;
W Market St , UarrijJturg K j> a
jithbKßhßa»nt >8 ohiefly to
Sfta^js^^sanS l
, Bfcllom. Bckntiflc Amriins. ’
So«3»3f’« L*rty’» Book, *
SSSTwd *aMntW half t^b^SuS 1 £ “
nw t*«mnhl*t Inn,
lUy#t ,Tery madonUe priow. (ttua (UV’-i''
ISN»;!« BBrf. »U 1 recelte
&««3r**w‘ *» -y^kiMlkuWKyj
s
s
I J»- ; .»,« c
I ■£< sia
P is “111
b i s 2 Hi
[I ,* >J .2 o
|;;S I pr
f i':®'»«'■»■&
psasu
g-essii
fr'S'Mv2»-8 t
BS-S =1
'iiJ- ■ i
:
V--T"
>iWARD! EVER ONWARD:
STEP BY STEP!
S UNDERSIGNED DESIRES To
am hia oM automata and the pphlle oenerall
a.thleyrlng gone Into W*
aatrecefrod a urge and eßtinlynew stock of
>KESS GOODS,
Mi«, unbracing all thelateat,preuieatandm„.
ISHIONABLE PATTERNS.
»ng which toajr be found eterr qaalltj ofcood.
ke of which it wnald be too MlmW to enumerate
In the line of pure, freeh and cheap
KJERIES & PROVISIONS
i'“knock cfoiler” to anjrof ii
Itment 1 feclrnre that I can render MtirStciior.
nfa of coaittr) produce taken In exchange f.„
bit the highest market price allowed. f
111 Ui«i corner of Annie and Ifaien atreeln. Emt
THOMAS UESLOP
M»y22,:m2.
•JACOB ’WETS,
LER AND CONFECTIONER.
M Viiif.wi* Bnxer. Aitoosa, Pa.,
PS CONSTANTLY ON HAND
(READ. CAKES, CANDIES
•CJE CZRE-A-IVE
BETMEATS,-af bin bwjo manufacture. which h-
Wi *IU, wholesale or retail. at the most rea-un-
FOREItjX FRUITS, such as
IbjES, LEMONS, PINE-APPLES.
Kli’A’ES, RAISINS, NUTS, &C., &C'..
|Phd in their respective seasons.
ES BAKED TO ORDER.
rnlar occasions, on abort notice and in the n--a ■
eat style of the art.
inuaiue and price my stock and yon will flu,'
I nod cbeapbe can bo purchased eleewben.
f.wos. • .
H. FETTINGER’S
sneral News Agency.
HALL, No. 7, MAIN STREET
OOL BOOKS, BLANK BOOKS,
iONEHY, CONFECTIONARIKs
pJARS & tobacco.
l»D notions in great VARIETY
CONSTANTLY OS BAND.
24.JR81.
LLOYD & CO.,
a i altooha, fa..
BOSTON, JACK & CO..
noLUDArsfima, pa
AISTKEJ^tB,
ji!(. "Bell, JohntUm, Jack £ Co.")
ARTS ON THE PRINCIPAL
lea. and Silrer and Gold for aale. Collection,
oneya. fecSired on depoaite, payable on demaint,
defeat, or upon time, with Internet at fkir rate*.
W. KESSLER— Al.
IUJDGQIST, reaoectltally annodacet
■p* of Altooua and the public
Bae etill oontinoea the Prof
Btreet, where he keepacooataatly
taaie. Wholesale and Retafl,DßtHJß,
88, CggIUCALB.OOB, TAKNlBH
rjtonßm. ” - .■
. attention to baalneaa, and a desire to render wt
lallaa tanarda price and quality, he hopeeto
tecetrea there or poblte patronage.
anp|i|l«d<mfeayn*ble t <-' l,J ‘-
LADYFRLENDS WOULD DO
tdioak in upon the choh«„«KlchMte aaaori
remer PlUCf* GOODS now dtentood «fo° ,h '
dtetreesf * NcWE*.
i Cor. oTTifttoWandCafellne et«
h>M *8,1*82.
AND LARD OILS, UA-M
-fluid, C«b«. I
AX
vtaud iuwrtßwat^
EKIJ4S.—A LA«aE ANH
■tr waortmeot »f Qrocoria* h«» "
«t»r>t of J. 9. H*WO* AN
... EAT, IUOXtf, SHAVE'
.*•* «ml TaraWi BriartSff^ijggLgii’-i
KINDS OF HUNTING
tELLAS AN® JPAJKASOI^
Ito «ri«y, labbhman s.
>«T 1.1M2. ■ ' _
STYLES CAUWSj
iiotbi can be fnqnd »i -J
NEttAL
iwrirjr, Bair and CWl>» Mjßiit'!
' ■ ' ;~. .—-
NE ABSOKTMJCNX
ba>b4teaßd«« lavaa*^.
1 -W
.Stetibc <
VOL. 8
STEAM WORKS
CORN BE OF
Market and Third Streets,
ZANESVILLE. OHJO.
ytT B ABE NOW TURNING OUT , A LARGE
T T number of our improved Portable Steam Engines.
A iill I’oruble Circular Saw Mills. as well as Stationary
'jitfinet and Saw Mills, man/of which are finding their
tuy into Blair.Cambtia, Huntingdon abd Crawford Conn*
xnd other parts of the State of Pennsylvania. Those
urfiiiiv received and in operation, are giving tile moat en
ure satisfaction. There is now hardly a State or Territory
m the Union, but that oar improved Portable Engines
Saw Mills arc in use in. All our Engins have Spark
Arrester Sucks on them which confine (he flying sparks.
We would respectfully refer you to the following gentle
» and Certificates for the portability, utility and prac*
i ill operations of our Portable Steam Engines and Saw
•I»' Im ;
iitssßs. J. & J. U. Duvall: —GttUlemen ;—We received
nr Twenty Horae Power Portable Engine and daw Mill,
hi j'lmdorder. We are perfectly satisfied with it; every-
UiiuL' works to our entire satisfaction—in fact beyond our
-'\pectatioD9. We sawed 4000 feet of white-oak boards to
five hours, and could have done mare in the some time,
nail we have bad good logs.
HV take pleasure in recommending those in want of
Mills and Engines to purchase of you.
Respectfully, C. REYNOLDS k E. A$DR£S£.
We are authorized to say, for Mr, Samuel Millikeu. o
liollidaysburg, Pa., that the 20 horse power Portable En
and Saw Mill wo sold him, bus fully met hi* ex pec
Tatioti and proved itself to bo all that was claimed fur it
n aur circular; and since starting It, has sent in bis
.inlet for a second Engine and Saw Mill, of same power
-mi size.
for further references, we will give the names of M.
; Dill and Thomas M’Aulley, Altoona, Pa.; A. L. Ilolli
iiv. Hullidaysburg, Pa.; M. M. Adams. Cresson. Pa.; W.
i Zeigier and Joseph 'S. Reed, Huntingdon. Pa.; Messrs,
•hirley. k Co.. Tyrone. Pa., all of whom have purchased
triable Steam imagines and Portable Circular Saw Mills
U'e fully warrant our Engines and Saw Mills, to be
ui>if of first-class material; workmanship the same;
*ith Brass Ball Valves in pumps and checks, and to saw
i»ra u.OOO to 10.000 feet of lumber per day—say 10 hours,
inters solicited. Description circular sent u< all cor
-'Poudent*. Respectfully,
.1. A J. U.DDVALL.
Corner Market and 3rd Streets,
just opposite C. 0. R. Road Depot, Zanesvilh*. Ohio,
jane 2,1863-4 m.
THIS WAY! THIS WAY!
JB. HILEMAN has just received a
• large and well selected ntock of Good*, consisting
of Cloths, Plain and Fancy Cassiiuerea, Satinetta, Ken
■ vrkv Jeans. Tweeds, Beaverteens, Bine Drilling, and all
■:ber kinds of Goods for
MEN AND BOYS’ WEAR,
together with a grand and magnificent assortment of
LADIES’ DRESS GOODS.
‘•"vi oi Black and Fancy Silks, C hollies. Bereges, Brilliants,
Lawns, Delaines, Chintz*, Deßegts , CrajKs. Prints.
( rape and Stella Shmols. Mantillas. Undersleeves and
Hosiery. Bonnets and Bibbens. Collars. Hand
kerchiefs. Kid Glares. Hooped Skirts, Skirt
ing, Lop* Mitts, etc.. tCc.
ALSO,
ckings, Checks, Bleached and Unbleached Muslins,
Cotton and Linen lable Diaper. Crash, Nankeen, Ac.
BOOTS AND SHOES,
HARDWARE,
•jr stock of Groceries is more extensive Yhan ever, and
□siats ofRIo and Java Coffee, Crushed. Loaf and X 0.
Migara; Green, Y. 11. and Black Teas; Molasses, Soaps,
Salt. Fish. Ac.
Thankful to the public for the very liberal patronage
heretofore received, he hopes by strict attention to bosh
“'6, and an endeavor to please, to merit a continuance of
fho same.
4®-Call and examine his Stock, and yon will be con
vinced th t he has the beet assortment and cheapest Goods
*n tbe-raarket.
Country Produce of all kind" taken in exchange for
market prices.
Altoona, April 28, 1863.
Hat & Cap Store.
r P H E PROPRIETOR OF THE
A “EXCELSIOR” HAT and CAP Store,
would inform his enstoment, ami the Public generally,
that he has Just returned from the city with the Urgest
and most varied stock of goods in bis line ever .brought to
Altoona, all of which be has now on exhibition uns sale at
his new store loom on Virginia street, next door to Jag.
zurd’s store. His stock embraces nil the latest styles of
HATS, J| CAPS,
MISSES’ FLATS, &C.
ilis Stock af Hats and Cam are of the very beat selection,
of evei y style, color and shape, for both old and young.
All be asks is that the people call and examine his stock,
tad he feels confident that he can send them away re
joicing. if not In the purchase of such an article as they
wanted, at the remembrance of haring looked upon the
lundsomest stock of Hats, Caps, Flats, Ac., ever exhibited
in this town.
I hare also on hand an entirely new stock of
Ladies’ and Childrens’ Hats and Flats,
which I am confident cannot be surpassed In the country,
ill of which I will sell at the moet reasonable prices. Re*
awmher the ilall of Fashion when you want anything In
the line of head covering, and call on
May 4. ? 6S-tf
New Drug Store.
C BERLIN & go;, ANNOUNCE TO
« the citizens of Altoona and vicinity that they have
opened a Drag and Variety Store in ■
WORK’S NEW BUILDING,
Virginia Street, between Julia and Caroline Streets,
DRUGS, CHEMICALS. DYE-STUFFS,
PATEST MEDICINES PERFUMERIES,
iM IKtS, OIL. GL A SS PUTTY.
sad ail other articles usually sold in the Drug business.
bull MEDICINES
ING A>
abobma>’'
are of the purest and uest quality, and onr Chemicals
boar (he marks Of the best manufacturers,
“sinters, (Hosiers, Builders and otters requiring to use
PAINTS, OILS, VARNISHES, TDRPESTINE,
"‘Bdow UUui.-Putty, Paint Bruthit, Suh Teats, sfc., «fc,
will find uumMortnirut to be of the
|SST QUALITY AND AX THE LOWEST PRICES.
The purest Wines and Liquors fur Medicinal. Mechani
c*inil iacramenpil purposes always instore.
, 111 orders correctly and promptly answered, and
fhriiciani Prescriptlona accurately compounded.
Altoona, May 13.1M5. f .
g-^’pDN
McCBUM & DERM
Muskingum Valley
Hartstowm, Crawford Co., Pa.,)
May 16th, 1863. /
0, YES! O, YES!!
NEW
SPRING & SUMMER GOODS,
QDEENBW ARE.
WOOD AND WILLOW WARE,
OIL CLOTHS, CAKPBTS. AC.
GROCERIES.
EXCELSIOR
SPRING AND SUMMER
where may be bad
THE ALTOONA TRIBUNE
E. B. McCRUH. H. C. DEBS
£Ol Tult h AXD PROPBIXTOEIi.
Per annua), (payable invariaMy in sl 60
All papers discontinued at the expiration of tbe time
paid tor.
1 insertion 2 do. 3 do.
Four lines or le« $ 26 $ 37i/« $ 60
• )0e Square, (8 line*.) sf. 76 1 00
Two " (10 *• ) 1 oo 1 60 2 00
Three •*. (24 - j 1 60 2 00 2 50
Over three weeks and lew than three months, 26 cents
per square for each insertion.
3 months 6 months. 1 year.
Six lines or less..., $ 150 $ 3 00 $5OO
One square 2 60 4 00 T 00
Two " ; 4 00. 6 00 10 00
Three “ 1 6 00 8 00 12 00
Four 6 00 10 00 14 00
Half a column 10 00 14 00 20 00
One column. 14 00 26 00 40 00
Administrators aod Executurs Notices 1 76
Merchants advertising by the year, three squares,
with liberty to change 10 oo
Professional or Business Cards, not exceeding 8 tines
with paper, per year.... 5 00
Communications of a political character or individual
interest, will be charged according to the above rates.
Advertisements not marked with the number of inser
tions desired, will be continued till forbid and charged
according to the above terms.
Business notices.five cents per line for every insertion.
Obituary notices exceeding ten lines, fifty cents a square
A SUMMER NICHT.
We sat together, you and 1.
That evening in the month of dune.
Beneath tbe porch; the deep blue sky
Held the sharp crescent of the moon.
8o mildly shone her silvery light
On the smooth lawn it seemed to sleep.
Sweet odors filled the Summer night
From fragrant gardens ankle dfep.
The honey-suckle, wet with dew.
Scattered her perfume on the air; i
Soft gales from spicy woodlands blew.
And toyed each moment with yooi hair.
And .now and then the drowsy herd,
From meadow pastures far and near.
Lowed dreamily ; the startled bird
Twittered the while; and sweet, clear.
The murmur of the cool, dark stream.
That woo’d with sung the heart of night:
And through the vines, a truant beam
Of moonlight kissed your neck «o white.
I held your render hand—we talked
About the future and the past;
Or sometimes down the path we walked
Beneath the lindens;-till at last.
The moon sank in the violet case.
Gilding the thin clouds a* she went
And on the lawn the shades increased
Till all the doubtful dusk was Mem.
When suddenly upi.n the night.
Near where the moon had sunk to rest.
Kindled a strange mysterious light
Behind the ragged mountains crest.
And up the glittering arch of blue.
And far across the billowy plain.
As through the air the meteor flew.
A ball of fire with streaming mane.
How wildly gleamed your startled eye,
How tight your fingers clasped my band.
As slowly in the western sky
’ it faded, leaving all the laud.
To darkness and the silent stars.
That night. Upon my restless bed
I tossed, iu dreams of cruel wars
And fields of battle strewn with dead.
Jftrtort HJiscdlauj).
LIZZIE DALE’S EXPERIMENT.
“If ever I marry,” said Bertha Drake,
and Bertha pitted her little foot upon the
floor most expressively as she spoke—“if
ever I marry,” she repeated, “ My husband
will do just as I wish him to do.”
“Perhaps he will,” returned Lizzie
Dale, with a quiet smile, “because you
would not of course, wish him to do any
thing to which he was really opposed.”
“I am not sure about that, Lizzie.
These men need to be governed some, 1
assure you, and if 1 am ever married my
husband will do as I tell him.”
“If you are ever married'?” repeated
Lizzie Dale, “ Why you are to be mar
ried very soon Bertha ”
“ Yes, 1 suppose 1 am ; but not until
I am assured that Mr. Henry' Wilder will
be a dutiful husband.”
“ I think there will be no danger about
that, for Henry has the name of being a
very kind, generous, noble young man.”
“ I know all that,” said Bertha, with
another very expressive pat of her foot;
“ but those qualities he gives for the
benoflt of all. He must have some
virtues for me alone.”
“ And what more can you expect *”
asked Lizzie, with a touch' of seriousness
in her manner?
\ il I tell you what,” returned Bertha,
with real determination. “In the first
place he shall leave off smoking. 0,1 do so
abominate that filthy tobacco. He must
promise me this. Then there are his
club meetings ; he goes there once a week,
ami spends half His lime there ; his “ Lit
erary Club,” he calls it, hut’s only for the
pui|K)Be of smoking tobacco, and telling
stories, that he goes there. He must put
a stop to that, too. In short, he wBl go
where I go.”
JESSE SMITH
Lizzie Dale smiled.
I’m in earnest, Lizzie,” continued
Bertha, “ and let me advise you to try
the same experiment. You, I suppose,
will be married as soon as myself. Now,
Mr. Sumner Dean smokes, and goes to
bis club, too ; and, it I’m nut much mis
taken, he will want to go to the theatre
once in a while without you. You’d bet
ter put your foot down before you are
TKDJtS OP ADVERTISING
ihoicr fcjtrj.
BY AUSTIN C. BURDICK,
ALTOONA, PA. WEDNESDAY. SEPTEMBER 16, 1863
married.” And again Bertha's foot came
down to give strength to her meaning.
For some moments 1 izzie Dale re
mained silent, Mie was a loving voting
girl, with a soft countenance, light brown
hair, and large lustrous, blue eyes. Ma
did not look as though she eonld have
faced a very heavy difficulty, but gradu
ally there stole over her countenance a
sort of determined expression, and, with
a meaning look, she said :
“Bertha, I shall try the experiment.”
“ Good!” exclaimed Bertha, clapping
her hands. “O, how we will teach
them.”
But little more was said by the Iwo
girls. Bertha Drake rattled away in her
usual happy, careless style, hut Lizzie was
thoughtful, and ere long they seperated.
It was but a few evenings later that
Sumner Dean called to see Lizzie. He
came to arrange for the marriage.
“Stop,” said Lizzie, after some of the
perliminaries had been arranged. She
looked sober and stern—a most strange
look for her. “ Stop,” she said, “ there
are a few things that I have never
spoken to you about.”
Ah!” uttered Sumner, with an ex
pression of surprise.
“Yes,” returned Lizzie, with slight
tremor ; “ you know I dislike the smell
of tobacco.”
“ I was not aware of it, Lizzie. You
have never mentioned it.”
“ Because it was not in my place ; but
now that we are to be married the case
is altered. You must promise that you
will leave off smoking.”
Now, Lizzie Dale was what the
world called rich, while young Dean hud
only an opening profession, with a bare
competency. Perhaps the young man
thought of this.
“ What else is there he at length
asked.
” You belong to one of the city clubs.”
" Yes ”
‘‘ 'J heir meetings continue till nearly
midnight.”
*• Yes.”
“ And you .-moke there, and tell sto-
ries.’
“ !-omet lines.”
•* Then you must promise me that you
will go to the club no more after we are
married: and you must promise me, too,
not to go to the theatre without I go.
too.”
“Are you in earnest, now. Lizzie?”
Ihe young man spoke with a tone and
look ot deep concern.
Certainly, 1 am,” returned Lizzie
“ Lizzie, 1 tear you do not rightly un
derstand me. i have sought you lor my
wife because I believed you to he a pure
minded, loving virtuous girl. I love you
with my whole soul, and I can give you a
whole generous heart, an honest name,
and an untarnished honor. If you be
come my wife, it shall be my highest aim
to make you happy: but if light whims
are to be set down as matters of grave
moment, and if pledges of future conduct
are to be given, then, I fear, we should
neither of us be happy; for in no way
can you sooner injure a husband than to
distrust him. _ All reasonable things I
will do to make you happy, but I cannot
promise you one thing you have just re
quired. Do not think me obstinate, but-
I should lose sight of my own just pride
were I to take the pledge you have just
mentioned.”
Sumner expected to have seen a dark
looking frown upon Lizzie’s face, but he
was surprised to see in the stead thereof
a bright, joyous, beaming, and half-roguish"
smile.
“1 havfe tried my experiment,” she
cried, as she laid a hand upon her lover's
shoulder, and I am happy in my success.
I knew you loved your social club meet
ings, for I have often heard you speak of
the intellectual treats you there received ;
and whatever may be the real character
of smoking, I knew’ it was a favorite
habit with you. If you had promised to
give these lip to please me I should have
thought you had not that manly indepen
dence that belongs to a noble hearted
man. 1 should fear that for the sake of
conciliating me, you would deceive me.
No, no Sumner, seek just such enjoyments
as your own good judgement shall tell you
are right, and fear not that I shall find
fault.”
Sumner Dean was a proud happy man,
and, at that moment, he took a silent
pledge —but one deep in his heart—that
he would never do a thing that would
make Lizzie unhappy.
Lizzie and Bertha had been married
nearly a year. One pleasant winter eve
ning Sumner Dean and his wife called at
the dwelling of Henry Wilder. They
entered and found Bertha all alone..
“ Where is Henry asked Lizzie, as
she laid off her things.
He has gone to his club,” returned
Bertha, in a low tone.
“ Then you remain here, and I will go
and bring him home, - ’ said Mr. Dean,
speaking to his wife. “Now that we
have come we must have his company.!’
Ab Simmer spoke he lelt the apart
ment.
“ All, Bertha,” said Lizzie, in a half-
rfNnri;KM)i.vr in everything.]
playful lone. " I thought you were go
ing to put a stop to this.”
j Bertha's eyes filled with tears, as she
'said; “ He did promise me, but he has
deceived me. And just smell the filthy
i tobacco smoke in this room, too. I wish
I bad never trusted him.”
“ Did.you ever trust him ?” asked Liz
zie. in a low meaning lone; “fully trust to
his manly honor and love ?”
W by, what do you mean, Lizzie?”
•• I mean to ask you if you ever trusted
Henry as a loving wife should trust a
loud husband. Did you ever give him
to know that you had the fullest confi
dence in his honor ?”
“ Certainly, I have,” returned Bertha
“ I hen.” said Lizzie, “ Henry has also
deceived me, lor I always thought him a
really kind hearted man.”
" Hut you see how- kind he is uttered
the afflicted wife “He promised me, be
fort' we were roamed, that he would cut
the club, and quit smoking ”
“Did Henry make these promises
freely ?”
“ He mode them.”
“ Ah, that may be ; but they were
forced, were (hey not?”
Bertha was silent.
“ Then, when he fell back after your
marriage, you were petulant, ami perhaps
accused him of deceiving you Y Let me
tell you the experiment I tried before I was'
married—you remember 1 promised to try
one.” And Lizzie related what the
reader already knows. ‘‘And ever since
my marriage I have pursued that course.
My husband knows I place entire confi
dence in him seeking only to make him
happy: the consequence is. he anticipates mt
in words of love and good will, lie some
times drops in to the club room, but he
never remains late. T his evening he
asked me il I had any other emgagemenl
tor him ; I told him I thought of visiting
you, but would put it off if he wished to
go to his club. But he would not think
of the club for a moment when I had an
engagement for him like this. Ah. Ber
tha, you know not what a jewel you may
be crushing in the heart of your husband.
1 rust him. Bertha. Make him feel that
you honor and respect him. Hark ! hen
they come. For Henry's sake ; for vom
sake, try my experiment.”
At that moment the (wo husbands en
tered the apartment. Henry’ Wilder
looked at his wife and found her in tears.
A oilier curl half gathered about his lips,
but the presence of his friends aroused
him to a sense of propriety, and he asked:
• Are you net well. Bertha ?” The fail
wife returned her husbands look, and pla
cing her arms around his neck she im
printed a trembling kiss upon bis lips.—
Henry Wilder was puzzled, but it was tin
happiest puzzle that ever fell to his
thoughts The evening passed on and
Bertha grew bright and sparkling in her
wit, while her husband seemed alinos!
bending beneath the weight of a new found
joy.
Months rolled on, and Bertha was a
happy wife ; she had found in Henry a
truly noble, kind hearted husband. The
lorger she lived the more reason she ban
to bless the time when she firist tried “ Liz
zie. Duite’s experiment.
Propriety. —Propriety is to a woman
what the great Koman critic says action is
to an orator ; it is the first, the second,
and the third requisite. A woman may
be knowing, active and amusing; but
without propriety she cannot be amiable.
Propriety is the centre in which all the
lines of duty and agreeableness meet. It
is to character, what proportion is to figure,
and frame to attitude. It does not depend
on any perfection, but it is the result of
general excellence.
It shows itself by a regular, orderly,
undeviating course; arid never starts from
its sober orbit into any splendid eccentrici
ties, for it would be ashamed of such praise
as it might extort by any deviations from
its proper path. It renounces all commen
dation but what is characteristic; and 1
would make it the criterion of true taste,
right principle anil genuine feeling in a
woman, whether she be less touched with
all flattery of exaggerated and rotriuntic
panegyric, than with that beautiful picture
of elegant propriety which Milton draws
of our first mother, whom he deliniates,
“ Those thousand decencies which daily flow
From all her words and actions.”
A jolly fellow had an office next
door to a doctor's- One day, an elderly
gentlemen of the old fogy school blun
dered into the wrong shop.
“Is the doctor in?”
“ Don’t live here,” said the lawyer who
was in full scribble over his documents.
“Oh! I thought this was his office?”
“Next door.”
“Pray sir, can you tell me has the
doctor many patients ?”
“Not living.?’
“The old gentleman told the story in
the vicinity,' and the doctor threatened
the lawyer with a libel suit.
A stagnant soul, like a stagnant
pool, breeds insects, and reptiles, and
slime. * ' ■ . ‘ i
LONG DRESqpe
The “Autocrat” of the Atlantic MonthJy
gets off the following: ■
“But confound the make believe
women we have turned loose in ourstreets,
where do they come from? Why there
isn’t a beast ora bird that would drag its
tail, through the dirt in the way'these
creatures do their dresses. Because a
queen or a dutchess wears long robes on
great occasions, a maid-of-all work, or a
tactory girl thinks she must make beraelt
a nuisance by trailing through the street
[licking up and carrying about with her—
bah 1 that's what I call.getting vulgarity
into your bones and marrow. Making
believe be what you are not is the essence
of vulgarity. '
Show over dirt is the one attribute o‘
vulgar people. If any man walk be
hind one of these women, and see what
she rakes up as she goes, and not feel
squeamish he has got a tough stomach.—
I wouldn’t let one of them into my room
without serving them as David did Saul
at the cave in the wilderness—cut off her
skirts!
Don’t tell me that a true lady ever
sacrifices the duty of keeping all around
her sweet and clean to the wish of making
a vulgar show. I won’t, believe it of a
lady.
There are some things which no fash •
ion ha* any right to touch, and cleanli
ness is one of these things.
if a woman wishes to show that her
tiusband or father has got money which
she wants and means to spend, but doesn't
know how, let her buy a yard or two ol
-ilk and pin it to her dress when she goes
out to walk but let her Unpin it before
she goes into the house there may be
some poor woman that will think it
worth disinfecting.
It is an insult to a respectable launderess
to carry such things into a house for her
to deal with.
An Bushman in Trouble. —During
the draft in the Fourteenth Ward, Phila
lelphia, a few days ago, an incident occur
red that gave rise to much merriment. In
the crowd there stood a pale-faced Irish
man with his hands crossed and arms behind
bis back. He gazed intently as each name
was drawn from, the wheel of destiny. Hi
bad not been heard to speak a word to
my body. Presently he appeared to be
ipenned upon by some unseen galvan'n
oattery. During his spasm he exclaimed
in an F sham tone; “ Wherl it round!
wherl it round! rouse if will ye!” shouted
the man. He was evidently full of dread
-uipense. ’
‘•What’s the matter with you?” said
the Provost Marshal.
“Oh, be jabers, turn it around a dozen
of limes, for that man you drawed last, is
my next door neighbor!”
At this point, the universal laugh come
in.
Life’s Happiest Period —Kingsley
gives his evidence on this disputed point.
He thus declares:
“ There is no pleasure that I have ex
perienced like a child's mid-summer holi
day—the lime, 1 mean, when two or three
of us used to go away up the brook, and
take our dinners, with us, come home
at night tired, dirty, happy, scratched be
yond recognition, with a greasy nosegay,
three little trout, and one shoe, the other
having been used for d boat, till it had
gone down with all hands out of sound
ings. How poor our Derby days, our
Greenwich dinners, our evening parties,
where there are plenty of nice girls, after
that! Depend upon if, a man never ex
periences such pleasures or grief after
fourteen as he does before, unless, in
some cases, in bis first love-making,, when
the sensation is new to him.”
O" A writer beautifully remarks that a
man’s mother is the representative of his
Maker. Misfortune and mere crime set
no barriers between her and son. While
Ids mother lives, a man has one friend on
earth who will not desert him when he i«
needy. Her affection flows from a pure,
fountain, and ceases only at the ocean of
eferfiity.
patriotic writer who is of the opin
ion that ladies of the present day would
make good soldiers, because the dtess they
wear by day they might make a good tent
of at night
tSt “ I am astonished, my dear young
lady, at your sentiments; you make me
start.” “Well, sir. I have been wanting
you to start for the last half hour.”
tat If it be difficult to rule thine anger it
is wise to prevent it; avoid, therefore, all
occasions of falling into wrath, or guard
thyself against them whenever they occur.
*j* When we record our angry feelings
let it be on the snow, that the first beam
of sunshine may obliterate them forever.
tat Embrace as many opportunities as
you please, but only one woman.
EDITORS AND PROPRIETOR.
Producing a SißsmTunt.—Editors,
like other shrewd men, must live with
their eyes and ears open. A good stoty
is told of one who started a paper in
a Western town.
The town was infested' by gamblers,
whose presence was a source of annoyance
to the citizens, who told the editor, if he
did not come oat against him they would
not take the paper. He replied that he
would give them a “ smasher” the next
day. f?ure, enough his next issue con
tained the promised “smasher,” and ob
the. following morning the redoubtable
editor, witn scissors in band, was, seated
in his sanctum, when in walked a large
man with a club in his hand, who de
manded to know if the editor was inf
“ No, sir,” was the reply; “ho has
stepped out. Take a seat and read the
paper— he will return in a minute.”
Down sat the indignant man of cards,
crossed his legs, and commenced reading a
paper. In the meantime the editor quietly
vampoosed, mid at the landing be met an
other man with a cudgel in his hand, who
asked if the editor was in.
“Yes. sir,’* was the prompt x response;
you will And him seated up stair, read
ing a newspaper.”
The latter, on entering the room, with
a furious oath, commenced a violent as
sault upon the former, which was resisted
with equal ferocity. The fight continued
till both rolled to the foot of the stairs,
and pounded each other to their hearts
content
Philosophic. — " First class in philoso
phy, come up. Ichabod, what s are the pro
perties of heat V’
“ Thei properties of heat is to bake bread
boil water, cook eggs, and—
“ Stop—next. What are the propert
ies of heat V
“ The properties of heat is to warm
your toes when they get cold, by holding
them to the tire, add so forth.”
“ Next.”
“ The chief proprieties of heat is that
expands bodies, when cold contracts
them ”
‘•Very good. Solan. Can you give me
an example?”
“ Yes, sir ; in summer, when it, is hot,
the days arc long—and ift winter, when
it is cold, the days get to be very short.”
“Go to the head, Solan. Boys, take
your seats.”
And the learned pedegogue was lost in
he wonder that so familiar an illustra
ion had escaped his philosophic mind-
~”A Parallel.—Beauregard’s bombastic
protest against the bombanlment of Chalet
ton has led to the publication of the fol
lowing historical parallel:
In 1812 Marshall Geard, commanding
the French, bombarded Antwerp with
twenty-inch mortar shells, against which
Baron Chasse, commanding the defences,
entered the following protest:
“ In the name of humanity, Christi
anity and the good burghers of Antwerp,
I protest against the atrocity of employing
bomb-shells of the unexampled diameter of
twenty-four inches! 'ihe largest bomb
shells known to civilized war—these
seldom used, and scarcely sanctioned by
Christianity—have a diameter of thirteen
inches. I announce to you that if yon
tire any more of these, monstrous twenty
four inch missiles, I shall at once sur
render the city, entering my protest
against ypujn the name of humanity, and
appealing to God, my government, and
the Christian world to deny you the least
honor from a victory so infamous.’’
A Mathematician being asked by a
stout fellow:
“If two pigs weigh twenty pound? bow
much will a stout hog weigh ?”
The mathematician replied—‘
“ Jump into the scales, and I will tell
you immediately
Reading.—The pf
is among the greatest consolations of life ;
it is the nurse of virtue, the upholder in
adversity, the prop of independence, the
support of elevated opinion?; it is the re
peller of the scoff and the knave’s poison.
■pr “My wife,” raid a wpg the ejtber
day, “ came near calling me honey last
Saturday night”
“ Indeed now how was that?”—-Why
she called me old beeswax.”
:«r The buromv heart like a feather bed,
must be roughly bodied, well ehaksn,
and exposed to a variety of turns, to pre
vent it becoming hard.
The most tender hearted.man we
ever heard of was a'shoemaker, who al
ways shut his eyes and whistled what he
ran his awl into a sole.
Or Plato being told that some enemies
had spoken ill of him, said: “It ntafters
not; 1 will endeaver so to live, that no
one sbaH believe them.” ‘
are the eyebnjws like mis-
i y-'\ i
• 4
NO. SO: