16 And off it drops, a black bundle that rolls for twenty yards. OGOSCCOSGCOSCOOeOSOSOOOSOOSOSOOOaZOSOSOSOOQGOOSGOOOO^ I "LABOR, TRADE I J AND CAPITAL" 112 | By O. HENRY | Gsooceaoscocoacoccocccosoozyso&oonoccosGcoosoososcosoS (Copyright, by Joseph B. Bowles.) Across our two dishes of spaghetti, In a corner of Provenzano's restau rant, Jeff Peters was explaining to me the three kinds of graft. Every winter Jeff conies to New York to eat spaghetti, to watch the shipping in East river from the depths of his chinchilla overcoat, and to lay In a supply of Chicago-made clothing at one of the Pulton street stores. During the other three seasons he way he found further west —his range is from Spokane to Tampa. In his profession he takes a pride which he supports and defends with a serious and unique philosophy of ethics. His profession is no now one. He is an incorporated, uncapitalized, unlimited for the reception of the rest- Jess and unwise dollars of his fellow mon. In the wilderness of stone in which Jell seeks his annual lonely holiday lie is glad to palaver of his many ad ventures, as a boy will whistle after sundown in a wood. Wherefore, I mark on my calendar the time of his coming, and open a question of privi lege at Provenzano's concerning the little wine-stained table in the corner between the rakish rubber plant and the framed palazzio della something on the wall. "There are two kinds of grafts," eaid Jeff, "that ought to be wiped out by law. I mean Wall street specula tion, and burglary." "Nearly everybody will agree with you as to one of them," said 1, with a laugh. "Well, burglary ought to be wiped out, too," said Jeff; and I wondered whether the laugh had been redun dant. "About three months ago," said Jeff, "it was my privilege to become familiar with a sample of each of the aforesaid branches of illegitimate art. I was sine qua grata with a member of the housebreakers' union and one of the John D. Napoleons of finance at the same time." "Interesting combination," said I, with a yawn. "Did I tell you I bagged a duck and a ground-squirrel at one shot last week over in the Ramapos?" 1 knew well how to draw Jeff's stories. "Let me tell you first about these barnacles that clog the wheels of so ciety by poisoning the springs of rec titude with their upas-like eye," said Jeff, with the pure gleam of the muck raker in his own. "As I said, three months ago I got into had company. There are two times in a man's life when he does this—when he's dead broke, and when he's rich. "Now and then the most legitimate business runs out. of luck. It was out in Arkansas I made the wrong turn at a cross-road, and drives into this town of Peavine by mistake. It seems I had 112 I ready assaulted the disfigured Peavine the spring of the year be fore. 1 had sold S6OO worth of young fruit, trees there— plums, cherries, peaches and pears. The Peavir.ers were keeping an eye on the country road and hoping I might pass that way agfin. I drove down Main street as far as the Crystal Palace drug store before I realized I had commit ted embush upon myseif and my white horse Pill. "The Peaviners took me by sur prise and Bill by the bridle and began a conversation that wasn't entirely disassociated with the subject of fruit trees. A committee of 'em ran some trace chains through the armholes of my vest, and escorted me through their gardens and orchards. "Their fruit trees hadn't lived up to their labels. Most of 'em had turned out to be persimmons and dog woods, with a grove or (wo of black jacks and poplars. The only one that showed any signs of bearing anything was a fine young cottonwood that had put forth a hornet's nest and half of an old corset-cover. "The Peaviners protracted our fruit less stroll to the edge of town. They took my watch and money on ac count; and they kept Hill and the •wagon as hostages. They said the first time one of them dogwood trees put forth an Amsden's June peach I fejiSlit come back and get my things. Then they took off the trace chain and jerked their thumbs in the direc tion of the Rocky mountains; and I struck a Lewis and Clark lope for the swollen rivers and impenetrable for ests. "When I regained conscientiousness I. found myself walking into an un identified town on the A., T. & S. F. railroad. The Peaviners hadn't left anything in my pockets except a plug of chewing—they wasn't after my life —cni' that saved it. I bit. off a chunk ane sits down on a pile of ties by the track to recogitate my sensations of thought and perspicacity. "And then along comes a fast freight which slows up a little at the town; and off of it drops a black bun dle that rolls for 20 yards in a cloud of dust and then gets up and begins to spit soft coal and interjections. I see it is a young man, broad across the face, dressed more for Pullmans than freights, and with a cheerful kind of smile in spite of it all that made Phoebe Snow's job look like a chimney-sweep's. '• 'Fall off?' says I. "'Nunk,' says he. 'Got off. Arrived at my destination. What town is this?* " 'Haven't looked it uu on the map yet,' says I. 'I got in about five min utes befo-o you did. How does it Ltrike you?' " 'Hard,' says he, twisting one of his arms around. 'I believe that shoulder —no, it's all right.' "fie stocps over to brush the dust off his clothes, when out of his pocket drops a fine, nine-inch burglar's steel jimmy. He picks it up and looks at ine sharp, and then grins and holds out his hand. " 'Brother,' says he, 'greetings. Didn't I see you in southern Missouri last summer selling colored sand at half-a dollar a tcaspoonful to put into lamps to keep the oil from exploding?' " 'Oil, says I, 'never explodes. It's the gas that forms that explodes.' But I shakes hands with him, anyway. '• 'My name's Bill Bassett,' says he to me, 'and if you'll call it professional pride instead of conceit, I'll inform you that you have the pleasure of meeting the best burglar t"iat ever set a gum-shoe on ground drained by the Mississippi river.' "Well, me and this Bill Bassett sits on the ties and exchanges brags as artists in kindred lines will do. It see ma he didn't have a cent, either, and we went into close caucus. He explained why an able burglar some times haa to travel on freights by telling me that a servant girl had played him false in Little Rock, and ho was making a quick get-away. " 'lt's part of my business,' says Bill Bassett, 'to play up to the ruf fles when 1 want to make a riffle as a Raffles. 'Tis loves that makes the bit go 'round. Show me a house with the pwag in it and a pretty parlor-maid, and you might as well call the silver melted down and sold, and me spell ing truffles and that Chateau trick on the napkin under my chin, while the police are calling it an inside job just because the old lady's nephew teaches a Bible class. I first make an imjrres sion on the girl,' says Bill, 'and when she lets me inside I make an impres sion on the locks. But this one in Little Rock done me,' says he. 'She saw me taking a trolley ride with an other girl, and when I came 'round on the night she was to leave the door open for me it was fast. And I had keys made for the doors upstairs. But, no sir. She had sure cut off my locks. She was a Delilah,' says Bill Bassett. "JJ seems that Bill tried to break in anyhow with his jimmy, but the girl emitted a succession of bravura noises like the top-riders of a tally-ho. and Bill had to take all the hurdles between there and the depot. As he had no baggage they tried hard to check his departure, but he made a train that was just pulling out. " 'Well,' says Bill Bassett, when we had exchanged memoirs of our dead lives, 'I could eat. This town don't look like it was kept under a Yale lock. Suppose we commit some mild atrocity that will bring in temporary expense .money. I don't suppose CAMERON COUNTY PRESS, THURSDAY, DECEMBER 12, 1907. you've brought along any hair tonic or rolled gold watch chains, or similar law-defying swindles that you could sell on the plaza to the pikers of the jaretic populace, have you?' " 'No,' says I, 'I left an elegant line of Patagonian diamond earrings and rain>-day sunbursts in my valise at Peavine. But they're to stay there till some of them blackgum traes begin to glut the market with yellow clings and Japanese plums. I reckon we can't, count on them unless we take Luther Burbank in for a partner.' " 'Very well,' says Bassett, 'we'll do the best we can. Maybe after dark I'll borrow a hairpin from some lady, and open the Farmers & Drovers Ma rine bank with it.' "While we was talking, up pulls a passenger train to the depot nearby. A person in a high hat gets off on the wrong side of the train and comes tripping down the track towards us. He was a little, fat man with a big nose and rat's eyes, but dressed ex pensive, and carrying a band-satchel careful, as if it had eggs or railroad bonds In it. He passes by us and keeps on down the track, not appear ing to notice the town. " 'Come on,' says Bill Bassett to me, starting after him. "'Where?' I asks. "'Lordy!' says Bill, 'had you for got you was in the desert? Didn't you see Col. Manna drop down right be fore your eyes? Don't you hear the rustling of Gen. Raven's wings? I'm surprised at you, Elijah.' "We overtook the stranger in the edge of some woods, and, as it was after sundown and in a quiet place, nobody saw us stop him. Bill takes the silk hat off his head and brushes it w.'th his sleeve and puts it back. " 'What does this mean, sir?' says the man. " 'When I wore one of these,' says Bill, 'and felt embarrassed, I always done that. Not having one now I had to use yours. 1 hardly know how to begin, sir, in explaining our busi ness with you, but I guess we'll try your pockets first.' "Bill Bassett felt in all of them, and looked disgusted. " 'Not even a watch,' says he. 'Ain't you ashamed of yourself, you whited sculpture? Going about dressed like a head-waiter, and financed like a count. You haven't even got carfare. What did you do with your transfer?' "The man speaks up and says he has no assets or valuables of any sort. Hut Bassett takes his hand-satchel and opens it. Out comes some collars and socks and half a page of a news paper clipped out. Bill reads the clip pings careful, and holds out his hand to the held-up party. "'Brother,' says he, 'greetings! Accept the apologies of friends. I am Hill Bassett, the burglar. Mr. Peters, you must make the acquaintance of Mr. Alfred E. Ricks. Shake hands. Mr. Peters,' says Bill, 'stands about halfway between me and you, Mr. Ricks, in the line of havoc and cor ruption. He always gives something for the money he gets. I'm glad to meet you, Mr. Ricks —you and Mr. Peters. This is the first time I ever attended a full gathering of the na tional synod of sharks —housebreak- ing, swindling and financiering all rep resented. Please examine Mr. Ricks' credentials, Mr. Peters.' "The piece of newspaper that Bill Bassett handed me had a good picture c.f this Ricks on it. It was a Chicago paper, and it had obloquies of Ricks in every paragraph. By reading it ever I harvested the intelligence that said alleged Ricks had laid off all that portion of the state of Florida that lies under water Into town lots and sold 'em to alleged innocent investors from his magnificently furnished of fices in Chicago. After he had taken in a hundred thousand or so dollars one of these fussy purchasers that are always making trouble (I've had 'em actually try gold watches I've sold em with acid) took a cheap excursion down to the land where it is always just before supper to look at his lot and see if it didn't need a new paling or two on the fence, and market a few lemons in time for the Christinas present, trade. He hires a surveyor to find his lot for him. They run the line out and find the flourishing town of .paradise Hollow, so advertised, to be about 40 rods and 1G poles S., 27 degrees E. of the middle of Lake Okeechobee. This man's lot was un der "6 feet of water, and, besides, had been preempted so long by the alli gators and gars that bis title looked fishy. "Naturally, the man goes back to Chicago and makes it as hot for Al fred E. Ricks as the morning after a prediction of snow by the weather bureau. Ricks defied the allegation, but he couldn't deny the alligators. .One morning the papers come out with a column about it, and Rfcks comes out by the fire-escape. It seems the alleged authorities had beat him to the safe-deposit box where he kept his winnings, and Ricks has to west ward ho! with only feetwear and a dozen 15% English pokes in his shop ping bag. He happened to have some mileage left In kis book, and that took him as far as the town in the wilderness where he was spilled out on me and Bill Bassett as Elijah 111, with net a raven in sight for any of us. "Then this Alfred E. Ricks lefcs out a squeak that he is hungry, too, and passes up the hypothesis that he is good for the value, let alone the price, of a meal. And so, there was the three of us, representing, if we had a mind to draw syllogisms and parabo las, labor and trade and capital. Now, when trade has no capital there isn't a dicker to be made. And when capi tal has no money there's a stagnation in steak and onions. That put it up to the man with the jimmy. " 'Brother bushrangers,' sajs Bill Bassett, 'never yet, in trouble, did I desert a pal. Hard by, In yon wood, I seem to see unfurnished lodgings. Let us go there and wait till dark.' "There was an old, deserted cabin In tiitj grove, and we three took pos session of it. After dark Bill Bassett tells us to wait, and goes out for half an hour. Ho comes back with a arm ful of bread and sparcribs and pies. " 'Panhandled 'eni at a farmhouse on Washita avenue,' says he. 'Eat, drink, and be leary.' "The full moon was coming up bright, so we sat on the floor of the cabin ana ate in the light of it. Aud this Hill Bassett begins to brag. " 'Sometimes,' says he, with his mouth full of country produce. 'I lose all patience with you people that think you are higher up in the profes sion than I am. Now, what could either of you do in the present emer gency to set us on our feet again? Could you do it, Ricksy?' " 'I must confess, Mr. Bassett,' says Ricks, speaking nearly inaudible out of a slice of pie, 'that at this immedi ate juncture I could not, perhaps, pro mote an enterprise to relieve the sit uation. Large operations, such as I direct, naturally require careful prep aration in advance. I —* "'I know, Ricksy,' breaks in Bill Bassett. 'You needn't finish. You need SSOO to make the first payment on a blonde typewriter, and four roomsful of quartered oak furniture. And you need SSOO more for advertis ing contracts. And you need two weeks' time for the fish to begin to bite. Your line of relief would be about as useful in an emergency as advocating municipal ownership to cure a man suffocated by 80-cent gas. And your graft ain't much swifter Brother Peters,' he winds up. " 'Oh,' says I, 'I haven't seen you turn anything into gold with your wand yet, Mr. Good Fairy. 'Most any body could rub the magic ring for a little left-over victuals.' " 'That was only getting the pump kin ready,' says Bassett, braggy and cheerful. 'The coach and six'll drive up to the door before you know it, Miss Cinderella. Maybe you've got some scheme under your sleeve-hold ers that will give us a start.' " 'Son,' says I, 'l'm fifteen years older than you are, and young enough to yet take out an endowment policy. I've been broke before. We can see the lights of that town not half a mile away. I learned under Montague Sil ver, the greatest street man that ever spoke from a wagon. There are hun dreds of men walking those streets this moment with grease spots on their clothes. Give me a gasoline lamp, a dry goods box, and a two-dol lar bar of white castile soap, cut into little ' " 'Where's your two dollars?' snick ered Bill Bassett into my discourse. There was no use arguing with that burglar. "'No,' he goes on; 'you're both babes-in-the-wood. Finance has closed the mahogany desk, and trade has put the shutters up. Bum of you look to labor to start the wheels going. All right. You admit it. To-night I'll show you what Bill Bassett can do.' " 'Bassett tells me and Ricks not to leave the cabin till he comes back, even if it's daylight, and then he starts off toward town, whistling say." "This Alfred E. Ricks pulls off his shoes and his coat, lays a silk hand kerchief over his hat, and lays down on the floor. " 'I think I will endeavor to secure a little slumber,' he squeaks. 'The day has been fatiguing. Good-night, my dear Mr. Peters.' " 'My regards to Morpheus,' says I. 'I think I'll sit up a while.' "About two o'clock, as near as I could guess by my watch in Peavine, home comes our laboring man and kicks up Ricks, and calls us to the streak of bright moonlight shining in Packages of SI,OOO each. the cabin door. Then he spreads out five packages of SI,OOO each on the floor, and begins to cackle over the nest-egg like a hen. " 'l'll tell you a few things about that town,' says he. 'lt's named Rocky Springs, and they're building a Masonic temple, and it looks like the Democratic candidate for mayor is going to get soaked by a Pop, and ' Judge Tucker's wife, who has been down with pleurisy, is some better. I had to talk on these liliputian thesises before I could get a siphon in the fountain of knowledge that I was after. And there's a bank there called the Lumberman's Fidelity and Plow man's Savings Institution. It closed for business yesterday with $23,000 cash on hand. It will open this morn ing with SIB,OO0 —all silver —that's the reason I didn't bring more. There ; • i are, trade and capital. Now, will ; is be bad?' My young friend,' says Alfred i.iL :s, holding up his hands, 'have you robbed this bank? Dear me, dear me!' " 'You couldn't call It that,' says Bassett. ' "Robbing" sounds harsh. All I had to do was to find out what strei# it was on. That town is so quiet that I could stand on the corner and hear the tumblers clicking in that safe lock—"right to 45; left twice to 80; right once to GO; left to 15" —as plain as the Yale captain giving orders in the football dialect. Now, boys,' says Bassett, 'this is an early rising town. They tell me the citizens are all up and stirring before daylight. I asked what for, and they said be cause breakfast was ready at that time. And what of merry Robin Hood? It must be Yoicks! and away with the tinkers' chorus. I'll stake you. How much do you want? Speak up, Capital.' " 'My dear young friend,' says this ground squirrel of a Ricks, standing on his hind legs and juggling nuts in his paws, 'I have friends in Denver who would assist me. If I had a hun dred dollars I—' "Bassett unpins a package of the currency and throws five twenties to Ricks. " 'Trade, how much?' he says to me. " 'Put your money up, Labor,' says I. 'I never yet drew upon honest toil for its hard-earned pittance. The dol lars I get are surplus ones that are V U j/%. a® /&. - "Well, bj-glary ought to be wiped out, too." burning the pockets of damfools and greenhorns. When I stand on a street corner and sell a solid gold dia mond ring to a yap for three dollars, I make just $2.60. And I know he's going to give it to a girl in return for all the benefits accruing from in the form ol cottage pudding with wine sauce. "Of course I was among the first to buy chips at Bill Bassett's game. He had bought the only cards there was to be had in town; and I knew the back of every one of them teetter than I know the back of my head when tha barber shows me my haircut in tha two mirrors. "When the game closed I had the six thousand and a few odd dollars, and all Bill Bassett had was the wander lust and a black cat ie had bought fox a mascot. Bill shook hands with ma when I left. " 'Brother Peters,' says he, 'I have no business being in business. I was preordained to labor. When a No. 1 burglar tries to make a James out oi his jimmy he perpetrates an impro fundity. You have a well-oiled and efficacious system of luck at cards,' says he. 'Peace go with you.' And 1 never afterward sees Bill Bassett again." "Well, Jeff," said I, when the Auto lycan adventurer seemed to have di vulged the gist of his tale, "I hope you took care of the money. That would be a respecta—that is a considerable working capital if you should choose some day to settle down to some sort of regular business." "Me?" said Virtuously. "You ean bet I've taken care of that six thousand." He tapped his coat over the region of his chest exultantly. "Gold mining stock," he explained, "every cent of it. Shares par value one dollar. Bound togo up 500 pet cent, within a year. Non-assessable, The Blue Gopher mine. Just discov ered a month ago. Better get in your self if you've any spare dollars on hand." "Sometimes," said I, "these mine< are not —" "Oh, this one's solid as an old goose," said Jeff. "Fifty thousand dol lars' worth of ore in sight, and ten per cent, monthly earnings guaran teed." He drew a long envelope from his pocket and cast it on the table. "Always carry it with me," said he. "So the burglar can't carrupt err the capitalist break in and water it." I looked at the beautifully engraved certificate of stock. "In Colorado, I see," said I."And, by the way, Jeff, what was the name of the little man who went to Denver —the one you and Bill met at the sta tion?" "Alfred E. Ricks," said Jeff, "was the toad's designation." "I see," said I, "the president of this mining company signs himself A. L. Fredericks. I was wondering—" "Let me see that stock," said Jefl quickly, almost snatching it from me. To mitigate, even though slightly, the embarrassment of the moment 1 summoned the waiter and ordered an' other bottle of the Barbera. I thought it was the least I could do.