VOL. I.-NO. 7.
THE COLUMBIAN,
A Democratic Nowspapov,
is rcnLnnnt) ron the rnorittr.Ton.s ny
BROOXWAY & PHBEZ13,
EVERY mil) AY MOUNINH AT
niaomilitire, Columbia Count)-, Pa,
TnEiit!nc!ilpofthlipftpernrooftlio Jefferson.
Ian Bcliool of politics. TUoti principles will never
bo compromise, yet courtesy nml klndess slintl
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Individuals, or with contemporaries of tho Tress.
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try Is our nlm nnd objinti nnd ns tho menus to
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unocKW'.vv a runnzn,
"CuiumUau Offlet,"
BLOOMSBCHO, Pa.
PrlntsJ at Hoblson's nulldlngs, near the court
nunsc.by Chai. M, Vanufiwuce,
Frank H. Hnvseii,
EX.ffiMTA COUNTY. PA.
Tl.n im.lortlinKvt linvill2 llUrcllIIMll tills) Well'
knows nnd ccntrnlly-locntoj Iioum', tlio r.xrtmnso
Hotel, situate eti MAIN bTltlXT, In Illnoiiikljiire,
Jiiinwl lately opponlto the Columbln County Court
House, resiifcifully informs lit" friend nnd tho
public lu B'Miernl Unit liU house is now In order
for tho reception und entertainment travellers
M,lin rnnv tie dlMKMCd to favor It wills their cus
tom. ll9lis'irednoexiwnsoluiirerailiiB th"
Exchange for tlio entertiiin.'ient of lilb uuikts,
nniiioi- nnil tliero bo nnvtliliiL' wnntlui! (on his
niM minuter to their ticisounl eomtort. Ills
hows I spacious, nud enjoyu nn excellent Imsl
nelo"itIoH.
Outltiu ses run nt Ml times between tue i-v
i TLtel nndthovnrlo' , railroad depots. l;y
YtiUKU irU.KUVl "It, .--- -
..I... . .it.... ...m ...1 t.i..,nni v rnnvpvi. i i'j
. .. .... .... .inii.m. I.i.liui tlm.i In
..T" . "' Vmiv r-vHiow
POETRY.
DOGMATIC.
We hear thnt a l.m i.....
Klale LcKlsIntim- nrnnwliiir to
resented to our
i eSi"? '""''T """,lm "''"' lliict.v to",,.
bJX if !.h W,,,.fcu,tl,r,'p,"!,nt Iheeanlnes should
in,,, ! '. i' " Hut, surely, our Solon are fet
Unit Intuit hud way. when It ism mir,.i n,r,i
uoiis. as 111
i-oln- ti lli ,t.,,;: ;V "J',., .V
be taxed, nuy wrimt ...s'peit tii.it eats win inon 1
a, ,;eou!!:S,uI!f;S:..l'a':f:,!r?i,'V
rS
umm mbct as the Spiiiilniil my. Meanwhile.
let usspe.ikn pM.lw.ml r.,r the dug', wlu are r"' I
taSuion wdi'ffi eiilVaan cntTa'uS.
tallnu'tit In tills m,o m-nii inir. timt, iim ahh.i
of tho ! woKlMi-mtlolilur. li will h liemli. uot
iun, uiiii will uu "excised!"
jmoyenrsuKo, when a ilnu tnx wan pronosod
In tlm U'KUIiuuie rjfn nplRhhorlnn Htnto. ampin
ber wlmnj ish tho hlllaiKl hUfcoitletl In ilot.-it.
hiif It. i'iibliitlnfli'rr l.ft of 'il.wm.nd'' mi th.
fiiilijctt, which wo mnicx conimyiulliia H, nioit
ii-rtit i.-iiu.i , iu iuu muiuuuis 01 our own liPaisJa
tuiu: TO MY HOC! JOVI,i;it,
Jowlcr, they've tnxrd you, ljoncst fricml;
AswHiCil yon, put you In the roll;
To exile every iIor theyM fceml,
Unless some friend will pay hN poll.
By nil thatN pood, tho rnrrIt meant
ltetwlxt two to breed n strife,
And drleyou into linuUhment,
Or bribe your filend to take your life.
But, Jowler, don't you be nlnrmcU 1
If politician do neglect yoti,
Confound their tux I ou shan't be harmed,
I know your worth, and Til protect you!
But tnxe, by the Cors'ttutlon,
Convey the rlsht to icpresent j
Po dogs, by this smne resolution,
Might Just'na well us nun te sr nt,
N'ow, inz nnd men, and voters henr,
That Jow lerV put In nomination
To ko, upon the eutning year,
And itld In public legislation.
Jowler, beware of demagogue,
Keep clear of the minority;
Take care to smetl of othf r dogi,
And voto with the majority!
BJtyARH'.iTLJi.M";yti."'y
MISCELLANEOUS.
HOW I LOST MY WHISKERS.
CIIAl'TKIt 1.
" Bo you object to smoking, sir?"
Thi? I asked in my blandest manner
of an old gentleman, who Mtt with Iili
face Iiidden liy a now.-papcr, oppo-ito to
mo in a railway carriage.
All tho t-eats In the carriage, were
filled; land four others were on our
way from tambndgo to enjoy the
Christmas vacation. Our tpirits were
high, for there is a d"light in banMiing
for a time all thought of uonio section,
Newton's " I'rineipia," and little-go,
and entertaining in exchange, vision of
"hops," skating parties, and all tho
orgies whicii every rigiit-minded family
hold at this tca'on in liouor of King
Clirifttmas.
Iiut 1 must introduce you to my
chums, for chums we were, although
our ttiitos did not lio in the .stme direc
tion. Jack Stirrup is (or rather was at
that period) a riding and hunting man,
and. was frequently to lie seen at
Xewmarket! Stretcher, cn the other
hand, loved boating, and preferred the
sight of a well developed biceps to that
of the best bred hunter, and would oft
en remark to Jack "Jlow on earth you
can say you would rather sou tho 'Two
thousand' than tho 'Time-rive' in tho
'Cohiuhoun Skulls,' I cannot for tho life
of me make out." IMwards was a poor
and reading man, but wlio;e wit and
talents rendered him a universal favor
ite; whiNt D.ivlos win a rlili, open
handed, good hearted fellow as ever
lived. Tor my own part, I do not think
1 had any well defined peculiarity, but
did a little of everything. 1 read a lit
tle, rowed a little, hunted a little, had a
fair income in. short, if I had any char
acteristic at all, it wai a love of huinc-s
and practical Jokes.
Wo congratulated our-el ves in getting
n r ,,.inlvf. (vvitl, the evciMi.
Hon of tho old gentleman I havo named)
for wo intended to keep out the cold,
and beguile our Journey with sundry
pipes and cigars. Wo had our cases out
and wero piop.iring to light tip, as a
matter of course, when wo wero aston
ished by my vh-u-vis dashing away the
newspaper which had hidden his fnc
" Do I oh cct to smoking? Yes, sir, 1
do object very strongly, sir! and I beg
that you will instantly replace your ci
gars in your pocket. 1 insist on having
no smoking in tills carriage."
AVe looked aghast at this sudden burst
of olil-gentlcmnti!y wrath.
" Might I ask if you Intend traveling
far on this line sir?" Inquired Edwards,
in his comically polite tone.
"What is Unit to you, sir? What
business is it of yours wliero i am going
to?" . .
" I merely wished to suggest, in ca'-e
of your traveling far, that, pleasingaml
delightful as It would bo for us to enjoy
your ngreeablo society, yet, neverthe
less; wo would try to bear tho loss,
should you prefer to change carriages at
tho next station."
" Xo doubt you would wish to get rid
of mo; but no, sir! I d' not move my
seat, und tho llrst ono that smokes I re
port to tlio guard."
" In that case. 1 lear wo snati uu
obliged, painful though it be, to tear
ourselves away," I said, ns wo tnew up
at a small station.
Fortunately wo found tho next com
partment empty, and as wo started
again wo pulled out our cigarettes, this
tlmu to litrlit their contents.
" Tho old boy has certainly got out of
bed tho wrong vide this morning," said
I, pulling away.
"Or has mado a mlstuko in his bet
ting bouk," remarked my sporting
friend. "Wo'll give him n benefit now,
at any rato ; i voto wo 'take It in turns
to nulVsmoko through tlio lamp hole,
WW , , ' "".V ,
Let's look at mm : imi eooicu (town
.
nun., is iiiiulil iuiii nuu ...... - - - -
.. . itii, 1. Irt i.rtii r,ii- hid lii.rhtlMlll!
""-"-i" '
BLOOMSBUHG,
I did so, nnd roared on seeing a red, 1 shall do j you're rather n swell nt draw
woven cap of conical shape, which ad- ( lug, aren't yon ? I'll Just bum tho end
ded very considerably to tho Iraiclty of. of that beer bottlo cork, and you shall
tho wearer's features.
Willi n perseverance which deserved
a better cause, we each mado a paper
tithe, nnd mitttiirr the mill tlimmrli ll.n I
.
miii Hole, took our turn at "smoking
"t i" nnd I blush as 1 now think
heartily wo enjoyed tho enraged
. ,i i . . .1 1 1 1 , , , I
stlll 1,1 which ho paced up and down
" -'"'lty carriage, like a caged tiger.
The next time we stopped, however,
tho guard put his head into our carriage
window, and said with a wink:
"Ocntl'inln next compartment com
plains of your smoking sir."
"Smoking!" wo exclaimed, with
mock indignation. "Do wo look as
though we'd been smoking V What
nonsense'.'" and added In a mysterious
manner, "You see tliete's one vacant
seat ; of course wo'ro not going to tell
tales of tho man who occupied that."
" All rigid 1" said thoguard.hiughiiig,
" I wtwi't born yesterday." And after
a slightly confidential transaction of a
pecuniary nature, left us in peace.
Tho snow, wliieh hat! been falling
heavily all day, now lay thick all
around. Our eyes ached again, as wo
looked out of the window (which was
itself all frosted over,) on to the daz
zling snow which covered all tho land
scape; ami as wo stamped our foot on
tho floor of tho carriage, wo began
heartily to wi.-lt ourselves at our jour
ney's end, and by the filoside.
"Halloo! what arc wo stopping for
now'.' 1 wonder whetlicr we've going to
do an upset, or anything exciting of
that kind, said D.tvies, looking oat of
tlio window. "1 don't see a train any
where that wo can liavo a friendly col
lision with."
'Got out here, gentlemen," said the
guard, passing the window; "tho line
rs snoweil up, and we shall have to wait
tillit is clear."
Tho grumbling which this pleasant
announcement caused was immediately
stopped by our hearing tho voice of our
disagreeable companion In tho next
compartment.
"Uno snowed up, is it?" said that
gentleman, trying to appear calm in his
fury, amf wo get out here? Alt! audi
do you s-uppo-o I am ipiictly going to
submit tjtliis? Tlio lino ought toliavo
been cleared ready for us. 1 shall bring
an action."
"Hut Eir, how on earth could they
"Jllght I request to know who spoke
to you, sir? I consider your remark and
interference excessive impertinence."
This was a little ton bad, and I turned
to Jack and whispered that wo would
devise some plan of giving our friend a
lesson dcnion-trativo of tlio evils at
tending bad temper at Christmas time.
Wo were fortunately sto.iped at a dis
tance of only two bundled yards from
a station ; but a very poor station it was
without any waiting-room or lefresh
inent rooms.
The station-master, who was a pleas
ant sort of fellow, said wo should havo
to wait but a couple of hours, and gave
us a room, where we made the be-t of a
bad Job, and having sent for some beer
from tlio nearest "public," became, as
Kdwards mathematically ob-orvod,
approximately happy. Tho old gen
tleman, however, had not yet vented
all his wrath, but kept on anathemati
zing tho snow and tho railroad people
at intervals. After wo had wanned
ourselves, Stretcher proposed that we
should have some songs; but ns no one
, I T 41. ..... .1.... .1.1
voiuuieeieu, i su.-stwu ...,.i iu m
! 6t on our way s ,....or It wo all went
out and helped to clear away tlio snow
from the line. To this all agreed (with
the exception of our amiable friend, of
course.)
We had worked very merrily for
about an hour and wero congratulating
our-chus on being able to start again,
when Jack came running upagain witli
a very pleased expression of counte
nance, nnd iw he tapped me on tho -boulder,
I icmembored that lie had not been
with us for the last half hour.
"Fred," he said, "I've nn Idea."
"Keep It then," I replied, "for it Is
so rare u commodity with you, that I
would not deprive you of it for tlio
world."
Don't chaff nnd I'll tell you all about
it. I went up into tho room at the sta
tion just now, nnd found our friend, tho
old boy, fast asleep lit his ehnlr, com
pletely collapsed under tho soparldie ef
fects of tlio lire, nnd a glass of brandy
and water. I immediately ran Into tlio
village and bought these, ho said, show
ing mo a gimlet, and ascrcw-drlver.
"What in tho namo of everything ri
diculous do you want theso for?" I
asked.
"Don't you see? wo shall bo able to
start again directly, now that the Uno is
clear : wo meanwhile run up stairs, and
screw tho old gentleman firmly Into Uie
room tho train goes m wo nro re
venged for his surly behavior to us, and
ho will then learn that 'old gentlemen
should not bo ill tempcod at Christmas
time.' "
"Capital !" I said, always ready to fall
In with a practical Joke, "lot usboolf at
once,"
Wo certainly found tho old gentleman
in as Mornheau u torpor its wo could
wish, ills feet wero propped up in a
chair, whilst bis boots wero drying, nnd
ho was breathing witli Ids mouth wldo
oticn. In rather an apoplectic manner
"Shall I put a snuw Dan into cacu oi
his bocts?" I said
"No I that would bo too much of
'. mint?, but I'll tell you what you
PA., FKIDAY, FEBRUARY 15, 1867.
artistically adorn hi face."
"That Is splendid," ho whispered, as
I finished oil with Riving him a mous
l.i..l., t,ll. .,,! .... I.. c,,.n,... .
...... .M ,,,,.., tt mu-uuin
manner. "Just move that looking glass,
and nut it so that ho may tidnilro liim-
self directly after ho wakes j and now
let us lie oif."
AVo walked on tiptoe tothedoor. Tho
hinges began to creak , and cold as tho
weather was, a faint perspiration began
to develop itself on my forehead, as
noticed the old gentleman to niovo in
ids chair. It was, however, only to turn
his head to the other shoulder, and wo
closed tho door in safety.
"Cilvo me the screws, rpiiek," I said,
"and go to tlio bottom of tho stairs and
prevent any ono from coming up."
I bored hole after hole ns noiselessly
ns 1 could, and having made the dooms
fast as eight good screws would make it
I ran down stairs and whispered "All
right !"
"Is there a gentleman up stairs, sir?"
said tlio station master, walking toward
us. "lie asked mo to wake him in timo
for tlio train, and It isjtist ready to go."
"Oh! lie won't like to bo disturbed
until tho last moment, you may bo
sure," said Jack. "By-the-bye, I wish
to talk to you of a plan, by which your
station might bo much improved."
Now architecture happened to bo ono
of the station master's hobble-, and titev
w ere soon deep in discussion. I beat a
hasty retreat to tho guard, and produ
cing a sovereign, said :
"If you get us oil' live minutes from
now, waiting for no one, and ring your
bell at tho very last minute, this Is
yours,"
"All right, sir! tho luggage is all in,
nnd most of the passengers. Take your
seat going on!" ho shout 'd, whilst I
stood with my watch in hand.
"One mintito left! King tho bell
now!" I said. "If they undo those
screws in one, or oven live minutes, I'll
eat them."
Wojumped into a carriage, the guard
gave tho tlii.il whi-tle, and tlio train
moved slowly on. 'Weanxlou-ly watched
the result of our plot, Willi our heads
out of window. Alter waiting one or
two minutes, wo noticed a figure gestic
ttlating at the station window. Tlio
train then passed into a deep cutting,
and wo lost sight of it.
CHAPTER II,
I think that I have forgotten to Fay
that i was going to spend tho Christmas
with a college iViend. He had gone
, n , i r iti
down a few days before, and had prom-
iseti to meet me at C tntion.
You may Imagine that I was not sorry I
to Und myself arrived there, nor yet to
see my friend Tom stamping his feet on
tho platform, no doubt thoroughly tired
of waiting for tiiu train. As lie drove
me up, ho began talking of tliediR'erent
arrangements ho had made for our mu
tual amusement. "To-morrow," lie
said, "I've set asldo for a skating party ;
I havo had tho jio id of tlio park swept,
and invited all 'les jeunes demoiselles'
within reach, and as they have accepted
it will give you a fair idea of our 'na
tive' beauty."
"Xmv, of nll jolly things lu tho world
I think a skating party is tlio jolliost.
Tom says that 1 am fond of showing my
skating oh'; but I deny that this has
any thing to do with it. In the first
place, thu frosty wcatheriundtliemulled
claret) induce higli spirits; then there
are tlio tumbles to laugh at, and the la
dies' skates to strap on (which last, in
my own mind, Is not the least pleasant
part of tho entertainment.)
Wo had by this, timo reached the
house, and, after bavin,' accomplished
our toilettes, Tom took mo into tho
drawing-room.
"The gtfv'nor Isn't at home; but let
mo introduce you to my sister Minnie."
Miss Minnie rose, and held out her
hand at once, but for my own part, 1
was too dumb-founded to utter a single
word. I am told that I am far from el
oquent when describing fcinalo beauty,
so I will notnttcmptit hero; but 1 must
say that I had never, nnd havo never
since, seen such a pretty face. When
dinner was announced, however, I had
recovered my equanimity siilUciently to
offer her my arm, and after a short time
we got to know one another thoroughly.
The dinner (perhaps it may havo been
tho port wine) had opened my heart,
and we removed to Tom's sanctum to
smoke (whore, by-tho-by, Miss Minnie
insisted on Joining us, saying that she
liked the smell of tobacco, and found it
so dull by herself, I I began to relate my
adventure with the old gentleman. '
Peal after peal of laughter nroso ns I
proceeded with my narrative. I warmed
with my subject, quite outdoing myself
In tho description of tito gentleman's
angry face and his Irrate behavior.
"Here," 1 said in triumph, "Is my
trophy P'.nnd I holdout tho nightcap.
Aovcr sliall i lorget mat moment
brother and sister stared at It for ono
second, and then Tom, looking vacant
ly nt me, Immediately went into an
hysterical lit of laughter. His faeu be
gan to grow qnito black, and tho tears
rolled down his cheeks.
My face presented nnything but
laughing nppearance, f ir I was struc!
witli amazement at this behavior. At
last, wlthwdiat littlo breath ho had left,
ho managed to get out tho words :
"It's tho guv nor's-nlght cap!"
Ai li. II. lu tin iw.lntnil to n slllllll
or nbel ns ( 0 t 10 cap, widen 1 nail not no-
Uimi.i imn.m niwi tliern mm ciioti'di.
wero tho words
U T O ? Miu.rrno.'.r, Esq .
oh! nmnhUihorp. Hall,
label insldo tho can, which I hail not no
Header, havo you ever wished tlio
earth to open and swallow you up? How
heartily did 1 wish it at that moment. I
paw tho whole nir.tlr nt a glaneo; I had
been playing a practical Joke upon the
gentleman in whoso house I was sitting,
and had been describing liitn in themost
ridiculous light to his daughter, llow
I hated Tom for laughing (ids sister was
nearly as bad, by tho way,) whilst I sat
turning alternately red nnd pale, con
sidering what on earth was to bo done.
At this moment a servant entered tlio
room.
"A telegram for JHssGrumblethorp."
She hastily looked over it, and then
read aloud to us :
"Shall como by the 8:30 to-morrow
morning. Somoynung jackanapes have
played a practical Joke, and caused mo
to miss tho last train to-night." "
At last I found words, "Tom," I
said, "I must fly. Jliss Grumblothorp,
I cannot sufficiently apologise to you
for "
"Oh! you need not apologize to me,
nor must you go either. Tom, you must
doviso Romoescapeout of thodilemma."
"It would certainly never do for tho
governor to recognize you ; ho'd never
forgive you, and would cut mo oil' witlt
a shilling. Oh! I have it; I sentence
you, in punishment, to cut off thoso
whiskers nnd moustache he'll never
know you then."
"Xever!" I said, with a determina
tion. "I'm not a vain man, but I will
never voluntarily make a fright of my-
self."
"Oh ! I'm sure you would look much
better without thorn," said Jliss Oram
blethorp ; "besides, remember the ska
ting party to-morrow; I want you to
leach mo so much. You really must
not go."
I was not proof against this. The
adorable Miss Jlinulo actually wishing
me to stay ! Again, I recollected that 1
had no other invitation for Christmas,
and all my family were spending tlio
winter abroad. Under those circum
stances, I determined to risk nil, and
stay where I was sure to enjoy myself.
Next morning i roso early, had a
"clean shave," and borrowed a pair of
light blue spectacles. When 1 met Miss
(inimblethorp on my way to breakfast,
she declared tho disguise was capital,
telling me at the same time thnt her fa
tiler had arrived and was in the break
fast room. 1 was formally introduced,
nnd by tho way that lie received mo it
was evident ho had not recognized mo
in tho least.
"Always glad to sec Tom's friends,"
c-o til ll.nnl.l 1...,. t. ,...! ! ..l ,
,7""'7-M "V1'", '"r'
"Thank goodness ho doesn't chooso for
, , ,
: , , ' "" ' '" 'V """- "
iiiuiieii niu c.iiom:i, . x volUlel w neut
er they consider themselves gentle
men?" In this strain ho continued to talk nil
breakfast time, whilst 1 answered with
perfect gravity, not daring to look at
-Minnie, for I felt stiro site was enjoying
thejoke.
Mystery is nearly over. I enjoyed
thoskating party thoroughly, for, I spent
most of tho day in teaching Minnie. I
also accompanied lier tlio next evening
to a lull, whera I found sho could move
much more quickly and gracefully than
on tho ice.
I am now married ; and though I have
siuco grown my whiskers, yet my fa-ther-in-law
has never sti-pocted that 1
was "the young jackanapes that made
him lute for tlio train" (ho has never
mentioned tlio burnt cork business) and
has always been so kind to mo that 1
havo heartily repented of it.
Kirs my With ou Fight Mi; An
Oscci.AToiiY Ai.ti:isnativi:. There
ate few married men wiioaie not avere
to seeing tlieir wives kissed, but an ex-
change relate- the pailiculars of a case
In which a ncwJy-wctscleil Denetllct felt j
himself instilled because his wife wasn't
kissed. The bridegroom In question was
a stalwart young rustic, who was known
as "a formidable operator in a "free
fight." Ills bride was it beautiful and
blooming young country girl, only six
teen years of age, and tho twain were
at a patty wln.ro a number of young
folks were enjoying themselves in the
good old-fashioned paw '.'.-playing style.
Every girl in the room was called out
and kissed except H , tho beautiful
young brido uforoultl, and although
tliero was not a youngster present who
was not dying to tttsto hor lips, they
wero restrained by tho picsonco of her
herculean husband, who stood regard
ing tho party with a sullen look of dis
satisfaction. They mi-took the eati.-e,
however, for suddenly he expres-ed
himself. Dolling up ids sleeves, ho
stepped Into the lnlddlo of the room,
and In a lone of voice that secured
marked attention, said: "Gentlemen,
I have been noticing how things liave
been working hero for sonio time, and I
ain't 1ml! sati-ned. 1 don't want lo
raise a fuss, but" "W'hat'j tho matter
John?" Inquired half a dozen voices.
"What do you menu.' Havel dmioany
thlng to hurt your feeling"?" "Yes,
you havo ; nil of you hn vo hurt my feel
in.'.s. and I'voiu-t trot tills to say about
It. Here's every girl in tho room has
i balance of tho night lis any gal lu tlio
room, the m -u t iat slights Her lias got
J,1",' !";.' !,lmtMlf-i1, 1,,'r K'l
glit that's all. ?ow go ahead
your plavs !" If Mr-, i! was
1...1 .i...;i.i.l i..i 1...1. ,.r tin. v,.
! me to 1
ttll V
- slighted titir ny
..,,. mu uut n3 .m 'V";,.,:.
nlug we did not l.imw t. As for our-
Uclf? wo know that Joint bad no fault to
u;.. ill. us indhldc, lly. for tiny nr.
)pli. t on nnr pnrt.
boon Kissed near fi dozen times n niece, 0f Captain John Smith.
n and tliere's my v, ic, wno j consider as , of it (f)
r i IUC1Y lis tin, ui 1 1 iv in luninn ittiv. iicni- . . . .
Mlf! 1)1111 1 1 111 1'' 1 11 i HUH 1 LI II 1 I'll 1
t ns ln.inv hWthn'self. in hl-'i. in which. si
WITTICISMS.
Examiner "Who was the strongest
man wo rend of lu Scrlpturo?"
Smaut hoy "Jonah."
ExAMixm " Why so ?"
Smaht hoy "Uecauso tho whnlo
couldn't hold him nfter ho got him
down."
A toast nt nn Irish Society's dinner
nt Cincinnati: "Ilcro'stolho President
of tho Society, Patrick O'ltafferty, an'
may bo live to nto the hen that scratches
over his grave."
An old minister enforced tho necess
ity of dlll'erenco of opinion by argu
ment: "Xow if everybody had been
of my opinion, they would all havo
wanted my old woman."
Ono of tlio deadons, who sat Just be
hind him responded: "Yes: and if
everybody was of my opinion nobody
would have her."
Dim, went Into a hardware store.
"You sell nil sorts of nails hero?" said
he to tho obliging gentleman behind
the counter.
"Yes, my Httlo man nil sorts of
nails."
Says Ullly, "I'll lake :i pound of toe
nails, if you please.
Exit Hilly, sharply followed by a set
of too nails, done up in n heavy boot.
Litti.k Jimmii:, only about ten
years old, was standing on the stop3 of
his father's store, smoking n cigar, A
gentleman passing, asked him, witli
burpri.su. "Why, Jim I when did you
learn to smoko?" "Oh," says the child
very coolly, taking the cigar between
h)s lingers, "When I wasalittle feller."
A Moii:r, return upon a writ was
mado by a deputy sheriif in Indiana.
It was: "Sarved tho within, but was
tit witli brickbats by the woman, so that
I could not sarvo it."
A cli'.uk in a post oflleo hoard n tup
at tlio wiudowof the ladies' department
when who should tliero bo but a man
by tlio namo of Drake. "Mr. Drake,"
said tho clerk, "will you please to go to
the other side; this department is for
tlucks."
"Oi.n Coopr.n" is a Dutchman, and
like many other men, of whatever na
tionality, has a wife that is "some."
Ono day tho old man got into some
trouble with a neighbor, which resulted
in a fight. Tlio neighbor was getting
the better of the old man, who was re
sistlngtothe best of his ability, when
his wife broke out with, "Lio still,
Cooper, if ho kills you I'll sue him for
damages !"
A nr.NTi.iiMAN had flvo daughters,
all of whom ho brought up to become
useful and respectable characters in life.
Those daughters married, ono after an
other witli the consent of their father.
Tho first married a gentleman by the
namo of Poor, the second a Mr, Little,
the third a Mr. Short, tho fourth a Mr
Drown, tho fifth a Mr. Hogg. At the
wedding of the latter, her eistcrs, witli
their husbands, wero present, and tho
old gentleman said to the guests "I
have taken pains to educate my daugh
tors, that they might act well their part
in life; and from their advantages and
improvements, I fondly hoped that
they would do honor to my family,
lind that all my pains, caro and expee
tations havo turned out nothing hut it
Poor, Little, Short, Ilrown, Hogg."
POCAlIOIsTAS AND CAPTAIN
SMITH.
a noMANCi: i'.fi)i:i.Y u!si'i:i.i.i:r).
Tito romor.sele.sine.ss witli which mod
cm criticism is sweeping away some of
tho mo-t popular historical traditions,
finds n fresh illustration in tho famous
story of Pocahontas saving tho life of
Captain John Hmltli, which for two
i hundred years has excited tho wonder
and admiration of tlio world. A Mas
sachujetts antiquarian, Mr. Charles
Deane.lnsome recently published works
of which tho Xorlh American Jicvtcic
for January gives a summary, comc3 to
the conclusion that no such occurrence
over took place, and that tho whole sto
ry was invented by Gaptain Hmlth him
self. Tho incident is alleged to havota
ken place in December, 1007, yet In n
history written by .Smith, and published
in London in ltios, called tho 7Ve Jle-
tnlion, though tho account of his cap
tlvity and release by Powhatan is given
not ti word is s.tlil ol pouuiontns; nor
in all tlio histories of tho colonies pub
lished nfterward -ono written by Wing.
llel I, Uiodcpoied Governor, In 1G03 ; an
other wiltten by u.Dr. sjimons, to ne
company a map of Virginia ; by Smith
himself, and published in 1012; nor a
third by Thomas Slri .liey, in 101,") ; a
fourth by Itapiu Uniiur, once So'Tola
rv of tho colony, in 101a; and a ilfih by
Purehas, derived from Smith himself,
In 1017, is there tho slightest mention
of tin. celebrated Indd "lit In q.ietion
Doth IlamOrand I'urehas give full ac
counts of Pocahontas herself, of her
capture nnd detention as u hontttgo by
tho colonists, nf her conversion lo the
Christian fain. Iter mnrrhigo to Captain
ltolfe, her visit to England, and tho In
teret sho excited there; but not a word
of her having inteiposod lo save the life
The Urst hint
havo been give
bed by Smith lilm
aklncr of In
J cuntivltv, ho savs, "find mado Foci:
, ilontlls ti10 King's daughter, tho mean
i hontas the King's df
7 ,
I t0 lc11 11 nw '!
I It line ever mIiico lieei
and the full account ns
it lias over since boon received is found
, ,' u , Hi-ition m ulo bv Smith
in nnotnei puimiaiiou m.tuo j f11""11
lu 1021. sUlcn vea-s alter lite a leged
, occunen, oi, t ij.J , "Genond listo-
nc In hit n i..r-o mm won.s .nt.
PRICE FIVE CENTS,
Doano detects sundry instances of ex
aggeration nnd mendacity. They seem
to havo been written by Smith mainly
to enlist public sentiment nnd sympa
thy In his claims to reinstatement in
tlio colony from which lio had been de
posed : and It Is suggested that this Ac
tion was Invented as likely greatly to
enhanco his own Importance, nfter tho
romantic visit, reception and death of
1'ocahontas In England. To thoso who
know of tho Indian maiden only
through tho poetry, painting nnd sculp
ture of which sho has been mado ilio
subject, this picture ofher, whenn child
of ten or twelve years old, given by
Strachey, may bo curious. "Pocahou-
tas," ho says, "a well featured but wan
ton young girl, Powhatan's daughter,
sometimes resorting to our fort, of tho
ago then of elovou or twelve years,
would got tho boys forth into tho ninr-
ct place, and make tliem wheel, fall
ing on their hands, turning their hcela
upward, whom sho would follow nnd
wheel so herself, naked as sho was, nil
tlio fort over." This is not tho attitudo
which has generally been selected by
artists who have employed their genius
in illustrating her history and charac
ter. STRANGE CASE OF SUICIDE.
YOUNCS WOMAN I'HEl'AltnS II Hit OVTX
s 11 not; i.
Tho Albany Times relates a strango
tory of 11 determined suicide, and lo
cates tho occurrenco in a "neighboring
town." A young woman who had lived
for years In tho family of Mr. Joseph B.
Snyder became acquainted somo six
years ago with a respectablo young far
mer, and was nlllancod to him. But he
enlisted and was slain nt Fort Hudson,
on the Eleventh of June, 1S03. For two
years tho girl was inconsolable, but sho
then began to keep company with au
other lover. They wero trt havo been
married 011 Christmas, but beforo that
lay the bridegroom that was to vbo dis
appeared. Tlio grief of the deserted
ono know no bounds. Tho Times pays :
"When her housework was dono tho
girl would return to her own room and
there work industriously,but upon what
was not known. Last week she had tho
garment finished, and writing a letter,
placed It and tho garment in a bundle.
ritoso she carried to tho resldeuco of her
mother, to whoso care sho entrusted
them, saying, "Mother, do not open
theso things till New Y'ear's morning."
Tho mother, supposing tho bundle con
tained a present and tho restrictions
wero only to produeo surprise, paid no
more attention to her. Tho girl also
handed her mother her bank book,
which contained three or four hundred
dollars, which, by her industry, sho had
saved, and said, 'There's enough to bu
ry botlt sister and mo' when wo aro
dead." This remark caused suspicion.
The girl went to her room, and soon af
ter was attacked with vomiting. Medi
cal aid was procured. Sho suffered tcr-
iblv, but fortunately recovered. Sho
had taken a dose of poison, but it did
not have tho desired effect. Tho next
day. In tho forenoon, she again retired
to her room and begged to bo allowed to
rest until 10 a. m,, as shodid notrecelvo
rest tho night previous. Sho did so;
and again partook of poison. When her
folks went to the room It was found si
lent and locked on tho Inside. The door
W113 burst open, and there lay tho girl,
as white as marble, and a corpse. Sho
had quieted her troubled mind, and set
at rest the vexations of disappointed
love. This was on Sunday lost. Then
the mother opened tho bundle which
she bad intrusted to her care, and lol
and behold, there was as neat, tasty
and costly a shroud, mado by the glrl'a
own hands, as ever covered tho form of
tho dead! Tito letter explained tho causa
of this most singular net. Tho unfortu
nate girl was wrapped In the sombre ha
biliments prepaied for herself, nud on
Now Year's day her body was con
signed to tho tomb.
MUUDEIt iiy Nix.koes in South
Carolina. One of tho bravest, best,
most popular, most honorable, most
amiable citizens of Lexington District
-of all South Carolina was Colonel
Marccllus Slecdman, leader for somo
timo during the Into war of tho Sixth
South Carolina volunteers. Sinco tho
elo.-o of tho war ho has been living on
his farm on Edisto, and boon engaged
at tlio samo timo in merchandise.
Ills dwelling nud storo wero under tho
samo roof. On Tuesday night, tho 8th
Instant, he walked out Into tho piazza,
and ns ho turned to go in, was shot by
some person unseen. As ho fell ho
cried out. His wlfo rushed forth, drag
god him In nnd bolted tho door. Ho
survived but three hours. Tito wretch
ed and bereaved woman with her two
littlo children, spent tho wholo night
alono with the corpse, fearing to give
the alarm.
Immediately upon tho shot being
llred, there was ti hubbub nf voices,
and Colonel Steedman recognized thoso
of two negro men, formerly slaves of
his father. Tills, witli their names, ho
disclosed to his wlfo beforo he died.
And sure enough, on tho following
day tho two monsters wero nrrosted in
Aiken. Tliev mado full confess-on. It
seems that they had followed Sherman
when ho pa-ed through Lexington,
and hml not returned thither until a
fortnight before thu murder. This fort
night they had spent in watching their
chance. They had 110 grudgo ngainst
their former young ma.-ter, but know
ing that ho was in business, they killed
him with tho design or getting money
nud robbing tho store. They intended
to murder the lady nnd children, but
with tho first shot their hearts failed
them. Wo tako it for granted they aro
lu Ham a ell Jail. Colonel Steedman
was only about thirty ywrn of age.
fflflfiltt C. AdrtrHHr.
mw J ,, , ... come ami I"k m n t rcu.
PijvM'Hirs M .r h '. IS'..