ARTEMUS TO LINCOLN.
SELECTIONS FROM THE WRITINGS
OF ARTEMUS WARD.
Be Fay Visit to the President Elect
at Sprlngdelil, Ilia., and Load Him Vp
with Chunk of Homely Wisdom The
Crowd of Ofllce Seeker.
tOopyrishtod and r.tihltalid by special arrange
ment with Q, W. Dillingham, New York, pub
taller. VIIL
INTERVIEW WITH PRESIDENT LINCOLN.
HAV no politics. Nary a
one. I'm not in the bisincss.
If I was, I spose I should
holler versUTrusly in the
streets at nite and go home
to Betsy June smellin of coul
ile and cin, in tho inoniin. I
should go to the Poles nrly. I should
Btay there all day. I should see to it that
my nabers was thar. I should git ciir
rip?s to take the kripples, tho infirm and
tho indignant thar. I should be on gunrd
agin frauds and sich. I should le on
the look out for the infamiw liso of tho
enemy, got up jest be4 elecshun for per
litical elfeck.
When all was over and my eandydate
was elected, I should move heving &
erth so to speak until I got orfiee,
which if I didn't git a orfiee I should
turn round and aboozo tho Administra
tion with all my mite and maine. But
Tm not in tho bisncss. I'm in a far more
respectful bisnisa nor what pollcrtics is.
I wouldn't giv two cents to be a Con
gresser. The wuss insult I ever received
was when sertin citizens of Baldinsville
axed mo to ran f at tho Legislator. Sez
I, "My friends, dostest think Fd stoop
to that there?" They turned as white as
a sheet. I spoke in my most orfullost
tones, & they knowd I wasn't to ho tri
fled with. They slunked out of site to
onct.
There4, havin no politics, I made bold
. to visit Ole Abe at his huiustid in Spring
field. I found the old feller in his par
ler, surrounded by a perfeck swarm of
orfiee seekers. Knowin he had been
capting of a fiat boat on the roarin Mis
sissippy I thought Td address him in
sailor lingo, so sez T, "Old Abe, ahoy!
Let out yer main-suls, reef hum the fore
castle & throw yer jibpoop over-board.
Shiver my timbers, my hearty!" N. B.
This is ginuine mariner langwidge. I
know, becawz I've seen sailor plays acted
out by them New York theater fellers.
Old Abe lockt up quite cross & sez,
"Send in yer petition by & by. I can't
possibly look at it now. Indeed, I can't
It's onpossible, sir!"
"Mr. Linkin, who do you spect I air?"
sed I.
"A orfice-seeker, to bo sure," sed he.
"Wall, sir," Bed I, "you's never more
mistaken in your lifo. You hain't gut a
orfiss I'd take under no circumstances,
rm A. Ward. Wax figgers is my per
feshun. I'm the father of Twins, and
they look like me both of them. I cum
to pay a friendly visit to the President
eleck of the United States. If so be you
wants to see me, say so if not, say so,
& Tm orf like a jug handle,"
"Mr. Ward, sit down. I am glad to
see you, Sir."
"Repose in Abraham's Buzzum!" sod
one of the orfiee seekers, his idee bein to
git orf a goak at my expense.
"Wall," sez I, "ef you fellers repose in
that there Buzzum thare'll be mity poor
nussin for sum of your' whereupon Old
Abe buttoned his weskit clear up and
blusht like a maidin of sweet 10. Jest
at this pint of the conversation another
swarm of orfiee seekers arrove & cum
pilin into the parler. Sum wanted post
orfices, sum wanted collectorships, sum
wautid furrin missions, and all wanted
Bumthin. I thought Old Abe would go
crazy. He hadn't more than had time to
shake hands with 'em, before another
tremenjis crowd cum porein onto his
premises. Ilia house and dooryard was
now perfeckly overflowed with orfiee
seekers, all clameruas for a iinincjit in
terview with Old Abe. One man from
Ohio, who had about seven inches of
corn whisky into him, mistook me for
Old Abe and addrest me as "The Pra-
nayne Flower of the WestP' Thinks I
you want a offisa pretty bad. Anothor
man with a gold heded cane and a red
nose told Old Abe he was a seckind
Washington & the Pride of the Bound
liss West."
Sez I, "Square, you wouldn't take a
small post-offias if you could git it, would
you-
Sea ae, "a patrit is abuv them things,
BtrT
"There's a putty big crop of patrits
this season, aint there, Squire?" see I,
when another crowd of offlaa seekers
pored in. The house, door yard, barn &
wooaanea was now all full, and when
another crowd com I told 'em not to go
awiy for want of room as the hog-pen
still empty. One patrit from a
Wit ill town in Michygan went upon top
the houae, got into the chimney and slid
o.iv.-n into the parler where Old Abe
v. w endevexing to keep the hungry pack
of orfiee seekers from chawin in op
a'l-.-e without benefit of clergy. The
ttu.it he reached the fireplace he jmnpt
;, brnsht the soot out of his evf. and
7cjd: "Don't make eny pintment at
w opon-villa postomss tut you ve xead
y papers. AU the reapectfol men in
r town m snexs to thai there ocky
Burnt!"
"Good QodT cried Old Abe, "they
upon mg fjoax
thimnpys, and from the bowels of the
rearth!" IIo hadn't more'n got thom
cords otft of his delikit month before
two fat offiss seukors from Wisconsin, in
tndeverin to crawl atween his legs for
the pnrpuss of applyin for the tollgate
ship at MLlwawky, upsot the President
eleck, and he would hev gone Bprawlin
Into the fire place if I hadn't caught him
in these arms. But I hadn't more'n
stood him up strate before another man
cum crashin down tho chimnoy, his head
strikiu me vilently ngin the inards and
prostratin my voluptoous fonu onto the
floor. "Mr. Linkiu," shouted tho infat
ooated being, "my papers is signed by
every clergyman in our town, and like
wise the Bkoolmastor!"
"Sez 1, "you egrojis ass," gittin tip &
brushin tho dust from my eyes, "I'll
sign your papers with this bunch of
bones, if you don't bo a little more keor
ful how you make my bread basket a
depot in tho futer. IIow do you like
that air perfumery?" bps I. shuving my
fist under his nose. "Them's the kind
of papers I'll give you! Them's the
papers you want!"
"But I workt hard for the ticket; I
toiled night and day! Tho patrit should
be rewarded!"
"Virtoo," sed I, hoi din' tho infatoo
ated man by tho coat collar, "virtoo,
sir, is its own reward. Look at me!"
IIo did look nt me, and qualed 1x4 my
gase. "The fact is," I continued, look
in' round on tho hungry crowd, "thero
is scarcely a ofils for every ile lamp car-
rid round duriu this canipane. I wish
tharo was. I wish thare was furrin mis
sions to bo filled on varis lonely Islands
where cppydemics rago incessantly, and
if I was in Old Abe's place I'd send
every mother's son of you to them.
What air yon hero for? I continnerod,
warmin up considerable, "can't you
giv Abo a minit's peace? Don't you see
he s womd most to death? Go home,
you miserable men, go homo & till the
sile! Go to peddlin tinware go to chop
pin wood go to bilin sopo stuff sas
sengcrs black boots git a clerkship
on sum respectable manure cart go
round as original Swiss Bell Ring
ers beeum 'origcnal and only' Camp
bell Minstrels go to lecturia at CO
dollars n nite imbark in tho peanut
bizness write for the Ijcihjcr saw off
your legs and go round giviu concerts,
with tuchin appeals to a charitable pub
lic, printed on your handbills anything
for an honest living, but don't como
round hero drivin' Old Abe crazy by
your outrajis cuttings np! Go home.
Stand not upon tho order of your goin',
but go to onct! Ef in five uiimts from
this time," sez I, pullin' out my new
sixteen dollar huntin cased watch and
brandishin it before their eyes, "Ef in
five n units from this time a single solo
of you remains on these here premises,
1 11 go out to my cage near by, and let
my Boy Constructor loose! & ef he gita
amung you, you'll think old Solferino
has cum again and no mistake!"
You ought to hev seen them scamper,
Mr. Fair. They run orf as tho Satnn
hisself was arter them with a red hot
ten pronged pitchfork. Ia five minita
the premises was clear.
"How kin I ever repay you, Mr.
Ward, for your kindness?" sed Old Abe,
advancin and shakin me warmly by the
nana, "How kin I ever repay you, sir?'
"By gmn the whole country a good,
sound administration. By poerin' ile
upon the troubled waturs, North and
South. By pursooin' a putriotic, firm,
and just course, and then if any State
wants to secede, let em Sesesh!
"How 'bout my Cabinit, Mister
Ward?" eed Abo.
"Fill it up with Showmen, sir! Show
men is devoid of politics. They hain't
got any principles. They know how to
cater for the public. They know what
the public wants, North & South. Show
men, sir, is honest men. Ef you doubt
their literary ability look at their post
ers, aud see small bills! Ef you want a
Cuuiuit as is a Cabinit fill it up with
showmen, but don't call on me. The
moral wax figger perfeshun mustn't be
permitted to go down while there's a
drop of blood in these vainst A. Linkin,
I wish you well! Ef Powers or Walcutt
wus to pick out a model for a beautiful
man, I scarcely think they'd sculp you;
but ef you do the fair thing by your
country you'll make as putty a angel as
nty of us! A. Linkin, use the talent
which Nature has put into you judishus
ly and firmly, and all will be well! A.
Linkin, adoo!"
He shook me cordyully by the hand
we exchanged picters, so we could gaze
upon each other's liniments, when far
away from one another heat tho helium
of the ship of State, and I at the helium
of the show bizness admittance only 15
cents.
THE SHOW BUSINESS AND LECTURES.
I feel that the Show Bizness, which
Ive stroven to ornymeut, is bein usurpt
by Poplar Lecture, as thay air kalled,
tho ia my pinion thay air poplar hum
bugs. Individoouls, who git hard up,
embark in the lecturin biznia. They
cram theirselves with hi-eoundin frazis.
frizzle up their hare, git trustid for a
soot of black close and cum out to lectur
at 60 dollers a pop. Thay aint over
Btockt with branes, but thay hav brass
enuii to make Buffishunt kittles to bile
all the sope that will be required by the
ensooin sixteen ginerashuna, Peple flock
to beer urn in krowds. The men go be
cawz its poplar, & the wimin folks go to
see wnat otner wimin folks have on.
When its over the lecturer gore & ra
gales hisself with oysters and sich. while
the people say "What a rhnrmin lector
that air was," etaettery etsettery. when
0 out of 10 of am don't have no moore
idee of what the lecturer sed than mv
kangaroo has of the serunth speer of
hewn. Thare'a moore infrurmaahan to
be got out of a well conducted nooapa
per price S sent than thare is oat of
ten poplar lectures at S3 or SO dollars a
pop, as the kase maybe. These sac
people, hare in mind, stick up their noski
at moral wax figgers & aagaahus beesta.
Thay say these thing is low. Gents, it
greeves my hart ia my old age, when
Fmis "the Sheer & ytAerleeT (to cote
tram my ia frftffrtr Hi'ft-th) to
see that the Show biaane k pretty xoacfa
ptade oat; he msuiu I enaQ chance it
agamjn uteuptxog.
COLUMBUSCIUTICISED.
ANOTHER VIEW OF AMERICA'S DIS
COVERER BY A. P. DUNLOP.
A Few rialn Word About III Treat
ment of Mia Carlb Race Inerntlttiile
I'ar KxcpIIviicd llarlerlng Slave for
Privilege Ferdinand and Imibrllii
Take the Halt A Khcs Kxterinlnatrd.
There is one fact worthy of note in
the coming four hundredth yenr cele
liiation of the discovery of the Ameri
can continent, namely, that not one sin
gle t-pecimen of the nice Columbus dis
covered will be on hand to defend him-
s'lf, w rites A. P. Diinlop in the ,S"((nr-
day lievtew. Not alone lias the Ciivib
been wiped from the fit Co of tho earth,
hut the eldest inhabitants of tho West
Indian Islands have not seen a half
breed even of that rnce, nor do anv of
them remember having been tuld that
they existed in the time of their fathers
or grandfathers, Coin minis writes of
these people ns the best he hml ever
seen, and snys they received him with
overwhelming kindness Ho snys, ton,
that they were numerous, and thut
everv island from San Salvador to Santo
Domingo was thickly inhabited.
Could one of these guileless savagos
arise to say a few words nt the opening
of the World's Fuir he might somewhat
disarrange the mantle of glory which
the Saxon. Celtic, and Teutonic races
have so prettily arranged around (he
historic figures of Christopher Coin minis
and (jneen Isalielhi. The gentle savage
might first ii sk why the mighty people
of North America were ccluliruliug the
advent of a mini who had nothing what
ever to do with the discovery of hut is
now the United States. He would have
no record of his own ponple who have
not even left a (race of their existence
behind them hut he might have looked
into the enemy's camp for information,
and there he would find whether
proved or not that Mr. Columbus was
said bv his son Ferdinand to have been
a pirat.1, or the deceuduut of one,
who was constantly on the move, and
who, in the fifteenth century, isited
the home of the Vikinirs. and there
heard the story of the discovery of
Vuiehind.
lie could readily reconcile Mr. Co
lumlilis's wnv of d ling things bv au
thenticated (lispnti bus from L'oliimlius
to "Their Iliuhnesaes, " Isabella and
Feidinaud, by leading u copy of n letter,
now in the Spanish archives, in which the
discoverer informs "Their Highnesses"
that he w its trented as n brother ly these
savage people, that they gave freely all
they had and cond.icted linn to their
goM mines. J lie C.rih miglilthen read
the latter pin t of the dispatch, evidently
written as soon as Culiiiulnis returned
from the gold milKS, and sng,e.Hs "how
ensy it would he to overcnuiu this un
armed people and send them ns slaves
to Spain.
Repudiating Columbus as a discov
erer, he might, on the auspicious occa
sion, go even further, by usking why
Coliiiiibu-i or Isabella should be a linireil
or held up as examples for the youth of
the lundr
The Republican party might also be
told that no two persons in the world's
history ever went into a slave specula
tion more deliberately. Columbus
tempted the cupidity of the Queen with
untold treasures as a return tor her in
vestment, and in hi first letter is a re
quest for Bhips loaded with provisions,
to come "licensed for the (rulllc of
slaves." Did he get them? The an
swer now iu the Madrid archives is:
"Their highnesses will soud the ves
sel . "
If the written nccount of these Span
ish pirates be correct, the Curib onitor
might say that 12 years nfter Columbus
arrived in tho West Indies not one of
this prosperous race was alive, mid he
could w ith truth point to the accounts
left by the Dominican friar, La Casa,
who wrote thot 40,000 of them were
killed on the Lucauyan group inside of
a very hort time either by the sword or
the hibh of the slave drivers.
The native West Indian might sum up
his iirgu iieut by saying that us au ex
ample of deliberate treachery und cold
blooded cruelty and hypocrisy, the
world's history has no parallel to Chris
topher Columhii, who exterminated a
race that he himself says received him
as "one sent from heaven, " nor to his
side partner, who went into the real
estate and slave specul tion w ith a bur l,
cold greed for gold, and then permitted
the discoverer to eud bis miserable life
as a J auijer
The MoAUialsr'a MhxIiii.
I was here simply carrying out the
axiom to keep cue's friendships in re
pair. I daily comment to my cook ou the
performance of the previous day,
The highest cultivation in social man
ners enables a person to conceal from
the world his real feelings. He can go
through auy annoyance as if it were a
pleasure.
The success of the dinner depends as
much upon the company as the cook.
Discordant elements people invited al
phabetically, or to pay off debts are
fatal.
You must never be able to see the
tails of your dress coat; if you do, dis
card the coat
When you entertain do it in an easy,
natural way, as if it was an everyday
occurrence, not the event of your life;
but do it well. Learn how to do it;
never be ashamed to learn,
A gentleman can always walk, but he
can not afford to have a shabby equip
age. It is well to be in with the nobs who
are born to their position, but the sup
port of the swells is more advantageous,
for society is sustained and carried on
by the swells, the nobs looking quietly
on and accepting the position, feeling
that they are there by divine right; but
they do not make fashionable sooiety or
carry it on. A nob can be a swell if he
chooses L e., if he will spend the money
but for his social existence this is un
necessary. A nob is like a poet nasoi
tur non fit; not so a swell he creates
himself,
Moral Men should not attempt to do
what is not ia them.
TUB CON8TMITION CURE.
l'rofeaior Kooh'f IHncovorr and How II
Wa I.d to Malta lb
Though Professor Koch, of Berlin,
can not be said to have discovered his
method of curing consumption through
chance, as some say was the caso with
Jenner's invention of vaccination for
Smallpox, it is still interesting to notice
how much he was indebted to good
fortune in the lieginning of bis investi
gations. Dr. Emmerich, of Munich, i-i
the authority for the following anec
dote: "Professor Koch noticed once that
when a piece of cooked potato is ex
posed to the atmosphere for a couple of
hours, and then placed in a damp at
mosphere under a glass cover to pre
vent drying after several days a num
ber of infinitesimal round white specks
or drops will ni par on it, each ono ap
parently diffoi iug from the other. Mi
croscopic investigation shows that every
one of these specks consists of a panic
tilnr species of micro oragaiiistus, which
arise from-seeds that have fallen on the
potato from the air, and have here
found a favorable ground for further
generation. Each seed by itself multi
plies on the particular spot of the bard
potato substance on which it has hap
pened to drop, without having the
menus of combining with others.
"l'lins, their can be nothing like inter
bree.ling, and, theref re, pure cells
that is, each consisting of a number of
bacteria belongiii.; to one isolated renins,
must arise side by side. Very pr perly
Professor Koch considered tins n re
markable plieno nenon. For if in the
place of the potato the surface of some
nutritious fluid were exposed to the air,
doubtleiKsly sends for future organisms
would also drop on it. l!ut in a fluid
the movable bacteria would mingle to
gether, aud at the samo time also set the
originally immovable ones into motion,
so that uu infinite variety of breeds, a
chaos of mixed forms ami specie-i, would
ensnp, I ut nowhere any pure and specific
bacteria cells.
"What, then, nsked he, is tho radical
difference between the fruitful soil
which the potato offers for mic'i organ
isms and that of the nutritious fluid ?
None, mielv, I ut (hat one is solid, aud
thus hindersiiny commingling of genei :i,
while on the other hand there can be no
question of their lasting i-epnrntiou in a
Mibstrnt urn of no irreater density than
that of fluids.
"Professor Koch umlei sto 1 how to
apply the lesson ho had leained from
these results to his further experiments
in breeding pine bacteria cells in hard
and transparent substances, which ulti
mately le, to the brilliant successes ho
has achieved now and before this. In
addition to this he has Kn l y enough
to apply all modern uvu'l rovi'iionts in
apparatus, instruments', and 'Hie methods
of using them, as well as the advance
made iu the use of microscopic and
lighting processes, to Ids special brunch
of hiicleriologic investigation. Uy this
alone he has succeeded iu making for
himself u name in medicine. Now, if it
prove true that he has discovered a safe
and rational remedy agaiust luhorculoaia
and incipient consumption, lie has made
himself nn immortal name in history."
Horl.'B About Mm wall Jiu k-on.
Apropos of tho deuili of General Cad
mus Wilcox, 1 recall some characteris
tic anecdotes concerni gSlouowall Jack
sou which he was in tin- lml.it of relat
ing. When Jackson first entered West
Point he was regarded us a remarkably
stupid and green youth. General Whit
ing, who afterward served in the Con
federate army, was tlieu a cadet iu the
class above Jackcou's, and was ap
pointed to nsk him soino questions in
mathematics, iu accordance with the
custom which then prevailed at the
military academy. , Whiting thought
him ut first remarkably dull, but noticed
thut ho studied aud worked with dogged
persistency. The class of which Wilcox
and Whiting were members was gradu
ated just prior to the Mexican war.
Several of the young officers were in
Washington on their way to Mexico,
and ou 1 1 io night of their arrival they
were invited to go w ith Jefferson Davis,
then a member of the House, to a recep
tion given at the White House. Later
both Davis nnd T. J. Jackson turned
their faces toward the Rio Grande. At
the close of the war Jackson ranked
every memlr of his class and was a
brevet major aud was stationed on Gov
ernor's Island, near New York. Whit
iug, Wilcox, und a number of young of
ficers were visiting New York, and when
several brother officers from Governor's
Island called ou them Whiting ashed:
"What has become of Tom Jackson;
how is he gelling on ?"
"Badly, badly," replied the officer;
eiuce he has stopped fighting he has
taken to fiddling. He came over to
this city a few weeks ago and bought a
fiddle, several bows, and a pile of rosin.
You w ill remember at West Point there
was no music in his soul, no poetry, no
relaxation, nothing but hard applica
tion to his text books. So his new fad
makes it awful for us. Every minute
he cau spare he devotes to practicing
on the fiddle, and the sounds wbioh fill
the barracks iu his vicinity are beyond
description; almost beyond endurance. "
"Be patient," said Whiting with a
smile; "If 'Tom' Jackson is determined
to muster his violin you will listen to a
second Pnganinl before he gives it up, "
Put Whiting's prediction was not
verified, Jackson never became a
musician. New York Tribune.
A Dandy of Otbar Days.
From a newspaper printed in the year
1770 is the following description of a
dandy: "A few days ago a macaroni
made his appearance in the Assembly
rooms at Whitehaven, dressed in a mixed
silk coat, pink satin waistooat and
breeches covered with an elegant silk
net, white silk stockings with pink
clocks, pink satin shoes and large pearl
buttons; a mushroom colored stock,
covered with point lace, hair dressed re
markably high and stuck full of pearl
pins,"
That's So.
"If corn is king," said the chiropod
ist, "I must lie a regicide. "St, Joseph
Mewe,
CliOfffltN ! CLOTme
10 For nnt MediiictioE.
WE ARE SELLING OUR STOCK OF
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ALSO .
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WE GUARANTEE SATISFACTION
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Bloomsburg, Pa.
HUT
A IV V At
uno 11
An n 1
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