THE COLUMBIAN, BLOOMSBURtt, i A.
I
RUTHFUL
JONAS
ES
Poetical Tar Makes a Trip In'.o
the Interior and Corroborates
Tale of Jonah
PROCURES SOME INSIDE FACTS
r'nk.Pajimit Bearing the Letter "J"
Prove the Scriptural Character wa
Previous a Tenant Evicted Eventu
al and Picked Up by Hi Mataj.
Savannah, Ga. If higher critics
must expose the mythj In Holy Writ
they'd better make another guess be
fore they think they're It. For yes
terday, when Jonas Home, of the
karkentlne Belle White, had heard a
parson say the tale of Jonah wasn't
right he left his new without a word
and went away from there. He said
be couldn't stand to hear a lie right
after prayer.
"It's downright sacrilege," he said,
"the way these parsons talk. The
truth, my boy, should aye prevail
it's a winner in a walk. It happens I
was swallowed once by the very self
same whale that swallowed Jonah.
(Have a drink?) This ain't no rhoney
tale. And being swallowed thus I
found good evidence inside, that the
Jonp.h story was O. K. and that the
parson lied.
"I was Just a youngster at the time,
a grenhnrn on a whr.'.cr, but thoug'U
1 knew most everything, Just like your
brand new sailor. Our ship, the Mol
ly Brown, one day was beln' put about
to start for home when up aloft the
lookout gave a shout:
'"A whale as big as Noah's ark:
Great fish hooks, pipe the spout!'
"We dropped the boats and started
out to get him mighty quick. We
pulled to windward, sneaking down
upon him nice and slick. Old Jerry
threw the harpoon in and then we
pulled away. And was there some
thin' doin'? Well, maybe. Somethin'
gay!
"I was standln' at the tiller, think
in' I was mighty big, when Mr. Whale
shoots up beneath and gives our boat
a dig. I landed head down in the drink,
and, feelln, quite romantic, I tried to
yell good by; instead, I swallowed
' some Atlantic. I feels a sort of suc
tion then, and gee, It turned me cold
- I knew that I was on my way Into
t critter's hold.
Then came a bump, and then ker-
ur.k! But nothin' couldn't stop us.
. iTcw as I went by thatump It was
epiglottis. At last I hove to In a
; :i:e that was as dark as night. I sat
awhile to catch my wind and get my
bearing right A funny roar was In
my ears, like tons of rushin' water;
which meant, thought I,, we're travel
in' much faster than we'd oughter. I
tried to get upon my feet, but every
time I rose that durned fish turned a
corner quick and tosed me on my nose.
Then when I tried to fool that whale
by rUn' slow and soft, I'd no more got
me half way up when the bloomin'
monster coughed.
"It threw me, cussin', on my face,
and then I feels within my fingers'
grasp a bottle that I knew must carry
gin! I pulled a match and tallow dip
from out my starboard boot, and,
lightln' up, set out to make a search
for further loot. And when I takes a
careful squint at where I found the
flask, I spies a pair of sandal shoes.
Now, sonny, let me ask: What was
them sandals dolu' there, in the in
wards of that whale? And how about
that pint of gin? It plainly showed
the tale of Jonah's beln' swallowed by
a whale was surely true, and that the
whale that swallowed him bad taken
me in too.
"I'm from Missouri when " I hear
-theology expounded, but as for them
there Bible tales, I guess that they're
well founded. For facts is facts, and
when I'd made another find that day
of a pair of pink pajamas labelled
with the letter 'J' I knew that Jonah
was no fake, but truthful to the core,
and that I stood where he had stood
ten thousand years before.
"I was slttln' feelin' peevish, like a
martyr in a pit. when Bomethln' hap
pened sudden and the critter threw a
fit. My light went out, and holy
smoke! the very next I knew I
was shooting through his thorax at a
rate I call skidoo. I must have dis
agreed with him the way be chuoked
me out. I came a-bobbln' through the
waves and took a look about I was
tickled when I noticed that my mates
was clone at hand. They picked me
up and every man Just cheered to beat
the band.
"Now, any one who don't believe
the Jonah story's true can come to
me. (Well, I don't mind. I'll have
another too)."
VOICE AT OWN FUNERAL.
Clergyman Makes Phonograph Rec
ords for Use at His Grave.
Fairfield, 111. The Rev. Daniel Baa
sett Leach, an aged clergyman of
Bone Gap, near here, was told that he
was going to die. He asked that his
graphones be brought to his bedside.
Into the machine the venerable pas
tor talked. Besides an address he
spoke some prayers and a benediction.
When Mr. Leach had finished he
hud the records repeated. Then he
a iked that they be used at his funeral
His relatives assented, and this ht
Natives, congregation and friends
'd his own vo'.re as they stood he
Ms grave. Mr. Leach was born
EXPLORES
1
WATERPROOFING MATCHES.
Simple Method That May Be of Use
to Campers.
Perhaps some of your readers would
be interested to know that I have
found a slmpb, Inexpensive way to
waterproof matches. '
Into some melted paraffin (care be- 1
Ing taken that It was as cool as pos- !
slble) I dipped a few ordinary par
lor matches. After withdrawing them
and allowing them to cool it was
found that they acratched almost as '
easily as before being coated with the j
wax. Several were held under water
for six or seven hours and all of them
lighted as easily as before immersion.
When the match is scratched the
paramne I) flist rubbed off and the
match lights In the usual way.
.Matches treated as above would be
very useful on camping or canoeing
trips, as they do not absorb moisture.
Since more rubbing Is required to
light them than the ordinary match,
it would be practically impossible to
set them on fire by accidental drop
ping. Scientific American.
French "Tommies" and Their Bread,
The little loaves of bread supplied
to the French soldier have from time
immemorial been known by the name
of "boules de son" (literally "bra a
balls"). Tbelr origin dates back t
the First RepuUlc. In the Middle
Ages the French "Tommy Atkins" re
ceived no rations, and had to depend
on what he could get from the ene
my. At a later date a commissariat
department was created, and the sol
dier was allowed two loaves, of twelve
ounces, per diem. In 1790 the troops
received free rations of bread without
any dcduc.ion from their pay. This
bread contained a little flour, but bran
predominated hence the name, "bran
ial!s." In 1870 It was decided to sup
ply bread made of flour only, but the
loaves continued to retain their old
.ame. Now the "boule de son" is
about to disappear absolutely, and the
'braves soldats" will henceforth have
bread lighter aud more nourishing
than hitherto.
A Busy Joy.
The diminutive office boy had work
ed hard on a "salary" of three dollars
a week. He was a subdued little
chap, faithful and quiet Finally,
however, he plucked up courage
enough to ask for an increase. A
writer in the Kansas City Star tells
the tale.
"How much more would you like?"
in r;n' red his employer.
"Uell," answered the lad, "I don't
think that two dollars more a week
would be too much."
"You are a rather small boy to be
earning five dollars a week."
"I sup;ose I am," he replied. "I
know I'm small for my tge, but to
tell the t:uth, since I've worked here
I've been so busy I haven't had time
to grow."
He iot the "raise."
Blood Temperature of Athletes.
Professor Flack of the London Col
lege Hospital, records some curious
observations on the blood tempera
ture of runners. The normal blood
temperature In man Is about 98.11
degrees Fahrenheit A young man,
after a run of 200 yards, showed a
temperature of 100.76 degrees; an
other a temperature of 100.94 degrees;
third a temperature of 102.2 de
grees after a run of half a mile. A
mile run produced an Internal tem
perature of 1U2.8 degrees with one
athlete and 103.6 degrees with anoth
er. After a three-mile run one young
man bad a temperature of 105 de
grees. But this runner's normal blood
temperature was 101 degrees, although
he was in perfect health.
Queer Side Line.
In both India and China there are
thousands of people who manufacture
India Ink as a sldi line to their regu
lar business, working at it in the win
ter, at night and on days when they
are not otherwise employed. P. Is
made by burning bome kind of oil In
a lamp with a very long chimney,
usually made in joints which can be
taken apart for ,-reater convenience in
cleaning out the soot, which makes
the ink. Almot' any kind of vegeta
ble oil will ansTer, and in districts
where petroleum i- found even coal
oil Is used In making the cheaper
grades. The best kind is made from
sesame oil.
8k Signs.
Whether ciisr or cloudy, a rosy
sunset presages fine weather. A sick
ly looking, grtrnlsh hue, wind and
rain. A dark cr Indian red, rain. A
red sky in the morning, bad weather
or much wind; perhaps rain. A gray
sky in the morning, fine weather. A
high dawn, wind; a low dawn, fair
weather. Remarkable clearness of at
mosphere near the horizon, distant ob
jects, such as hills, unusually visible
or raised by refraction, and what is
called a good "bearing day," may be
mentioned among signs of wet, if not
wind.
Don't Snub Children.
Children love to bo treated with
tourtesy and respect They resent
having their opinions and sentiments
snubbed, and parents might learn
good dea! from them and about them
if they would encourage them to talk
more freely of all they think and
feel. We are hardened by the gather
ing years, and we have lost our keen
est sense of what Is the very truest
and the very best The contact of a
child's mind with its pure vision
like a message straight from God.
To Bresk Up Tipping In Iowa.
Dea Moines. Iowa The Committee
on rules In the lower house bae made
a rule prohibiting tipping employ
sea, iaeludlng committee clerks.
ALL HIS CHPS PET DRUNK
farmer Discovers Barnyard Sptak-
easy After Roosters Hiccough and
Will Give the Gold Cure.
Livingston, N. J. Jacob Foos, a
farmer of this place. Is seeking a gold
cure for his chickens. Thirty Ply
mouth Rocki In his barnyard have be
come Inebriates.
A week iiro Foos placed an old whis
ky barrel, with an end knocked out.
In an open space near the henhouse
as a shelter for a hen with a brood
of little chicks that had been hatched
out early. When the sun became hot
the hen retired to the barrel with her
brood. After a few days Foos ob
served that every chicken In his barn
yard seemed to be In a half stupor
even the young chicks. The roosters
went about the yard crowing in a hie
coughly way, and the hens clucked in
hoarse, guttural tones.
Foos was puzzled and he called In
W. F. Merrill, a veterinarian, who In
spected the coops and found nothing
wrong. Then he examined the bar
rel. One sniff at the air of the Inter
ior enlightened him.
"The chickens are drunk." Merrill .
said. Then he explained to Foos that
the whiskey barrel, which had been
In a damp cellar all winter, had been
affected by the sun, which brought the
alcohol out of the wood. The hen that
picked at the wood Irst must have
communicated the secret to the other
fowl, and all became visitors to the
barnyard "speak-easy."
Foos thought an easy solution of
the difficulty would be to burn the
whiskey barrel. This he did, but the
craving for drink had become too
strong In the chickens. An old roost
er, with the instinct of a confirmed
toper, found his way to sn Improvised
sl!o where Foos kept a supply of malt
which he buys from a brewery to feed
his cnttle. This proved a substitute
for the whisky barrel, and soon all the
chickens were clustered about the
Bllo, devouring the malt. Foos has
shut the chickens off from their new
form of dissipation, but fears that un
less he breaks them of the habit they
will wander off the farm In quest of
strong drink.
LEADER CF THE HOUSE INSURGENTS
VICTOR MURDOCK, OF KANSAS.
Representative Victor Murdock, of
Kansas, who led the onslaught of the
Republicans In Congress against the
Iron rule of Speaker Joe Cannon, has
arrived at fame and is now In great
demand throughout the country as a
speaker and lecturer.
HAMMER 8AVES A MAN'S EYE.
Doctor Uses Its Magnetic Property to
Draw Out a Steel Splinter.
St Louis, Mo. Armed only with a
10-cent tack hammer, Dr. G. C. Eggers
of Clayton performed an extremely
delicate surgical operation that saved
for George Schmleder the sight of one
of his eyes. A steel splinter an eighth
of an Inch long was removed from the
affected optic. Dr. Eggers skimmed
over the surface of the eyeball with
the blunt end of the hammer. This
skimming operation was continued
without cessation for nearly half an
hour. Suddenly the sufferer felt
twings of pain.
"You've got it, doctor," he exclaim
ed Joyfully.
On the hammer's end clung the steel
splinter, drawn from the tissue of
the eye by the magnetized head of the
hammer.
FAMOU8 TREE IS HURT.
Michael Angelo's Cypress, 350 Years
Old, Injured by Storm.
Home, Italy. A terrific storm broke
over Rome, doing considerable dam
age to property and causing the death
of one person.
The roof of the railroad station was
partially destroyed. A portion of tho
roof, in falling, tore off the top of the
Michael Angelo cypress In the court
of the Church of Santa Maria Angell
This tree Is supposed to have been
planted three hundred and fifty years
ago by the famous sculptor and paint
f- V
M
BEETLES IN' BIRDS' NE8T8.
New Region for th Efferts of Bug
Collectors.
In the Eritomol!j,st3r Monthly Mag
azine Mr. N. H. Joy Indicates an ap
parently little explored region for
"rare" beetles. Havlr, last year ob
t'.iutd various p -cle looked upon a
rare by collectors lu birds' uesta, Mr.
Joy was I' d to doubt the genuine rar
ity of tl.rse ipecics. He further con
eluded that If the nests of our familiar
blrdj and mamals were carefully
searched many species of beetle might
cease to bo labeled rare In the records
of entomology. Mr. Joy has put bis
theory to the test, and finds that
birds' nests are productive of many
rare and Interesting beetles. And In
searching the nests of smaller British
mamals this enthusiastic collector ha
been even more successful. Is It not
even possible that when such situa
tions are more carefully and exhaus
tively searched new jpecles of beetle
may reward the collector?
Ct-jne Ships.
Eleven years ago an Italian eft; I
neer made a boat of artificial fton
or cement which exclttd much Inter
est It a an ex:ellent boat, ai d I
yet In use. The framework, of llg'.i
Iron rods, was covered with a metal
lie trellis, and then coats of ce-ren
were applied. Inside and o'lt. to form
the hull. It prove"! surprising!)- re
s!stent to shocks. Since then
same enpmoer. Oitellinl. nss nv4t
many more "stone" boats, of vartoi
Torms, and amour them a bir?e. abmt
."4 feet long and Jotween 17 anj I?
feet broad, which for sevorjl years hi
been employed fcr carrylp- coal in
the harbor cf Clenca. He a si n-a''-r-ontoons
of the same material, r-hich
have been used to replace wooden rn
toons on tn Po. Th material lis'
better even thsn Iron, and U not nt
talked by salt water. Youth's Cora
panlon.
Health and Beauty.
Never visit a sick person with ati
empty stomach, especially If the com
plaint be contagious, as this dispose
the system more readily to receive
the contagion.
A Scotch teacher gave this advice tr.
her pupils "If you have cholera o'
Scarlet fever In the house, put some
cnlons under the bed, and they will
sweep away the disease."
Years ago when the cholera raged
through London, the onion proved of
value. It wa3 noted that in the most
unsanitary district, they were exempr
from the disease, being Italians and
great onion eaters, and in their homes
had strings of onions suspended across
the celling. The opinion is said to be
a powerful antidote against disease
The Ape and Primitive Man.
Mr. S. P. Verner points out that the
recent discovery of the chimpanzee
in a part of Africa where it bad not
been known to exist enable us to dj
fine a few regioas where the gorilla,
the chimpanzee and the pygmies exist
in conditions suggestive of the possi
bility of discovering the fossils of
their ancestry in good preservation.
The pygmies are row. known to have
existed practically In suit for 3.000
years, and it is probable, Mr. Verner
thinks, that the two great anthropoids
may have been there for as great or
a greater, length of time. He Is try
Ing to Indicate localities of limited
area In which the likelihood of dis
covering the fossils mentioned is very
treat
The Periscope.
Under this name Commandant Sou-
lie de C nac of the French Legion
of Honor has designed a pince-nez. or
eye-glass, which enables the wearer to
see at the same time on all sides, and
even behind. This Is ingeniously ef
fected by means of reflections. At
the saind lime the glasses are so con
ttructed as to correct miopia. anJ
other errors of vision. A use for the
instrument that the inventor did no'
think of has been revealed to him by
deaf persons employing It They say
that It increases their safety by cu
bling them to perceive the approach
of dangers o. which their ears give
tbem no warning.
Lightning and Petroleum.
At the beginning of September some
of the petroleum wells fired by a vio
lent thunder-storm near the end of
June at Boryslaw, Gallcla, were still
burning, like torch flames 40 or it)
feet In height It Is said that not lesa
& wells are struck by lightning every
year at Boryslaw, the cause being
ascribed to the obligatory use of sheet
Iron coverings for all the Installations
The Iron surfaces communicate with
the system of metallic tubes, thus
forming, during a thunder-storm, a
bort of Leyden Jar, which provoke
lightning strokes.
World's Sugar Production,
it is estimated that the total pro
duction of sugar throughout the world
Is about 2,000.000 tons per annum. Oi
this quantity nine-tenths are afforded
by the sugar cane, 25,000,000 tons oi
wblcn are required to produce the
above quantity of cane sugar. Tho
average of saccharine matter In tba
ripe West Iudlan sugar cane Is from
IS to 21 per cent, of which only II
per cent Is available to commerce.'
The to:al value of the sugar In th
cane, It It could be extracted, woulJ
be about $230.00. .000. but one-half
is lodt In the process ot manufacture
Why She Declined.
"Redly, nil la the itylUh lady, vu
tbuslutlt-ally, to ber (rieud, "II u
worth while to see the wonderful du
play of rhododendrons." 'Ms It?"
piled her friend, lanquldly; "I like I i
too' at the great big clumsy beast,
too; but it always smelts so unplnav
autly around the cages."
Tho Kind Ton Have Always
in uso for over 30 years,
- and has been made under his per
fJty7 sonal supervision since Its Infancy.
(GbCCAAZ, Allow no one todecclve vnn In fcia
All Counterfeits, Imitations and " Jnst-as-good" nro but
Experiments that trifle with and endanger the health of
Infants and Children Experience against Experiment.
What is CASTORIA
Castorla is a harmless substitute for Castor Oil, Pare
goric, Drops and Soothing Syrups. It is Pleasant. II
contains neither Opium, Morphine nor other Narcotic,
substance. Its age is its guarantee. It destroys Worms
and allays Feverishncss. It cures Diarrhoea and Wind
Colic. It relieves Teething Troubles, cures Constipation
and Flatulency. It assimilates the Food, regulates the
Stomach and Bowels, glviug healthy and natural sleep
The Children's Panacea The Mother's Friend.
GENUINE CASTORIA ALWAY8
JO
Sears the
The Kind You Have Always Bought
In Use For Over 30 Years.
" VMS CNTAUII WMMIIT, MHMUV STK' (T. MCW VOMI MTV.
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To All Our Subscribers
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AMERICAN FARMER
Indianapolis, Indiana.
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Nation. 'Edited by an Able Corps
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lished. It fills a position of its own and has taken the leading
place in the homes of rural people in every section of the United
States. It gives tLe farmer and his family something to think
about aside from the humdrum of routine duties.
Every Issue Contains an Original Poem by SOLON G000E
WE MAKE THE EXCEPTIONAL OFFER OF
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THE COLUMBIAN,
Birth-marks which mark anil mar
the outside of the boily are a griff to
every mother whoso child may bear
them. But for every child who bears
a birth-mark on the kin there are ma
ny who bear an indelible birth-mark
on the mind. Nervous mothers have
nervous ohlldren and many a man and
woman owes an irritable and desjiond
ent temperament to those days of
dread when the mother waited the
hour of her maternity. The use of Dr.
Pierce's Favorite Prescription strength- I
eus the mother for her trial. With !
strength comes a buoyancy of spirits'
and quietness of mind, which Is one of j
the happiest gifts a mother can bestow I
on ner offspring. By giving vigor and
elasticity to the womanly ergan "Fa
vorite Prescription" prautical'y does
away with the pain of maternity and
makes the baby's advent as natural
and as simple as the blossoming ofa
flower. No opium or alcohol in "Fa
vorite Prescription.'' All ingredient
printed on bottle-wrapper. Is not a se
cret or patent medicine, but is the open
prescription of an educated and expe
rienced physician.
You can blind any man by throwing 1
dust lu his eyes if it happens to be gold j
Bloomsburg Souvenir Books, 48
half tone pictures, 25 cents, at the
Columbian office, tf
Bought, and which has bca
has borne tho signature of
Signature of
One: THE COLUMBIAN
Bloomsbnrc, Pa.
Trespass Notices.
Card signs ';No Trespassing" for
sale at this office. They are print
ed in accordance with the late net
of 1903. Price 5 cents each, tf
Do you uhb an atomizkk hi treat
ing Nasal Catarrh? If ho you will ap
preciate Ely's Liquid Cream Bulm, the
quickest and surst remedy for this
disease. In all curative prnpertie it i
Identical with the solid Cream Balm,
which is so famous and so successful in
overcoming Catarrh. Hay Fwerand
Cold In the head. There U relief in
the first dash of spray upon the heated
ensltive nlr-passage. All druggist
too., including spraying tube, or mail
ed by Ely Bros.. 6tt Warren St., So
York.
Visiting cards aid Wedding invli
tations at the Columbian office, t
CASTORIA
Tor Infanta and Children.
Kind You Hare Always Bought
Bears
Signature of
'ango County, N. V.
er whose name it bears.