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BLOOMSBURG, PENN'A. FRIDAY, DECEMBER 16, '81.
A little girl who was much petted Haul:
"I like sitting on gentlemen's knees hot
tcr than on ladies' ; don't you, in:i I"
"Hrown do you know why you arc
liku a donkey?" "Like a donkey t"
echoed Hrown opening his eyes wide.
"No. I don't." "Do you give it up t" "1
do." UccatiNO your better half is stub-!
bornness itself." "That's not bad. 11a,
ha ! I'll givo that to my wife when I get
home." "Mrs. Hrown," he asked, as he
sat down to supper, "do you know why
t i.l 1 1 alt TT t
i am iikc a uoiiKey i no waueu a mo-i
nient, expecting his wife to givo it up.
Hut she didn't. .She looked at him some
what cominiseratingly as she answered,
"I suppose because you were born one."
oOO overcoats to select from utl
"Sweet sixteen" must take a back seat,
as the Americans say. The (esthetes
declare that the quite too-too ago of quiv-i
ering sensibility and sudden sympathy is
two-find twenty. It is impossible, they
say,to be ''utterly-utter," before that age.
For a nobby suit go to Low
enberg's. "Yes, gentlemen, ccrtainly,of course,"
said a polite clothier, "if you want a pair
of pants, step right up to my pantry, if a
vest, walk right into my vestry : and if
a coat here, Jacob, show this gentle
man into the coterie. This way gentle
men, this way."
For a, new style bat go to Lowenberg's.
One of the young men belonging to a
choir had his hair cut by a generous bar
ber, Saturday. Sunday lie sang for a
solo, "Cover my defenceless head," and
blushed like a lobster while doing it.
Seal skin caps at Lowenberg's.
"Jane," said he, "I think if you lifted
your feet away from the lire, we might
have some heat in the room." And they
hadn't been married two years either.
Fur collars at Lowenberg's.
Hat & Cap
The minister was telling the story of
Mary Magdalene to the children, and
when he had finished, ho wished to ascor-j
tain if they had been listening attentive- MISCELLANEOUS
ly, so he asked: "Now, children, what!
did Mary have '.'" Hilly (ireen yelled out,!
"Mary had a little lamb," aud the minis
tor told old Green, and when Hilly got
homo he had one, too. I
Pretty suits for boys at Lowen-
They had been engaged for a long
tune, and one evening were reading the
paper together. "Look ! love," he ex-!
elaimed,"only thirty dollars for a splen.
did snitof clothes!" "Is it a weddiugsuit?'
she asked, looking naively at her lover.
"Oh, no," he answered : "it's a business
suit!" "Well, I meant business," she
And he bought a new suit at
I A sentimental editor says : "It is com
forting to know that ono eye watches
I fondly for our coming,aud looks brighte
when wo come." A contemporary i
moved to learn that his "brother of
die quill has n wife with one eye.
Suits made up
in city style at
WJfcKi'M I 1000 Mm mmi S j
lm'iiag She MOLI DAVS ill
TfeePOTBLAB (WI'bllM STORE
of Columbia Ctoiuify to buy the bargains in
fJlothin now ollcrcd.
The finest lasae f
consisting of Suits, Overcoats, Ulsters, Enc-
isii v suiting ;oais tor mien, Boys and
A large stock of Hnglish, Scotch Cassi
meres. A variety of Imported and Domes
tic Suitings, Worsted Cloths, ISeavers, Ac,
any of which will he made ub in CiTY
ST VI, 10.
I now replete with the Cutest Styles in
Stiff and Soft, Fine. Fur and Wool HATS.
Sealskin, Skating and Driving CAPS, for
men, Hoys and Children.
thf BICYCLE SHIRT,
Fine, ISlue FianneS, Casshncrcs and a full
line of Colored Shirts. The celebrated
PEARL, SHIRT always on hand.
Always full of the Batest MOVKiriFS for
Fine Mntilers, tine Hosiery, tine Silk
Handkerchiefs, tine JSeaver Collars, Ccloves
for dress anoS driving, tine Trunks, Valises,
American Watches always in stock in
Oold and Silver and cheaper than ever.
Call and be convinced for yourselves, that
the largest stock to select trom is always on
hand at D. JLOWJENJBEltft'S.
Caill and see, coine and be convinced, that
we are now prepared to sell you cheapei
than ever at
A HOT HIDE.
Schenectady man's oxDerieuce while
coasting in a scoop shovel, making tho
lust cut time on record, in thus related :
Not many evenings ago, a well known
resident of this citv. accompanied bv his
wife and a steel bcooii shovel, was iour-
neying down town from Pago Hill, when,
upon arriving at the summit of the Ham
ilton etreet hill which was a glare of
ice from summit to foot the man jok
ingly remarked to the lady that "it
wouldn't be a bad idea to ride in the
"You couldn't," said tho woman.
"Pshaw 1" Yes I could. I could go."
and to illustrate he straddled the handle,
which he grasped with both hands, and
carefully seated himself iu the shovel.
'Then raising his feet he showed how ho
could "steer himself, and said "I could
go just ns easy as anything."
"Why, so you could." acauiesced his
wife, and then giving him a sudden
shove, she added : "aud there you go."
Hamilton street hill is the steeliest, the
icest and "slipperiest" of all Schenoetady
hills, and the way the scoop shovel
took that man down was a sight t be
The fatuous lightning express trains
were slow pokes in comparison to that
So fast did it travel that in less than
tu o seconds time both shovel and man
had disappeared from view of the wife.
Hut a second later she was startled by
seeing what appeared to be a ball of fire
rushing at a lightning speed toward the
toot ot the lull, and although considera
bly frightened, the woman managed to
descend the hill and instituted a search
for her husband. !
She found the shovel, which lav appa
rently exhausted in a small puddle of
A short distance fiirthershe discovered
he r poor husband seated in a snow-bank
and groaning terribly. Even in the
larkness she noted the erpresMou of
agony upon his face. ,
"Maria, he murmured, "my Sunday
pants nre ruined."
Isot another word was t.nokeu. but
when the shovel had become Bufliciently
cool, they started for home carefully
selecting the darker sides of the least
The man went directly to bed aud his
toes were turned toward the springs.
i he shovel has recovered, but the man
still stands up during meal time.
The latest stvle of neck-wear
always on hand at Lowenberg's.
A doctor recently restored the speech
of a woman w'.m had been dumb for
seven years, and the last seen of him he
was sitting on a rail fence picking the
buckshot out of his head, while tho in
furiated husband was hustliug toward
home to reload his gun.
He had given Ids daughter a new
opera hat, and she called him par-ex-excellence.
A young mother in Cincinnati was
giving to her son, aged R years, a touch
ing description of the misery into which
the prodigal son had fallen. "Far away
from homu and his kind father, obliged
to take care of swine with uothiug to
cat but the husks of corn left by thorn."
"Then why didn't ho eat the pigs?" was
the practical reply of the young Pork
opolitau. Fine Underwear at Lowenberg's.