AMONG THE MORMONS.
SELECTIONS FROM THE WRITINGS
OF ARTEMUS WARD.
Wlmt Ilrlghani Voting Itiul to Say Abont
the Car of Much Married Life.
Faith Vowml to lletujr Jane Kefunlng
Faaaeii to Female SufTrnKliits.
ICtopyrlphtwl ami piihllhd by special arranTi
intuit wilh Q. W. Dilliugliam. hew York, pub
lisher.) VL
A VISIT TO BIUGHAM YOUSO.
T IS now poin on 2 (too)
yeres, as I very well re
member, since 1 crowed
the rianes for Kaliforny,
the Crite land of Jold.
While crossin the Planes
all so bold I fell in with
sum noble red tnon of the
forest (N. B. This is rota sarcasticnL
Injins ia Pizin, whar ever found,) which
they Sed I was their Brother, & wanted
for to smoke the Calomel of Pence with
me. Thay then stole my jerkt beef,
blankits, eteottery, skalpt my orgin
grinder & scooted with a Wild IIoop.
Durin the cheaTs techin speech he sed
he shood meet me in the Happy Huntin
Grounds. If he duz tbnr will be a fite.
But enuff cf this ere. Reivn A'oose Mut
tons, as our skoolmaster, who has got
Talent into him, cussycally obsarve.
I arrove at Salt Lake in doo time. At
Camp Scott there was a lot of U. 8.
sogers, hossteuHibly sent out thnre to
smash the mormons but really to eut
Salt vittles & play poker & other beauti
ful but sumwhat onsartin games; I got
acquainted with sum of the officers.
Thay lookt pretty scrnmpshus in their
Bloo coats with brass buttings onto nin
and ware very talented drinkers, but so
fur as fitin is consarned I'd willingly put
my wax figgers agin the hull party.
My desire was to exhibit my grate
show in Salt Lake City, so I called on
Brig ham Yang, the grate mogull among
the mormins, and axed his permishun
to pitch my tent and onf nrl my banner
to the gentle breezis. He lookt at me in
a austeer manner for a few minits, and
ted:
' "Do yon bleeve in Solomon, Saint
Paul, the inunacnlateness of the Mor
rain Church and the Latter-day Rovela
shuns?" Sex 1, "I'm on it!" I make it a pint to
git along plesunt, tho 1 didn't know
what under the Son the old feller was
drivinat He sed I mite show.
"Yon air a marrid man, Mister Yung,
I bleeve?" sec I, preparin to rite him sum
free parsis.
"I bar eighty wives. Mister Ward. 1
aertinly am marrid."
"How do you like it as far as you hev
gotT sed L
Ho sed "middlin," and axed me
wouldn't I like to see his famerly, to
which I replide that I wouldn't mind
minglin with the fair Seek & Bargain in
the winnin smiles of his interesting
wives. Ha accordingly tuk me to his
Scareum. Tho house is powerful big &
In a exceedin largo room his wives &
children, which burst was squawkin and
hollerin enuff to take the roof rite orf
the house. Sum was pretty & snm was
Plane sum was helthy and sum was oo
the Wayne which is verses, tho sicb
was not my intentions, as I don't 'prove
of puttin verses in Proze rittins, tho ef
oocashun requires 1 can Jerk a Poim
ekal to any of them Atlantic Mnnthly
fellers.
"Mj wives, Mister Ward," sed Yung.
"Your sarvant, marms," sed I, as I sot
down in a cheer which a red-heded fe
male brawt me.
"Besides these wives you see here,
Mister Ward," sod Yung, "I hav eighty
more in varis parts of this consecrated
land which air Sealed to me."
"Which?" sez 1, gittin up.
"Sealed, Sir! sealed."
"Whare bowts?" sez L
"I sed, Sir, that they was sealed!" He
spoke in a traggerdy voice.
"Will they probly continner on in that
stile to any grate extent. Sir?" I axed.
"Sir," sed he, turnin as red as a biled
beet, "don't you know that the rules of
our Church is that I, the Profit, may hev
as meny wives as I wants?"
"Jes so," I sed. "You are old pie,
ain't you?"
"Them as is Sealed to me that is to
say, to be mine when I wants um air
at present my sperretooul wives," sed
Mister Yung.
"Long may thay wave!" sez I, seein I
should git into a scrape ef I didn't look
oat
In aprivit conversashun with Brig
ham I learnt the follerin fax: It takes
him six weeks to kiss his wives. He
don't do it only onct a yere & sez it is
wubs nor cleanin house. He don't pre
tend to know his children, there is so
many of um, tho they all know him. He
sez about every child he meats culls him
Par, & he takes it for grantid it is so.
His wives air very expensiv. They allers
want suthin & ef he don't buy it for um
thay set tho house in a uproar. He sez
he don't have a minit's peace. His
wives fite amung theirselves so much
that he has built a fitin room for thare
speshul benefit, & when too of 'em get
into a row he lias em turned loose into
that place, whare the dispoot is settled
accordin to the rules of the London prize
ring.
Sum times thay aboos hisself Individ
oottlly. Thay hev pulled the most of his
hair out at the roots & be wares mouy a
horrible scar npon his body, inflicted
with wop-handles, broom-sticks, and
sich. Occashnnly they git mad & scald
him with bilin hot water. When he got
eny wnze cranky thay'd shut him np in
a dark cloeit, previsly whippin him artrr
the stile of mnthers when thare off
ppritis git onraly. Sumtimos when he
went in swimmin thay'd go to the banks
of tho Lake and steal all his close, there
by coinpellin him to sneek home by a
sircootins rowt, drest in the Skandrrlna
stile of the Greek Slaiv. "I find that the
kerrs of a luarrid life way hevy onto
me," sed tho Profit, sumtiines I wish
I'd remaned ningel." 1 left the Profit
and Btartid for the tavern whare 1 pnt
np to. On my way I was overtuk by a
lnrgo krowd of Mormons, which they
surronndid me r.nil statid that thoy were
goin into the Hhow free.
"Wull," st'Z I. "if I find a iudividooal
who is goin round lettin folks into his
show free, I'll let you know."
"We've had n llevolaahnn biddin us go
into A. Ward's Show without pnyin noth
in!" thay ahowtid.
"Yes," hollered a lot of femaile Mor
uionwses, oeusin mo by the coat tales &
swingin me round very rapid, "we're all
goin in free! So sei the Ilevelashnn!"
"What's Old Revelashun got to do
with my show?" sez I, git tin putty rily.
"Tell Mister Uevelashun," sed I, drawiu
myself up to my full hits and lookin
round upon the ornery krowd with a
proud & defiant mean, "tell Mister Itov
el.iiOiun to mind his own biznoHs, snbject
only to the Konstitushun of tlve United
States!"
"Oh now let us in, that's a sweet
man," sed Baveral fcmaiLs, puttin thare
arms round me in luvin stylo, "Become
1 of us. Decora a Prat & hav wives
Sealed to you."
'"Not a Seal!" sez 1. startin buck in
horror at the idee.
"Oh stay, Sir, stay," sed a tall, gawut
femuile, ore whoos bed 5J7 summirs must
hev pared, "stay, & I'll be your Jentle
Gazelle."
'Not ef I know it, you won't," sez L
"Awa you skanderlus fetnaile, awa! Go
& be a Nunnery!" That't what I ned,
jes so.
"& L" sed a fat chunky femaile, who
must hev wade more than too hundred
lbs., "I will bo your sweet gidin Star!"
Sez 1, "He bet two duller and a half
you won't!" Wharear 1 may Home He
still be troo S thee, Oh Betsy Janet N,
B Betsy Jane is my wife's Sir naimo.j
"Wiltist thou not tarry here in the
promist Land?" sed several of the miser
abil critters.
"lie see you all essenshally cussed be 4
I wiltist!" roared I, as mad as I cood bo
at thare infernul nonoenU. I girdid up
my Lions & fled the Seen. I packt up
my duds & Left Salt Lake, which id a
2nd Sodduin & Germorrer, inbabitid by
as theavin & onprincipled a set of retchk
as ever drew Breth.
WOKAKS IUOHTB.
Ipichtmy tent in a small town in
Injianny one day last seeson, & while 1
was Rtandin at the dore takin money, a
deppytushun of ladies came up Sc sed
they wos members of the Bo&kuniville
Female Refonuin & Wimmin's Bite's
Associashun, and they axed me if they
cood go in without payio.
"Not exactly" sea 1. "but you can pay
without goin in."
"Dew you know who we air?" said
one of the wimmin, a tall and feroshus
lookin critter, with a blew kotten uia
breller under her arm, "do you know
who we air. Sir?"
"My impreshun is," sed I, "from a
kersery view, that you air females."
"We air, Sur," Raid the feroshus
woman "we belong to a Society whitch
beleeves wimmin has rites whitch De
leaves in raziu her to her proper speer
whitch beleeves she is indowed with as
much intelleck as man is whitch be
leeves she is trampled on and a boosed
& who will resist hense4th & forever
the incroachments of proud & domineer
ing men."
"I hope, marm," sea I, starting back,
'that your intensions is honorable! I'm
a lone man hear in a strange place. Be
sides, I've a wife to hum."
"Yes," cried the female, "A she's a
slave! Doth she never dream of free
domdoth she never think of thro win
of the yoke of tyrrinny Ss thinkin &
votin for herself? Doth she never think
of these here things?"
"Not bein a natral born fool," sed 1,
by this time a little riled, "1 kin safely
say that she dothunt"
"Oh whot whot!" screamed the fe
male, swingin her nmbroller in the air.
"O, what is tho price that woman pays
for her expeeriuuee!"
"I don't know," sez I; "the price of
my show is 15 cents pur iudividooal."
'& can't our Sosiety go in freer asked
the female.
"Not if I know it," Bed L
"Crooil, crooil man," she cried, & bust
into teers.
"Won't you let my darter in?" sed
anuther of the exsentrio wimin, taken
me afeluhunitely by the hand. "O,
please let my darter in, shoe's a sweet
gushin child of natur."
"Let her gush!" roared I, as mad as I
cood stick at their turnal nonsense; "let
her gush!" Where upon they all sprung
back with the siinultanious observtudiua
that I was a Beest
"My female friends," sed I, "be4 you
leeve, I've a few remarks to remark; wa
them well. Tho female woman is one
of the greatest institooshuna of which
this land can boste. It's on possible to
get along without her. Had there bin
no female wimin in the world, I should
scarcely be here with my unparaleld
show on this very oocashun. She is
good in sickness good in wellness good
all tho time. O woman, woman!" I
cried, my feelins workod np to a hi
poetick pitch, "you air a angle when
you behave yourself; but when you take
off your proper apparel & (mettyforical
ly Bpeuken) get into pantyloons when
you desert your firesides, & with your
beds full of wimin's rites noshuns go
round like roarin lions, seekin whom
you may devour soineboddy iu short,
when you undertake to play the man,
you play the devil and air an emfatio
noosau(. My female friends," I con
tinnerod, as tliey were indignantly do
partin, "wa well what A. Wiurd has
awl!"
"DANKEST ENGLAND."
GENERAL BOOTH'S PLAN FOR THE
RELIEF OF ENGLAND'S POOR-
The Salvation Army Leader' 1'mject
Meeting W ith Fnr- The Suhinerg-eil
Tenth"--A Itndlenl and Par Readilng
Pcheme A 1, 000,000 Needed to Kndow
the l:nterprle
The chief of the Salvation Army,
"General" Booth, has suggested, in a
book that U exciting deep interest, a
pliin for the relief of what lie calls tho
"submerged tenth" of Great lltituiti.
Mr. Sliiuley's description, in "D.ikest
Africa, "of the Congo Foret and iu
people soemod to General Booth so typi
cal of the condition of K.-nt Iondon, (lint
lie lias called 1 1 is book "Darkest E.ij;
land, nud the Way OuL "
I.i is possible hero only to assert that
the lives of the people of East London,
that portion of the great city given over
to the lowest nnd most hopeless classes,
rench a point of misery and degradation
almost !eyond tho belief of the more
fort unn to.
These clnsse throughout the United
Kingdom, inclusive of London, number,
according to General Booth, 3,000,000
souls, Hourly ns many as all the people
of Scotland. The extent of the evil
shows the difficulty of dealing w ith it.
Iu this work it is asserted, and iy many
admitted, that the Salvation Army has
lieen most successful. Through an ex
tension of its methods, General Booth
would show the "submerged" the "way
out" of their wretchedness.
I1U scheme is radical, and of great
proportions II ) proposes to attack the
problem by means of three so called
colonies, the City, the Farm, and tho
Over Sea.
The plan of the City Colonies is de
rived in part from that of tho Salvation
Army Food and Shelter Depots, success
ful establishments, where all comers
are received at fourpence a night iu
payment for supper, breakfast, and a
sleeping place. Under the uuw arrange
ment, a Labor Yard will give the opp r
tuuity to pay one's way by work. Be
sides this, u Household Salvage Brigade
is propocd for the purpose of colleciing
the vust waste of food, tins, and other
scras that would be utilized by vil
lagers, but mtiot be thrown away iu
cities.
In these nnd other minor occupations
the inmiites, for whom those iu chu-ge
have not found regular employment or
returned to friends, may show their ca
pacity for steady work. When it is
sulficiently proved, they are reudy to
send to the Farm Colony.
The purchase of an estate of 500 to
1,000 ncros near London, and close to a
railwny, is to provide for Ihis second
branch of the undertaking. Wasteland
And waste labor will thus come together.
The farm Usidf is expected to truin all
capable men in agriculture of various
soru The care of small fruits will give
specinl opportunities to women.
An Industrial Village, the nucleus of
the Farm Colony, will contain factories
lo convert tho Salvnge Brigade's scraps
into useful artictes, the bones into but
tons, the tins into toys, nnd so on
through the list The waste food, such
ns is not fit for human use, will go to
the pigs and other animals on the farm.
From service in this second grade of
the enterprise, more persons will be re
stored to friends, and the usual em
ployments of men nud women. Others
still will show their fitness for promo
tion to tbo third and last settlement,
the Over Sea Colony.
In England's foreign possessions Gen
eral Booth believes suitable tracts for
this colony may easily be found. With
some knowledge of farm life, on land
prepared by pioneers for settlement,
granted t-i t!e colonists as their I di
vidual propi rt uudor the sole obliga
tion to repay the expense of their
journey and outfit, ruled by good laws,
the men and women rescued from
Darkest E gland will have a (air
chance to live their new lives.
For the endowment of the enterprise
General Booth asks 1,000,000, less than
the cost of n single first cluss ship of war.
The evidont advantages of the plan are
that it begins in the core of the evil it
would conquer; from the first it culti
vates self dependence instead of pauper
ism; throughout it is progressive, lead
ing men on from strength to strengtlu
Of couise objections are raised to the
plan: that the cause of wretchedness
and misery is largely in the people them
selves; that other sgenoie to accomplish
the same end are in operatiou; that the
successful execution of tho plan requires
more ability of leadership than can be
found.
Yet when all is said, the plan surely
deserves serious consideration. Such a
nation as England might afford enor
mous experiments, undertukeu with
reasonable hope of solving one of her
gravest problems.
' What Rained the Meeting.
Mr. Wigi'ins Well, my dear, did the
Woman's Society for Reforming the
Earth have a good meeting?
Mrs, Wiggins (a fair reformer) Well,
just so so. You see, business was going
on beautifully when some ono asked the
president about the now bonnets woru
by the younger Sorosis women at their
annual meeting.
"Proceed. "
Mrs, W. (blushingly) And then thou
the hour for adjournment had come and
gone before she got through. Pittsburg
Bulletiu.
A Sea Bath In Winter.
A writer in the Ladies' Home Journal
brings a timely matter to mind: "People
who are fond of sea bathing in summer
should know that in winter a most ef
fective and yet simple substitute for sou
water is a cup of rock salt dissolved in
Warm water and added to the batik A
warm salt bath of this kind is the most
refreshing touio for an exhausted body.
But don't go out of doors after tuking
it. Just before going to bed is the right
time.
One of the strongest characteristics of
genius ia tho power of lightiug its own
fire.
Knots on Tree.
It is a mistake lo suppose that the
knots or wnrls which are very common
on some species of forest trees nro duo
to insects, fungus, or accident, or nro in
any way unnatural growths. They de
velop as results neither of tho health
nor disenso of the tree, not of such con
ditions ns specinl kinds of soil or situa
tions. Science OokhIj) thus accounts for
their formation:
"In the bulks of our forest trees nro
contained n multitude of latent buds,
which nro dovelopcd nnd grow under
certain favorable conditions. Some lives
possess this property iu a lemnrkablo
degree, nnd often, when tho other parts
are killed down by frost, thy property
of pushing out these latent buds into
growth preserves the life of tho plnnt.
't hese buds having once begun to grow,
adhere to the woody layer at their base,
and push out their Hiuts through tho
bark toward the light.
"Tho buds thou unfold nud develop
leaves, which elaborate the snp carried
up the small shoot Once elaborated,
it descends by the bnrk. Here it is ar
rested, so to speak, nnd deposited be
tween the outside and inner layer of
bark, ns can le learned on examining
specimens on tho trees in the woods al
most nny where."
An V.gg That Drought a Ilnnband.
A proposal came to a pretty Maine
school teacher in a very novel manner.
While at her father's home iu Sidney, a
few years ago, she wrote her name and
nddress upon an egg, u hich she secured
in nil its warm freshness from the ma
ternal nest. The egg went to market,
and the fact that it liore an inscription
was ft rgotteu. In the course of w eeks a
letter i-nme lo the Hchoolma'am, and to
her amazement she learned that that
particular egg had hatched strange re
sults. The sou of a big commission merchant
in a Massachusetts city had seen the
name and hud written to say that "if
tho young lady was ns retty as her
name he would like to f .nit more inti
mate acquaintance." With the charac
teristic modesty of the Maine school
ma'am, our heroine dL-oournged the ad
vances of the strangely Required ad
mirer. However, be was persistent, and
came donn to Maine, It is to be sup
posed that he found his ideal, for nu en
gagement and w elding followed ill
quick succession. L 'islon Journal.
Ihe Advrninree of a I'lomre.
Here Is it table setting forth the
strange, eventful story of the apprecia
tion of Millet's " Angelus. " The picture
has been bought by the way. not for
the gallery of the Louvre, us has been
stated, but for the ) rivate gallery f M.
C'haiichanl, who was formerly director
of the Magasins de Louvre (hence the
confusion):
Sold by the ) aiuter to JL Fey
ilea ii 73
Who s. I t il. to M. It! one. f Mon
aco 120
Who pa-se I ii on lo Mr. Stevens,
w ho so d it to M. Vuu Praet . . 300
When, after pus iug through sev
eral bauds, it was bought by M.
Wilson 15,300
At w hose sale M. Secretau bought
it MOO
At whose sale the American as
sciatioii bid , 33,000
While M. l'rous', for the French
government, b'd 23,130
Cliumber refund the money. Piol
ure went to America, and hns
now been sold to M. Chouchard
for 80,000
A Novel Plan of Irrigation.
An important experiment has been
made in the province of the Don Co
sacks, Un-sia, by M. hheiel z v. He
collected ihe water from rain nnd the
melting of snows into two hh1h, hold
ing together about 1.872.000,000 cubic
feet, nnd distributed it among the fields
in siring and summer. These pools
stippli -d sufficient water to Irrigate more
than 8,293 acres, but were unable to
contain all the water which flowed to
ward them, and therefore two new
pools have been made and the irrigated
area eularged to 2,060 acres. ., In conse
quence of this irrigation, says The Scot
tish Geographical Magazine, the wheat
crop has increased from aloiit 9J to 15
bushels per acre, and the profits of the
undertaking have been, according toM,
SlierebEov, 80 per oeut
Vegetable V. Ueef.
It appears to be the belief of some
that hs man in the savage state hns for
the most part been largely, if not wholly,
carnivorous, he will with the progress
of civilization U'conie entirely vege
tarian or use only the products of ani
mals, os egs nnd milk, with vegetable
food. A vegetable diet has been found
very successful in treating kidney
troubles nud indigestion. In point of
economy it is an enormous saving, not
only in actual cost to the consumer, but
also in land, as of two equal portions of
ground, one raising a cereal and the
other beef or mutton, the part devoted
to the cereal will support ten times as
many men as tho beef or mutton por
tion. Popular Science Monthly.
Man's Face.
The two sides of the human face are
not exactly alike, nnd a German biologist
asserts that the lack of symmetry is, as
a rule, confined to the upper parts of
the face. Iu two cases out of five the
eyes are out of line, and seven persons
out of every ten have stronger sight in
oue eye than iu the other. Another
singular fact is that tho right ear is
almost universally shorter thau the left,
not only a littlo shorter, but enough to
show even in inexact measurement
St Louis Rdpublia
How to Take Flattery.
Don't worry whether the man who
Bays nice things to you means them or
not The fact that he takes the pains
to say them is a compliment 1I
doubtless bos an axe to grind, but it
doesn't follow that you must turn the
grindstone,
Chinamen generally travel by threes
and fours, and are always chattering,
CLOTMITO! CLOTHING
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WE ARE SELLING OUR STOCK OF
Winter and Spring Clothing,
ALSO
Gents Furnishing Goods, at a re
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Call at once and secure bargains. Our stock is new and all
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This is POSITIVELY the best chance of BUYING
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We have also a fine lot of cloths from which we can make
Suits to Order.
WE GUARANTEE SATISFACTION
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Come while this reduction lasts.
Emm & EEB,
PiANOS, ORGANS tfe SEWING MACHINES.
J. SALTZER'S
n
With many years experience in buying and selling musical instruments
PiiTS achines 1 c,fn g"ntee to my customers the best in the markets
rianos and Omans nurchased of me. rm u iu ...
.0 1 --- - ivmu uuun, 11 anvtning get.
out of order, it can easily be corrected, and a great deal of annoyance saved.
Inslriirtii-tns msn nil .,,1, r o . , , . J .-v. im.vu
successfully- 1 "aat,s Ul
The STECK PIANO is tho best mace. its tone is surpassed
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ESTEY and the STARR
PIANOS,
And The
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UNITED STATES
ORGANS.
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In Sewing Machines we
" !
We sell the best Sewing Mach
ine made for $19.50$
J. Saltzer, Bloomsburg, Pa.
3 B. E0BBIN&
DEALER IN
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Bloomsburcf; Pa.
1
ocwmg Juacnines, how to operate them
TO
ij,
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