ANDRUSS,
ANTI
MASHER
By WM. HAMILTON OSBORNE.
CVER since its birth, and up to a
year or two ago, Bellport, as a
city, had been noted for its
proper tendencies. It was a
large but old-fashioned place and it be
haved itself. Latterly, however, its in
crease in importance had brought into
it a multitude of strangers. Some of
these strangers were desirable—others
unmistakably the reverse.
One of the old citizens of the place
known to everybody was Mr. Andrew
Andruss. He was not particularly old
in years, but he was old in virtue. He
possessed all the requisite qualities of a
genteel old maid. He was vigorous,
however, and, naturally, he was a crank.
But Bellport tolerated him.
Mr. J. Warner Trevelyan, on the other
hand, was a newcomer, known to but
few. Mr. Andruss and Mr. Trevelyan,
diametric opposites as they were, had
never met. There was no reason why
they should.
Trevelyan was a good all round sort
of a man; some people might have called
him a sport; he certainly was free and
easy. He was also handsome.
Mr. Andrew Andruss, the native, had
lived in Bellport just forty years, and
Mr. Trevelyan, the outlander, just forty
days, when Bellport held up for discus
sion a tremendous problem.
Mr. Andruss began the agitation, for
he was a public-minded citizen, and a
public-minded citizen is very apt to agi
tate the public upon all vices save his
own. Mr. Andruss had been the cause
of several uprisings in the interest of
law and order. He did not smoke, there
fore in years past he had begun crusades
against liquor and cigarettes. He never
had owned an automobile or a fast horse,
therefore he was careful to denounce
both. So from time to time he kept
the public mind agog.
His latest outburst, it may be, was
well justified—it was a crusade against
mashing. The term "mashing" is one
well recognized and it has its place in
literature. But it had no place in Bell
port, so declared Mr. Andruss and his
followers—for they never had indulged
in the pernicious habit This habit, so
declared Mr. Andruss, had been im
ported into Bellport; it was a device of
the Philistines. Andruss made a public
matter of it, and called a meeting of
'bft . fi.tivpnc nf tV»o tnvvn
both male and fema»c.
He presided. "Ladies and gentleman,"
he began, "fellow citizens of the city of
Bellport, a grievous evil has arisen in
our midst, due, as I am assured, to the
pernicious habits of outsiders—l refer to
the disreputable custom of mashing. It
is our purpose to adopt measures to
wipe this evil from the face of the earth.
It is an evil that the police are unable
and unwilling to eradicate. The remedy
lies with us and with all true gentlemen.
It is our purpose, therefore, to form
this night the Bellport Society for the
Promotion of Propriety."
These remarks were received with en
thusiasm. The society was duly formed
with Mr. Andruss as its president. Its
members were of all classes, many of
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them clergymen and law-and-order
leaguers. It was a salutary movement.
The members agreed to take the law
into their own hands, and personally to
turn offenders over to the law, or to ad
minister personal chastisement The
women present agreed to do their part—
though from the appearance of the ma
jority of the fair sex present, it is doubt
ful whether any of them had received
more than their quota erf masculine at
tention.
But there was a difficulty in the way.
"We must consider one thing," continued
Mr. Andruss, "and that is, that there are
some benighted young women who pre
fer the attentions of these mashers. As
our offices necessarily must be confined
to those who resent such attentions, there
must be some means by which the lambs
may be distinguished from the sheep.
We, therefore, ladies and gentlemen,
have caused to be manufactured these
beautiful buttons, which shall be dis
tributed broadcast among the men and
women of the city. While it is generally
easy to determine whether the attentions
of a niasher are resented, or otherwise,
yet in a doubtful case, this button will
decide. This button may, nay, will, be
worn by any young woman who prefers
to have it known that she desires the
protection of the Society. The button
.may be worn also by males, thus in
forming females that protection is at
hand. This, we believe, will prevent
mashers from pursuing their nefarious
practices."
The button was a somewhat conspicu
ous white, celluloid affair, and upon it
were inscribed these words:
"I BELONG TO BELLPORT
SOCIETY OF PROMOTION
OF PROPRIETY. DOWN
WITH THE MASHERS."
In a day or two all Bellport was in
terested in the scheme. Case after case
was reported in the newspapers of some
husky young clergyman or other upright
citizen who, by the might of right and
strength, had smashed some masher.
These men were heroes.
The only difficulty seemed to be that
frequently a young woman found sev
eral men looking at her intently—men
who, prima facie, were nothing less than
masher; but later she observed that each
of these men wore the anti-mashing but
ton, and then she knew at once, that in
looking at her so intently they were not
mashers, but members trying to deter
mine whether she were one who rightly
came under their protection.
Andruss was muscular. In times past
he had led crusades against saloons with
-v?£i£i i'-'pd Oiiink. m tir. wia,
certainly was all there when it came to
doing things. But unfortunately, no op
portunity had yet arisen by which he
might distinguish himself as a Promoter
of Propriety, although he kept his eyes
wide open.
But his opportunity came at last. One
evening at the hour of midnight he
boarded a trolley car on his way home.
The car was well filled but not crowded.
All the seats, however, were taken. He
was the only passenger who stood, and
he had a good opportunity, therefore, to
keep his eye upon the other occupants
who sat. Suddenly he started.
"By George," he exclaimed profanely,
"look at that!" All this lie said merely
to himself.
, Well might he exclaim. For upon one
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side of the car there sat a man whom
Mr. Andruss would have called a fiend
in human shape. This fiend was a hand
some young man, dressed in the height
of fashion. He looked something like
| a sport. And this man was doing noth
ing more nor less than smiling into the
face of a pretty woman, young and very
attractive, who sat across the way.
Every time she met his glance she
slightly flushed, but the young man kept
011 smiling.
This young man was Mr. J. Warner
j Trevelyan, but to Mr. Andruss he was
unknown.
Andruss, in order to make 110 mistake,
watched his operations for a few mo
ments; the fellow; was persistent. He
waited until the young woman looked
once more in his direction, and then lie
boldly winked at her. The young woman,
aware that Mr. Andruss and others in
the car were watching her, flushed tip
again. Mr. Andruss moved a step nearer
to tile scene of operations. Then he
breathed a sigh of relief. For in a con
spicuous place upon the woman's dress
was the beautiful button of Promoters
of Propriety. This meant that the young
woman resented the familiarity of the
man across the way and that she was in
need of help. And Mr. Andruss was
ready to give it. lie stepped up to the
young man and regarded him sternly.
The young man did not seem to see him.
Instead, he kept his eyes fastened upon
the girl across the way.
"Sir," exclaimed Mr. Andruss sternly,
"you're a scoundrel!"
Mr. J. Warner Trevelyan sniffed the
I air. Then he turned aside his head.
"Such a lot of drunks on the cars nowa
days," he murmured to the man next
to him. The man next to him, who did
not care to be mixed up in anything,
failed to make reply.
Mr. Trevelyan threw back his over
coat somewhat carelessly. As he did so
Mr. Andruss gasped with astonishment.
For there, displayed upon the lapel of
the young masher was another button
of the anti-mashers. Mr. Andruss' im
patience then knew no bounds. For the
young gentleman, boldly displaying this
button to advantage and utterly ignoring
Mr. Andruss, again winked upon the
young lady and slightly motioned with
his head.
"You—you—you hypocrite," yelled Mr.
Andruss, advancing in a rage upon the
young man and tearing from his coat
the button; "you ungodly scoundrel—
fiend in human shape!" Then and there
he set upon and beat the young man
about the head, and immediately there
was a furore in the car of the most ex
■ • 1
ciung KIIIU.
The young man, whose hat had been
knocked off but who otherwise had been
uninjured, immediately jumped to re
gain his headgear, and in that unguarded
moment Andruss was again upon him.
The young man was peaceably inclined,
but Andruss was not.
"You—you loafer!" lie shouted to the
other.
"If you weren't drunk," replied the
young man calmly, "I'd knock you
down." Andruss was not drunk, and the
passengers who knew him knew that he
was not. Andruss therefore called upon
the citizens for aid. The citizens, many
of them members of the society, started
into render it. But the young man was
able to a large extent to take care of
himself. He parried blows and tripped
up men wth wonderful impartiality. He
seemed to enjoy the thing. But they
were too much for him. Finally he had
to yield. They pushed him up into the
corner of the car, and a half dozen men
seized him.
As they hustled him out of the car he
shouted out to somebody in a loud voice.
But the crowd never heeded his cries.
They hauled him out and down the
steps, and the car went on.
As it went on, the young lady, who
had been in a great state of excitement,
now burst into tears and littered inco
herent things.
As for Trevelyan, he was locked up j
overnight, and every anti-masher an 1!
promoter of propriety promised to l)e 011
hand to prosecute him in the morning.
"You fellows will be sorry over this,"
he said, as he was led downstairs.
'I he next morning Andruss and his
followers were all on hand. As this was
a very flagrant case, Andruss 011 his
way down had called upon the Rev.
Jonathan Boggs, a new clergyman in the
city, who was interested in the move
ment. Mr. Boggs' sermons were always
up to date, and Mr. Andruss knew he
would be glad of the opportunity to be
present
They all assembled at the courtroom.
Back in a remote corner, unnoticed by all
save Andruss, sat a young lady. This
was the young lady of the car the night
before. Andruss, seeing that he was
flustered and unstrung, did not approach
her, but knew that indue time he could
use her as a willing witness.
The clergyman, the center of another
group, stood up near the front. The
prisoner was brought in. The clergy
man, who was a bit nearsighted, peered
at him over his glasses. The young man
did not see the minister.
"What's the charge here?" asked the
police court judge.
Mr. Andruss stepped forward. At that j
instant the young lady, who for the first
time had seen the prisoner, rushed for
ward with a little scream.
"Warner! she exclaimed, throwing
her amis about his neck.
At the same instant the clergyman
started forward. "Why—why," he de
manded, "what's the meaning of this,
Mary, my child? And Trcvelyan? Why,
what do you do here?"
lie did not exactly understand what
was going on. But -nevertheless, he
turned around to Andruss. "Mr. An
druss," he exclaimed, "permit me to pre
sent to you my daughter Mary, now
Mrs. J. Warner Trcvelyan, and my son
in-law, Mr. J. Warner Trcvelyan. Mr.
Andruss—Mr. Trcvelyan. Mr.
Why, bless me, what's the matter?''
There was matter enough, it seemed.
Mr. Trevelyan, a very angry man, waited
patiently until Mr. Andruss had abjectly
withdraw his complaint against Trcve
lyan for attempting to llirt with his own
wife. Then Trcvelyan, with consider
able vigor, advanced a complaint against
the whole crowd for assault and battery.
Ihc Court smiled and accepted the com
plaint. He fixed bail at SI,OOO apiece.
As there were none present whom the
court would accept as bail—he was down
011 the propriety promoters—he ordered
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the half dozen prisoners downstairs, with
Andruss in the van.
Trcvelyan watched them until they
reached the topmost step, and then he
raised his voice.
"Complaint withdrawn!" he yelled.
I hen they all came back and shook him
warmly by the hand.
" I he costs," announced the court, look
ing sternly at Mr. Andrew Andruss, "will
be thirty-three dollars."
Mr. Andrew Andruss wilted, for he
was a bit of a miser. The clergyman
stepped forward."l will pay the costs,"
he announced with a smile; and he did.
Mr. Andruss and his followers are now
members of his church, and left their
own to join it.
I hat evening the Bellport Banner came
out with flaring headlines:
BELLPORT BENEDICTS MAY
WINK AT THEIR WIVES.
Justice Murphy So Decides, And
Andrew Andruss Concurs.
The next day Mr. Andrew Andruss
resigned as the president of the Bellport
Society for the Promotion of Propriety.
Ihe Trcvelyan affair was his first ex
perience at anti-mashing, and it has been
his last.
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I ® a tti p1• of lirxperfal / a ! }
| Oranutn, and & cute I |V
YBE YOURS
Kf NKNU FOB JMK lOUAII
■'This ad will not oppaar again tha chance of a llte
■ tlmo. A urnulnn imnortad Guaranteed - To• T»lk
■ *5" MEXICAN PARROT *6t
■ ftn iiltftl priHcnt a Joy lor any liomo now ottered
■ lor the first tlmo st !,,•«, Than Coat. Send Today.
■ • WRITTEN GUARANTEE WITH CVERV BIRD
■ Write lor Buautilol Ilird and Fish Catalor-lfa Fraa
■ hi- LtiriH BKKI> COMPANY
B " Amerlca'a Oreateat iilrd and Flah Kiuporioro "
8.68t).fi01 M. 4th at.. BT. I.OUia, MO.
Don't Be Fat.
My New Obesity Food Quickly Reduces
Your weight to Normal, Requires
No Starvation Process and
is Absolutely Safe.
TRIAL PACKAGE MAILED FREE.
The Above Illustration Show* the Remarkable
Effects of this Wonderful Obesity Food-What
it Has Done For Others It Will Do For Vou.
My new Obesity Food, taken at mealtime.
compels perfect assimilation of the food and
sends the food nutriment where it belongs,
it requires no starvation process. You can
eat all you want. It makes muscle, bone,
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cess fat, an«l quickly reduces your weight to
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the heart to act freely and the lungs to ex
pand naturally and the kidneys and liver to
perform their functions in a natural manner.
You will feel better the first day you try this
wonderful home food. Fill out coupon here
with and mail to-day.
FREE I
This coupon is good for one trial pack
age of Kellogg's Obesity Food with |
testimonials from hundreds who have I
been greatly reduced, mailed free in 1
plain package. Simply fill in your §
name and address 011 dotted lines be- I
low and mail to J
i'. J. KKI.I.II(ll;, aitf,6 Kclloitß llldif. ?
Buttle Greek, Mich.
I 112 \ \ A 112
ON your porch, In the mountains,
On the water, At the seashore
what music is sweeter than the pure,
far-reaching tones of the
Columbia
Grapliophone
The best assurance you can have of
the superiority of this famous en
tertainer is
A Written Guarantee
of a ten-milllnu dollar concern.
Willi tills guarantee you don't guess;
you KNOW, which is bout.
Write us for our
Free Trial and Easy PaymentlOffer
This is your rliaiico to secure the best
talking machine made, on' payments
which will net be^felt.
We accept old machines of any make
in part payment.
<!r»nd Prix, Paris. 190(1 I
Pontile (Irand Prize, 8t Louis, 1904
Highest Award, Portland, 1905 j
Columbia Phonograph Co., Gen'lH
00-'J J West Itroadway, New York City I
1 o** flen<l me full partlcn- B
of your Kasy Payment H
■ 1-xchange Plan. B