The Fable of How
to Be One
3
By GEORGE ADE
©. Bell syndicate.—~WNU HSarvice,
NCE there were two Side
Ricks named Zebulon and EU
jah, both of whom are now be
ginning to show Engine Wear
and loosening of the Rivets. Zebulon
is regarded ns an overwhelming Sue
cess, und Elijah is voted a terrible
Flop, and to understand the Why of
these Verdicts, all you have to do is
to run over the Scenarios of their Life
Dramas and do a little Character
Reading.
Zeb was always large for his Age
and very slow, especially above the
Shoulder-Blades, so he acquired a
Rep for being dignified and cautious.
Lije was quick on the Trigger and
could see through any Proposition In
two Shakes and answer any Question
right off the Reel, so all of the Dumb
Bells, constituting 14.4 of the entire
Population, hated him for his Cock
sureness and were always hoping that
he would stub his Toe and fall down
and break his Leg.
Zeb had spent all his Life In
Congressional District, conserving the
Property which his Wife inherited,
and telling the Natives every few Min
utes that they are Nature's Noblemen
and snow-white Patriots, and they eat
it up.
Getting By on Very Little.
Lije been all over the Map,
spemding Coin on Rallway Fare
and Gambling Enterprises connected
with new and hopeful Towns. He Is
wise to Turn io Road and
his got the Number of every Species
of False Alarm, Tight-Wad and Lunk
head. He cultivated a Contempt
for all of the Whispering
tives whe Mr Arctic
let go of Two
one
has
his
every the
has
Conserva
Overshoes and
never
see someth ng worth
he
under
tesidents t
gets hack
Sleepy
iat 11)
of Warts on the CO
tieth Century, the
he is just as popular ns Polson
If you lock Zebulon
Elijah in oom together and
4
}
}
Hesult
were to
Do
ir
our
mise by Broad
main, sanctif Blood of
Fathers, mus he kept Inv
against Foreign Int and Euro
penn Alliances.
you asked
couldn't give you
inte
Hurry,
Ad
wears,
Why?
lecause, to get into Congress, one does
not have to pas any Civil
Examination
You wouldn't helieve, sitting where
you are now, this bea Mo 2,
surrounded by Heat, that there
was ang enig ¢¢ Region in the
World where
Blimp,
cial Gas, could
Hat
Vest nn
Zebulon in a
Street
Hat he
(‘Ongress,
he
wiress or tell wt
nat
Rize
vet Zebulon is in
Service
1#iful
Steam
irative
Artifi
on Whiskers, na
e Clergyman's tie, a
inrge
contain nothing
by
wide soft
starched
with a
Chest
sion to all of the
tudes whi were in
Pays of Theodore Le
Woodrow Wilson.
It is a safe 1.000 to 1 Bet that Zebn
lon never has sald Anything
will be sealed up in the Memory of
hia and Preserved for
Posterity
A Ponderous Pipe.Organ.
On the other Hand, this Lije is n
wise-cracki Whiz, with a side-hold
on the Anglo-Saxon
Philosopher's Point of View
Gift of Originality. Ir
Friends, it
unwelcome
P'rince Albert Suit
ish
ned to
Applesance Platl
Style the
and
Rheet-Iron FF and a few
Notes tral give Expres
se
up to
wisevelt
which
Countrymen
ng
and a
and the
has no
the
Truth and spreads it over
the Landscape, while Zebulon always
tells the Mush- Tops exactly what they
want to hear, so what a Nice Feller he
i= to And vet the Copy-
Books that Knowledge is
Power
Zebulon never figured anything out
In his life, because the Wheels in his
Gearing do not connect at all. but he
Inst happened to advantage
the Supreme Truth that One who
wishes to stand Ace High with the
Public must appeal to the Eye without
regard to the Understanding,
For proof of this interesting Faet,
we have only to check up on Holly.
wood, and any good Beach in Florida.
If a Movie Star ean get $18 a second
for having ruby-red Lips and
tiful Pelledonna Eyes, after being
loxt in the Desert for Days and
Days, why should He or She he com
peiled to know the Multiplication
Table?
And the one-piece Bathing Suit, im
properly filled ecun give Cards and
Spades to Culture, Refinement and
Nohility of Character,
Zebulon has always been Great In
the same way that the Redwood Trees,
Niagara Falls and the Washington
Monument are entitled to respectful
Attention. Architecturally, he has
been so impressive that no one ever
eared a Darn about the Contents of
the massive Work of Art.
A Speed Demon Who Doesn't Gat
There.
Zeb can take a third-rate Common
pleee and make It sound like part of
the P'resident’'s message to Congress,
He is a Pipe Organ and Lije is a
Fiecolo, out of tune,
Tongue
he
is because he digs
up
he
tell
“lire
us
take of
hean-
Yes, It Is better to have a Cavalry
Moustache and a Saint Bernard Volce
than to fathom the Mysteries of Scl-
ence or explore the Beauties of Litera.
ture. Every time that Zeb repeats
something which he just read In the
Indianapolis Paper, all the Bystanders
shake their Heads and admit that the
Geezer sure {8 Deep,
The only Approach to real Wisdom
that Zeb hag shown is in keeping the
Trap closed for Days at a time, He
hns a positive Genius for long and
eloquent Bursts of Silence.
While this Vesuvius of Statesman
ship 18 merely smoldering instead of
Spouting, he Is still majestic, awe-
inspiring and suggestive of an Im-
mense Reserve Power,
Always the Brow Is furrowed like a
Wash-Board, and those who timidly
gaze up at the Giant in repose know
that Zebulon Is meditating, Which is
true. He Is trying to decide whether
to go up to the House and partake of
Ham and Eggs or drift over to the
Bon Ton Cafeteria and order an Oys-
ter Stew. Zeh figures carefully on
every momentous Issue until he knows
he Is right,
Liji, as a single-handed worker, Is
a Ball of Fire and a Demon for
Speed. Zeb has learned, by consistent
Avoidance of Dangerous Responsibill-
ties, to let his Associates saw all of
the Wood, and take all of the Risks,
In his Political Maneuvers, Legal Bat-
tles and Business Transactions he
permits his humble Henchmen to wield
the Pick and Shovel while he pro-
vides the Scenic Background. Then,
if anybody pulls a Boner, he is there
with a Bushel of Regrets and a com-
plete Alibl, In all of his Career he
never got into such a tight Corner
that he couldn't pass the Buck. Prov-
ing that a an In-
tellectual Lightweight have
useful Animal
Celebrity may be
and yet
some Instinets,
all
Zebulon Is a positive Wow when It
comes to del f
vering an Address o
Welcome ne does not have to know
i a few
fact, any
with Fae
of Humor
good In servin
and
wearing
Lille
Booh
'
{Oo na
Grav
th perfumed
* Io
i Wiki Have
gilded Frame ti
other two Emir
MORAT
some Folk
go to Washingt
tery.
Rickets, Discase Known
to Medicine for Years
That the light heat of the
i the basis
by
and sun
1
nrovide
proviae
preciated
modern
appreciation
validated by (m-
ive
was early shown that plants
ances and
build of them
compounds
imntely depend
} with
ght out
raanic upon
for their
More
the
has been
recently, that is, during
last twelve years, it
further that radia-
tions have a direct and specific effect
on the nutrition of animals and hu-
mans,
This effect Is seen in the promotion
of growth and development, as well
on the negative side, certain dis
conditions,
The recent discoveries of the effects
of the sun upon nutrition center about
the disease rickets
ten or
shown the sun's
ns,
ense
Rickets is a disease with which med-
has acquainted for more
than a century. It has
nized as a condition affecting the uti
li ion of mineral substances by the
body,
icine heen
been recog.
there is a disturb
period of
More specifically
ance during the develop-
the ealcification of the bony tissues,
The skeletal frame of the child and
young animal is not bony in charac
ter, but cartilaginous. As the child
or animal develops, the cartilage dis
anmenrs and in its place bone Is de
veloped
A significant portion of bone struc
ture is made out of calcium and phos.
phorus,
in the deposition of caleium
skeletal tissue,
This, however, is not due to a lack
of ealcium. It is due, rather, to the
Inack of some essential element, now
designated as vitamin D, which in na-
ture is produced by the effect of the
san on certain chemical substances. —
St. Louis Post-Dispatch.
in the
Famous Author's Piano
A Robert Louis Stevenson relle of
more than usual interest, Stevenson's
piano, wag recently discovered in a
Devonport (England) home. The
piano, which is definitely authentiented,
wns made specially for Stevenson to
withstand safely the tropleal condi
tions of Samoa, I(t is of black ebony
with ornamental patterns in inlaid
gold, and both the candlesticks and
the handles are of massive and elabo-
rate design, Screws are used through.
ont the framework in place of the
usual glue, and so strongly is the In-
strument built that its weight Is near.
ly twice that of an ordinary plano,
Cottons of High
Style Importance
A GAIN we arrive at that time of the
year when fancy, or is it stern doty,
turns to thoughts of
If any inspirat
the wom
spring sewing.
ion is needed to lure
who makes her own clothes
into a do-it-now frame of mind, it may
the and aisles
enchant ng materials now on
dispiny shionland. A
f + new fabric
showings i 1¢ Drom ce given to
be found nisies of
cottons whi ire that amas
el and most unbeliey
able,
So completely some of the new
concen! their
identity, nost to look at
their wis or inquire of the sales
they
er cottons manage to
one has al
person to n
what not
silk they appear to be
Almost nny effect is possible with nov
ake ure that are
they are, and perhaps fine
or woolen as
eity cotton yarns as they are now be
fyice ne rem v ¢ * :
ing durer ¢ processed, often worked
with
soft twisted
rayon strands boucle
with
into
or
or
inishe =,
perfectly
he,
silken
as the
sheen or delustered,
CaASe may
1 he
textile
couraging to
with
anc cutting
all but “stage
fright,” new and
smart cotton weaves are high style and
“look like a 1 they are In re
ality inexpensive enough to afford any
ambitious homie sewing woman to ex
periment with them without fear and
trembling.
Ribhed and diagonal cotton fabrics
are proving of special interest to the
Paris houses, such as for Instance a
type known as durene ribcord, which
reign of weaves In the
very en
TOUr seamstress
thought of handling
into costly silk or woolen
an attack of
although
realm should prove
the at
whom the
brings on
for
he
lon.”
and
incidental
the cwning
and foot-
own In
incy
handbags, scarfs
conts last
iy, is
gprir = OS
being
wear hm
i! effects
cotton
ariel
anda
for rimn ge fi ortultously pop
ping du
rene lace fs C8 ure e tive » hed
the new
patterns, minute for; and geometric
designs ntique 1 | I evelels
and nubs toth pastel and high col
ors of sp ihle
Thess in
iy
makes t
CAN PAS
be handled hy the man who
the
oarite
KA Ne
time
the
maker
they with
professional sner and de
A dress and hat wile
of same material as the wk are high
NE
(hats
fashion) mad rireg du
rene lace ont crepe is
The
the
shown to the
the
set-in plents ‘ ive
cture
crepe of repented in
race!
Ek
Ness,
ns
used suit
for the younger gir for any youth
ful appearing woman, for that
is pictured to the left Wooden
tons fasten the short Incket stra
up to the neckline The blouse which
shows its cravat tie Is of lacy durene
mesh. Hat, shoes gloves and hand
bag are a rurtic brown which imrmno
nizes with the hrown In the tweed
© 1913 Western Newspaper Union
A tweedy look
for the «
tnatter,
but
ght
IN SPRING MODELS
There 1s more and more evidence of
the coming popularity of the cape. It
appears almost daily in some new
form, in the stndios of the well. known
designers—na a half-length evening
wrap, as a full-length sports overall
As an accessory to the afternoon dress
It is made In velvet, tweed. cordn
roy, satin-—practically every imagin
ahle material,
As Mainhocher indicates in a good
many of his new spring clothes, the
looks its youngest when It is
He puts It, In an dashing abbreviated
form, on the back of little wool
ders of spring suits: he makes It into
elbow-length and hip-length wraps to
go over young giris’ evening dresses.
Slippers for Evening Are
Now Shown in All Colors
Cinderella's glass slippers ean't com.
pete with the glamorous modern mod.
els that go dancing now.
Exquisite new evening slippers
tempt from the show windows-—all
colors, all tints, to match or contrast
with the gown. They are fashioned
of velvet, doeskin, crepe, satin, bro
cade, silver and gold kidekin, and are
elaborate and ornamental
The Invish cut-out sandal is passing
out of the fashion picture. It is being
succeeded by a new sandal pattern In
which the tips of the toes and the
heels are covered.
Coral Velvets
Could anything be loveller than
lounging pajamas of coral colored vel
vet made with a fattering surplice
neckline which Is embroidered in a con.
veptional design with white angora?
COTTON MATELASSE
By CHERIE NICHOLAS
If you are going South, or If you are
staying at home, for that matter, there
is nothing smarter and newer for your
next party frock than cotton or silk
matelasse. This materin! which has
either a quilted or a blistered or a
puffed surface is the rage both here
and In style centers abroad. The
gown pictured Ia of white cotlon
matelnsse (with a roche edged sort of
a eapelet affair of organdie. The wrap
which milady carries is of cherry taf
feta, ~
WITTY KITTY
By NINA WILCOX PUTNAM
The girl-friend says that she knows
a 200-pound woman who has taken
up horseback riding to reduce, and
the horse has lost ten pounds in less
than a week.
(€. Bell Byndicate. )~~WNU Service.
WHY NOT AARON?
The circus was doing badly
funds sank lower and lower. At last
the ler pinned up a notice an-
nouncing that In foture salaries
would be pa ns
and that ists would be
the alphabetical order of names.
Next Zero, strong man
called on the
“1 have come”
you that I hs
HEE 1
cn
art
day the
cashier.
he
ive changed my name
the “And
what are you going to call yourself
now ?™
“Ach
said, “to tell
replied cashier,
Dr. Pi ts are the
inal little | at up 60 3
They i
Can't Shoot a Mosquite
It is easier to stop the barking of a
singing of a
SARS Ree
No Difficulty at All >
for Man of Medicine
The doctor's patient looked terri.
bly worn out.
“Oh, doctor” he
know what's wrong with me. I'm
never well, I can't tell you why”
“Where's the pain? asked the med.
leal man brusquely
“1 don't know,
the patient. “I ean't quite locate it,
but It's something that
quite done up, as If something in
side isn't working properly. BtiiL I'm
sure you will know what's wrong.”
The doctor nodded
“I see,” he replied. “Here's
medicine, It is for cases exactly
yours, Take it from time to
for ns long as It suits you. I can't
tell you just now how often or how
but when
you are cured you can come back to
me for some more.”
sald, *1 don't
doctor,” continued
len Y&R me
some
lke
time
long or what doses to take
Beware the Cough or
~ Cold that Hangs On
Persistent coughs and colds lead to
rious trouble. You can stop them now
with Creomulsion, en emulsified creosote
that is pleasant to take, Creomulsion is a
new medical discovery with twodol
tion; it soothes and heals the inflamed
membranes and inhibits germ growth.
Of all known drugs, creosote is recog.
nized by high med
of the greatest heal
sistent coughs and «
of throat troubles, Creom
in addition to creosote, ot
ments which soothe and he
mer :
farm n, while the ereosote goes on to
the stomach, is i the blood,
attacks the seat of the trou
the growth of the germs,
1la ia arena
i nis guar:
a] = +1 :
Cai auihorilics as one
ing agencies for per.
anes and stop the irritation and in
absorbed
nteed sat}
in the treatment of persistent coug
8, bronc]
other forms of respirat
is excellent for }
after colds or flu. M
ecoughoreold. non
ing. isn t rel
todirection 8
HE woman who gives her
organs the right stimulant
peed not worry about growing old.
Her system doesn't stagnate; her
face doesn’t age. She has the health
and “pep” that come from a lively
Liver and strong, active bowels.
When you're sluggish and the
system needs help. don’t take a jot
of “patent medicines.” There's a
famous doclor’s
wt
prescription for
just such cases, and every druggist
eeps this standard preparation. It
is made from fresh laxative herbs,
active senna, and pure pepsin. Just
ask for Dr. Caldwell’s syrup pepsin.
Take a little every day or so, until
every organ in your body feels the
big improvement.
The next time you have a bilious
headache, or feel all bound-up, take
this delicious syrup instead of the
usual cathart be rid of all
that pois waste, and you
haven't we i the bowels. You'll
have a better aj and
better in every way
use of cathartics is often
a sallow complexion anc
face. And so unnecessan
Would you like to break vourself
of the cathartic 1? At the same
time building bh h and vigor that
protects you from frequent sick
spells, headaches, and cx
big bottle of Dr. Caldwell's syrup
pepsin today. Use often enougl
avoid those attacks of constipation.
When vou feel weak and run-down
or a coated tongue or bad breath
warns you the bowels need to be
stimulated Give it to children
instead of strong laxatives that sap
their strength, It isn’t expensive.
stant
ae Cx
he cause of
Give your skin the
protection of the best
and safest soap. The
experience of mil.
lions, during the past
fifty years, tells you
that your best choice
. > is Caticura Soap.
88 Use it regularly every
day; it not only cleans.
es but keeps the skin
in good condition,
frecing it from all
cause of irritation.
WET
JOMN 1. WEST, Manse
44th TO 45th