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l1; r"' r. nrarl v oiiposlte llluir s
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strec t.
Iimi'd be nri're.
r4-4-f.l
Attoknky-at-Law. Ebi
flice'in frnnt room of T.
i.
Itl.r. ('('iitrf. ct ri'At. All
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Nlrr : '-
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,11, l';r''ALGI1LIN. Attorney
. ,liJ M -A- M;r ' WIUI.-17 1U i urj wiu
fiim ."'m Ul'-J'ir3,; comer ot um.
-". w-'sn stteo.t to nil tru-
1 '"Ij t.te nr.ieaiu.
IF J SHOULD DIE TO-NIGHT.
If I should die to-night,
My friends Trould look upon my qniet face
Be-fore they laid it in its resting place.
And deem that death had left it almost fair;
And, laying snow-white flowers against my
hair
Would smooth it down with tearful tender
ness. And foltl my hands with lingering caress.
X'oor hands, po empty and so cold to-night !
If I should die to-night.
My friends would call to mind, with loving
thought,
Somekindlydeed the icy handshad wrought;
Some gentle word the fror.-n lips had said ;
Krrands on which the willing feet had sped;
The memory of my selfishness and pride,
My hasty words, would all he put aside,
And so I should be loved and mourned to
night. If I should die to-niaht.
Even hearts estranged would turn once more
to me,
Recalling other days remorsefully,
The eyes that chill me with averted glance
Would loolt upon me as of yore, perchance,
And soften, in the old familiar way.
For who could war with dumb, unconscious
clay ?
So I might rest, forgiven of all to-night.
Oh, friends. I pray to-night,
Keep not your Viskch for my dead, cold
hrovr.
TIip way is lnnely, lf me feel them now.
Think Kently of me ; I am travel-worn.
My talt'riiig feet are pierced with many a
thorn.
Forgivo. h hearts estranged, forgive, I
plead !
When dreamless rest is mine I shall not
need
Tli t-juderness for which I long to-night.
11. S
f From the Sntnvdny Evening- Post.J
JAsrisii's lriZLr,.
BY AKT1ICII BT. CLAIR.
Tlie Quaker poet Whittier, in one ot his
warlike lyrics lyrics made up of the clash
cf cymbals, the peal of trumpets and the
roll of drums breaks out in the following
strain :
"A R-ro.in fron Kuknw'n hnunted worvl
A wail where Camden's mnrtyrs felt
By erory Klirine rT pnlriot blood.
From Moultrie's whM and Jaciper.s -.reli ;"
Now, while doubtless nearly all of my
readers have heard of E:itaw and Camden
and Fort Moultrie, probably very few
have heard of Sergeant Jasper, xnd even
fewer of the exploit which has given the
name of "Jasper's well" to the southern
locality at which it occurred.
Sergcant Jasper, afLer'his gallant beha-
vicr at Fort Moultrie, was one of the most
dis'.inrruitdicd of that little band of heroes
who served under Marion, and kept a foot-
hold for liberty in the Carolina and Geor-
gia, when the Britisli cause seemed to be
everywhere triumphant.
Jnsper hesitated not to leave the camp
of his comrr.auder, am? venture again and
again within the Brimli lines, in order
that he might obtain information of pro-
iected movements. And it was in one of
these cxneditions as a spy. when he was
accompanied by a comrade named Newton,
that the following romantic incident oc
curred. Two miles from Savannah, in the noble
old State of Georgia one of the glorious
"old Thirteen" there is a famous spring,
which is well known to travelers. Here
one day a guard of British soldiers halted
to rest. Nor they alone. Captive Ameri
cau. accused of treason inasmuch as
they hat' accepted a "protection" from
the British commander, and afterward,
wbou the American army had entered that
part of the country, joined the ranks of
their natriot countrymen sad ana down
cast, for they knew their doom was death,
also Hung themselves down in the grateful
shade of the trees that surrounded the
well of the spring.
Ons of these sad-eyed prisoners was a
man whose only daughter was with bim
resolved to ubide by her beloved father to
the last. She was a beautiful dark-eyed
Southern girl, named Sallie St. Clair.
The writer of this would be proud to know
that kindred blood to hers runs in his own
veins.
jnr and his comrade had marked
thU sad procession, slowly wending its
j.-.i Cor.iri and the eibbet
uusiy j k .- w-
and Jasper's heart had been especially
..i,,l lw the sorrowful yet glorious bean-
, of Sillift St. Clair. "We will rescue
them or die !" exclaimed he to his brave krao. It was Sallie St. Clair. Cousuru
companion, with set lips. ed by the fires of love and absence, she
a hold thought for they were two to
t ,l lKides. they were entirely un-
armed ! But in a great cause great souls
nHds. Two men with God
are a match for a thousand mere myrmi-
r(.f.i,nv.
... r w.rinn's nushcd on aud
. . t tum oldiers and their
erot in auvaum
C7
, .1 1.- .irnelr JaS-
;.tim. A SUUaen iuu"Su
. l.-.i .Via eonl shade 01 toe
rer. as ne irai"" ...
Here tbey witf rest awhile let
spring
" -in tMm thicket." said
us conceal '
he
Soon the
It was
- . , ,,.j.j.t,,wd
w- . i j Mr mm i.eu auu avm v.-.
vmaireJon cuaidby the musKeis in the ianen w.- -,emair.eU
on guaiu ,,.wp of the enemy.
others went to tDe spring
the latter had rracnea v.. -i-.-h,.
Jeaned their musket, against a tree, Pr.-
. a j nmrlTltT. I.IIBV
paratory to nipping u-
i- 1, . aatiir.
ambush, Jasper and
Vewton each seized a musket. Clubbing
them they knocked the two soldiers sense
ithen sprineiuc like lions upon the
two soldiers who guarded the stacicea
m 1
muskets, and who hardly knew what 10
do' in tbeir 'surprise, they shot them dsad
and possessed themselves of ill the stack
of weapon".
"Yield at once!" shouted Jasper as'they
presented two fresh muskets at the unarm
ed guard, "or you die I"
The unarmed soldiers yielded, and the
prisoners were rescued. '
And this is the famous story of "Jasper's
well."
But it is not the whole of it. Journey
ing back, again into the interior of the
country into the hills, always the natural
fortress of freedom Sallie St. Clair lost
her heart to the heroic rescuer of her fath
er and his friends.
But it was no time then for marriage, if
for lore and Jasper and she parted with
out a word ; he for the active duties, the
desperate encouuters, the hair-breadth es
capes of x partisan's life and she to dream
of one for whom she had conceived a pas
sion, such, perhaps, as is seldom found
save in the warm, rich blood of a Southern
clime.
"The cold in clime are coM in blood.
Their love ciin scHrce deserve me n.tme ;
Hut hers Was like the lava Hood,
That boils in Ktua's trt-HSt or name."
It was about six months after this, when
a stripling made his way iuto the depths
of one of those almost impenetrable mol
asses where Marion was accustomed to
take shelter from Tarletou's diagoons,
when the latter were out in overwhelming
force, and asked to be enrolled as a mem
ber of the famous band.
"You, my son?" replied Marion with a
smile, "why you are not tall enough and
strong enough yet."
The stripling glanced at the small, slight
frame of the noted paitisan himself "1
do not think I should be so much smaller
or weaker than my General."
Marion laughed. "Frankly and truly
spoken, ruy boy but my business is to
lead. I am the head ; but the body must
have KtreDg arms. Look there !"
lie pointed to his band generally stout
aud strong, and some herculeau fellows,
ready to follow the flag of Freedom up to
the canuon's mouth. "Uut still," contin
ued he, "if you have counted the cost, and
think well to stay you shall be welcome
J will refuse no man the glory and honor
nf serving his country in this desperate
hour. Here, Jasper here is a new re-
emit."
Sergeant Jasper started at the youth s
face, as if it was partly familiar to him.
t think Sergeant Jasper will know who
avn " said the young man iu a calm but
very musical voice, "I am the twin brother
of Sallie St. Clair."
Ah, I thought your face looked very
familiar," said Jasper. "Lome witu me.
From that moment Jasper and i ratiK
St. Clair were sworn friends and comrades.
In camp, on the march, and in the strife
of battle where ono was, tueie niigiit oe
found the other.
Oua thing often struck Jasper as very
T 1 1 .... A- y-Vf
curious. lie WOUIU rroeii F "is"
ith a kind of half-consciousness that
somebody had been gazing earnestly into
his face and Cnd that yousg St. Clair
was awake beside him. Once he opened
his eyes suddenly, and his young comrade
was" leaning over him, his face very close
to his own.
"What is it. Frank ?"
"Oh, nothing. I could not sleep, and
was wondering how you could sleep so
souudly
One day, however, a sad end came to
all this. Marion's bngaue was au-acucu
in camp by a party of Tarleton s dragoons.
They ilew to their arms, however, and suc
ceeded finally in beating back tha assail
ants. Toward the close of the conflict, a hugh
dragoon suddenly spurred his horse to
-here Senreant Jasper wa standing, ana
w;th a blow of his sabre would have cleft
h5m through the shoulder. It would have
gone hardly with the sergeant, for he saw
the danger too late. But the watchful
.a nf Frank were on his comrade, and
.ith a wjid shriek he sprang before Jas-
Tl,. abrei descended, and
Frank
t , .
fell heavily upon the eanu
i,is life for his friend.
He had give
IIe i Then the truth was first msde
had cnt offher long black cuns, ana array
herself in the garb of a man. By pass-
ing herself as her own twin brother, she
had removed the suspicion which other-
ise might have been aroused in the bos-
nm of the man she so devoteaiy iove-1.
hnried her id a beautiful spot near
c,tA. and the tears wet many
i" ' - . . ., .
.1 .! r-,-.rrrr cheek aS Sh6 WM laiQ
Drouzeu i". "cm
: ,uo rrmve
"
As for Jasper he mourned as one wi o
v.. n
ni not be comforted, ueam no
. , A At. thA sier
..r tn him naa nny o-
f Savannah, he was among the bravest of
.... t. A,.d when the color-oearer 01
TiieiiiAw
,no, he bad jeceived
his
I rll I. Ill v v - -
recked he however
dcath wound L Ul eked
tor no
f Heaven, the beau
tiful face and form of his beloved
"True love can never die.
Flee you 10 yoiiui.-r "-f
Still shall you bover n jh.
Bailie r)t. CSnir.
Old maids In Virginia are politely called
belated sisters."
A. Cradle and, Carriage.
REMARKABLE DOTAL RELICS.
One of the most curious of all the relics
left us of bluff old Henry VIII., of England,
his six wives, atd the three children who
successively wore the crown after him, is
the cradle of his youngest daughter, Queen
Elizabeth.
It is of English oak, very massive, with
richly carved panels, six iu number two on
each side one of the same height composing
the foot, and a much higher one under the
heal-board. The length of the cradle Ls
three feet two inches, and the height, to the
top of the ornaments, four feet. At the
foot is a large shield, with two cherubs sup
porting the royal crown, and in the centre
the initials " E. R.," namely, Elizabeth
Regina. The whole of this ornamental work
is of silver, carved and engraved in quaiDt
devices, that look strangely enough in our
day of light and graceful ornaments. At
the head is the " Prince of Wales " plamo
or crest, which is always the insignia of the
rei.uing monarch's eldest son, or daughter
where there is no son. Henry VIII., having
no mr.le heir at the time Elizabeth was Itorn,
she was created Princess of Wales by her
father; but her right to the title wis set
aside when her half-brother Edward was
born.
The crest at the head of t'ie cradle, and
the ornamen'al worksarrounding it, is richly
gilded, and towering mora than a foot above
the roof of the head-piece, presents a very
imposing appearance. I think it must have
looked very grand to the laughing, chubby
cheeked balte that lay leIow it, especially if
she was as fosd of the display ia her infancy
as she was when grown up.
Qi e n
Elizalteth had the weakness to delight in
fine clothes, and be very vaiu of her personal
appearance. To such an extent was this
carried that she c iald never forgive any one
about her fi being mire beautiful than
herselr. B it this was after she grew up,
and I suppose the dimpled bibe, as she lay
in this curioufi cradle, was far more interest
ed in the bright and silver ornaments about
her, than in admiring her own tir.y foiin
and features.
In IjU, when the little princes wa sli
years old, and had outgrown her costly crc
dle, it was presented by the king to a family
'.vho munificently entertained Lim while
holding hi.s court at York. This royal
relic, now nearly three and a half centuries
old, is still carefully treasured 03 the Rip
pons of Waterviile, who are lineally descend
ed from the family lo whom the cradle was
given. It is an heir-loom of the house, of
which they are very proud, as memorializing
the visit of the king and his court. It is
kept in a room fitted up in great state, and
L shown to visitors with evident pleasure.
But quaint and curious as is this royal
cradle of so long ago, I saw, in England, a
carriage that interested me far more, It
was the celebrated and curious military car
riage of the great Napoleon, in which he
made the campaign of Russia, and that con
veyed him to the coast on his firt exile. It
was also used by tho great warrior at Elba.
In it he returned to Paris on his restoration
to the throne, and it was this that bore him
to the fatal field of Waterloo, where ended
hi.s wonderful military career.
The carriage was captured on the evening
of the Battle of Waterloo, and sent by the
officers who took it to London, where it was
purchased by the Government by Mr. Bui- 1
lock for the enormous sum of j2.,0(0. Its
exterior is very much like a modern traveling
carriage, the color dark-blue, lmrdered with
srold, and the imperial arms emblazoned on
the paneLs of the dors. All the panels are
bullet-proof, and that at the lower part of
the back is so arranged as to be let down for
th purttoso of removing articles of baggage
without disturbing the occupant.
The doors of the carriage have locks and
bolts; the blinds behind the windows open
and shut by means of springs, and may be
closed so as to form a barrier almost impreg
nable. Outside the windows are roller-blind
of canvas, designed to exclude dampness,
and the light, when desirable.
The wheels, springs, and tires are of pro
digious strength, and the pole is constructed
as a lever that keeps the carriage level on
every kind of road. In front there Ls a great
projection of the body of the carriage, 111
order to make room for inside conveniences,
as well as to throw the driver's seat so far
forward that he can get no view ot the
interior, while those inside can see both tho
road and the horses distinctly.
There is a lamp at each corner of the root ,
nnd also one at the back, capable of brilliantly
lighting up the interior of the coach. But
it Is of the inside, made to serve as office.
bed and dressing room, kitchen and dining-
room, tnai l viu lo ten i".-
The seat Ls divided in the middle, giving
the appearance of two easy arm-chairs, fur
nished with springs and cushions, and the
daintiest of foot-stool5. On ono side hangs
a large silver chronometer, of elalorato
workmanship, and close to the seat a holster
with a pair of double-barreled pistols ; while
on the opposite door are two more hoLsters
containing pistols of larger size. In the
upper portion of the front are many smaller
compartments for books maps, and tele
scopes ; and bsloT the ceiling, is a silken
network, in which were found several articles
of peioonal convenience.
We will supp'VC the great man to hare
hist arisen at his usual early hour, and
: about to make his toilet. He touches a
i pj-ino. and immediately outspreads before
I him a' sort of light shelf, answering tht
purpose of a washstiind, on which are lirxsin
and pi.cbtr, -'p law.-, tooth nnd nail-
orushes, mirror, glafes, and many other
articles, some of which are of silver, some
of gold, nnd all of exquisite make. Having
completed his ablution!", the traveler pushes
back the wash-stand to its niche in the front
projection, and, by touching another spring,
brings before him an elegant toilet-table,
with dressing-cases of mahogany, heavily
bound with gold, and the imperial arms en
graved on the cover. It contains nearly a
hundred articles, most of them of solid gold
more luxuries and convenience, probably,
than were elsewhere ever packed within the
same space. Its arrangement had been
superintended by the Empress, Marie Louise,
in person, and it was her parting gift to her
husband on his departure to Russia.
The toilet-table, when done with, may k-
returned to its place by a gentle push, and
the movement of another spring brings to view
a most convenient writing-table, with its ca
pacious desk, pens, ink, paper, sand, was,
and, indeed, everything that could be needed
i in this line. It was here that was found
Napoleon's celebrated portfolio, with the
private papers that were so er.gerly esaiiilned
by his foes, when the carriage fell into their
Lands.
B.it it is breakfast-lime, and, a va!ct ca
tering at the appointed moment, the escritoire
is exchange- by the touch of another spt ing,
for a table laid with a service of pure gold,
every article of which is superbly embossed
with the imperial arms, and engraved with
the Emperor's favorite ' N." Thcra are
tea and cofiec pots, cream-jug and sugar
bowl, cups, saucers, plates, spoons, knives
and forks, butter-stand nnd toa-t-mck, egg
cups and salts, with the daintiest of datunsk,
and many other articles that I cannot now
recall.
There is a'so . 'iiij :or-.a'.-r.i nn.l compart
ments for clothing, that are opened and
closed in the same way ; and, when the hour
for retiring come, the whole interior of the
coach is transformed into a cosy apartment,
within which is deposited a bedstead of pol
ished steel, with iiiattress j, pillows, nnd
bedding of exquisite -piaHty, and every pcr
sonnl convenience that even a crowned head
could desire. The ljJstcad fold- up. and,
when not in us, is disposed in a r;nu'! box
two and a half feet long, and about four
inches in width and thii-kness, and placed
beneath ih coachman's seat, while the niat-
trtssos and bcMiir' arc sn::ir!y packet! under
; the seat on the insi le.
j All articles I have mentioned, nnd some
! others, still remain with the carriage ; but,
of course, the diamonds and money were
! taken posses-ion of when the wonderful
! e'ji'.ipnge was captured.
I saw alo, at the same tlm? a place.
I desert service of twenty-eight pieces, used
by Napoleon at St. Helena, where he died;
the little camp-bed up n which he slept dur
ing his seven years of exih ; his famous 111;!
i;ary cloak, his gold repealing watch, and
trie identical sword worn in his Egyptian
campaign.
(.'in any more wonderful pieerj of mechan
ism be conceived of than this c-.itious car
riage? Almost a moving palace! Yet, strange
to say, the illustrious owner's downfall
seems to have commenced from the very hour
h i entered upon its use.
noiae One lo Love.
Pet haps one of the most positive proofs
we have of the soul's independence of the
body, is our great need of love and of some
thing to love. 'Were we mere animals
creatures doomed to parish after a few years
of life in this world that which contents
the brute would dso content us. To est and
sleep well, to have an easy time cf it, would
be enough. A it U, we may have all these
.things, and health to enjoy them, and yet be
utterly wretched. Neither can mental food
satisfy us. "Someone to love" is our heart's
cry.
When t'ue atmosphere of tenderness is
about us, we rejoice ; when people are harsh
and unkind, we suffer. We begin life wish
ing to love all people, and believing that
they love us. Experience hardens us. Ojt
dear ones grow fewer ; but, as long as reason
lasts, we must love some one we must at
le:ist imagine that some one loves us. The
parents, sisters nnd brothers that dearest
friend whom we promise to love and cherish
until death parts us these come into our
lives and fiil them up. Afterwards come the
little children frail, helpless babies, who
need our care r-k) much, and friends to whom
vra nre not kin, yet who grotv dear to us.
Some have many loved ones, and some but
one. Heaven help those who have none,
though they are generally to blame for their
empty-heartedness ; for kindness wins love.
They are always wretched, and they often
show their craving for .something to love by
cheilshing.sonie dumb animal a dog, a kit
ten, a parrot, perhnp, on which they lavish
caresses which, better spent, would have
bound some human heart to their.--. Pride,
or morbid sensitiveness, may have been at
the bottom of their loneliness, and these
pets of theirs fill the aching void a little.
Some one to love ! It Ls the cry of the
human soul, the note to which every human
heart responds ; the lwnd which will bind
us all together in that other world where
mourners shall be comforted and love .shall
reign forever.
Copper vessel", placed in Ihc streams of
the richer mining districts of Nevada, ac
cumulate hundreds of dollars' worth of
quicksilver, mingled with gold-dust, upon
their surfaces, in a few months. Owing to
its infinite divisibility, quicksilver exists in
such small particles as to be invisible to the
eye and bouyant in water, and thee parti
cles contain still minnter jrn'jm o"nlJ.
rutting Down Carpet.
THE SAD EXPERIENCE OF A FAMILY MAS.
There are times in the life of a man of
family when he feels like throwing himself
entirely away, never more to 1 heard from :
nnd one of these trying times is when he
has a carpet to lay down, especially if the
carpet is too small for the room, and it
must le made to tit by stretching, and he
has to do the stretching himself.
Smith fell upon trying times last night,
and from my heart I pitied the poor fellow
He laid in a supply of tacks, borrowed a
hammer from Ids landlady, and went to
work after supper. The carpet was unrolled
and Smith noticed its shortcoming. He
figured up the length and breadth of the
room, then of the carpet. It was nonr nine
o'clock before he rendu d anything like a
correct estimate of the fitness of his carpet
for his room. His wife added her knowledge
of arithmetic to his own scanty store, and
between them the prohlen vas solved, and
preparations made to make a lGxlS carpet
fit a l!)x20 room.
Smith spread ov.t the woolen planter in
one corner and coinmcr.ecd to tack down.
The first tack turned 01 er !eforethc hammer
reached it, and Smitu stuck a mashed finder
in his mouth, perhaps ,e parent that organ ,
irom gr.ing utterance 10 a wen- leveiopeu
" cuss-word." Ti:e next tack went home,
ind then Smith stretched the carpet for
another d;;ve. Finally, the carpet was fast
in one corner, and then Smith bethought
himself to tack it in another corner. Mov
ing a couple of heavy trunks, turning over
the wash-stand and breaking the bowl and
pitcher, did net dter him in his purpose.
Smith N a ma of firtii resolutive.
When Smith had worn a!! the skin off his
fingers' stretching one ide, his wife discov
ered that he had tin'ked down the wrong
side. The double process of ripping up the
carpet and ripping out Sunday -choo! words
was here instituted, nnd now the thing went
dewn right. The carpet-laying business
was going on swimmingly ; rMintli was ham
mering' away lappily. whistling "Down on
the carpet yon must knovl ; " the children
were playing all sorts of didos ; the wife
wr.s strainmc; her weak brick trying to move
the hurcari out of the w.iy, when a siiese
comes up front the lnndie.dy saying that, as
ther- ws a si k ItoariU r
Lhe nvxt room,
and company in the parlor underneath, le-s
noise would to highly appreciated. To
comply with her request, Smith tied one of
his wife's stocking over the face of the
hammer, and attempted t d.'ive home the
tacks; but the bet stocking his wife ever
had (so she said) soon preei:t-id the appear
ance of having "ee:i ch.rwed by hungry rat--.
Smith's wife saw ho'v her property was
being destroyed, and laid an embargo on
the proceeding, ami a hot shoiel on Smith,
head. Tl'en Smith tried r. new plan.
He started the luck with his thunih, then
hit it lightly with the hammer; then he'd
wait a while as if for the musical eciio to
die nwy before he would give it another
lick. During thee charming intervals Smith
mentally caieu!:iied (- w long it would take
him to put down the carpet nt that rare
He found that ic would take h'ua iust two ;
weeks, including Sundavs. Here he rested
trom i: ". iaior. lie sciatci.e-i nis iiei.u a
t,i.v 11-. ..-..,t..l Vi'.-l.o'wi 0...1
bawled at the children. Eureka ! He re
solved upon a new departure one good lick
to each tack, and hi.s wife to give tbe rest
when the sick lioaider got well. It was a
enpjfal idea, nnd rrsujifi; rtiit it into execution I
ct once, forgetting to let his wife know any-
thing il tout it until the job was done. The
idea worked we'd ; he got three tides of the
room done in a ji2y. But when he went to
stretch the carpet preparatory to nailing it
down on trie fourth side, the half-driven
tacks broke loose from their mooring", and
the tortured carpet went adrift. It vvrs
really too bad !
Smith sat down on his wife!? toilet -et,
and wept nit bncar.se he wished the rarpet
somewhere elce, bat because he wr-s tired.
The children, bless their dear souls ? took in
the situation at r. glance, and sympathized
with their dear pr'pa by turuiiig over the
centre table on his pit com. But, I said
before, Smith was a man of firm resolution.
lie did not howl wi:n pain over t.ie cn::ini!t3'
that had befallen his c irn
nor rive that as
an excuse f,r letting the carpet nlor.e. as
... ,. . , 1
uiunv i oiiu jiiirciii o;ii:i uoii uuniT
similar circumstances ; but he took vp r.a
idle razor-strop, and the way he caressed the
round places on his oldest b -v's body was a
r... ,i."i r
Fight to see. Ihen lie went IxicJtto his work
fa , . . , ,. lT
somew hat recuperated hy the diversion. He
retacked the broken-loose carpet with two
licks to the tack, regardless of noise and tho
sick boarder. Again the three sides we:e
attached to the floor, and an attempt was
made to stretch the fourth side into position.
But it wouldn't stretch Worth a cent. The
more Smith would pull, the less the carpet
would come ; and when he did et it right,
the plaguey tack would turn over before he
could get his hand on the hammer Smith
licgan to get excited. The piano in the
parlor beneath struck up the tuue ' I'm
Dying, Egypt, Dying ;"' nnd if there Ls
anything in this world that Smith doesrealby
despise, it is tvr.t. It was enough to drive
him crazy ; but in the firnme-s of his 1 evo
lution Le hammered his tacks, mashed his
fingers, and smothered his oaths in silence.
Just about 2 o'clock in the morning he got
up, stretched his cramped lind, yawned,
and announced the job completed. lie laid
down nnd slept an hour. Then be awoke,
and looked nt his last night's adventure.
The carpet was on the floor he knew that
much ; and if the stripes looked like a row
of crooked rivers, he didn't care he had
done his best .
'Twasabad night's work for Smith. Thn
neighbors called in, and not a soul of theirt
went away without expressing admiration
of the way in which the job was done ; nnd.
besides, tbey nil cx:iettd from Mrs, Smith a
promise that when they got their new car
pet, Smith should ly it for thm. I saw
Smith this morning en route for the depot.
He said he wr.s going to the Spring. What
a man of his health wants at the Sprirg
this cold wetithcr, is more than I cau conjecture.
A. Cooperstcwner on Soils.
1"
An afflicted person in Cooperstown, New
York, writes to the Plainfield Register the
following little piece about a Job that was
put up on him. It is funny for eveiy one
but him :
Dear Registeh Useless I useless ! If
I've tried once I have n dozen times to sit
down and write you a regular old scalp
peeler and eky scraper of a letter.
It isn't that I love Caesar less I meant
it itm't that I am unable to do the mental
part of the proposition beautifully, but it is
that I am unable to sit down.
How common tbe wi itten sentence ; I sit
down to pen a few lies I mean lines, etc.
But bow much UDwrittsn anguish may re-
Mt from th(j attempt ,
How gladly I would say it if I could: It
is with pleasure, dear Register, that I sit
down to announce to you the arrival of a
boy, etc.
But, good qo, how can I?
The thought of sitting down makes me
boil.
Tbe thought, of th boil prevents ray pit
ting. Tbe fact of th boil makes mo mad.
And the act of sitting makes me leap liko
unto a hurried fcky-rocket.
Why, my love, I haven't at down in flv
wstk? or in anything else to stay '.
I am a rrost miserable, miserable man.
Along at first I tried to do my writing
for the Atlantic Monthly (ssh!) at my desk,
but becoming absorbed in thoughts of those
things that are before, and forgetting those
things which arc behind, I would pull for-
j ward my tall desk 6tool and settle. Then
; I would unsettle, quick.
I And there-would follow a prolonged and
dismal howl cf pain, a wildtrampir.g to and
fro ; or.e arm waiving like our banner in tho
sky and the other holding the pantaloon
away f.onithe young volcano.
So behold me now, supported tinder my
arms by my Revolutionary grandmother's
quilting frames, which reach from piano to
mantle r ie-ce ; with a pair of light summer
tiousrrs on, which are kept distended and
away fiom that boi! by a fibh hock, a cord
and a staple in the wail ail drawn taut.
And yet I am not happy.
. Why, if U. S. Treasnir Spinner should
i say to me, "Here, George, sit down on this
! half cord of gieenbacks, and they aro
i yours," I should answer, "Go 'way, Spin
'j ner ; I don't wai t your ducats. I am n t
j hungry. 'Tnl to your own knitting, I
t know my business."
My wife says my affliction ought to de-
i TloPe relijioti tendency that may lay
aorniant in n:e. rne 1 ninths 11 nas. lnius
earlier stages of my sufferings she says sho
aweke one silent night and heard me, she
was sure, quoting Sciiptura and Watts'
hymns.
Lord love her.' but I wasn't, you know.
t 1 was oo;ng the other tiling, f. r., reciting
from profane history from that part
I where the D-amoi ites ponied led hot
pitch down upon the damsels who crossed
tbe dam just where the lordly Tiber was
dam'd near the gates of Hellespont.
"George," said she softly, sometime af
terward, "George, I am afraid I was mis
taken the other night. I now believe that
i your language, which I hopefully and joy
! fully thought to be the expression of con
! trite and grsce-serking soul, wasswearingl
I Why, oh why, dear, dost thou not think
! more often of redemption and your lattsr
! end"
I "Thnrdcr, irmdam V I screamed, "yon
; don't know what you are talking about.
I Think of my la'ter end ! I'm always thmk
j ing of it. I couldn't forget it if I was steep
ed iu oblivion, or surrounded with cotton
I bales
W hy, I was telhug a funny story
"apar,;. P
tome, and he says : 'Old man, that was a
1
. . ... . . ' j 1 ...
bully thing; you ought to be a minister,
you ought. You could make a congrega
tion cry by tellin' of 'era a joke,' and then
be f lapr ea me on tlie tnigh on that thigh,
woman 011 which Ann Gr.ish and Miss Err
, . . , , - , 3
'. hold a first mortgage ! Think of redemp-
; tion j xv ,lTf female, did you give half tLo
! attention to keeping the lumps out of my
poultices that I do in pondering on the ef-
fusions of that old Bible scholar, Job, who
used to soar so in blank verse, you'd bo a
better and a richer wife !"
Withered, she wopr.
I was softened. I could not fee tbosa
tears unnoved. What male man could?
I appfuched her as she sat rocking to and
fro in Tier chair.
"Deareet," I murmured, "why thoso
"weejs? Don't cry. I a m sorry I said any
thing when I spoke. Too bad, too bat t
I am a Irate, a bear, burglar, a dentist,
a dishonest thief. Forgive me me who
would not give your heait a pang for the
whole round world. Let's kisand forget,
ducky," and I plajfally at down on her
lap. She Lkd a bunch of keys, a drawer
knob, and a smelling bottle in her pocket.
I sat dowr on thcte.
On those I sat.
On the bottle, ihe knob, the keys, t n
dowu.
Smsll ' u active hoys jeer at me through
the window. I have do peace. I am a
wreck.
I would not liv6 alwar.
I wouldn't it I could :
But ti ere ain't no nso or ta'.klur.
For 1 couldn't if 1 would.
Ckosok.
it