HUMOROUS. He map failed for half a million, and his assets wonld not pay two cents on the dollar, He gaye up everything he had to satisfy his creditors, not even reserving the gold watch he had in his pocket, And yet they growled. An old friend called to see him, He met him at the depot with a 85,000 span of horses and conveyed him to a $200,000 resi- dence, where he dined aud wined him like a prince on the finest china and the costliest plate, “Why, Jones,” said his old friend, “I thought you had failed.” “So 1 have—given up everything, absolutely everything, to my creditors, a8 an honest man should,” replied the bankrupt in a tone of self-abnegation. “Why, you appear to be living pretty well,” remarked the old friend. “Ah, my dear sir, how mistaken yon are,” returned the two-cents-on-a-dollar failare. *‘Fiverything that you see is my wife's, absolutely everything, But she 18 too tender-hearted to deprive me of their use on account of my misfor- | tunes, A Caxapiax, meeting in Canada a geutleman from Louisville, kindly ask- ed: ~How is your health, and how did you happen to leave so flourishing a | place as Louisville?” “Well,” said the | exiled Louisvillian, “it was very unfor- tunate, but I blame myself entirely. Instead of getting a city office I went | into business, My necessities compel ing me to steal, I stole. Then I had to | git, If I could have got some place | where I could have stolen from the city I might have been at this at this mo. | ment a4 happy man, at home and fn the bosom of my family. Stranger, if you ever go to the United States, don’t go into business; go into polities!” The Canadian was se touched that he imme- diately loaned the gentleman from Louisville 85 and turned away to con- | ceal his emotion, “Whar is that wooden box for, sir?” # dent of the just organized bank. “That? Oh, that’s for the securities aud money, yon know. We must have some place to keep them,” replied the practical president, “Why certainly; I know that, plied the astonished stockholder, ain't vou going'to have a safe?” **No, there is no nse goin ish expenses,” placidly president, “What, no safe?” “Why, no. When the cashiers go to Canada they always take the combina. | tion with them, and you cannot realize | anything on a se cond-hand safe with busted lock.” ” yo. “but | g into rephied fool- the a Brows —*‘Ah, Smith! How's business?” How are you? Smith (zentiemen’ 8 furnishing go ds desler) — ‘Splendid, old boy! splendid!” *“Brown—*fow's that? Last time I saw you you were terribly down In the | month aud talked of going into bank- | ruptoy.” Smith—*“Yes; but don’t you see, my boy, I've started a lanndry since then, Big thing! Collars don’t last two | weeks, cuffs used up in three ifronings, and shirt bosoms rubbed threadbare in | no time! Great scheme! Don't youn see? Goods go off like hot cakes—al- most impossible to keep up the demand, and the best of it is, you know, that the more laundry work we do ithe more | stuff we sell, and the more stuff we sell | the more money our laundry brings in to ns! Great scheme, my boy! Great | scheme!" Saita— “Beastly headache I got this | morning. Too many brandies and soda last night, I'm afraid.” Brown-—*“Don’t feel up to much my- | self; bad lobster salad for supper and | haven't slept a wink,” | Jones—* “Well, just look at the fright- | fui cold I caught last night.” Brown—* Why, where were you?” “*At the health exhibition.” Smith and Brown (together)—* “Why, | go was 1. ] , “1 nEAR you called oa your girl last pight, Earl,” said a down-town youth | to one of Avondale, ‘Yes, I called,” bilions tone “Have a nice time?” “No “Tha you see her" “Yes, saw her leaving the house with | an other fellow jns¢ as I turned the cor- ner two squares away,” he answered, in a “Dip ¥U read 1a the paper that a col ored woman at N.owport wears 840,000 | worth of dismouds?” asked Gubooly, of sn Avnstio drummer, “Yes, I have read that item, and I would like to know what her name is,” “Want to be introduced to her?” i “No; bat vu see I travel about a | great deal, and [ would like to koow | on what line of railroad her husband is slweping-oar porter, so I conld in- | veigle hit into a little game of poker.” CosvensaTioN between a tenderfoot | Bb the Lone Star state. “I don’t sex how you are abie tcl raise any eat'je in Texas,” “Way fot? ’ “Ou oesount of the Texas fever.” “There is one peculiarity about the Texas feve « that you may not have beard of." “What is that?” “There has never been a case of it in | Toxas,' » Baliva ol “*1 BUPPOSE yOu earn your living by | rome sedentary sosupation,” remarked Justice Tegener, jocose a tramp, | “Ym bit it, judge. Whea Iam not on the road, 1 wske a living sitting on 6 JUry as a professional,” Crunk 'What do you wish, little girl?” fs G.~~""1 want so know how much your best pills are, Your best pills, A LADY bad heen entertaining a friend of ber husband, and the next day her little girl said to her; Mamma, saint wa cannibals?” ‘Ol! course not,” was the reply; “why do you ask?’ ‘‘Be canse | papa say we had Jenkins for dinner yes'cr lay.” Poetry is the utteranes of truth, deop heartfelt trath, Tlie true poet is very near the Oracie; : To enter safely into the married state stand human pature, and, above all, pare them frankly and eandidly. mn —— A Government Shen, could not use my right arm, liniment, without any benefit, I Jacob's Oil for it, and I minutes to use St. not used it more than ten he ever I did, one suffering pain.’ EE —————— A false dial; it appears in clear weather, vanishes as soon as a cloud approach. Os, -— : A Popular Fallacy. Many people think that Rheumatism It is caused by a bad state of the blood which deposits pol titer in the causing lau stifToess and swelling of the joints and excruciating pains Ridney Wort will certainly effect a cure It acts ou the Kidney, Liver and Bow- stimu! gz them to a healthy imnlating act. I nriches the ii BONO mn nencss, els, i urifiesa and « blood poison from the arest druggist, minales (30 t¢ tha BYS- tem, buy A _— We are linked both the future, and our duty to the former, led, will best fit us dis our duty to the iatter, to the past and to Messrs, John- wholesale . Pa., report that gentleman handed with a request to send two army the same gentle- rs TTLES ia time ago a 1 a dollar a catarrh cure to i. Recently m that both of the « fice » wife of a well-known U, 8B. A. i cured by the two n Balm. (Nota 50 els.) n olioers £234 B41 opinion as well say ¢ y : the sun beacause times sacrifice pproaches sublim- what they y for ir what thoy men f promise to . ELINES Great Nerve Restorer vel of the age for nerve diseases sMopped free Send lo WW Arch phia, Fa I $4 + 1 5 allaade] The asbont venetian mama less a man thinks or knows his virtue the beiter wo like p—————— ua Upright Planos ke the organs of the f their kind. The tone atisined in ym mended, — Boston are and purity of them are especially co The Hope of the Nation, Children slow m deve Spm pany, scraway and delicate, use “Wells’ Health Renewer.” So ————— AI AID ———— When angry, speak; if very angry, a handred. - Balm, healing, not by drying up. The appli- cation is essy and agreeable, It is not a hquid or snuff, Price 50 ots, rs sn AIS Indian His ory, The Indian of faleon glance and lion bearing, the theme of the tone! ing ballad, 18 gone; but the Petrolenm line, the Natural Hair Roeetorer, will imi aa—— It is with with flowers as with moral qualities; the bright are sometimes poisonous, Hostetler's Stomach Bitters is & fine blood de. rent, 4 rational cathartic, and a superb anti. tious specific, It rallies the falling energies of the debllitsted, snd checks prematare dec ay. Fever and aoe, bilioas remittent, dyspepsia and howel oompisins are among whe evils whion i entirely removes. In tropical COURIre. where the liver and bowels are organs most unfivoraty affected by the combin nfinencs of Rata mate, tet ant water, ItI4 & very necessary safeguard, For sale by all "Droge: Wie sod Dealers general, "St. Bernard VEGETABLE PILLS” hE OE | ¥T. BERNARD VEOETABLE PILL MAKERS, § © Merear Street, Now York 1 i i : ! i | | Beware of Scrofula Scrofula Is probably more general than any other disease, It is Insidious in character, and manifests itself in running sores, pustular eruptions, bolls, swellings, enlarged joints, abscesses, sore eyes, ete, Hood's Barsaparilla expels all trace of scrofula from the blood, leaving it pure, enriched, and healthy. “1 was severely afflicted with serofula, and for over a year had two running sores ‘on my neck. Took five bottles of Hood's Sarsaparilla, and consider myself cured.” C. B. Lovisoy, Lowell, Mass, C. A, Arnold, Arnold, Me., had » sores for seven years, spring and fall, Sarsaparilia cured him, Salt Rheum um Spies, Elyria, O,, suffered greatly sipelas and salt rheum, caused by At times his hands would erack open and bleed. Ile tried various prep- arations without aid ; finally took Hood's 8: - saparilla, and now says: *' Iam entirely well. “My son had salt rheum on his bands and He took Hood's J. B. ofulous Hood's Willi: from ery handling tobacco, on the calves of his legs. arsaparilia and is entirely cured.” Braxrtoux, Mt Vernon, Hood’s Sarsaparilla y glx for &7 Sold by all druggl Bix § $1; OD & CO. Lov Mass. 84 Ohilo, ie only by C. L 1 I00 Doses One Dollar. Wilcox r Wormy Voing of the 1 : # use 8 Lost Manhood, Dability, § 1 prvinies wre t ° Elagtic y LCradie~ 36. fs lone fifling, Leen Wo Tlies 0 oh. Hew Gilbort Mfg Co. DRESS LININCS. BW FABRIC MAK ERS LIKE a | ? 3 will a sot | is to ive Le fs zk HANTS AND DRESS » ® great strengii Tay siso t MER their & shivu 1 Ade Twills, o wills, Is npr: sved Royal Twills, able T rills, Bat n Maerveilloux Twilly, Gros Grain Twills, wtin Clossique Twills ge Kk Bas bee ined beosgse A rir wales “ & baa bees us BL ACK PRINCE TWILLS, st PER BF Oa it rs Fusrant ss be fast Linck and * ALIENS will wot Ange, neil ¥ g LAGHTEST LEG) oa yard £3 4 3 foal gods are am uiistion M i selvage none of hers P. DORMAN, Presi ent. WE W ANT 1000 BOOK AGENTS hook THIRIY .- THREE YEANS AMONG OUR WILD INDIANS By Gen. 1 . tinls on 0. fastest LE 5, O00 » Haake 31 fhe wn, Hows A w. WOKIMINGEU nN & Fir ~T a Ex 4 Marterd, Conn, Hovsenonnp Acosonts, — There ure | should keep an account book. 15 the i first place it would furnish interesting | thant a | How | many know anything defimte about Again, such a record | We know of a lady | who went so far as to keep an acsouunt | of the extra meals she furnished in a A house | facts. As a matter of family history, a record should be kept—ol course, the in the family Bible, bnt there are other things that transpire in « family worthy of note, Suawn Bags, — A bag is a eapital thing to save a shawl from dust of a journey be used for holding toilet articles, ete, The best material for making a shawl bag i Cut two round end eight inches in diameter, and =» piece twenty inches wide by twenty five inches long, Btiteh close together, leaving the straight seam open nearly all the way across, and bind its edges ind the edges of the end pieces with worsted braid, sewed on with the ma. chine, Close the opening with threo buttons and button-holes, Stitch of braid on a band of the water- proof two wide and fasten on ruily for } The outside pocket can be made of any size, or left off, but is very convenient for papers. A per while hing will wish to ithout one of the shawl bags finding out how useful they a————————— ca Poopixa, pint of cold milk then put in a ga ren , two o drog # Of can eces, # pu O48 inches £ id isndles, ie never son travel bo w alter are Soak two ounoees tiie BOG Tari of oo pie 8 iL One ght before using; all wit! of moist ik 10CHH CEB 1 the fire and let boil Omes qu twenty ’ a yolk of two © siti] the 4 5 Oe i nual Lhe Ho $0 ile T i about a wire basket, such as hs will de wel shell, and immerse Get i } Very ia the vessel of boiling water, which 2 completely cover the 3 VELETR ATE They wiere # Vo mins! there almont opened into 7, sh pepper asd may sdd bro ken crackers if you I'he oysters should ; i } Al O08, A Bargain in Corner Lots 100 STYLES ORGANS “i 8000, LL GREAT WORLD hS Pe ’ R SE ENTEEN YEA rded uch atl an HOKNO! 1¢ fre y American (rgansg Aw § For Cash, Easy Payments or Hented, UPRIGHT PIANOS IFLLENCE TREY AT at a Wo all previous meter valge Lian any; saour ref Wo oid totes and in creased iy AY avoid ne Ualnlity © get oul of x strated Catalownes ros. ASN A WANE OHG PIARO 0 48 E. 4th SL a, 154 Tremont 88 : N, York, Chl was 3 149 Washash Ave The new standing strie. MURILLO, Se faa 8 amo, round fold that eaaaot frar Heveral walwm of Fine Muslin, starchel to ad RIC, soth sides and ent ial wdine and cuffs with BO WTONE Side, Double aes vias perfectly. No rotehalges Forth g trial, Tan for © ote, a8 stores Two wold Medals and Urnee Seda awarded of MM CM A Fair. Beton, 188. Collar and par cuffs, auy elas, © try. postpaid { FRR ata rabeia and eroqlare frog Mantion this pseu, Reversh | bie Colinr Co. Factors, Oambridea Mase tare form the FAR 1s is poised on GENTS WANT FD for the Lest and Po sail ing Pictorial Hex ku asd Bitdos Prices redosd 11 sat. NATIONAL ro BLIsmING OX + FPhilada., ~ | AGEN TS w ANTE n for the LIVES of ¥ [ 4 ar ao Shute 20 3 y en oo ivi iw fore. 0 per crab 30 Apenia Outs Fre for Extra jermma, oir, io WARTIOKD PUNLISHING Cs Hartford. Conn ie w” In every town can oblaln an Ulsstrated Wi page Story Book as a I-MAS PRESENT FREE Band 2 ten cont stamps athe Publishers of the beet of all the BOYS & GIRLY Magazines, WIDE AWAKE, and got erections AT ONCE Adder, , LOTHROP & CO, 32 Franklin. Bosros, Maes. R. U. AWARE Lorillard’s "Climas Plug bearing a red tin tag; that tag: that Lorillard’ 'y Rose [enf fine eit ; that Lotiliard's Navy Clippings, and that Loriiiasd's Seaffs, are sality considered ¥ Tur Wesr Orrens Tew Chavces ron ay where the East offers one. Mape. pamphlets, etc, give ing full information about these opportunities; about Lands, Farming, Stock raising, Mining, Pruit-growiag, Manufacturing, ete, in Kansas, Colorado, New Men to, Arizona, California and Old Mexico, SENT FREE on application to OC. B. SCHMIDT, Comsiissioner of Imemigration, A. T. & 8 F. R. K, Topeka, Kansas. X pana Shee Wat ; Spinal ureing Goreets’ 82 an " dativared fre free whens in U.B Coin E35 way, NewYork. OW Ri Hef fur KIDOER'S PASTILLES, Fricrancm v1 wits I S 0: RAXS for a Lite fctaiarsiipin the oe a [0 pla oo Bask ves, a. Agency, Palio , New Yok Basiness College, Ehus os want vico Niet ro ASTHMA, ware, New a Positions nt RIQOLE] sup p i Discover by you. nsump! urself unable mar mE will tue of the best ¢ bul far rifies and enn #yslem, whaed time © it is not anitest fot blood, ten 4 Vir of 3m Seana Re strengthens the biotohes, i erupiions iy druggisis, c——————— RY The life of man consists not in seelug visions and in dreaming dreams, but in “Work, Work, Work!" How many women there are working to. in various branches of industry-—to say nothing of the thousands of patient bousewives whose lives are an unceasing round of who are martyrs to those com plains which the weaker sex is lia- rendered do bly hard es and ives shortened, yet ity ¢o pets them to keep on s Dr. Pleree’s “Favorite Prescrip- offers a sare means of relief. For all is a cartain cure. All tnd to Are 3 as kx and irkson helr If thon desirest to be held wise, be sc ——— : and middle-aged men suffering | from nervous debility, premature old age memory, and kindred symptoms, send three letter stamps for large | { treatise Suggesting sure World's Dispensary Bafialo, N. Y. a WY When our histred is too keen it pla- | Young tell ei sh te Medical Association, ! y= Kxxr Tris IN Mixp, In diamond | more coloring 1s given than io | any known dyes, and they give faster 10e, at all Wells, Richardson & Co,, Sample Card 32 colors, Ba If the end and aim of life is to please, it must be at the expense of truth, sti— Catarrh of the Biadder, tinging, irritation, inflammstion, all K» Aaney and Urinary Complainia,cured by “Buchu-Faiva™ $i. AAI To see the hand of God in the Foe eat, and to trus. it in the future, is the secret of peace, FOR DYSPEPELA, INDIGRSTION, of epir. fis and general debility. in their various forme; aiso #4 a preventive against fever and agoe and other intermittent Jevais, the “PFerro-Phosphorated. Blixirof Ca apa: ade by Caswell, Hazard & Oo, New York, sold by all Drage is the bes tomes snd or patients recovering from fever or Lh mn A AIO The capacity for truly er things is the beginning of ag Tan KRSTORATION to health of our child we cormdered uncertain, When two weeks old she caught cold. For 18 months was not able to breathe through her nostrils. Upon using Eiy's Oream Balm her difficulty w removed; she breathes naturally; Mn & Mas, J. MM. Exe, Owego, N. X. [Price 50 cents, | Persons and events may stand for a time between you snd justioe—it is ouly a postponement. a srsagtaen Luly Fase pan anon the best ah ods sd En Au able man shows bis spirit © tle words sad Ney alsin: 1 go neither hot nor timid, SR I Loss and Gain, CHAPTER 1. “1 was taken slick With bil i Your go ous fever ‘ 1 ’ ure i cu i, ’ pains in back “My doctor I got wick again, anid sides, and 1 got so bad | Could not move | I shrunk ! From 228 lim ing for my Liver, but it did expect to live months, | began to u rectly my appetite ret me, my entire system an if by magie, and after using several bottles, I ain not only as sound as 4 sovereign, but weigh more than [ did before. To Hop Bitters | owemy life,” BR. FITZPATRICK, Dull pronotneed with terri: fae I had been doctor i4 me no gomd i more than Hop Bitters, my . » : Teneswed to 1201 not Di left sd, praies aarnedd n, June 6, "81, CHAPTER 11. Muss: Feb, 1, 1960 f mick Gentiemen Headn he " “Malden, Ks oO uraigia, fe: the most terril Ko mediciue or do ¥ until I used sities Nt nale trouble, for years and excruciating wm tor conld give mi Hop ie {cure * first b Hale’s Honey EXorchound and Tar fart, where failed rend fa t rest, ob Pike's Toothnehe asa ¢ re in ene min oie, relma Tr TY yar x "i i105 EA EAB EP EEE EE EE EEE SAYERS ee «+ + LYDIA E. PINKHAM'S . . VEGETABLE COMPOUND | Complaints "en een All those * and Weak: 800 lo our best 2** FEMALE FOPULATION = » Fries n in yg, ill or Soangut rm, ¢ hewd painfal ERROR BO € ne he FER E ee ’ cee sn Enlr Tesswer, Voice Troe siparos a I -t # real 2 Board Gr Les als . 8" - - Panty amt Tver RUP TUR J 4 Fast Potato Digging THE MORARCH PUTITO DIGGER soot Foariy, FIVE VINES Ek 10 every farmer, Guar antood whig? x Hanared usbitls a Day! Er Write post that cont us $2000 to publish, BADWAY’S READY ® ® es RELIEF CURES AND PREVENTS Colds, sore Throat, Lumbago, Plesrisy, Coughs, FPoneumonia, Inflammations, Rheumatism, Neuralgia, Headache, Toothache, Asthma, Dime ult Breathing. 41) RE in these Lehn EiiIES 1 paris “@ as 1, ang ye ppiied freely « ng wen found { f 58 gq In severe Headway” 5 ae addy He Hef is a Cure for every Pain, spraios, sry « Fulus In thse Mack, Chest or § fan os, it was Lhe first ani is the only Palo Remedy ts por bottle, DR. RADWA' sarsapariliian § Resois The Creat B it ood Purif SCRO} DR. RADWAY'S REGU L ATING PIL} ¢ Voge ¢ Price, 20 cen READ nd a WTeT SLED 1 og