wholesale andi£soil Business, Forwarding,
Exchange, Jobbing and Importing,
8 teamboatlng. Banking. . ’
Settlements, Business Calculations
Mercantile Law, Correspondence, Practical and
Ornamental Penmenshlp, Phonography. English
laminar, Composition, Telegraphing, Ac. '
5* Students enter at any time, .
♦k* Nona hut competent instructors employed,
a sufficient number to insure individual in
nmction to aIL
•fias* ,or * olicular
. * Carlisle, Pa.
23,18Q0.
A GRICULTURAL COLLEGE OF
jCV PENNSYLVANIA.—The next Term of this
filiation, under its reorganization, will com-
Q tuce on the ifith day of January, 1807. . .
dtesa terins °* Admission, oatolognes, Ac., Ad-
JOHN FRASER, Pres’t.
Jan College, Centre Co., Fa.
llk Imtrifot lalnntwr
BY BRATTON & KENNEDY.
(Boobs.
JJABGAINSI BARGAINS!!
AT NO. 18.
ORE A T BED VCTIQN IN PRICES I
WHAT EVERYBODY WANTS
AT
S. C. ’BROWN’S
NEW DRY GOODS STORE I
GOODS ARE REDUCED FROM 10 to 20 per Cent.
In consideration of tho groat decline, tho un
dersigned Is now offering tho greatest Induce
menu offered In the county.
He is selling best Prints at 20 cts.,
Best 1 yd. wldo Bro. Moulin at 24 ots.,
Cot. Table Diaper at 02 eta.,
1 yd. best Tick at 65 ots.
DRESS GOODS!
American Delaines at 30 cts.,
Lustres,
Aipacoas all colors,
Cobergs all col’s. 3 to 6 quars. wide,
Wool Del&lnes 3 to 6 quarters wide, from 60 to 3100,
88 Inch French Merlnoes, beat mokes $125.
. MEN’S WEAR 1 MEN’S WEAR U
Broadcloths, very cheap,
All Wool Casslmeros from 3100 upwards,
Sattlnets, Jeans, Ac., Ac. ”
A full line of
Notions,.
Hosiery,
Gloves,
Zephyr Hoods,
Shawls,
Ac., Ac.
Call and boo for yourselves. Remember the
place.
8. C. BROWN,
__ ™ No. 18 West Main St., Carlisle.
Nov. 29, 1860,
JJARGAINSI BARGAINSII
SELLING OFF AT COST
AND NO MISTAKE f
I am selling off my entire stock of Dry Goods
AT COST, consisting of French, Plaid and Plain
Poplins, all wool Repps., French and English
Merlnoes of the most beautiful colors, ail wool
and American Delaines, Cashmeres, Black ana
Colored Alpaccas,
LADIES’ CLOAKING AND SHAWLS,
Shirting and' other Flannels, Canton Flannels,
Cheeks, Ginghams. Tickings, Table Linen, La
dles’ Vests and Under Ware of every description,
with a largo assortment of Misses and Infanta Me
rino under Vesta of every size, Calicoes, Muslins.
Balmoral Hoop Skirts, Ac., Ac.
Also, a large assortment of Gentlemen’s Wear,
Cloths,
Casslmeres,
Battlnets,
Jeans,
Shirting,
Flannels,
Ac., Ac.,
all of which must bo sold at coat until tho entire
stock is sold. My goods have all boon bought—
some at the lowest auction prices, tho remainder
at the lowest wholesale prices at tho Now York
and Philadelphia markets.
„ _ . . WM. A. MILES,
North Hanover Street, next door to Miller A
Bowers' (formerly John P.' Lyon’s) Hardware
Store. Remember the number—32 North Hano
ver, Sign of the Yellow Fannol.
Nov. 22,1800.
QREAT EXCITEMENT
AT
BOILING SPRINGS
SINCE SAWYER A HURD
HAVE OPENED UP THEIR NEW STOCK OF
FALL.AND WINTER GOODSI
SAWYER A HURD are now prepared to pre
sent to the public a magnificent assortment of
Dry Goods, Groceries, Queensworo, Hardware,
Hats, Caps, Boots and Shoes. SAWYER A
HURD respectfully invite the especial attention
ol the ladles to their elegant assortment of
DRESS GOOD’S,
containing tho latest styles and kinds of goods
selling in the New York and Philadelphia mar
kets, Dress Silks, in varieties of colors and styles,
WOOLEN DRESS GOODS
of every kind, Poplins of all colors, barred
striped and plain, medium priced goods. Do
mestic Delaines, Figured ana Plain Reps and
other cheap goods. SAWYER A HURD Invite
the attention of the ladies to their beautiful stock
of
DRESS SHAWLS
in • every color and style. We also Invite the
special attention of the gentlemen to our select
stock df
FRENCH, ENGLISH AND AMERICAN
Cloths,
Casslmeres,
Over Coatings,
Cheap Casslmoros,
Sattinets,
Jeans, Ac,
A FIRST CLASS TAILOR ;
whoso reputation Is wide spread, will makeup at
(short notice in the best style.&ny of the above’
< goods. All kinds of notions. Under Shirts, Draw
f era.Qloves, Hanover Back Gloves, Ties, Hose, Ac.
1 SAWYER A HURD request housekeepers to ex
amine their well selected stock of oil Cloths.
•Shades,.Blankets, Ac. All the various kinds ox
DOMESTIC GOODS.
kept In immense- Ticks, Cali
coes. Shirtings, Sheetings, Table Diapers, and all
■ kinds of White Goods,
BALMORAL AND HOOP SKIRTS,
best and cheapest In the county. In fact every
thing to induce purchasers to give ns a call.
I 49* Highest market pilces paid for all kinds of
Produce. .
i Do not forget the place and well known stand
formerly kept by A. M. Leldloh, Esq., Bolling
Springs. ■
1 Deo. 6,1866—3 m
"VTEW STORE!
■ NEW GOOD Si
R I N G’S
NEW D»Y GOODS STORE,
MAIJf S TRUST,
( Opposite tho Mansion House,
Next door to the Post Office.
Having rented tbo Store formerly occupied by
Mr. Wm. A. Miles, tbo undersigned Invites the
attention of the ladles of Carlisle and Its vicinity
to bis WELL SELECTED STOCK ot
DRY GOODS, i
DRESS TRIMMINGS,
AND NOTIONS,
Jast received from tbe Eastern Cities.
•, By itrlot attention to business, and a careful
'study of the wants and tastes of. bis customers,
'he hopes to obtain a share of the public patron
age.
ggr Special attention given to DRESS TRIM*
MINGS.
Nov. 8,1860— ly
-r\RY GOODS I DRY GOODS!
• FALL ,1866.
A. W» LENTZ. South Hanover
CARLISLE.
ID have just made ray second fall addition to ray
(already great and "extensive stock- of DRY
•GOODS. 1 have .selected the most desirable
'goods tbaf could be obtained in the Eastern Mar
jkets, paid most apedial attentlon to variety and
(taste, and am ftilly assured that after a thorough
investigation:!*made, ray numerous patrons,
'(tho ladles, of course I) wili.have all their wishes
'gratified.
I -1 have a variety of Ladies’ DREBS GOODS, such
ias Plaid and Plain Poplins, Lukins’ French Me-
Irinoes, of every shade and quality, Coburg*. Mons
'do Lalnea, ohdAlapacos, all colors. A full lino of
MOURNING GOODS!
Mourning Silks, Bombazine, Repp, double and
single • width, all wdol.De Lalnes. Alpacas,* Bn
igUsh Crape Yells and OoUars, London Mourning.
{Prints, Ac,
MUSLINS I MUSLINS!
very cheap and good-. -A large invoice of Clothes,•
Cassimetee, Jeans, .Velvet. Cord. A variety of
Ballard vale, Shaker and heavytwilled Flannels
Mode/Solferlno. Bine, Brown, Wine, Green apd'
Scarlet Saqne flannels. White and Colo’d Home
made Flannel; good Canton Flannels; Flints;
Gloves, Hosiery and Buttons of every kind;
Bhirtsand Drawers; HOODS; Nubias and Break-.
fast Shawls ;Dlanketa at lowest prices. . ... > ,
Don’t forget the well known stand, south of the
Court House, os wo aw prepared and wlll sell at
the lowest prices* A. W. BENTZ*
October u. 1866.
B. EWING,
CABINET MAKER
WEST MAIN STREET,
A SPLNFDiD ASSOnTKBNT OF
NEW FURNITURE
for tho Holidays, comprising
Sofas, . Camp Btools,
Lounges, Centro Tables,
Rooking Chairs, Dining Tables,
Rosy Chairs, Card Tables,
Reception Chairs. Ottomans, .
Bureaus, What-Nots,
Secretaries, <60., Ac,
Parlor,
Chamber, . .
Dining Room,
Kitchen
COTTAGE FURNITURE IN SETTS,
Splendid New Patterns.
BEDSTEADS AND MATTRESSES,
GILT FRAMES AND PICTURES,
Particular attention given to Funerals. Orders
from town and country attended* to promptly
and on reasonable terras.
Dec. 48,1860—tf.
Q A B INET WARE HOUSE
The subscriber respectfully informs his friends
and the public generally, that he stlU continues
the Undertaking business, and is ready to wait
upuu customers either by day or by night. Beady
mode Coffins kept constantly on hand, both
Emm and ornamental. He has constantly on
and Bisk’s Talent Metallo Burial . Case, of which
no has been appointed tho sole agent. This cose
is recommended os Superior to any of tho kind
now in use. It being perfectly air tight.
Ho lms also furnished himself with u now Rose
wood Hearse and gentle horses, with which ho
will attend funerals In town and country, nor
sonally, without extra charge.
Among tho greatest discoveries of tho ago is
WelVa Spring MaUrau, the beat and cheapest bed
aow in use, the exclusive right of which I have
secured, and will bo kept constantly on hand.
CABINET MAKING,
In all its various branches, carried on, and Beau
renus. Secretaries, Work-stands, Parlor Ware,
Upholstered Chairs, Sofas, Pier, eld© and Centro
Tables, Dining and Breakfast Tables, Wash
stands of all kinds. French Bedsteads. high and
low posts: Jenny Lind and Cottago Bedsteads.
Chairs of all kinds, Looking Glasses, and all
other articles usually manufactured in this lino
of business, kept constantly on hand.
His workmen are men of experience, bis ma
terial the best, and his work made in the latest
city style, and all under his own supervision. It
will be warranted and sold low for cosh.
He'invites all to give him a call before purchas
ing elsewhere. For the liberal patronage hero
tofiro extended to him ho feels indebted to his
numerous customers, and assures them that no
efforts will be spared in future to please them In
style and price. Give us a call.
- Remember the place. North Hanover street,
nearly opposite the Deposit Bank, Carlisle.
_, , IDflr , DAVID SIPB.
Dec. 1.1805.
QLOTHINGI CLOTHING M
GREAT PALL IN PRICES.
The undersigned Is now receiving his complete
assortment of
FALL AND WINTER GOODS,
which for style, beauty and price, cannot bo ex
celled.
His stock consists in part of fine Black and Blue
French and English Cloths, Extra Heavy Doe
skin, three cut and
FANCY CASSIMERES.
Also, a large variety of Cassinets and Tweeds,
Kentucky Jeans, and Cottonnodes, Linens, and
Linen Drillings, In great variety. Also a great
assortment or 4
READY MADE CLOTHING.
of every style and quality, White Linen and
Woolen Shirts, Summer Drawers, Ac. Constant-,
ly on hand a large assortment of Ties. Cellars,
Hosiery and Gloves, Linen, Bilks and Cotton
Handkerchiefs.
Also a full assortment of Trunks, Carpet Bags
and Valises, of every size.
Clothing made to order at the shortest notice.
Call and examine the stock.
Don't forcet the stand—South Hanover Street,
adjoining MHIor A Bowers' Hardware Btore, Car-
May 10,1866.
■piALL AND WINTER CLOTHING I
The subscriber, thankful for post favors, bogs
leave to Inform the public that he continues the
CLOTHING BUSINESS
in all its various branches, at his old stand. East
Main Street, two doors west of Saxton's Hard
ware Store, Carlisle. He will, as heretofore, keep
constantly on band, '
MADE-UP CLOTHING
of all kinds, and at prices that defy competition.
OVERCOATS/
DRESS COATS,
FROCK COATS,..
PANTS and
VESTS.
in every style and variety. .
Shirts, Stockings,
Drawers, Neckties,.
Gloves. Handkerchief!*,
Collars, Suspenders,
and every .other article to be found In a first
class clothing emporium.
Also, the best or French Cloths and Casslmeres,
in every variety. He has engaged the services ox
an experienced cutter, and especial attention
will be paid to putting up customer work in the
latest and most fashionable styles.
JOHN TRBIBLER.
Oct, 25,1666— ly
Q.RAND DISPLAY
OP CHRISTMAS* GOODS I
AT NO. 85 WEST MAIN STREET.
KRIS KINGLE
IS OOMIN&t t
Fond parents look to the Interest of your
sweet darlings I
John H. Rheom, late of the Firm of Rheem A
Spahr. announces to the public, that he has pur
chased the interest of his late partner, ahd. that'
he bosjust returned from tho City, with a mag
nificent stock of . .
CANDIES, TOYS AND FANCY ARTICLES,
consisting In port os follows:
Drums, Trumpets,
Dancing Jocks, Horses,
Mules, Topi and Dolls, -
of all sizes, 1 shapes and colors;
Doll Heads, Violins. a
Arms, • Furniture Setts,
Shoes A Stooklhgs, Tables,
Whips. Bureaus,
Sleds, Bolls,
Guns Honk's on -
. Tralns.of Cars, Sticks,
Wagons. Elephants,
Wheelbarrows, Dogs,
. Nino Pins, Cats,
- Magic. Lanterns, Mice,
and endless variety of other Toys, suitable to
the fancy of both ypung and old. . • •
I have selected my stock of Fruits and Confec
tions with the greatest care, and have the finest
assortment ever - brought to- Carlisle, -among
which arc . . .• < •
J. G.H.IUNG.
MALAGA G R’A PE B ,
Barbara and other Dates, Crystallzed Fruits o
all kinds;
LARGE WHITE TOYS,
Candy’ Apples, Poaches, .Pears and Eggs, Tar
Drops, St. John’s Broad, Cream Cocoa, French
Creams of all sorts. * • ■ .
1 am also manufacturing and have on hand
Clear Candy Toys,snobhsßaskots,Buckets, Rab
bits; Deers; Locomotives; Tabs, Birds, Chickens,
; and fanoy Figures of all descriptions,
r - Also, a splendid assortment of Toffies,.of my
lown manufacture,, such as Rose, VapUla, Lemon,
Butter. Carbmel, Walnut, etc, ' .
• All the above 1 now have at the old stand, No.
'B5, where I will bo happy to see and accommo-.
1 date all who may favor me with their patronage.
J. H. HHEEM.
’ Dec. 20,1866-^tf
TTENRY G. BEIDLER,
■ LICENSED AUCTIONEER,
KERSVILLE,
CuunKttnAND County, Pxnn’a.
Will attend promptly to tho calling of sales, at
the lowest rates. An experience of sevenu years,
warrants him in guaranteeing satisfaction in
every case. ' Residence near Diner's Bridge, West
Ipenn'sborough'townshlp. ‘ " '
i Jon. 8,1807-6 m -
3 ram BEST-PLACE TO BUY Boots,
I Shoe., Hats, Cope, Under Shirts, Drawers,
bq and Boys Gloves, io,,Ja at, PI.ANK'B Boot,
Bhoe.Hat and Cap Waro Koora, S. W. corner of
■ North Hanover Street odd Luonat Alley, midway
between Thudlum’s and WeUel’s Hotels, Carlisle..
: Nov,lB,lBM-0m
dfutulture, &c.
AND UNDERTAKER,
CARLISLE, PENN’A.
and Office
FURNITURE,
of tho Latest Styles,
in great variety.
TOWN AND COUNTRY.
(Slotting.
ISAAC LIVINGSTON.
CARLISLE, PA., THURSDAY, JANUARY 31, 1867.
IWlkiil
THE CART BEFORE THE HORSE.
nr ak irishman.
Oh, for some deep secluded doll,
Where brick and mortar life may cease,
To sit down in a pot of grease—
No—no—l moan a grot of peace.
I'd choose a homo by Erin’s wave,
With not a souud to mar life’s lot,
I'd by tho cannon have a shot—
No—by tho Shannon have a cot.
How fair that rocky Isle around,
That wide expanse to scan it o’er,
I love a shiver by tho roar—
I mean a river by tho shore.
Romantic Erin's Sea-girt land,
How sweet with one you lovo tho most,
To watch the codes upon tho roost—
I mean tho rocks upon tho coast. w
'Twere sweet at moonlight's mystic hour,
To wander forth where few frequent,
To come upon a tipsy gent—
No—no—l moan a gipsy tent.
lu that retirement, love, I would
Pursue some rustic Industry,
And make myself n boiling ten—
No—no—l mean a toiling boo.
Beneath a shady sycamore,
How sweet to breathe love's tender vow,
Your dear one bitten by a bow—
No—l moan sitting by a bough.
Or sweet with your fond wife to sit,
Outside your door at daylight’s closo,
While she's hard hitting at your nose—
I mean hard knitting at your hose.
Perhaps on early cares you brood,
While sympathy her sweet face shows;
’Tis good to walk upon one’s toes—
I mean to talk upon'one’s woes.
Ah I still you watoh that fairy shape,
A summer dress which does adorn,
Admiring much her laugh of scorn—
No—no—l mean her scarf of lawn.
Miscellaneous.
THE MISTRESS OF ME.VIffi.VHAIX,
BY CAROLINE CONRAD.
“ Greta, the magnificent,” people nam
ed her, she had such a grand ana queenly
air—such a fashion of ruling everybody,
from Rose Mendenhall, her little heiress
cousin, to the highest and mightiest dig
nitaries of the country. Strangers always
took her for the heiress instead of Rose,
and most, when they found their mistake,
were sorry that it was not as they first
thought.
Ah, she Was so beautiful, this Greta, she
had such a clear, fine complexion, she had
such great, .bright, strong eyes, her hair
was so lone, so silken, so abundant, so
wavy and golden, she had such a tall, ele
gant shape, such feet and hands, such a
voice, such a charming way—she was per
fection - of art. not nature.
Few would look twice at Rose when
Greta was near, for all Rose was the heir,
ess and Greta had not money enough to
bury her, if she chanced to die among
strangers. Some did look at Rose, how
ever, and those who got beyond the crust
of shyness and reserve In which she en
veloped herself mostly, discovered to
their surprise, os much sweetness as per
tains to the lovely blossom for which she
was named.
Rose Mendenhall was little, and dark
skinned as a gipsy, slender and fairy-like
in her proportions, timid and child like
in her disposition, devoted in her attach
ments, and satisfied that her cousin Greta
was the most perfect person in the world.
Nothing that pertained to Rose belonged
to her so much as to Greta. Greta was far
more mistress of Mendenhall than Rose
was, and by Rose’s choice. An imperi
ous mistress she made, too. Greta had
lovers by the scores—country squires and
red-faeed justices—though they were no
desirable matches, and Greta, the magni
ficent, pined for a lover who should be
worthy her charms and talents.
Her one dread was lest Rose should
marry before.she had secured a lordly
enough home, to atone for the banish
ment from the splendors of Mendenhall.
She. rightly calculated that a lord at Men
denhall would be a very differentlnstitu
tion from little Rose.
There was a letter which Rose’s father
bad left behind for her, which troubled
Greta much. This letter told Rose that
he had a friend so dearly loved that it
would almost be happiness to him in his
grave to have that love perpetuated by a
marriage between his daughter and his
frieud’s boij. This son would be of age
when Rose was eighteen. He would'
then,-In obedience to his father’s wishes,
visit her, and if the affbotions of each re
mained at their disposal, they might per
haps, bestow them according to the dear
est wishes of the two parents. There was
nothing authorlli ve in the letter—nothing
binding upon either party. It was only a
fondly expressed wish, but, as such, would
belaw to tbegeuerousaud impulsive Rose,
as Greta well knew.
Rose, however, had never, as yet, had
seen this letter, nor did she know of Its
existence. Greta retained it In her own
possession, and looked forward with al
ternate misgiving and eagerness to the ad
vent of this rival to her rule.
She knew he was heir to a sufficiently
barren patrimony, so that to win him
from Bose would not be worth her while.
But would he be of pliable mould ?—of
that temper which a wave of her white
hand would govern ? She knit her grace
ful brows over this problem indefatigdbly,
but nothing came of it until she beheld
the young man himself. fAlaa, then, for
Greta, the magnificent! She might put
her slender foot on the necks of the coun
try devotees; but there was one who look
ed more than a match for her wiles.
Bruce Oldroyd stood full six feet two ;
he had an eye like an eagle’s. He was os
handsome, as gallant,' ns gay, as chival
rous, as noble of mein and commanding
of presence as a.prlnce in a fairy talc:—
Greta Landsell saw him as he came up
the avenue, and her heart sank like lead;
she rallied and donned her bravest attire
for him* and her loveliest smiles.
As it chanced, Bose was away for a few
days, and young Oldroyd made the same
mistake others Bad done in supposing that
be beheld the heiress instead of Greta, 1
she having purposely dropped her. voice
beyond distinguishing in introducing
herself.
, Never had such a vision of beauty dawn
ed upon Bruce Oldroyd, as Greta Was
then seen in the half light of the morning
room, her queenly graces exquisitlvely
veiled with just the amount of conoio'us
ness his young Intended would be expect
ed to display, the color coming faintly in
her cheek, golden shadows shimmering
adown'her lovely head,-and scarlet smiles
'wreathing her moist Ups. And then,
when she lifted those large white lids,
with sweet eyes she looked
at him.
He fell madly in love with her in the
first half hour. It was not love so much
as Itwasglddy Intoxication—swift, sweet,
subtle, enthralling. By the next day
Greta told him his mistake, and, like
(those before him, he was sorry It was a
'mistake. It was not so bad, however. He
! migbt still love and marry whom he
pleased, and it Was not likely It Would he'
any other than Greta If she would love
him.
But Greta would not love him—at least
so she told him, standing in the purple
evening light* With drooped lids that con
tradicted most flatly what the scarlet lips'
had just ktddq- and then she let her white
(hand fiuttelrto the eager clasp of his,' and
looking np-to him with eyes of mingled
sadness and smiling, said softly:
“ Wedding joys are not for two such
Eoorlings as you and I. We may love,
ut'we may not marry."
; “ Why not?" clasping her swiftly to
him and looking -reproachfully into her
dangerous eyes,
' She shook her head.
“ You may despise me, you will, but I
cannot live without tblsluxury—itls nec
essary to me; without It I should die like
a bird lost in a northern winter.
She hachdropped her face to his shoul
der, so she did not see tho shadowy pain
that crossed bis face.
She disengaged herself presently from
his embrace.
“ You will marry Rose, my darling, you
ought to marry Bose—she Is my niece.
Bruce Oldroyd made a gesture of impa
tience and extended his arms for Greta to
come back to them. Butshesaid no more,
retreating from him, and smiling sadly ns
she went.
That night Rose came; but Bruce Old
royd had no eyes for her, and she shrank
away from him as she did from all stran
gers. Greta and he were always together,
she tightening her colls about him with
each day, siren that she was.
Rose watched them, sometimes, through
vistas in wood or shrubbery, or through
half-closed lattice, and the child's sweet
eyes filled with slow tears as she looked.
How beautiful Cousin Greta was, and—
and Bruce Oldroyd. Would anybody ever
love her, she as Bruce Oldroyd
loved cousin Greta ? It wasn’t likely.
Cousin Greta surprised these musin'gs
onij day and gave her a queer look. Bose
was looking pale—she was always that,
but Greta had sharp enough eyes to see
that this was something more than usual.
*' Why do you hold your hand to your
side in that way' Rose?" she demanded,
sharply.
“Iget a little hurting there sometimes,”
said Rose, simply.
“ What sort of a hurting—what makes
it?" Nonsense Rose, talk intelligibly
can’t you ?”
41 It is nothing," Rose said, “ not worth
talking about.”
Greta watched her a' moment.
"Her mother died suddenly,” she
thought; “I have myself been warned
that a sudden shook might develop some
thing. SAe looks more like it than I,”
with a proud glance In the pier glass op
oposi te at the reflection of her superb beau
ty. There was no paior there.
“ Rose loves you, Bruce,” Greta said
softly to her lover, half an hour after.
"Rose? Tush!’’
“It is true. You had bettor marry
her.”
Bruce Oldroyd turned upon her with a
haughty flash:
_"X may do so yet, Greta, don't crowd
fia'e too hard.”
Greta’s scarlet lips parted In a slow
smile and she watched him languidly
through half-olosed lids.
"I believe you would not cure a heart
throb if I did,” he said augriiy.
Greta laughed. She meant to provoke
him.
“ Tell ,mc that over again and I will
make you the sorriest ”
11 Never threaten a woman, Bruce.”
“If you ever tell mo to marry Rose again,
I will do it so help me—”
That night there was company at Men
denhall—some of Greta’s old admirers
among them—and she smiled upon them
till Oldroyd's blood was on fire with jeal
ous anger, and ho looked for Rose in sheer
spite.
Barling little Rose. How tier face glow
ed under his look, how tier sly. soft eyes
trembled away from his, and her cheek
grew hot and cold by turns.
Reckless Bruce Oldroyd, madly trifling
with one heart that he might wring an
other, as his own was being wrung. *
Greta Watched him furtively, aud he,
thinking she was touched at last, bent
lower still to look late Bose's sweet eyes,
and cadenced his voice to still more love
like tones.
“Oh Greta, such a happy evening,”
murmured Rose, as her cousin twined
her false arms about her that night at the
hour of retiring.
For auswer, the false red Ups hissed
her, and went away, smiling cruelly.
lu a few days there was company again
—Greta again in her role of coquette, and
Rose happy in Bruce Oldroyd’s smile.—
Then they all went to see a review some
miles away, aud Greta rode with oue of
her squires, and made such sore work of
it, this time that Bruce, maddened by her
coquetterlcs, lost temper and color com
pletely.
He was at her side as she galloped up
the bunk, crowding between her escort
like a crazy man.
“ You are trying purposely to vex me,”
he said, with an ashen face.
“ I?” quite innocently.
“ Give It over Greta, or—”
“Don’t be a simpleton,.Bruce. You
and I have had our game; let us cry
quits, and go our own way each.”
“Are you going to marry that block
head, Greta ?”
“Is it' not unlikely. You will marry
Rose, of course.
Bruce set his teeth and looked swiftly
over his shoulder. “ That blockhead had
' gone to Bose’s rescue.
“If you say the word, I will,” he said,
with a stilled imprecation.
“ I say it;” the voice clear, sweet, im
passive.’
“ Cousin Greta, I thought he lovedyou,”
Rose whispered that night,.hiding her
Ijttle face on Greta’s shoulder.
“ He asked you to marry him 7" ques
tioned Greta, with an Involuntary sink
ing of heart that she could have shook
herself for.
“Yes, Greta; oh, and I am so happy.
I love him so it takes my breath,”
“ She will relent now,” thought Bruce
Oldroyd; "she will never see me go
through this thing without givingasign.
May the pangs of jealousy devour her
heart as they hove mine.”
But Greta was strong. She gave no
sign. She suffered some, but she knew
too well that one softening look would
burst the web she bad woven with so
much toll. He would have been at her
feet, regardless of honor. Bose, every
thing but the passion with which she
thralled him, and the time was not yet
come for that. He and Bose must be
married first. She would see him Lord
of Mendenhall and then—
She caught her breath with a strange,
■sharp pang, and sat down with a scared
look.
“ I am agitating myself too.much," she
> thought, gravely. “ I did not think I had
1 heart enough to ache. My Prince, if you
knew how I loved you, but I love splen
dor more, and—ugh! this odd pain—l
must keep cool. I nave not slept enough
of late. I must take care of myself, or I
:may not live to be mistress or Menden
hall.”
What a trousseau Bose had, exuberant
of taste and vitality, with ample means at
her command, and eagerly seconded by
‘Greta, who seemed animated by a fever-,
dsh excitement of baste, the wedding
1 wardrobe grew to perfectness, the wed
ding feast was made ready, the priest and
the guests summoned.
" She will soften at the last—she must
soften before it Is too late,” said Bruce
’Oldroyd to himself.. “I will go to the
;end if she does not.”
I said she gave no sign. There were
signs that even her haughty will was
powerless to control. She could not keep
, the lines of her face from sharpening, her
fair, soft flesh from wasting, her eyes
from preternatural dilation and bright
ness. She could not still the pang that
ever and anon cleft her heart like a two
! edged sword, though she might sustain
her coward soul with the assurance that
It was, mere nervousness, and would
cense to trouble her when she was lady of
'Mendenhall.
It was a bravo wedding, the bridegroom
gallant and handsome beyond most; the
‘bride looking like an angel In her happi
ness and misty bridal robes. Both were’
pale, but that Is so common at weddings.
Greta was first bridesmaid, and looking so
handsome that it took one’s breath to look
at her. If Greta, the magnificent, ever
had condescended to such a thing, I
should have said she was painted this,
might, there was such a deadly palor on
her brow, such vivid bloom upon her
cheeks; and her lips were like threads of
scarlet fire. , The bridegroom did not once
look toward her, nor she at him: but her;
eyes burned under their white lids, like
I tropic suns.
She divided tho homage of the room
even with the sweet girl-bride. People's
eyes, followed her os though spoiled.—
Never, had she so charmed and dazzled
in a breath. She looked queen of Men
denhall ; and so she meant to be. Under
all that witching of look and manner
lurked no softness. Her heart was hard
ns the nether millstone, and pitiless as
Juggernaut's car. Human it might be,
enough to break some time, but it would
never melt; never be pitiful of any
but its own.
A little after midnight the guests be
gan to depart,, and presently Greta van
ished. The bridal chambers were in the
east wing; a suite of grand and stately
apartments set apart from time immemo
rial for the Mendenhall brides. They
had been refitted exquisitely for Rose,
and now clad in the soft twilight of ala
baster shaded lamps, serene and lovely ns
their mistress, waited her coming.
As first bridesmaid, it was Greta’s right
to enter here first, and she came, pacing
slowly the length of the entire suite, till
her own’ maid, a quick,'little Frenchwo
man came to her, nodded significantly,
and was gone. Greta caught her breath
and stood still where she was, in the very
center of the room, the lamps shimmering
white light about her, she drooping like
an exquisite statue in their midst. As a
step sounded near, and Bruce Oldroyd,
summoned by the French maid, came in
to the room alone, Greta dropped to the
snowy carpet, and lay like a piece of sculp
tured marble. It was superb acting.—
Thus she might have looked if her heart
bad Indeed burst with agony; her perfect
ly moulded arms tossed wildly before her,-
her features drawn, her face ghastly as
death.
The young bridegroom sprang forward
with a sharp cry aud caught her in his
arms, murmuring passionate words of en
dearment, and showering kieses upon her
cold face. She opened her eyes at that,
and clung to him with both white bands,
giving back kiss f&b kiss, and calling him
all fond names.
In the midst, true to her role, tho maid
brought Rose noiselessly beside them.
"Bruce! my husband ! Oh! my God!
why did you marry mo, then !” the child
said, with a cry that smote Bruce Old
royd to the heart. For the first time
glancing aside at the little white swaying
figure, he realized what an unutterably
wicked thing be had done—what a dis
honest, unmanly, cowardly wrong he had
done a woman who had been weak
enough to love him.
Wo to the woman who tempts n man
to the loss of his own self respect! Wo
to the woman for whom a .man soils his
honor, amf loathes himself forhisshamoi
Ten chances to oue he will include her in
tho loathing, soon or later.
Bruce Oldroyd loosened his
Greta with a groan; bis arms dropped
away from her like lead. Ho stood with
face averted, and stern.
Greta came beside him again, crossed
her wh|te hands upon his shoulder, and
laid her cheek upon them.
. “ He has married you, but he loves mo,
Bose,” she said pitilessly. Tho cruel
words stung even nim.
He shook her off as though she had
been a viper.
Greta stood up and looked at him, a
sudden and awful fright in her great
eyes. ►
Then Bruce Oldroyd nrossed to where
Rose had shrunk, and gathered his wife
in his strong arms.
“ I have married her and I love her !
So help me god ! I will be a true hus
band to the woman I have chose so long
as we both live!”
Greta moved slowly toward them, her
face rigid, her hands clasped tightly over
her heart.
“She will not-live long,” eho said de
liberately. “ I knew she had the seeds
of sudden death in her bosom, or I should
never have urged you to marry her. ' I
will be mistress of Mendenhall yeti”
“It is false I” said Bose’s husband, with
a look of horror and loathing at the wo
man who had made such a tool of him.—
“ I love Rose; she shall not die.”
Greta stood a moment, her great eyes
slowly dilating with some solemn and aw l
ful meaning. Then she turned and
crossed the room again with dragging step,
and dropped languidly into a great white
velvet chair, ana shut her eyes. Twice
she cried out sharply, and the hand upon
the snowy cushion clenched and un
clenched itself.
That was all, 6
“ Ah, monsieur—the mademoiselle! she
love you so, her heart break!—She have
one heart disease dese months; I tell her
so, but she not believe me! Now it
break! she die!”
It was the little French maid, come in
like a shadow to find her mistress dead in
her chair—dead of the very fate she had
intended for another.
Rose inherited her fatber’sconslitution,
not her mother’s and she lived to be de
votedly loved by her husband a life
through.
LIFE INSURANCE.
This is a term which has an uncertain
sound to many persons who have a vague
idea that it is staking or wagering a sum
of money against human life. Repelled
by this unpleasant Impression, they do
not wish to look further into tile subject.
It is enough for them to live honest and
pious lives, making what provision they
can by their industry for dependent fam
ilies while living, and be prepared when
it shall please their Maker to call them
away from this world. To insure our
lives seems like distrusting Providence, a
little reflection, however, would dispel
this false impressiou. No Insurance
company assumes to keep a man in life
a day longer than his appointed time;
but it does promise to provide for his fam
ily after his death.
Its language is, “We cnnnotassure you
that you will live until you can save
from your hard earnings one thousand or
five thousand dollars, but we will, on
certain conditions, assure those sums to
your family whenever you may die."
Thus explained, Life Insurance is seen
to be, not an not of presumption, but an
act of common prudence, and the best
protection against the inevitable calami
ties ot life. There is, surely, no distrust
of Providence in a man making such a
provision for his dependent family. Of
all who labor for their daily bread, few,
comparatively, witli the greatest indus
try and economy, are able to save enough
to maintain in comforts family suddenly
bereaved of its protectors. And even
when the head of a family has been able
from year to year to lay by a small sum,
the temptation to use the savings on some
unexpected emergency is very great and
too often irresistible ; to say nothing of
thoanxiety arising from the vicissitudes
of the business or profession from which
a man derives his Income, and, chief of
all, tile uncertainty of life. Now, it is to
avoid these difficulties and troubles, and
to make a sure provision for dependant
ones; in case of dcathj that Life Insu
rance comes with its friendly and impor
tant assistance.
As now carried on in this country and
In England, it deserves the name of a
'science, for its laws are ns comprehensive
and as well understood ns those of any
‘other. It is based upon carefully pre
pared tables, which set forth the results
(of long continued observations on the av
erage duration of life, at various ages.—
(From these it is not possible to ascertain
how long any one man will live, but of a
large number of men of the same age, the
;average duration of life may with a great
’degree of certainty be predicted.
For example, it has been found that of
ten thousand persons who live to be for
!ty years of age; one hundred and .thirty
■die in the following year; and of ten
thousand who live to be forty-one, one
hundred and thirtyreight die in the next
(year; and from such observations com-,
(panics are enabled to calculate the aver
|age number of years that men of forty
will live. Some may die at forty-one or
two, some may live to double that age,
■ mut the average life of each, will be near
: !ly or quite' twenty-seven years, or to the
’age of sixty-seven. Knowing from such
data a» 'hues the average number Of years
VOL. 53.—N0. 33.
caoh man who has attained a certain pe
riod of life may bo expected to live, and
consequently the average number of pay
ments each person who takes out a poli
cy on his life will make to a company, it
is easy to calculate the amount of each
payment necessary to secure.a certain
sum at death.
The subject of Life Insurance was first
putin practical operation in England.at
the beginning or the last century, and
has been growing In favor, and rapidly
extending its advantages among all class
es for the lost fifty years. The first com
pany of which we nave any authentic ac
count wad formed in 1706, each member
of which paid five per cent, per annum
on the amount for which be assured. The
rate was the same for ail ages under for
ty-five; since no such calculations of the
average duration of life at various ages,
existed, as are now employed by Insu
rance companies. This company was
formed on the mutual principle, the mem
bers agreeing to pay annually a definite
amount into a common fund, for which
was to be paid, at their successive deaths,
the amount which one had thus secured
for |ils family. The chief objection to
this society was, that from want of a prop
er discrimination os to age and health,
the young and robust members were com
pelled to pay for the old and infirm.
As might be expected, this inequality
was too apparent to remain long unoor
rected; and the subject of the duration of
life under all ordinary circumstances soon
engaged the attention of competent per
sons, who were at great pains to make
observations, and to construct tobies of
mortality. From the years 1782 to 1811
several tables were prepared from bills of
mortality in particular towns, and from
the Begistrar-General’s report of births
and deaths in England; but perhaps the
most complete and reliable table was
formed by d committee of actuaries in
1838, deriving l their data from the expe
rience of a large number of long estab
lished companies, which bad insured over
sixty-two thousand lives, and from the
census of England in 1811. These more
modern tables vary so little in their cal
culation, that their general agreementaf
fords a strong confirmation of their sub
stantial accuracy. From these it appears
that the average duration of life of a cer
tain number of persons in ordinary good
heal th who have attained the age of twen
ty-five, is thirty-seven years; of thirty
five, Is forty years; of forty-five, is twen
ty-three years; of fifty-five, la seventeen
years; and of sixty-five, Is eleven years.
Life Insurance both in England and in
this country is conducted on three prin
cipal plans or systems—the Proprietary,
Mixed, and Mutual. The first plan con
templates a company in which a number
of shareholders become responsible for a
large capital in order to induce public
confidence, and reserve to themselves the
' surplus remaining fiom the premiums,
after paying the sums required for death
claims and the necessary expenses of con
ducting the business, excluding the in
sured wholly from participation in the
profits. In the second or Mixed plan,
the shareholders take a part of the sur
' plus payments, and divide the remaining
portion among the insured. In some
companies formed on this plan in this
■ country, the shareholders by their char
ters, are limited to a seven per cent, in
terest ou the actual capital invested in
the company. In the last or Mutual plan
a company is composed of any number
of persons who, wishing to provide for
their families in case of death, agree to
pay annually a certain sum of money
called a premium, into a common fund
from which is to be paid, at their suc
cessive deaths, the amount which each
one has secured for his heirs. Directors
are chosen by the insured to manage this
|ommon fund for the mutual benefit of
"be policy-holders, so. as to secure a good
in terest for their money, and to apportion
the profits equally among the assured.
The business of Life Insurance is as
suming in this country already vast pro
pontions. Many very large companies
are in successful operation, and the man
ner in which their affairs are conducted
has justly gained for them the general
: confidence of the public. As the advan
tages of the system become more fully
understood, and the prejudices against it
die out, tens of thousands more will avail
themselves of the benefits which it offers. ■
There is no good reason why Life Insu
rance should not become os-general, and
be deemed as necessary and wise a pre
caution for a prudent man to adopt, as it
is now considered expedient by him to
: insure his dwelling, or store, or goods.—
Why not? There is at least five times
the risk of a man dying, that there is of
; his house or store burning. This is shown.
; most clearly by the difibrence in the pre
: miums required. And yet a man wjli
insure against the lesser risk of loss by
fire and fail to provide for the greater risk
, of loss to his family by bis death!
Another class of persons, besides those
who thus prudently make a provision for
their families in case of death, are avail
ing themselves of the advantage, of these
Life Insurance companies. Our large
capitalists, and shrewdest business men,
having examined into its merits, are com
i ing to regard it as one.of the best invest
ments they can make—that the money
paid as a premium upon Life Insurance
in a company conducted on right princi
ples, and where the assured are permit
ted to participate in the profits, will yield
a better return, considering both rate of
interest and the certainty of payment,
|imn if put into almost any regular busi
ness. We were surprised lately in look
ing over nn agent's list in one of our
principal companies, to see the number
and the amount of the policies issued to
merchants in this city, whose wealth is
reckoned by hundreds of thousands.—
These men regard this ns both a good and
safe investment, and as placing those de
pendent upon them beyond the contin
gencies of business.
If any one is disposed to ask, in what
company he shall assure? We can only
say in general, let him look well to the
principle on which the company does
business, to the securities .which it holds,
to the character of the men' who have
charge of its affairs, and to the annual re
port made on its condition by the State
Insurance Superintendent, an officer cre
ated by the State for the express purpose
of protecting its 'Citizens against unsafe
insurahee. There ore companies in this
city which will stand the closest scruti
ny, and which furnish the best possible
security,— Evangelist.
Anecdote of Pikrpont. —ln Hr.
Keal’s account of John Pierpont, in the
Atlantic, we find this anecdote:
“We were at breakfast; it was rather
late.
‘“Whore on earth is your good hus
band ?’ said I to Mrs. Pierpont.
“‘ln bed, making poetry,’ said she.
“‘lndeed!’
“Yes, flat on his back, with his eyes
rolled up in his head.’
‘Soon after, the gentleman himself ap
peared, looking somewhat the worse for
the labor he had gone through wlfh, and
all the happier that the throes were over,
and the offspring ready for exhibition. —
1 Here,’ said he, ‘ tell n;o what you think
of these two lines,’ handing mo a paper
on which was written, with the clearness
and beauty of a copper-plate:
“•Their reverend beards that sweep their bo*
soms wet
With the chill dews of shady Olivet.'.
“ 1 Charming,’ said I. ‘ And what then ?
What are you driving at?'
Well, I was thinking of Olivet, and
then I wanted a rhyme for Olivet, and
rhymes are the rudders, you '■know, ac
cording to Hudibras; and up rose the
picture nf the Apostles before me—their
reverend beards all dripping with the
dews of night."”
■ “ Cook out there: what aro you kick
ing my dog for?" “ I’tu kicking him be
cause he’s full of fleas, and I don’t want
to get them on my good ciothes!” “ Fleas'
the devil I why that dog sleeps with me.”
“ Yes, darn you, I know It; and that’s
whar he gets them.”
Memory should be a store-house, not a
lumber-room.
Hates for
i wlll bs Inserted at Tea Coats
per lias fbr tlio first insertion, and live cents
per line for each subsequent Insertion. Quar
terly, half-yearly, and yearly advertisements
eerled at n liberal reduction on the above ratsa.
Advertisements should be accompanied by the
Coso. When sent wlthont any l«h*m of Um»
specified for publication, they will be Continued
until ordered outrund charged accordingly.
JOB FEINTING.
Cab os, HAiTOßroie, Cihctjuaks, and every othsw
description of Job and Card Printing executed ua
the neatest style at low prices.
scisioßrae.
A “sbedy” institution —the Agricultu
ral Bureau; '
Gambler's “ chips”—the devil’s kind
ling wood.
The oldest deaf and dumb asylum In
the world—the grave.
The largest' room In the world—the
“ room for improvements.”
If you would iook,“sipraoe”Thyonrago
don’t “ pine” In your youth. s *
MEN aro like wagons—they rattle most
when there’s nothing in tbem'. :
Why is a generous man o good Chris
tian? Because he’s for-giving.
Homan existence hangs upon trifles.—
What would beauty be without soap?
The last place to look for the milk of
human kindness is in the pale of oivlUza-
When woaßutb very rude to Boar 7
When she pulled his .ears and trad on his
corn. - li:■ -
An exchange asks if we can throw any
light ou kissing. Wedon’twantto.- The
thing goes Just as well in the dark.
It is an Interesting sight to see a young
lady with both bands in soft dough and a
mosquito on the end of her hose.
An Irish editor, in speaking of the
miseries of Ireland, says: “ Her cup of
misery has been for ages overflowing, and
is not yet full.”
A California editor says he has been
presented with a radish, the size of a five*
gallon keg. That radlsn must be taken
with several grains of salt.
M. Jules Jnnin in a recent fullle
ton said: “‘ A horse, a horse, my king*
dom for a horse I’ to use Samuel John*
sou’s language. O rare Sam Johnson I”
The perpetrator of the following is still
at large: Why are oysters good for dys*
peptics ? Because they die Jest (digest) ba "
fore they are eaten. I
An exchange paper says; “ A mutton
chop, in boarding-school-parlance; mean*,
a piece of bone of a sheep from which Uf '
mutton has all been choppedoff. /
To render good for evil is God -Ilk/
render good for good is man-like;
der evil for. evil is brute-like; to rondel 1 :,
evil for good is devil-like.
A man was askod what induced him to
make a law student of his sou. “ Oh, be
was always a lying little cuss, and I
thought I’d honor his leading propensl*
ty.” ,
A cotemfobaby thinks the mlilenium
is very near when the government not
only makes good wholesome laWs for the
S' >, but also manufactures first-class
ey. -
” Bovs, what is oil that noise in school?”
“ It’s Bill Bikes-Imitating a locomotive.”
“ Come -up here, William; if you have
turned into a locomotive, it is time you
are switched off.”
A Thief was lately caught breaking in
to a song. He hod already got through the
first two bars, when a policeman came up
and hit him with a stave. Several notes
were found upon him.
An Illiterate character has originated
. the following conundrum: 11 What is the
difference between Ag the canonlte, and
a certain learned professor ? The canan
ite was Ag as was, the professor Ag-aa-is.”
A paper asks very innocently ifitjsany
barm to sit in the lapse of ages. Anothey
replies that it all depends on the. kud of
ages selected. Those from eighteen to
twenty-five it puts down os extra hazard
ous.
A garrulous fop, who had annoyed
bis partner in the ball-room by invidi
ous remarks, among others, asked her
whether “she had ever had her ears
pierced?” “No but I have often bad
them bored.”
A fascinating gentleman some time
-since was asked whether he knew the prop
er definition of wife. After considering
somewhat the. following definition was
given: Wife—A lay figure on which to
isplay velvet, lace and jewelry.
11“ How came your Democrats in Boston
to vote for negroes tbe.otber day in pref
erence to white men 7” said a mongrel to
a copperhead, “ When we can’t elect a
Democrat wo always vote for the next
best man,” coolly replied Cop, The dis
ciple of the Illinois saint mizzled.
“According to Miiton, Eve kept silent
in Eden to hear her husband talk,”
said .a gentleman to a lady friend, and
■ then added in a melancholy tone, “ Alas,
there have been, no Eves since.” “ Be
cause there have been no husbands worth
listening to,” was the quick retort. ’
A young wife remonstrated with- her
; husband, a dissipated spendthrift. on bis
conduct. “My love,” said he, “ I’m only
like the prodigal son ; I shall reform by
aud-by.” “ And I will be like thp prodi
gal son, too,” she replied’, "for X will
arise and go to my father,” and accord
ingly off she went.
A Methodist and a Quaker, having
stopped at a public house, agreed to sleep
in the same Led. The Methodist knefi
down, prayed fervently, and confessed a
long catalogue of sins. After he rose, the
Quaker observed: “Beally, friend, if
thou art as bad as thou sayest thou art, I
think I dare not sleep with the.”
Joe Kino was sick in a boarding house,
•and had got hia mind made up for some
nice chicken broth. The order weutdo wn
. 6 kitchen, and the broth came up
weak, flat and iusipld, The sick man
was subsequently relating bis disappoint
ment to a friepd, who said, ” they just let
a chicken wade through it.” * r If they
did,” said Joe King, faintly, ” it had stilts
on.”
A woman was testifying recently lu
court in behalf of her'son, and swore
” that he had worked on a farm ever since
he was born.” The lawyer who cross-ex
amined her said: ” You assert that your
son has worked on a farm ever since he
was born.” Says she ” I do.” ”Then,”
said the lawyer, “what did he do the first
year?” ”Se milked ,” said she, and the
lawyer evaporated.
The sun is called mausculine, from its
supporting and sustaining the moon, and
finding her the wherewith toshlneaiways
as she docs of a night, and from his be
ing obliged to keep such a family of stars
The moon Is called feminine, because she
is constantly changing, just like a ship
blown about by every wind. The church
is feminine, because she is married to the
T^ rae mausculine because
he trifles with the ladies.
A certain minister lately paid a visit
to a lady of his acquaintance, who was
newly married and who waa attired in the
modern fashion. After the usual compll
mens, hp familiarly said. “ I hope you
have got a husband, Madam.” “Yes. v
sir, ’ replied she, “ and a good man, too.”
* I do not know wlmt to say about his
goodnqpa,” added the minister, bluntly.
“ for my bible teaches mo that a good
man should clothe his wife; but he lets
you go half-naked I”
‘ Have you any lubricating drops for a
bronchial deficiency,” said Mrs. Parting
ton to Dr. WUhlngton, at the corner.—
“ Is your cold deep-seated?” said the doc
tor, blandly. “ I don’t know how deep
It la,” she said, with a bark like an Esqui
maux dog, “ ; but It is loud enough.—
What a time for colds this is. to be sure ;
I dedans I am completely exaggerated
with my cough.’’ “ You need afi expecto
rant, ’ said jthe doctor. “T expect
replied she, but whether it does an v good
or not Must depend upon how It hiiect*
mo, but l wlll take a box of atroolou**
lozeftgea, anyhow, which I have heird
spoken, of oa-tneliflous.” Ike spent hi-*
time In playing with the dumb bells.aud
the old lady asked the doctor to excuse
the liberty no took bucause the boy was
i so given to Jlmelastlcs.