61 . ,abe. ream tbo Newark Press Mark Twain Hoaxed. - -It is seldom pleasant to tell on one's self, but sometimes it is a sort of relief to a man to make a sad confession. I wish to unburden my mind now, and yet 1 almost believe that, I am moved to it more because I long to bring cen• sure uponanother man than because I desire 'to pour bairn; upon my wound• ad h - eart. (I don't know what balm is, but I believe it is the correct ex pression to use in this connection, nev ni hiving seen any balm.) You may remember that I lectured_ in Newark lately for the young gentlemen of:the Clayonian Society., I did at any .rate. Daring the afternoon - of "that' day I was'walking 'with 'one of the young gentlemen just referred to, and he said he had-an uncle who, from some cause or other, seemed to have grown per manently bereft of all emotion. And, - with tears in his eyes, this young man said: •, "Oh, if I could only see him laugh' once more! Oh, if I could only see him weep!" 1 was touched. I never could- with stand distress. I said: "Bring him to my lecture. I'll start him for "Oh, if you would but do it ! If you could . but do it, all our family would blest( you forever—he is very dear to us.: Oh ! my benefactor, can you make him laugh ?, Can you bring soothing tears to, those arched orbs'!" ' Was profoundly moved. I said : "My son, bring the old party around. Ilex° got some. Jokes in that lecture thatwilh make him laugh if there is any laugh in him—and if they miss fire I hays some others that% make him Myer kill one or the other." —..Then the young man blessed me, 'and wept on my neck, and blew his nose on my coat tail, and went after his Uncle. He placed him in full view, in the second row of benches, that night; and -1 .- . began on him. I tried him with' mild jokes; then with severe ones; I detied.hitil with bad jokes, and riddled into him, and peppered him fore and aft with red hot now ones; I warmed up to my work, and assaulted him right and left, in front and behind; rimed and sweated, and charged and routed, till I was hoarse and sick, and frantic and furions—but I never moved him once—l never started a smile nor a tear ! Never a ghost of a smile, and never, a suspicion of moisture ! was astounded. I closed the lecture at last with one despairing shriekwith one wild buret of humor—and hurled a joke of supernatural atrocity full at him! Then I sat down bewildered and exhausted. The President of the society came up and bathed; my head with cold wa ter, and said: "What made - you carry on so toward the last?" I.said : "Lwas-trying ,to matte that confounded old fool latih'; in 'We sec ond row." And he said : "Well, you were wast ing your time, because he is deaf and dumb, and as b,lind.as a badger?! Now Wail that any way for that old rnan's nephew to impose on a stranger ind in orphan like me ? I simply ask you, as a man and a brother, if that was any way for him to do. ' MARK TWAIN. se.. Artemis Ward, being - present at a,celebration and exhibition, was calle upon for a speech, when he re plied in a "toast to the phair sex :" "Ladies, sez I, turnin to the Willful femails hoes presence•was perfuming the fair ground, I hope you are enjoy. in yourselves on this ocasbun, and that lemonaid and- water ov which you are drinkin, may not go agid you. May you :allerfi belair as the sun, bright as the Moon, and butiful as an army with Union flags—also plenty of good close to ware. "To your sex, commonly called the phair sex, we are indebted-to bornins, as well as, many other blessins in these low ,grottads oy - ,morrow. _Sum poor spirited:fools 'blame your sex for the difficilty in the gardin, but I hey no dowt but Adam would hey rigged a cyder press, and like as not went into a big bust and driven off on a tare.— Your furst mother was a lady, and all her,dawters,ditto, and nun but a Joafin cuss will.say a word agin yu. Hopin that no - Waive - oftruble will roll across your peaceful brests, I koneludo these remarks with the following contiment: "Woman—she are a good ogg." , Or A good story is told of an Am erican merchant who, a few Sundays sinee,",went into'a - fashionable London church a few minutes after the service bad commenced and stood in the aisle. The pew-opener passed him several, times and took no notice of him. They show more respect to a stranger in American churches, so he determined' tb givn - them a-lesson: Seeing that I t herelvds plenty of room lin several pews, but_that,lhe, pew - opener passed him again and again without offering him a seat, he quietly spread open his coat tails, and squatted down on the neatly matted aisle. The clergyman noticed hiin, and looked at, the pew opener, who at once, ment l to him and offered bim'a seat. "No, thank you," ho whispered ; "I ism quite comfortable, and shall sit here all through - the service." ; Forrnie oN Alas.—Aaramusing col loquy-Caine off at a seppei, ta . tle on board of one of the ilitissiselppilbolits, b4ween',,ani,exqpisite,..- - repking . With hair oil and cologne, who was cursing the waiters, assuming very consequen tial airs, and a raw Jonathan-• seated by his side, dressed in homespun.— Turning to his• vulgar friend, the-for mer. pointed-with his long jeweled fin ger,-ancl said ; "Battah, Bah.", "I see it is," eooll,Yreplied Jonathan. "Bnttah, sah, I say 1" fiercely replied dandy. _ . `"I. know It is very good,4l,lfirst:rati3 Article." "Buttah, I tell you !" thundered the dandy, in ,still,louder- tones,:poirkting with slow, unmoving.fingthcand scowl lug upon his neighbor as if he would annihilate him. "Welf gosh all Jerusalem, what of it P' now yelled the ,down.easter, get, ting his dander up" turn.! , "Yon didn't think I took it for lard,`did pm? is m Can tho' bakers on a stiike be properly termed loafers 'P m. The storm•kiog is bard to bear when he's a-bruin. NEW LEATHER STORE. THE undersigned would respectfully nnuounce that, in contortion with their TANNICRY, they haft) Just opened a splendid assortment of FINE LEATHER, Cotisistin'g in part of FRENCH CALF SKIN, KIP, MOROCCO, LININGS, • BINDINGS, • SOLE, - UPPER, - - HARNESS, - - SKIRTING, &C., To g ether with a g eneral assortment of - pria - NJunab'" _ The trade is invited to call and exarillue our stock. Store on BILL street, two doors west of the Presbyter Han church. The highest price paid for lIIDE9 and BARK. C. H. MILLER & SON. illintingdon, Oct. 28, 1863 - UNITED STATES • Authdized WAR CLAI[►I AGENCY 11. NTINGIION,. PA SOLDLERN HEIRS, ATTENTION ! The act of Congress approved March 2. 1667, gives to lleirs of Soldiers who died prisoners of wnr, COMMUTATION FOlt RATIONS, for the time the soldier was so held a prisoner, nt the rate or twenty-fire cents per day, to be pnid in the follow ing order: lat. To the widow, IC unmerited; 2d. To- thn children; 3d. To the parents, to boll:jointly if they zare living, if either is dead, to the survivor; 4th. To the bro. theta and sisters. The act of February 29. 1807, provides for the refund ing of the $3OO Commutation Money, where the same per. son was Pgnin drafted, and was requited to Inter the ser• vice or furnish a substitute. DISCHARGED SOLDIERS • The act of March 2, 1867, also makes proslsious for the payment of the $lOO ADDITIONAL BOUNTY to such soldiers as have accideutully lost their Mahar gee AU persons having any claims under any of the above mentioned Acts, or any other kind of claim against the United States or State Governments, can have them promptly collected, by addressing tho undersigned. In formation and advice cheerfully given to soldiers or their friends, free of charge. W. H. WOODS, Authothed Army and Nary Tranaaim Agent, ma)9,21867 linunuoDoN, Huntingdon co., Pa West Huntingdon Foundry. JAMES 'SIMPSON • iIiatiPACTURES PLOWS, THRESHING' MACHINES, FARM : ELLS, SI,EDiNICSLEIGIISOLES. , WAGONBOXES 'IRON KETTLES, , ‘•alialedr,,,, ,i, ,;„„--, . • ... . . Vi,, .'k 'Att.:. , . , OLIVI I- 138A6C11.:,:, B ITTERS A' mild arid agreeable To . j.p STIMULANT, STOMACHIC, and CARMINATIVE y ' •-• Bl- T ft 8, .„ „.., Extracted entirely from HERBS and ROOTS. highly beneficia ME • DYSPEPSIA,.:', GENERAL DEBILITY._,I and Loss of Appetite; and an ekcellent - CORRECTIVE for pefsons suffering from iDisor ders of the Bowels, Flatulence &c. SOLD EVERYWHERE M C;"X", No. 413 Market Street,; Philadelphia J. K. TAYLOR & CO. I Sept.3o.'a 1Y lice UIRE'S SPANISH HAIR DRESSRR. FOR PROAIHTINGI THE GROWTH, BEAUTIFYING TOO Rain, ' And rendering it 'heck and glossy. No other compound poetesses the peculiar, properties, which Bo exactly unit the various conditions of the human hair. The use of this oil as a hair drcenee has hem:doh - ern& in every see; lion of the counteyin the, Fpanish Relator eenturiee.— No preparation of art wail give that elegant luxuriance and abundance of. heir which have so often, been the ad• miration of travelers, PI :pain. Thin oil is highly and delicately perfumed, combing an 'article unrivaled in ed, cellence and upon which ,the ;Spanish people for limy years have set Its seal of enduring approval. AIcGUIRE'S Mexicali Wild Flowers Shampoo Lotion For removing dandruff and scurf from the head. whiten. leg and pet fuming the skin. This article Is entirely slit' fermi t from an.) thing of the kind ever offered In this min , try unit is warranted free from all poisonoux substonees v valuable lotion nee used by the Emperor, :Maximil inn, and binpress ,otta of Mexico, and universally used by Mexican- for three hundred years. As a wash. for the howl—it is cooling. cleansing and refreshing.— .IS hen thus used it at once relieves headitchs:' -0, McGUIRE'S WILD FLOWERS,POR , TEIEI TEETH All these who are in favor o f white teeth and a pleasant and perfumed bre till should at once use kicriuire's Wild /lowers ibr the Trletii. All these preparations are put np in the mt. t , elegant and ornamental manner. We make no exception in keying that they are an ornament to a lady's toilet' table, and 'llO . llO complete wlthout them. Warranted extlefactinY or Money refunded. Dealers will bear this in mind. told by all respectablo Ilrltg gists in the United 'Ziates and Vanatlas. Address Orders to AICER,FIDII , IGuTfrn, • • . . pepot and Slnunfctury, deni 203 Second Stieut, P.ld!adelpbti. Per u nto nt„ Lon!!' hook Storo, JOHNSTON &'sA ATTSON TAKE pldasuro' iioannoincit;g:.to:the citizens or Huntingdon county and vicinity that they have jut returned from the East with a - LARGE - STOCK -- . OF ;GOODS Which they have Nat openottont at thair new eters, ONE DOOR EAST OF THE WAMINOTON HOTEL Their stock consists of DRY GOODS; NOTIONS, HATS AND CAPS, BOOTS AND.SHOtO,3!.' GROCERIE;S, FLOUR AND FEED, TOBACCO, SEGARS„ CANNED FRUITS,. HARDWARE; CEDAR - -'WARE; QUEENSWARE; OIL CLOTHS, OILS, PAINTS, &C:, DRUGS, CARPETS, CARPET CHAIN FISH, SALT, CHEESE, TRUNKS, HAMS,; SHOULDERSISIDES, &c: &c,. Thoy hnieli large stock of LADIES' DRESS GOODS, Consisting of SILKS, MOHAIR% ALPACAS, POPLINS, LUSTRES, GINOIIAMS, MERINOS, PLAIDS', = Aleir, a 'largenstortniaereeit' DRESS . EAIBItOIPhs RY, HOSIERY, GLI:SV.ES, BUTTONS, etc: - A FULL LINE OF WHITE GOODS We will ieIYWHOL ES MA and EMAIL, •• . ' AU goods delivered to : residences in Arts and Poe of clmizo Oiyo lI ' S 3 trial before poreboebigeleeirliere. JOHNSTON 'k 19ATTSON., Iluptingdon. April 15, 1868 727 CHESTNUT STREET 727 Redpction in the Prices' DIM DRESS GOODS. RICKEY, SHARP & 'CO,, NO. •727 CpEISTNIIT ,ISTREIEZ OFFER TO-DAY 50 Cases of Imported Dress Fabric's,' at 25 Cents per "Tardirortli'bpuil4e . the QM RICKEY, SHARI! ;k_cp.,;.„, 79,7 C4estrila;,yfreec t , CEO 'O. BEAVER: Having entered into partnership, inform the public that ; they are prepared to esehute all tltyles of Plain and orninieatal Marble WOrk FA STONES, also Building ;itrt, h' M alae?o N w t ;i l'S• prices T asani. shop In the rounti.V ' ; Orders from a distance promptly attended to. Shop on MIFFLIN street, a few doors cast- ef the Lta, thoran church . meh6M67 Ni - A.RBLE YARD: - the •unde - reigncia -mould reepectfully.call the attention of the citizens of I untlngdon and the adjoining counties to the stock of beautiful marble now on hand. He is prepared td &nth& at the shortest notice, Monumental Marble, Tomb, Tablet and Stones of every desired , airsi'and form ofdtalfan or Eastern Marble, highly finished, and carrell .wlth appro priate devisee, or plain, as may suit. Building Marble, Door and Window Bills, Jtc.,,will be furnished to order. IV. W. pledges himself in furnish =trarial and work manahip equal to any in the country, eta fair price. Ca and see, before you purchase elsewhere. Shop. oreith orner of Montgomery and Mifflin eta.. Huntingdon WM. wnwals.- • Eluntingdon, May 161855. „ , ; THE NATIONAL HALL 0 A HUNTINGDON; P. ~,:,,„: Tngdhis Restaurant is .situatesl ,at,l4let emit:lief Franklin Street, in tho'boionih" de gtht:.- t on, and , is open during the (lay and, evenint $ The. best of Wines, XX Me and Lancaster ileer.„The table will be supplied with the best faro for the public, and tht proprietors will make these who call on them feel at home. Ili'tTho Hall , will be, opened ;for' Festivals I Parties, Amusements. etc. IRICHTER& CONS,- Oct. 14, 1765-3 m. ". •• ' ' ' Proprietors • SPECTACLES * _ . -•- - t - 7: 2 - • A. fine and large assortment always on , AT LEWIS' BOOKSTORE, .• E. : :; REVENITE: STAMPS; FOR SALE AT LETVig B.ObZ 'STOItE!. 11UNTINQMsi t ?ENNA.. r,..7. n~~ .a .. MEI