cone
THE DUDE.
‘Who strolls the Ave each afternoon ;
Wha whistles airs all out of tune,
And dons short conts cut too * spon ?”
The Dude.
Observe his form. You can, for he
Wears pants as tight astight ean hig
(And pants for notoriety},
The Dude.
‘Who's stiff as statue cut in wood ;
Can't bend, and wouldn't if he ¢ would ;
A sort of nothing ‘twixt the bad and good ?
The Dude.
Who wears his hair all nice and banged ;
And says, * By Jove, that Mrs. Langt-
Ry's chuwming quite, or ['tl be hanged 7;
The Dude.
Who drives a tandem through the park :
Says, '* Life's, aw, such a jolly lark.”
(Perhaps the Dude's the long sought
* Shark’)?
The Dude.
Who goes to all receptions, teas |
Who smirks a smile at friends he sees ;
And, for his health, sips sanagrees ?
The Dude.
Who dresses in the latest ny le ;
Declares, * The weathah's thimply vil
And lisps some dainty swear the Ze
The Dude.
Who's neither fool, nor knave, nor sage;
This funny speck on nature's page —
Conundrum of the modern age?
The Dude.
|
Whe, then, ean work the puzzle through
Tell what it's for— what it can do
Guess what itis: 1'll giveit you
The Dude.
i is
Ethel’'s Error.
ne—
It was a dull, gray, dewy September
eve as the emigrant train stopped at
the little hamlet of Chicamauga, in the
state of Susquehanna. From it sprang
a young girl, wearily carrying a bundle
on a toothpick across her finely-formed
shoulder. A tear stood in her eye
until jit fell down, as she gazed on the
caboose of the slowly receding train
which had brought her back to the
home she had left two years before,
“1 wonder if Aunt Gruelton will be
glad to have me back," she soliloquized,
as she nearly fell over a barrel of pork
which had been standing at the depot
for a week waiting for the consignee tq
fetch it away.
It is a lovely place, Chicamauga, at
any time, and trains only stop there
once a week as a rule, but the condne-
tor had been so moved by the tears of
Ethel that Le had consented
up and reduce the pace of the train to a
walk to enable her to alight.
Ethel Evingslee was an orphan,
brought up in a small cottage by a
spinster aunt, Miss Tissie Gruelton,
who struggled, out of a small legacy
and the proceeds of a pumpkin patel,
to make a living. Two years before
Ethel had left her for the west, to
study law in the great city of Berkeley,
and try and earn a fortune in the supe-
rior courts of California, like Laura
Debussy and several other
strong-minded things,
But Ethel was neither bony
strong-minded. Her figure
have been modeled by Phidias, but it
wasn’t, for several reasons. Her vel-
vety eyelashes drooped all over a cheek,
the bloom on which was like that of
the vielet after it has been kissed by
the sun-god arising from his salt-water
bath at 4.55 A. M. on June 21 (vide al-
ImAnACc),
Her golden hair needed
switch to add to its glory.
an aurora borealis lit up by the rays of
a thoulland moons at their perigee, so
to speak.
Her teeth were perfect, except three
that had been filled, and: one that
going ; and her rosy lips would have
made Venus weep for envy and leave
heaven to conde to earth aud buy a
bottle of carmine.
Such was Ethel Evingslee as she
tripped daintily over the alkali prairie
to Aunt Gruelton’s cottage. She could
not miss the road, for every rut was
fahailiar to her, and Aunt Tissie’'s cot-
tage was but fourteen miles from the
depot.
As the lovely old home of her child-
hood loomed up with the nine hundred
and ninety-nine memories of the past,
Ethel’'s eyes filled with pearly tears.
Yes, there were the nodding potatoes
waving in their hills, the stately
squashes lying lazily near their vines,
and the tall apple trees laden with ruby
and aureate fruit, and in the middle of
all the darling old two-roomed farm-
house, where she had spent so many
happy hours,
Aunt Tissie heard the gate open, and
#0 did Bobbie, the watch-dog, erst once
and formerly, a lopg time ago, a flerce
mastiff, but now crippled with rheuma-
tism and that dread disease, the mange.
As his only remaining eye fell on the
form of Ethel, old Bobbie gave a cry of
delight, and limped slowly to her with
his affectionate tongue hanging out on
the left side of his massive jaw,
“Bobbie | Bobbie | Bobhie | Bobbie 1"?
cried Ethel, as regardless of her new
polonaise, she knelt on.the ground and
pressed the almost hairless canine to
her bosom, overcome with his deveti on.
“But, Bobbie, I must hurry on and
see Aunt Tissie,” cried Ethel, and in
another moment she was in the arms of
Yer only relative, rapturously kissing
to slow
bony,
nor
might
no jute
it was like
was
oozed from the lachrymal glands of that
dearest of souls, Miss Tissie Gruelton,
0g SA ST SHAR
“Oh, auntie,’ eried Ethel, “it's like
heaven to see you again and look at
dear old Bobbie, too. He has actoally
ing it to me as a sign of welcome.”
“Ethel,* said Aunt Gruelton between
her sobs of joy, “I think
aanst have sent you back to me, I am
stricken with lumbago and havea touch
of pleuro-pneumonia.
move from the house and there is neither
iny nor canned green turtle, and not
even a bit of wood to light the stove,
Besides this, there is a large mortgage
on the property, and I have not a cent in
the house with which to buy oleomar-
garine,”’
“Never mind, auntie,
side up, bet ver boots, as they say at
Berkeley. I've come home to run a
model farm, you can wage your sweet
life, and I've got three cans of oysters in
my bundle, and a lot of pears, and we'll
have a banquet in three minutes by my
patent stem-winder.**
we're right
It was a scene never to be forgotten to
see Ethel take off ber things, collect
old fence rails, split them, light
the fire, and run out with her merry
laugh to watch the blue smoke ascend-
some
ing like a liberated Peri to the gates of
paradise,
Oh, if you could have seen that couple
an hour later, after Ethel had washed
up. There she sat, with her dainty
dimpled around Aunt Tissie’s
and a large smudge of pot-black,
which almost seemed to kiss her pretty
telling her story.
Arms
neck,
nose, Aunt Tissie
**I can never be a lawyer, auntie, 1
did not pass a single examination, and
hate Blackstone, but must let me
mustang liniment on your
back and eure your lumbago, and then
I'l} fix you a regular snifter out of some
you
rub some
old rye which I've got in my bundle—a
dream
Bitter Creek.”
“My own dear darling.
Aunt Tissie,
“And I'll be
Ethel, a dre
marble brow
you're a bad old darling from
murmured
up at daylight,” said
amy smile floating over her
“and get in the pumpkins
apples and take em to
and we'll be all hunkey, auntie,
should blush to simper, Aunt
and a load of
market,
Why, I
Tissie, Now go to bed and say
toddy, throw it
and before you'reawake I'll have
the pumpkin patch clear. Kiss Effie,
That's the racket.”
and the affectionate girl turned off the
gas and left her aunt to slumber,
It was hardly dawn when Ethel trip
ped into the pumpkin pateh, and,
fore Aunt Tissie had slept off the effects
of her composing draught, Ethel had
cleared half an acre and got two wagon
loads of pumpkins ready for the market,
“I guess I'll get outside o' suthin’,”
she said to herself. ** This pumpkin
pilin’ ain't ne slouch of a job. Wish |
had a lime, though, However, its just
a healthy straight.”
So saying the fairy Ethel, glowing
with juddy health, her gorgeous hair
only half hidden by a green sun-bonnet,
and her dimpled, round arms bare to the
elbow, tripped into the house, looking
Fke some sweet angel just dropped out
of paradise to brighten our sad earth,
She came back in a minute or two,
wiping her dainty lips on ber elbow,
Oh,
about
prayers, Here's vour
down.
Now go to sleep,
be -
country fashion, and murmuring :
my that a snorter 7’
to resutne her work, when she was
scious of the presence of a stranger,
} wasn’ was
con
He was leaning over the fence, gazing
silently at her, with a gun over his
shoulder and in one hand a couple of
dead hares,
In person he was tall and erect, !
manly figure set. off by three dian
studs and a velvet coat, A long, silky
moustache fell carelessly on his vest,
which he pulled down from time to Lime,
His hair was as black as the wing of a
raven, His nose was aquiline, and his
eyes large, melting, and #sthetic, His
shapely legs were swathed in silken
shoon, and a large gold watch«chain
that drooped, like the cypress, nearly to
his knee, completed his neglige attire,
* One of old Bolliver’s farm laborers,
I guess,” said Ethel to herself. *‘‘ He's
out early. I wish he'd give me one of
them rabbits, though. Say, boss,’ she
cried, timidly, a blush at her hardihood
suffusing® her check and making her
look like a canned tomato ; * say, boss,
give us a hare, will yer? I'll bet my
pile you're hungry and ain't had no
breakfast, If yer’ll skin it and clean it
I'll cook it right off, and we'll divyy on
the bird. What d’yer soy 7"
In clear, manly tones that rang like a
clarion through the still morning air,
the stranger answered: ‘Certainly,
miss, I shall be only too delighted,” and
springing over the six-foot fence, he was
at her side ina moment,
“You're a bully jumper,” she said
innocently, as he approached her, and
then, as she looked up into his eyes an.
protruded from his azure optics,stie cast
ina low tone: “I am afraid you'll
think me very rude, but I guessed you
were one of old Bolliver’s farm hands,
den me if I was impolite,”
“You guessed right,” he replied, in a
superb baritone voice, ‘I am a farm
invitation to breakfast,
prepare the hare witheut
and
more
*Why ain’t you smart,
said,
Dick ? she
“You rip him up and leave me
and I'll put the water on to boil. Hurry |
up. Dick I” i
As she ran into the house the stran- |
ger, who had pulled out a gold-handled
dagger, deftly prepared the hare, In ten
minutes it was in the pot, and an hour
after the two were sitting on the porch
enjoying a delicious hare stew,
“Sorry I ain't got no jelly, Dick,”
Ethel was saying ; “but if you'll tell
Bolliver I want to borrow one of his
wagons, 80 as I can sell Aunt Tissie's
pumpkins, I'll lay in a lot of groceries
that'll make your mouth water.
Why, there is old Bolliver coming.
Great sakes, ain’t that bully ¥»’
She rose to meet him, and
hearty hand-shake she said :
you dropped over.
after a
“Pesky glad
I got here last night,
and want to borrow one of your wagons
and your man Dick
market,”
“My
Bolliver.,
“Why, Ethel, this is the Hon. Cyril
Waterberry, the banker and member for
Susquehanna,
to make two trips to
man Dick?” said Farmer
who holds
a4 mortgage
over your mother’s farm. Let me intro- |
you—Miss Ethel Elvingslee Mr. |
|
‘3
i
|
duce
Cyril Waterberry,
Ethel's
she pave him
face was
her murmur.
“Jumping Jehosaphat, Great |
crimson
hand and
Now, 48
oy
Mr.
she almost whispered,
“Can vou forgive me, Waterber-
Xy 2”?
“¥ oiglve you,
iY, And in
i his arms,
** he replied, passh
another moment
the first
over his coat from her new
inte i
she was in
ths
4
Liat
weeping
welled up all
tears
found love,
he her to market all t
same, and sold the pumpkins and to-day \
Aunt Tess a deed of gift her
homestead and a cottage on it.
Mr. and Mrs. chiefly
at Washington spending the summer at
and thus the rich you
banker and rising politician found
bride and they both bless the morn, the
morn, that brought t
through Ethel
Francisco Nessa. Letter,
ut drove
sie has to
: i
new
Waterberry reside
ng
his
hem 1o-
bappy
gether, Ss error.— San
--
idle British Youth.
Hundreds and thousands of young
men in this country spend their whole
battle with time, They
have absolutely nothing whatever to do
except to kill it. Beyond the race-
course, the covert and the hunting-field
they have no appreciable interest. The
blackguardism which which was un-
iversal among the golden youth of five-
and-twenty vears ago may be veneered
by social affectations, but the quality the
fibre and the tastes of the race are un-
Our insular brutality has
been crossed by 4 strain of exotic dandy-
ism, and the attractions of two or three
existence in the
changed,
the ratting-ring and the cider cellars.
While, ad is only fair to say, the courage
of our young men remains what it has
been at all stages of our history, they are
as desperately intelligent as ever, Art,
literature and politics are as much
sealed books as ever to the “chappies”
and ““mashers” of the period. The
dullness of metropolitan dissipation is
periodically relieved by rural recreations,
to which a flavor is given by their lulent
or avowed ferocity, Our young barbar-
jans—and, for that matter, our old bar-
barians—must, when they are in the
country, have their appetities whetted
by blood. To kill something during the
day, to crown the exploits of the day
with a dinner substantial enough for
Squire Western, to lounge afterwards on
chairs and sofas in a state of suporifie
stupor—s0 runs the interesting pro-
gramme, The more closely the culture
and civilization of the age are examined
the more apparent will be the busis of
cruelty upon which the whole social
structurerests, The condition of English
schools, public and private, has improved
enormously in the course of the last
fifty years ; but there are no signs what-
ever that the mutual intercourse of
English school-boys is becoming purged
A Chiness) Funeral.
It is the general custom in China,
when a man is about to die, for the
to the floor of the principal room of
the house, where he is laid with his feet
to the door,
The inhabitants of the province of
Fubhkein are in the habit of placing a
small piece of silver in the mouth of the
his fare into the pext world-—and care-
fully stopping up his nose and ears. In
certain cases they make a hole in the
proceeding from his body ; their belief
being that each person a seven
animal senses, which die with him ; and
three of which enters
Elysium and receives judgment ; another
resides with the tablet which 1s prepared
to commemorate the deceased ; and the
third dwells in his tomb,
The intelligence of the death of the
head of a family is communicated as
speedily as possible to all his relatives,
and the household is dressed in white—
the mourning color of China,
s0uls-—one
Priests
and women hired to mourn are sent for
at the same time ; and on their arrival
& table is set out with meats, fruits,
lighted candles and joss-sticks, for the
delectation of the souls of the deceased :
and the walling of the
and weeping
Or
of
who have also been called
the The
priest
the discordant
Hiusic
to
“tom-tomming*’
siansg"’
assist in ceremonies,
and dolefulness which, if genuine,
be highly commendable : but
barbarians” of extensive
acquaintance with the assert
that this apparently overwhelming grief
least In the
ungenerous tt
Chinese
is, at majority of cases,
ta al
'% the nearest relatives of
the deceased, it would be uncharitable
beneath ail this
but
the
OCCHREIONS,
and wailing; hired
usually most
nsirative on these
{ hardly be expected to
day into convulsive lamentations
of & genuine nature over the death of
duals thay bardly know hy
Ast is,
emotional demonstrations much in the
can
launch every
nae,
the priest usually directs {1 ese
way as a conductor controls the
of a band of musicians ;
now there are a few irregular wails,
then a burst of them, relieved in tum
by a few nasal notes from the priest,
the being filled by the
intervals up
from the latest comers,
Nobody in course of transportation
from one part of China to another for
the purpose of interment is allowed to
through any walled town. No
corpse, either, is ever allowed to be
carried across a landing-place or to pass
through a gateway which can in any
way be construed as pertaining to the
Emperor. The Chinese are, indeed, so
snperstitions in regard to death, as sel.
dom to mention that word itself, pre-
ferring to take refuge in a ecircumiocu-
tion—such, for instance, “having
become immortal ”’
After the body of the
it is dressed in the best clothes
which belonged to the man
a
as
deceased
is
washed,
life
hat being placed on his head,
im his
“
fan in his hand, and shoes on his feet,
the idea being that will be clothed
in these habiliments in als
consequently that he must appear therd
as a respectable and superior member
of society,
At intervals during these and subse.
quent ceremonies, gilt and silvered
paper in the shape of coins and sycee
bars is burned, in the belief that it will
also pass into the invisible world, where
it will be recoined into solid cash ; and
clothes, sedan-chairs, furniture, buffa.
loses and horses made of paper are
transferred on the same principle to the
“better land’ for the benefit of the
dead.
Among the poor the bodies are put in
the cemeteries, but it is the practice
with the richer Chinese to keep the cof-
fined bodies of their relatives in their
houses for long periods——-sometimes for
ears,
he
Elvsiaom,
lai dbo Ne mat
Cems,
The lives of great men all remind us
that the best of them can do foolish
things.
I have lived to know that the secret
¢f happiness is never to allow your én-
of its inveterate taint of savagery. Our
sons are still brought up to believe that
there can be nothing free or manly in a
system which does not sceord the pri -
ilege to inflict a maximum of mutual dis. i
comfort and misery, We are tod this
const lites an essential part of a genu-
inely Englich training, and perhaps that
may be the ease. AL any rate i 18 not
tobe wondered at if the boys whostart life
with these ideas develop into the men to
whom there can be no perfect enjoyment
without the consciousness of “killing
something,” and if after a time the
mere enjoyment of killing issubordinated
to the legitimate pleasure of sport.
ergies to stagnate,
When you travel from vice to virtue
| you ride on a corduroy road and get
many a butop 3; but when you go frem
virtue to vice it Is just as easy as to
slice down hill,
ed is a great safeguard through life, as
well as essential to the culture of every
virtue, i
PorLrrexyss, —The fountain of true
politeness is a good and nerds
heart. It consists less in
ners-than in the spirit that developed
on conductinn the true intercourse of
iclety. ;
A Man's Age,
a
Few wen die of age. Almost all die
of dissappointment, passion, mental or
bodily toll, or accident, The passions
kill men sometimes very suddenly,
The common expression, choked with
| passion, has little exaggeration in it, for
i
often die young:
The latter
former do not,
80 it is with the mind and temper.
strong are apt to break, or, like the can-
dle, to turn the weak to burn out.
inferior animals, which live, in general,
regular and temperate lives, mostly live
their prescribed term of years.
lives twenty-five years ;
fifteen or twenty ;
horse the ox
the lion twenty ; the
dog ten or twelve : the rabbit eight ; the
guinea-pig, or seven vears,
the time the animal takes to its full size.
But man, of all the anfoals, is the one
that seldom comes up to the average.
He ought to live a hundred years ac-
cording to this physiological law, for
five times twenty are one
on an
ing pe
the rabbit
ard of measurément,
obvious—man 8 not
and most intemperate
laborious and hardworked of all ani-
He is the most irritable of all
and there is reason to believe,
we cannot tell what animals |
that mere than any other
wrath to keep |
consumes himself
reflec
average, four times his
fod; the cat six times;
even’ eight times th
The
only
BTOW-
and
tan 1-
reason
the mos
Lie
is
but
is
irieg ular
mals,
“la
animals
though
SEC red ly feel,
animal, manu cherishes
warm, and
the fire of his
it
with
tions,
own secret
A Magnificent Brigade.
The Metropoiitan F of
controls 124 sta
tions, four floating stations, three Jarge
thi bysaight
seventy-
ehgines,
ire Brigade,
fire-escape
Lond Hi,
land eam nre engines,
small
aight
land steam fire engines,
#ix-inch mapual fire
i
i
i
{
{
wy
preserve both it apd the nick as survie
vals, The stove-pipe hat, too, isonly the
the carcass on which our ancestors were
wont to display ribbons and knots and
other gauds, In itself it is both ugly
and uncomfortable, Then we wear
ahsurb neckties that do not tie, and
pins that do not pin.
A—
Field Mice in France.
Darwin's familiar paradox, that the
fertilization pf certain flowers may de-
neighborhood, has an iHustration,
Mall Gagette,
FAYS
now in France,
Any
rural
knows the
well must be
observer who
districts
juite the appearance of a network of
little burrows, where it wonld be im-
of
flowers to find a secure spot for its nest,
the fertilization Mr. Darwirds
has just been calculated by a,special
thirt under six-inch manual
144 fire-sscapes and long
ladders, three floating steam fire
8, two steam tugs, four barges,
fourteen vans,
thirteen wagons for street stations, two
troll two ladder trucks, forty-nine
telegraph sevenieen telephone
eleven fire-alarm circuits, with
seventy-seven call points ; 576 firemen,
neluding chief second officer,
superintendents, ranks. The
V-seVEn
lire engines,
scaling
engine
fifty-two hose carts,
LL
lines,
lines,
officer,
and all
id 161 were mere *‘chim-
One hundred and sixty-
in serious damage,
and 1762 in slight damage. The num-
of persons seriously endangered
re during 1882 was 175 ; of these
jalse alarms, ar
es alarms,’
four fires
Ful resulted
twenty-two of whom were taken out
but died afterward, and fourteen
suffocated or burned to death.
During the vear there were 121 injuries
of which many were setious
three were fatal,
alive,
were
nremen,
and
-—tp
Absurdities of Men's Dréass,
not economical, nas-
they aot baggy at the knee long
before they are worn oul, and they are
getting dirty at
Fare not specially adapted for cold
wel, On a wet day it is the part
from the knee downward that catches
Trousers are
jiieh as
always the ankles
11 Hey
Of
{ of the whole garment. Indeed, it
the way in which they ighore the knée-
joint which renders trouse1s so practi-
cally objectionable. It is at this joint
that they not only spoil their own shape
but inflict a sense of tightness over the
whole body by means of braces,
Why are buttons placed on the back
of a coat ? Mr. Goteh remarks that
the waist.” Dut why should the waist
be marked ? As a matter of fact, the
only reason for the existence of these
two buttons is they are a survival of
the time when they were of use, when
men buttoned back the long flaps of
their coats in order to walk more freely,
or found them useful in sustaining the
sword belt. We have no flaps now | we
wear no swords now ; then why keep
the two buttons ? Another rudimentary
article may be Yound at the end of the
sleeve, There is a cuff, marked
generally by. a double row of stitchies,
‘which perform no useful service unless’
it be to remind us that our grandi
had facing on their sleeves, amd ’
the little lutions which still Appear at
the end were of real use when the
sleeves were tight uf the wrist, An-
other inevitable feature of the coat is
the collar, In old times this collar was
of some service 7 it was large an ‘turn.
ed up well in inclement weather ; iin
order to admit of it buttoning
around the neck a nick Was necessary.
But though we hardly ‘ever think of
turning up an ordinary coat edllar, and
find it of little use if we do, we still
farmers no less than thirteen
million francs. The elimate seems to .
Le especially favorable to these creas
tures, and the population being sparse,
: but
illed first ;
These heaps
and securely packed znd cov-
beetroots, turnips and earrots, This
plan is said to be succeeding well, and
without harm to the hares and rabbits,
I ——
Knowledge in a Nutshell.
A cubit is two feet,
A pace is three feet,
A fathom is Lig feat
A palm is three inches
A league is three miles,
A span ig ¥0§ inches,
There are 2750 languages.
A great cubil is eleven feet.
Two persons die every second.
Bran, twenty pounds per bushel.
Sound moves 743 miles per hour,
A square mile contains 640 acres.
A barrél of jee weighs 600 pounds.
A barrel of pork weighs 200 pounds.
A barrel of flour weighs 196 pounds,
An acre contains 4840 square yards,
Oats, thirty-tLree pounds per bushel,
A hand (horse measure)is 4 inches,
A rifle ball mives 1000 miles per hour
Slow rivers flow five miles per hour
A firkin of butter weighs 56 pounds,
A storm blows thirty-six miles per
hour,
A rapid river flows seven miles per
hour.
Buckwheat,
bushel.
Electricity moves 228.000 miles per
hour,
A hurricane moves eighty miles per
hour.
The first lucifer mateh was made in
1829,
fifty-two pounds pex
Coarse salt,
bushel,
A tub of
pounds,
The average h
years,
Timothy seed, forty-five pounds per
bushel.
The first stearm-boat plied the Hudson
in 1805,
The first horse railroad was built in
1826-27
A Cool
eighty-five pounds per
water weighs eighty-four
uman life is thirty-one
and a Cool
en.
Tram
Maid
A well-known’ printer's family met
with a singular experience on Monday.
The danghter answered a knock at the
door. An old tramp asked for ** a bite,”
| She didn’t hike his looks and told him so.
parance a neighbor's daughter came in
and told the printer's daughter that the
latter's clothes (an entire washing) had
just been stolen by the man she Lad
f turned ‘from the door; that he had
taken them all down and done them up.
in a bundle before asking for the bite
and lngged them off at his leisure, The
two' young Indies started in pursuit. As
the Southport depot they learned thas
the bundie and the man went down the
yafiroad. They followed and soon over
took him. “We wint those clothes
you stole from ns!” said the printer's
daughter. “Hm! Well, I don’t know
that you can have ‘em, *. aid be, eoolly
turning over thé bundle, “There's a
shirt or wmapper missing,” said she,
have you done with It * Got iton I"
i “Well, off with
pall ‘The maiden paused. in a ——
diesment. A gentleman friend
on Aged het “hith, {sling _—
ear the anise works and got the shat,