| The Bowsers' Troubles | |2 Mr. Bowser Gets Somewhat Mixed 'S On His War Record. S 'Copyright. iBgB. By M. QUAD. #•; Vy- --- -, r . MWJM,,,, vv»^» "By George! but it reminds me of ihe old days of '(11 !'* suddenly exclaimed Mr. Bowser, tlie other evening as he looked up from his newspaper. "The war?" queried Mrs. Bowser. "The war of course. I've been think ing all day that if I was only five years younger nothing should keep me from going to the front. It makes my pulses thrill to read of the booming of big guns—the screams of shells —the heroic indifference of men under fire. If 1 were offered a commission 1 believe I'd go anyhow." When the Bowsers were married Mrs. Bowser understood that Mr. Bowser had served in the civil war. She also understood that he had gone in as a private and come out as a colonel. Now and then he interested her with descriptions of battles and his brave deeds on the field. For the first few months she implicitly believed in all he said, as was the duty of a trusting wom an. Later on. when she began to read up the war, she couldn't make history and Mr. Bowser's statements agree. By and by he ceased to call himself "Col." Bowser, or to talk of war, and she was glad enough to have the subject dropped. It had got so that she must condemn every his torian as a liar or conclude that Mr. Bowser had never been to the front. "Yes," continued Mr. Bowser, as he got up and walked around the room. "I'd like to lead a regiment into battle again. Lord! but the excitement of it —the exultation—the glory! When I think of it I can hardly hold myself." Mr. Bowser was a very foolish man to call up his war record and try a game of bluff on his wife. He should have been warned by the queer look she gave him and the silence she main tained, but temporary enthusiasm made him reckless and he continued: "Lands! but that day at (Settysbifrg ■—shall I ever forget it! For an hour we were under such a hailstorm of "I'M GOING OUT—MAY NEVER RETURN." death that I did not expect a man in my regiment to come out alive." Mrs. Bowser looked at him in a du bious way, but hud nothing to say. This piqued the old warliorse, and he turned on her with: "Woman, did you ever wonder to yourself what a battle was like? How you can sit there like a bump on a leg when they may be fighting and cheer ing and dying within ten miles of us is a puzzle to me. Why don't you swallow that cud of gum and ask nie some questions?" "I will," she quietly replied. "Were you in the late war?" "What! What! Was I in.the late war!" "What regiment?" "The Eighteenth Ohio, of course. I've told you 50 times over. At the bat tle of Antietam we lost 130 men. and I was promoted from private to ser geant." "Where is Antietam?" "Where —where is Antietam!" he stammered, as his face began to red den. "Antietam is in Virginia, of course. Where did you think it was— in Wisconsin?" "No, sir. I knew it was in Maryland. What the federal histories call Antie tam is called Sharpsburg by the con federates. It is a little town on the Potomac in Maryland." "You —you set out to post me on An tietam!" he shouted, as he stood off and glared at her. but at the same time realized that he had been caught. "Certainly. HeadleJ, Lossing, Greelv and all other writers of the war locate Antietam as I have." "Then they are base liars and de ceivers, and ought to be shot! When did you begin to read up on what you call history?" "I've been at it for some time," placidly began Mrs. I'.owser. "They may have been wrong about Antietam, but how does it happen that the Eight eenth Ohio is not mentioned as one of the federal regiments participating?" "Not mentioned!" shouted Mr. Bow ser, as he swallowed the lump in his throat—the Eighteenth Ohio not mentioned!" "Not in the history of that battle, and I've looked through about ten. They might have had a grudge agaitist your regiment, however, and so re frained from naming it. You say you were promoted to a sergeantcy. How many sergeants in a company, Mr. Bowser?" He couldn't have told for his life whether there were five or fifteen, and he drew a long breath and yelled at her: "Woman, do you take me for a fool! You seem to have set out with the de liberate intention of ireulting me!" "Far from it," she soothingly replied. "You wondered why I was not shout ing over the war, and why I didn't ask you questions. You eventually became colonel of the Eighteenth Ohio, didn't you?" "Of course I did." "Were the historians mad at you per sonally ?" "I don't know that they were—why?" "Because none of them mentioned you as colonel of that regiment. Both Lossing and Ileadley give the colonel's name as—" What! What's that!" he interrupt ed; "they don't mention me! The liars and deceivers! The base-born hypo crites! And you will read the writings of men who go at it with malice afore thought to deprive your husband of hi* just honor as a soldier!" "Their conduct was reprehensible," said Mrs. Bowser,"and I hope you will take revenge on them. You were speak ing of the battle of Gettysburg and the hailstoi .1 of death. Were you colonel of the Eighteenth Ohio then?" "Certainly. When I finally got th* order to charge didn't 1 step—" "But I can't find that the Eighteenth Ohio was there," she interrupted. "It does not appear in the list of regiment* at all." "They—they dared to leave tis out!" shrieked Mr. Bowser. "They dared. Y'ou speak of the bat tle of Gettysburg. Just which day do you mean?" "I mean the day of the battle." "But there were three days of fight ing." "I deny it —I deny it!" "Well, they may have made a mis take. What was the date of the bat tle?" "The 10th of June." ' They all give the dates the same— the 2d, 3d and 4th of July. The third day of the fighting was the climax When Let failed to pierce the federal center with Pickett's Virginians he be gan his retreat to the l'otoniac. Mr. Bowser, you must have your commis sion and discharge papers, and I should like to see them. Are they in the deed box?" "Woman!" hoarsely whispered Mr. Bowser, as he advanced and towered over her, "you seem to doubt your hus band's veracity!" "But you may not have been in the late \va.. you know. You may have thought you were, but—" "No more, woman—not another word! Bight here in my own house, by my own wife, 38 years after the war, 1 am told that I did not enlist—that I never saw a battle—that I was not a colonel—that my regiment was not mentioned in history! It is enough. I am going out and may not return to night—may never return. Please hold vourself in readiness to receive a call from my lawyer in the morning." And Mr. Bowser went out and bought two glasses of beer and walked around and jawed himself 'till midnight, Mrs. Bowser was awake when he slipped softly in and made ready for bed, but s.he felt for him and hadn't a word to sry. Next morning, when he glanced at her across the breakfast table, she pretended to lay it all on the coffee, and said she'd discharge the cook if it couldn't be bettered. A ChlcnKO VlKiirttr. They were sitting on a bench in Lin coln park. The sun's golden crown had-jeweled fhe desolate, dreamy west, and the oaks were shrouded in crimson rich as a monarch's garb. The autumn winds were shodi with gold beneath the sobbing trees, and high on the branch of a stately cedar perched' M inerva's wisdom bird, the ominous owl, blear-eyed and solitrary, hating the day and waiting tilPnight should shade the grandi panorama of the park. "I divamed of you lawst night," she said, a rich Lake Shore drive ac cent. "Didyou.really ?" he inquired, eager ly, and a tint ®f red suffused his brow, like the blush that kindles on the timid cheek of morn, when like a coy and conscious bride she comes from the embrace of night. "Yaas; I always dream when I ent lobstahs and mince pie at night."— Up to Date. i(iißK<*