CONCERNING THE DRAFT.
SELECTIONS FROM THE WRITINGS
OF ARTEMUS WARD.
Many Citizen Tlio I'p Stagn Driving as
an Occupation to Avoid Military Ser
vice Intelligence Ilenclvvil KeliUlve to
! the Attitude of the Government.
Copyrighted nnd published by ajxvlal arrnwe
nient Willi O. W. Dillingham, 'er York, putv
U&lier.J , XV.
THE DRAFT IX BALMXSVO.LK.
P TM drafted I khaII resign.
y Deeply grutufnl for the onex
pected hontir thus conferred
npon roe I shall feel conipoM to
resign the position in favor of
sum more worthy rn'rsou. Mod
esty is what ails me.
I meanter-say, I shall hav to resign if
Tin drafted everywheres I've bin inrold.
1 must now, furriustung, be inrold in up
ards of 200 different towns. If I'd kept
on travelin' I should hav cveutooaly be
cuin a Brigade, in whioh caso I could
Lave held a uieetin' and elect&l myself
Brigadeer-ginral quite unimimi.ss. I
hadn't no idea there was so many of me
before. But, serisly, I concluded to stop
exhibitin', and made tracks for Baldins
Yille. My only daughter threw herself onto
my boosum. nnd said, "It is me fayther!
I thank the Godsl"
She reads the Ledger.
"Tip us yer bunch of fives, old faker!"
said Aetemcs, Jb. He reads the CUpier.
My wii'e was to the sowin' circle. I
knew she and the wimin folks was havin'
a pleasant time slanderin' the females of
the other sowin circle (which likewise
met that arternoon, and was doubtless
enjoyin' theirselves ekally well in slan
derin' the fust named circle), and I didn't
Bend for her. I alius like to see people
enjoy theirselves.
My son Orqustus was playin' onto a
floot.
Orqustus is a ethereal cuss. The twins
was bildin' cob-houses in a corner of the
kitchen.
It'll cost some postage stamps to raise
this fam'ly, and yet 'X 'ud go hard with
the old man to lose any lamb of the
.ock.
An old bachelor is a poor critter. He
;aayhave hearn the skylark or (what's
nearly the same thing) Miss Kkllooq
and Carlo TTY Patti sing; he may have
hearn Ole Bull fiddle, and all the Doo
W0ETH3 toot, an yet he don't know
nothin' about music the real, ginuine
thing toe music of the laughter of
happy, well fed children I And you may
ax the father of such children home
to dinner, feelin' worry sure there'll be
no spoons missin' when he goes away.
Sich fathers never drop tin five-cent
pieces into the contribution box, nor
palm shoe pegs off onto blind bosses for
oats, nor skedaddle to British sile whon
their country hi in dunger nor do any
thing which is really mean. I don't mean
to intimate that the old bachelor is up
to little games of this sort not at ail
but I repeat, he's a poor critter. He
don't live here only stays. He ought to
pologize, oa behalf of his parients, for
bein' here at all. The happy marrid
man dies in good stile at home, sur
rounded by his weeping wife and chil
dren. The old bachelor dem't die at all
he sort of rota away, like a polly wog's
tail.
My townsmen were sort o' demoral
ized. There was a evident desine to
evade the Draft, us I obsarved with sor
rer, and patritism was below Par and
Mar, too. A jew desprit. I hadn't no
sooner sot down on the piazzy of the
tavrun than I saw sixteen solitary hoss
men, ridiu four abreast, wending their
way up the street. .
' "What's them? Is it cavilry?"
( "That' said the landlord, "is the
stage. Sixteen able-bodied citizens has
lately bo't the stage line 'tween here and
Scotsbnrg. That's them. They're Stage
drivers. Stage-drivers is exempt!"
I saw that each stage-driver carried a
letter in hia left hand.
"The mail is heavy today," said the
landlord. "Gin'rally they don't have
more'n half a dozen letters 'tween 'em.
Today they've got one apiece! Bile my
lights and liver!"
"And the passengers?"
"There ain't any, skacely now-days,"
aid the landlord, "and what few there
k very much prefer to walk, tUe roads is
o rough."
"And how ist with you?" I inquired of
the editor of the Bugle-Horn of Liberty,
who sot near me.
"I can't go," he sed, shakin' his head
in a wise way. "Ordinarily I should de
light to wade in gore, but my bloedin'
country bids me stay at home. It is im
peratively necessary that I remain here
for the purpose of announcin' from week
to week that our Gov'metU is about to
take vigorous measure to put down the
rebellion.'"
I strolled into the village oyster sa
loon, where I found Dr. Schwazey, a
leadin' citizen, in a state of mind which
thowed that he'd bin his tin' in more'n his
.hare of pizun.
"Hello, old Beeswax," he hollered;
'how's yer grandma ins? When yoo
join' to feed your staffed aniuiils?"
"What's the matter with the eminent
physician?" I pleasantly inquired.
"This," he said, "this is what's the
1 1 if
matter. I'm a luibitooal drunkard! I'm
; exempt!"
i "Jos' so."
i "Do you we them Ikvuis, old man?"
! and ho pinted to a plate before him.
I "Do you we 'em?"
I "I do. They nro a cheerful fruit when
used tempritly."
I "Weil," Mid he, "I hain't eat any
thing siiico last week. I eat beans now
brai'isc I eat lieaus tltcn. I never mix
my vi'lles!"
"It's quite proper yon ehnild eat a lit
tle sii thin' once in a while," I said. "It's
a ffood idee to occasionally instruct tho
Btummick that it mustn't depend excloo
sively on lickrr for its sustainauco."
"A LleBsin'," ho cried; "a blessin' onto
tho hed of the man what invented brans.
A blessin' onto his hed!"
"Which his name is Gilson! He's a
first, family of BostLn," said I.
This is a specimen of how things was
goiu' in my place of residence.
A few were trno blue. Tho school
master was among 'em. He greeted ine
warmly. He said I was welkim to tlrnso
shores. IIj said 1 had a massiv mind.
It was gratifyiu', he said, to see that
great intellect stalkin' in their midst
onct more. I have before liad occasion
to notico this schoolmaster. He is evi
dently a young man of far more than
ord'nary talents.
The schoolmaster proposed wo should
git up a mass meetin'. The meetiu' was
largely attended. We held it in the
open air round a roaria' bonfire.
Tho schoolmaster was tho firt orator.
He's pretty gou J on tho speak, fie also
writeu well, his composition bein' seldom
marred by ingrammaticisms. Ho said
this inactivity surprised him. "What
do you expect will come of this kind of
doin's? Xihilfit"
"Hooray for Nihil!" I interrupted.
"Fellow-citizens, let's giv three cheers
for Nihil, tho man who fit!"
The schoolmaster turned a little red,
but repeats "XihilJU."
"Exactly." I said. "Nihil fit. He
wasn't a strategy fuller."
"Our venerable friend," said the
schoolmaster, smiling pleasantly, "isn't
posted in Vir;;il."
"No, I don't know him. But if he's a
able-bodied tnan he mast stand his littlo
draft."
Tho schoolmaster wound up in elo
quent style, and the subscriber took the
stand.
I said tho crisis had not only cum it
self, but it had brought all its relations.
It has cum, I said, with a evident inten
tion of makin' us a jjood long visit. It's
goin' to take off its things and stop with
us. My wife says so too. This is a
good war. For those who liko this war,
it's just such a land of war as they like.
Ill bet ye. My wife says so too. If the
Federal araiy succeeds in takin' Wash
ington, and they seem to be advanciu'
that way pretty often, I shall say it is
strategy, and Washington will be safe.
And that noble banner, as it were
that banner, as it were will be
a embleir, or rather, I should say,
that noble banner as it were. My wife
says bo too. I got a little mixed up
here, but they didn't notice it. Keep
mum. Feller citizens, it will bo a
proud day for this Republic when Wash
ington is safe. My wife says so too.
The editor of the Bugle-Horn of Lib
erty here arose and said: "I do not wish
to interrupt the gentleman, but a im
portant despatch lias just bin received
at the telegraph office hero. I will read
it. It is as follows: Oov'meut is about
to take vigorous measures to put down
tlie rebellion! Loud applause.
That, said I, is cheering. That's sooth
ing. And Wasliington will be safe.
Sensation.! Philadelphia is safe. Gen.
Patterson s in Philadelphia. But my
heart bleeds partic'ly for Washington.
My wife says so too.
There's money enough. No trouble
about money. They've got a lot of first
class bank-note engravers at Washing
ton (which place, I regret to say, is by
no means safe) who turn out two or three
cords of money a day good money, too.
Goes well. These bank-note engravers
made good wages. I expect they lay up
property. They are full of Union senti
ment. There is considerable Union sen
timent in Virginny, more especially
among the honest farmers of the Shen
andoah valley. My wife says so too.
Then it isn't money we want. But we
do want men, and we must have them.
We must carry a whirlwind of fire
among the foe. We must crush the un
grateful rebels who are poundin' the
Goddess of Liberty over the head with
slnng-shots, and stabbin' her with stolen
knives! We must lick 'em quick. We
must introduce a largo number of first
class funerals among the people of the
South. Betsy says so too.
This war hain't been too well man
aged. We all know that. What then?
We are all in the saino boat if the boat
goes down, we go down with her. Hence
we must all fight. It aiu'tno use to talk
now about who caused the war. That's
played out. The war is upon us upon
us all and we must all fight. We can't
"reason" the matter with the foe.
When, in the broad glare of the noon
day sun, a speckled jackass boldly and
maliciously kicks over a peanut-stand do
we "reason" with him? I guess not.
And why "reason" with those other
Southern people who are trying to kick
over the Republic? Betsy, my wife, says
so too.
The meeting brake up with enthusi
asm. We shant draft in Baldinsville if we
can help it.
An Judlan Whom tb Prloeo Befriended.
"Orouligutcklia, M. D., Toronto," was
written on the register at the Grand Pa
cific hotel by a good looking, brood
shouldered six footer. The guest is an
Indian who in his youth was chief of a
tribe of Mohawks. The Prince of Waloa
whon he visited Canada was favorably
impressed with the dusky young chief,
and after some littlo urging the latter
consented to go England to be educated
at the expense of his royal high new. He
graduated at Oxford and sulisuquentiy
took a medical degree in aschool in Lon
don. Since that time he has practiced
in Toronto. He is polished and refined
in his manners. Chicago Tribute. '
"The People's Store."
OF
DAKYIIXI2. PEN A. .
Are now oflerinp: grout inducements to the OT2ZHNS
of BL,OOiMSniJIiLCJ ami vicinity. During the mouth of
May they agree to pay the irc for the round trip via
tlie Delaware, Lackawanna &
lteading JLaurosuIs on nil Cash purchases amounting to . I en
Dollars ($10.00) or over.
This will enable the people of Bloomsburg n ml surrounding
towns a good chance to visit the largest and finest store room
in the Susquehanna Valley nnd at the same time the largest
stock of Dry Goods, Dress Goods, Silks, Velvets, Plushes,
Domestics, Prints, Ginghams, Notions Hosiery, Underwear,
Coats, Capes, Carpets, 13oote and Shoes, Hardware, Crockery,
Groceries and Provisions.
From which to make your selections. We guarantee that
you will be well repaid by a visit to our mammoth establish
ment. Buy your round trip ticket and on presentation of return
coupon and purchase of goods amounting to Ten Dollars the
price of the ticket will be refunded
D. L. & W. R. Pv.
Trains leave Bloomsburg
" Rupert
" " Catawissa
Arriving at Danville
Returning leave Danville
Phila.
Trains leave Bloomsburg
' " CatawissH
" Rupert
Arriving at Danville
Returning leave Danville
fc
"THE PEOPLES STORE"
W. C FRBCK CO.
Cor. Mill & Centre Sts.
DANVILLE PENNA.
ALEXANDER BROTHERS & CO.
DEALERS IX
Cigars, Tobacco, Candies, Fruits and Nuts
SOLE AGENTS FOR
Henry Maillard's Fine Candies. Fresh Every Week.
Fsirasr-z" GOODS j Seecijlx-t-2-.
SOLE AGENTS FOR
F. F. Adams & Co's Fine Cut Chewing Tobacco'
Sole agents lor the following brands of Cigars:
Henry Clay, Londros, Normal, Indian Princess, Samson, Silver Ash
Bloomsburg, Pa.
IF YOU ARE
CARJPET,
or OIL CJLOTII,
YOU WILL FIND A NICE LINE AT
W. 1L BIO WEI'S
2nd Door above Court House. '
A new lot of Window Curtains received this week.
CLOSING OUT GOLD PENS AND PEN
CILS AT COST, at
J". Ok WELLS-'
Bring Your Watch,
work to J.
EYES FITTED FOR GLASSES
FREE OF CHARGE-AT
J. G. WELLS,
COLUMBIAN 3UILUING.
CHI0HE8M8 ENQU8H, RED CROSS W DIAMOND BRAND A
?EttttNR0NMiriiS &
TMI ODIOINAl NO OCnUINC. Th ami? Bale, Ban, udmfeiM.PIU hr Hh. VXjT
UtdlM. aik Drun.l hr CKWkMMr'1 Mmfftk Uitmond And In IU4 ud IMS uullll y
w yf Ail llu to puwlword biiit,plk'rwminHiMiiwulwMI Al Dragglau, tr m4 wM
"Western and the Philadelphia &
A. M. .P. M. P. M.
8.31 12.18 4.15
8.37 12.2:1 4.22
8.42 12.28 4.28
8.57 12.42 4.4G
10.33 2.11 0.0 f
Rdcr.
R. R.
A. M P. M.
8.10 3.10
8.10 3.20
S.17 3.28
8.31 3.43
11.0'J G.03
RESPECTFULLY,
IN NEED OF
MATTING,
Clock, and Jewelry
G. WELLS.
UK ORGANS 4
J. SALTZER'S
vm
With many years experience in buying and selling musical instrumJ
and sewing machines I can guarantee to my customers the best in the markets
Pianos and Organs purchased of me, can be relied upon. If anything get.
out of order, it can easily be corrected, and a great deal of annoyance saved.
Instructions given to all purchasers of Sewing Machines, how to operate them
successfully.
The STECK TJANO is the best made. Its tone is surpassed
by none. You make no mistake if you buy a Steck.
We hure also the
ESTEY and the STAliU
PIANOS,
And The
ESTEY, MILLER and
UNITED STATES
ORGANS.
We sell Pianos from $250 to
$600, and Organs from $7sJto $175.
In Sewing Machines we
We sell the best Sewing Mach
ine made for $19.50.
jr. alizert BIoomsMrgt Pa.
C.B. BOBBINS, ;',
DEALER IN
Foreign and Domestic
WINES AND LIQUORS.
Bloomshurq, Pa. '
Spring days are at hand and
premonitions of warm weather
bring with them a desire for
cooling dishes. We shall keep
Ice Cream of many flavors
from now on, and will serve it
in our parlors day or night.
Families and parties sup
plied. Get our prices.
The Cafe is open, and the
kitchen is in charge of an ex
perienced cook. Catering for
parties, lodges, weddings, etc.,
a specialty.
Fresh bread and cakes daily
in the bakery.
M. M PHILLIPS & SON.
Proprietors of
"PHILLIPS' CAFE."
Bloomsburg, Pa.
Wito-ks Business toiler
AND BCIIOOL OF
SHORTHAND and TYPEWRITING,
WII.KEH.BARRF,, PA,
A PIA0TI0AL THA1HIU0 SCHOOL
fOR LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
HpglHtry of Htudents one-fourth luivcr
thun ever before t thtH (into. nBnt HVHtumJ of
Hook-keenlii( and Hliorilmml. J'ln'ln, rapid
ByHtem of business I'eiimuuHlilp. The Htuml
aid HemlUKtou Typewriter uiulnly used. The
confidence of the busmen publlo U Hliown
by tlielr contluued and Ini'.retiued Imiulry for
..ill. f.rudiii.ti.u (un aula. .1 1
I (). I,EWIH RU.I1WIM I
SEWING MACHINES.
maceise
can give you the Celebrated
WHITE "
The best Machine in the world.
The
NEW DOMESTIC,
The ROYAL ST. JOHN,
The STANDARD
ROTARY
And the NEW HOME.
KESTY & HOFFMAN,
II
We repair Engines, Boilers, Saw Mills,
Threshers, Harvesters. Mowers and
all kinds of machinery.
WE HANDLK
STEAM PIPE FITTINGS,
VALVES, STEAM GAUGES.
And all kinds of Repairs.
PIPE CUT TO OHDER.
AGENTS FOR
Garfield Injector Co., Garfield
Double Jet Injector, Automatio
and Locomotive Injector.
All work done by us is guaranteed
to give satisfaction, and all work in
our line will be promptly attended to
SHOPS - 6th and 0ENTEE STEEETS-
Practica
Macii
lists
Mmr! parker'8 I
fc2KS$3 n, HA,I BALSAM
lWKfr2li eu" ud Wautitlut Uio hall.
a-AwV- I rronioloi ft luxurunl rruvth.
PsifTVa? -fcl l?,"p o Beitor Ormy
PWJCt I Hulr ? ! Vouthlul Color.
lyfK?'l im Cui-M wiilp dijf.K. !,.r UUiiif.
"--( 7, lie,nil,imt f)rmitiU
ftlPJPs.PPP?,1!8' '1'h only mr. cur. fbrConm
I