THE JOKER'S BUDGET.
JESTS AND YARNS BY FUNNY
MEN OF THE PRESS.
The Reason Why-- During the Home
Run «- Rank Heresy ~~ A Change,
Etec , Ete.
THE REASON WHY,
He loves to rise at early dawn
When others love to lie.
This is the finest time for him,
Because he is a fly. —{ Judge.
DURING THE HOME RUN.
He heard not the coacher’s yelling,
Nor heeded the captain's call,
‘After the ball.”’
RANK HERESY.
Jess—Reverend Dr.
more; the girls have turned him
down.
Bess—Since when?
Jess—Since his sermon on
not your trust in Princes.” —[ Puck.
A CHANGE.
Mistress—Not going
g to marry that
sweep after all,
Jane?
thought it was all settled.
Jane—So it was, mum;
fact is, I saw him with
for the first time last night,
can’t marry him. You've no
but the
idea
mum.—{ Philadelphia Life.
HEAVY.
Pickly—What’s that
front of your house for?
Munson—Don’t know?
must be baking biscuit.
derrick in
ON THE WAY,
‘Is my article in the soup?” in-
quired the good natured litterateur.
I'm going to boil it down
soon.” —[ Washington Star.
A QUICK RECOVERY.
She—I am so st
out after your sudden illness.
He—What do you mean?
dinner the other night you had to be
carried home.—{ Truth.
WHEN WORDS FLOWED FREELY.
Ethel—I1 think
Clara Perkins has
«1
est eloquence of any woman I know.
Isabel—Why, she never
word during club discussion:
Ethel—No; but you should hear
her talk to her canary. —{ Ju
TOP OF THE LIST.
“There
letters.”
“Ah, indeed!
“A. A. Adams.” —{Truth.
A POOR BARGAIN.
Jess—I'11 give you a penny for your
thoughts
Chappie—I was thinking of myself.
Jess—Well, that’s the usual way
with bargains.
goes a man who leads in
IT WOULD BE A GIVE AWAY.
Dags—I see they have at
ciphered the Hittite hieroglyphies,
supposed to be 4,000 years old.
Wags—Really?
none of my jokes amon
last de-
g them,
UNPROFESSIONAL OPINION.
In the studio of a
painter before hi
“Well, what do think of it?”
‘In the first ace, I ought
tell you, si } judge.”’
‘Never ave
opinion.”
“To tell
splendid !”’
“There, you
judge you are!’
professional
to
the truth, I—I think it
what a
"we! La Figaro.
see capital
AT OLD POINT COMFORT.
Penelope Peachblow—Great
ens, Cholly Chapleigh looks as though
Dickey Doolittle (with awe)—He is.
They were the Duke of Worcester-
shire’'s once, and he is so stuck up
about them that he won’t speak to us
fellahs any more.
HIS WEAK SPOT GOXE.
“Chappie and Wilkins had a dis-
pute at the club the other night, and
head.’
“Dear me, how fortunate! Chap-
ple’s head was his only weak spot.”
-{ Harper's Bazar.
A BIBLIOPHILE.
“He's very intellectuai and litora-
ry, isn't he?"
“Why do you think so?”
“He told me he never felt himself
till he was snugly ensconced in his
library.”
“Well, you see, his folding bed is
8 bookcase.” —{ Judge,
TWO POINTS OF VIEW,
Flushly—It is easy to acquire a
taste for terrapin,
Dedbroke-~Yes; easier than to ae-
quire the terrapin.~{Truth.
WISHED HE WAS THERE.
He had just eaten of her biscuits
for the first time, and was pensive,
“Darling,”’ asked the bride with a
joyous smile, ‘‘of what were you
thinking?’
‘I was thinking,”” he said slowly,
‘‘of Samon.'’
“It must be a beautiful place,”
she said, ‘but why Samoa?”’
There was a far-away look In lis
eyes ns he remarked :
‘Bread grows on tho troes there.”
{New York World.
AFFORDING HER AMUBEMENT.
Watts—Do you a'ways agree with
oar wf: when sht makes an assor-
on?
Potts Of Sautse I don’t. Do you
‘suppose I want the poor woman lo
“have no amusement at all ?~{Indian-
‘Spolis Journal, .
FASTIDIOUS,
Young Wife-~John, dear, I'm so
glad you are coming home to dinner.
Now I am going to make a pie for
you by my own self,
John (nervously )—Very well. dear,
mind you do, but not too much crust,
you know. I never touch pile crust.
Young Wife—All right, Johnny,
then the pie shall be extra nice inside,
with a lovely gravy.
John (trying to speak cheerfully )—
Yes, darling, but don’t put too much
inside, you know. 1 never eat the
inside of pies, and I don’t eare much
for gravy.
———————— —
A MODEST MAN,
Employer—Want to marry my
daughter, eh? And next, I suppose,
you'll want your salary raised so
that you can support her!
Employee—Oh, no sir! I shall
expect you to support us both.—
{ [Kate Field's Washington.
DIPLOMATIC
The social reformer was paying a
vigit to the convicts in the
RETICENCE.
tions,
i in the sho
“Making shoes,”
1
sNop.
that direction,—[ Detroit Free Press.
SHE OPENED HIS EYES,
awake all night, 1
my eyes,” remarked
been
closed
“I've
haven't
| young widow.
| ‘Then mamma would get a
| silk dress,”’ sald the widow's
| girl by a former marriage.
{ “What do you mean?’
venerable stepfather.
little
asked the
have a new silk dress and
and things.” —{Texas Siftir
TAKEN AT HER
ors
KS.
WORD,
| be so angry, Belle, since you refused
{ Harry flatly, of your own accord?
Belle—To think that the idio
should take meat my word ! i
| terrible |—{ Boston Courier.
HE KNEW BETTER.
Prisoner (to his lawyer)—Si
{ you really believe all youl
saying about
| speech for my
Lawyer (smilingly)
Ido!
Prisoner—I don't
i
fy
TURTLES THAT FOUGHT.
| Two Fishermen Interfere
Novel and Desperate Battie.
It is no uncommon thing for snap-
| ping turtles to be br
{ of the towns of
| contrary, *
On tl
Pennsylvania. On the
}
{ing is a sport peculiar to the regi
| hundreds of the big turtles being cap-
tured in varions of
{ the season. Dut it is uncommon for
| snapping
just the way that yught
into Fisher's Eddy a few days ago.
{ The two turtles were very large
and one had its jaws closed ti
left foreleg of the othe !
that position they were captured by
hn and James
under the
Owing circumstances
TR TIE ' SBualitrner Bory
snapper’ fishing or hunt
3
1"
M1,
WAYS every
Week
two were br
EH,
i the
Ji Skelly
toll ’
The two Skelly
the eddy from a
oat when they saw a
in the water a few
paddied
the commotion
two big
boys were fishing
flat-bottomed
great commo-
ion
The ¥
saw that
| made by
which were engaged
fight. They rushed a
and came together wit
rods distant,
S008
toward the spot
=
i
another,
1 8 shock that
i
t one
}
i
more and threw the water about ir
showers. As they darted
| eeedingly agile and quizk in the water,
{ although so clumsy and slow on land
~they made savage lunges with their
i heads at ond another's
| other at a vulnerable point. i
| lisions and manocuvres lasted sev.
eral minutes without either turtle
obtaining any advantage, when sud-
denly one of them dashed through
the water toward his antagonist, who
glaring and his massive head thrust
forward to seize his assailant if pos-
sible.
When the latter was within a foot
or so of the walting turtle he dived
like a flash and came up under his
foe, and, before the latter could
ward off the unexpected attack,
closed his jaws on one of his fore
legs, near the shell. The struggles
of the turtle thus caught foul to free
itself were so desperate that the
water was lashed into foam, and in a
short time became colored with
blood.
A snapping turtle never releases
its hold on anything it may close its
{ jaws on until that object is dead, and
the efforts of this turtle to release it
self from his foe were not only una-
valling, but tended to place him at
still greater disadvantage by wearing
out his strength. When the specta-
tors of this novel battle saw that
there could be no question as to its
result they set about capturing both
duellists. They paddled close to
where the turtles were struggling,
and, watching their opportunity,
each man seized a turtle by its tail
and lifted both into the boat before
the turtles knew what was going on.
The fishermen were by no means
pleased with what they had done,
though, for the fight went rnght
on, and the boys were compelled to
take a hand in it to maintain a place
for themsclves in the boat. ith
the boat paddle and one of the seats
they pounded the turtles on their
heads until both were stretched on
the bottom of the boat. The jaws of
the Giw were still tightly closed on
the leg of the other, and remained so
for ten hours arter the head was cute
ofl.—{New York San.
Maxy of the leading newspaper eor-
re¢pondents of this country and Eu-
rope declare that there will be a great
European war before the summer of
"04 is past. There are others who as
aforesaid correspondents is father to
the thought.
has lived with no other food for sixty
aays, losing but fifteen pounds in the
interval. “* What fools we
be.’
from which she will never recover.
Miss Ray
the first woman to reach the summit
of Mount Ranier, of Tacomah, 14,444
feet above the level of the sea, She
wore nn flannel bloomer suit,
woolen hose and heavy cork
carrying an alpenstock and her own
Few men possess the rare
strength, courage and endurance ne-
thick
shoes,
Ture Ameer of Bokhara, in Central
Asin, has his habits
and customs, as a refult of his recent
voyage in Russian, He has opened
modified entirely
organized
{ dancing parties.
Moreover,
with all
does not seem to
to the Ameer in gen-
He has ordered an-
be built in the European
style, near the Russian Legation, un-
the supervision of a French archi-
his palace, its
be satisfactory
VERY great surprise has been caus-
ed by the of ort which
been made with regard to recruiting in
France during the past year for
untary engagements for three years’
orps d'armee the
and artillery
short of
Ri nas
vOi-
even
ment, and in the
been a quite
alling off of ni
Lhelr peact Ome
there has Ak
tounding {i
War spirit i
JRATRE
*
Fra
sail 89
alryman’'s
bre,
Tense
War Department hy
oh
LARD
ete
3 #
(ness
gs oes 4
Hee 3
.
temper d
order
ii Yisw
material ower
he average
western
gpective district
5 ¢4 *
and st
railways, navigable rivers
ial lines, and first-class paved
Among
thos
Hy
ox DY
highways
the qu wounded are
other.
and
power of
of tracks, rates for
between ter
government
wise:
COrpora n or
length, condition
the
tin be r
freight and
nd intermediate
through traffic and short hauls, fre-
quency of communication, and in
case of roads overcoming great obsta-
cles the methods adopted are to be
specially reported.
Two
sie ADU
YvoRsels, 1
4 HF
passe nge
points
k
adver
entare-loving Hungarians
~= Antonio Blim and Louis Budinich
early in August, 1892, started to
walk fron: Buenos Ayres to Chicago.
They propose to write a book when |
they have completed their long pe
destrian trip, recounting not only
their experience on the journey, but |
giving as well data of the countries
through which they shall have passed |
that they hope will prove of value to |
prospective settlers in the southern
countries, They have recently reach.
ed Panama, where tliey were made
much of by certain high officials, who
aided them in raising a considerable
sum of money to continue their jour-
ney, for their funds had become sad-
ly depleted. Leaving Buenos /yres
Bim and Budinich traveled first to
Bolivia, stopping at the chief points
of interest on the way. From Bo-
livia they journeyed up through Peru, |
Eucador and Colombia, Much of|
the country through which they have |
pressed is practically uninhabited, and
they have been exposed to all man- |
ner of hardships,
!
|
Houraxp has perhaps come nearer
than any other nation to successfully
solving the problem of what to do |
with city paupers. Usually they are |
herded into great peothouses and fed |
at public expense. The only work
they do is that required to keep the
premises where they are housed in or-
der. The charity they live on is dol-
ed out to them grudgingly, and they
are u heavy oxpense. Political cor-
ruption and private jobbery ercep in-
to the management of the establish-
ments where they are kept. That at
lonst is the American systom, and it
could not be worse. With the thrifty,
wise Dutch the idea Is not to herd
them together, but to scatter them.
They arc taken from the city slums
and distributed upon public farms.
Profossor Peabody, who gives in the
Daten system, says there are no great
poorhouses and few able-bodied pau-
pers in Holland, There is a tract of
public land containing five thousand
acres, It is divided into six model
lief. If he voluntarily serves till he
pauper who is thus reclaimed to hon-
to the State. There is also a
labor eslony, where beggars and va-
grants are sent and made to do farm
and other work, whether they want
<< Zr not.
THE establishment of a holiday to
be known as “Bird Day,”
ture, whose name
the observance
the
is
of
=n.
Arbor Day,
In
Enys
Jaltimore reply to a
the secretary “It is a
choly fact that among the enemies of
our birds two of the most destructive
and relentless are our women and our
BRYS
boys.
tation so thoughtlessly
by thousands of women
for collecting e
persisted in
and the
and k
ted in our
{1
Hing
DOYS
rors
i
nin
birds, so deeply re
legacies of barbarism
from our savage ancestry.
that a public sentiment
inherited
I believe
Can be
are
de-
1
hat an respectable wi will be
ashamed to be with
a bird on her bonnet
boy will be ashamed
ever robbed a nest or
the life of a bird.’
ment of ‘Bird Day.,”’
have i
tend to
ses inherent in
nnn
seen
i sian
honest
he
and an
to own that
wantonly
The establi
moral effect, and
“replace the barbaric impul-
human nature by the
nobler impulses and aspirations that
wholesome
advanced civili-
from
i the
discriminate slaughter
: opped because of
ston
characterize
Apart sentimental
sun
adds t
of
ric
{ free
Tat Le,
Thoory of the Formation of Hail,
The interestin
:
i
: i ! 3
city plays in the
forth in a recent
scientist said iat whil
Ps
Ciel
has been, to the popular mis
oisture that has been cot
through strata of
His Ow shownt y inEN
processes that
flakes of dry
i against Lhe
drops water, heco
«1 with negative ele
attracted by
electricity of the drops of water
The snow flukes behind the
covered with a layer of ice,
first dry and then moistened.
are at the same time charged with
positive electricity, are driven
ity, and
in an outward direction by the posi.
tive electricity «
y or
il 44
‘ ctricity
are then
the positive
ure at
the
break through the
and, becoming charged
cloudy stratum
anew
with a new snowy layer, and
again attracted by the cloud.
hailstone, taking a wavy line,
becomes enlarged by coating it
self with alternate layers of opaque
and transparent matter, and
mately thrown to the right
left, oceasioning thus the
Each
of hail,
which then takes place in two par-
allel bands, separated from each
sun.
A Queer Old World Custom.
A curious and ancient custom has
just been observed at Bourne, Lin-
In accordance with tra-
usage, the White Bread
direction of the
Charity Trustees, let by auction. A
ditional
highest offer at the time the winner
breasted the tape. The rentsof the
meadow was then expended in “white
bread’ loaves, which were distributed
among the poor of the town.—{ York.
shire Herald.
A Monster Eagle.
Mr. J. R. Davis. of Colquitt, pre-
sonted us a fow days ago with the
talon of an immense eagle which he
recently killed with his Snorting
Winchester. The huge bird measu
six feet nine inches from tip to tip of
wings and seven and one-half inches
from rear to front toes. With ease
this winged monster could have car.
ried away a small child or lamb,
TREE-CLIMBING CRABS,
Four Feet in Diameter and Crack
Cococanuts with Their Claws,
When the naturalists of California
have completed their collection of
ns worthy of their scentific attention,
are two of them, is still alive, and
although not yet inured to the chill
of good health, “It's a
member of the crab family,
green in color, and measuring
upward of four feet in diameter, the
largest erab that ever crossed a torrid
sand or climbed a cocoanut tree, and
rejoicing in a number of names, of
is the most
and lirgos latro the
Strange to gay, neither the specimens
secured nor any or their kind have
ever been known to enter the water.
belong to the purely land
no worthy
scientific,
its way into the British Museum, and
which are so rare that that
tion has entered a heavy bid
of those captured.
sSeum will
all the way from Londo:
session if tho present ow
institu-
for one
authorities
to sell.
The erabs were brought
cocoanut inden
from ing and Washington
cargo. They were secured on Pal
myra Islands, in the South Paci
{
I ft have
‘ I BNE 3% fH 6s
and ns y devel
seh ite
. ‘
give ions of their
i
breaking broom-handles
and
stems
toys {f they were pipe-
simplest
ri y Crush
Or ar ‘ Hm r way,
to
thilpser inn
Lian
aman TR
unately
BLEgCTr
south
vaght protec
near Midwas
2 wa ower ¥y
arageed
ter being several months in
ft y week
along 10 rescue re. On the
Yokohama with the
wrecked party ti ak ipper
Norma died, and when port
reached Captain Walker purchased
the v
The record of the adv
Walker family on their
would read
‘Robinson Crusor
ship-
the
passage 10
of
WES
ntures of the
desert island
as 0 second edition of
The total area
than a
or vegetable—=noth-
but a spring of water, a few
stunted bushes, and sand.
was at the highest point a rude hut
which United States surveyors had
which, re-
wreckage,
The staple
paired with ropes and
formed the homestead.
‘goonie’’ or
This was
was seabird-—the
sen fowl of the Pacific.
monico and a few more. Once or
twice turtles sought the shore, and it
may safely be said they were wel-
come visitors, Twice did the rhip-
wrecked ones attempt to build them-
selves frail vessels of driftwood, with
which they hoped to return to elvili-
zation, but just as they were com-
pleted sudden storms made wreck of
the weary labor of months.—{San
Francisco Examiner,
———
He Didn't Mind It.
A New York policeman a day or
two ago, as he was patrolling his
beat, saw a couple of men engaged in
a fight. He drew near to separate
them as fast as comported with his
official dignity, and before he reached
them, was horrified to see one of them
gouge out the other's eye, which
rolled into the gutter. The police:
man forgot his dignity and ron
shouting toward them, when they
took the alarm and started to run
away. He managed to eateh the one
who had dug out the other's eye, and
leading him around the corner came
upon the other, who was engaged in
replacing his lost optic. The officer
demanded an explanation, when the
injured past sald that It was a glass
oye, an thas the loss of it did not
hurt him at all. The disgusted off.
cer let them both go about their busi-
"
GULLS SACRED INUTAR,
It —— »
Why Grateful Mormons Impose a Fine
for Killing the Bird.
Most interesting of the birds that
we saw on our daily walk to the pas.
ture were the gulls, great, beautiful,
gnowy creatures, who looked strange.
ly out of place so far away from the
seashore, « Stranger, too, than theis
change of residence was their change
of manners from the wild, unap-
proachable seabirds, soaring and div
ing and apparently spending their
lives on wings. From this high place
in our thoughts, from this realm oA
poetry and mystery, to come down
almost to the tameness of the barn-
yard fowl is a marvellous transfor.
mation, and one is tempted to believe
the solemn announcement of the Sait
Lord sent them
The oe
this alleged special favor
saints was the
-
Carion
10 the
ndvent
of
Leseget
oud
It was
test need,
nded
that
Messe oers
in their hou
od
re
green
when the { which depe
these beautiful
In ln cks they came,
ere, and settled
ver the
ng
ceasing the
The
11 Deseret rejoice i
onder that a opie tran 1 10 re.
gard the head of their Church as the
representative
ould believe these to be really birds
rod, and should ac
Well would it
Crops
1
i
J
f 43
i the 0
ighest
herish
them
1 Were
ng, and protected and
rs
their
y who wielded
coraingiy
other winged mMoessengs
truly to protect
beside the
ure useful-
lered the
ariess and
foliow
Kens,
A Funny Shoe Story.
A company of idlers on
piazza, says the San Francisco
were telling such yarns as are com-
£pun in such
1 offered to wager
piace & Wi
that
m both on at
Well, y« gee, it was this way.
the shoemaker was slow and 1 was in
a hurry. A boy who has never had
a pair of shoes finds it hard to wait.
Come Saturday night the man had
one of them done, but told me I
should have to wait a week for the
other.
“Well, give me that one anyhow,”
said I, and I carried it home. 1 wore
the next, for
keep his word any
"wi
and by the time the second one was
“*And #0 the thing went on. That
was 80. slow and the
leather was so poor and I ran about
so much that somehow I never once
had both shoes on together, and by
and by they were gone entirely.”
Energy from Water Under Pressure
A hydro-electric plant of consider-
able interest is now in course of con
struction at Antwerp, Belgium. The
aim of the work is to avoid the high
cost of the continuous current wiring
and the high tension of the alternat-
ing current, which apparentiy is dis.
turbing to the Belgian mind. The
plant aims to overcome these alleged
objections by using water under pres.
sure as a source of energy, which is
distributed through street pipes to a
number of small stations, In these
stations are a number of hydraulic
motors driving dynamos which des
liver a continuous current over an
area of about 1,640 feet radius around
each substation. The plant now
building has a main station contain
ing two horizontal compound con.
densing Sulzer engines, with cylinders
of 20.9 and 48.8 inches diameter and
41.4 inches stroke, running at a speed
of thirty to seventy-five revolutions a
minute. They are directly connected
to the pumps, which deliver about
gixteen and a half gallons of water
per revolution each, under a pressure
of about 760 pou The water is
a