WAX WORKS GOING HOME
SELECTIONS FROM THE WRITINGS
OF ARTEMU3 WARD.
The Showman Makr the Arqiinlntntire
f Frvtty Olrl, a Fence llnll antl lel
ftatlons of Kxrlted Cltlxeni A Fonrth
of July Speoth In Connecticut.
OonyrljrlitmJ and pnlilhhwl ly pneot! rrw
mnnt with U. W. Dillingham, Now York, ub
Unhw XIII.
Timn.LiNa scenes in Dare.
HAD a narrer scape from the
sonny South. "The swings
and arrers of out rajns for
tin," alludeJ to by Hamlick,
wam't nothin in comparison
to my troubles. I come
pesky near swearing some
profane oaths morc'n onct,
but I hopo I didn't do it, for I'vo prouiist
she whoso name shall be nameless (ex
cept that her initials is Betsy J.) that I'll
fine the Meetin IIouso at Baldinsvillo,
jest as soon as I can scrape money enuff
together so I can 'ford to be piuss in
good stile, like my welthy nabors. But
if I'm confisticated ain I'm fraid I shall
continner on in my present benited state
for sum time.
I figgered conspicyously in many
thrillin scenes in my tower from Mont-
gomry to my humsted, and on sevril I
occasions I thought "the grate kouiick
paper" wouldn't lie enriched no more
with my lubrications. Arter biddin adoo
to Jefferson D. I started for the depot. I
saw a nigger sittin on a fence a-playin
on a banjo. "My Afrikan Brother," sed
I, coting from a Track I onct rod, "you
belong to a very interestin race. Your
masters is goin to war excloosively on
your account."
"Yes, boss," he replied, "an' I wish
'em honorable graves," and he went on
playin the banjo, larfin all over and
opunin his mouth wide enuff to drive in
an old fashioned 2 wheeled chaise.
The train of cars in which I was to
trust my wallerable life was the scaliest,
rickytiest lookin lot of consarns that I
ever saw on wheels afore. "What time
does this string of second hand coffins
leave?" I inquired of the depot master.
He sed direckly, and I went in & sot 1
down. I hadn't mor'n fairly squatted
afore a dark lookin man with a swinis
ter expression onto his countenance en
tered the cars, and looking very sharp
it me, he axed what was my principles?
"Seceshr I answered. "I'm a Dlsso
iuter. I'm in favor of Jeff Davis, Bowre
gard, Pickens, Capt. Kidd, Bloobeard,
Munro Edards, the devil, Mrs. Cunning
ham and all the rest of 'em."
"You're in favor of the war?"
"Certingly. By all means. I'm in
favor of this war and also of the next
war for over sixteen years!"
I've bin in favor of the next war.
"War to the knife!" sed the man.
"Bind, Eargo, Blud!" sed I, tho them
. words isn't orrigernul with me.
We got under way at larst, an' pro
ceeded on our jerney at about the rate
of seed which is ginrally obsarved by
properly conducted funeral processions.
A hansum ynng gal, with a red mus
keter bar on the bock side of her hed.
and a sassy little black hat tipt over her
forrerd, sot in the seat with me. She
wore a littla Sesesh flag pin'd onto her
hat, and she was a goin for to see hor
true love, who had jined the Southern
army, all so bold and gay. So she told
me. She was chilly, and I offered her
my blanket.
"Father livinr' I axed.
"Yes sir."
"Got any Uncles?"
"A heap. Uncle Thomas is ded, tho."
"Peace to Uncle Thomas' ashes, and
success to him! I will be your Uncle
Thomas! Lean on me, ray pretty Socesh
ar, tnd linger in Blissful repose!" She
slept as sccoorly as in her own honseu.
At the first station a troop of Sojers
entered tho cars and inquired if "Old
Wax Works" was on bored. That was
the disrespectiv stile in which they re
ferred to me. "Bccawz if Old Wax
Works is on bored," sez a man with a
face like a double brested lobster,
"we're going to hang Old Wax Works!"
"My illustrious and patriotio Bum
mers!" sez I, a gittin up and takin orf
my Shappo, "if you allude to A. Ward,
it's my pleasin dooty to inform you that
he's dud. He saw the error of his ways
at 13 minits parst 2 yesterday, and
Btabbed hisself with a stuffed sled stake,
dyinin five beautiful tabloos to slow
moosic! His larst words was: 'My per
feehernal career is over! I jerk no
more.'"
"And who be you?"
"I nm a stoodent in Senator Benja
min's law offss. I'm going up north to
steal some spoons and things for the
Southern Army."
This was satisfactry and tho intossi
cated troopers went orf. At the next
station the pretty little Secesher awoke
and said she must get out there. I bid
her a kind adoo and give her some per
vishuns. "Accept my blessin and this
hunk of gingerbread!" I sed. She thankt
me muchly and tript galy away.
At the next station I didn't get orf bo
easy. I was dragged oat of the cars and
rolled in the mud for several minits, for
the purpose of "takin the conscet out of
ne," us a Succrher kindly stated.
I was let up finally, when a powerful
large Seceoher came up and embraced
me, and to show that he had no hard
foelin ajr'.u me put his nose into my
mouth. I returned the rcmiptimunt bjr
placin my stnmmick suddenly ngin his
right foot, when ho kindly made a spit
toon of his ublo-bodicd faco. Actooatod
by a desiro to see whether the Secesher
had been vaxinated I then fastened my
teeth onto his loft coat sleeve and tore it
to tho shoulder.
Wo then vilently bunted our heads to
gether for n few minits, danced around
a little, and sot down in a mud puddle.
We riz to our feet agin, and by a sudden
and adroit movement I placed my left
eye agin tho Scccnher's fist. Wo then
rushed into each other's arms and fell
under a two-hoss wagov. I wns very
much cxhiiustid and didn't enro about
gittin up agin, but tho man said ho reck
oned I'd better, liud I conclooded I
would. Ho pulled tuo up, but I hadn't
bin on my feet inoro'n two seconds afore
the ground flew up and hit mo in the
hed. Tho crowd sed it was high old
fimrt, but 1 couldn't zackly aeo where
the laflure eomo in. I riz aud wo em
braced a;rin. We careered madly to a
steep bank, when I got tho upper hands
of my antagonist and threw him into
the raveen. Ho fell about forty feet,
Btriliing a grindstone pretty hard. I
understood ho was injured. I haven't
heard from tho grindsti.no.
A man in a cockt hat cum up and sed
he felt as though a apology was doo me.
There was a mistake Tho crowd had
taken mo for another man! I told him
not to mention it, and axed him if his
wife and little ones was so as to bo about,
and got on bored tho trait, which hAd
stopped at that station "20 minits for re
freshments." I got all I wantid. It was
tho hardest meal I ever et.
I was ril on a rail tho next day, a
bunch of blazin liro crackers bein tied
to my coat tales. It was a fine spectycal
in a dramatic pint of view, but I didn't
enjoy it. I had other adventures of a
startlin kind, but why continner? Why
lasserato tho Tublic lko?um with those
hero things? Suffysit to say I got across
Mxson & Dixie's litie Bafe at last.
I mado tracks for my lr,u listed, but
she to whom I'm harnist for lifo failed
to recognize, in tho emashiated . bein
who stood before her, the gushin youth
of forty-six summers who had left her
only a few mouths afore. Bat I wont
into the pantry, and brought out a cor
tin black bottle, llaisiu it to my lips, I
sed, "Here's to you, old gal!" I did it
so natral that sho knowed mo at oneo.
"Thoso form! Them voico! That nat
ral Rtilo of doiu things! 'Tis he!" she
cried, and rushed into my arms. It was
too much for her & she fell into a swoon.
I cum very near swoundiu myself.
FOURTH OF JULY ORATION.
Delivered on the Fourth of July at Weathera
rk'ld, Coon., 185U.J
I delivered the follerln, a'wut two yean ajfo, to
a large und diwrirninating nwjince. I wan 90
minita passin a civen pint. I have revised the
oraxhun, and added sum things which niakea It
appruposscr to tho times than it otherwise would
be. I have ulso corrected the crammers and
punktooated it. I do my own punktoontin now
days. The Printers In Vanitt Fam oflls can't
punktooate worth a cent.
Feller Citizens: I've bin honored
with a invite to norate before you today;
and when I say that I skurcely feel ekal
to the tiihlr. I'm sure you will believe me.
WeathersJield is justly celebrated for
her onyins an patritism, tho world over,
and to be axed to paws and address you
on this my fust perfeshernal tower
threw New Englan, causes me to feel
to feel I may say it causes mo to eel.
(Orate applaws. They thought this was
ono of my eccentricities, while the fact
is I was stuck. This between you and I.)
I'm a piano man. I don't know nothin
about no ded languages and am a little
shaky on livin ones. There4, expect no
fiowry talk from me. What I shall say
will be to tho pint, right strate out.
I'm for the Union as she air, and with
ered be tho arm of every ornory cuss who
attempts to bust her up. That's me. I
have sed! It was a very sweaty day, and
at tins pint of tho orashun a man fell
down with sunstroke. I told the aw jiuce
that considerin the large number of putty
gals present I was more afraid of a daw
TF.r stroke. This was impromptoo, and
seemed to amoose them very much.
Feller Citizens I hain't got time to
notis tho growth of Ameriky from the
time when the Mayflowers cum over in
the Pilgrim and brawt Plymmuth Bock
with them, but every stool boy nose our
karocr has bin tremenjis. Yow will ex
cuse mo if I don't prase the erly settlers
of tho Kolonies. Peple which hung id
iotic old wiinin for witches, burnt holes
in Quakers' tongues and consined their
feller critters to the trodmill and pillery
on the slitest provocashun may hav bin
very nice folks in their way, but I must
confess I don't admire their stile, and
will pass thorn by. I spose they ment
well, and so, in the novel and techin
langwidge of the nusepapers, "peas to
their ashis." Thare was no diskount,
however, on them brave men who fit,
bled and died in the American Revolu
shun. Wo needn't be afraid of setting
'em up two steep. Like my show, they
will stand any amount of prase. Q.
Washington was abowt the best man
this world ever sot eyes on. He was a
clear-heded, warm-harted, and stiddy
goin man. He never slopt over! The
prevuilin weakness of most public men
is to SLOP OVER! Put them words in
large letters A. W.
They git filled up and slop. They
Rush Things. They travel too much on
the high preshor principle. Washington
never slopt over. That wasn't George's
ttile. Ho luved his country dearly. He
wasn't after the spiles. He was a human
augil in a 3 kornered hat and knee
britches, and wo sbun't see his like right
away. My frends, we can't all be Wash
ington's, but we kin all be patrits & be
have ourselves in a human and a Chris
tian manner. When we see a brothor
goin down hill to Ruin let us not give
him a push, but let us seeze rite hold of
his coat-tails and draw him back to
Morality.
Oscar Trigg, of Madison, IniL, has a
block of beech wood the heart of which
is a perfect likeness of a woman, dressed
in tho stylo of three or four years ago,
the skirts flounced, tucked, gathered
and pinned bock, and the arms carried
a la kangaroo. It is a wonderful freak
of wood growth, unaided by art iu the
least.
"The PeoDleTs
Store
OF
MNVILLE, FEN A.,
Are now offering great inducements to the CITIZENS
of RLOOMSUURG and vioinitv. Durinc the month of
May they agree to pay the farcH for the round trip via
the Delaware, Lackawanna ifc Western and the Philadelphia &,
Heading Railroads on all Cash purchases amounting to Ten
Dollars ($10 00) or over.
This will enable the people of Bloomsburg nud surrounding
towns a good chance to visit the largfst and finest store room
in the Susquehanna Valley and at the same time the largest
stock of Dry Goods, Dress Goods, Silks, Velvets, Plushes,
Domestics, Prints, Ginghams, Notions, Hosiery, UnderWear,
Coats, Capes, Carpets, Boots and Shoes, Hardware, Crockery,
Groceries aud Provisions.
From which to make your selections. We guarantee that
you will be well repaid by a visit to our mammoth establish
ment. Buy your round trip ticket and on presentation of return
coupon and purchase of goods amounting to Ten Dollars the
price ot the ticket will be relunded
D. L. & W. R
A. M.
8.31
8.37
8.42
8.57
10.33
R.
Trains leave Bloomsburg
" " Rupert
" " Catawissa
Arriving at Danville
Returning leave Danville
P. M. P. M.
12.18 4.15
12.23 4.22
12.28 4.28
12.42 4.4G
2.11 G.05
Phila. & Rdg. R. R.
Trains leave Bloomsburg
" Catawissa
" Rupert
Arriving at Danville
Returning leave Danville
A.M
8.10
8.10
8.17
8.31
11.09
P. M.
3.IG
3.20
3.28
3.43
003
RESPECTFULLY,
"THE PEOPLES STORE"
W. C FRICK CO.
Cor. Mill & Centre Sts.
DANVILLE PENNA.
ALEXANDER BROTHERS & CO.
DEALERS IN
t
Cigars, Tobacco, Candies, Fruits and Nuts
SOLE AGENTS FOR
Henry Mail lard's Fine Candies. Fresh Every Week.
IFEitfir-s- Goods jl. SBjfz:z;xjlzjt!T.
SOLE AGENTS FOR
F. F. Adams & Co's Fine Cut Chewing Tobacco",
Sole agents for the following brands of Cigars:
Henry Clay, Loudres, Normal, Indian Princess, Samson, Silver Asb-
Bloomsburg, Pa.
CLOTHING! CLOTHING
10 Per Cart Medlraetioe.
IF YOU ARE IN NEED OF
CARPET, JJ1ATTHG,
or OIL CJLOTII,
YOU WILL FIND A NICE LINE AT
W. H. BKOWEE'S
2nd Door above Court House.
A new lot of Window Curtains received this week.
CLOSING OUT GOLD PENS AND PEN
CILS AT COST, at
J". C2k WELLS.'
Bring Your Watch, Clock, and Jewelry
work to J. EL WELLS.
EYES FITTED FOR GLASSES
FREE OE CHARGE AT
J. G. WELLS,
COLUMBIAN BUILDING.
JITVk, Chichester's English. Red Cross 1 Diamond Brand
" 'r. Till niiniuii Attn nruniur 4h lufo Mu .i.ki. mil
"fcv
V
WE ARE SELLING OUR STOCK OF
Winter and Spring Clothing,
ALSO
Gents Furnishing Goods, at a re
duction of io per cent.
Call at once and secure bargains. Our stock is new and all
of the Latest Patterns. You can Save from $2.00 to 5.00 on
every suit you buy.
This is POSITIVELY the best chance of BUY I
CLOTHING ever offered in Bloomsburg.
We have also a fine lot of cloths from which we can make
Suits to Order.
WE GUARANTEE SATISFACTION
in our make of clothing both as to quality and style.
Come while this reduction lasts.
EVANS & EYEE,
Bloomsburg, Pa.
CORtiER MAIN AND IRON STREE1S.
PIANOS, ORGANS A SEWING MACHINES.
J. SALTZER'S
i lies mm
TNI ORIAINAL AND fit NtllMI. Thn nnl ftufU. Mmm. mnA mUhl. Pill fa !
LadlM.uk DruiuUt far CkitkeUmr MmmUth Diamond Krjnd in HmA ud Gold maiAill
UtftU Mftled with blue ribbon. Titke no th kind. Mfvs SuhttUuiionM onJ hmttatiatu.
All pilU Id puuboinl boiM. pliik rpprt, n dsnjf eroua MMntorfvlU. At Druifim, Mr Mat H
4. In iumti for ptrtieolu, tMUmeikiftli, ud "Hellef for Ladle, 4 tvby ret am Mail
10,000 TMllmoultU. AfMuAvar.,
With many years experience in buying and selling musical instrum"""
and sewing machines I can guarantee to mv customers the hest in t,. m.rK
Pianos and Organs purchased of me, can be relied upon. If anything get.
out of order, it can easily be corrected, and a great deal of annoyance saved.
Instructions given to all purchasers of Sewing Machines, how to operate them
successfully. .
The STECK PIANO ia the best made. Its tone is surpassed
by none. You make no mistake if you buy a Steck. "
We bae also the
wiiji ana uie oiAmvi 1 r -w
PIANOS, n?
And The
ESTEY, MILLER and
UNITED STATES
ORGANS.
We sell Pianos from $250 to
$600, and Organs from $75to $175.
1.
In Sewing Machines we can give you the Celebrated
" WHITE "
t-j'teteissMssswir The best Machine in the world.
The
NEW DOMESTIC,
The ROYAL ST. JOHN,
The STANDARD
ROTARY
And the NEW HOME.
We sell the best Sewing Mach
ine made for $19.50.
Jj. &altzer, Bloamsbwrg, B&
B. EOBMHS
DEALER IN
Foreign and Domestic
WINES AND LIQUORS.
Bloomsburg, Pa.
Mia f mi jjmu vraMUia.