2 EVERLASTING FIRE. Iloiv tlio Parson Lost His Klondike Flock, "It appears to me," remarked the Rev. Mr. Tender Foote to one of his parishioners, "that there has been a sudden falling off in the attendance at our of worship. Have you any idea as to what may be the cause of this defection?" "Wal, parson," replied Chikoot Charlie, the person to whom these re marks were addressed. "I reckon I could make a purty close guess at the reason why the boys hev quit goin' to church. The fact 16 I don't think yer hit It jest right in yer sermon Sunday afore last." indeed!" exclaimed the dominie. "I rather prided myself upon that sermon, l-aihre prided myself upon that sermon. What fault do they find with it? Was it not orthodox?" "You've got me thar, parson. Not boln' a connosoor in seeh things, I hain't exactly say whether it wuz or- Ihydox er homepath, but anyway it SHUCK me ez not beln' pertickler well' suited to thcr needs of this here com munity." "All, I see. I presume I failed to clothe my thoughts iu sufficiently sim ple language." "No, that wasn't the trouble, par son. The boys ain't so slow but what they kin savvy most any kind of talk, even tf they air a lettle ltecrle6s about their own langwidge; but that sermon cZ yourn wasn't exactly the kind that would make 'em want ter fuller the straight an' narrow path, if you'll ex cuse me ter belli' so free. Ye see, yer laid It on purty thick about the Noo Jeiulalcm bein' paved with gold an' a!! that, an' then ye went on ter say that the other place wuz full of ever lastin' lire." "But surely there is nothing wrcng in that." "Mebbe not, parson, mebbe not. I don't say but what that kind of talk might ketch the people in the States, but up here in the Klondike coun try it's different. I licerd some of the boys sayin' after the sermon that if it come to a choice between gold pave ments an' everlasting' fire they'd take the fire ev'ry time. An' ye kain't blame 'em neither, considerin' that the ther mometer is down to fifty below zero an' still a droppin' . " A Klondike ICiilsode. Frcst-Bitten Pete was lounging in a corner of the bar of the Glazier House, taking no interest in the jollification that was in progress. A tenderfoot who I had just eoin6 shivering over the trail was being warmed up by a gang of choice spirits who kept him busy danc ing and swallowing chunks of frozen rhiskey. As the new-comer warmed up and the deadly-liquor began to thaw he became desperate, and with a quick twist of his hand whipped a revolver front his pocket. It was as pretty a 22-calll>re revolver as was ever seen on ! the Klondike. With a blood-curdling roar Frost- : Bitten Pete jumped into the crowd audi i caught the tenderfoot by the wrist. | "Gimme that!" he said grasping at the enamelled toy. The startled tenderfoot made no re sistance. "Here," said the burly desperado, handing over a small repeating cannon that he drew from his belt; "don't ay that I disarmed you. If you wajii* to mix with these gentlemen go on. I just want the loan of this little thing until to-morrow morning, for Ava lanche Sail has agreed to accept a pair of earrings I have made for her if I will pierce her ears for her, and I think this little thing will do the trick toi perfection." This public aonfession that he was in love accounted for his quietness during the first part pf the jollification, and as >he tendering was quick-witted e nough to ask all handß to drink to the pros pective bride, what might have been a tragedy ended in a glorious drunk.— Journal. Wants Ilia Leg Hack. After thirty years of hobbling about the world on crutches, General Daniel 13. Sickles is about to petition the Gov ernment he fought for to give back to hiiu his leg. He lost it in "Bloody Angle," at Get tysburg. It found its way by devious •ways into the Army Museum at Wash ington. Blackened with the erosion of years, stripped ti'wn to th e bare and shatter ed bones, it hangs on two brass rods, cheek by jowl with the articulated skeleton of a walrus. Here every year the old General seeks it out, gazing dumbly at it, with an un utteraole longing to have it buried, as the dead past which it represents is buried. "It is my leg," the old hero argues, "and it belong! to me now just as much as it did when my battaliDn went into action on the second day of Gettys burg." <3 There Is no label upon the leg of the Major General to blazon these facts to the public, for, as a matter of fact, the Army Medical Museum at Washington t> es not encourage amateur investiga tion into either its records or its speci men cases. The leg has no place of special prominence. It is simply in the "shot fracture" case with a lot of oth ers. and only its size and character dis tinguish it. But General Sickles knows | that it is his, and, whether from senti \ . ment or superstition, he wants it. He will, it is said, petition Congress to re- I store the member, if the museum au thorities continue to hold it against his will. Too Grand for 111- Taste. After the failure of Be Grand B. I.ockwood, some years ago, his magnif icent place at Stamford, including fur niture and fixtures, was advertised for caie. Among the rich men who visited his house with the view of purchasing was Thomas L Scott, then president ol the Pennsylvania railroad. It happened' that he remained late in the evening and had to remain all night. Bedtime approached, and he went to his room. L Presently there was a tugging at bells. I followed by an inrush of servants. "Get ft mo an old blanket," said the autocrat B cf the biggest rallifiad system in the ■ world. "Any old thing will do. I want ■ to sleep on the floor." Nothing could IW Induce him bo touch the bed. The I sheets had a lace border a foot wide P the sight of which filled the staple old K magnate with fear, and trembllng- K '> Flttbsjurg Dispatch. PAT AND TH*i ADMIRAL Or Uov a Situation Win Saved by Irlsli Wit. A strict rule promulgated by every successive commandant at the Navy Yard prohibits smoking on Mare Island under the moat stringent penalties. Admiral Miller, sauntering one recent afternoon through a distant part of the island, says the San Francisco Wave, came upon an Irish Laborer digging a trench, and smoking a short, blacn pipe* He was puffing away serenely, 1 unconscious of the regulations and with ev.dent enjoymcut. The Admiral, who was in undress uniform, slopped. "iJon't you know, sir, that smoking is absolutely prohibited in tlie Navy Yard?" he said. The Irishman looked up and, with a kindly smile, answered: "In'dade, that's true, but here am I i all be meself. wid not a sowl to say a I wurrud to, and I thought I'd take a puff or two to re'ave the silence." "The regulations are explicit, sir," | rebuked the Admiral, "and the silence i does not excuse you. What's your j name, s'r?" "An' who may you be, anyway?" ask- ; cd the Irishman. "I'm Admiral Miller." "Ah, 'tis the new Armiral y e are. . 'Tis the fat job ye have, Admiral. Bci, careful to kape it. Me name's Pat Mc- j Ginuis." ' Heport at my ofilce this afternoon w' hi.ut fail, McGinnis," said Miller, who could hardly keep from laughing, j At five o'clock poor Patrick, who had made up his mind there would be the devil to pay, tramped over to headquar ters, and the orderly ushered him into the dreaded presence of the Admiral, who "aid: "Sit down, Pat." Pat eat down. Miller touched a bell. Th? orderly appeared. "Bring a bottle of champagne and two glasses," he said. Not a word was spoken until the wine arrived. The Admiral filled the two glasses and pushed one over to ward the Irishman. "Pat," he said, "give mo the pipe. You'll not need it again." j The mystified laborer obeyed. "Now," said the Admiral, "drink hearty, Pat, but you'll keep your job as long as I'll keep mine." Nor is this the first situation saved by Irish wit. i Tim thuiiiplmi Snorer. iL, ! W j "Ain't you afraid your bouse on Mad ison avenue will be robbed while you are. awhy?" "There is no danger. Old Jackson sleeps there every night." "But he is old and feeble, and could , offer but little resistance to burglars." j "That makes no difference. He snores so l"ud and peculiar that the burglars whb try to get into the house think there are at least three mn in- , side, and run for their lives." i Ha Couldn't bo j ' Comedian Jimmy Cook, the clever vaudeville artist, is a native of this '.ity, born and raised on the West Side. James, during his boyhood days,"Whs what is termed a clever "sidewalk com edian"—that is, he was a great enter tainer and jolly good fellow among his associates. About twelve years ago the idea of amateur nights at the museums, then in their prime, was suggested, and many who had, and many who hadn't, 1 talent were induced to make an appear ance on the museum stage. Cook got i mixed up with one of these assemblages one night, and as he could dance and sing a bit and tell what he thought were funny stories, he decided to give himself a trial. Manager Frank Drew, who on these occasions was more par ticular to secure bad talent, and the worse the better, than he was to have good, readily consented to Mr. Cook's proposition. The act was so bad it was funny, but Mr. Cook thought it was all | right, for alter that he insisted upon gt- , ing on at every performance, there being ' ten or each day. To this ar rangemcnftlr. Drew seriously objected, | but the objection cut no ice with Jim- | my. He went on just the same, and I kept doing so, until he became a per- \ feet pest about the museum; so much 1 EO, in fact, that Mr. Drew was finally J obliged to hire an extra man to keep ' him off the stage. This was twelve : years ago and it is quite different now. i Mr. Drew has to salaam to Mr. Cook in I order to keep him on the stage, and the | green boy with the bad act is one of the leading comedians of the day. Hired Him Over Again. ' The following story from the St. Louts Globe Democrat illustrates sev eral things: When J. W. Sherwood, now general 1 snperintendend of the Clover Leaf, was j superintendent of the Big Four, he had j to discharge a brakeman for violation | of rules. The man hung about the of- j iice, asking for a letter of recommenda tion. To get rid of him, Mr. Sherwood | told W. A. Sullivan, who was his chief clerk, to write the letter. This Mr. Sul livan did. The man went out, and re turned in halt an hour. "What's the matter now?" asked Mr. Sherwood. "That letter you gave me Is all right, isn't it?" "Of course It Is. That ought to gel you a job anywhere." "Well, I wish you would read this letter of recommendation I've got, Mr Sherwood, and give me a Job.', Sherwiood took the letter on which his own name was hardly dry, road it carefully, and remarked: "I am well acquainted with Sher-, wood, and any one he recommends must be all right. You report to the , trainmaster, and tell him to put.you tc . work." ' ;""l THE COLUMBIAN, BLOOMSBURG, PA. | WHISTLED ANNIE LAURIE. ' He Tkeu Proceeded to Clean Out the Clinic. Dr. Edward Rlcketts, of Clncinati, Is one of the largest men physically and ! mentally in the Southern Surgical and •' gynecological association. He is known | as a daring and skillful operator, and : has achieved reputation by his contri i buttons to medical journals on abdom inal surgery. Those who know the doc j xcr say he is as brave ordinarily as j Julius CeaEhr. Yet, like the Styx-dip ped Achilles, he has a vulnerable spot. The story told on the general surgeon I come from his ho aurn THE CUSTER The account ot this terrlWe nglit, written down by Hamlin Garland salt came trom the Hps or Tm> Moons, an old Indian chlel who was a par- MASSACRE tlclpant In it. Its houses, Btreets, means or travel, water supply, safeguards of lite and vt'VV YORK health, sports and pleasures—the conditions or life of the perfected city of the next century, by Col. George E. waring, Jr., Commissioner of the Street- IV rn;n Cloanlng Department of New York. "> MARK TWAIN Mark Twain contributes an article In his old manner, describing his voyage trom India to South Africa. The Illustrations are by .1. D. Frost and Peter .Vetrell, and are as droll and humorous as the article Itself. Andree : Ills Balloon and Ills Expedition, from materials furnished by ADVENTURE the brother ot Mr. Strlngberg, Andree'B companion. Sven Hedtnehn. Iflicx ptored Aski, a story of remarkable adventure and endurance. l-anttor in Thibet. Ills own story. He was captured, tortured and tlnally escaped to India. Jackson In the Far Sarth. The lamnns explorer writes of the years he lived In regions far north of the boundaries of human habitation. NANSEN The great Arctic explorer has written an article on the possibilities of reaching the North Pole; on the methods that, the next expedition should adopt, and the Important scientific knowledge to be gained by an expedition; concerning the climate, the ocean currents, deoths and temperature or the water, etc. This knowledge will be ot tb greatest value to science. The best, artists and Illustrators are making nlctures for MC- TT T TITRATIONS Ci.t-SR's Magasinb. A 11. Frost, reter Sescell, C. D Gibson,Roward Pyte, Kenyan Coje, C. K. Llnsun, W. 1). Stevens, Alfred Brennan , and others. FREE The November number win he given free with new subscriptions. This number oonf ntns the opening chapters ot Dana's Hetnlnlscencea. Mark Twain's Voyage Prom India to .south Africa, the account or Kdlsou's great invention, and a mass or lnteiestlng matter and Illustrations. We sure to ask tor t la subscribing. 10 eta. a Copy. *t.OO a Year. The S. S. McCLURE CO., 200 East 25th Street, New York. " Several physicians treated me, but no permanent benefit was derived. " Four times I was stricken with nervous prostration ; twice with gastritis. "These attacks would throw me into spasms. " I could eat neither meat or vegetables. " If my bare feet touched the floor I was immediately seized with cramps. " I was used up; helpless, hopeless. "I commenced to take Dr. Williams' Pink Pills for Pale People. One box was consumed and I felt no better. TWs dis couraged me. "My wife urged me to try the pills some more, feeling that my life depended upon the result. " I continued to take them. "Since then, and it has been several months, I have enjoyed life. "Have preached all summer and held revival meetings for fifteen weeks. " I have had no muscular exercise for years, but recently, have done considerable hard work in my garden, my muscles standing this test remarkably well. " Every Sabbath I preach three times and now think I am good for another twenty years, if the Lord wills." To add weight to his words, Rev. Mc- Cready made affidavit before J. D. Brookes, Notary Public. Dr. Williams' Pink Pills for Pale People exert a powerful influence in restoring wasted nerve power and in purifying and enriching the blood. Druggists consider them the most effective ltincdy which they dispense. Fine PHOTO GRAPHS and CRAYONS at McKillip Bros., Bloomsburg. The best are the cheapest. oVv R TID-BITS FOR IflA' HONEY! and tender little juicelets for the chil dren, arc all right, but papa and "the beys" want a good, big, juicy steak, roast or chop when business or school duties are over, and we can cater to them all. Our stock of prime meats is unexcelled for quality, and we send them home in fine shape. j. E. keifi:R. THE MARKETS. BLOOMSBURG MARKETS. COHHKCTKD WBKKLY. BKTAIL PHICSg. Butter per lb $ ,18 Eggs per dozen .17 Lard per lb. 07 Hani per pound ..ac Pork, whole, per pound .06 Beef, quarter, per pound,... .07 Wheat per bushel 1 00 Oats " " 30 Rye " " .50 Wheat flour per bbl 5.50 Hay per ton 12 to sl4 Potatoes per bushel, new,.... .90 Turnips " " .25 Onions " " 100 Sweet potatoes per peck .35 Tallow per lb .05 Shoulder " " .08 Side meat " " .08 Vinegar, perqt .05 Dried apples per lb .05 Dried cherries, pitted .12 Raspberries ,12 Cow Hides per lb .3J Steer " " " .05 Calf Skin .80 Sheep pelts .75 Shelled corn per bus .50 Corn meal, cwt 1.50 Bran, " .85 Chop " .90 Middlings " .85 Chickens per lb new .11 " " " old 11 Turkeys " " 12J Geese " " ,14 Ducks " " 08 COAL. No. 6, delivered 2.60 " 4 and 5 " 3 8s " 6 at yard 2 35 " 4 and s at yard 3 60 The Leading Consenratory of America-— —"Zq CARL FABLTEN, Director. Founded I n 1853 by "Cl * * full information. W. HALB, General Manager. NEW DINING ROOfIS. A LARGE and wall furnished dining room AiuiD,r.r tauiant. Meals will be served at the regular dining hours for 25c. nnd they can also be obtained at any time. The table will be sup plied with the delicacies of the season and the service will be flrst-clas3. Entrance by door between Restaurant and. Malfaiera's grocery store. Persons exposed to weather are protected by ' vw ;t V BcUadcnua ' . MS , rr TOUCHES THE '• SPOT, PATENTS - Caveats and Trade Marks obtained, and all Patent business conducted (or MODERATE FEES. OUR OFFICE IS OPPOSITE TITR U. 8. PAT ENT OFFICE. We have no snlvstgenclee, al bustnpss direct, bence can transact natent boat ■ ness In less time and al Less Cost (nun those re mote from Washing;toa. 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