FABLE OF BEING
CORRECT AND
PROPER
8B
By GEORGE ADE
©. Bell Syndicate. ~WNU Service,
NCE there was a Man named
Alonzo Frothingham whose
wife used to bawl him out
something scandalous on ac.
count of his crude Manner of Speech
and his Penchant for using all of the
Smart Aleck Slang he could pick up.
Even when Company was present he
made no apparent Effort to recognize
the Presence of the Dominie or the
College Profs, but seemed to take a
Joaferish Delight in saying, right out
in front of them, “Not on your Whis-
kers!"” or “How do you get that Way?’
or, possibly “I'll tell the cock-eyed
World.” He sure was an Injun,
The wife, whose front name was
Mehitabel, often told him that one
Reason why she let out such a Yelp
about his Coarse Language was that
tie had no Excuse for pulling the Hick
Stuff. He had been incubated In an
Atmosphere of Culture, and, later, at.
tended the State University. He had
read all the Works of Sir Walter
Scott and Robert W. Chambers. He
had delivered Orations which were
Scholarly and full of bang-up Words.
such as “Vouchsafe,” “Eleemosynary”
and “Peradventure,” so what was the
Large Idea of trying to make folks
think he was a Longshoreman?
No matter how thoroughly a TLady Is
On to her Permanent Affliction and
however low may he her Estimate of
his Moral Grandeur and Intellectual
Prowess, she always tries to be loyal
to Mis Nobs and spread the Impres.
son among the Neighbors that he Is
a Combination of Elihu Root, Herbert
Hoover, the Pope. Dr. Butler and Dr
William Lyon Phelps of Yale. He may
be a Mutt at Home but when he gets
to the Bench he 1s a World's
Champion with a Ribbon around his
Neck,
Now there was simply no Let-Up to
Mehitabel ragging Alonzo on account
of his Predilection for the low-brow
Vernacular. She said that no refined
Gentleman would speak about
busting the Slats of an Enemy or deslz-
nate the Family Doctor as a Slice of
Herkimer or refer to a Young Lady
Caller as a Pip
Show
ever
Suggests Soft Pedal.
She told Lon
bhitions would
they would not receive
Tickets admitting them to the most In
wer and refrigerated Circles of Polite
he put the Soft Pedal
on his Roughneck Conversation and
learned to apply Salve instead of Red
Pepper.
She dinged at him so that
finally he made what is known as The
Married Man's Compromise, 1. e,
decided to let her have her own way
in Everything. He said he
Chop on the Chuck ®onnors
and make Lindley Murray Hike
a Valgarian He his
most trivial Talk into a Well of purest
English all
fieard him would he prone to emit Ex
clamations of Wonder and Admiration.
Yes, Indeed!
At that, the Good Wife was not pre
for Verbal fectionery
he began to
For Instance, they were seated
Dinner Table and she wanted to know
if he had put In a pleasant and profit
able Day, whereupon he replied: “On
the Contrary. I have heen subjected to
a Series of rather harrowing Experi
ences, all tending to disturb my Calm
and ruffle what under all but ab
normal Circumstances, a truly Angelic
Temper.”
“Have you gone off your Nut? asked
Mehitabel,
“No ma'am, | am trying to let yon
know that Everything went Punk with
me today, but I am endeavoring to
convey the Information In Language
#0 chaste and dignified that even my
best Pal and severest Critic cannot
find Fault with her little Alonzo."
“You can lay off of the cheap and
rowdy Expressions without trying to
make a Fool of the Dictionary,” sug-
gested friend Wife,
“Unfortunately I cannot do 80." he
replied, “There doesn’t seem to be any
happy Compromise between Slang and
Jaw-breakers, When one decides to
correct his manner of Speech by re
fraining from the current Catch
Phrases of the Street, the homely Col.
lfoquiallsms and all of the barbarous
Americanisms which are so repulsive
to High School Superintendents, he
finds himself at once imbedded In a
Bog of polysyllablie Clircumloentions.”
“Klip me that Last One again,” sald
Mehitabel. “1 muffed it”
“1 was endeavoring” said Alonzo,
“to suggest that when One starts In on
a painful and determined Effort to
make all of his Oral Efforts comport
with the inflexible Rules of the Lexi.
cographers and Purists, he will find
himself up against it unless—I beg par.
don—he will find himself confronting
a Dilemma, in that he will be com-
pelled to use only those Words and
Phrases which have not been vulgar.
ized hy Common Usage. He will have
to can the Anglo-Saxon and cotton to
those long double-Jointed Derivations
from the Latin and the Result will be,
as 1 remarked a Moment ago, n Series
of Polysyllable Circumlocutions™
“1 am glad that you remember some
of the Long Words you heard In Col.
lege.” sald she, "hut don’t think you
are going to Jar any Laugh out of me
by springing that line of Low Comedy,
One can be Civilized without trying
to talk like an Editorial”
that Social
An
realized and
'
the Sacred Pink
thelr
never be
RVoclety until
long
he
wonld
Dialect
1
sound ik
would convert
undefiled, so that who
the Con
pared
which upon her
at the
lavish
is,
1v
“Whatever else they may hang on to
you, you will always go Free whén ac-
cused of being Funny," sald Mehitabel,
giving him the Fishy Eye. “I am try-
ing to get you Parlor-Broke and teach
you to eat with a Fork and you, with
your Usual Deficiency in ordinary Bo-
vine Intelligence and appalling Ab-
gense of Good Taste, are trying to kid
my noble Efforts, gum up the whole
Program and make me look lke a
desiccated Wham. Many a Woman
has beat it to Reno and got a Decree
for a good deal less than I have put
up with."
Sweet and Sanitary.
“You wrong me. Sweetie,” insisted
Alonzo, *I am trying, with all of my
Boyish Strength and with my Fingers
crossed, to make my Talk sweet and
purty and sanitary, For nearly One
Hundred Years, as nearly as I can
estimate the Time, you have been
throwing the Harpoon at me because
I talk like George M. Cohan instead
of George the Fifth, Up to the time
that our Honeymoon evaporated and
you began to give me a Line on my
spectacular Inferiority, I labored un-
der the pleasant Delusion that I was
one of Nature's Noblemen. And now
because I use the only kind of Talk
which ean be understood by the Dubs
with whom I am compelled to associ-
ate, you are trying to make it out that
I am a flat-headed Moron, I don’t
know just what a Moron Is but what.
ever it Is, that's me. Now that I have
rid of my Burglar Tools and am
trying to go Straight and want to keep
away from the Old Life, why
the dear little Helpmate refuse to lend
a Helping Hand? Remember, that no
matter how long a man
been talking Loose Talk,
down but he's never out,
“At this juncture, when von should
be singing ‘Rescue the Perishing,' and
to the Life
sitting with na
got
have
he
may
he may
getting ready heave
Line
me
you are there
OUR
CHILDREN
8
By ANGELO PATRI
A PLACE OF REFUGE
N THE ancient days there was A
place of refuge provided for the
thoughtless sinner. Here he might
dwell with safety until he could be
judged by the congregation. No hand
might touch him while he lived within
the walls of his clty of refuge.
That seems to me to be a fine Idea
In this world of storm and stress there
ought to be a place of refuge for ev
eryone of us so that we might retire
to meditate upon our errors and search
our souls for ways of pence, amend:
ment, and future strength. This is es
pecially necessary for the children.
Thelr emotions are unguarded. They
frequently overflow the dams
cause sorrow and distress. Af
times the place of refuge is a blessed
place for the child and those about
him.
When »
such
little one loses control
of shouting at him to be still, escort
him to his place of refuge his room,
and leave him there to shout {1 out
The quiet of the room, the fooling
security its four walls lend Lis spirit,
calm him and redirect him far sooner
than anything you can do.
The habit of retiring to
one to establish,
It teaches him
loathsome Reptile In-
little Fellow with a
as if 1 were na
stead of a dandy
Heart of Gold."
“1 don't remember the exact Word
ing of Nuptial Agreement” sald
Mrs. Frothingham, “but | am
there 18 nothing In the Contract to the
our
at
no
are
are
When
Alonzo,
in a Nut
your Top
College
Form,
you
you
excruciating an Hearse with
it. The only way I can fit
is to wear
as as
Plumes on
into the Picture with
Black the Year round.
to assassinating Mirth
many a Notch
you
cor
your
have
on
you
tainly
Gun"
Alonzo hegan to Susy
wet that his at
nner perform-
¥
wn Macaulay
tempt to duplicate the |
ances of Thomas Babing ‘
Joseph Addison and Walter Pater had
Bi
He had started out lify for the
ad landed back in
gone bhlooey and 1h
to qua
Intelligentsia and |
the Ash-Heap.
It became evident that he was not a
Rhetorician, a Rnbe. So he gave
Notice Future he would
Words of
but
in
himself to
h +
that the
confine One
Syllable
“Make
sald Mehitabel
break your Plate and get the Air
MORAL: There never was a House
big enough for two High-Brows.
» . "
them Few possible,
io
As
“unless
as
want
you
"”
River Rhone May Give
Up Old Art Treasures
The success which has attended the
of ancient treasure from the
bottom at several different
recovery
ocean's
points, has been the means of stimu-
lating interest In other projects of the
same character. Preparations are be-
ing made for two boats loaded with
valuable Roman treasures which were
sunk In 1572 In the Rhone river. It
was the ill-fated year of the St. Bar
tholomew massacre when thousands
of Protestants were killed in France
by order of King Charles IX. Queen
Catherine of Medicl, the king's moth-
er, ordered several artistic treasures
of Arles to be transferred to Paris
Eight columns hewn In porphyre and
several saccophagi and basreliefs
were loaded om two barges In the
Rhone. But as soon as the barges
left the Arles harbor, the current of
the river toppled them over and they
went to the bottom with their precious
load.
Divers are now at work and It is
hoped soon the Arles museum again
will count among its riches the ob-
jects carried away 350 years ago.
Favors Round Houses
“People who live in round houses will
never be 11."
Cope, a woman architect, In London.
Among her reasons are: “It is a rec-
ognized fact that
much more readily to a curved line
than to a straight one. Wastage of
heaith, both mental and physical, is
practically nil in a circular house. If
we could get curves standardized In
the architecture of our homes we
should have a much stronger nation.”
If, In addition, Miss Cope added, we
have “more psychology in the kitchen,”
the perfect house Is complete.
His Own Latin
The medieval cobbler who used to
attend the public disputations held at
the academy, In Latin, was once asked
if he understood Latin. “No,” replied
the cobbler, “but I know who Is wrong
in the argument.” “How? he was
asked. “Why, by seeing who is angry
first.”
The Bahama Islands
In 1402 when Christopher Columbus
landed in the Bahama islands he had
journeyed in a salling vessel for 35
days, These isles may be reached In
a few days by steamers from many
ports or by alr from Cabada or the
United States,
The older children need the quiet of
their rooms. If they have to share the
room eacrk can have his corner
where his chair and his precious pos
occupy the larger space Mt
is so much better for a child to seek
his own room than to make a scene
in the family gathering. His dignity
i*s enhanced, his personality support
eq, his spirit soothed, which are con
summations devoutly to be wished.
While we are about it let us remem
ber the place of refuge for ourselves,
Grownup people should be able to find
it within their own selves but
us are not grown up sufficiently for
that at all We need the sup
port of a good book, of prayer, of med
ftation,
The tired mother
hour. Burdened fathers
a place where they can
loads for a moment or two,
dren must have retreat
the hand of the cannot
them, a place where justice must stand
outside the door.
» - -
A GOOD TEST
own
sessions
ais
of
times.
needs the
need to find
drop their
The chil-
where
quiet
a safe
inw reach
the child
the
hundred
CHOOL tests tell bow
\J getting along rith school
tasks. When he gels a in
spelling and ninety in geography and
sixty-five in arithmetic, we know that
as far as arithmetic far a
thorough ari applica
tion is in order. So far as geography
ROPR extend o« intion,
and as for spelling, nothing more need}
be sald save a word
praise,
But the test marks and
ecard are not enough. They
us far enough into the mystery of the
child's growth. He might get
marks and still be a poor pupil be
Good con
it us
unlly does, but nov and then it doesn’L
We have
and les
EOOS 80
review and
mgratu
we oan
’
of astonished
the report
to not take
ine
to adjust things so conduct
When that has been done there Is
These ex-
beside
If he didn’t
Somebody
how and prob
about the
low average child or the bad child.
Both of them are unhappy or they
Happi-
I say personal success advisedly, for
Real happi-
a soul at pence within itself,
stnte cannot be bestowed in affection
imposed in authority, It
of itself or It does not come at
When it comes. you Know it. [ts light
is enmistakabie. When it glows in
the eyes of a child, when It animates
his purposeful movements, rings in his
Inaughter and smiles In his words, he
is happy. He Ix going somewhere. That
is the best test of a child's growth.
The sad child, who treads with
leaden feet, who looks out upon his
world through shadowed eyes, whose
voice Is hollow and whose laughter is
forced, In whom the milk of human
kindness is dried up, is a most anhap-
py child, and although nis ecard is
filled with A's he is getting nowhere
that matters. Growth is » timrmoni
ous process amd Jt brings only joy.
I would not have you confuse hap
piness, inner peace, with surfuce ges.
tures. ‘True happiness does not ned
to shriek its mirth, nor advertise itself
at nil. It is and that is enough. Low
happy Is your child?
all
© Bell Syndicate ~ WNU Service,
C—O
the Younger Set
which calls
partying in frocks
and birds and
stars set In
such beauteous
#2 Summer.
the
Just
» WAY
of ever; ung girl
the
go
flow ers
season
tune to
sunshine and
skys of blue and all
things which go to
Well, here they are
three charming fre
are sure
twinkling
make
in
wks,
picture,
such as
into the
who sees
to wit thelr
them,
Alry-fairy
of chiffon,
these
creations are they, made
of taffeta and of net,
which fashion
stresses with this summer,
when It media for
the younger set's party frocks
It {8s said
colors that this
and the trio
trated goes far to prove it so
look
have
being mu
emphasis
{io
favorite
Comes
in to favorite
season”
dresses (lus
Togeth
rainbow
lend
regard
is a “pastel
of lovely
er, they as if a bit of a
to
scene,
cunnis
dancing figure, in
cate while pale pink ta
the cholce of the id
tered In the grou
right wearing
green silk net |
green.
A significant fe:
these models is the
are formed tiers of
styling is very popular
#0 much so that dresses
grown-ups are fashioned in
with this difference, however, that for
adults the skirts are fitted decidedly
snug, the rufMie-upon-ruffie movement
beginning just above the knees
must been 1xed
of to
the first gown, on
0 some
the in that
its coloring
the g little
is of ch a dell
blue, feta is
na on cen
all girl to the
we-of a-gown of
n delicious cool
about two of
that the skirts
ruffles. This
this season,
for
this wise,
iiure
fact
of
Of
even
p————
TER PEER mains |
If you study the dressmaking detalls
closely you will notice that the ruf-
fles @br the little chiffon frock are
put together with shirred head-
ings which the
material
wee
the
taffetn
put
with
sprightly
is supposed
softness of
ruffies for the
together with
self-silk, as
silhouette
to
accent
The
dress
other are
cording covered 80
to
which
have,
the
taff
accent
Crisp ela
Exquisite lace edging with countless
tiny ig among its
frills, outlines the cap sleeves and
wide inted collar of the dainty
frock which the little dancer is wear-
ing Long streamers narrow
double faced (pink side and
blue on the other) satin ribbon dangle
from the neckline down the
frock.
rosebuds nestli
po
of
on one
gracefull
iy
front of the
The taffeta frock has
mad ruffied organza
in, matching pink, inished with =a
A narrow pale
tied about
pink
sleeves
perky
cap of
binding of the taffeta,
blue velvet ribbon Is the
wrist,
For modish sub-debs there is noth
prettier than the party frock
made of either silk or colton net, es
pecially now that pet is so smartly in
For the shown here
right) the designer chooses
silk net in a lovely pale green
Rows of satin folds In matching
green make an effective trimming. A
lovely rose shading from pink to deep
red posed at the waistline sounds just
I 3
ing
fashion, gown
{to the
ine
enough of a sophisticated note to sat
the aspiring modern who
is wearing it
©. 1933, Western
taf AT
isfy young
Newspaper Union
“EEL GRAY” TONE IS
LATEST SHOE COLOR
Schiaparelli’s “eel gray” has been
adopted by the shoe world.
Fashion mongers believe that It
will be the high style shoe gray of
fall and winter. It will make a shoe
er tones of gray, with navy, red and
even with black or brown. A prob
Another important kid leather shoe
color ia to be “taupe” for fall. As
its name indicates it is the shade of
little field mole, a brown with
Predictions for the future include a
“faun brown" as splendid for
It should harmonize
well with all the browns on the fash-
Now Attained in Comfort
Many a girl who started life as an
{
Modern science has given her
many charms that pature falled to pro:
vide, Take curly hair, for Instance.
Today it's as easy to transform
looking curis as it is to keep your
nails trim. With the new machine
less method of permanent waving, you
ean sit back comfortably throughout
the waving process, and read a book
or go ahead with your knitting. You
aren't “attached” to any electricity. A
clean odorless vapor is applied to your
hair, and in less time than you'd think
it possible, you have a lovely head of
curls, :
Crocheted Fabrics Are
Being Employed on Hats
A new hat has come out on the
Paris boulevards, evidently to replace
now-dead Chechia. It consists of
nothing more than a square piece of
knitted or crocheted fabric—or string
done in a fish-net weave—~the corners
of which are stitched in a rounded
manner so that when the envelope, as
it were, Is opened and the head In
gerted, the hat fits like a cap and the
“gars” stand up stiffly at each corner,
PARIS STYLES
By CHERIE NICHOLAS
Schiaparelli models. Their simple,
conservative styling gives them dis
tinction, Interest also centers about
the materials of which they are fash-
fone, for fabrics are always important
in this versatile coutourier’s collec
tions. The evening gown is made of
a bright blue lacquered net which Is
not only wonderfully good looking for
summer wear, but ix ideally cool. The
clever handling of a single broad strap
over one shoulder with a tiny cape
sleeve over the other Is Intriguing.
The sports dress Is of white artificial
canvas, a new material which has
created a sensation, The belt Is of
brown and white lastex ribbon,
White for Evening
White in tailored cut is promoted
as usual for summer wear, and frothy
white styles for evening. One out
standing Is of organza with six grad
uated ruffles which begin at the knees
and fall to the floor.
The Movies
Copyright by Hal C. Hermen
"By COLLEEN MOORE
WAS born with the ambition to be-
come a motion picture actress, Since
earliest childhood days in Tampa, Fia.,
when with brother Cleve, I put on
“kid” shows for the youngsiers of the
neighborhood, 1 have had a desire to
act,
My first to realize
hopes, came while visiting my
Walter D, Howey, then managing edi-
tor of the Chicago American, [ played
several “small girl” parts at the old
Essanay studio in Chicago, but they
were few and far apart.
But things started coming
when uncle introduced
Grifith, Mr. Griflith looked me
and agreed to give me a six months’
trial at his studio in California.
My next step, and a rather difficult
one, induce my who
lived Detroit, to grant
sion to
chance these
uncle,
my
to D.
way
Ww.
aver
me
was to
in
to go
parents,
me
After
debating 1 finally went out,
condition, that
the
home
permis
the coast, much
under one
were | unsuccessful at
the trial, I must return
resume my studies at the
Detroit Conservatory of Music
end of
and
MARAT
So, all arrangements made, and ful
of pep and ambition, I for
movieland under the careful chaperon-
age of my
grandmother, Mrs
Mary Kelly,
On the train, many ran
through my mind. What was before
me? Would I be successful, or would
I ut the end of the trial be forced to
embarked
dear
thoughts
PTR ry
9999.
Colleen
go » and admit
for the best,
Hollywood at la
pictured it, only batter
I met 14
8,
81.
jan and Dorothy Gish
Love,
and many
were already
Besse
Myers,
were awfully nice
ture looked rosy
The end of my
ail too soon
Griffith's decisic
came at last,
happiness. My contract was renewed
and my salary ralsed to the tremendous
sum of fifty dollars a week. I felt that
I had “arrived,” for my first role un-
der this contract was heroine in
“The Bad Boy.™
hen the for lack of
funds, and I was out of a job. What
was I to do? Why get another job,
of course. This was easier to say than
But finally I landed the title
role in “Little Orphan Annie” at the
Selig studio, Lucky, don’t you think?
This belped a lot, and then I ap-
peared In two pictures, “The Busher”
“Egg Crate Wallop,” with
Later I played the lead
the
studio closed
Producers seemed convinced that }
ous nature, “So Big.” which I liked Im-
Following these I starred in
“Rally,” “Irene,” “Naughty But Nice ™
Time," “Synthetic Sin” and
My first all talking
Picture
work just kind of gets you. There's
Of course, it isn’t all peaches and
cream. I remember, and very distinct.
ls, too, that while working on the
my neck. The pain was something
Another time, In “Twinkletoes™ I
worked fourteen days and nights, with
practically no sleep at all
But still, 1 like it, and that's that.
WNT Service
Musical Comedy Star
Esther Howard, musical comedy and
legitimate star, made her picture debut
with Marilyn Miller several years ago.
Since then she has appeared In such
productions as “The Woman Tamer,”
“Vice Squad,” “Yellow Ticket"
"Wicked" and “Ladies of the Big
House.”
Modest Raquel
Raquel Torres is so modest
sorts to dark glasses, so as not
recognized on the street?
dom seen without them, except at the
studio or at home,