NASH
Bellefonte, Pa. August 10, 1906.
EE ———————————————————————————V——
Just for a Change.
I'm sort of tired of things that is;
They'r lackin’ somewhat as to fizz.
There ain't no ginger io life's jar
With things a-goin’ as they are.
The fault may be with me, and, then,
It may be otherwise again,
1 ain't a-tryin’ to fix no blame
Because all tastes about the same.
Howe'er it is, I wish it might
Have things turned round a bit some night,
So that instead of as they be,
They'd work towards the contrary.
I'd like to see some mountain rill
Have spunk enough to flow up hill,
So that old Nature might be shown
It had opinions of its own.
I'd like to see the settin’ san
Out inthe east when day is dove,
Just as a hiot, when goin’ to bed,
To prove it wasn't bigoted,
1'd like to hear a bull-frog sing
Like nightingales upon the wing.
Instead of that eternal ‘‘clunk™
With which he seeks his swampy bunk.
A cat that barks ; a dog that meows,
And when it comes to milkin’ cows,
'T would cheer me up to get a pail
Of lemonade or ginger ale ;
And if the bucket in the well
Would give up water for a spell,
And bring me up some fresh root beer,
There'd be no kick a-comia’ here.
'T ain't discontent that's vexin' me
With life so everlastin’ly,
But just a sort of parchin’ thirst
To get a peek at things reversed.
They've been the same so very long
A change would strike me pretty strong,
And, though I'm makin’ no complaint,
Foronce I'd like "em as they ain't.
~John Kendrick Bangs,
in MeClure's for August,
When the Editor
“Puffed”
By DONALD ALLEN
Copyright, 1908, by M. M. Cunningham
There was just one reason why the
Widow Bidwell refused the matrimo-
nial offer tendered her by Editor Flint
of the Weekly Clarion and Fergus
County Advertiser. Editor Flint had
owned and edited the Clarion for many
years. He had never married because
he had been too busy making up and
working off his edition of 600 coples,
getting up and printing auction bills, |
writing thrilling local notices of wood |
‘wanted on subscription and other mat- |
ters connected with a weekly journal |
of twenty years ago. Some of his es- |
teemed contemporaries sneeringly re- |
marked now and then that he stole his |
editorials, but when it came down to |
writing out an auction bill they yielded
him the palm, i
“Avection! Auction! Auction!” read |
the average blll. “Take notice that on |
the 14th of September George Styles, |
farmer, will sell at public vendue all |
the live stock and other personal prop-
erty on his farm on the Red Bridge |
road. Said stock consists of horses, |
cows, sheep and hogs and about 100 |
hens and geese. le to begin at 10 |
a. m,, and all will to the highest |
bidder.” i
There was no doubt about the suc |
cess of the Clarion as a newspaper or |
‘about the success of Editor Flint as an |
editor. When he finally made up his |
mind to marry the Widow Bidwell, |
|
her husband's death, and she did not |
rank with the Four Hundred of i
village, but she was a lover of poetry |
and she had dreams of poets. While |
terfered considerably with her
out orders on time, and she calculated |
‘that one about offset the other, :
The poetry loving widow had had |
fifty different poetic effusions pub-
lished in the Clarion over the nom de |
plume of Flossie, but Mr. Flint had |
received the copy with a grunt, and |
‘the public had recovered from the
shock each time within twenty-four |
|
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The “poems” had been published to |
save carrying dead advertising. Mrs. |
Bidwell was rather surprised when
the editor dropped in on her one even-
ing and proceeded to say that he want. |
ed her for the mistress of his house,
‘but she soon rallied and answered that
there was an insurmountable
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wanted a few pointers.
day from Mr, Harold De Lisle, who
has just made a million dollars out of
Pennsylvania oil. We understand that
he may remain in our village for some
days. Indeed, Dame Rumor Is con
pecting his name with that of a rich
and prominent widow on Chestnut
street.”
Mr. De Lisle was duly introduced to
the Widow Bidwell. She had no sooner
get eyes on him than her heart began
to palpitate. The poet had come. He
looked and dressed the part. He also
acted it. Nothing was sald of her
dressmaking on the one hand nor of
his oat business on the other. They
talked of sonnets ard poems and idyls,
and the widow was not in the hotel
dining room to note the quantity of
corned beef and cabbage he got away
with at dinner,
There was a fourth notice in the
Clarion. The spurned editor hadn't
much to do with auction bills just
then, and he had time to keep track
of affairs on Chestnut street. He bad
been told that Mr. Harold De Lisle
was only a traveling agent for a gang
of eastern swindlers, but he wasn't
going to say so. On the contrary, what
lie said was:
“The wealthy and distinguished Mr.
De Lisle is still with us, and if be has
not won the heart of a Reed City lady
then rumor has gone far astray. The
wedding will probably be a quiet af-
fair, and bride and groom may make a
honeymoon trip to Europe.” :
The Bohemian oats man who looked
like a poet and the widow dressmaker
who really wrote rhymes were not ex-
actly frank with each other. He never
asked the name of her brother or what
disease he died of. He never asked if
that fortune had come or when it might
be expected.
On her part, she didn't ask in what
part of the Keystone State his oil well
was situated or what national bank he
bonored with his deposits. They read
the Clarion and trusted in each other,
There were more farmers waiting to
buy Bohemian oats and find a crop of
| weeds, but still Harold De Lisle lin-
gered. There were dresses that cus-
| tomers were waiting for, but still the
widow's sewing machine was silent.
The languiduess and lethargy of look-
i ing like a poet and being a poet beat
sliding down hill all hollow. The fifth
“puff” in the Clarion was a send-off.
“The event of the season occurred at
i the Methodist church two days since,”
it read. “As we have all along pre-
dicted, we have lost our fairest flower.
In other words, Mr. Harold De Lisle
prevailed upon the charming Widow
Bidwell to give him her hand and heart,
and the Rev. Mr. Peters made them
man and wife in a very impressive cer-
emony. The happy couple left for Chi.
cago immediately after, but may re
stand.
Ten days later in a distant state the
bridegroom was talking up Bohemian
oats. They had come to an understand-
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I don’t know. I don’t seem te
have so much ache under my vest as I
did. I shouldn't wonder if I recovered
from the blow in time.”
He Changed.
SLIPS OF NOVELISTS
LEGAL MISTAKES THAT HAVE BEEN
MADE BY GREAT AUTHORS.
Dickens and the Famous Case of
Bardell Versus Plckwick~The Trial
Scene In Reade's “Hard Cash.”
Trolliope/s Dip Into the Law,
“Legzl fictions,” says one of Gfibert's
gondoliers, “are solemn things.” Yet
it is curious how seldom a novelist
ventures into a law court without driv-
ing his quill through acts of parliament
and rules of law alike.
That Dickens’ knowledge of law, like
Mr. Weller's of London, was “exten-
sive and peculiar” is amply demon-
strated by the famous case of Bardell
versus Pickwick. Students of that re-
port may have been struck by the fact
that neither plaintiff nor defendant ap-
peared in the witness box. The ex-
planation is that at that time parties
“upon the record” were not competent
witnesses, their interest in the case be-
ing regarded as too strong a tempta-
tion to, shall we say, inaccuracy. But
had Dickens been a lawyer Mr. Winkle
and his friends might also have been
spared the ordeal of cross examination
and their friends and admirers de-
prived of many merry moments.
In his anxiety to satirize the abuses
of cross examination Dickens over-
looked the legal rule that the counsel
who calls a witness is not permitted to
cross examine him at all, but, on the
contrary, is bound by his answers;
therefore had Serjeant Buzfuz permit-
ted the Pickwickians to be called as
witnesses fo; the pfaintiff (which he
would have known better than to do)
their version of the words heard
through the door “on the jar” must
have been accepted, and at the first at-
tempt to badger either of them it would
have been the learned counsel for the
plaintiff who received his lordship’s in-
junction “to be careful.”
But all lovers of Dickens will rejoice
at his ignorance of the rule which
forces counsel never to call a hostile
witness, Who could bear to be depriv-
ed of the evidence of Mr. Samuel Wel-
ler?
Exactly the same mistake is made by
Anthony Trollope in his well known
novel, “The Three Clerks.” There the
Lero, Alaric Tudor, is placed upon his
trial for misappropriating trust money
and defendad by that famous leader,
Mr. Chaffanbrass of the Old Balley.
Tudor's Mephistopheles, the Hon. Un-
decimus Scott, is called, much against
his will, as a witness for the defense,
cross examined by the celebrated Chaf-
fanbrass, forced to confess his mis
deeds and dismissed covered with
ignominy, to be subsequently expelled
from his club—poetic justice which
would have been defeated even by a
chairman of quarter sessions.
The great theoretical and practical
knowledge of law possessed by Charles
Reade saved him from this error, as
from many others. Yet the famous
trial scene in “Hard Cash” would have
been ruthlessly deprived of its most
dramatic moment by any judge of the
high court. When the hapless Alfred
Hardy, who has been wrongfully im-
prisoned in an asylum by his wicked
father, comes at last to establish his
sanity before a jury, his case is closed
by the reading of a letter from his
dead sister. Writing at the point of
death, she solemnly denies his insanity
and begs him to show her words to his
accusers when she is no more. Read
aloud by the judge himself, her letter
reduces a crowded court to tears and
goes far to secure her brother a trium-
phant verdict, with heavy damages.
“Hard Cash” is termed “a matter or
fact romance;” but, as a matter of fact
and law, no such letter could have been
received in evidence. Knowing that,
under ordinary clrcumstances, such
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der and libel alike may expose
an action for damages, it is libel
that can bring you within the
the criminal law.
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WOMEN CHESS PLAYERS.
Why None of Them Is Mentioned In
the Annals of the Game.
Ladies’ chess clubs are being estab-
4shed In various parts of the country;
special inducements are held out for
their patronage by the promoters of
national and international tournaments,
snd articles on the game appear regu-
larly in journals which cater specially
to them. Women have always played
and taken part in the game, though
probably never to the same extent as
now. It is, therefore, remarkable that
in the whole of its enormous literature
there does not appear the name of
any woman among the stars of the
first, second or third magnitude. One
may go through volume after volume
containing thousands of games and not
find a single one played by women
which any editor thought worthy of a
permanent record,
When the on has been raised
before, it has invol with that
of the intellectual supe of one
sex over the other. Togy the answer
to this would be totally Inadequate
and inconsequential. There are men in
the front rank of players at the pres-
ent moment who by no stretch of the
imagination or the term can be said to
occupy their position on account of ex-
ceptionally intellectual endowments.
While the game always appeals to in-
tellectual men and women, intellect is
not the only factor which makes the
great player.
A careful examination of the games
of players whom the world recognizes
as great reveals the fact that the fac-
ulties and qualities of concentration,
comprehensiveness, impartiality and,
above all, a spark of originality, are
to be found in combination and in va-
rying degrees. The absence of these
qualities in woman explains why no
member of the feminine sex has occu-
pled any high position as a chess
player,
There are many women who are ear-
nest students of chess whose knowl-
edge of the theory, principles and all
the accouterments of the game is phe-
nomenal. But mere knowledge can
make nobody great. Taking results,
good judgment is much superior to
knowledge imperfectly appiied.—Lon- |
don Saturday Review,
A WONDERFUL CALENDAR.
The Four Ages From the Theosoph-
feal Point of View.
There is nothing more wonderful in
the chronological and time keeping line
than the “Theosophical Calendar, Ac-
cording to the Secret Doctrine.” From
the theosophical point of view the four
ages are as follows: Sata yuga (golden
age), 1,728,000 years; tresta yuga (sil-
ver age), 1,200,000 years; dwapara
yuga (copper age), 864,000 years; kali
yuga (iron age), 432,000 years. The
total of these four ages makes one
mala yuga, or great age, of 4,320,000
years. One thousand maha yugas
make one kalpa, or day of Brahma,
equal to 1,000 times 4,320,000 years.
After the expiration of that unthink-
able period of time the night of Brah-
ma, equal in duration to the length of
the day, comes on, and the earth van-
ishes from the plane of existence.
Three bundred and sixty days and
nights of Brahma make one year of
Brahma, and 100 years of Brahma
make the great kalpa, a period of 311,
040,000,000,000 years, after which the
sun and the entise solar system plunge
into impenetrable night and every-
thing on the “objective plane” is de-
stroyed. Then comes the period known
as the great night, which is equal In
length to the great kalpa. After the
great night has lifted its sable mantle
a new solar system Is formed and evo-
lution begins anew.
According to the doctrine of the the-
osophists, we are now living in the
kall yuga, the last of the four ages,
and it began nearly 5,000 years ago,
with the death of Krishna, who died
3,102 years before our era began, The
first minor cycle of kall yuga ended
in the years 1897-98, but we still have
something like 427,000 before we ar-
rive at the end of the present age.
Kall yuga is also known to the the.
osophists as the black age. It is an
age of spiritual darkness, in which the
buman race pays for the misdeeds
which are recorded against them in the
previous ages.
His Prescription.
Boerhaave, the greatest doctor of his
time, was anxious that it should go
forth that even the most eminent doc-
tor is somewhat of a “humbug.” He
carefully handed the key of a small
diary to his executor, bade him open it
immediately after bis decease and let
contents go forth to the world at
large. When the notebook was opened
all its pages but the last were blank,
and on that final one there was writ-
ten in large letters: “Directions to pa-
tients: Keep your feet warm and your
head cool and trust for the rest to
Providence.”
Very Like It.
His mother tucked four-year-old John-
ny away in the top berth of the sleep-
ing car, says a writer in Youth. Hear-
night, she called softly:
“iounby, 98: y0% /kuow ‘where you
are
“Tourse I do,” he returned sturdily.
“I'm in the top drawer!”
A Wise Man,
Hewitt—How did you come to marry
typewriter? Jewett—Well, you
see, 1 got a good wife and got rid of a
poor stenogra
L
LIGHTHOUSE REPAIR SHOP.
labor, and in addition to this the gov-
ernment has never seen fit to
sufficient money on the plant to fit it
out with such machinery. In a stroll
throagh the workrooms one can see
men turning out the delicate brasswork
that keeps the flashlights on a gas
buoy going for three months at a time,
the curious brass cylinders that make
the walling cry of a fog siren, tiny
floating stops that serve to keep the
ofl from overflowing in the lamps after
the manner of a student lamp, and the
clockwork that keeps revolving lights
turning around hour after bour through
the long nights.
The only thing they don't make in
this department store are the lenses,
which are imported from Paris or Lon-
don. These are “assembled” in these
shops, however, and one can see lan-
terns of all sizes in the course of prep-
aration, from the smallest size used in
the service to ones of the power sufil-
clent to go in lighthouses of the first or-
der. Of course the department has to be
ready for emergencies in the way of
breakdowns of lights, as well as of
lightships, and so they not only keep
two light vessels at the wharf always
ready for Instant service, but they also
have in this storehouse an emergency
light that can be put up anywhere and
fitted to take the place of any light of
any description, whether it be fixed or
revolving, red and white or all red.—
New York Press.
SOME FIRST OCCASIONS.
Cannon and small arms were intro
duced in 1390.
Spinning wheels came to the rescue
of women in 1530.
The first stereotyping was done in
1813 in New York.
Shirts resembling those now worn
were in use in 1830.
Phrenology, “discovered” by Franz
Joseph Gall, a Viennese physician, in
1796, became a 80 called science in
1805,
The first submarine telegraph wire
in this country was from Governors
island to the Battery In New York, iaid
in 1842,
Double entry bookkeeping was first
used in the mercantile cities of Italy,
notably Venice and Florence, in the
fifteenth century.
Schwartz invented gunpowder In
1328. But Roger Bacon, a thirteenth
century alchemist, gives a recipe for
it in a work of his in 1270.
Natural Wells In Yueatan.
Since Yucatan, where the Mayas
built their strange cities, is a coral
limestone formation, it would, says a
writer In Records of the Past, have
been a barren desert but for its sub-
terranean rivers and the cenotes, or
water caverns, which give access to
them. The Mayas noted the courses
of the underground streams and built
their towns round the cenotes. Many
cenotes are now found surrounded by
rulns and give indications of the meth-
ods employed by the Mayas to reach
their cool waters. In Uxmal a cenote
about forty feet deep Is Inhabited by
a peculiar species of fish. At Bolan-
chen there Is a cenote having five open-
ings in the rocks at the bottom of the
cavern. Ladders made by tying tree
trunks together lead down a total dis-
tance of 1,400 feet, but the perpendic-
ular depth from’ the surface to the wa-
ter is not over 500 feet.
The Mixture In Roumania.
Roumania Is inhabited by a bewilder-
ing variety of races, but whether of
Greek, Slav or Teutonic lineage, the
modern Roumanian makes it a point of
honor to clalm descent from the colo-
nists whom Trajan planted in the con-
quered province of Dacia A, D. 107.
Calling theinselves Romuni and their
language Romunle, the proud citizens
seldom draw out a legal document
without some allusion to their founder,
whom they style “the divine Trajan.”
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LIVING FOR THE FLAG.
to
“Whatever you do, boys, don't gi
our flag: save that at an
an instant the flag was
staff and cut and torn into hu
of small fragments, each piece being
hidden about the person of some one of
its brave defenders.
The survivors of the regiment, about
500 in number, were sent to a prison
camp, where most of them remained
until the end of the war, each cherish-
ing his mite of the regimental colors.
Through long months of imprisonment
many died, and in all such cases the
scraps of bunting guarded by the poor
unfortunates were Intrusted to the
care of some surviving comrade.
At the end of the war when the pris-
oners returned to their homes a meet-
ing of the survivors was held, and all
the priceless fragments of the flag
were sewed together. But a very few
pieces had been lost, so that the re-
stored emblem was made nearly com-
plete.
That flag, patched and tattered as it
is, forms one of the proudest posses-
sions of Connecticut today and is pre-
served in the state capitol at Hartford,
bearing mute testimony to the devo-
tion of the brave men who were not
alone ready and willing to die for it
on the field of battle, but to live for it
through long years of Imprisonment in
order that they might bring it back
whole to the state that gave it into
their hands to honor and defend.—St.
Nicholas.
NAIL CHARACTERISTICS.
They Are an Ald In Diagnosis of Dis-
eases and Traits.
It is said that the moon at the base
of the nail is simply an indication of
good health and excellent circulation,
while the white spots are always the
accompaniment of an impaired nerv-
ous system. The common idea that an
external application of vaseline will
cure the white spots is erroneous, and
those afflicted with the little “story
tellers” would far better turn their at-
tention to securing perfect physical
health in the assurance that the spots
will disappear with improved circula-
tion.
It is not possible to create moons at
the base of the nails, Frequently the
moon Is there, but through negligence
it Is covered by skin, which without
attention will grow upward over the
base of the nail.
It is not generally understood that
the shape and appearance of the finger
nails are carefully considered and form
an important factor in the diagnosis of
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and across. Where the nails are long
and bluish they Indicate bad circula-
tion. This same type of nail,
shorter, denotes tendency to throa
Short, small nails indicate heart
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