£*4v£) -• * i~* AT LAST f&i ?' to ‘ IKEHEDY I^ectiok Leant, H|l|9!MdiAwßM»'' ™>aid Be-ttew—«U raakn«d.ar(uu u»J9*d|. !**««>• '.. r :' K»«P»W from wqr drg. tow ad m (ill M tH tm bottlo, or per bottle or Ifam tgUUi • on receipt of prioe. R. MRRWIN AOO., JW9H| mm vaoM \ ® h s E CJJEm torrboe .Seminal Weakr»eee eedsaea caused by sslfpol , UnlreraalLaasltode.Palni Premature Old Ape. Weak Trembling. Wikihlnm, uhtenance, Insanity, Con- Complaints caused by de- niable extract, end one on en need inour practice for treated. It'haa not foiled in powers bare been sufficient thhborncaee. th their constitution until be reach at medical aid. we UKROKEB OURS will re |od alter all quack doctors Circular ; from any .Drug the Proprietors, who- wfU the.same, a foil treatise In i bottles for $5, aadforwar be world , > lata ererywhere. t*. uskfnH t 00., Sols Proprietors, berty Street, Saw Ycrk. umtuoß.nn . , EU*lr. HIT'S r. ELIXIR! IF UHL i txmen. Oogßunn tmetsiuem- of mjai dtaeot »6b* »n entirely new . rrrejwetir, of »U lieoM; I>7 thomort anliwatMd- I proDoancxd to bogM Of f tb»««e. ' feinCM. ; [the heart. Sof Imettefbtloß. rretfce muiliuewud ft|U ea oflmpoteney 'riff* *ad nboit Wife tiMflUll MMI< bo oofr-toakod tew of prenlon, the IqOnUMl M Wtekneee •adnenalnent rellrf q fUk. ■' Ue» for $5, end fcreer »y, tewjr'iddiMi. ' .. UXBWIN* e« ty stwot,|M«tr,T< PILtSi coated REOULATOE, ■■ Prejseiw oad tke puantjftt tf "ir WtnfWt nrmi' - mmu~ dlatiaaL ' that Petnfbl Henrire is:tho tadMi'MUi'N tow, . Ae,lSi. W> * ttey remote #ko ante CMarlt.- !> SSgg*l cfcfl ta do. * ' "' r'* tf TeC~ T* McGBUM & WEBN. VOL 9 fHE ALTOONA TRIBUNE, - B.C.DBBN, * *;»C*Wfr Es aJ p , o „ u „-u. . (M «ble lw»ri»My in »dwu»ee,).... r $1 M »t the expiration of tha time p»M h>r TKKMB OF ADFIETISIKQ : 1 iDterifam- 2do. . 8 do. Om- 8qo»r», . 1 00 1 50 800 Twn u »i'«i "ii... 150 800 B 60 T 'g“r thrJ»«** »h»» “>«* month., *5 coot. ~.r for ouch I “ sctto ll' ffionth , i 6 month.. lye»r. 1 50 $ 8 00 $4 00 2 50 4 00 "00 4 00 8 00 10 00 ' " 6 00 ' 8 00 12 00 6 00 10 00 14 00 ‘ io 00 14 00 BO 00 Six Hue* or less. Oaf *6naro Two ~•••• Three-. “ Four •*•••♦• Half » oolnmn... M £' 4€| 00 Mrrelwnta adwtumc by the jwir. , J# .ioo ,itbpaper,or Individual ..ssr."“i“xSKa v«-sa-ti. .TESTS," SSSA'SSZ* Obituary notice* exceeding tenjlinee, fifty cenw aequare WAR-TIME BY PHKBE CART Oh 1 my bird, my boautifn 1 bird! Sing no more to-day; The saddest maided under the sun 1 must be, till this weary war in done For my tover has gone Ah! your voice could never drop as it does Doacu-fcbrougliAhoee slender bars: If you ever had a soldier lad, And be was all the friend you had, And wia gone away to tho wan. You are quiet now I too quiet, my bird, To suit mj restless mood: Tis fearful to feel the homw.so still, dingbat again, till you sing your All: . I shall die with solitude ! Yet low! sing low, while he is gone to fight for the stripes and stars ; I would ,uot hear your voice ring out. Till it'blends itself with the nation’s shout, When my lover comes from the wars. You most sing for ua both in that blessed'day When I welcome my soldier boy; For my eyes will be dim with the happy tear, And my heart will come to mydip so near, That 1 cannot speak for joy! INCONNU What,is fancy! ’tin a dream, Around which hope still Ungers. A thought or bliss a sonny beam, Uuilded by fairy finger*. What is life J a trauleat brealb. The ceaseless aagaish of decay, A quickstep for the'march of death, Greatness of yesterday*. What’s a spirit? hath It form? Who marfcathe pathway it baa trod? The whirlwind’* voice, the howling storm. Shadow of the unseen God. And what is hope? a twinkling star. A promise in the bow of,heaven, A radiant light that shines afar. A pledge of sins forgiven. What is death? go ask the tomb; The silence of oar woes. The mourning % modem's peaceful home, The weary world's repose. Rternity 1 and what art thou ? The dew drop in ten. thousand years, The spirit’s home, the. good man’s vow, Ihe balm of sorrow’s tears. ItM |ps«Ua«g. FINDING A HUSBAND “ Uncle may I ride Milo ?” I said .one bright June morning, as we sat at the breakfast table ! “Ride Milo!” , “Yes! it’s such a beautiful day.” “ But he’ll throw you!” “Throw me!” And I laughed merrily incredulously. “Spy yes, uncle dear,” I continued, coax ingly, “there’s nothing to fear; and I am dying for a canter.” “You’ll die of a canter then,” he retorted, with his grim wit, ‘‘for he’ll break your neck. The horse has ohly been ridden three times, twice by myself and once by Joe.” ‘‘But you’ve often said I was a better rider than Joe.” Joe was the stable boy. “That’s a good uncle, now do.” And I threw my arms about his neck and kissed him. I knew, by experience, that when I did this I generally carried the day. My unde tried to look stem, but I saw he was relenting. He made a last effort, however, to deny me, \ “ Why not take Dobbin ?” he said. ‘‘Dobbin!” I cried. “Old snail paced Dobbin, on ‘such a morning a* this. One might as Urell ride a rocking horse at once.” “ Well,-well,” said he, “if I must I must. You'll tease the life out of me if I don’t let you have your own way. I wish you’d get a husband, you minx, you’r growing beyond lUy control.” “Humph! A husband. “Well sipp yoa say so, Til begin to look b\»ybr one io-day, ' “ He’ll soon repent of his bargain,” said my uncle.; but his smile belied hisf words. u You’re As cross as pie-* crust if you can’t have your way. There,” seeing I was tibout to speak, “go get -ready', while I tell Joe to dhddle Milo. You’ll set the house afire if I don’t send you off.” Milo was soon at the door, a gay mettlesome colt, who laid his ears back as I mounted, And gave.me a vicious look I did not quite like. ■ ‘‘Take care” said my uncle. “It’s not too late yet to give it up.” I was piqued. I never give up anything,” I said. “Not even the finding of a bus-v band, eh?” i “No. I'll ride down to the poor house and ask old Toby, the octo genarian pauper, to have me : and you'll be forced to hire Poll Wilks tocookyour dinner.” = And as I said this,my eyes twinkled mischieviously for uncle was an old bachelor, who jtested all strange women, and held an especial aversion to Poll Wilkes, a sour old maid of .forty-seven, be cause years ago she had plotted to entrap him into matrimony. Before he could reply, I gave Milo his head. John Gilpin, we arc told, went fast; but I went fasten. At first I tried to cheek his speed ; but he got the bit in his teeth; and all I could do was to hold on and-trust to tiring him out. Trees, fences and houses went by like wild pigions on the wing. As long as the road was clear, we did well enough, but sud denly coming to a blasted oak, that Started out, spectre like, from the edge of a wood, Milo? slued, twis ted half around and planted stub bornly in the ground, I did not know I was falling till I felt myself m a mud hole which lay at one side of the road. ■ * : Here was a tine, end to my boas ted horsemanship! But as the mud tvas soft, I was not hurt, and the ludicrous spectacle I presented, soon got the upper hand of my vexation. “A fine chance I have of finding a husband in this condition, ’ I said to myself, recalling my jest with uncle. “If I see some mud dryad now, and pass myself off for a mud nymph, I might have a chance.” And I began to pick myself up. “Shall I help you* Miss?” sud denly said a deep, rich; manly voice. I looked up and saw a young man, the expression of whose blach eyes brought the blood to my cheek, and made me, for an instant, asham ed and angry. But ion glancing again at my dress, I could not help laughing in spite of myself. I stood id the mud, at least six inches above the tops of my shoes. My riding skirt was plastered all over, so that it was plmost impossible to tell of what it |was made. My hands and ajrms were mud to he. elbows, for I had instinctively extended them as I fell, in order to save myself. ; The young man, as he spoke tur ned to the neighboring fence, and tjaking off the top fail, placed it across the puddle, then putting his arm around my waist, he lifted me out, though not: without; leaving’ my ajhioes behind. While he was fish ipg these put, which he began Im mediately to do, I stole behind the enormous old oak, to hide my blush ing face, and; scrape the mud off’ my stockings and riding skirt. 1 had managed to get the first a , little meaner, but the last was still as thick as ever when my companion made his appearance with the missing shoes, which he had scraped till they \ .here quite presentable, and leading Milo by the bridle, ■ “Pray, let me see you home,” he said, “if you will mount again, I’ll Ijead the colt; and there wul be no chance for bis repeating his tricks.” ] I could hot answer 'for shame. But when in the saddle muttered something about “not troubling him.” J “It’s no trouble, dot the least,” he replied, standing hat in hand like a knightly cavalier, and still retaining his hold on the bridle, “and I really can’t let you go alone, for he colt js as vicious as he can be to-day. hook at his ears and the red in his eyes. I saw you coming down the road, and expected vbu to be thrown every minute, till I saw how well you rode. Nor would it have hap pened if he had’nt wheeled and Stopped like a trick horse in a ,cir pus.” . J ~'V 'I ; J I cannot tell how soothing was ALTOONA, PA., SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 10, 1864. this graceful way of excusing my I mishap., I stole a glance under my i eyelids, at the speaker, and saw that i he was very handsome and gentle-S manly, and apparently about six j and twenty, or several years older I than myself. " ! I I had hoped that 5 uncle would be out in the fields overlooking the men ; but as we entered the gate, I saw him sitting provokingly at the open window; and by the time I had sprung to the ground, he had come out, his eyes prim full of mis chief. I dared not to stop, but turn- \ ing to my escort, I said. “My uu-i fcle, sir; won’t you walk in V” and! then rushed up stairs. i In about half an hour, just as I was dressed, there was a knock at my door, my uncle’s knock. I could not but opeii. He was -laughing a low silent laugh, his portly body | shaking all oyer with , suppressed merriment;' | “Ah! ready at last,’’ he said. “ I began to despair of you, you were ■iso long, and came to hasten you. He’s waiting in the parlor-still,” he saidiu a malicious whisper. “You’ve my consent, for I like him hugely, only who’d have thought of find ing a husbgnd in a mudpuddle?” I slipt passed my tormentor, pre ferring to face even my escort, than to run the gauntlet of uncle’s wit; and was soon stammering my thanks to Mr, Templeton, for as such my uncle, who followed me down, intro duced him. To make short of wlxat else w,ould make a long story, what was in jest turned out to be earnest; for in less than six mouths, in that very room, I stood up to become Mrs. Templeton. How it all came about I hardly -know. But I certainly did find a husband on that day. Harry, for that is the name by which I call Mr. Templeton, says that I entered the parlor so transformed, my light blue tissue floating about me so like a cloudwreatb, my cheeks so rosy, my" eyes so bright, my curls playing such hide and seek about my face, that, not expecting such an appari tion, he lost his heart at once. He adds, for he still knows how to com pliment as well as ever, that my gay, yet intelligent talk, so differ ent from the demure Miss he had expected, completed the buisness. Harry was the son of an old neighbor, who had been abroad for three years, and before that had been at college, so that I had never seen him, but uncle remem bered him at once, and had insisted on his staying until I came down, though Harry, from delicacy, would have left after an inquiry about my health. My uncle was one of those who null not be put off’, and so Harry remained, “the luckiest thing,” said he, “I ever did.” Milo is now my favorite steed, for Harry broke him for me, and we are all as happy as the day is long, uncle included; for uncle insisted on our living with him, and I told him I would consent, “if oply tokeepPoll Wilkes from cooking his dinners. ,J To which he answered, looking at Harry, you see what a little spitfire she is, and you may bless your stars if you don’t rue the day she went but to find a husband.” Witty. —Said the second wife of the witty J udge S -, in a reproach ful way, as the horse was drawing them up the hill, “My father al ways walks up all the hills.” “So did my first wife,” was the reply. “There,” said Mrs. , giving him some trifle, “that is in return for your abuse.” “Yes,” said he, you are like the scandal tree, that sheds its sweetness on the axe that cuts it down.” “ Then you intend to kill me, do you ? When do you mean to do it?” “Hot till you are good; I think you can’t have a better ser curity for your life.” ggp* The assistant whom Blon din was wont to carry on his back across the Niagara was a Milanese, who breaking down in his affairs, resolved to commit suicide. Blon din got him to be his assistant in his perilous feat by the following logic: “Ifwe go down, very good; you are drowned according to your intention; if you arrive on the other side, the fortune pf both is made.” The terrible feat was accomplished, and the two friends have since been inseparable companions. [iJTDEPERDEKT IK EVERYTHING.] The Great American Showman Re turns fromJMifernla i HIB OI'IKIOK OH MATTERS AHD THINGS OBVKBALI.T. The stoodent arid connyseer must have noticed and admired ip vans parts of the United States of Amer-. ica, large yaller handbills, which not only air gems of art in theirselves, but they troothfully sit! forth the-at tractions of my show—a show, let me here observe, that contains many livin’ wild animiles, every one ot which has got a Bootiful Moral. Thera handbills is scuipt iu New York. & I aimoolly repair here to git some more on ’uni; &, bein’ here, I tho’t I’d issue a Address to the Public on matters aiid things. Since last I meyaudered these streets, I have bin all over the Pa cific Slopes and Utah. I cum back now, with my virtoo unimpaired, but then I’ve to git some new clothes. Many changes have taken place even durin’ my short absence, and sum on ’em is Solium to contemplate. The house in Yarveck street, where I used to board, is bein torn down. That house, which was rendered me morable by me livin’ into it, is ‘par sin’away, parsin’ a\Vay! ’ But sum of the timbers will be made into canes, which will be Sold to my ad mirers at the low price of one dollar each. Thus is changes goin on con tiuerally. In the Hew World it is war—in the Old World Empires is totterin’ & Dysenteries is crumblin’. Thes canes is cheap at a dollar. Sammy Booth, Duane street, sculps my hanbills, & he’s a artist. lie studid in Rome—State of Hew York. I’m here to read the proof-sheets of my handbills as fast as they’re sculpt. You have to watch these printers purty close, for they’re jest as apt to spel a word roug as anyhow. But I have time to' look round sum, and how do I find things V I return to the Atlantic States after a absence of ten months, and what State do I find the country in ? Why, I don’t know what State I find it in. Suffice to say, that Ido not find it in the State of Hew Jersey. I find some things that is cheerful, partick’ly the resolve on the part of the wimmen of America to stop wearin’ furrin goods. I never meddle with my wife’s things. She may wear muslin from Greenland’s icy mountains, andbom bazeen from Ihjy’s coral strands if she wants to; but lam glad to state that that superior woman has peeled oft’ all her her furrin cloths and jumpt into fabrics of domestic manifactur. But, says sum folks, ef you stop importin’ things you stop the Reve noo. That’s all right. We can stand it if the Bevenoo can. On the same principle young men should continer to get drunk bn French brandy, and to make their livers as dry as a corn cob with Cuby cigars, because 4--sooth if they don’t it will hurt the Revenoo. This talk ’bout the Revenoo is of the bosh boshy. One thing is tolerably certain—ifwe don’t send gold out of the country we shall have the consolashun of knowing that it is in the country.— So I say great credit is dob the wim min for this patriotic move—and to tell the truth, the wimmin general ly know what they’re ’bout. Of all blessens they air soothinest. If there’d neyer bin any wimmin where would my children be to-day ? But I hope this move will lead to other moves that air jest as much needed; one of which is a general and thorrer curtainment of expenses all round. The fact is, we air gettin’ ter’bly extravagant, and onless we paws in our mad in less than two years the Goldess of Liberty will be seen dodgin’ into a Pawn Broker’s shop with the other gown don© up in a bundle,' even if she don’t have to Spout the gold stars in her head band. Let us all take hold jintly, and live and dress centsibly, like our fourfothers, who know’d moren we do, if they warnt quite so honest! (Suttle goaketh.) | There air other cheerin signs. We don’t, for intuns, lack great Gen’rals, and we certainly don’t lack brave soljere—but then there’s one thing I wish we did lack, and that is so ma ny pisin Copperheads. Them who think thata cane made from the timbers of the house I once boarded in is essenshal to their hap- piness, should not delay about aend m’ the money right on for one. And now] with a genuine hurrar for the wimin who are goin’ to aban don. JEurrin goods, anA another for the patriotic everywheres. I’ll leave public matters and indulge in a litr tie pleasau family gossip. My reported capture by the North American saxijis of Utah, led my wide circle of triends and creditors to think I had bid adoo to earthly things, and was an angel playin’ on a golden harp, Bents my ’nval home was onexpected. j It wfis 11 P, M. when I reached my homestid and knodt a kfiock on the door thereof. A nightcap thrusted itself out of the front chamber window* (It was my Betsy’s nightcap.) and a voice said: “Who is it ?” “It’s aman,” XansUredin agrufvois. “I don’t beleeve it!” she sed. “Then come down and search me, ’’ I replied. Then resumin’ mynot’ral voice, I sed “It is your own A. W., Betsy! Sweet lady, wake! Ever of thou!” “Oh,” she said, “It’syou,is iff I tho’t I smelt something,” But the old girl was glad to see me. In the mornin’ I found that my family were entertainin’ a artist from Philadelphy, who was there paintin’ some startlirfwater falls and moun tains, and I mbren suspected he had a hankerin’ for my oldest dauter. “ Mr. Skimmerhoru, father,” sed my dauter. “ Glad to see you sir,” Ireplied, in a hospittle vois ; “glad to sep you.” “He is an artist, father,” sed my child. “A which ist ?” “A artist—a painter.” “Andglazier ?” laskt. “Airyou a painter and glazier/eh?” My dauter and wife was mad, but I could’nt held it; I felt in a comikil mood. “It’s a wonder to me,. Sir,” said the artist, “considerin’ what a wide spread reputation you have, that some of our Eastern managers don’t secure you.” “ It’s a wonder to me, ” sed my wife, that somebody don’t secure him with a chain. After breakfast I went over to town to see my old friends. The ed itor of The Bugle greeted me eord yully and showed me the follerin’ article he’d just written about the paper on the other side of the street: “We hatfe recently put up in bur office an entirely new sink, of unique construction-—with two holes, thro’ which the soiled water may pass to the new bucket underneath. What will the hell hounds of The Adver tiser say to this ? We shall continue to make improvements as fast as our rapidly increasing business may war rant. Wonder whether a certain editor’s wife thinks she can palm off a brass watch-chain on this commu nity! for a gold on© ?” “That,’’saysthpEditor, “hitshim whar he lives. That will close him up as bad as it did when I wrote a article redicoolin’ his sister, who’s got a cock-eye.” A few days arter my retem, X was shown a young man, who says he’ll be dam if hegbes to war. He was settin’ on a Barrel, & was indeed a loathsum objek. v „ Last Sunday I heard the Parson Batkins preach, and the good, old man preaches well, too, tho’ his pray er was ruther lenghthy. The editor of the Bugle, who was with me, sed that* prayer would made fifteen sqares, solid nonparil. I don’t think of nothin’ more to write about. So “B’leeve me if ail those endearing young charms, ” &c. A. WARD. SraraiNG Bhtme. —An Editor not feel ing very well the other day, be turned’ bis attention to poetry and Petersburg, and here is th e revolt .- Says U. S. Grant toRE. Lee— “ Surrender Petersburg, to me.” Says R. E. Lee to U. S. Grant— “ Have Petersburg ’ Oh, no you shan’t.” “ 1 shan’t V' said Grant, “Qh, very well- You say I shan’t, 1 say I shell.” yy-A brow-beatipg council as ked a witness how far he had been front ascertain place. “Just four yards, two feet and six inches, was therreply.” “ How came you to be so exact, my friend ?” “Because I ejected some fool or other would ask me, so I measured it.” EDITORS AND PBOI Prison And Birds.—lt is Very pleaaantto hare smgingHbsmhr in oar house* and few peoplotbink that tho littlesongstera might ©re fer the opeu air and the woods to the confinement of a cage. But one who has been shut up in prison him self understands it, like the sailor in the following anecdote: “ Soon after the close of the' long French war in Europe, a boy stood tm one of the bridges that cross the Thames at London, with a number of small birds in a cage for sale. A sailor who was passing, observed the little prisoners fluttering about the cage, peeping anxiously through the wires, and manifesting their eager desire to regain their liberty. He stood some time looking at the birds, ap parently lost in thought; At length addressing the boy, he said: “How much do you ask for your birds, my boy ?” “Sixpence, apiece sir.” I don’t ask how much apiece,” said the sailor; how much for the lot ? I want to buy all hands.” The boy made his calculations—they, came to six “ There is your money,” said the sailor; giving the cash, which the boy received with evident satisfaction. No sooner was the bargain closed than the sailor opened the cage door and let all the birds fly away. The boy astonished, exclaimed: “"Why did you do that, sir ? You have lost all yous birds,’ I’ll tell you why I did it. I was shut up three years in a French prison, a prisoner of war, and l am resolved never to see anything in prison that I can make free.” The Fibsi Napoleon.— W e never thought Napoleon a bad man, but the incident related below shows that hie was a good one.! He at once announces a decision and a noble sentiment with the conden sed brevity of command on the field of battle. The Minister of Marine recom mended to the Emperior to cancel the appointment of a young, man in his department, on the ground that his father was a man of bad charac ter, and that one of his relations had been convicted of crime. Na poleon wrote [2oth February, 1805) m the margim, “ Rejected. The young man must be kept in his em ployment. Faults are personal.” “ Faints are personal. ’ ’ Haw just a distinction, and prompt ain intui tion. i A Pennsylvania editor says, “somebodody brought- a bottle of sour water into our office, with a request to notice it as lemon beer. If Esau was green enough to sell his birth-right for a mess of pottage, it does not prove that we will ten a four-shilling lie for five cents.” The last joke at the expense of the French Sofeiety for the pro tection of animals is to the follow ing effect. A countryman* armed with an immense club, presents him self before the President of the So ciety and Maims the great prize. He is asked to decribe the act Of humanity on which he founds his claim. “ I saved the life of a wolf,” re plied the countryman. “I-might have easily 'killed him with this bludgeon ;” and he swung the wea pon in the air to the intense discom : fort of the President. “But where was the wolf?” in quired the latter “whathas he done to you ?” “ Jle had just devoured my wife,” was, the reply. The President reflected a moment, and then said: “My friend, I am of opinion that you have “been sufficiently rewar ded.” Love. Love is the weapon which Omnipotence reserved to con quer rebel man, when all else had tailed. Reason:he parries; feir he answers blow to blow; hut love—that sun against whose, melting beams winter cannot stand-that soft, subdu ing slumber which wrestles with the giantr—there is not one. hhtnWj). creature in a million, not thong* and men in earth’s large whose clay heart is hardened against love. I"’' I is but ah’ inscription on a grave glory; the zeri on a coffinlid. • - - 1’ ■ii-fp ■■-.(A' J. —j. irf-. .s~ T' v, »»: NO. 25.