J
liißthin three months; after which Three Dollars N %i^_^ii( y
i-.SRI be charged. These terms will bo rigidly ad- , “
I- SL,i t° in every instance. No subscription dis- - ■■■ ■ " ■ ■ ■
' "■"— l BY BRATTON & KENNEDY. CARLISLE, PA."fHUESDAY. MARCH 8. ISCtT VOL32^
o®rnciiil *ntovm,it(oir
HS U. 8. GOVERNMENT.
ISRiwldent—Andrew Jolmson.
FMllce President —L. 8. Foster.
?'< wEeerctary of State—Wm. 11. Seward.
'/•“fflK.erctnry of Interior—Jus. Harlan.
; ■Secretary of Treasury—Hugh McC
, : .Secretary of war—Edwin M. Star
Secretary of Navy-Gldcon Wd
’Sl»ost Master General—Wilt. Do
ltd® ttorney General-Jamcs 8.
justice of the United
■SB STATE aovr
HSovernor—Andrew G
Baßccrctary of State—l
■ Surveyor Gcnerol-
HKudltor General—
HKttornoy Gonerr
Kffidlatnnt Gene’
K|B|tate Treasure
fflWlilcf Snstic-
SSoodward.
SAssoclnte-
If
riprk and Recorder—Ephraim Coniman.
Rcinsier— George W. Hortli.
SLiuhShcrilf— John Jacobs.
Sounty Treasurer—Levi Zelgler.
Coroner— David Smith,
County Commissioners—John McCoy, Henry
&ns, Alex. F. Meek.
ElorK—James Armstrong,
attorney—M. U. Herman.
poor House Directors— C. Hartman, "W. 'Wherry,
pmtlmn Snyder.
Steward—Henry Snyder.
Auditors—D. B. Stevick, J. A. Hebcrlig, Chris
ln Dietz.
physician to Jail—Dr. S. P. Ziegler,
phvsician to Poor House—Hr. s. P. Ziegler.
tfjsaj
‘j-w!
■■■s&
BOROUGIi OFFICERS.
sMt’luel Burgess—John Campbell.
MN&ssistant Burgess—William J. Cameron,
kiaiffown Council—East Ward, J. W. 1). Qlllelen,
tvAVuirew B. Ziegler, Geo. Wetzel, Chas. U. Holler,
Hodman; West Ward, A. K. llcem, John
Robt. M, Black, S. 1). Hillman; Clerk, Jas.
-’W Masonhammer.
; vJiorough Treasurer—David Cornman.
Constable —Emanuel Swartz; Ward Con-
Mirobles—East Ward, Andrew Marlin ; Westward,
s. James Wldner.
iUj.aAssessor—William Noakor.
‘iM&Uiditor —A. K. Sheafer.
Collector—Andrew Kerr: Ward Collectors,
ypst Ward, Jacob'Goodyear; West Ward, 11. 11.
; i|wlUlams.
-;‘?p>Ueet Commissioner —Patrick Madden,
injustices of the Peace—A. L. Sponsler, David
[tfilnllh,, Abrni. Delmir, Michael Holcomb.
iSLauip Lighters—Alex. F. Meek, Levi Albert.
fS CHURCHES.
Presbyterian Church, nortliwcst angle of
KCfenlre Square. Rev. Conway P. Wing, Pastor.—
E-Services every Sunday morning at 11 o”cloek, A.
*M,, and 7 o’clock, P. M.
Presbyterian Church, corner of south
and Pomfrot streets. Rev. John C. Bliss,
’’Jb.stor. Services commence at 11 o’clock, A. M. r
«id 7 o’clock, P. M. A .
John’s Church, (Prot. Episcopal) northeast
Hgle of Centre Square. Rev. F. J. Clerc,_ Rector.
at 11 o’clock, A. M., and 7 o’clock P. M,
* relish Lutheran Church, Bedford, between
n and Louther streets. Uev. Sami. Sprecher,
tor. Services at. 11 o’clock A. M. f and
■ r otlock P. M.
' -ferman Reformed Church, Louther, between
I Hanover and Pitt streets. Rev. Samuel Philips,
I8 Mstoiv Services at 11 o’clock A. M., and 6 o’clock
.*alethodist E. Church, (Ilrst charge) corner of
jSiin and Pitt streets. Rev Thomas H. Sherlock,
ftstor. Services at 11 o’clock A. M., and 7 oclock
jfjl.
lethodist E. Church, (second charge) Rev. S. L.
man. Pastor. Services in Emory iM. E. Church
ll o’clock A. M. and '■&/> P. M.
Imrch of God Chapel, southwest cor. of West
jet and Chapel Alley. Rev. B. P. Beck, Pas
. Services at 11 A, M., and P. M.
t. Patrick’s Catholic Church, Pomfret, near
st street. Rather Gerdeman. Services every
icr Sabbath, at 1U o’clock. Vespers at \i P. Id.
lerman Lutheran Church, corner of Pomfret
Bedford streets. Rev. Kuhn, Pastor.—
'Wrvlces at 11 oclock A. M.
Wlicn changes in tlie above are necessary,
proper persons are requested to notify us.
DICKINSON COLLEGE.
lU‘v. Herman M. Johnson, D. D., President and
rol'essor of Moral .Science and Biblical Uiteru-
Samuel 11. Hillman, A. M., Professor of Math-
Uics.
folm K. Staymun, A. M., Professor of the Latin
li French Languages,
lion. James if. Graham, LI/. D., Professor of
jimrics P. Himes, A. M., Professor of Natural
ience and Curator of the Museum,
ttlcv. James A. McCauley, A. M. Professor of
!e Greek and German Languages. _
atev. Bernard H. Fadall, D. D., Professor of Phi
lophy and the Euglish Language,
alov. Henry C. Cheston, A. M., Principal of tlio
fammar School.
.M. Trimmer, Principal of the Commercial
mrtment.
Watson McKeehan, Assistant in Grammar
liool, and Teacher of Penmanship.
BOARD OF SCHOOL DIRECTORS,
£. Uornnum, President; James Hamilton, H.
xlon u, c. Woodward, Henry Newsham, C. P.
imerich, Sect.y; J. W, Bby, Treasurer; John
ahr, Messenger. Meet on the first Monday of
:li month at 8 o’clock A. M., at Education Hall.
CORPORATIONS.
* ’arlisle Deposit Bunk.— President, 11. M. Hen-*
S won; Cashier, J. P. Hassler; Tellers, L. A
ISmitli. NV.;A.'Cox, Jno. L. Waggoner; Messenger,
. Underwood; Directors, U. M. Henderson,
ddent; U. C. Woodward, W. W. Dale, William
2, John Zug, John Stuart, Jr., Abm. hosier,
ivy Simon, Sidles Woodburn.
hst ISulkmaV Hon. Samuel
pburn; Cashier, Joseph Hotter; Tellers, Messrs.,,
ead Orr, and Brenneman; Directors, Samuel
iburn, William Kerr: John S. Steritt, W. B.
ilin, John B. Leldlg, Isadc Brenneman, W. F
auiberluml Valley Railroad Company.—Pres
et, Frederick Watts; Secretary and Treas
r, Bdward M. Biddle; Superintendent, O. N.
I. Passenger trains three times a day. Car-
VeoQmniodftllon, Eastward, leaves Carlisle
• arriving at Carlisle 5.2 U P. M. Through
cwuins Eastward, 10.1 U A. M., and 2,-IU.P. M.. West
ward at V. 27 A. rL, and 2.55 P. M.
Carlisle Gas and Water Company.—President,
nuici Todd; Treasurer, A. L. Sponsler; Super
icadeiit, George Wise; Directors, F. Watts,
Middle, Henry Saxton, R. O. Woodward, J.
'non, Wm. M. Penrose, Peter. Spahr.
. SOCIETIES.
muberland Star Lodge No. 197, A. Y. M., in
'luriou Hall on tlio 2d and 4th Tuesdays of
mouth.
t* John’s Lodge No. 2GO, A. Y. M., meets on
Hi Thursday of every month, at Marion I
rlislo Lodge No. 1)1,1. O. of O. F. Meets M
it Trout’s Building.
tort Lodge No. 03,1. O. of G. T. Meets e 1
evening in Rheem’s Hall,'3d story
FIRE-COMPANIES,
ic Union Fire Company was organize!
House in Louthcr between TUt uml Hi
streets.
-ic Cumberland Fire Company was instil'
•ruary 18, 1801). House in Bedford, betv
|a and Pomfret streets.
igGoocl Will Fire Company was Institute*
ch, 1855. House in Pomlret, near Hauc
it.
I? Empire Hook and Ladder Company
ifuted 111,1859. House In near Alain si
txess and despatch
IE JOB PRINTING OFFI
liectocl with the American Volunteer,
been supplied with the most modern sp
Usof Type issued from the Eastern Found:
' ill connection with the Jobbing Office of
'timif, which lias been united with it,
the greatest variety of JOB TYPE to
,U( i in any Office in Southern Pennsylvania.
workmen, in taste and promptness, cam
belled in the Comity.
aro now prepared to execute all sorts
usually clone in a First Class Ofllce, si
■ bills,
posters,
CIRCULARS,
programmes,
BUSINESS CARDS,
INVITATION CA
BANK CHECKS, .
. LEGAL BLANKS,
TAPEU BOOKS,
p r^ Ls 0F lading.
lAMPHLETS
lc -, ic.
Vtin G IN COLOKS
A If I)
PLAIK PlilXTli
R INTING or EVERY DESCRIPT]
rt Uotico and reasonable rates,
Vill era Seu t by mail, accompanied hy the
•wUDjo promptly attended to
g.ti.rlinil
THE OLD CLOCK.
“Oil I the old, old clock, of the household stock,
Was the brightest thing, and neatest,
Its hands though old, had a touch of gold,
And its chime rang still the sweetest;
’Twas a monitor too, though its words were few.
Yet they lived, though nations altered;
And its voice, still strong, warned old and young.
When the voice of friendship faltered;
•Tick I tick!’ it said—‘ quick, quick Jo bed,
For ten I’ve given warning;
Up! up! and go, or else yon know,
You whenever rise soon in the morning !’
“ A friendly voice was that old, old clock/
As it stood in the corner smll Ing,
And it blessed the.time with a merry chime,
The wintery hours beguiling;
But a cross old voice was that tiresome clock,
As it called at day break boldly; *
When the dawn looked gray o’er the misty way,
And the early air blew coldly;
‘ Tick! tick!’ it said—* quick out of bod.
For live I’ve given warning, '
You’ll never have health, you'll never have
wealth,
Unless you’re up soon in the morning !’
‘‘Still hourly the sound goes round and round,
With a tone that ceases never;
While tear.sare shed for brightdays lied,
And the old friends lost forever I
Its heart beats on—though hearts are gone,
Its hands still move—though hands we love,
Are clasped on earth no longer!
‘Tick! tick I it said—‘to the churchyard hod,
The grave hath given warning;
Up! up I and rise, and look to the skies,
And prepare for a heavenly mornin g 1”
HOW MR. KEITH MANAGER.
1 Man’s Work is from sun to sun, but
woman’s work is never done.’ quoted
Mrs. Keith. •
She hud just finished her work for the
evening, everything was sided, and she
was taking up her sewing, when Mr.
Keith upset a vinegar bottle anti a bowl
of gravy in the kitchen cupboard, rumag
ing after a knife which was in his pocket
all the time.
Mrs. Keith relinquished her idea of a
little season of quiet, and went out to sot
matters in order again. Mr. Keith fol
lowed to oversee her —a habit some men
have.
'I wish you would try to be a little
more careful Henry. You do not realize
how many things I have to see to.’
1 Humph!’ said Mr. Keith sitting down
in a basket of freshly ironed clothes ; 1 I
never would complain of such a trifle as
that! If I didn’t know, I should think
all the women were in slavery.’
‘And you would be correct Henry. You
haven't the faintest idea—’
‘Nonsense, Mary! Why I could do
your work, and three times as much more,
and get all through at ten o’clock !'
‘ Could you, indeed ?’
‘ To be sure, if you would give mo the
chance of it.’
‘ You shall have it,’ said Mrs. Keith,
quietly. ‘ I have long wanted to visit my
Aunt Susan. I will do so now, and you
may keep house. I shall have to cook
up something—’
‘As if I couldn't cook! You will do
nothing of the kind, Mary. I shall live
like a prince, and you will see how nice
I will keep everything. You will hardly
know the house when you return.’
‘ I dare say,’ remarked Mrs. Keith, 1 but
when can I go ?’
‘ Tomorrow, if you like.’
1 Anti you fife sure you can manage !’
‘ Burei’ what a look he gave her; 1 you
shall see.’
Mrs. Keith laughed a little to herself
when her husband left her at the depot,
and turned his steps homeward to clear
the breakfast things and prepare dinner.
She only wished she could be there invi
sible, and see him manage.
‘Letmo see, soliloquized Keith enter
ing the kitchen; ‘ I’ll wash the dishes
first and I’ll put on one of Mary’s dresses
to keep me clean.
‘ Ho fastened it around his waist with
a pin, rolled up his sleeves, and looked
about him. The fire was out, but after
much trouble he succeeded In rekindling
it, and then began to wash the dishes.
He took them to the sink, plugged up
the spout, and put them to soak in a pail
of cold water.
1 There, they’re washed ’ said he to
himself; ‘now for something to wipe
jthom on. I’ll take the table-cloth. Such
■'a'fiiss as women do make about work.
Why, I could wash all the dishes in the
neighborhood in a half a day. This stew
pan smells of grease. I wonder what’s
the matter with it? There, I’ve got
some smut on my 'hand! there it goes on
that China saucer, deuce take it! I wish
there was no smut! —Hillo, there’s one
plate gone to smash! Oh, there goes the
cream pitcher! And I’ve stopped into
that potato dish that I sot on the floor to
dry, and that’s gone to shades! Never
-'mind, accidents will happen. Iguess I’ll
trim the lamp next; mother always
trimmed the lamp in the morning. Con
found ’em how black the chimneys arc.’
Thus conversing with himself, Mr.
Keith put the chimneys into the basin
and cogitated a moment. Ho had heard
it said that boiling water was cleansing.
So he scalded the chimneys, and the result
was about a hundred different pieces to
each chimney.
‘Good gracious !’ he cried, ‘ who’d have
thought it! There’s somebody at the
door. I’ll Just step out as I am. It can’t
be any body that I care for, so early as
this.’
A small boy presented himself, eyeing
Keith with ill-suppressed mirth.
‘ Be you mistress of the house?’
‘Yes —that is, I am the master!’ said
Mr. Keith, with dignity, ‘ what can I do
for you?’
‘ Nothing, I guess. Mann sent mo over
to see if you—that is—if the mistress of
the house would take care of the baby
while she goes shopping.’
‘No!’ thundered Keith. ‘l’ve other
fish to fry.’
The boy put his thumb to his nose, and
Mr. Keith, after slamming the door—as
men always do when they are out of
temper—returned to the kitchen. The
fire was out, and the room decidedly
smoky.
‘ I’ll go down the cellar and bring up
some coal,’ said he, and started briskly
down the stairs. On the second step he
put his foot through a rip in Ids dress
skirt—stumbled and fell to the bottom of
the cellar—smashing a basket of eggs
and knocking over a shelf loaded with
pans of milk.
1 Deuce take it!’ exclaimed he, scramb
ling to Ids feet, and rubbing his head,
“ how do the women mange with these
infernal long dresses ? I shall break my
neck with this set! ’
.RDS
The lire made again, Mr. Keith be
thought him of dinner. He looked at his
time-piece ; it was one o’clock. Almost
time for callers. What should he have
for dinner? He had heard his wife say
that a rice pudding and boiled potatoes,
and boiled steak.
He filled the basin with rice, stirred in
a little sugar, dropped in an egg and set
the vessel into the oven. The potatoes
he washed in soapsuds, that they certain
ly might be clean, and put them into the
teakettle, because they would boil quick
er.
The steam was frizzling in the frying
pan, and he was proceeding to set the ta
ble, when the bell rang.
He caught up the pan from tire lire—
to keep it from burning—and made haste
to tire front door. Then ho remembered
it would not bo just the thing to go to the
door with a frying-pan in iris hand, so ho
deposited it on the parlor sofa, and an
swered tiro ring.
Mrs. Dr. Mudgo was on the steps,
dressed in all her best.
1 Yes—l, dare say,’ stammered Keith,
‘my wife is absent, and I am playing
Bridget. ‘Walk in.’
Mrs. Mudge sailed into the parlor,
which was darkened to exclude the sun,
and without stopping to look at her seat,,
sunk into the frying-pan on the sofa.
‘Jupiter!’ cried Mr. Keith, ‘yon have
done it now!’
Mrs. Mu'dgo sprang up; the grease drip
ping from the rich silk on the carpet.
Her face grew dark. She was tempted to
say something cutting, but managed to
control herself; bowed haughtily, and
swept out of the house.
Keith returned to the kitchen a little
crest-fallen, for Mrs. Mudgo was a lady'
before whom ho desired to appear particu
larly' well.
There was a trempndous cracking in
the oven. Ho thought of his pudding,
and looked in. Tire burnt rice had
hopped all over the oven ; tho basin had
melted apart, and the pudding was not
done. He shut the door upon the ruins
in disgust, and looked after his potatoes
only to find them boiled to a perfect jol
ly.
And just as he had made the discovery
there was a sharp peal at the door bell.
‘ Creation! there's thatabominablebell
again. I wish folks would stay at home!
I’ll look all the doors, and cut all the bell
wires, after to-day.’
At the door lie found Mr. and Mrs. kid
get and their children.
‘ My dear Mr. Keith! how do you do !’
cried Mrs. Fidget. ‘We were in town,
and thought we’d just step in to dinner.
Whore is Mrs. Keith ?’
‘ She's gone away’ said Keith, ruefully,
wondering what he should feed on ; walk
in, do. lam housekeeper to-day.
‘ Y’es, so I should judge. But of course
you make a splendid one. I remember
you used to be frequently telling Mrs.
Keith and myself how very easy house
keeping must bo. It must bo mere play
to you. Don’t put yourself out, I beg.
‘"Put myself out, indeed’ cried Keith, re
treating to the kitchen. ‘ Good gracious !
what shall I do? I’d give a hundred dol
lars if Mary was only here! Where shall
I begin?’
Ho drew out the table and set it with
out any cloth; then took oil' the plates
and put on a cloth, the very one he had
wiped the dishes on. The task complet
ed, he put on some more potatoes' and
some more steak, burnt the steak to a
cinder ; took oil his potatoes when he did
his meat, and put all upon the table.
There was a loaf of baker’s bread in the
cupboard; ho paraded that, and called his
guests to dinner.
A quizzical smile spread over Mrs. Fid
get’s face at the sight of the repast. Keith
was in a cold perspiration.
‘ Ma, my plate’s all greasy, and so’s my
knife. I can’t eat on dirty dishes,' cried
little Johnny Fidget.
‘ And my fork is wet all over with wa
ter that’s dropping off the table cloth ;
and my taler ain’t half biled,’ cried little
Jane Fidget..
A slight noise in the kitchen drew the
attention of Mr. Keith.
‘Jupiter!’ he cried, ‘if Mrs. O’Flath
erty’s dog ain’t making off with my
steak."
He jumped from the table and started
in hot pursuit. The dog made the bestoi
it; Keith's unaccustomed attire was a sad
drawback, and he made but little head
way.
‘ Kill him,’ he yelled to the crowd that
joined in the pursuit; I’ll give fifteen
dollars for his hide.’
Mrs. O’Flatherty herself appeared on
the scene with a skillet of hot water.
‘Tetch him if yerdaro!’ she cried. .‘ I’ll
break the bones of every mother’s son of
yees. .Stand from forninst, or ye’ll rue
the day.’
Keith took a step forward, stepped on
his skirt, and pitched head-first into a
wine cellar, where half a dozen men
were playing cards.
‘The devil ip petticoats!’ exclaimed
one gamester, and the place emptied
quicker than a wink.
The police picked up Mr. Keith, con
siderably bruised, and carried him home.
His company had taken their departure,
and somebody not having the fear of the
law upon them, (bad entered and stolon a
hundred dollars’ worth of property.
Mr. Keith sent the following note to
his wife by the evening mail:
Dear Mary :—Come home; I give up
beat. A woman does have a great deal to
do. I confess myself incompetent to
manage. Come home, and you shall
have a now silk dress, and a daughter of
Erin to divide your labors.
Yours disconsolately.
H. Keith.
Sint’S of the Ben.— General Taylor
immortalized himself by perpetrating one
of the grandest bulls on record, in which
he attained what a certain literary pro
fessor calls “ a perfection hardly to be
surpassed.” In his Presidential address
he announced to The American Congress
that tire United States were at peace with
all the world, and continued to cherish
relations of amity with the rest of man
kind.” Much simpler was the blunder
of an English officer, during the Indian
mutiny, who informed the public, through
the Times, that thanks to the prompt
measures of Colonel Edwards, the sepoys
at Fort Maehison, “ were all unarmed and
taken aback, and being called upon laid
down their amis.” There was nothing
very astonishing in an Irish newspaper
stating that Robespierre “ left no chil
dren behind him but a brother, who was
killed at the same time but it was start
ling to have an English Journal assure
us that her Majesty Queen Victoria was
‘‘the last person to wear a man’s crown.”
Addison lays it down as a maxim, that
when a nation abounds in physicians it
grows thin of people. Fillibuster Hon--
ningsen seems to have agreed with the
essayist or he would hardly have inform
ed General Walker, in one of his dispatch
es’ that “ Doctors Bice and Wolfe died of
the cholera, and Dr. Bindley sickened,
after which the health of the comp visi
bly improved.” Intentionally or not,
the stouthearted soldier suggests that the
best way to get rid of the cholera is to
make short work of the doctors. Among
the obitury notices in a weekly paper,
not many months ago there appeared the
name of a certain publican, with the fol
lowing eulogium appended to it; “Ho
was greatly esteemed for his strict probity
and steady conduct through life he hav
ing been a subscriber to tho Sunday Times
from its first number.” This is a worthy
pendant of Miss Hawkin’s story of the
undertaker writing to the corporation of
Loudon: “I am desired to inform the
Court of Aldermen Mr. Alderman Gill
died last night, by order of Mrs. Gill.
Js@r' Why is the punishment of the
birch practiced by some pedagogues ?
Because they are of opinion that it makes
dull boys smart.
B®" The shoe business is exceedingly
prosperous, because every pair is soled be
fore it is finished,
SWAU.OW'ISG AX OTSTEII AI.IVJ:
At a late hour 6nc night, the door of
an oyster house in St. Louis was thrust
open, and in stalked a hero from the
SnekerStalc. lie was quite; six foot high,
spare, somewhat stooped, with a hungry,
anxious countenance, and his hands
pushed clear down to the bottom of his
breeches pockets. His outer covering
was hard to deline, but after surveying it
minutely, we came to the conclusion that
his suit had been made in his boyhood,
of a dingy yellow linsey-woolsey, and
that, having sprouted up with astonishing
rapidity', he had been forced to piece it
out with all colors, in order to keep pace
with his body'. In spite of his exertions,
however, ho had fallen in arrears about a
foot of tiie necessary'length, and, conse
quently stuck that far through his inex
pressibles. His crop of hair was sur
mounted by tlie funniest little seal skin
cap imaginable. After taking a position,
ho indulged in a long stare at the man
opening the bivalves, and 'slowly ejacu
lated —“isters!”
“ Yes, sir,” respondea the attentive op
erator—“and fine ones too.” *
“ Well, I’ve heard of istors afore,” said
he, “but this is the fust time I’ve seed
em, and perhaps I'll know what they are
made of afore I get out of town.’’
Having expressed this desperate inten
tion, lie cautiously approached the plate,
and scrutinized 'the uncased shell tisli
with a gravity and interest which would
have done honor to the most illustrious
searcher into the hidden mysteries of na
ture. At length ho began to soliloquize
on the difficulty of getting them out, and
how queer they looked when out.
“I never seed anything hold on so—
takes an amazin site of screwin, hoss, to
get cm out, and aint they slick, and slip
pery when they does come? Smooth as
an cel! I’ve a good mind to give that
fellow lodgin' Jist to realize the effect, as
uncle Jess used to sayaboutspeeulation.”
“ Well, sir,” was the reply, “down
with two bits, and you can have a dozen.”
“Two bits!” exclaimed the Sucker,
“ that's stickin’ it on right strong, hoss,
for isters. A dozen on em aint nothin to
a chicken, and there's no gettin imir'n a
picayune a piece for them. I have only
realized forty-live picayunes on my first
venture to St. Louis. I’ll tell you'what,
I'll gin you two chickens fora dozen, if
you’ll conclude to deal.”
A wag who was standing by indulging
in a dozen, winked to the attendant to
shell out, and the oiler was accepted.
"Now mind,” repeated the Sucker,
“all fair—two chickens fora dozen —you're
a witness, mister, turning at the' same
time to the wag; none of your tricks, for
I’ve heard that you city fellers are mity
slip’ry coons.”
The bargain being fairly understood,
our Sucker prepared himself for the on
set; deliberately put off his seal skin,
tucked up his sleeves, and, fork in hand,
awaited the appearance of No. 1. It came
—lie saw—ami quickly it was bolted! A
moraen’ts dreadful pause ensued. The
wag dropped his knife and fork with
a look of mingled amazement and horror
—something akin to Shakspere's Hamlet
on seeing his daddy's ghost—while he
burst into the exclamation.
"Swallowed alive, as I’m a Christian 1”
Our Sucker hero had opened ids mouth
with pleasure a moment before, but now
it stood open. Fear—a horrid dread of lie
didn’t know what —a consciousness that
all wasn’t right, and ignorant of the ex
tent of the wrong—tile uncertainty of the
moment was terrible. Urged to'desper
ation lie faltered out—
“ What on earth’s the row?”
"Hid you swallow it alive?” inquired
tiio wag.
"I swallowed it Jest as begin it to me,”
shouted the Sucker.
“You’re a dead man!” exclaimed his
anxious friend, “the creature is alive,
and will eat right through you,” added
he in a most hopeless tone.
“Get a pizen pump and pump it out!”
screamed the Sucker in a frenzy, his eyes
fairly starting from their sockets. “ O
gracious what’U 1 do!—lt’s got hold of
my innards, already and I’ni dead as a
chicken ! Ho something for me, do —don’t
let tile infernal sea-toad eat me afore your
eyes. ’ ’
“Why don’t you put some of this on
it?” inquired the wag, pointing to a bot
tle of strong pepper-sauce.
The hint was enough—the Sucker, up
on the instant, seized the bottle, and des
perately wrenching out the cork, swal
lowed half tlie contents at a draught. Ho
fairly squealed from its effects, and gasp
ed and blowed, and pitched and twisted,
as if it were coursing through him with
electric effect, while at the some time his
eyes ran a stream of tears. At length be
coming a little composed, ids waggish ad
viser approached, almost bursting with
suppressed laughter, and inquired :
“'How are you now, old fellow, —did
von kill it?”
“Well, 1 did, boss—ugh o-o-o my in
ards. Ifthatistcr critter's dyiu agonies
didn’t stir a ruption in me equal to a
small earthquake, then taint no use say,
in it —it squirmed like a serpent, when
that kilim stuff touched it; hu’—and here
with a countenance made,up of suppress
ed agony and present determination, he
paused to give force to his words, and
slowly and deliberately remarked, “if
you get two chickens from me for that
live animal, I’m d—d!” and seizing his
seal-skin he vanished.
*■ My Mollier—Mollier.**
It is said that these were among the
last words of the great lamented Henry
Clay.
Mothers, learn hero a lesson. Look at
your sons and daughters, and realize tins
important truth, that in the nursery is
laid the foundation of your child's future
life. Instead of teaching them to play
the empty-headed coxcomb, and to 'tctc
■a tctc a lifetime away in nonsense, teacli
them the path of true greatness and use
fulness. Who arc the men who have
adorned human nature, and reflected a
halo of glory upon their country? They
are, with few exceptions, those who in
infancy learned to clasp their tiny hands
and kneel at a mother’s side, ami dedica
ted their hearts to the Father of spirits.
A mother’s hallowed influence never
dies. The hoy never forgets the moth
er’s love. Though ho may wander far
from home, and engaged in many vices,
yet that mother’s voice, soft and tender,
that fell upon his car in infancy, is home
upon many a parting breeze, and whis
pers, “My son, my-son, remember a
mother’s love; how she lias taught you
to pray, and reverence the God of mercy.”
Seventy-live long years have been num
bered with the past; scenes, political and
national, warm and exciting, had passed
away; near lifty years had marked the
resting-place of that Christian woman,
when her noble son, upon the bed of death,
is hoard calling for “ my mother, moth
er, mother.” Sweet words for the lips of
one who owed Ids greatness to the ma
ternal care of a mother’s love !
Mothers, do you wish your sons to hon
or you in the busy conflicts of life, to bo
ornaments to society, to call upon you in
the cold hour of deatli ? Then act to them
a mother's part—loach them the wav'd’
virtue, of morality, and of religion.
Says Artcmus Ward: “Yu ma ditler
as much as you pleze about the stile of a
young lady's Hgger, but I tell you eon
ierdonshaliy and trooly if she has forty
thousand dollars, or thereabouts, the lig
ger is as neat rito as you can git it.”
C’OTTOX.
Hie war with tho cotton producing
States has made it rather fashionable, in
some quarters, to depreciate the commer
cial importance of our great article of ex
port. For the information of those who
will he curious to note what effect tho
war inis had upon this trade, and with a
view to disseminate correct information
in a matter of so much importance, we
append tho following figures compiled
from trustworthy sources. Great Britain
is the great Cotton buydiig country'; her
/imports of the raw material for 18(50, (the
year in which our war commenced,) 1804
and 1805, wore as follows : »
T . 18IW. ISIII.I. 1803.
United .Slides I.IIS.StM.GUS 70,3)0,000 184, 800,000
Brazil 17,280,804 81,800, IKK) 18(1,000,000
~ ..,«U,WM JVI,OUU,\.. . JiHI.UIIU.Uv.
£?sypt r.i, mc . «,«, 11)2,800,000 18.'},G00,000
rurkcy., { 1 ».0.<b,«.06 21,800,000 82,000,000
west 111(11 CS 1,050,784 21,000,000 52 400.000
Last Indies 201,141,108 550,000,000 500,400,000
China, *tc 7,127,001 130,000,000 50,800 000
1,380,533,0031,011,800,000 1.102,000,000
It will be seen from this table that Bra
zil sells England nine times ns much cot
ton as she did before our war; Egypt and
Turkey four times as much; the West In
dies fifty times as much ; the East Indies
twice ns much ; and China eight times ns
much; while the sales of the United
States have fallen off 931,090,008 lbs.—
The currency value of this nine hundred
million pounds of cotton, if wo had it to
sell to-day in New York, would be the
enormous sum of $450,000,000. The actu
al value of cotton exports for 1860, at the
average price for that year, was $191,808,-
555, in gold. The astonishingly success
ful efforts of England to supply her cot
ton spinners with raw cotton from other
parts of the world, to make up for the
falling off of shipments from the United
•States during the four years of war, attest
the vigorous enterprise of that nation. —
It will bo seen that the cotton growers of
this country have now to contend with
producers in all the four quarters of the
globe who have built up their trade on
the ruin of ours.
Beside the cotton exported in 1860 to
England and other countries, amounting
in the aggregate to 1 7G7,680,338 lbs., there
was consumed in this country 401,720,000
lbs., the value of which should be carried
to the credit of the cotton account, before
wo can fully grasp tiie magnitude of tills
groat interest at the commencement of
the war. The following table exhibits
tlie relative importance of cotton as com
pared with other articles exported from
the country for the year I 860:
t’otton :S191,80(1,360
Ollier products Southern stales 37,221,471
Total exports Northern States 20,0111,805
Total exhorts Western States 01,101,532
rtold and Silver 50,010,851
Total exports, IS0I) 8373,189,274
Showing the value of tills great staple to
exceed one-half the total exports! of the
country, including gold and silver coin
and bullion !
These statements have their present
significance in tlie fact Hint we are now
paying out government bpnds, instead of
cotton, to settle the differences between
what wo sell to foreign nations and what
wo buy of them. It is estimated that
8300,000,001) of Government securities are
now Held abroad, representing the dispar
ity between our imports and exports. —
The cotton never came back to trouble us.
Wo are afraid the bonds will come back
when we least want to see litem. Beside,
in the face of the competition engendered
by our criminal folly,.the entire derange
ment of tlie labor system of the Boufh,
our absolute need of this magnificent
source of national wealth in this day of
our financial distress, and in the enforced
absence from tlie halls of Congress of the
natural guardians of this great interest,
it is gravely promised to add to present
embarrassment and dillieulty by taxing
raw cotton five cents per pound, without
drawback on exports, thus paying a pre
mium to foreign producers out of the
pockets our of own ! As we have shown
above, three-fourths of all the cotton
raised in (his country is sold in foreign
markets. Tlie average price, up to the
time of the cotton famine caused by the
blockade of the iSouthern ports, was not
over 1(1 cents per pound, laid down in
Liverpool. The American producer can
not ask his English customer to pay the
tax ; he must meet the market, and' take
for his cotton the price untaxed producers
are willing to sell for. If cotton sells in
Liverpool for 10 cents he must ,take 10
cents, and compete for trade with tlie dis
advantage of being robbed of half his ear
nings at the onset. The East India Com
pany, wlto have been trying for the last
seventy-live years to establish cotton cul
ture in Innia, would no doubt build a
monument to commemorate the self-de
nying virtue of the Kepublican Congress
that will lay this tax. But our own peo
ple should' execrate these malignants
whose petty hate extends beyond men to
things. We thank Heaven, that so far
as the proposed tax on exports is concern
ed, the old Constitution yet interposes its
benign shield between tlie oppressor and
tlie oppressed!
*Tho calculations for 18(11 and Isildarc based on
an average of lUO lbs. per bale, and copied from a
Manchester trade circular of late date, cl vine a
careful review of the Cotton Market for [sir,.
Tilings not Generally Known.
“ There is death in the pot," is from the
Bible, 2 Kings, iv. 40.
“Lovely and pleasant in their lives,
and in death they were not divided,’’ is
spoken of Haul aiul Jonathon, 2 Samuel,
i, 03.
“A man after his own heart,’’ 1 Sam
uel, xiii. 12.
“The apple of his eye,” Dent., xix. 12.
“ A still, small voice,” 1 Kings, xix. 12.
“ Kscapcd with the skin of my teeth,”
Joh, xix. 20.
“That mine adversary had written a
hook.” Job. xxi. 35.
“Spreading himself like a green bay
tree,” Psalms, xxxvii. 20.
“Hanged our harps upon the willow,”
Psalms, cxxxii. 2.
“ Riches certainly make (not take, as it
is often quoted,) themselves wings.” Prov.,
xxiii. 5.
“Heap coals of fire upon his head,”
Ibid, xxv. 2“
“No new thing under (lie sun,” Ec
clesiastes, i. n.
“Of making many books there is no
end,” Ibid, xii. I”.
" I’eace, peace, when there is no peace,”
’(made famous by Patrick Henry,) ,lere
miah. viii. 11.
“ My name is legion,” Mark, v. 0.
“ To kick against thepriedis.” Acfs, ix.s.
“Make a virtue of necessity,” Shako
spear’s Two Gentlemen of Verona.
“All is not gold that glitters,” Mer
chant of Venice
“Screw your courage to the sticking
plane," (not poi/if l Macbeth.
“ Make assurance doubly sure,” Ibid.
“ Hang out your banners upon the out
ward walls, Ibid.”
“ Keep the word of promise to our (not
the) ear, but break it to our hope,” Ibid.
“ It’s an ill wind turns no good.” usu
ally quoted. “ It’s an ill wind that blows
no one any good,” Thos. Tasser, 1850.
“ Christmas comes but once a year,”
Ibid.
“ Took ere you leap,” Ibid ; and “ Look
before you, ere you leap,” Hudibras, com
monly quoted, “Look before you leap.”
“ Out of mind as soon as out of sight,”
usually quoted, “Out of sight, out of
mind,” Lord Brooke.
“What though the field be lost, all is
not lost,” Milton.
“Awake, arise, or be forever fallen,”
Ibid.
“Necessity, the tyrant's plea,” Ibid.
Tlioy Won*! Trouble Yon Lon^,
Children grow up—nothing on earth
grows so last as children. It was hut
yesterday, and that lad was playing with
a to]), a buoyant hoy. He is a "man ami
gone now ! There is no more childhood
lor him or for us. Life has claimed him.
When a beginning is made, this like a
raveling stocking, stitch by stitch gives
way till all are gone. The house lias not
a child in it. There is no more noise in
the hall—boys rushing pell-mell; it is
very orderly ndw. There are no more
skates or sleds, bats, balls or strings, left
scattered about. Things are neat enough
now.
There is no delay of breakfast for sleepy
folks; there is no longer any task before
you lio down of looking after anybody,
and tucking up the bod clothes. ‘ There
are no disputes to settle, nobody to get oft’
to school, no complaints, no importuni
ties for impossible things, no rips to mend,
no fingers to tic up, no faces to be washed,
or collars to be arranged. There was
never such peace in the house! It, would
sound like music to have some feet clat
ter down the front stairs! O for some
children’s noise!
What used to ail us that we were hush
ing their loud laugh, checking their
noisy frolic, and reproving theirslamiuing
and banging the doors ? Wo wish our
neighbors would only lend us an urchin
or two to make a little noise in those pre
mises. A house without children! it is
like a lantern and no candle; a garden
and no llowers ; a vine and no grapes; a
brook and no watergurgling and rushing
in its channel. We want to bo tried, to
bo vexed, to be run over, to hear child
life at work with all its varieties.
During the secular days, this is enough
marked. But it is Sunday that puts our
homes to the proof. That is the Chris
tian family day. The intervals of pub
lic worship are long spaces of peace. The
family seems made up on that day. The
children are at homo. You can lay your
hands on their heads. They seem to re
cognize the greater and lesser loye—to
God and friends. The house is peaceful,
but not still. There is a low and melo
dious thrill of children in it. But Sun
day comes too still now. There is a si
leuce that aches in the car. There is too
much room at the table, too much at the
hearth. The bed-rooms are a world too
orderly. There is too much leisure and
too little care.
Alas! what mean those things? Is
somebody growing old ? Are these signs
and tokens? Is life waning?
Henry Ward Beecher
Size op the Ark.— lnfidels have ob
jected to the size of the ark —have assort
ed that it is quite absurd to suppose that
ever there could be a vessel constructed
large enough to hold all the creatures
which must have been placed in it, with
sufficient food, it may be for six or twelve
months—water for the lish, corn for the
four footed animals, seed for the birds,
and so on. Now we will take the dimen
sions of the ark from the record of Moses,
and calculate them on the lowest possi
ble scale. There are two definitions giv
en to a cubit; one that it is eighteen inch
es. Wo will take it only at the lowest. —
Moses states that the ark was three hun
dred cubits long ; this would make it four
hundred and fifty feet long, or about the
length of Ht. Paul’s Cathedral, London.
Tile breadth lie states to be forty cubits ;
wc then have it seventy-live feet in
breadth. He states it to be thirty cubits
high, so that it. was forty-live feet in
height. The tonnage of theark according
to the computation of modern carpenters,
must have neon thirty-two thousand tons.
Tile largest Hnglish ship, of a size alto
gether unimaginable to those who have
never seen it, is two thousand live hun
dred tons burden; so that (he ark must
have been equal to seventeen first-rate
ships of war, and if armed as such ships
are, it would have contained beyond
eighteeen thousand men, and provisions
for them for eighteen months. Bulfon
has asserted that all four fooled animals
may be reduced to two hundred and fifty
pairs, anil the birds to a still smaller
number. On calculating, therefore, we
shall find that the ark would have held
more than live times the necessary num
ber of creatures, more than live limes tHe
required quantity of food to maintain
them for twelve months. — Dr, Cummings.
A War Anecdote. —Colonel I’eros
Von Borcke, who is writing for Black
wood the story of his adventures, as aid
to the Confederate ( tenoral Stuart during
the war, tolls the following story which,
beingathisown expense, is probably (rue :
“ One of the Yankee ollieers, wlio, as I
was later informed, was the Colonel of
(ho regiment that hail effected its escape
from Harper’s Kerry, had attracted my
attention by his gallantry, and the excel
lent disposition he made of his troops, f
saw him again, galloping very near ns on
a very handsome gray horse, quickly dis
covering our weak points, and posting
and instructing his men accordingly.—
After having loft him undisturbed for
some time, I thought it necessary to put
a stop to his proceedings, and selecting a
couple of my infantrymen who had been
pointed out to mo as the best shot, X made
across the open space in (rout of our lines
directly towards him. Having arrived
within reasonable distance, I ordered my
sharpshooters to.fire at the daring Colon
el, who was moving along at an easy gal
lop, without paying me the slightest at
tention. After several bullets had whis
tled quite close to him, he suddenly halt
ed, and turning round, advanced' a few
steps, and made me a military salute in
the most graceful manner possible. Then
calling out to one of his men to hand him
a carbine, ho raised the weapon, took de
liberate aim at mo, and sent his hall so
close to my head, that I thought it had
carried away a lock of my hair. 1 saluted
him now on my part, and wheeling round
quickly, both of us rode back to our re
spective lines. Such courtesies are some
times exchanged in the midst of hostile
conflict.
Axkcdotk of Mu. C'okwix. —Mr. Cor
win, with all his success at the bar, be
fore tfie’people ami in Congress, regarded
his life as a failure. We were ridilig to
gether one sunny morning in tile sum
mer of 18U0, when lie turned and remark
ed of a speech made file evening before :
“ It was very good, indeed, but in bad
style. Never make people laugh. I see
you cultivate that. It is easy and capti
vating, but death in the long run to the
speaker.”
1 Why, Mr. Corwin, you are the last man
living I expected such an opinion from.”
“ Certainly, because yoti have not lived
as long as I have. lio yon know, my
young friend, that the world lias a con
tempt for the man who entertains it? —
One must be solemn,* solemn as an ass—
never say anything Unit is not uttered
with the greatest gravity, to win respect,
The world looks up to the teacher and
down on the clown. Vet in nine cases
out of ten, tile clown is'the better fellow
of the two.”
“ We who laugh may be content if we
re as successful as yon have been.”
“ Yon think so ami yet were you to con
sult an old fallow called Thomas Corwin,
lie would 101 l you (handle considered him
self the worst used man in existence, and
that he has been slighted, abused, and ne-
glected, and all for a set of fellows who
look wise ami say nothing.”
Mr. Corwin uttered this with much
feeling and we have no doubt Iml that
he expressed what he believed lo bo the
purport uutl upshot of his life,
ADVERTISING TERMS.
A nyruTHv.M will ho Inserter! nt Ton Cents
ho! nichir the m>l Insertion, ami live cents
'lf i!•' 1 ( ‘ a r h • Sl| oscrjuent. insertion. Qtmr
io V» i'in ar -'V nn . (l V (,nrJ y advertisements in
tn liberal reduction on the above rates.
r-lwiV 1 \\°rl nenls he accompanied by tho
a>)V ICn s rU L "'JDiont any length of tlmo
nnm «V.i J n,b J ien V°». they will be continued
until otilcicd out and charged accordl ugly.
CA uns, I IAN-nmi.T.s, Circulars, and every other
description of Job and Card Priming executed la
the neatest style nt low prices.
-NO. 37,
Tub worst kind of oil to have anything
to do with—turm-»il.
"IT.n bo shot if I stay,” as tho part
ridge said to the double-barreled gan.
Thu worst of words from Friend or Foe,
Is (he hated phrase “ I told you so.”—Hu
ron.
Wirv is a kiss like some sermons ? Be
cause (hero are two heads and an applica
tion.
Dkmi.iohx.s are known by the more re
lined name of “spirit wrappers.”
“ Mamma,” said a lad of six, “If a man
is a Mister, is a woman a Mastery?'' We
rather guess she is-, sonny.
They say Hercules was “known by
Ills foot.” A man had better try to make
himself known by his head.
The life-preservers of tho greatest use
on the battle-field are simply a pair of
long legs.
Character doesn’t depend upon diet.
Tito ass eats thistles and nettles, the sharp
est of food, and is the dullest of animals.
A sixotjear echo is said to reverbarate
around a great many petroleum wells.—
It says, “ Bit-you-meja. ”
The character of an upright man is like
a pair of boots. The more you black It
the more it shines.
Ip a loafer and a gallon of whiskey are
sitting side by side, which will be drunk
first?
Why is a husband like a Mississippi
steam boat? Because he never knows
when he may got a blowing up.
The hardest thing to hold in the world
is an untruly tongue. It beats a hot
smoothing iron and a kicking horse.
Oftentimes a chief magistrate is the
more figure-head of the ship of State in
stead of the man at the holm.
Generally, as soon as a man is sup
posed to have a little money, his wife gets
too lame to walk, and must have a car
riage.
Lucy Stone says; “The cradle is a
woman’s ballot-box.” Then wo have
known some unlawful voting, where two
ballots were deposited at a time.
“I have the best wife in the world,”
said a long suffering husband ; “she al
ways strikes me with the soft endof the
broom. ’ ’
Fancy is a butterfly which must bo
delicately handled; if rude fingers tam
per with it, the flowerdust is rubbed oft’,
and the gay insect perishes.
He that cannot forgive others breaks
the bridge over which ho must pass him
self ; for every man has need to bo forgiv
en.
Prentice saw a noisy fellow in Wash
ington, on Christmas Day, made perfect
ly quiet by two blows on the mouth. His
lips were hermetically sealed with whacks.
Brigcis has a great faculty for getting;
tilings cheap. The other day he had a
beautiful set of tooth inserted for next to
nothing. He kicked a dog.
A Hint.—To start a nut from a rusty
bolt, place the head of an axe upon one
side of the nut, and strike with a hammer
upon (he other side.
A revivalist, looking for recruits
numl a large sized African and asked
Him, “Have you found (lie Lord?” “ I
golly, master, is do Lord lost?” said Saiii-
“ Now children,” asked a school in
spector, “who loves all men?” A little
girl, about four years old, and evidently
not posted in the catechism, answered
quickly, “all women.”
A young man advertises fora wife who
is pretty and dosen't know it. If lie
wanted one who is homely and dosen't
know it, lie would find no trouble in get
ing suited.
A sentimental young lady having
isked a gentlemen why he didn’t secure
wine fond one’s company across the ocean
if life, replied that he would do so were
10 certain that said ocean would be pad-
Sydney Smith said of Lord Brougham
that he prepared himself for his parlia
mentary campaign “by living on raw
beef, drinking oil of vitriol, and spend
ing his spare time playing with the tigers
in the Zoological gardens."
A tutor lecturing a young man for ir
regular conduct, added; “The report of
your vices will bring your father’s gray
hairs in sorrow to the grave." “ 1 beg
your pardon, sir,” replied the incorrigi
ble, ‘‘the old man wears a wig.”
Therm were (wo soldiers once in Lee's
army, lying beneath their blankets look
ing up at the stars in a Virginia sky.—
Says .lack. “ "What made you go into’the
army, Tom?" “Well," replied Tom, “1
had no wife and I love war. What made
you go to the war, Jack?” “Well,” he
replied, “ I had a wife, and 1 loved peace,
so I went to war.”
A temueranuelecturer, descanting on
the essential and purifying effects of cold
wider, remarked as a knock down argu
ment :
“When the world become so corrupt
that the Lord could do nothing with it,
he was obliged to give it a thorough sous
ing in cold water.”
“ Yes,” replied the toper, “but it killed
every darned critter on the face of the
earth.”
A Cockney's lit,under.—A country
gentlemen was strolling out strolling.out
wtth a cockney friend —a genuine cock
ney—when they came to a meadow, in
which was standing a glorious crop of
hay. The cockney gazed at it wonder
ing!}-. It wasn’t grass—it wasn’t wheat
—it wasn't turnip tops. “ Vy, vat over
does you call this stuff?” saiil he to his
companion. “ That—why hay, to besure,”
was the reply. “Hay! he f come, that’s
cutting it a little too thick! If that’s hay
just show mo the hay-corns.”’
Oxi: .Sunday night a clergyman was
preaching in Belfast, when a young man
in tlie congregation getting weary of the
sermon, looked repeatedly at his watch.
Just as lie. was in the act of examining
his peace for the fourth or the fifth time,
the pastor, with groat earnestness, was
urging the truth upon the conscience of
his hearers. “Young man,” said ho,
“ how is it with yonV” Whereupon the
young mail bawled out in hearing of near
ly the whole congregation, “ A quarter
past eight.” As may be supposed, the
gravity of the aasembly was very much
disturbed for u time.
It is stated that a man “ out West" has
invented a “new, powerful, double-act
ing salve, which cannot fail to be a boon
not only to the human race, but to every
11 .•fug tiling which is exposed to accidents
and wounds.” As a proof of its potency
and eflicaey, the inventor narrates that,
Ivy way of‘experiment, ho cut oil'about
four inches of Ins dog’s tail, and applied
the salve to the bleeding stump, where
upon the tail at once grew out to its nat
ural size and shape; that he then took
up the piece of tail which he laid cut off,
and applied the salvo to the bleeding end,
whereupon a dog grew out so like tho
other, that it was impossible to tell which
xv as the original dog!
JOli PRIXTIXCJ,
ODDS ,l\D EXD.S.