2
CAMERON CODNTY PRESS.
H. H. MULLIN, Editor.
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PHINTINU.
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lisher.
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CURRIINT TOPICS.
SPAIN lias lost 840,000,000 in colonial
trade.
AMERICA'S carpet mills employ 10,700
women.
A WOMAN'S hair is said to begin to
turn gray at 35.
FIVE per cent, of all Europeans are
trained soldiers.
SOME New York boiler-sealers enjoy
the eight-hour day.
CINCINNATI is to have a co-ooerative
anti-trust distillery.
TIIE cemeteries in and around lon
don cover 2.000 acres.
PARCHMENT used on the best banjoes
is made from wolf skin.
OF a thousand persons only one
reaches the ape of 100 years.
THE proportion of married pers ns
to single ones is as 75 to 1.000.
THE Congo region exports about
8,000,000 walking sticks a year.
THE combined population of Europe
and America is about 300,000,000.
TALI. persons have the advantage of
greater longevity than short ones.
THE number of summer hotels in the
United States is estimated at 23,000.
Tin:HE are 3,750.000 persons in Lon
don who never enter a place of wor
ship.
THE church of Notre Dame du Port,
at Clermont, France, was built in the
year 1095.
PERSONS born in spring have a more
robust constitution than those born at
other seasons.
OWING to the dry. cold atmosphere,
notasingie infectious disease is known
in Greenland.
FRANK 11. BURFORD, a 15-year-old
boy. has been admitted to the bar in
Guthrie, Okl. T.
AT Wardbury, Norway, the longest
day lasts from May 21 to July 22 with
out interruption.
A FEW weeks ago the Krupp factory
turned out its twenty-thousandth large
gun for European armies.
MRS. RICHARD I*. BLAND is collecting
material for a life of her late husband,
the famous congressman.
THE first automobile club of (ier
many has just b?en organized, and the
duke of liatibor is the president.
AN English statistician declares that
crime, considered in decennial periods,
bears a constant relation to the popu
lation.
WII.MAM BADGE has resigned his po
sition as conductor on the Maine Cen
tral railroad after 50 years' service as
a railroad man.
I)N. MAX BURNER, of Buffalo, has
been decorated with the cross of the
L»egion of Honor for saving the life of a
French seaman.
THE population of the South African
republic consi ts of 63,000 Boers, 87.000
other whites, called Uitlanders and
800,000 Kaffirs and Zulus.
THE skeleton of a mastodon was dis
closed in digging a ditch on the farm
of F. W. Schaefer, one mile west of
Newburgh, N. Y.. recently.
THE erratic actions of a church clock
at Ilarborne, England, were traced to a
swarm of bees that had deposited hon
ey in the machinery and dial.
A SINGLE foundry in New Jersey, it
is said, casts annually 35.000 bells for
the farmers and about 4.000 for schools,
churches, engine houses, etc.
WHEN the prince of Wales was a boy
the booK that most took his fancy was
"Kobinson Crusoe," and even now it
amuses him greatly to read a chapter.
SCIENTISTS are recommending the
sleetric lignt bath. It is free from the
sxliausting effects of Turkish baths
and is soothing to sore muscles and
joints.
TABLE manners differ greatly with
different nationalities. The Russians
follow the old Arabian habit of pre
ferring nature's weapons to either
knife or fork.
THE giraffe was thought to be nearly
extinct, but Maj. Maxes, a British ex
plorer, has found great herds of them
along the Sobat river, a tributary of
the White Nile.
THE largest mass of pure rock salt in
the world lies under the province of
lialicia. Hungary. It is known to be
550 miles long. 20 miles broad and 250
feet in thickness.
THE house of commons has met on
Sunday 11 times, on various occasions,
when urgency demanded it. The first
time was in the reign of Edward 111.,
the last at the death of George 11.
Slit ARTHUR SUI.I.IVAN has joined the
army of inventors. He has invented a
contrivance to be fixed to carriages so
that the horses can be instantly un
yoked and the carriage set free in the
event of the animals taking fright.
TWENTY centuries before the birth
of Watt, Nero of Alexandria described
machines whose motive power was
steam. He also invented a double
force pump, userl as a fire engine, and
anticipated the modern turbine wheel
by a machine he called "neolpile."
CLEARLY DECLARED.
The President** Policy Dcllncd by
Hi HIM elf iu I'rrfcrtl) Plain
TerniM.
The words spoken by President Mc-
Kill ley the other day in regard to his
Philippine polity were definite and cer
tain enough 1o any logical mind. Their
significance was completely missed by
alleged public guides, who evidently re
quire to be furnished with an under
standing ay well as with declarations.
But -the Pittsburgh speech is culeu
lated to drive the president's meaning
home to every citizen of ordinary intel
ligence. It was explicit, positive, un
mistakable, It was an argument, but
it was also a challenge. The president
assumed the offensive and handled his
anti-imperialistic detractors without
gloves.
Speaking of the soldiers w ho had the
privilege of being mustered out in April
and who preferred to remain in the
service, the president said:
"They did not stack arms. They did not
run away. They were not serving the in
surgents in the Philppines or their sympa
thizers at home. They had no part or pa
tience with the men, few in number hap
pily, who would have rejoiced to have seen
them lay down their arms in the presence
of an enemy whom they had just emanci
pated from Spanish rule and who should
have been our firmest friends."
And what the cause for which these
brave and patriotic men fought and suf
fored and fell? The answer is found in
the following pregnant and pointed
sentences:
"Peace brought us the Philippines, by
treaty cession from Spain. The senate of
the United States ratified the treaty. Kvery
step taki-n was in obedience to the ritiuire
ments of the constitution. It became our
territory and is ours, as much as the Louis
iana purchase, or Texas, or Alaska. A body
of insurgents, in no sense representing the
STILL PREFERS THE FIRST-BORN.
When a new baby Is born in a household the pa»ents do not expel the otl
children. —W. J. Bryan, at Kansas City.
sentiment of the people of the islands, dis
puted our lawful authority, and even lie
fore the ratiticatio. cf ihu treaty by the
American senate were uttacklnf? the very
forces who fought for and secured their
freedom."
In other words, the American soldiers
fought to assert and maintain American
supremacy over territory rightfully
and legally belonging to the United
States. They fought a small minerity
of aggressive insurgents who did not
represent the natives and had never
obtained the "consent of the gov
erned." This minority reciprocated
kindness with cruelty, mercy with bul
lets. II interpreted humanity as weak
ness and assailed our rights and inter
fered with the discharge of our interna
tional obligations. The president takes
all the responsibility for the Philip
pine war, and he announces that there
will be no more parleying, "no pause
until the insurrection is suppressed and
the American authority acknowledged
and established."
And what is to follow peace? "A
government under the undisputed sov- '
ereignty of the United States, a govern
ment which will do justice to all and at
once encourage the hist efforts and as
pirations of these distant peoples and
the highest development of their rich
and fertile lands." Tlic Philippines, in
fine, are treated now as American ter
ritory. as much as Porto Hieo and Alas
ka, t»s much as Louisiana was after the
purchase. This is the executive's pol
icy. This is the policy he is now pursu
ing and commending to the people.
The people, acting through congress,
are at liberty to modify this policy.
They have the riglit and the power to
give the Philippines independence at
any time. The executive has not the
authority to take any such step. lie
keeps the fruits of the war, the fruits
of the ponce negotiations. As we have
already said, the r< publican party will
follow the president and come out for
permanent retention of the eastern is
lands. The democrats will oppose it
and appeal to the electorate. We shall
thus have a great, a vital, a truly para
mount issue, dictated by events not
manufactured by politiciansof brief au
thor-! iv - -Chicago Post.
ICHryan was a figure exhaled from
the stagnant pool of discontent. When
the waters of that pool arc stirred by
the influx of the tide of pftisperil.v. the
breeding of lurid vapors < eases .iml tie
.-/ark of turning the v.-heels of grist
mills and t aking care of the golden corn
is resumed. The Jonahs of discontent
go under as food for fishes. Troy
Times.
CAMERON COUNTY PRESS, THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 14, 1899.
EXPANSION WANTED.
Tlir Ikkiic That Will Help III)' itcpnb
llcailM i)ik to \ li'lory in \«>zt
\ ear't t'ainpiiitcii.
"If there ever was a liuie in the his
tory of the United States," says the
deiiioeratie Nashville American, "when
the true-blue American citizen should
show his love of country it is at this
juncture. On the bloodstained fields ol
Luzon thousands of our countrymen
tire heroically battling 1 under the stars
.nd stripes." Many other southern
democratic papers are taking a:i equal
ly patriotic position. The Louisville
Courier-Journal, the Xew Orleans Pic
ayune, the Chattanooga Times and otli
ei ; rominent papers in their section art
demanding a vigorous prosecution ol
the war until American sovereignty is
recognized in all parts of the domair
which .Spain ceded to the United Statef
in the treaty of peace.
Secretary of Agriculture Wilson, whe
returned to Washington the other day
from a trip to the Pacific eosst, reported
that the entire west was solid for ex
pansion. Expansion sentiment is evi
dently almost as widely diffused
through the south. As has been shown
ihe leading newspapers of that region
are for a vigorous assertion of the na
tional authority in the Philippines, ant
in all the rest of our domain in whicl)
it. may In resisted. Those papers musl
represent the sentiment of their com
munity 011 this issue. There ara good
reasons for believing that the east ii
almost as earnest for expansion as the
west or the south. The home of tlx
Anti-imperialistic league is .Massachu
setts. That state is the home, also, oi
Edward Atkinson and William Lloyf
Garrison. Vet Boston has furnished
more soldiers, in proportion to its pop
ulation, to the new regiments for the
Philippines than any other town in the
United States.
There can be no reasonable doubt
ihat national expansion will be a win
ning issue for the republican party in
1900. Shrewd democrats see this, anc
will fight the insertion of an anti-ex
pansion plank into their platform next
year. They will be overruled by the
bourbons and the reactionaries of theii
party, however. The Bryans and 11 it
Stones will put a contraction declara
tion into their platform next year, de
spite all the warnings which the policy
of their party in its great days and the
lessons of the present tench. An anti
expansion plank will lot the democracy
harder in 1900 than did its 50-eent dol
lar declaration in 189G. The whole
country is for the assertion of the na
tional authority over the territory
Which we gained in the war of 1898.
The policy of the administration in
pressing the war to an early and glo
rious conclusion will be indorsed by an
overwhelming number of the American
people. The republican party stands
an excellent chance of getting in 1900
a larger majority than has been rolled
up at any previous time since 1N72. — St,
Louis Globe-Democrat.
COMMENT AND OPINION.
CT!ic democratic platform-makera
of Ohio will also try to feel that they
still think so. —Detroit Free Press
(Dem.).
ICMr. Bryan will doubtless receive
the united support of the unemployed
harvest hands of the great west. —
Washington Post.
I Upcoming to the facts in the case,
Uryan is for sixteen to one, if some;hing
else that seems to offer better pros
pects doesn't develop.—Chicago Times
Herald.
K7Do the able democratic editors
think it will make the slightest differ
ence whether Mr. Bryan's convention
next year is held early or late?—Chi
eng.) Tribune.
C'"One trouble with the democratic
party to-day, and the chief trouble,for
that matter, is that all its leaders who
arc competent to lead have )>e*n sent
to the rear. Cleveland Leader.
democracy is confronted vsth
'he embarrassing necessity of going
through a long, farcical make-believe
and calling it a "presidential cam
paign." They acknowledge having but
one possible candidate and no sane is
| sue.—lndianapolis Journal.
A GRAND EVENT.
President McKin'ey Reviews 35,-
000 G. A. R. Veterans.
I'llr North Atlantic Squailrim IN Visit
ed and tile President Inspects t!»e
HIS Waroiiips !\o»v Ljlui: in
tlic iliiaware ICiv.-r A
Scrum Ovutions.
Philadelph.ll, Sept. <">.—Tuesday was
the big day of the Grand Army en
campment. The presence in the city
of President, McKinlcy increased the
interest and his drive over the route
of the parade aroused the greatest, en
thusiasm among the throngs 011 the
streets. Admiral Sampson and the
captains of his fleet called upon the
president before 9 o'clock. Afterward
the presidential party, including this
admiral and the captains, entered car
riages and went over the route of the
parade.
The distance covered by the parade
whs five miles. Independence hall
was passed during the march and
caps were lif|i>d and colors dipped by
the veterans. Post No. 1, from Hock
ford, 111., the oldest post in the Grand
Army, headed the line.
From the fronts of the buildings
to the curb the people were packed
in a solid mass, and even, breathing
was difficult. As a result of the
crush about 401) men, women and chil
dren were overcome aiuT taken to vari
ous hospital:!.
The parade was six hours in passing
the reviewing stand. About 35,000
men were in line. After a portion
had passed, these veterans bringing
up the rear, the, president left to visit
Admiral Sampson's fleet. Gov. Stone
of the Department, of Pennsylvania
reviewing the remainder of the proces
sion.
As the various posts passed in review
the president stood smiling and bow
in pf, and on numerous occasions waved
his hand to the more enthusiastic of
the marchers. When the torn battle
flag's were dipped in salute he joined
in the applause.
The visit, of the president to the
squadron proved to be the greatest
marine spectacle ever seen here. It
was the intention to have Mr. McKin
ley visit only the Xew York, but he
grew so enthusiastic over the great
fighters that he made up his mind to
inspect all of them. Accordingly lie
visited the flagship New York, cruiser
Brooklyn and the battleships Indiana,
Massachusetts and Texas. It was his
intention to also visit, the cruiser De
troit. but, he was unable to do so on
account of lack of time. There was
almost a continuous roar of guns dur
ing the one and three-quarters hours
that it took to inspect the vessels. In
all 402 guns were fired.
At. 1:1") the president boarded the
barge. He was accompanied by
Secretaries Hoot and \\ ilson,
Commander Winslow, Mayor Ash
bridge and Senator Sewall. Every
vessel in the harbor propelled by
steam let its whistle go and this with
the cheers of the crowd on shore made
a deafening noise. The president was
the first to step on board the flagship,
and as he did so the entire squadron
belched forth the president's salute
of 21 guns, or 12(5 guns in all. The
bands of all the ships simultaneously
played '"Hail to the Chief.'' The presi
dent was received at the gangway by
({ear Admiral Sampson and the staff
officers of the ship. The rail was
manned by the men during the formal
greeting. The call to quarters was
Ihen sounded and every man on board
ship sprang to his place just as though
an engagement was about to start.
The sight, greatly pleased the presi
dent. Mr. McKinley was then shown
over the. whole ship.
As he left the Xew York the entire
fleet, again fired the president's salute.
Capt. Taylor was at the gangway of
the Indiana when the chief executive
came aboard and was greeted again
by 21 guns. The battleship, like the
Xew York, was also cleared for ac
tion, with the ammunition up. From
the Indiana the president was rowed
to the Massachusetts, Brooklyn and
Texas. lie did not inspect these ves
sels, but contented himself by greet
ing the commanders of each.
Enthusiasm was rampant last, night.
Wherever President McKinley ap
peared lie received a tremendous ova
tion, particularly at the Academy of
Music, where the Grand Army was
officially welcomed to the city and
state by Mayor Ashbridge and Gov.
Stone.
The president was introduced as
"Comrade" McKinley. and made a
short address. Gen. Sickles made a
brief address, expressing his admira
tion for the nation's chief executive.
A few minutes later the presidential
party, with Admiral.Sampson and his
staff, left the Academy of Music and
proceeded to Odd Fellows' hall, where
President McKinley was the guest of
honor at a banquet tendered by
George (>. Meade post, Lafayette post,
of New York, and Kingsley post, of
Boston. The distinguished visitors
were ffriven through the "Avenue of
Fame," which for the first time they
saw illuminated.
Immense throngs surged through
the avenue and the cheering was deaf
ening. When the chief executive en
tered the banqueting hall all present
arose and ehered their distinguished
comrade. When the president was
introduced by the toastmaster to the
diners he made a brief speech.
Secretary lioot and Prof. Sclnirman
made brief addresses in which they
referred to the war in the Philippines,
\ Hot Wnvo.
Chicago, Sept. 0. —Tuesday was the
hoi lift day in Chicago since the es
tablishment. of the weather bureau
here in 1871. At :i p. in.the govern
ment thermometer on the top of the
Auditorium tower registered !<S de
grees and on the street level over 100
was reported in several places. A hot
wind added to the general discomfort.
Two deaths and nine case of prostra
tion were reported. The hottest
weather known since the records of
the weather bureau began is reported
from Illinois, Indian:), lowa and N»»
Viraska.
CHICAGO GETS IT.
Vrill>. A. It. (encampment to he Hold
In ■(:<■ Windy City A Rumput l.<-u«i»
(o tlio Scci'hNlon of Twu Local Sotl-
Clll'K.
Philadelphia, Sept. 7. —The national
fj. !>. encampment met in executive
-•ssii.n Wednesday, The encampment
is made up of 34 1 delegates from the
various states and territories, I'J de
partment officers. 11l national officers
ai d post cotnmai <!< rs-in-ehief and <M2
pot deparl lneiit corn ma nders.
The opening - address was made by
Senior Vice Commander-in-chief John
son. Then foilovvfid reading ot re
ports. The report of Alon/.o Williams,
inspector general, gave the loss by
death (luring 1 the past year as 7,' JOt,
which, added to losses through other
causes ,such as discharges, honorary
nnd dishonorable surrender ol charter,
suspensions and transfers made the
total loss 4"j.>•>.". The number of
members in good standing June .If),
ISM. was 257,9M.
Senior Vice Commander .Johnson as
commander-in-chief was elected to
serve the unexpired term of the lain
Col. Sexton. Commander Johnson
will continue in office until the end of
this encampment.
Daniel Foss, of Wilmington. Del.,
junior vice commander, was elected
To the office of senior vice commander,
succeeding Col. Johnson.
The surireon general. Albert S.
Pierce, reported that during the past.
IS rnonlhs It,OS.'! deaths had occurred
lin the Orand \rtny. There are, the
report, states. 3,072 deserving sick and
maimed soldiers not receiving pen
sions. In the government and state
homes for soldiers and sailors there
are 0,4 M inmates, and ">4 old sailors,
and soldiers are in almshouses.
In his report Daniel If. Lucas, ehap
lain-in-ehief. states that there are 6,-
fiS2 soldiers' graves unmarked.
The first business after recess was
the selection of a place for the next
encampment and Chicago was chosen
bv acclamation. The report of the
committee on pensions was then read
and a motion was made to refer it to
the committee on resolutions. This
created much discussion, many of the
delegates favoring the immediate
adoption of a resolution covering the
evils mentioned in the report. After
a discussion lasting nearly four hours
the report was referred hack to the
committee on pensions, with inslruc
tions~that it lie presented at to-day's
session embodying recommendations
and resolutions.
The compiaint of the veterans as
contained in the pension committee's
report is that the law governin«r the
granting' of pensions is misconstrued
by the pension examiner. The re
port is not critical, but is said to con
tain a statement of facts as they exist
in the pension department.
There were lively times' at the an
nual convention of the National Asso
ciation of Naval Veterans. A resolu
tion providing for the admission of
participants in the Spanish war to
membership in the association started
a rumpus and the result was that
there is now a >-1»Iit in the organiza
tion. At the convention held in Cin
cinnati last September the resolution
above mentioned was introduced, and
was laid over until this year. Num
bers of speeches were made and the
vote on the resolution was overwhelm
ingly againsx admitting' the men of
the lnte war. When the result was
announced, the delegates from New
York and the delegates from the Ad
miral Hoggs association, of Newark,
N. ,T., walker! out in a body. It 's
their intention to start an opposition
association to lie known as the I'niteri
States Veteran Navy and the head
quarters will probably he in New
York. The bolters claim they will
get nearly -00 members from the Naval
Veterans' association and will admit
to membership all those who were in
the navy during the Spanish war.
The !7th annual convention of the
Women's Relief Corps began Wednes
day morning. Nearly 300 delegates,
representing every state in the Union,
were present. Following the pre
sentation of credentials and the ap
pointment of committees. President
Miller read her annual address. Tt
was largely a detailed review of llie
work accomplished.
Mrs. Harriet .1. Badge, of Connecti
cut. was elected president; Mrs. Lizzie
Baer, of Wisconsin, senior vice presi
dent: Mrs. Mary Fvans. of Washing
ton and Alaska, junior vice president:
Mrs. Isabella T I'agley. of Ohio, treas
urer. and Mrs. Brown, of Rhode Island,
national chaplain.
The ladies of the O. A. R. nnd the
Ladies' Viixilinry Naval Veterans als:i
held executive sessions. About 300
delegates we re present at the former.
The other, wriicli had branches onlv i"
Providence. New Hcdford, Salem. Bal
timore and Philadelphia, was presided
over by Anna I*. Sears, of Baltimore.
About . r )0 delegates were present.
A <it£ulitic Consolidation Scheme.
Pittsburar. Sept. 7. —The Post savs:
There is a plan arranged to form n
gigantic railway system which will
create a trnr.k line consolidation great
er than any now in existence It will
embrace the Baltimore S: Ohio. Pitts
bnrg Western. ifuffalo, Rochester
(Sr I'iltsbury. Philadelphia & Beading,
West Virginia A: Pittsburg, and sev
eral smaller roads in as many states.
This gigantic enterprise will, if car
ried ont, mean a series of roads reach
ing from Philadelphia. Baltimore.
Washington and New York to Bead
ing. Rochester and Buffalo, and from
Baltimore to Cincinnati and St. Louis,
with the main line passing through
Pittsburg to Chicago.
Tin 1 llclroit to <>o Co Venezuela.
Washington, Sept. 7. The navy de
partment has sent orders to the De
troit. which is at Philadelphia, to pro
ceed at once to La Ouayra, Venezuela.
She will coal and start on the voyag;
in two or three days. The Detroit
should make the run to La Ouayra in
side of ten days. The occasion for
her presence at La Onyara is a report,
to the state department that there are
signs of great unrest and excitement
in the interior of Venezuela and that
the presence of an American war
ship might have a good effect.
STORY SOUNDED WELL.
Bat There Won Itenson to Ilellev*
Tliat It Wax iVot Wholly
True.
"Wh en I first went west," tells a retired
bu sines* man, who now does nothing in the
way of work except to mow the lawn anil
gee that the cat is in the barn at night,
"this maimed hand paved my life.
"Is that so?" asked the visiting neighbor,
who knew that this form of invitation would
be sufficient to insure the story.
"Yes, that's right. If I hadn't lost that
first finger when I was a boy I wouldn't be
here now. .lim Dixon and me were tradin
with the Indians. We exchanged beads, fake
jewelry and bright calico for furs. All the
buffalo were not gone then and we did a
good business. One time we happened to
strike a wandering band of savages that
held us up on sight and it was plain from
the way the red devils danced around us
that we were to lie put to death after the
Indian fashion. All at once 1 recalled that
a good many of the Indians knew me as the
•four-fingered' trader who was always on
the level with those wild merchants, so I
held up the hand and kept it up till one of
the young bucks let out a significant grunt
and "then hurried to the chief in command.
He came to me in a dignified manner, ex
amined the hand, grunted about 16 times
while deliberating, said 'How,' and released
me as well as my partner. We were treated
right up to the handle and permitted to de
part when we wanted to. It was the closest
squeak and the worst scare I had out in that
country when near calls and heart-failure
frights were the rule."
"Brave man," said one neighbor to an
other, as they walked awaj-.
"Yes, regular big injun, if you accept all
he tells. Between me and you he lost that
finger two years ago while examining a hay
cutter."—Detroit Free Press.
VERY OBLIGING.
He Was YVllllns to Give the Vol
cunic Vocalist a Good Hard
Shove.
The young man who sings loud and long;
was interrupted by a tap at the door of his
apartment. , , ~ . .
"Excuse me," said the tall, thin stranger,
"I am sorry to intrude. 1 occupy the flat
under you, and 1 have come up to inquire
if you are the gentleman who sings bal-
Yes," was the answer, with the air of a
man who is modest, but cannot deny the
truth. "Are you fond of music.'
"1 don't know that I am what you wou.d
call fond of it. At the same time I haven t
anything particular against it.l am very
much affected by some things 1 hear.
"That amounts to the same thing as beint;
fond of it,"was the answer, in a tone ot
soothing encouragement.
"I have been wondering if I caught the
words of your favorite song correctly. Let
me see:
" 'How often, oh, how often.
Have I wished that the ebbing tide
Would bear me away on its bosom
To the ocean wild and wide.'
Is that right?"
"Yes; it's all right, according to my recol
lect ion. Is that one of the pieces yoi> are af
"Yes. I have been affected by that for
hours at a time. It has drawn me irresist
ibly to you. It has filled me with a yearn
ing to do something that would make you
happier. And I called up to say that if
you 11 come down to the river with me any
evening I'll pay your car fare and hire a
boat and give you a good start on the first
ebbing tide scheduled. And I don I mind
saving that the further out it bears you the
better I'll be satisfied." —Washington Star.
THE GRAND BRACE.
Pathetic I'lcn of the Ilihulous Head
of the House Next
Morn ill);.
One of the Bohemian citizens of the town
went home the other night after having
donned a pair of skates that would have slid
him over an Arizona desert with the mer
cury bubbling out of the top of the thermom
eter. He had no recollection of how he got
home, and even the next morning he was
not certain whether he was on a storm
tossed Atlantic liner or making a leap from
a balloon minus a parachute. He went
down to the breakfast table with enough wet
towels wrapped around his head to make
a turban for the malidi. His wife met him
with reproaches in her eyes, but she did not
scold him. She wanted to inform him of his
conduct the night before, however.
"My dear," she said, "did you know that
you came very near killing us all when you
went to bed last night?"
"Nope," said her husband, thickly, as he
felt his hot forehead.
"Well, you did. You knocked over the
baby's cradle. Then you blew out the gas
and we were nearly asphyxiated. What do
yon think of that?'
Her husband is usually a resourceful man,
but the fumes of many cocktails taken the
night before somewhat clouded his intellect.
He made a grand brace and •tried to look pa
thetic.
"M'love," he said, as a ray of inspiration
burst through his brain, "wasn't I
here to die with you?' —Washington Poet.
Qneerness of Men.
It's a wise child that knows its own father
when it sees him out in company.
It doesn't take much of a man to tell how
a thing ought to be done. The one who goes
and does it deserves the praise.
The man who goes to church may not en
joy the sermon, but he generally goes home
with a good appetite for his Sunday dinner.
It is claimed by some people that baldness
indicates great brain power, but the makers
of alleged hair restorers keep on getting
rich. —Chicago Times-llerald.
Aline —"Wouldn't you hate to be a preach
er's wife?" Anna —"No. indeed. Ju»t
think of being able to make him cut his ser
mons short.—Kansas City Independent.
Tommy—"Who was that lady you spoke
to?" Willie—"That's the lady that lets my
ma go out any afternoon but Thursdays and
Sundays."—Boston Transcript.
Huntley—"Funny thing, that elopement
of Miss Longwaite and young Snipper." Au
thor —"Elopement? That was an abduc
tion!" —Philadelphia North American.
Laura —"The fortune teller said Miss El
derly was to be married soon." Flora —"To
whom?" Laura —"I don't know. The poor
girl was so happy she forgot to ask!"— Puck.
If one friend's advice doesn't suit you,
keep on asking your friends until one gives
the kind you want. —Atchison Globe.
p/fe Laughs Best j
I Who Laughs Last." 1
a A hearty laugh indicates a degree of J
| good health obtainable through pure t
■ blood, c4s but one person in ten has ■
| pure blood, the other nine should purify •
J the blood 'with Hood's Sarsaparilla. J
| Then they can laugh first, last and all |
| | the time, for »
d Best Cough Syrup. Tuates Good. Use K3I