RATES OP ADVERTISING.
urn
AMI)
glatfiwufaivji gjCML
H rUllMBllKD KVUIIY FRIDAY JIORNlNU
tN THE OOLUMI1IAH JlUILlltNO NEAltTHR
couiiT Housn, laoousnuna, iA by
CHARLES B. BROCKWAY,
KDiion amd rnorniETon.
Toro:Trco Dellars a tear payatlo In advaceo,
JOB EMITTING
.if illdoscrtptlons executed with neatness nnd
v ' .llu..nlnhiil fcnkntinlilornlpi.
Oolumbia Oountv Offloial Directory,
;yWnl Jmloe-WtLt.IAM KIATILL.
UfOCtCl'e.UUi'e J.A3l IKM. iBAAU O. ,
':'voWotio((itT,.lc.-Hni)oi.rii It. IltNai.Kn.
jteaMeTil: Itceorder Williamson H.JACi
Dtitriet Attorney JAM W.lillYBON, Jit.
ytioc(aiiU(tfej Iiiam Dkiih, Isaac; 8. Molt-
JAC011Y.
. I utr A llmu UMtTII
hoveuor 1HAA0 DKWITT.
Jrrntirer WILLIAM I.AMOJf.
Cnmmhiloncrt 1,'Yliira lloiuims, HlIiAM .1.
JtrfcliKH, WILLIAM BlIAFFKIl.
tvinrnfjilone-rV Ctcr William KntCKiiAUM,
Auditor) U. J. CAMI'UELL, DANIEL l.KE.
t'UAHLEH CnNNKK
Coroner CMAHLK9 O. Mont-IIY.
,i7' CbmmlMtoiicrJ iHAAOMcUitlDn, John Ma;
Ccmiiii Superintendent fn. II. Bkyhek.
Jlloom 1'oor TilttrM Directors, R. II. Miller
William Kiiameii, lllooinshnrg, unit Johnsoii
lKt.I.Elt.OrH'UWOOl), CHAllLLULONNEn.tiCC'y.
Bloomsuurg Offloial Directory,
lllMimitvrg Hanking Co. JOHN -A. KUNSION
l'lo-tueni, II. II. U110TZ, (.'ashler. ,.
lrxt National Jlank C1IAS. It. rAXTON.rrcs't ,
J. I'. Ti'stin. Cnlilr. ,
l,limblaCuuntuMUmlBatnaFuiidmdTMnnA'
todnltonU. II. Little, l'rcs't., U. W. AIilleb,
HfC'j
Jlloomibura Hutldtna and Bavlnn Fund AMorta
Inn-WM. I'kacock, l'rcs't., J, 11. lleiiiisoN.Bec.
JHommbura Mutual oVlrtric; JVnd A Moc'rltton
J.J. lmowtu President, V. O.UAIIKLEY, Bec'y.
Ohuroh Directory.
l'llESllYTEIUAN CHURCH.
.UinMcr-Itcv. Htusrt Mllclioll.
Hutibath .Scmcfl-IUK A. JI.; 7 1". M.
AVl66rlAAtiooI-A.M. ...
lfmicr HccUna Wcduoiday. 7 1. M.
Heats freo; uo pews rented; strangers wel
come. Blooinnburg Diroctory.
IiAl'EKHAOH'nM received nnd for talo ut the
Columiiian Olllce.
CLOTIIlNaT&C.
DAVID I.OWENllEltO, MerchantTullor.Mnlii
ht.,atiovo Aniertcanlloim-,
CLOCKS, WATCHES, AO.
i E. HAVAOE, dealer In Clocks, WntclicH and
y. Jewelry, Mulu St., Just below tlio American
House.
r OUIS HEltNHARD, Watch and Clock maker
j near southeast corner Main and Iron Bis.
n' OATIICAItT, Watch and Clock Maker.Mar
It, kcl street, below Main,
BOOTS AND SHOES.
EM, iCNOItll, Dealer In lloots and Bhocs, latest
and hist styles, comer Main and Market
streets, In tlio old l'ost Olllce.
HKNKY Kf.EIM, Manufacturer and dealer In
Hoots and Mines, Oroccrles, etc., Main street,
i:n 1l!loomsburc.
PROFESSIONAL.
D
It. II. C. 1IOWUU, Hurceon Dentist, Main St..
atiovo tuo uoun iiouse.
H. WM. M. KEHER, SurROon and I'liyslclan.
Olllco over mo nrsiraiiouai hum.
n (l.HARKLEY,Attornoy-at-i.aw. 021cc,2d
l, lloorln thecoliwililan building.
Til. McKKI.VV.M. D., Burgeon nnd I'liyslclan
J . north side Main St., below Market.
T (3. RUTTEU, M. D. Burceon and Physician
ij. Markot street, abovo Main,
r 11. RoniSON, Altorncy-at-Law, (lllci Hart
i) , man's building, Main street.
DIl. I), V. KINNEY, Burgeon Dentist. Teeth
extracted without pain; Main bt., nearly op
oslto Episcopal Church,
T It, EVANS, M. D Burseon nnd Phvslelnn
.1 north sldo of Main street abovo J, K.Eycr's.
DIt.A. 1. TtTHNEH, Physician and Sinceon, nf
tleo over Kleltn's Dina Rtoie, itHliii nco one
ilonr below Itev. 1). J. Waller.
MILLINERY & FANCY GOOHS.
V PETEllMAN, Millinery nnil riinry i.nnus,
17
. opposlto Episcopal Church, Main st,
Ml KB I.17.Z1K HAItKI.EY, Milliner. KninRey
bnlldiUKMain street,
MIKM M. DEItniCKSON, Millinery Hint Eaucy
(Joods, Main St., below Market.
M1IH. JUI.IA A. A &AIIR HAKKI FY Ladle"'
Cloaks nnd Dress Patterns, noun.. ii corner
Main and Weststs.
rnlli: MISSEH IlAItMAN Milllnerv ami Fancy
1 (loods Maluhl,, below Amcrlenn House,
HOTELS AND SALOONS.
tfOltKB HOTEL, by T. Ilcnt. Taylor, east end
T of Main stieet.
MERCHANTS AND OltOCERS.
M C. MAHK. Dry Goods and Notions, south
U west corner Main and Iron His.
IiOX A WEIill, Confecllnnery and I'akery,
f wholesalo nnd retail, ExclianKe P.lock.
HtMIOWEIt, Hats nnd Taps, IioolsnndBhocs,
. Main St., above Court House.
1 II. MAIZE. Mnmmolh Grocery, lino Gro
,1. rerles, Fruits, Nuts, Provision, Ac., Main
find Ccntro Streets. t
M'ICELVY, NKAI. A CO., dealers in Dry Goods,
Groceries, Flour, Feed, Ball, Fish. lion, Nails,
eti,N. E. cor. Main and Market tts.
fi II. MIT.T.un kon. dealers in Drv Goods,
i Groceries, (jueensware, Flour, Kail, Bhocs,
motions, eic.Aiainsi.
MISCELLANEOUS.
OM. CHUIKTMAN, Baddlo, Trunk A Harness,
, maker, Bblve's llloek Mnlu Street.
W. nonillNS.llrinordenlerseconddoorfrom
w nonnwesi corner jiain anu iron sis.
V J. THOllNTON, Wall Paper. Window Blmdes
Vi. and flitr.rts, Itupert block. Main St.
f W. COftEI.I,, Furniture Hooms, three story
u- urick, JlaluHtieel.wesioiiia
HltOSENBTOCK.Photocrapher,
& Eycr'n Store, Main St.
over Itobblnn
WM. ItABll, dealer in fnrnltnro, trunks, ccdot
wjuow ware, near ine Miras iioiei.
V H. I1IDI.KMAN, Apent for Muuson's Copper
u luuuiar i.isuininE itou.
fl FOSTEH, While and Fancy Tanner, and
u. ueaier in ice,ftCouown,
TOTK HOOKB. nnd blank NOTES, with or wllh
1' out oxomptlon.for sale at tho Columbian
Catawissa,
By. DAIJ.MAN, Merchant Tailor, Second St.
. IlobbliiB' Ilulldlug.
D
H.J, K. IIOIIIIINS, Bnreoon and Physician
neconu Mt uoiow Ainin,
fllUlEUT & KI.INK.dry coods, KrocerleB.aud
u cenerai niercnauuise, main nueni
H. K1BTI.EU. "( atlowlssn House," North
corner Aiiun anu eecouu aireeis.
T KEILEU, nillnrd Saloon, Oysters, nnd Ice
j. .reuiu in seusuii juuium.
M
. ury uooils, Groceries Ac,
tJUSOUEHANNA or llrlck Hotel. H. Koslcn
p bander Proprletor.soutli-castcorncrMalnnnd
M. II. ABBOTT, Attorney at law, Main St.
Light Street.
H.
V. OMAN A Co., Wueolwrlcuts, drat door
"l0.l'N A, OMAN, Manufacturer and dealer
lloots and Bhoea
Ill
R
S. KNT ilbaln. 1.. Uln... an,, nl.i war.
in
all its brunches.
llt.lhlt ENT. Miller, and dealer In all kinds oi
lrcliute'd' 1 lour 'cci1' dc' Au klua IOl1"
Espy.
;' W. KlIOAlt, BUkouelmmia I'laiilue Mil
1 'iid llox Man faclurW.
Buck Horn,
M..al Y' H. HHOKMAKF.lt, dealers In dry
n goods (.rncoltrlcs nud general unrchaiulso
VOLUME VI. ---NO, 62.
Orangovillo Diroctory,
D
It. HEItlUNO ft nitOTIIEU.CarriontcrsntKl
. llnlldeis, Main St., below l'lue.
B
KICK HOTEfj and refreshment Baloon, by
ltoiirwiienry cor.oiiinin nnu nnosi.
DIt. O.A.MEOAUGEIi,PhyslelnnandBitrgcon
Main st,, next door to Good's Hotel,
D AVID IIEUIHNO, Flour nnd Orlst Mill, and
Dealer In Ernln.MUlBtreel,
TAMES 11. II AHM AN. Cabinet Makor nud Uu
o derlaker. Main St., below Pine,
SCHUYI.EU A CO., Iron fouuners.Mncblnlsls
and MnuufactuierH of plows, Mill St.
SAMUEL SlIAltPLEBS.Maker of thollnyliurst
Grain Cradle. Main Hi.
Philadelphia Diroctory.
WAiNWiuaii'r & coTr
WHOI.ESAI.il GItOCEltS,
N. II. Corner Second and Arch Streets,
1'IIII.ADELl'IllA,
Dcaleis In
TEAS, SYllUPS, COFFEE, SUOAK, M0LABBE3
RICE, Briers, III OARIl BODA, AC, AC.
3-0rdcrs will rccelvo prompt ntleutlon,
may lo.07.tf.
JJARVEY 1J. WALKER,
with
MKA.ll, SOIIROI'P &
CO.,
1MI'0U1F.1:S ANIUOIUIP.KHOK
CHINA, OI.ASS AND QUEENSWAIIE,
No. 10S NOIIT1I SECOND ST.,
PHILADELPHIA.
coustimtrv on hand. lcuiM'72-lf.
Bnsinoss Cards.
II. LTTTLE,
ATTORNEY AT LAW,
Olllco Coiirl.IIouse Alley, below the CoLUM
lllAN Office, llloomsburg Pn,
Q U. RROCKWAY,
A'i 1 Ui;iM ti X Al 1JA vr ,
iiLooMsiiur.o, rA.
3-OrFicE Court House Alley. In tho Co
lumiiian butklliiL'. Jani,'67.
c,
"V. MILLER,
ATTOltNEY AT LAW,
U1IIUI, luilll iiuunu v.ivj , ui iutY in" vui.u-
iiian Olllco, Bounties, linck-l'ay and I'cnslons
collected. llloomsburE Pa. fiop.'J)'67
JOHN M. CLARK,
At It. F. Clark's lato ofllcc. Main street.
Bloomsburg, Pa,
jyj F. EYERLY
Has cnlcrcd Into tho Law and Collection busi
ness with J ohn O. Freeze. Kq., Atlorney nt
Law. olllco in Drawer's llulldln::. Main Htreet
ULooMsiurim, Pa.
iSOV. iOlll, 1Si.II.
NEW-
STOVE AND Tlti SHOP.
ISAIAH HAGENBUCH.
Main Street one door abovo E. Mendenhnll's
Store.
Ranges constantly on hand, and "for sale at the
lowest, rnics.
Tlnnlmr lu all Its branches carcfnlly attended to.
ind satisfaction guaranteed.
Tin work of all kluda wholesale and retail, a
'ial Is requested.
Jan 171
JJLOOMSI5URQ
.ii a it ci i i: u it tt. h.
MAIN KTI'KFT. T1KLOW MAItKKT,
BLOOMHUUHO, PA.
MonunirnlH. Tombs. Headstones. Ac. Work
nrnllv fXFrnfffl. Orders bv mail will recelvo
special nllciitlon. N, II, Work delivered lreool
cnari!e, J-. Jj, uuxsiuin, i-roprieiur.
OC113 ,1-tf. l U. J10X V7,
JARJTJAINS BARGAINS.
QUICK BAT.FS AND HMALI. J'norjTb.
SAVK YOUll MONHY.
Go to
1IKNHY YOST.
East Bloomsburg,Pa.,lor all kinds of Iho best
home and city niado
x u k n i i u iv i. .
Prices reasonable and thu be-' -"irk done.
Jan l7i f
yULCAN WORKS,
1) A iN V J L L ri 1 j.
WILLIAM II. LAW,
Manufacturer or Wrought Irou Bridges, Hollers,
Gasholders, Flreprnol ilulldlngx , Wiought Iron
Hooting, Booting Frames, Flooring and Doors,
Farm Gales and fencing, also Wiought Iron pip
ing, Stacks nud all kinds of Smith Work, Ac.
He pairs promptly attended to,
N. I). Drawings und Kbtlmatts supplied.
octK'71-iy.
T ERNII ARD 8TOIINEU
Would inform his friends and tho public that
no lias taken possession oi
mTJ c -r r dm j tvtt
J I I 1 1 V J 111 . i j
in tho F.xchango Block, so long occupied by lilm
nud will carry on tho business of n
FIRST-CLASS BAKERY,
1 rn lirln no tr. t lmliMi.!Tini.MflneTnprtenrn of m an V
years and nssuus tho community that ho will
lurntsh tbo bestof bread, cakes, rolls.blscult, Ac,
Iresh every day. He proposes also to keep on
nana u largo nuu wen usborivu uwicit oi
FINE CONFECTIONERY,
nr nil m-nilrM. Freiirh randies and (hope of do
mestic mnuufacture.alwnyB to bo had, wholesale
anil renin ai, inwesi rates, aujuiiuuk hid wmeij
and Coulectlouery isn well established
where may bo found Alo nud Lager, and Ito
fri'Kiitiiriits. ovstersln sentou and thu various
litllu delicacies which sultthopubllotaste. Thero
is also a
FINE ICE CREAM SALOON,
over tho confectionery Rtore, wliero ladles and
gentlemen can ouiam mo ucsi oi ice reaiu m
season.
A fair share of tho public custom Is requested
nnU UOpaiUBWlll UW SI'UlCU IU lUiUlo r.uiiii;,
Hon aprll :u,'7Ml
EW DRUG STORE.
CUIUS. A. KLEIM
Hnvlng pnrihated tbo business of K. P. UAz
now olleisat Hie old ttniid, a choice nssoi tint n
oi
DKUUS,
CHHMICALS,
PATENT MKDICINES,
toili;t AivncLi:s,
FANCY fcOAFF,
IlItUSHK'J, 4c Ac,
Ami a eineinl assnrlintut of tho choicest goods
usually lound In Ilrsleluss eslalillshmeuls,
Physicians' rirscrlpllous and Family Ueclpes
Careliilly Compounded.
on hiuiiliijs, open Horn 8 a. in., to 10 a, in., und
II OlU A Jl, 1U,, IU It p. 1U.
OE1IMAN AND F.NUL1B1I Sl'OK'EN.
lubU'73-ir
AGENTS! t'AM1'AIGN a"o N1) 11001
WAN CITIZENS' MANUAL
A eompliio Political Corapend, for infer en
varttei, J.ives oi nu iiioi'issiufiiis, anu inu i iu
nit Presidential Luliuiuatis. mo tviuiiiHiicri
,i,a. at. mul Jiectaititlon of Jntlniendiuce. J'
luteal Conventions, mul lnir Plailorms, Ccm
lilite Flei lion Hetuins'o'uitCt'UbUs.kUil eilhu
Hlatlsllinl 'Inbles, AC i!5U l'auti; to hnuruxing
Price, II.S5. Jlookiilli altltht 10 to 1.0 rer e7
laiifjmeiifr. For I Irculars, nddtess
Dl'FFIi.I.U ASlIMh Al. PublUhfr,
sept C Iw 711 Hiiusuni St., 1'lilluJcU'lilu
Miscollanoono.
D
E N T I S T It Y .
If. C3. ItOWEU. nKNTIRT.
Respectfully olTcrn his pmrosRloiinl services to
tho 1 nil Icr fititl centlerncli of IIInoinKlMirKnud vi'
clnlty. Ho In prepared to attend tonlltho varl
oun operniinin in mo 11110 oi uih proirBsion, biiu
q nrnvlilrtl Willi thn In. test linnrnvrd Poucki.ain
TKirrn which will be inserted on cold plntlus
Hilvcr nnu riiuurr unnu iu lutiit us wen uatuu uut
ural teeth. Tcetli extruded by nil the new nu J
most nr proved methods, nnd nil operations on
thn teeth enrernllynnd properly ntlonded to,
ues denco nna outre a low doors nnnve me
Court HouKo.snmo Aide.
uioomBimrg, jhu.i ti ly
I
NSURAN0E AGENCY.
vomlim SiOO.lKd
JKhm 4,IKXI,0(T
Orient mo,m
Hoyal of l,lerpool ll'oo.uo
Danvlllo ilutual W'.UJO
HirlUBIIcld S7d,i'i0
iermanin, n. v... &iio,fiiu
International N.Y 1,(69,;SJ
Farmers' Hanvllle Koo.nl
Lnucastcr city imp.oi
Homo 2,000,100
FIIEAS BUOWN, AcicnU
iasi2C71 ly. BLoovsnuna Fa,
SO. IIOWER,
ipened a llrst-class
BOOT, SHOE, HAT CAP, AND IU1! HIOI'.E.
at the old stand on 3faln 8trcot,Bloomsbnrg,afew
doorsabovo tho Court House. Ills stock Iscom-
poseuoi mo very latest anu best styles over offer
ed to the citizens of Columbln County. Ho can
Accommodate the nubile with tlio following r.nniln
at tho lowest rates. Men's heavy double soleel
sloga boots, men's double and slnglo tap aoled
1.1,. I,nn(u ln,.'tl l.nn.,.. .1, nna nt nil 1
men's lino boots and sIioch or all erratics, bov'n
double soletl boots nnd.shoes of all kinds, men's
glovo kid Balmoral shoes.men's, women's, boys's
huh jnisses' lusting gauers, women's glove rem
Polish very 11 no,wimen's morocco Balmorals and
calf shoes, women's very Hue kid buttoned gait
ers. In short boots ol all descriptions both pec
get! and sewed.
iiu wnuiu aiso can aiieniion 10 nis nno assort
ment of
ATS, CAPS, FUHS AND NOTIONS.
which comprises all the new nnd populai vari
eties at prlceswhlchcannotfalltosullall. These
goods aro olfercd at tho lowest cash rates and
win uo guaranteed to give satisfaction. A call
Is solicited before purchasing elsewhere as it Is
believed that better bargains aro to be found
than nt any othor place In the county.
THE ORANGE VlLLE MANUFAC
TUHINO COMPANY.
UANTJrACTDHEn.s of
iVGRICULTURAL IMPLEMENTS
of tlio mo9t Approveil rn,ttorns.
USUI f.c.niii,
lolllllllf,',
mid t'asllneN
eif all descriptions,
DF.AIiF.ns IN
General Merchandise, Lumber, Ae.,e!ec.
ORANGEVILLE, PA.
We would announce to tho public In general
lbnl wo have taken the well known Agricultur
al Works or this plnce nnd shall make It our aim
to monuracluro Urst Class Agricultural Imple
ments equal to any other rankers In tho State.
RUCtlUS
Tlll'Cblllllg MncliIitCN,
Both Lever nnd Tread Tower.
Plows of every Description,
among which will bo the celebrated
KNOB MOUNTAIN HERO,
ncknowledecd by all to be tho best nlow extant
lor the larmcr, Also the
Clininiiloi!, Sterns' 1'ntcnt mul
The Montrose.
ALSO, DOUBLE CORN PLOWS,
Cultivator,
Iron KcttlcN,
mul Casting
of every description. Wo shall use none but tbo
hcMt liiiiterlnlsiiiul emnlov none nut comnclenl
and experienced mechanics and our prices will
compaio uivorauiy witu any otuer jnuuutaciur-
ers. , .
Country l'rotince, L,umucr, uiu iron, xaicen in
exchange. Wo also haven store in connection
with our Agricultural worus, wnero ninv oe
found a full assortment of MKKCHANDISE
which will bo sold nt small profits. Give us a
call before purchasing clsewbeio und we guar
antee satisfaction.
march'j' 72-u
Hotols.
rpnE ESPY HOTEL.
JL
ESPY, COLUMBIA COUNTY', PA.
The undersigned would Inform thotravclllnc
riubllothat hu has taken thoabovenamedestab
ishment and thoroughly relltted tho same lor
tho perlect convenlcucoof hlsguosts. Ills larder
will bo stocked with the best the market nffords.
Tho choicest liquors, wines nnd cigars always to
De louutl in ins unr.
WILLIAM PETTIT.
Espy, Pa,
T? J. THORNTON
JL2i would nnnouncetothe citizens of Blooms.
burg and vicinity, that he ha Just received a full
nnd complete assortment of
WALL TArElt, WINDOW SHADES,
FIXTUKES, COIIDS, TASSELS,
and all oilier goods In is line of business. All
tho newest aud most approved patterns of the
day are always to be found In his establishment,
mar.5,'69-tf Main St. below Market.
CAIUVY1NG THU
UNITED STATES MAIL
BETWEEN
New York, Cork and
NEW AND FUIX-rOWEHED STEAMSHIPS.
OCEANIC. UEPUIILIO. BALTIC, CELTIC,
uiiijiA.ie., jut 1 1 irtniL,, AJJillAiiU,
ATLANTIC,
Sailing from New York on SATURDAY'S, from
Liverpool on THUKSDAYB. enlllug at Cork
Harbor each way. From tho Whlto Star Dock,
I'nvnnla Ferrv. Jersev Cltv.
Passenger accommodations (for all classes)
liurivuueu, euitiuiuiuu
SAFETY, SPEED, AND COMFOKT.
Saloons, state-rooms, smoking-room nnd bath
rooms lu midship section, wheie least motion Is
toll.
Burgeons nnd stewardesses accompany
111,'SU bltuiuejb.
ltATFs Saloon. 880 cold. Steerage. 830curren
ry. '1 hose wlshlug to send for irlends from Iho
uni i ouniry can now ooiaiu sucrago prepaid
ccitlllcates. 30 currency.
l'assengeis boolied to or from all parts of
Ainerit-n, j-nris, jiauiuurgii, Norway, nweuen,
ilium, jiueiiimu, tiiiuu, ur,
Dralls Horn XI unwards.
For Inspection oi plans and othcrlnformatlon,
apply at the Company's Olllccs, No. IV litoadway,
New York.
Jan, l'J, IW?. J. II. Sl'AltKS, Agent,
pATE
ATENT
AHION PIANO.
Hieouly jrrerf Insliutnent In tho world. And
Is iMiiji (iiul In k lilum, Toner, Billlluuey and
Hurnblllly, bpeelal lerins toTinchcrs. Mat tut
Imiihtiit'leiiy linn, he ml lor Illustrated Arluu
' . W. FOSTEH, General Aeent.
mnrlO'Jl- IM Mauch Chink, Pa.
1-
BLOOMSBURG, PA., FRIDAY, DECEMBER 27, 18T2.
Poetical.
C0MM0Xri,ACU.
Bho tosso J tho curls from her blushing face ;
Hho softly sighed, Willi a girlish grace.
"I'm.wcnry of Ufa It's so comlnouplaco i
"Weary of music, forovtr sweet ;
Weary of roso-lenves booenlh my feili
Sick of tho days that lliemsclves repeat."
Faded tbo roses, tho music stilled;
Change lias come, as the maiden willed;
Sorrow tho pulso of her life has thrilled
Sorrow too deep to bo sighed away ;
Whoro Is'that wearlsomo yesterday,
Bright with a beauty too fair to stay 7
Into tlio sllenco that sits apart,
Keeping watch o'er tho aching heart,
Stealing a thought lllto nn Arrowy dart ;
"Through tho swift cycles of tlmo oud spneo
Ono Is tho fate that befalls tlio race
Happy lives only nro commonplace."
Miscellaneous.
Dentil KoMjciI of Its Terrors.
THE NEW DEl'AHTMENT IN THU
"MOBNINO ai.OIlY" NEWSPAl'Elt.
Mr. J. Alfred Brimmor Is tho publish
er nnd principal odltor of tho Daily
Morning Glory. Ho lias carefully ob
served that Ills subscribers always turn
first to tho "Death Notices, " nnd ho
bcllovca that by tho employment of n
verso-wrHcr.to add n fow touching lines
to each of them, ho will add greatly to
tho vnluo of his paper. Ho thoreforo
employs Mr. Remington Ott, n verso
constructor, cautioning him to do tho
thing up well to assuage grief, by
calling off tho mind from tho gloom of
thogravo. Mr. Ott, tries his hand on tho
following edition, and being satisfied
with his work, goes homo. Tho next
morning ho paces back to tho office.
But ho is astonished to sco ten thousand
persons crowded around it. IIo cannot
get in, so ho mounts a box, and peers
in through the transom up-stalrs. Mr.
Brimmer is sealed within, a crowd
around him, and Mr. Ott listens to
what takes placo :
Just then thero was a knock nt tho
door, and a woman ontorcd, crying:
"Aro you tho editor?" sho inquired
of-Brimmor.
Brimmer said ho was.
'"W-w-well," sho said, In n volco
broken by sobs, "w-what d'you mean
by publishing this kind of poetry ab
bout my Johnny 1 M-my namo is Sm-
Smith, and wh-when I looked this m-
morning for tho notice of Johnny's d
death in y-y-your paper, I saw this aw
ful, wicked, wicked v-verse:
"Four doctors tackled Johnny Smith
They blistered nnd they bled him j
With squills nnd antl-btlious pl'ls
And Ipecac they fed lilm.
They stirred him up with calomel.
And tried to movo his liver;
But all lu vain his little soul
Was wafted o'er tho river."
"It's fulsc! fitlsol that's what it is.
Johnny only had ono doctor. And they
didn't try to nvmovohis livor.and thoy
didn't bl-blced him and bl blister him.
It's a wicked falsehood, and you'ro a
hard hearted bruto f-f-for printing it!"
"Madam, I shall go crazy If you con
tinue," exclaimed Brimmer, "This is
nono of my work. It Is tlio work of a
serpont whom I warmed in my bosom,
and whom I will slay with my own-
hand as soon ns ho comes in. Madam,
thomlscrablo outcast shall tlio?"
"Strange, strange!" mused Ott.
"And this man told motocombino
olevatitig sentiment with practical in
formation. If tho information concern
ing tho squills nnd ipecac is not practi
cal, I havo misunderstood tho use of
that word. And if young Smith didn't
havo four doctors It was an outrage
IIo ought to havo had them, and they
ought to havo excited tho liver. Thus
it is," thought Oit, "that human lifo is
sacrificed to carelessness."
At tills juncturo tho sheriff onlcrcd,
his brow clothed in thunder. IIo had a
copy of tho Homing Glory In his hand.
Ho approached tho cditor,and pointing
to a death uotico said:
'Read that horrlblo mockery of my
Woo, aud tell mo tho namo of tho writer
so that I can chastiso him."
Tho editor read as follows :
Wo havo lost our HttU Hnnnnh In a very pain
ful manner.
And wo ofton nsked, "How can her harsh suf
ferings bo borno?"
When lior death was llrst reported her aunt gSt
up and saorted
With tho grief that sho supporloJ, tor It made
her feel forlorn."
'She was such n llttlo seraph, that her father,
who Is sheriff.
Kcnlly doesn't scorn to cue If ho ne'er smiles In
Ufa again.
Sho has gone, wo hope to llcnvcn, at the early
ago of soven,
(Funeral starts offal oloven,) whoro she'll never
inoro have pain,"
"As a consequence of this infamy I
withdraw nil tho county advertising
from your paper. A man who could
trlilo in this manner with tho feollngs
of n parent is a savago and scoundrel!"
As tho sheriff went out, Brimmer
placed his head upon tho tablo and
groaned.
"Really," Mr. Ott reilected, "that
person must bo deranged. I tried, In
his cose, to put myself In his placo, nud
to writo as If I was ono of tho family,
according to Instructions. Tlio verses
aro beautiful. Tho allusion to tho grief
of her nunt, particularly, seemed to mo
to bo very happy. It expresses violent
emotion with n felicitous combination
of sweetness and force Tho peoplo havo
no soul no appreciation of thobeauti
ful in art."
Whllo tho poet mused, hurried stops
wcro Heard upon tlio stairs, anu in a
moment a mlddio-aged man dashed In
abruptly, and, seizing Brlmmer'a scat-
tered hair, bumped his prostrato noau
against tho tablo threo or four times
with considerable force. Having ox
pended tho violence of his emotion In
this manner, ho held tho editor's head
down with ono hand, Blinking It occa
slonally by way of omphasls and with
tho other hand seized tho paper ana
said :
"You disgraceful old reprobate ! You
unsympathetic and disgusting vampire!
You hoary-headed old ghoul I What do
you mean by putting such stuff as this
in your vilo shoot about my deceased
boh V "What d'you moan by printing
such doggerel as this, you depraved nnd
dlssoluto inkellngor you imbccllo old
quill-driver:
"Oh I bury Bartholomew out In tho woods,
In n beautiful holo lu tho ground,
Where tho liumblo.hcol buiz nnd tho wood,
peckers sing,
And tho straddle-bugs tumblo around ;
So that In Winter when Iho snow and tho
slush
Havo covcrod his last llttlo bed,
Ills brother Artcmas can go out with Jnno
And visit tho place with his sled,"
"I'll teach you to talk about straddlo
bugsl I'll Instruct you about slush I
I'll cnllgliton your lnsano old intellect
on tho subject of singing woodpeckers I
What do you know of Jano nnd Arto
mas, you wretched buccaneer, you des
pIcabIobulcheroftlioEngllshlangungc7 Go out in thn sled ! I'llcarry yououtln
n hcarso beforo I'm dono with you, you
dcplorablo lunatic !"3
At tho end of ovcry phrase, tho vlsl
torgavotho editor's head n fresh knock
ngaln3t tho tablo. When tho cxerclso
was ended, Mr. Brimmer explained and
apologized in tho humblest manner,
promising at tho eamo tlmo to givo his
assailant a chanco to pummel Ott.
"Tho treachery of tho man," inur.
mured tho poet, "Is dreadful. Didn't
ho deslro rao to throw a glamour of poo
try overcommon-placodotalls? But for
that I should novcr havo thought of al
luding to woodpeckers nnd bugs nnd
othor children of nature Tho man ob
jects to tho remarks about tho sled.
Can't tho idiot know that it was neces
sary to havo n rhymo for 'bod ?' Can
ho supposo that I could writo poetry
without rhymes? Tho man is a lunatic!
IIo ought not to bo at largo I"
Hardly had tlio Indignant and cucr
gotlo parent of Bartholomew departed,
when a man with red hair ond a feroci
ous glare In his oyes entered carrying a
club and accompanied by a savago look
ingdog. "I want to seo tho editor," ho shout
ed. A ghastly pallor o'crspread Brim
mer's face, and ho said :
"Tho editor is not in."
"Well, when will ho bo in ?"
"Not for a weok a month a year
forovor! IIo will nover comoln any
more!" screamed Brimmer. "He lias
gono to South America, with tho inten
tion of remaining thero during tho bal
nnco of his life. Ho has departed ho
has fled. If you want to sco him you
had better follow him to tho equator.
Ho will bo glad to seo you. I would ad
vlso you, as n friend, to tako tho next
boat and start at once."
"That is unfortunate," said tho man
with tho golden locks; "I called for tho
purpose of bnttorlng him up n lot with
this club."
"Ho will bo sorry," said Brimmer,
sarcastically j "He, will regret missing
you. I will writo to him, and mention
that youdropped in."
"My namo is McFndden," said tho
man, "I camo to break tho head of tho
man who wrote that obituary poetry
about my wife. If you don't tell rao
who perpetrated tho following, I'll
break yours for you ! Whero's the man
who wroto this? Pay attention :
Mrs. McFadden has gono from this life ;
Sho has left all Its sorrows and cares ;
She caught tho rheumatism lu both other legs
Whlloscrubblog tho cellar and stairs.
They put mustard plasters upon her In vain ;
They bathed her with whiskey aud rum;
Eat Thursday her spirit departed and left
Her body outlrcly numb."
"Tho slavo who held tho lato Mrs.
McFadden up to tho scorn of nn un
sympathetic world in that shocking
manner," said tho editor, "is named
Remington Ott. Ho boards in Blank
street, fourth door from tho corner. I
would ndviso you to call on him and
avongo Mrs, McPadden's wrongs with
ajudiclous intcrmlxturoof club and dog
bites."
"And this," sighed tho poet outsldo
tho door, "is tho man who told mo to
divert McFaddou's mind from contem
plation of tho horrors of tho tomb. It
was this monster who counselled ma to
mako tho sunshiuo of McFaddcn's
smiles burst through tho tempest of Mc
Faddcn's tears. If that sore-headed
monster couldn't smllo over that allu
sion to whiskey and rum ; If those ro-
marks about tho rheumatism in her legs
couldn't divert his mind from tho hor
rors of tho tomb, was It my fault ? Mc
Fadden grovels ! Ho knows no mor0
about poetry than a speckled inulo
knows about tho Shorter Catechism."
Tho poet determined to leavo beforo
any further criticisms woro mado upon
his performances. IIo Jumped down
from his chair t nd crept softly toivard
tho bick stalrc.no. Arriving at tho
landing, ho suddenly encountered
Brimmer, who was moving in thosamo
direction. The editor has hardly tlmo
enough to utter a profano ejaculation
and to lift his hand to strike tho poot
when an old lady in a poko bDunot and
silver spectacles suddonly ouiorgod
from tho stairway and pinned tho edi
tor to tho wall with tho ferula of her
umbrella. After grinding her teeth at
him for a moinontsho floored lilm with
her weapon, nnd soatlng herself upon
his prostrato from,sho extracted a copy
of tho Morning Glory from her bag,
nnd, pointing to n certain stanza In tho
obituary column asked Ott to read It
nloud. IIo did so. It read In this fash
on :
"Llttlo Alexander's dead ;
Jam him lu his colllu;
Don't havo ns good a chanco
Forufiiu'ralolteu,
Hush his body right around
To tho cemetery ;
Drop him In tho scpulchro
With his undo Jerry."
At tlio ond of overy lino tho Indignant
conqueror punched tno lauen urim
mei's ribs with her umbrolla, and ex
claimed :
"O you wlltln I D'you hoar that, you
wretch ? What d'you moan by wrltln'
ofiny grandson In that way? Take
that, you sorplnt I O, you you wlllln
ous wiper you, tryin' to break n lono
wldder'a heart with such Bcand'lus lies
as them I Thero, you wlllln I I kem
moro tohnmincryouwell with this iioro
unibrolIer,you wicked wIllln,you owda
clous wiper you ! Tako that, aud that
you wilo, indecent, dlsgustln1 wngobon!
When you know well enough that
Aleck never had no undo Jorryinnd
novcr had no undo lu no scpulchro any
how, you wllo wretch you."
00L.
Whllo sho pounded tho editor tho poot
groped his way down slnirs, six steps nt
n time, and omorged from tho front door
with romarknblo suddonno33. Hlsjour
nnlistic carcor onded upon that day.
McFailtlcn's Mastcr-Stroltcj Or, tlio
Mod-
cm Itoail to l ortuno.
Samuel McFadden was n watchman
in a bank. IIo was poor but honest,
nnd h Is lifo was without reproach. Tho
troublo with him wns that ho was not
appreciated. His salary was only four
dollars n week, nnd when ho asked for
moro tho President, Cashier, and tho
Board of Directors glared ut him through
their spectacles and frowned on him,
nnd told him to go out nnd atop his In
solence, when ho know business was
dull nnd tho bank could not meet its
expenses now, lot nlono recklessly lav
ishing ono dollar n week moro upon
such a miscrablo worm as Samuel Mc
Fadden, nnd then Mr. Sainuol McFad
den felt much depressed nnd sad, nnd
the haughty scorn of tho President and
tho Cashier cut him to tho soul. Ho
would often go out in tho ship-yard nnd
bow his vonornblo twenty-four inch
head nnd weep gallons nnd gallons of
(cars over his tnslgniflcanco, and pray
that ho might bo mado worthy of tho
President's nnd Cashier's pollto atten
tion. Ono night n happy thought struck
him. A gleam of light burst upon his
soul, nmt gazing down tho dim vista of
years, with his oyes all blinded with tho
mist of Joyous tears.ho saw hlmsolf rich,
honored nnd respected. So Samuel
McFadden fooled around and got ajim
my, a monkey wrench nnd a cross-cut
saw, and a cold chisel, nnd a drill, nnd
about half a ton of gun powder, and
sorao nltro-glycerino, and nil thoao
things. Thon, in thodead of tho night,
ho wont to tho flre-proof safe, and aftor
working at it n whilo burst tho door
and brick and brick-work into immor
tal smash with such perfect success that
thero was not enough or that safo left to
mako a carpet tack. Mr. McFadden
then proceeded to load up with coupons
and greenbacks and currency and specio,
and to nail all tho odd change that was
laying around any whero, so that ho
pranced out of tho bank with ono mil
lion dollars on him. Ho thcn.rctired to
an unassuming resldenco out of town,
and sent word to tho detectives whero
ho was. It was nil seronoand boautiful
for Samuel McFaddon now. IIo felt
that ho was all right at last, and that tho
dark nlghtof sorrow had passed and tho
bright rays of tho sun of prosperity at
last illuminated his path. A detective
called on him thenextday with asooth
Ing noto from tho Cashier. McFadden
treated it with lofty scorn. Detectives
called upon him overy day with humblo
notes from tho President and the Cash
ier and tho Board of Directors and
Clerks and Stockholders.
At last tho bank officers got up n mag-
iflccnt and prlvato supper, to which
Mr. McFaddon was invited. Ho camo,
nd, as tho bank officers bowed down
tho dust beforo him, ho pondered
over tho bitter, bitter past, and his soul
Wris filled with exultation. Beforo ho
rovo away in his carrlngo that night,
it was nil fixed that Mr. McFadden was
keep half n million of that money
and go unmolested, if ho returned the
other half. IIo fulfilled his contract liko
an honest man, but refused with
haughty disdain tho offer of tho Cashier
marry his (McFaddcn's) daughter.
Mac Is now honored and respected. IIo
browses in purple nnd flno linen and
other good clothes, nnd enjoys himself
flrst-ratc. And often now he takes his
infant sou upon his kneo nnd tells him
of his early llfe,and Instills precepts Into
tho child's mind, and shows him how,
by industry and persoveranco, nnd
frugality nnd nitro glycerine, and mon
key wrenches and enterpriso.and cross
cut saws and familiarity with tho
detcclivo system, oven tho poorest may
rlso to alllucuco nud respectability in
this freo country.
Poiir runny rabies.
A cat waking out of a sound sleep,
saw amouso sitting just out or reacn,
observing her. Perceiving that at tho
slightest movement of hers, tho raouso
would recollect an engagement, sho put
on a look of extreme amiability and
said :
"Oh! it'syou, Is it? Doyouknowl
tho't at first, you were a friendly great
rat : and I am so afraid of rats ! I feol so
much relieved you don't know. Of
coursoyou havo heard that I am n great
friend to tho dear llttlo mice"
'Yes," was thoanswer,"! havoheard
that you lovo us Indifferently woll, and
my mission hero was to bless you whllo
ou slept. But as you will wish to go
and get your breakfast I won't boro you
Flno morning isn't it. Au rct'oirl"
This fablo teaches that it is usually
safo to avoid ono who protends to bo a
friend without having any roason to be,
It wasn't safo in this In3tanco, however;
for tho cat wont after that departing
rodcut, and got nway with him.
II
A hippopotamus, meeting nu open
alligator said to him :
"My forked friend, you may ns woll
collapse You nro not sufficiently com
prohonsivo to crabraco me I am mysolf
no tyro nt smiling, when in tho hir
mor."
"I really had no expectation of taking
you In," replied tho other. "I havo a
habit of extending my hospitality Im
partially to all, nnd about savon foot
wide"
"You remind me,"tiald tho hlppopot
nmu3,"ofti certain zebra, who was not
vicious at all ; ho merely kicked tho
breath out of everything that passed
behind him, but did not seek toinduco
tilings to pass behind lilm."
"Ills qulto Immaterial what I remind
you of," was U13 reply.
Tho lesson imparted by this fablo isa
vory beautiful ono.
Ill
A sheep maklugn lougjournoy found
tho heat of his llccco very uncoinrorta
bio, and seeing a flock of sheop In a fold
ovidontly wultingfor uoino ono, leaped
over nnd Joined them In tho hopo ofbo
DEM. - VOL. XXXVI NO. 45.
Ing shorn. Pcrcoivlng tho shephord
approaching and tho other sheep hud
dling into a rcinoto cornor of tho fold,
ho shouldered his way forward, and go
ing up to tho shophord, said :
"Did you over seo such n lot of foils ?
It's lucky I camo nlong to sot thorn an
oxntnplo of docility. Scolng mo opera
ted upon, they'll bo glad to offer them
selves." "Perhaps bo, replied tho shophord,
laying hold of tho animal's horns ; "but
I novor kill moro than ono sheep nt a
tlmo. Mutton won't keep in hot weath
er." Tho chops tasted romarknbly well
with tomnto sauco.
Tho moral of this fablo Isn't whnt you
think it is. It is this; tlio chops of anoth
er man's mutton nro nlwnys nice.
Two travolors between Teheran nnd
Bagdad mot half way up tho vortical
face of a rock, on a path only n cubit In
width, and wcro unnblo to pass. After
sorao reflection thoy both decided to
Jump around tho other; but asotlquotto
did not warrant conversation with a
strangcr.nolthcrmado known his inten
tion. Tlio consequonco wns that thoy
both mot, with considerable omphasls,
bout four foot from tho odgo of tho
path, and went through n flight of soar
ing eagles, n mllo out of thoir way.
ThIs is Infamous I Tho learned
Parseo appears to wholly Ignore the dis
tinction between a fablo and a siraplo
lie
A Bold and Ingenious Sailor.
Tho bark Mandusa, which recently
arrived at Now naven from England,
had among her crow a man named John
Trotts, of Malno, who had shipped in
England for tho round trip, but had
becomo 'dissatisfied with his ship and
deserted on arrival. Tho captain had
him locked up and arrested, and ho was
carried on board tho bark handcuffed.
Ho mado his escape again, howovor,
somo confederate having apparently
cut his bracelets for him. Trotts, in
getting ashore, disguised himself, but
tho policeman who arrested him in tho
first instance recognized his gait, and
tapped himon Iho shoulder. Tho re
moval of a muffler confirmed his sus
picion, and Trotts stood revealed before
him. Tho fugitivo was conducted to
tho lock-up, and the officers determined
that ho should not get away again,
but Trotts wns equal to tho emer
gency. Shortly after midnight tholleutenant
and doorman heard n noiso liko tne
slamming of a doof imitlo tho lockup;
they at onco looked in and saw Trotts
sitting demurely on a bench, and
everything serene" Finding things
tranquil, tho officers mado no further
examination into thocauso of tho noise
About two o'clock in tho morning tho
acting lieutenant went into tho City
Court room and lighted tho gas, that ho
might seo to look over some files of
cases before tho Court. By means of
tho light ho discovered that tho radia
tor near tho prisoner's dock was forced
out, and that tho ventilator behind it
lay on tho floor. An examination
showed that a ventilator opening into
tho prison had been pullod out, and
that Trotts had Inserted his body Into
tho aperture anu forced out tho ventila
tor found on tho floor. Onco inside tho
Court room his escape was easy and ho
mado it good.
A Bear Story. Tho San Francisco
Bulletin relates tho following adven-
turo which befel an Indian herdsman
in tho lower part of that State Tho
man had been sent to a distant ranch
to look after a herd of fheep, nnd at
nightfall got under n shed with a roof
of branches, but open on alt sides, and
lay down In his blankets. After a few
hours' sleep ho was awakened by feel
ing tho hot breath of somo animal on
his face. Ho moved his arms, and at
onco understood tho situation a hugo
bear was snuffing him. Tho man.wlth
great prosonco of mind, determined to
keop perfectly still, for he know if ho
moved or cried out ono blow of those
hugo paws would break his skull like a
walnut. Bruin scratched off tho Blan
kets and seized tho Indian by tho leg.
Though suffering terribly, tho bravo
fellow did not allow a groan or cry to
escapo him. Tho bear dragged him
from tho hut for sorao dlstanco and
thon commenced to dig a holo to lay
tho Indian in and cover him up from
tho coyotes. After tho grave had been
dug deep enough tho bear (contenting
hlmsolf with nbout a pound of flesh
from tho victim's thigh) moved tho
body to tho holo and covered It up.
Tho Indian managed to keep tho earth
over hU face loose enough to allow him
to breatho, and when tho bear retlrod,
ho crawled out towards tho mustang,
which was plckoted some yards out
sldo tho hut. With groat difficulty ho
mounted, nnd then rodo towards tho
ranch house A doctor was sont for,
and pronounced the wounds, though
sovero and painful, not likely to provo
fatal. Tho next day a hunt wh organ
ized, and tho grizzly was killed In tho
neighborhood of tho spot whero ho had
stowed away hla Intended meal.
A Candib Judqe. Judgo Strong was
formerly well.it was somo years ogo
given to Imbibing moro than was es
sentlnl to tho equilibrium of his montal
and physical powers. But ho was ono
of tho politest men in tho world, and
novcr moro so than when u llttlo too
docp In liquor. With his neighbor,
Mr. Bates, a political opponont, ho had
many a sharp conflict; but ouo day
when qulto mollow, it suddonly struck
him that ho ought to "mako up friends
with Bates ; and Stopping up to him in
tho streot, ho said :
"I Eity lmtes, you anu 1 nnvo saw i
great many hard things nbout ono an
othor, and I am getting old, and feol as
If I ought to mako an apology for all
that Ilhavosald, ami havo It sottlod
up."
"Oh, nover mind," said Mr. Bates
"let It pass , and if you keep quiot hero
after. I'll bo sat silod."
"No, no," said tlio Judgo ; "I owi
you an apology, for I havo called you
rogue, a thief, and a liar."
"Well, uover mind."
"Yes, but I do mind. I say I havo
called you a thief, nud a liar, and
scoundrel and and I'll b.e hanged if
1 don't think so still I"
Ono lneb. (twelve Unci or Its equivalent In
Nonpareil typelono or two Insertions, 11.40 tores
Insertions,
, SAW
BPACE.
lM, ZU. 8K. 8
lr.
One Inch... -UM U.M f 1.00
Two 1UCU.....-.... S.W 5 00 7.00
Throo Inches. ,") 7.1)0 B,00
(H.O0 (10,00
,00 15.CO
J2,w moo
17,00 21,00
ai.io ae,ri
ao.oo no.oo
0,00 100,00
Four Inches. ,.-., ,' h.""
(inartereolnran...... I0,(l IS.0U Un
Half eolumn..........H.oo 1MW so.0?
One column..
JB0.00 M.O0 40,00
Executor's or Adinlnlstrator'n Notice, 13,00
Auditor's or Assignee's Notice, 12,10,
Local notices, twenty cents n line.
Cards In tho "Unslncss Diroctory" eolnmn.
J2,r) per year for tho first two lines, ami II OOfor
each additional line.
Humorous.
A wostcrn paper says "Franco Is a
tinder-box and Prcsidont Thiers n sit
ting on tho safety valve"
Concrossman Snann. of Illinois, op
poses Civil Horvlco Rororm, whereupon
a cotomnorary declares It to bo "a snao
Judgment, not worth a snap."
A young man hunting turkoys nt
Kalamazoo. Mich., thought ho saw ono
in tho grass, but n coroner's Jury decid
ed that it was tho hoad of tho firmer
who owned tho promises, and was tak
ing a nap.
An Irishman meeting another asked
him what had becomo of a mutual
friend. "Arrah, now, my dear honey,"
answorodho, "Paddy was condemned
to bo hangod, but ho saved his lifo by
dying in prison."
A soldior tollinghls mother of tho tor
rlblo firing of Cblckamnuga, was nsked
by her why ho did not get behind u
treo ? "Troo I said ho : "thero wasn't
enough for tho officors."
A darkoy left in chargo of a telegraph
offico whllo tho operator wont to din
ner, heard somo ono "call" over tho
wires; and began shouting, "Do opera
tor Isn't hero." Tho nolso ceased.
"I wonder what's tho reason," Bold a
wlfo to her husband, 'that tho turkey I
ato for dinner does not sot woll on my
stomach?" "Probably, replied tho
aggravating man, "bscatiso It wasn't a
hen turkey."
Whero tiro you going ?" crleel a
Scotch gentleman to a thief whom ho
observed crawling through a holo In
tho hedgo into his garden.
"Bjck again," replied Sawney, as ho
hastily retreated from his discovered
accsss to tho tempting fruit.
Theodore nook onco dined with n
Mr. Hatchet. "Ah, my dear follow,'
said he, deprecatlngly, "I am sorry to
say that you will not get to-day such a
dinner as our friend Tom Moore gavo
us." "Cortalnly not," replied Hook,
"from a Hatchet wo can get nothing
but a chop."
In Arkansas a man was sentenced to
bo hanged, but all tho carpenters in tho
neighborhood refused to build tho scaf
fold. A3 tho condemned man was
hlmsolf a carpontor by trade, tho sher
iff tried to induco him to nut un tho
gallows, but ho steadfastly declared ho'd
uo nangcu n neciiu.
An absent-minded man entered a
Cincinnati shoo store tho other day,
and wanted his boy mcasurod for apalr
of shoes. "But whoro's tho boy?" sn
tno uuaior. -xnunuer i" saiu ino man,
I've loft the boy at homo. I'll go and
bring him," and off ho started for his
houso, six blocks away.
A man recently broko off a marriage
because tho lady did not poshes good
conversational powers, a friend told
him ho should havo married her, and
then refused her a now bonnot, to havo
doveloped her power to talk.
A minister onco told Wendell Phlll
lips that if his business In lifo w.w to
savo tho negroes, ho ought to go S mth
were they wore and do It. "Tnat is
worth thinking or," replied Philllp-i,
"and what is your business in life?"
"To save men from hell," replied the
minister. "Thon go thera and attend
to your business," rejoined Mr. Phil
Hps. A gentleman handed up a ton dollar
blllinono.of tho Ucd Lino coaclie-,
from which ono fare, flvo cents, win to
bo taken. "Look a'here," mid the
driver, down through tho holo, "which
of theso horses do you want to luiv
with this ten dollar bill?" "Well,"
coolly replied tho gentleman, "I
thought I might got both for Unit."
Two neighbors living in "Westchester
county hnd a long and envenomed liti
gation about a small spring, which they
both claimed. Tho Judgo, wearied out
with the case, at last said : "What H
tho uso of you making so much fus-i
about a llttlo water ?" "Your Honor
will seo tho uso of it." replied out) nf
tho lawyers, "when I inform you tlml
tho parties aro both milkmen !"
A fireman's bill lately took plnen In
Edston.Pa., and to tho nnnounccmi'nt,
tho following "notice" was appendi'd :
"How is this for high ? A nico tiling
for tho toys, liiveiy time-) in prospect.
A chanco for somo good fun. Everv-
doily will bo thero, and all will go iiinr
rv as a marrlago-bell. Mirth, lolity
and good fellowship. Put on your
dnncliig-pumps. and be in nt tho death,"
eic Trio death of a prominent eitlzon
apposed in thosamo paper, nnd by a
miaiHKu tno "noiico-' appoareei uikiit
It. Tho editor's widow has offered lint
offico for salo.
Thero must bosomothing dono to mo
vent those horrlblo mistakes of dru;-
ist's clerks. Ono or tlio careless follows
atciy gavo a young man in Louisvlllo
bottle ormucnago msieau or coiogni'.
The youth went to church, aud after
applying tho contents of the b'lttlo
Ireciy lo ins imniiKcrciuui unit applying
tho handkerchief freely to hU noau, hu
was in no condition roruevout worship.
This thing is getting to bo alarming.
Tho TItusvillo Press cnronlcles tho
following event with modest prldo :
'TItusvillo was not tno Dirthplnco or
'tho Father ofhls country.' but wo have
a man residing hero who slipped up on
a iuutiuy crossing, tins ioreuoon, anu
sat down on a roll of butter which ho
was carrying homo, and instead of
swearing, ho simply aroso, scraped tho
butter from his pants into tho paper
again, and went on again as if nothing
nau nappeneu."
A Connecticut man tho other dty
thought to put his philosophy to tho
practical tost by slightly burning tho
flngres ofhls two young childron in or
der that he might loavo thorn alone in
a room with a hot stove. Ills wlfo, who
doesn't go much on silence, cought hlni
at it, anu wont lor tno pnuoBopncr. hu
ting him down on tho stovo and hold
ing him thero until ho roared for
mercy.
It is reported that a man in Cincin
nati fell from tho top of a four-story
building tho othor diy to tho stono
sidewalk bcncatli without being injured
in tho least. Uo was a llio insurance
agent and struck on his choek. At the
limooi ins inn uo was leaning on inn
edgo of tho roof, shoving his papers at a
painter wnom no nau treeu on
a swinging scaffold underneath.
On tho trial of a horso caso in Sico.
Maine, recently, ono of tho parties, who
was aiso a witness, uraco uy namo, ,noi
being so clear in his testimony as thn
uugo inougnt uosirauio, was asKcu uy
ilm to describe the animal moro min
utely. "Why, Judge, all you Saco fol-
lora Know mat air ai uoureids uscu
to drlvo," was tho "minuto," clear and
ready roply, in apatronlzou tone. The
"Saco feller" on tho bench smiled qui
etly ; tho rest smiled audibly, till the
Shoriff called "Order in tho court 1"
When tho fire was swooping throna
Pearl street, In Boston, ono of tho laru
shoo dealers, scolng that his stock could
not bo saved, invltod the by
standors to help themselves. A polico
mon. who appeared on tho spot, ot d
vlsed of tho invitation, Indigninlly ob
served an individual pulling boots, pair
after pair, from an opon case W-for
him. "Villain I" ho thundered, wht
aro you about Y" "Trying 10 nnu a
pair of eights," was tho mild ro-sponso.