HUMOROUS.
Bora IN HARD Luck.—This story
opens on the third floor of a magnifl-
cent New York apartment house,
“‘He had been twisting about on his
chair trying to find words to express
his undying devotion, and had already
#=—un to hem and haw, when a voice
came from the floor below:
“Miss Candlestick,” it sald, **I love
you passionately—madly; bid me but
hope, and all the dark colors of my life
will change!”
This was a bonanza for the young
man above.
“Miss Clara, darling,” he said, trem-
ulously, ‘‘them’s my sentiments.”
Then another voice came from be-
low:
“No, Mr. Goatee, I cannot bid you
hope; I love another.”
“And them’s mine, Mr, Morrs,’’ re-
marked Miss Clara.
A SURE S16N.—Kind old gentleman,
to street boy—Where were you born,
my son?
Boy~Dunno, sir.
“Ah, you don’t know. What are
you going to do when you become a
man?”
“Rob trains.”
“Ah, (musingly), the little fellow
was born in Missourl.”
“EDITOR'S BACK STAIRS.”
The Interesting Views of the Late Dr.
J. G. Helland.
The columns of the newspapers ap-
pear to be flooded with proprietary
medicine advertisements, As we cast
our eye over them, it brings to mind
an article that was published by the
late Dr. Holland in Scribner's Monthly.
He says: *‘Nevertheless, it is a fact
that many of the best proprietary
medicines of the day were mote suc-
cessful than many physicians, and
most of them, it should be remembered
were at first discovered or used in
actual medical practice. When, how-
ever, any shrewd person, knowing their
virtue, and forseeing their popularity,
gecures and advertises them, then, in
the opinion of the bigoted, all virtue
went ont of them.”
Is not this absurd?
This great man appreciated the real
merits of popular remedies, and the
absurdity of those that derided them
because public attention was called to
the article and the evidence of their
cures. If the most noted physician
should announce that he had made a
study of any certain organ or disease
of the body, or make his sign larger
than the code size, though he may
have practiced medicine and been a
leader in all medical counsels, not with-
standing all this, if he should presume
to advertise and decline to give his dis.
#1 have used Paine’'s Celery Compound and it
has had a salutary
effect. Itinvigorat-
ed the system and I
feel like a Dew
man, It improves
the appetite and
facilitates diges-
tion.” J.T. Core
LAND, Primus, 8.C.
" Paine’s
Celery Compound
15 a unique tonic and appetizer. Pleasant wo
the taste, quick in its action, and without any
injurious effect, it gives that rugged health
which makes everything taste good. It cures
dyspepsia and kindred disorders. Physicians
prescribe it. $1.00. Six for $5.00, Druggista
“WrLLs, Ricuarpsox & Co., Burlington, ve.
Spring medicine moans more now-a-days than it
did ten years ago. The winterof 1685-80 has left
the nerves all Jagged out, Tho nerves must be
strengthened, the blood purified, liver and
bowels regulated. Paine's Celery Compound.
the Spring medicine of to-day-—-Aoes all this,
a8 nothing else can, Preseribed by Phywicians,
Recommended by Druggists, Endorsed by Ministers,
Guaranteed by the Manufacturers (o be
The Best
Spring Medicine.
“In the spring of 1887 I was all run down. 1
would get up in the m with 80 tired &
fecling, and was 50 weak that I could hardly get
around. I boughta bottle of Paine's Celery Com.
pound, and before ¥ had taken it a week 1 felt
very much better. I can choefully recommend
it 10 all who need a up and strengthen.
Dow, Burlington, Yi.
“Color anything any color,
Never Full! Always sure!
DIAMOND DYES
REE —
FARM NOTES,
Tae Cur WorM.--The cut worm
is an interesting subject. Whatever
anybody has to say about it will be
read by the average farmer with care.
We observe that an eastern writer says
that salt is no remedy. He says that
he bas kept the worm in salt, and that
it has lived and maintalned a good
degree of health. We should be in-
clined to doubt that if an apparently
truthful man had not asserted it. Come
to think of it, we doubt it anyhow,
This writer thinks that the frost is the
best remedy for the cut worm. He
can endure the cold beneath the sur-
face, but when he is turned up out of
the ground where the frost can get
right down on him it soon ends his ex-
istence. To clear a fleld of cut worms
plow the ground in the fall as late as
possible, and leave the ground in the
rough furrow without harrowing. No
matter how much sod there be or how
heavy the soil, but few cut worms will
escape, However, to make assurance
doubly sure, cross-plow the field in the
spring as early as possible, 80 as to give
the frost another chance, and you can
put in your corn or early vegetables in
perfect security, The frost will not
only kill out the cut worms, but will
pulverize the clods and render the soil
easier of cultivation during the grow-
ing season. Fall plowing saves work
in the spring at a time when the
farmer is anxious to hurry bis crops,
No farm upon which late plowing is
practiced troubled with the cut
worn, It left alone, the cut worm
gets out of the way of the frost long
before it appears, but seldom goes
deeper than the plow, and if thrown
out late in the fall is unable to gel
back to a safe depth.
the only place for the cul worm
all classes of soil be plowed.
is
ing medicine.” Mra BA.
Nowrishes babies oelly.
The Physician's
comms
AT Miss de Snobbe’s musicale:
Smith—I wonder what those two
women over there can be talking about.
They haven’t listened to a single bit of
the music.
Muttonhedde—8h! They are two of
the most prominent society leaders and
they are trying to manufacture a cou-
ple of grandfathers for the Centennial
ball,
————
To-Night and To-Morrow Night,
And each day and nightduring the week
you can get at all druggists’ Kemp's Bal-
sam for the Throat and Lungs, acknowl
edged to be the most successful remedy
ever sold for the cure of Coughs, Croup,
Bronchitis, Whooping Cough, Asthma,
and Consumption. Get a bottle fo-day and
keep it always in the house,
check your cold at once.
BO
Sl
you can
Price and $1,
Sample bottles free,
———— ————— I ODIO
Harp Luck?—He—by Jove, it’s the
best thing 1 ever painted, and I'll tell
you what, I've a good mind to give it
to Mary Morison for her wedding pres.
ent!
His wifey—Ob, but, my love, the
Morisons have always been so hospita-
ble to us! You ought to give her a
real present, you know-—a fan or a
scent bottle, or something of that sort!
ememptii—
“Is 17 true, Angelina,’ said a young
lady addressing an acquaintance, *‘that
there has Leen a rupture between you
and Clarence de Johnpes?”’
“It is quite true.”
“Gracious! What was the couse?”
“He was addicted to the use of
slang.”
“Oui”
the habit, but he persisted mn it."
“And the result?”
‘“The result 18, be Is in the soup.”
ecmal——
AWE SE RRA Er
Noraing 190 Goop.—Editor, Ww
gentleman just arrived —We don’t want
any poetry.
Gentleman—No?
“Nor prose,”
“Not”
‘*Nor blank verse.”’
“How would a $2 bill sult you for a
year’s subscription in advance?”’
“Why, my dear sir, why didn’t you
say so at first? (To office boy), James,
give this gentleman a couple of chairs
and the floor te spit cn.”
TrAaMr—lease, mum, I'm starving,
Won’t you let me have a postage
stamp to lick?
Experienced housekeeper— Why, cer-
tainly, My husband is just finishingga
letter to John L. Sullivan, offering to
fight him anywhere, at any time, for
$10,000 a side, Marquis of Queensbury
rules. Wait until he is through and
perhaps he'll let you put the stamp on.
Tramp, hastily departing—Thankee
kindly, mum, but maybe I can git a
stamp at the next house without wait-
ing.
Nothing Cures Dropsy, Gravel, Bright's, Heart,
Disbates, Urinary, liver Diseases, Nervousness,
&e,, ke Cannon's kidney Cure. OfMoe, 831 Arch
St, Phila. § a botile, 6 for $6. AL Druggisia
Curesthie worst cases Cure guaranteed, I'ry is
Save your cold tea; it is excellent for
cleaning grained wood,
Frazer Axle Grease.
The Frazer Axle Grease received medals
at the Centennial, North Carolina State
Fair, Paris Exposition, American Insti-
tute, New York, and others.
Never put a hot fron directly upon
silk—it takes the life cut of it,
_- - a
No Oriom in Piso's Cure for Consump-
tion. Cures where other remedies fall, 20c,
“I was badly bitten by flies in every
country in Europe except Belgium.”
“Have they pone there?"
“I don’t know, I didn’t
Ee a
go there.
i
Dipx'r Fixisa.~~Winks-—-I didn’t
see you around yesterday,
Minks-—-No. I had a room that
needed papering and painting, and I
thought I'd stay home and do it my-
relf, But can’t stop to talk—I'm in a
hurry.
“What's up?”
‘““Well, I've got to take my business
suit to the dyer’s and cleaner’s, my
wife's best dress along with it, and I
must stop at a store for a new carpet,
and then hunt up some painters and
paper hangers to—to put the finishing
touches to that room, you know.”
Bonuth Dakota's Doom. .
South Dakota is now engaging public atien-
tion through her recent achievement of state.
hood, as well as by the phenomenal growth
and the rapid development of her wonderful
agricultural resources, and the advantages
offered to home-seckers and persons desiring
safe and profitable investments. A Dew
pamphlet containing recent letters citing the
sctual experiences of reliable residents, and
other valuable information reisting to Dakota,
will be malled free upon request by E. P. Wir.
son, No. 22 Fifth avenue, Chicago, Til.
ti A
OLp LADY-—1 hope, my boy, you
don’t sell papers on Sunday?
Small newsboy, sadly—No, mum, I
ain't big enough ter carry a Sunday
edition yet.
—————— ————————
A Radien! Cure for Epileptic Fite.
To the Editor—Please inform
that | haves positive remedy
pamed disease which
worst oases. Bo stron
tues that I will send
is my faith in its vir-
ree & aatnple bottie and
we his P. 0. and Express address. Resp’
H.G. ;
ncn APA ————s
bright little lady?
Dr. Paine, dryly—Yes,
bright. I sometimes wonder
humor does not amount to a disease,
she has Bright's disease, papa.
|
|
i
“Brother Charile, what 4
{ board, under the birdies IV
“It says ‘Be sure to get Hood's Sarssparilia’’
SAP
by Hood's Rarespariia, that you wil
medicine, you shoud BY
Write foroironiam,
-
The most oer.
tain mised sulle
nHEMEDY
the
Pain
in world
instantly
stops the most
that
excruciating
pains, It is
truly the grea
CONQUEROR
OF FAIN, ang
has done nore
good than any
known remedy
For BPRAINS, BRUISES BACKACHE,
PAIN In the CHEST or SIDES, HEAD.
ACHE, TOOTHACHE, or any other EX.
TERNAL PAIN, a few applications acl
like magic, cesasing the FAIN 0 IN.
KTANTLY STOP.
For CONGESTIONS, INFLAMMATIONS,
SORE THROAT, PROXCHITIS, COLD 10
the CHEST, MHEUMATISE, NEURAL
GIA, LUMBAGO, BCIATICA, YAINS in
the Kinuil of the Back, ote , more extended,
longer continued and repested applica.
tons are necessary to effect a cure.
A INTERNAL PAINS, (In the Bowels or
Stomach), CRAMYS, SPASMS, SOUK
STOMACH NAUSEA VOMITING HEART
BUKN, DIARRHEA, COLIU, FLATU-
LEROY, FAINTING sPELLS, are refioved
tostantly and QUICKLY CURED by taking
sold by Druggists.
RADWAY'S
READY
RELIEF
Price 50ec.
“WHY YOU SHOULD USE
SCOTT'S EMULSION
or COD LIVER OIL vou
HYPOPHOSPHITES.
It is used and endorsed by Phy-
sicians because it is the best,
It is Palatable as Milk.
It is three times as efficacicns af
plain Cod Liver Oil.
It is far superior to all other go.
called Emulsions.
It is a perfect Emulsion, does not
separate or change.
It is wonderful as a flesh producer.
It ic the best remedy for Consump-
tion, Scrofula, Bronchitis, Waste.
ing Diseases, Chronic Cough and
Colds,
Sold by all Druggists,
SCOTTY & BOWNE, Cuemists, N. Ve
HEGE™S IMPROVED CTRCTIAR
h/
Lam
A 4
SAWMITE,
SA I
With Universal Log Besin snd Simulianeous
Works, also Engines, Wood Planers. Manulscturedty
SALEM IRON WORKS, SALEM, N. 0,
Wind Proof.
Mills, Lumber
for Catalogues,
Water-Froof,
¥ sctories
wep Or i
bend
Fiat Roofs,
Samples, ele,
GUTTA PERCHA RUOFIN
; | BaskrvUPT.—He was taking ber |
ie wiiter will find people ‘Who will | home, after the theatre and a little |
B i Lina people il | supper at Delmonico’s,
not agree with him, He will find those i De Og ’" said he suddenly, as he
" i a g 1 - Pe op _ a}
who will not x lieve that salt is Basjent, | gazed dreamily at the silvery disk over- |
and he will hd Waode who will Bot head, **why am I like the moon?" i
agree that fall plowing is a sovereign | +t {an’t because you are full, 1s it?” |
covery to the public, he would be pro-
nounced a quack and a humbug, al-
though he may have spent his entire
lite and all his available funds In per.
fecting bis Investigations.
Again we say, “absurd.”
duced 10 buy some other preparation, which may i
be calmed 10 be “as good as Hood's.” Hemem. |
Bo matter what they offer you, Look for ihe big | ber thal the 80.0 TeRsOD for tecommending somo. |
jetter Z on the botte, with Hood's Sarsspariils | Shing else when Hood's Sareapariiia is calied for |
on it’ And that's what I'm going to 40.” | 1a that more profit will be made on the substitule, |
This little dialogue dwells upon & point we wish Therefore we say: Insist on having Hood's Bar-
to strongly impress upon your mind, 11 you have | BApAria
“Why, that's what Mamma told sa”
“Yes, and she sald ‘Do nol take anything else,
Do not be induced to buy any olher, Empire Paint and Roofiag Co. 112% and
130 Race St, Phils
If an ulcer is found upon one’s arm,
and is cured by some dear old grand-
mother, outside of the code, it will be
pronounced by the medical profession
an ulcer of little importance. But if
treated under the code. causing sleep-
less nights for a month, with the
scientific treatment, viz,, plasters,
washes, dosing with morphine, arsenic
and other vile substances, given to
prevent blood poisoning or deaden
pain, and yet the ulcer becomes malig-
pant, and amputation is made neces
sary at last, to save life, yet all done
according to the *“isms’’ of the medi-
cal code, this is much more gratifying
to the medical profession, and adds
more dignity to that distinguished
order than to be cured by the dear old
grandmother's remedy.
This appears like a severe arraign-
ment, yet we believe that it expresses
the true standing of the medical pro-
fession in regard to remedies discovered
ouiside of their special *‘isms.”’
day is the popularity of certain reme-
dies, especially Warner's Safe Cure,
which we find for sale everywhere,
The physician of the highest standing
is ready to concede its merits and sus-
tain the theories the proprietors have
made—that is, that 1t benfits 1n most of
the allments of the buman system
because it assists in putting the kid-
neys in proper condition, thereby aiding
in throwing off the impurities of the
blood, while others with less honesty
and experience deride, and are willing
to see their patient die scientifically,
and according to the code, rather than
have him cured by this great remedy.
Yet we notice that the popularity of
the medicine continues to grow year
by year. The discoverer comes boldly
before the people with its merits, and
proclaims them from door to door in
our opinion much more honorably than
the physician who, perchance, may
secure a patient from some catastrophe,
and is permitted to set a bone of an
arm or a finger, which he does with
great dignity, yet so very soon after
takes the liberty to climb the editor's
back stairs at 2 o'clock in the morning
to have it announced in the morning
paper that “Dr. So-and-s0 was in at-
tendance,” thus securing for his benefit
a beautiful and froe advertisement,
We shall leave it to our readers to
say which is the wiser and more honor.
able,
& Lm ——— I SS
CARPET DEALER--Yes, madame,
Shalt 18.4 Wine fie carpet and very dur.
remedy, Bat fall plowing will do
good.
WuereveER forest
leaves can be
neglected, A statement has been made
to the effect that a pile of leaves ten
feet high and seventy-five feel square
at the base, after two years, left a resi-
due of not more than two barrowloads;
tering work will not pay.” .Had these
leaves been put under a horse for litter
the animal would have enjoyed the
soft, warm bedding, and they would
have gone out with the manure and
served a most valuable purpose in the
| soil, not only contributing to it useful
plant food, but mixing with it ab-
sorbent, pulverulent matter which
| greatly improves the texture of both
| light and heavy soils alike, This plle
{ of leaves would not have weighed over
ous thousand pounds, and it left two
barrowloads of debris, after two years,
which contained twice as much valu-
able mineral matter and one and a
half times as much nitrogen as one
thousand pounds of timothy hay. But
who would call the gathering of
timothy hay free of cost for It8 use as
manure ‘“‘puttering work?’ The fact
is, the value of forest leaves is scarcely
known by farmers, either for their
pie as summer feeding or for winter
tier.
Tae finest feed for steers that one
could possibly imagine is Indian corn-
fodder cut up early enough in the fall
to have it bright and green. If this
fodder is grown so thick as to have ears
about half or two-thirds the usual size
upon each stalk the amouut of feed
will be surprisingly large, and there
will still be sufficient grain to keep
the animal thrifty even though a part
of the feed is millet and oat straw
Such corn-stalks may be fed long, or,
better yet, should be run through the
feed-cutter and deposited in feeding
boxes so constructed that the cattle
cannot throw out the fodder in search.
fug for parts of it.
To TeLL A FHEEP'S AGE. It Is
large teeth In the centre of the jaw,
and two are added each year up to five
years, when the steep is said to have a
“full mouth.” After this the age can-
not be told by the teeth, and unless
the animal 1s vigorous it has nearly
outlived 1ts usefulness, and sbould be
Fi
es
¥
3
REERE
Sit
§
g
E
2
i
£
:
:
£3
£3
| she asked, as she edged away from him,
{| “No,” said he, sadly; '*it’s because
| I'm on my last quarter,”
-
SCIENTIFIC, — First schoolboy — 1
wonder why do [Oreflies have fire in
| their stomachs?
! is where they cook it.
| : =
| That tired feeling, so sublle and yet %0
| powering, is entirely overcome by Hood's Sares
| partils, which tones and srengilens the system
and gives a good appetite. Be sure to get Hood's
Samaparilia. “100 Doses One Dollar™ ia trae only
of this peculiar medicine,
aver.
Remove stains from the windows by
using diluted spirits of salt.
Rupture cureguaranieced by
Dr. J. B. Mayer, 831 Arch St, hil'a,
Pa. Ease at once, no operation or de
lay from business, attested by thon.
sands of eures after others fail, advice
free, send for circular,
Fruit stains may be removed by
freezing.
—————
EITS + All Fits stopped free ny Dr. Kiine's Grea
Nerve Hestorer, No Fitsaloer Ors day's ase, Mar.
veious cures, Treatise and $2.00 trial bottle free to
Fit cases, Send to Dr. Kine 931 Ares St. Palla, Pa
Above all things avoid laziness,
n——— PT SAS
If aMicted with sore eyes usd Dr, Issas Thompe
son ‘sEye-water. Druggists sell at Zc. por bottle
EE
Lend. hoping for nothing.
Ely’s Cream Balm
Price 50 Cents,
WILL CURE
CATARRH
Apply Balm into each nostril.
ELY BROS, 8 Warren st, NX. ¥,
——
PEE dr
Seti ainatbonibataliatint
DRE
port NY
used Plao's
| been jad to decide, from the adverusing or from
i
!
i
Sold by all drageinta, $3; Wx for $5, Preparsd only
| by C LEBOOD & OO, Lowell, Mans,
100 Doses One Dollar
That dainty lady tripping by,
How light her step, how bright her eye,
How fresh her cheek with healthful glow,
Like roses that in Maytime blow’
And yet fow woeks have passed away
Since she was fading, day by day.
The doctor's skill could naught avail;
Weaker she grew, and thin and pale.
Dr. Plerce's Favorite Preseri
and de ts
faithfully
Dr. Pierce's Pellets,
Hood's Sarsapariiis 1s the ideal Spring Medicine
by C. L BOOD & Cu, Lowell, Mass,
100 Doses One Dollar
At last, while in a hopeless frame,
One day she said, “ There is a name
I've often seen—a remedy
Perhaps ‘twill help: 1 can but try”
And so, according to direction,
She took Dr. Pierce's Favorite Presoription,
And every baleful symptom fled,
And she was raised as from the dead.
vegetable and periocly
Rho o
e only medicine for the dis.
ges
printed on
It is
It is
peculiar to women, sold
ont for many years.
——— |.
ranules, are
elphin.,
ORTHERN PACIFIC.
LOW PRICE RAILROAD LANDS &
FREE Covernment LANDS.
MILLIONS of ACRES of each in Minnesots NoriR
yakota, Mentans, idaho, Washington and
Maps Temoribi
- razing snd
be {
ber Lands now Open to Setliomn
GONSUI the »
' Petes Bwcoess.
nesne
Dr. LINE'S G
NERVE RE
oll Paasw & NERex INSEAsEs
ee 0, a rw
oH when we Sirecied. No
Trestion and $1 ial bettie free
Fangs au htt whig
- widrens
oes TRADE
I presoribe and fofy ef
dorss Big 43 as the x
* ihe for the cerialo curd
of this disease
G. H.INGRAH AM M,
Amsterdam, XN,
We have sold Big G
many years, and 1
fiiee the best of
D. R. DYCHE &
CN ah,
$1.08. Sod by Druggis's
AFTER LL OTRERS FAL a
+. 08, LOB
TRES TREA' :
$29 K. 15th 8t., sii
20 SEperitngs Ia all =
is
BT
eretions, @o «all or write, Advice fres
oonfidential JO AM. ll 3 P.M, w
evenings. AF” Send I cl. Sano
FRAZ
AXLE GREASE.
Deh cao 5 ¥. 6 Se Lodia. Sold everpenert
" : et T ’ ’ Yip
Sates Dn. I G0CTAF TRAN
OR. J. B.HOBENSAGK,
206 N. SECOND STREET,