COLLAPSE OF THE SHOW.
SELECTIONS FROM THE WRITINGS
OF ARTEMUS WARD.
Ihe Stfttuen Mmanhcd to Atoni. Uie I.oo.e
Chango Conllcateil, nnd tlia Animals
Turned Looe A Ilrirf Imprlnonmenl.
Intrrtlrw with JrflVmon Darin.
(OopyritrhtJ-d anil published by itnociol nrraii?e
njptit with U. W. DllliiiKliatii, New York, pub
lisher. XII.
THE SHOW IS CONFISCATED.
OU hav perhaps won
dered whnreabunts I
was for these many
dane gone nnd past.
UPerchans you sposed
Td gono to the Tomb
of the Cappylets, tho
I don't know what
those is. It's a popler noospaper frase.
Listen to my tail, and be silent that
ye may here. I've been among the Se
seshers a earnin my daily peck by my
logitimit perfeshnn, and havn't hail no
time to weeld my facile quill for "the
Orate Komick paper," if you'll allow me
to kote from your trootbful advertise
ment. My success was skuly, and I likewise
had a narrer scape of my life. If what
I've bin threw is "Sathern hosspitality,"
'bout which we've hearn so much, then
I feel bound to obsarve that they made
two much of me. They was altogether
too lavish with their nttenshmis.
I went ainung the Seseahers with no
feeling of annermosity. I went in my
perfeshernal capacity. I was detonated
by one of the most Loftiest desires which
can swell the human Buzzuin viz., to
giv the people their money's worth, by
showin th?m Sagashus lieests, and Wax
Statoots, which I venter to say air on
surpast by any other statoots anywheres.
I will not call that man who sez my
statoots is humbugs a lier and a hoss
thief, but bring him be4 me and I'll
wither him with one of my scornful
frowns.
Bnt to proseed with my tail. In my
travels threw the Sonny South I hoaxed
a heap of talk about Seceshon and bus tin
up the Union, bnt I didn't think it
jnounted to nothin. The politicians in
all the Tillage! was swearin that Old
Vbe (sometimes called the Prahayrie
.lower) shouldn't never bo noggerated.
rhey also made fools of thoirselves in
vans ways, but as they was nsed to that
I didn't let it worry me much, and the
Stars and Stripes continued for to wave
over my little tent. Moor over, I was a
Son of Malty and a member of several
other Temperance Societies, and my
wife she was a Dawter of Malty, and I
sposed these fax would secoor me the in
floonz and and pertectinn of all the fust
families. Alas! I was dispinted. ,.
State arter State seseshed and it
growed hotter and hotter for the under
wined. Things came to a climbmacka in
a small town in Alabamy, where I was
premtorally ordered to haul down the
Stars & Stripes. A deppytashon of red
faced men cum up to the door of my
tent ware I was standin takin money
(the arternoon exhibishnn had com
menst, an' my Italyun organist was
jerkin his sole-stirrin chimes). "We air
cam, Sir," said a millingtary man in a
ooqkt hat, "upon a high and holy
miahnn. The Southern Eagle isscreamin
threwont this sunny land proudly and
defiantly screamin, Sir!"
'What's the matter with himrsezl;
"don't his vittles ait well on his stum
mnckr
"That Eagle, Sir, will oontinner to
scream all over this Brite and tremenjas
land!"
"Wall, lot him scream. If your Eagle
can amune hisself by screamin, let him
went!" The men anoyed me, for I was
bizzy makin change.
"We are cum, Sir, upon a matter of
dooty"
"You're right, Copting. It's every
man's dooty to visit my show," Bed I.
"We air cum"
"And that's the reason you are here!"
sez I, larfin one of my silvery larfs. I
thawt if he wanted to goak I'd giv him
some of my sparklin eppygrams.
"Sir, you're iuserlont. The plain ques
tion is, will you haul down the Star
Spangled Banner and hist the Southern
flag?" . '
"Nary hist!" Those was my reply.
"Your wax works and boests is then
confLsticated, & yon air arrested as a
Spy!"
Sez I, "My fragrant roses of the
Southern clime and Bloorain. daffodils,
what's the price of whisky in this town,
and how many cubio foet of that tseduct
jve flooid can you individooally hold?"
They made no reply to that, but said
my wax figgera was conflsticated. I
axed them if thut was generally the stile
among thieves in that country, to which
they ulso made no reply, bnt swd I was
arrested as a Spy, and must go to Mont
gomry in iuiiM. They was by this time
jined by a largo crowd of other South
ern putvits, who commenced hollerin
"Hang the bnldheaded abolitionist, nud
biwt up his immoral exhibition!" I was
ceii.sod t:nd tied to a utump, nud tho
crowd wi-nt for my tent that water
proof pavilion, wherein instruction mid
mnoosinent had been so muchly com
biiiud, ut 13 cents per head and tore it
all to pbom. Meanwhile dirty faced
bo.vu v.w throwln stuns and empty beer
buttle ut iny uiojtuv brow, and takin
other improper liberties with my person.
Rcpistnnce was tiselens, for a variety of
rensonp, as I readily obsarved.
The Seseuhcrj cxmdsticatcd my statoots
by smiisliing them to attums. They then
went to my money box nnd conflsticated
all the loose change therein contained.
They thou went and bust in my cages,
lettin all tho animals loose, a small but
helthy tiger among the rest. This tiger
has a excentric way of tearin dogs, to
peaces, and I nllers sponed from his gin
end conduck that he'd hav no hesitashun
in servin human beins in tho same way
if he could git at them. Excmo mo if I
was crooil, but I larfed boysterrusly
when I seo that tiger spring in among
the people. "Go it, my sweet cuss!" I
inardly exclaimed. "I forgive yon for
bitin off my left thum with all my heart!
Rip 'eni up liko a bully tiger whose Lare
has bin inwaded by Sesehers!"
I can't say for certain that the tiger
serisly injured any of them, but as he
was seen a few days after, sum miles dis
tant, with a large and well selected as
sortment of seats of trowsis in his mouth,
and as he lookt as tho he'd bin havin sura
vilent exercise, I rayther guess ho did.
You will therefore perceive that they
didn't confinticate him much.
1 was carrid to Montgomery in inns
and placed in dnrans vial. The jail was
a onery ediiiss, but the table was lib
erally snrpliod with Bakin and Cab
bidge. This was a good variety, for
when I didn't honker after Bakin I could
help myself to the cabbige.
I had nobody to talk to nor nothin to
talk about, howsever, and I was very
lonely, specially on tho first day; so when
the jailer parst my lonely sell I put the
few stray hairs on the back part of my
hed (I'm bald now, but tharo was a time
when I wore sweet auburn ringlets) into
as dish-hevild a state as possible, &
rollin my eyes liko a manyuck, I cride:
"Stay, jaler. Rtay! I am not mad, but
soon shall be if you don't bring me
suthin to Talk!" Die brung me sum
noospapers, for which I thanked him
kindly.
At larst I got a interview with Jeffer
son Davis, the president of the Southern
Conthieveracy. He was quite perlite,
and axed me to sit down and state my
case. I did it, when he larfed and said
his gallunt men had been a littlo 3 en
thoosiostic in confisticatin my show.
"Yes," sez I, "they conflsticated me
too muchly. I had sum bosses conflsti
cated in the same way onct, but the con
fisticators air now poundin stun in the
States Prison in Injinnapylus."
"Wall, wall, Mister Ward, you air at
liberty to depart: you are frondly to the
South, I know. Even now we hav many
frens in the North, who sympathise with
us, and won't mingle with this fight"
"J. Davis, there's your grate mistaik.
Many of na was your sincere rendu, and
thought certain parties amung us was
fussin about yon and meddlin with your
cousarns intirely too much. But J.
Davis, the minit you fire a gun at the
piece of dry goods called the Star
Spangled banner, the North gits np and
rises en massy, in defence of that ban
ner. Not agin yon as individools not
agin the South even bnt to save the
flag.
"We should indeWl be weak in the
knees, unsound in tho heart, milk-white
In the liver, and soft in the hed, if we
stood quietly by, and saw this glorna
Qovyment smashed to pieces, either by
a fnrrin or a intestine foe. Tho gentle
harted mother hates to tuko her naughty
'jhild'across hor knee, but sho knows it
is her dooty to do it. So wo shall hate
to whip the naughty South, bnt we must
do it if yon dont make back tracks at
onct, and we shall wall up yon out of
your boots! J. Davis, it is ray decided
opinion that the Sonny South is making
a egrejus mutton-hed of herself!"
"Go on, sir, you're safe enuff. You're
too small powder for mo!" sed the Presi
dent of the Southern Conthieveracy.
"Wait till I go home and start out the
Baldinsville Mounted Ilosa Cavalry! I'm
Capting of that Corpse, I am, and J.
Davis, beware! Jefferson D., I now
leave you! Farewell, my gay Saler Boy!
Good bye, my bold buccaneer! Pirut of
the deep blue sea, odoo! adoo!"
My tower threw the Southern Con
thieveracy on my way home was thrillin
snuff for yeller covers. It will form the
subjeck of my next. Betsy Jane and the
projeny air well. Yonrs respectively,
A. Ward.
PBAQMENT FROM A NEW ENGLAND 8PKKCU.
I see mutch to admire in New Englan.
Your gala in pnrticklar air about as snug
built peaces of Calliker as I ever saw.
They air fully equal to the corn fed gals
of Ohio and Injianny, and will make the
bestest kind of wives. It sets my Buz
tum on fire to look at 'cm.
Be itiU, my jlo, ba still,
& you, my Hart, Htop euttln up I
I like your skool houses, your meetin
houses, your enterprise, gumpshun, &&,
but your favorit Bovridge I disgust. I
llude to New England Rum. It is wnsa
nor the kora whisky of Injianny, which
aats threw stone jugs and will turn the
jtummuck of the most shiftliss Hog. I
seldom seek consoloshnn at the flowin
Bole, but tother day I wurrid down
some of your Rum.
The fust glass induscd me to swar like
a infooriuted trooper. On takin the sec
und glass I was seezed with a desire to
break winders, & arter imbi bin tho third
glass I knock t a small boy down, pict his
pocket of a New York Ledger, and wild
ly commenced readin Sylvanus Kobb's
last Tail. Its drclful stuff a sort of lick
wid litenin, gut up under the personal
supervishnn of the devil tears men's ia
ards all to peaces and makes their noses
blossum as tho Lobster. Shuu it as you
would a wild hyeny with a firebrand
tied to his tale, and while yon air ubowt
it you will do a first rate thing for your
self and everybody ubowt you by slmn
uiu all kinds of iutoxicatin lickcrs. You
don't need 'cm no uioru'ii a cat needs 3
tales, sayin nothin about the trubblennd
sullerin they cawse. But unless your
inards air cast iron, avoid Now Euglau's
favorite Be vrige.
in two of the London clubs where the
chief butlers have been in ofllce for
forty years, ull gold and silver change is
washed beforo being given to the mem
bers. . . .
"The People's
OF
DAN VIIXE, PENA.,
Are now offering great inducements to the CITIZENS
of I1L003IS1.UKG am
JHuy they agree to pay the fares for the round trip via
the Delaware, Lackawanna & Western and the Philadelphia tfe
Heading Railroads on all Cash purchases amounting to Ten
Dollars ($10.00) or over.
This will enable the people of Bloomsburg and surrounding
towns a good chance to visit the largest and finest store room
in the Susquehanna Valley and at the same time the largest
stock of Dry Goods", Dress Good?, Silks, Velvets, Plushes,
Domestics, Prints, Ginghams, Notionsf Hosiery, Underwear,
Coats, Capes, Carpets, Hoots and Shoes, Hardware, Crockery,
Groceries and Provisions.
From which to make your selections. We guarantee that
you will be well repaid by a visit to our mammoth establish
ment. Buy your round trip ticket and on presentation of return
coupon and purchase of goods amounting to Ten Dollars the
price of the ticket will be refunded
D. L. & W. R. R.
Trains leave Bloomsburg
" " Rupert
" Catawis6a
Arriving at Danville
Returning leave Danville
Thila. &
Trains leave Bloomsburg
" " Catawissa
" Rupert
Arriving at Danville
Returning leave Danville
"THE PEOPLES STORE"
W. C FRICK & CO.
Cor. Mill & Centre Sts.
DANVILLE PENNA.
ALEXANDER BROTHERS & CO.
DEALERS IX
Cigars, Tobacco, Candies, Fruits and Nuts
SOLE AGENTS FOR
Henry Mail lard's Fine Candies. Fresh Every Week.
Gooes .a. specialtt.
SOLE AGENTS FOR
F. F. Adams & Co's Fine Cut Chewing Tobacco
Sole Bgents tor the following brands ot Cigars:
Henry Clay, Londres, Normal, Indian Princess, Samson, Silver Asb
Bloomsburg( Pa.
IF YOU ARE
CARPET,
or OIL CJLOTH,
YOU WILL FIND A NICE LINE AT
W. H. BEOWEE'S
2nd Door above Court Ilouse.
A new lot of Window Curtains received this week.
CLOSING OUT GOLD PENS AND PEN
CILS AT COST, at
J". C3-. WELL
Bring Your Watch,
work to 'J.
FREE OF CHARGE-AT
J. G. WELLS.
COLUMBIAN riUILOING.
Chichester English.
ZlLi THC ORIGINAL AND GNUINC. Th only NfV, Mure, n1 rtUcibl IMU for tale. XNv
ldlea, t'lf Dntiulal fur t'Atofcrtr MnglUk Ditunvtid Mr and tu lied Mil UoUi nMlll y
bvxiM h!ii1 with biu rltboti
TmL
AU uillt in DaaUbDftrd bo km. utnk
ma. id suiiupt iur ptruoai, imubmuui, na "Kt-uer fur l.unie," ti lilr, j return MmiU
lO.UUO TmUiuodIHi. Mm4 fupmr.,
mm f Ml liwml WrawUI
Store."
vicinity. During the month of
A. M. P. M. P. M.
8.31 12.18 4.15
8.37 1223 4.22
8.42 12.28 4.28
8.57 12.42 4.46
10.33 2.11 (5.05
Rdg. R. R.
4 r
P. M.
8.10
8.10
8.17
8.31
11.09
3.IG
3.20
3.28
3.43
003
RESPECTFULLY,
IN NEED OF
MATTING,
Clock, and Jewelry
B. WELLS.
EYES FITTED FOR GLASSES
Red Cross TPtk Diamond Brand
no other kind.
Hfud HubtUiutiOHt and mitt.tions.
wiMLiMri. rn lunvuuii (inuniju-IVIls. At Ijrumrlu. np manA mm
CHICHKTCH CHCMIC
AL CO., Mdln. Haaanb
CLOTHING ! CiLOf MING
10 Per mt M taction.
WJ; ARE SELLING OUR STOCK OF
Winter and Spring Clothing,
ALSO
Gents Furnishing Goods, at a re
duction of io per cent.
Call at once and secure bargains. Our stock is new and all
of the Latest Patterns. You can Save from $2.00 to $5.00 on
every suit you buy.
This is POSITIVELY the best chance of BUYING
CLOTHING ever offered in Bloomsburg.
We have also a fine lot of cloths from which we can make
Suits to Order.
WE GUARANTEE SATISFACTION
in our make of clothing both as to quality and style.
Come while this reduction lasts.
Bloomsburg, Pa.
PIANOS, ORGANS & SEWING MAC1IIM.
J. SALTZER'S.
mm nut 1 mm mm mm.
ith many years experience in buying and selling musical instrum"
and sewing machines I can guarantee to my customers the best in the marleS
Pianos and Organs purchased of me, can be relied upon. If anything ret
out of order, it can easily be corrected, and a great deal of annoyance saved.'
Instructions given to all purchasers of Sewing Machines, how to operate them
successfully. '
The STECK PIANO is the best made. Its tone is surpassed
by none. You make no mistake if you buy a Steck.
We na"e also the
ESTEY and the STARRJ3
PIANOS,
And The
ESTEY, MILLER and
UNITED STATES
ORGANS.
We Rfll Pianns fmm en in
$600, and Organs from $7sto $17$.
In Sewing Machines we
m
mm rinvj
We sell the best Sewing Mach
ine made for $19.50.
J. SaMzer, BteomsMrg, Pa.
C. B. BOBBINS,
DEALER IN
Foreign and Domestic
WINES AND LIQUORS.
Bloomsburg. Pa. .
EVANS & EYER
9
CORNER MAIN AND IRON STREETS.
f fit
can give you the Celebrated
"WHITE"
The best Machine in the world.
The
The ROYAL ST. JOHN,
The STANDARD
ROTARY
And the NEW HOME.