4
o
jePlKE, Editor and Publisher.
HK IS A FBEEMAS WHOM THE TRUTH MAKES FKKE, A5D AI-L ARE SLAVES BESIDE."
Terms, S2 per year. In advance.
E13ENSBURG, PA., FRIDAY. AUGUST 4, 1S76.
NUMBEK 28.
If
Sake way
1VK THE
U Cash Store
KKiKNTLY ol'KXED BY
it I!
m ElIi EMiiri, Pa.
AM TO WHICH
rybndy is Rushing
in grr.sT of
I --IS OFFERED 'l THE FOLLOWING
31 of CASH PRICES,
n . r '.iu :!! thi community :
Yi. $ cents per yard.
. . i
.!ir fn"" l- j reins per yarn.
l, 'n"jl "in" at 1- cents per yard.
. i ill wooll at. 50 ecu's.
I .iitiin-'-s :i II v.im1)SKc. tol.12.
n-shirt in ft. l ' cts. tifi- vard.
I j ""'.' ''""'' $:..
. and . per barrel.
Km ''' "s- u,r
' O'll'ff :i' '-- cents 1t jiound.
xc yitrni' at w. w i per ganou.
isii rvK!tiiiiN; EI..SK
IT.KiiS Ki TALLY CHEAP.
'. i i.::i. 'i,tv nr err, ri.ip.net an. I Ca
. ,. 'i iv rr-- in' ml wim.i jinij niU fr'I v
..."ii. it' UiMhi.i exchanged
!. i i; ; ! i :. ! ' X ! I- K, .1 ON KS tt CO.
ire. '- !:!. t.
ALL-WOOL
FLANNELS,
VAU.NS, Jit?.
'..k .l- i-ir" In .inrmuneinz to the jmMIe
: Wnol.KN Mil.!., recently owned
I '..'I In x Son. and lately txHiif lit
- .'-n lli'T'iiiluv relit tcl tlirmivrtiout by
Mm AM! STEAM rOWEU,
;.irt:f- ur i.ii Mint;. We have spared
-:-i-!. . :; ,ij. ..n- wih 111" bc? f u;i-
::' -4ii i ..j i:.ii-nr y r'-i-ni'il'ii ii'l mir 4 'it--
f "' I-'. " tir., a tii-inif fqual
. : l'i..-!i ; i:iih !.r. ;izlit trnlil tlio lji.it-
ur'.-i'l- arc uniiraiitccl
" 'Onl.. (!n i No Sko-Hy or Cotton
"i "'"!;. 'ir jirirc are
IVr C'iil. Lower
ISTOM WORK
'ill tin- tWf
'k -ir im r-ii in- r Kb ii-liur ?i.
i' ! .' ii":i n'li'l to n- fr uamiifeg
T .!.! ill .,11;- Vlll
TERMS-CASK.
Belmont Hotel,
'VZ Ht AND OK EH ON STS.
M" ! f.i n, t,.(1mRliil Hxpo.-itlon.
"-';. . unit (;,n-Htr. Terms.
SICTLY FIRST CLASS.
iii'i i;iiii on itiiito. etc.
n
"' ii"r frnt-nninl (rnnnti.
j n - ;" ' " ;i l '""I rc,m!m.'til.le bullil
' 'I I'.v llaltliii.,r.-ani. Til"
'"' "I 'iVi-eii-rn renimlv!
... :r. ,., t.J,M.,..lilv imHcitd.
. ' H I', a V. IV SVKVKXS,
"nwT'miil I'mprictors.
'r';,IT ar.r NINTH' Streets,
' V- "I ' -' 'in-"ritir-fi an car linr
:.:,., ' ' ii -'i i.i;.nl Irntn tlic I cnn-n-
, l.M.,.ri";r..f IIicHkmst Ifr.r.
-V i ' ':" yar. nl rrnnt
an,i , 1 ii ! i'r a tTtn of
" n,.v luriiiKhwl and flttPl it
v ur ,a ,:rcty tirri,.rIIM
1 r'l'rTiTn,l,'Ma'i,,n f"r '1"0 ne'n'-
r,','",7'1.r'" , " '"tliellKsaTlIoraB,
j J'i" ' lire I'tllionv.
J'M-.li 7rj:, Lorktto. Pa
1-.- . I". ' ''''-"l 1
'i .in
. 1 r i ,
i;::i:iht v:
:iiri
,.i 'r'r i'-iir..iin. Thelion-
, ' ; i" luruvrnipnii',.ani)
- ,,'"v an well Hii abuu-
B '7''"' ' "omiiifxUtion ami huiiiki--!,..
' ' "'! 1:1 ""'tin- bi.ue with tlicir
"j il i ;. r wc.-k. Pirnf ;tve
' M i., -.J.W)KREK.
,r- "l.K"'AI.V HOI'S E,"
'""'"'' 1'iUsbitryh St.,
wCREENSBURC pA
' t.,"n.1 r"n!" ' entrnco
. ",rI ii'ium.
John I'oimkk,
& n
Surjerinf.PnrlMitQ
Cr,fria Bank Building,
IJI ' llll
1 11 'I'SUUIUMI. im ti. -i
IWu " --
?::v'i?u:u-v- in the- di.
'"'immi.' . ' . ,a(r".' uirtiPi l flin-r""-
' .i-ii s. '" "OMfltOHlltiusl-
IVT'
foyd
aw ir a d vkrtiskmknts.
r AGENTS WANTED fOR THE GREAT
VEHTEHHIAL HISTORY
Tt svlln faster than any other book over pul.linlitxl.
, ne Ajrent ol.l 61 ciiiie9 in oneilay. Pond for our
: extra trrnio to Airents. National Pablighinir Co..
l'liila(lcl(ihla. I'tt.
ii)layatliome. Agents wanted. Outfit and
V 1 - termg free. Tl!l'E Qi )., Augusta, Aluiue.
AVESTET1X LA N D S
HOMESTEADS,
If yon want'rellable InTortnat Ion. where and how
to ,ret arheap K VItM. or gove rnment llotuf.
tn1. frrt, send yonr addreis to S. J. Oilmori!
Iar.d Coinmislon'r. ITwrenee. Kan., and reeeive
Vt iUin a copy of The Kama TariHe HomeMea.l.
A ton ii of tint oft- hnlf li rrin arked linw It
In- Hcetnnd to ie ntwav? well. -J am not par
tiohlur In ny nieiilx; eat wh it 1 like; and when
ever 1 Tc-el under the weather 1 resort to my
Tiirrnnt9 Pettzer 'Aperient,
irhieh I keep nlways in the house." Wise mnn,
and ecuamnii'Hl ns well. He iloes not resort to vi
olent mea.n for relli-r. He tinea Nature's remedy,
in the shne or thi itperlenr.
SOLD MY ALL I)KlfHlISTS.
S77
PKK WEKKOT'ARANTEEIHoAirents,
iMale and rViiin le, in their own loculitv.
Terms and Of 'T KIT KHKE. Ad.'ress P.
. VHTKEKY fc CO., AuK'ista, Maine.
i; tft 'iiOrt Ir ''"J1 nt "m". Samples worth 1
"'re t'TINHOX & I"rtliind.Me
' . XTKK.-AS1 I'KKSOX ( AN MAKK .-M) ft
month sidlinic our letter eopv'n Imh'. Any
one that lins n letter to write will lnv It. No press
or water iiseil. Send stamp r..reireular. KXKI.
SHJli CO., i" Tribune liuildinir, ChiCiiny, 111.
53
VivIiit'K' 'nrI, with yonr name finely
HI'i mi ;!. p-ni nir ior, u p nave sfj lea.
. . tt . .i . . .
thin ""mi. w puiiipie p-uni lor sraiiip.
A. H. KCKL.KK fc CO., Hrockton. Mas.
30
rKXTKXM.it rxyrt tlitimj cauds. orsa
.let with name in jrold, tor i'O eents. Some
tiling entirely new. Address K. . Aiam9
ii u, Chatlinio, Coluiabia Co., New York
25
Fxfra Fine Mixed Cards with name. 10 eta.
i.J l td, 1. Jc NEM it Co , NiLiMHU. N. Y.
LAND for SALE.
m ftflfi A ll- F I'AUVIKU AMI
UW.UWU millRn t. ls t near the jrreat
Kanawha Kiver. in Pu'natu County, West Yir.
Itini. in quantities to suit purelrirers Soil itihhI,
w.iter pure and a liumlatit. timber excellent,
eli'.irelies. seliools and mills convenient ; title per
fect. Price fi to S per acre. 'J'ertns aceoinmota
tir.ir. Send for fail ilesrription to .1. 1. McUKAS,
Wmlicld. Putnam t'ounti". West Virninia.
?. oi Ztt S v LI Xirri ix
f 000,000 IX GIFTS.
Grandest Scheme erer Preaente4t to Ihc PaMIcl
A KOZtTIVSK lt O.M.V !.
'I'llK KKNTVCKY I'AsH HISTHI HITTION
I COM PAN Y. authorized bv a special act of the
Kentnekv Ieartslature. for the benelit of t he rl'li. I
Ml! SCHils i,K KKANKFOKT, will have '
Mie first of their series ol Ornnd I raTlnirs at. M a
jiiii II M.r.. In thet 'itrof Frankfort. Kentucky. on
THIJKS1.Y. Al'tl'M 31. li:a. on which occa
sion they will dlsirluto to the ticket-holders tlio
inimeusv sum of
8000,000.
Taos. P. Porter, KY-ltov Kr., Oenercl Mnnaacr.
J'akII Ivel.r 1 rnopanpnirntl
LIST OF GIFTS :
One Ornnd Omh Oift
Cue (mud Cash Oitt
One Orand Cnwli Oltt
One fJrnnd Cash tilit
1 ne ir nd Cah (i Iff
one Crand Cn-h Oirt
m t'iih ;iiif, piu
lt t.'rtslt f'.irts, iVKI earh
1K Ch tJltts, 4'tec-li
put Crish tiif ts, eat.-h
2ti :m-Ii fiifls, i.-aeh ....
tiOl Cnsh Otfta. !' i-aeh
l0.i) ChsIi Gift", 12 ei.
....fliio.nno
.... nal.lFtO
rs.
... . &MMI '
.... 1D.HM
.... O.U
nO.tlnO .
.... AYl.nO 1
.... 4MK
.... ftn.mii j
.... 40.ISU !
. ... I'vlt.flllO '
.... ini.4aj j
Total, 11,1" Gifts. At.t. cwt
... fcyiO.uuu
IVKICK OF TK KKT.-:
Whole tickets 12: TTa!re. M: Quarters. 3: 0 1
T rkets ts-VTU Tlrtets :nio: 4-'f Tickets. .)0; j
-vs 1 icKets. "l.issi. iei issf 1 ii-kct ai fi : tiien.
Ketnittanees can te made iy Kx press. Kralf. P.
O. Monev or-Ieror rlsered I.eit r. made paya
ble to Ke'ntnrky !'! itistrlbatinc Company.
All eommnnl ations connected with the distri
bution, and orders ror Tickets, jnd appllcntln of
Agenls to sell Tickets, slum I.I bo ndnrosscil to
llttN. THUS. IV POUT- H.
OmiKL MAA(Kn, JtAAKKOKT, Kf.
"CTIN AN('IAL IM: POUT of P,.vnn
AV Township Sciksh. Dlstkict for the
year enditiir .lime, l.-7H:
Petkr IIm k. Treasurer. Pit.
To amount received per Tax Implicate.
" of State appropriation
receivel tor house rent
ree'd from former Treasurer.
'2A .V)
6.1KJ
2fl i M j
$191.17
Ca.
Hy amount of orders canceled.
commission t I r asurer...
....19 Id lot)5.15
To balance due in hands of Treasurer.
a--t of note of K. C. Snyder
am't doe ol Carroll township.
Total balance due District
.. 71.05
. . 62 'JO
41.',.27
We. the nnderslarre I Auditors, have this day ex
amined theatx.ve. and find t he same to lie correct.
Witness onr hands this 3rd dav or .Inne, 1878.
ANTHONY SCK.NABL.E. .
UASPEHLIKII. f Auditors.
A Kit AH AM COY, )
July 21. lM7.-3t.
NOTICE. The following: tUscriUtl
fx'iMnal proptrtv ha Ix-en jmrclnsed
bv the nndersiicned at ShcrilPs sale and left with
akrv Mabi.ictt. ol Clearfield township.dnrinir
the pleasure of the owner: 1 bay horse, 1 dun
horse, 1 bay mare, 1 cow. 2 hofrs, 1 two-home
wajron. 1 to-it-horso spring wairou. 1 bniriry. 1 jriir,
'1 seta buicvy hamesa. i sets heavy harness. 1 K rub
ble ir mnclifne, t Mlows, I harrow, and a lot or
etnve timber ami bark, besides store, table',
chairs. hedsteda, beddinir and other household
an I kitchen rnrnlture. All peraons are hereby
cautioned jgninnt lnterfcrlnu in any way with
Mid prowrtv. E. tLLIOTT.
July 21, l7.-3t.
ST II A Y M A H K. dune tothe prem
ises of the; nmliTMignod reniilinc in Al
legheny township, Cambrin county, on Friday, the
lltli inst., s hay mare with three white feet and
small atrijie In her foreheail, snpjHised to he about
si rears old. The owner will nleaso come for
ward, prove property, pay charitog and take her
imi ; otlicrwiHe elie will be dlsiios- dof aceordinir
trdinir I
t4)laV. JOHN P,
July Sl,lS7.-t.
IlfcKTZOt.
s
rn i V Ill.'llVI.'li f'nmn t.i Him
. . . . . . . . - .
....tntuji. ' .f 1 1. a i 1 1 1 i.i'ri t M i In Carrfill 1
township, on or about tne aftin Ol may last, rain
I rlirlle heifer, (no marks), alaiut year old.
The owner I requested to rnme forward, prove
proM-rty pav charires, an.l lake heraway : other
wise she will" bo uitpotfvd of aeeordlnir to law.
S. A. SHOEMAKER.
July SI, lS76.-3f.
A LEX. TA IT, M I.. rursiciAN
am St'lK'.KON, (Ijo r t .arrolltown, )
la now located at Nt. unusllnc, Cambria county.
Night calls should bo made l tlio l'otjt-otnuc.
Julv 14, H7. tl.
A SOSO OF TIIK COU.1I RV.
Away from the ronr and tlw rattl,
Tim dnst and the din of thn town,
"Whore to live is to brawl anu to battle,
Till the f trong treads the weak loan down!
Away to the hounie green hills,
Where the sunshine Bleeps on the brae
And tba bene' .,f the greenwood thrills
To tho hyi n f the bird on the apray.
Away from the smoke and the smother,
The vil of the dun and the brown,
Tim push ana Hie plash and the pother,
The wear and the wastti of the tnwu !
Away where the iky shine clear.
And the light breeze wanders .t will,
And the dark pine-wood nods near
To the light-plumed birch ou the hlll.J
Away from the whirling and wheeling,
And steaming above ami below,
Where the heart has no leisure for feeling
And tb thought has no qniet to grow :
Awav where I he clear brook purls,
And the hyacinth droops i.i the shade,
And the plume of the fern nncnrls
Its grace in the depth of the glade.
Away to the cottage so sweetlv,
Kuibowerod 'neiMh the fringe of the worxl,
W here the wife of my bosom shall ineot me
With thoughts ever kindly nd good ;
More dear than the wealth of the world,
Fotitl mother with bairnies hre,
Ami the plump armed babe that, has curled
Its lips sweetly Muting for ine.
Then away from the roar and -the rattle,
The dual, ami I lie din of the town,
Where to live is to brawl afi.l to battle
'Till the strongest treads the weak man
down I
Away where the green twigs nod.
In fragrant breath of the May,
And the sweet growth spreads on the sod,
And the blithe bird sings on the spray.
.Sunday Magazine.
A SPECIAL COXSTAIiLE.
5Y CtlAItl.KH RF.ADR.
Two women, sisters, kept the toll-bar at
a village in Yoikshire. It stood apart
from the village, and they often felt uneasy
at night, beins lone women.
One day they received a considerable
sum of money, Itrqueathed them by a re
lation, and that set the simple souls all in
a Mutter.
They bad a friend in the village, tho
blacksmith's wife ; f,o they went and told
Iter their fears. 3hc admitted that theirs
was a lonesome place, and she would not
live there, for one without a man. Her
discouise tent them, home downright mis
erable. .
The blacksmith's wife told Iter husband
all about it when be came in for his dinner.
"The fools!" said he; "bow is anybody
to know they have got brass in the house?"
"Well," said tho wife, "they make no
secret of it to me ; but you need not go for
to tell it to all the town poor souls."
"Xot I," said the man; "but, they will
publish it, never fear; leave women folk
alone for making their own trouble with
their tongues."
There the subject dropped, as man and
wife have things to talk about besides their
neighbors.
The old women at the toll-bar. what with
their own fears and their Job's comforter,
legan to fibiver with apprehension as night,
came on. However, at sunset the carrier
passed through the gate, and at sight of
hi face they brightened up. They told
bi:n their care, and begged him to sleep in
the house that night. Vhy, bow can I?"
said he. "I'm due at ; but I will leave
you my dog." The dog was a powerful
mastiff.
Tho women looked at ich other expres
sively, "lie won't hurt us, will ho?"
sighed one of them faintly. "Not l.e,"
said the carrier, cbeei fully. Then he
called the dog into the house and told them
to lock the door; and went away whistling.
The women were left contemplating the)
dog with that tender interest apprehension
is sure to excile. At fust be seemed stag
gered at this off hand proceeding of his mas
ter ; it confused him ; then he snuffed at
the door; then as tho wheels retreated, he
began to see plainly that he was an a ban
donod dog; be delivered a fearful bowl,
and flew at the door, scratching and bark
ing furiously.
The old women fled the apartment, and
were next seen at an upper window, scream
ing to the carrier. "Come back ! come
back, John ! He is tearing the bouse
down."
"Drat tbe varmint!" faid John, and
came back. On tbe road be thought what
was best to be done. Tbe good natured
fellow took bis great coat out of tbe cart
and laid it down on the floor. The mastiff
instantly laid himself on it. "Now," said
John sternly, "let us have no more non
sense ; you take charge of that till I conio
back, and don't yon lot nobody steal that
tbere, nrr yet t'wives' brass. There, now,"
said be, kindly, to tbe women, "I shall be
back this way by breakfast time, and be
won't budge till then."
"And be won't hurt us, John?"
"Lord, no. Bless your heart, be is as
sensible as any Christian ; only, Lord sake,
woman, don't ye go. to take the eoafc from
him, or you'll be wanting a new gown your
self, and maybe a petticoat and all."
He retired and tbe old women kept nt a
respectful distance from their protector.
He never molested them ; and indeed,
when they spoke cajolingly to him, be even
wagged his tail in a dubious way ; but
still, as they moved about, he aquinted at
them out of hia blood-shot eye in a way
that checked all desire oo their parts to try
on the carriera's coat.
Thu protected they went to bed earlier
than usual ; they did not. undress ; they
were too much afraid of everything, especi
ally their protector. The night wore on,
nud ncsently their hai inning t-etiKO let
them know that the dog was getting rest
less ; he snufied and then he growled, and
then he got np and pattered about, mut
tering to himself. Straightway with furni
ture they barricaded the door through
which their protector must pass to devour
them.
But by and-by, listening acutely, they
beard a scraping and a grating outside tbe
window of tho room where the dog was ;
and he continued growling low. This was
enough ; they slipped out at tbe back door,
and left their money to save their lives ;
they got into the village. It was pitch
dark, and all the houses black bnt two .
one was the public house, casting a triang
ular gleam across the road a long way off,
and the other was the blacksmith's bouse.
Here was a piece of fortune for the terrified
woman. They bust into their friend's
house. "Oh ! Jane, the theieves have
come 1" and they told her iu a few words
all that, bad happened.
"L:!" said she; "how timorous you
are ! ten to one he was only growling at
some one that passed by !''
"Xay, Jane, we heard the scraping out
side the window. Ob, woman, call your
man, and let him go with us."
"My man he is not here."
"Where is he, then?"
"I suppose he is where other working
women's husbands ate, it the public
house," she said rather bitterly, for she
had her experience.
The old women, wanted to go to the
house for h'im; but the blacksmith's wife
was a courageous woman, and, besides, she
thought it was most likely a false alarm.
"Nay, nay," said she, "last time I went
for him there I got a flue affront. I'll come
with you," said she. "I'll take the poker,
and we have got our tongues to raise the
town with, I suppose. So they marched to
the toll bar. When they got near it, they
saw something- that staggered this he
roine. There was actually a man half
in and half out of the window. This
brought the blacksmith's wife to a stand
still, and the timid pair implored her to go
back to the vilbge. "Nay," said she,
"what for? I see nut one and hark it
ts my belief the d'g is holding of him."
However, she thought it safest to be on the
same side w ith the dog, lest, the man might
turn on her. S she made her way into
the kitchen followed by the other two ; and
there a sitrht met her eyes that changed all
hor feelings, Ixith towitrd the robber and
toward each other. The great mastiff had
pinned a man by the throat, and was pull
ing nt him to draw him through the win
dow, with fierce but muffled snarls. -The
man's weight alo-ie prevented it. The
wind.iw was like a pietnro frame, and in
that frame t here glared, with lolling tongue
and starting eye?, the white face of the
blacksmith, their courageous friend's vil
lainous husband. he uttered an appall
ing scream and flew upon the dog and
choked him with tw- hands, lie held and
growled, and tore till he was all but throt
tled ; himself. j!he be let go anil the
man fell. Bnt what struck the gtound out
side, like a lump of lead, was in truth a
lump of clay ; the man was quite dead, and
fearfully torn about the throat. So did a
comedy end in an appalling and most pite
ous tragedy; not that the scoundrel himself
deserved any pily, but bis poor, biave,
honest, wife, to whom he had not dared to
cot i fide the villainy he meditated.
The outlines of this true story rrcre in
several journals. I have put the disjointed
particulars together as well as I could. I
have tried haul to learn the name of the
village, and what became of this pour
widow, but have failed hitherto. . Should
these lines meet tho eve of any one who can
tell me, I hope be will and without delay.
Il'irper's Wwklg.
A Patriotic Jlt.y. Mr. Charles M.
Tee, a well known criminal lawyer of
liochesfcr, N. Y.. was defending an old
revolutionary soldier for passing a forged
promissory note for some thirty dollars.
Tbere was hardly the faintest doubt of his
guilt, but Lee contrived to get before the
jury a fact that the accused, when a youth
of nineteea. was one of the storming party
that followed Anthony Wayne in his des
perate assault upon Stony Point, and help
ed to carry the wounded general into the
fort during that terrible fight.
In summing np. Lee, afier getting over
the ugly points of the evidence as best be
could, undertook to carry the jury by es
calade, on the ground of the prisoner's
revolutionary services. iTe descriled in
graphic language the bloody attack on
Stony Point, the impetnons valor of Wayne,
the daring exploit of his client, and wound
np with the stunning inter rogatory, "Gen
tlemen of the jury, will yon send ro the
state prison for passing a contemptible
thirty dollar forged note, an old hero of
three score and ten, who. in youth, cheered
the heart of bis country in the darkest
hour of the Revolution, by storming Stony
Point ?"
This was a Tser. The chins of some of
the jury quivered ; bnt, the foreman, a bluff
farmer, put on an air which seemed to say
that storming Stony Point was a good
thing enough in its lino, but what had tba,
to do with parsing this forged note ?
After being out a eouplo of hours, the
jury returned, when the clerk went through
the usual formula : "fjpntl,men of the
jury, have you agreed upon a verdict ?"
"We have."
"Do you find tbe prisoner at the bar
guilty or not guilty ?"
"Not. guilty, bec:me he stormed Stony
Point !"' thundered the stalwart foreman,
w ho, it, was afterward learned, w as the last
to come to an agreement.
The audience applauded, the crter rap
ped to oilier, tho district attorney objected
to the recording of the verdict, the judge
sent the jury out again, telling the foro
man. in a rather sharp tone, that, they
must find an unconditional verdict of guil
ty or not guilty.
After an absence of a few minutes they
returned, when the foreman rendered a
simple verdict of not guilty, adding, bow
ever, as he dropped to his seat : "It was a
good thing, though, judge, for the old
revolutionary cuss that he stormed Htony i
Point !"
JVb Investigation Heeded.
MAX ADELER HCXS FOR THE PRESIDENCY.
I have pretty much made up my mind
now to run for the presidency. What the
country wants is candidate who cannot
be injured by investigation of bis past
history, so that the enemies of the party
wi!l be unable to rake up against him
things that nobody ever heard of before.
If you know tbe most about a candidate, to
to begiu with, every attempt to spring
things on him will be checkmated. Now,
I am going to enter the field with an open
record. I am going to owti up in advauce
to all the wickedness I have done, and if
any congressional committee is disposed to
prowl around my biography, in the hope
of finding any dark and deadly deed which
I have secreted, why, let it prowl.
In the first place, I admit that I did tree
a rheumatic grandfather of mine in the
winter of 18oD. lie was old and inexpert
at climbing trees. But with a heartless
brutality that is characteristic of me, I rau
him out the front door in his night shirt, at
the point of a shot-gun, and caused him
to bowl up a maple tree, where be remained
all night, while I emptied shot into his legs.
I did this because he snored. I will do it
agiin if I ever have another grandfather.
I am as inhuman now as I was in ISoO.
No rheumatic person shall snore in my
house.
I candidly acknowledge that I ran away
at the battte of Gettysburg. My friends
have tried to smooth over this fact by as
set ting that I merely got behind a tree ;
that I did so for the ptirjiose of imitating
Washington, who went to the woods at
Valley Forge to say bis prayers. It is a
miserable subtcifuge. I stiuck out in a
straight line for the Tropic of Cancer sim
ply because I was scared. I wanted my
country saved, but I prefoted to have some
body fclsesave her ; I entertain that prefer
ence yet. If the bubble, reputation, can
bo obtained only at the cannon's mouth I
am willing to go there for it, provided the
cannon is empty. If it is loaded, my im
j mortal and inflexible purpose is to get sud
denly over the fence and go home. My in
variable practice in war has been to bring
out of any given fight two-thirds more men
than I took in. This socms to me to be
Napoleonic in its grandeur.
The list time 1 ran for the presidency
there was some unpleasant talk about my
implication in a transaction w ith the widow
Pollock's ducks. The matter was bushed
up; but I have no objection to admitting
the truth respecting it. 1 have always bad
a favorite theory that roast ducks are con
ducive to hysterical symptoms, and as
every instinct of my nature prompted me
to protect the widow from the ravages of
hysteria, I cuteied the coop in her garden
and regret fullybut firmly removed those
ducks. The fact that she began a prosecu
tion against me is not a matter of conse
quence. It is tbe fate of the philanthropist
to lie misunderstood. But duty is my
guiding. star, and if it leads nic toducksor
destruction I shall follow it.
My financial views are of the most decid
ed character, but they ate not likely, with
the advocates of inflation and contraction.
I do not insist upon the special supremacy
of rag money or hard money. Tbe great
fundamental principle of my life is to take
any kind that I can get.
Tho rumor that I buried a dead aunt
under one of my grape vines is founded
upon fact. The viue needed fertilizing,
my aunt had to be buried, and I dedicated
her to this high purpose. Does that uufit
me for the presidency? Tbe constitution
of our country does not say so. No other
citizen was ever considered unworthy of
the office because he enriched bis grape
vines with bis relations. Why should I be
selected as the tirst victim of an absurd
prejudice?
I admit, also, that I am not a friend or
the poor man. I regard the poor man, in
bis present condition, as so much wasted
raw material. Cut upand properly canned,
he might be made useful to fatten tbe
natives of the Cannibal Islands, and to im
prove our export trade with that region ; j
shall recommend legislation upon the sub
ject in my first message. My campaign
cty will be "Dcssicato the poor woikitig
man ! Stuff biro into sausages !"
These are about the worst, parts of my
record. On them 1 come before the conn
try. If my country dou't want me I will
go back again. But I recommend myself
as a safe man a man who starts from tho
basis of total depravity and proposes to be
fiendish to tbe last. The Illustrated Week-
"Wntcn." Yesterday morning a boy
entered a Woodward avenue drug store,
bottle in hand, and said he wauted ten
cents worth of "arnakymony." The
druggist had him repeat the word two or
three limes, and then said :
"Now, do you mean ai nica or ammonia?"
"I duuno," was the reply.
'What is it for ?" asked the druggist.
"I'll be licked if I tell," replied the boy,
slatting slowly out. He went as far as the
1.u., .v'.f o tn-trl fr irlrtfk. a Hat tllvttfifl ,irl
km id : . f
"If your wife bit you on tbe bead with a j
chair leg, which or them medicines would
you git to take the swelling down?"
"Arnica."
" Then fill her in ten cents' worth," said
the boy, and he gazed lovingly at the b'g j
sticks of licorice, while the preparation
was being bottled.
Truth Stranger than Fiction.
Twenty-two years ago, or in the spring
of 1854, Enos Dalrymi.-le was a clerk in a
general store near the corner of Jeffersou
avenue aud Bates street. Dalrympie had
then been over from England about one
year, and during his ocean voyage be had
made the acquaint anco of Miss Louisa
Merkham. With their parents they tame
to this city, and were thus enabled to con
tinue an acqauintancc which soon changed
into love, and the consequent engagement
resulted. Louisa's parents being pretty
well supplied with this world's gods were
much opposed to Dalrympie as a son-in-law,
chiefly because be worked for a living ;
but their opposition was useless. Tho
young eouplo met in secret and carried on
a correspondence unknown to any ono but
themselves. Too poor to get married,
young Dalrympie as soon as he reached
his majority started West in search of his
ortunc. He bad not been absent many j tLe 8moolj, coat of green and black wbere
months when Miss Merkham's parents dis , with nature clothed him be can enjoy tl.o
covered that their daughter was still cor- ; cooling shower, or sit in his bath 'by tho
responding with Dalrymplc, and sant her ' tour, with no fear of ague and no sense of
' , " . . . ' ., , , seething discomfort,
to Quebec to bo educated, ostensibly, but j -Happy frog I lie has nohonrsnf labor,
really to wean hor from the object of her and be secmetu not to bo oppressed witn
affection. j the necessity of sleeping nt any set time.
"For eight rears," said Dalrympie, "I "e crin t?ke hi sief Rt "lsiyf "
. , . , - , . : dreamy doze at early dawn, and in the coel
heard not a word from Louisa, during1 (,f the evening be can sit and sing in the
which time I moved to Melbourne. An- I fullness of his iov ! No mosouitoa lnnn
stralia, and established mvsclf as an attor-
ncy and counsellor at law. At last, on
the 20th of August, 1SG0, I was sin prised
at the receipt of a letter bearing the Liver-
pool postmark and the signature of my lost
sweetheart. In the letter she stated that i
she bad long thought mo dead, but seeing !
my name in an Australian paper tho old
love had prompted her to write to me,
something telling her that the Australian
attorney was the Detroit clerk of '54.
'I answered the letter promptly and
with the old feeling of affection, but I
waited for a reply in vain, until at last I
made up my mind that either I had been
imposed upon or death had claimed my
sweetheart.
"Sul I a bachelor, I toiled at my profes
sion and accumulated wealth, and last
January, filled with a desire to revisit De
troit aud my old homo in England, also
intending to visit the woild's Ltir at Phila
delphia, I took passage on tho steamer
Calcutta for San Francisco, where I ar
rived on the 2d of Februtry. Without
delayT started East, and since that time
have traveled across the continent three
tiroes.
'Last Tuesday evening I was at Ch icago,
and to pass away the time I visited one of
the theatres. What the play was I do not
recollect, save that there was a re union of
two niincinal rh, ncter nftpriilm.nnr.
ni.
ation, and, as usual, the audience was dis
missed in high spirits. Especially was I
happily impressed, for in the person of a
lady who assumed the part of a kind, mat
ronly old womau I fancied that 1 recognized
the voice and features of the love of my
youth, and try as I would I could not dis
miss t he far.cy. So deeply was it impressed
upon my mind that after going to my
hotel I examined the play-bill and ;if:er long
consideration resolved to call uj.-on the 'old
woman.' The next day I cariitd out my
resolution, and there occurred a mutual re
cognition, which, had you seen it, you
could ncvet forget."
"The result is that after nearly ten yenrs
of life on the stage, Louisa has left it for
gmd, and together we will visit Philadel
phia and old England, after which wo will
return to Melbourne to end our days in
peace and happiness, as I hope."
A reporter who bad overheard the re
marks of the man in tbe chair introduced
himself, and was not only received cordial-
ly, bnt was asked to "come up to The
Howard House at 2 o'clock and you'll see
the sequal."
Having accepted the invitation with
thanks, the repot ter was on band, and w ith
four or five invited guests witnessed tho
marriage of the Australian lawyer and tho
. ...tt
acl ress from Chicago, and soon after saw
the old man with shining face and steady J
band insci ibe with extra flourish in the hotel ,
, i
register : "Enos Dalrympie and wife, Mtl
bourne, Australia." D'roit Free Pre.
A Tr.ru Stout of the Ckstvnm.m.
Show. Here I will tell a story, new and
true. At the great exposition of Philadel
phia is a jury designated as No. 8. It ex
amines rubber goods, among which are
considered, by license of power, corsets.
On the jury is a smart French politician
named Dietzmannae. The whole jury is
attentive and just, and as there Aero
thousands of patent corsets, the devoted
class of number 8 had to fumble them
through, each patent shown by an expert.
At last when they were all, as it was sup
posed, done and relieved, a somewhat
meager youwg female rushed in and de
manded audience for r.nother patented i
sort of corsot. "Very, well," said tho i
Frenchman, Aith polite resignation. Tho
little woman wrapped the corset around
him and expatiated at tiresome length on
its perfection. Tbe jury stood up and felt
of it, clasped and unclasped if, l.wiketi wise
and tired. "Madamo,"ech.imod"I)ietz-
iiiannae, "what is the special merit you
claim for Ibis corset?" "The fit Monsieur!"
"But we cannot tell how it fits. What
proof have woof that?' The little woman
flared right up. "Why, you doiimean to
say you want ire to try them on ?"'
"Madame," said the juryman, without a
mih. ''Justice is blind." Cincinnati Kn-tVrei:
run frog.
Thus the perspiring editor of tbe Boston
Globe discourses oil the comfortable life of
the frog :
"We feel impressed during these fervid
days," says the writer, "that it would bo
nice to be a fiog. So far as we know II o
frorf never toils, and we feel quite eel lam
that he doth not spin ; but be goes in
swimming whenever be feels like it, and bo
has a passion that way that the most rest
less schoolboy can baidly emulate. What
. could lie more refreshing than to plunge t
the bottom of ae-Kil pond, when the siiiu
. mersun grows lleico ami vindictive, and
tbere meditate on the advantages of am
; phibiousncss ? What a luxurious pi u o
. would the bottom of a lake be for pas-sinj
one's Fourth of July in peace and quiet !
! Oh ! that we were a frog. And the you: h
I ful batrachian lives in a perietual summer
! retreat, in sedgy streams ami by pttilin
springs, in the. cool shade of the umbra
geous trees and among tall grasses swept
by the passing brecr- And he wears n-
; exasperating fabric! f wool or cotton, ior
. "VOT a f 5 It -Mtfl Oiwl astir- !' :
' nirn ani ,,c ,ias n easy escaie from pesti-
fcronsllies. As a singer be has few euual-.
and as a ventriloquist he is absolutely un
surpassed. He can som.vlnlate and entuno
bis voice as to battle the efforts of the most
' persc-vering boy to find bis whereabouts.
and without question he has rare sport in
thus playing with the feelings of bis chie f
enemy, the small boy. 'l is not alone iu
the refreshing and invitroratiog element,
water, that the frog has advantages of loco
motion. He will leap you a hundred times
I his length at a single jump. If a man
! could do that, what fu:i it would hu !
j How exhilarating would be the daily jour
ney to town, with the opportunity of a lean
: irom tue uiiage on tne way :
i 'The frog has many other advantages
j that may well make one siu for a lot bk
i his. It is better than any corner lot in
Boston. Who ever saw a frog that was
lean, or that was reduced either to beggary
or the necessity of labor? His natural food
' swarms in bis. favorite haunts, eager to bo
j sn allowed. And be has no occasion to Imi
J over fastidious, fvr he has n." sense of taste
and very Jiitle of sine 1. It may not bo
, generally known to the ni.ltanitd that the
frog, w ith all his fondness f ir water and
I c'ainpnes--, never drinks. To some this
may seem like a disadvantage. Tbere are
i degenerate men who, if they were forced
, to take all their liquid refreshment extern
' ally, would covet tho fate of that English
prince wiio was tin in tied in a butt of Malm
sey wine ; or il they were to be frogs, they
would u ivll for luiu-le tC ,mi1. U1-
1 Df bouor.
i "'1 he frog suffers occasionally from tho
' 'cussedness' of the small In'y and the
! voracity of i he Frenchman, but he has few
! enemies.
rt.fiiOi. I'.t tli.. m.tct l. ..,c.n..
! life of serene joy, and never fails to keep
cind in Milliliter, while in winurhe dreams
the mouths away in a state of ecstatic tor
j pidity. He bus no occasion f-u- overcoat
( or arctic sIhhjs, and cares not for tho range
of the tbeim t:it Tt i or the prognostications
; of 'Old li ob. The rain never soils his
; picnic or postpones hiscvening' entertain
! ttient. He has his place too in literature.
Even old Homer sung of his conflict with
; rapi.ciuus indents, and Aristophanes made
hint a medium for wit and music in his
'. dramas. I iow many a lesson has he taught
j the wot Id, with .Esop us his interpreter!
lie is f.inious in song and story, he is hap
py and jovial in his lite, and above all ho
1 is forever cmjI.
Hapv-y f.og !"
Tin: cj;a tkz;xia i
A correspondent f a western paper thus
J vises tbe home folks. EveivlMntv who
! has been there talks in the same strain ;
! "No person who can possibly spare the
j money should f il to cme. I do not say
time andnoncy, for a person who has the
; mney and thinks be has not time is a
goose. He is worse than a goose. Ho
j cheats himself. He denies his eyes a feast
j tu vei vsonl will be edmt ed ,.hm,h
I sucti as was never tittered to eyes befo
..... .
. 1 a 1 .
oy wiiai ne sees incre. it will oe a feast
i
!
for his memory forever.
"Stay awny? IKm't think of such a
thing if you have the health aud money to
conic. As for jour time, there is nothing
more useful t which you can devote it
And as for the trouble and fatigue, ono
tour through tho Ait Galleiy will repay
all. The Art Gallery ! What ien can des
cribo it ? There are more than an acre of
paintings from all the world, some of them
rare, famous and cost! All the pictures
I ever saw put together do not compare
with this e-il lection. A l.ver of art can re-
i main among lltce tie;:sniesa week and
then leave with regret.
I "And the Government building, it is
! worth a j ninn y and neveral round trip
I tickets to behold, even w here there isnoth
I ing else to see. And Machinery Hall, and
the main building, and but I will not enu
merate anything more, Ibe subject is too
vast for enumeiation. It is too vast for
anything except to look, and look, and
look until the closing day. and then tho
circle 1ms not been run. For should you,
devote only two niiiiules to each ail icle ex
hibited, jou cannot finish ju three m ntbs.
No oue pair of eyes can see all that is
here.
"I confess that I bad no conception of
the magnitude cf this exhibition, although
I have been croc'. it ei in smr quatteis wiiu
having an imagination. The hlf b.-d not
been told me, and no dream bad approach
ed the reality. The man who c:m cop.e
aud don't, stands in b?s own light. e
share with him the pily we feel for tba
man who wants to come and can't, A few
weeks at the Exhibition this summer is
equal to a journey around the world."
At tl e close of a concern, white a young;
gentleman was strugg nig with his hat?
; cat c, overcoat, opera glavs and his young
i h.tly's fan, a 1 of which be wn trvmg to
retain on bis lap, a suspicious-looking black
b tile fell on tbe 11 .or wnn a thud.
4 Tbere," be exclaim jd to his companv,
1 shall lose my con m bcine." That
i was pretence of niiu i lot you.