to
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;/i \ ,■ Switfl.am,
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f-.W’J gSl*
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iiv • • : • • . - • -,W •« £
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.RDr KVJSR ONWARD!
|p»: BY'- isgpiEip.i::
DERSIG.NED DESIRES TO
n>M customer* sod tb» pnbffcnn>*r*lTv
iJjWj* gone into the Dry Oobd'S2Sne«J
i«reJ » Urgoand entireljraewstoCk of
'©ss ooods ■
nil lbeUt**t,'prrMcst«ad nuw
ON ABLE PATTERNS,
ith W V found good..
Inch it wotalil h* too feMilocu.to ratunerat*
IjHiw of purr, fresh, and eEesp L.
EBBS & PROVISIONS
i;k uo.l»r" to nay at wuojapetiton. In
|:I fedonre that I ranxendw irtlrtiction
IfMmfry. produce taken' tn exchange for
l%he*t market price alhmed. '
irnnifp of Annie and Helen street*, Kjwt
THOMAS HEg LOP.
ainte.
A GOB WETS,
AND CONFECTIONER,
Ifcaati* Smn. AitO o»a, Pa.,
CONSTANTLY ON SAND
MX Cakes, candies
3S ; ■ C-ttJbiAl/r
KATB.of hi,To»Ti nanntetßr*,. which fa.
Of rftidl. at the mini tewoh-
RMtWtiS FRUITS, rach u
LEMONS, PINE-APPLES,
ss, Raisins, nuts, *c., ac.
shelr respective mwm.
RAKED TO ORDER,
aefoiia; on short notice and in the neat
of-tfce art. ' •- ■ '
Mid price my «tock «mt jen will find
**Rk* cun be-pprcb*»ed rieewbtre.
EETTINGER’S
li sews Agency.
h. No. MAIN- STREE'J
BOOKS, BLANK BOOKS,
!»Y. CONFECTIONARIES
& TOBACCO,
MOTIONS IK greaT yakiett
l-XStAMtLT ON H*S».
LOYD & COv
AITOOifJ, JU,
ON. JACK & ,CO.,
BOLLWAYSBUBS. PA.
3STKEBS.
m, Muulo*. S** t Co.”)
S ON TAB PRINCIPAL
SUter sad OoU for afe CWtaeUon.
welted on dtiatta, amw on donunn,
w apoe time, with lofereet *» foir r»t*«.
ssau^agi
yAaSam-§/tS^
to borine**, Ud a <k»ir« tarwj&r “*•
jranpthTrtttwdea
cwupwroited. U-°-
'MT
x WQDLDDO
Mid
fo*W«6qM'Bow dliptoetfnp o ?. »*
t~ jtjkphy *«<>«*£ „
Cor.ofTlrgißl»«odCiWtee»“
tMfo ■ ‘
a* LARD OILS, €Ail-
MMfcM, (Mon
• AT
M»ut>nient"of
ES. A LAEQJS
DrtSwMi vtOnenrim Mn W jjjg."
kT, TOOT#, SHAVDG-
>8 m PKIN3?W
.AS AND PABASOLS
iHMy, a 1 ‘
B 8 CAKFKTINO^AND
tAL ASSORT.
iUf ttd ttfIUMW
mo\
\ -\ x -^
' *?***
McCBUM & DERN,
VOL. 8.
Muskingum Galley
<TEAM WORKS
Market and Third Streets, |
ZANESVILLE, OHIO.
IT'eABE NOW XOBNING ODT A LARGE
ff number of our improved Portable Steajn Engines.
fil J I'ortable Circular Saw Mill*, as well as Stationary
tugioes sad Saw Mills, many of which are finding their •
(;l into Blair. Casnbi ia, Huntingdon and Crawfevd Cosm*
4, sad other parts of the State of Pennsylvania^. Tboee
.IresdV received and in operation, are giving the most l»n-
K . M t/sfiicu'on. There is now hardly a State or Territory
-ibe Calon, but that Engines
.:i4 saw Mills are in have Spark,
t ureter Stacks on them^DKtk^^a&ae piefiy fo g sparks.
We wooi4 respectfully rolwjeufcutbe following gentle
B?ii <^D^ c ’
iiJs: '/ ~
lUETaio*K,CiawfesvtGo ,
;
ll* Derm*: , (kntUaun r—WArecelved
jr Tweatr E[6W.JpFW«F and Saw Mill.
u guuiptot. with Jt;every
hiiy works to ooraotire sttfofcfl tpn~injEgt hWßbd our
xpecUtiow. We sawed 4000 fiet of wli|jililß|.lwrda in
wYours, and could have done mare In the sometime.
n*d mt have had g"od logs. *
Retake pleasure io recommending those in want of
*i* Mills and Engines to purchase of you.
Respectfully, C. REYNOLDS A £. ANDRESS,
ffe are authorised to say, for Mr. Samuel Miillken,
■WUiiaysburg, Pa., that the 20 horse power Portable JJn
:,t« aud Saw Mill we sold him, has folly met hl« expec
■.uva and proved itself tube all that was claimed fur it
i: cor circular; and since starting it, has sent in his
.■del for a second Engine and Saw Mill, of same power
i&J »ize.
for further references, we'Will give the names of M.
Dill and Thomas M’Aolley, Altouna, Pa.; A. L. Holli
iiiv. Hullidaysbarg, Pa,: M. M. Adams, Cresson. Pa.: W.
i Zeigler and Joseph S. Reed, Huntingdon. Pa.: Messrs.
Ihrley. A Co.. Tyrone, Pa.. all of whom liaye purchased
Portable Steam Engines and Portable Circular Saw Mills
We fully warrant our Engines and Saw Mills, to: he
i»de of first-class material; workmanship the saine;
Aiik Brass Ball Valves in pumps and checks, and to saw
,rjm 5,000 to 10.000 leet of lumber per day.
Orders solicited. Description circular sent to all cur
■espoudents. Respectfully,
J. AJ. U.DUVALL,
Corner Market and 3rd Streets,
just opposite C. O. R. Road Depot, Zanesville, Ohio.
18634 m.
0, YESf O, YES!!
THIS WAY! THIS WAY!
NEW
SPRING & SUMMER GOODS.
I B. HILEMAN has just received a
*1 • Isrge and well ’elected stock of Goods, consisting
; Cloths, Plain and Fancy Cassmieres, Satioetts, Ken
-jcky Jeans, Tweeds, Beavertecns. Blue Drilling, and all
-*ber kinds of Goods for
MEN AND BOYS’ WEAR,
together with a grand and magnificent assortment of
LADIES’ DRESS GOODS,
wcA as Rack and Fancy Silks, ChalUes , Bertges, Brilliants ,
Uvms, Delaines , Chinlzs, Dtßtgts, Crapes, PHnte,
r rape and SteQa Shawls, ManUßas , Undersleevcs and
Hosiery, Bonnets and Ribb&tu, Collars, Hand
kerchiefs. Kid (Saws. Hooped Skirts. Slirf.
ing. hoot Mitts, dr.., dr.
ALSO,
ickiogn, Checks, Bleached and Unbleached Muslins,
Cotton and Linen table Diaper. Crash, Nankeen, Ac.
BOOTS AND BUOKS,
i QUEENBVARB,
WOOD AND WILLOW WAKE,
OtL CLOTHS, CARPETS. AC.
GROCERIES.
to«ockof Qnceriee is more extensive than ever, and
'oasists of Rfo and’Ja vajpoffee, Crushed, Loaf and N 0.
J °fws: Green, Y. D. nu<! Black Teas; Molasses. Bcapa,
Salt, Ffeh. Ac., \
Tlufckfal to the public for the very liberal patronage
•eretofore received, he hopes by strict attention to busi*
'“**• and an endeavor to please, to merit continuance of
l “ same. x
,t9*Call and examine his Stock, and you will be cod
'o<vd th >t he has the best assortment and cheapest Goods
tkp market.
V Country produce of all kinds taken in Tor
•oo* at market pried*.
Aluvma. April 28,1888.
EXCELSIOR
Hat & Cap Store.
The proprietor of the
A, ‘.EXCELSIOR" HAT and CAP Store,
’Old isiorni aw ctmtonpem, and the Public 'generally.
,!u J J .he Majatt returned from the city with (he largest
■~'t most varied stock of good**'in lifs Hue ever brought to
'Stoona, all of which he has now on exhibition and saleiat
< new store toom:pn Virgiijia atreet. next door to Jog
a store. HIS stock embraces all the latest styles of
SPRING AND SUMMER
HATS, J| GAPS,
MISSES’ FLATS, &C.
; Stock of Hats and Capa aife of (he very beat selection,
otp, y style, color and ahajxkfor both old and young.
Alt be asks is that the peeplecaU And examine his
«ad he feels confident that he can send them avay re*
’ lciß 2. If not in the sack an article as they
at the remembrance of. having loqked apon the
trimmest stock of Hats, Caps, ftats, erer exhibited
• wii town, !
1 hare also on Rand an entirely new stock of
Udies* and Childrens’ Hats and Fiats,
I am conMeqt cannot be soipeased in the connlijy,
, ?» ’ »hlch 1 wifi well at the mot: reasonable prfcee; He*
the (Jail of Faahion when you went anything In
nae of heatfeofertej&aod callon
T ew Drug Store.
$ BERLIN & CO., ANNOUNCE TO
• toe cltinpa of Altoona and vicinity that they have
a Drag and Variety Htore in
work’s New building,
' lr yinia Street, between Julia and Caroline Streets,
■where mm'y be h*d
CBEMWALS, DYE-STUFFS,
MgDJcafss, pjutpimwfuf,
‘■*INTS, OU, GLASS, PUTTyT
« »d Other artlciee anally sold in the Drag boiineef.
OUlt MEDICINES
and oar Chemical.
»«t maoghctnprrv.
pai'vtj vm Bulldw* and 9tben wqnlrinc to use
Br^! a > ** **».«£ <fe„
Bk<t> of (he
A!fD AT TBB WvAbjom. !
til J"* 1 Wine* and Llqnora for hMfefttiE&echaai.
*“ f * n >«< , tal parpoeeB alwaye taatdre. ”X
and promptly anewered. an*
liwff s”■wythwa aeentately eompoondod, V [
.'"**** **y xS» IMS.
COANHBOF
JRSSB •SMITH.
THE ALTOONA TRIBUNE.
E. B. MeCBUU. - - - - - H. C. DEHX
EDITORS AND PBOPEItTORS
Per umum, (payable invariably in advance,) ;$1 6b
All papers (ttacontituied at the expiration of cheHiat
paid tor.
Turns or advutuihg
1 insertion 2 do. S do
Four linos or 1eid..... $ 26 $ 37)* $ 6t
One Square. (S line*) 60 76 1 0t
Two •*. (16 M ).*. 100 160 200
Three •• (24 “ ) 160 200 2So
Oyer three weeks and leas than three months, 26 cent*
per Square for each insertion.
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Six lines or less - ....$ 160 $3OO $5 00
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. Administrators and Kxecntvrs Notices 176
Merchants adverti-intf by ibe year, three squares,
with liberty 4u change...... 10 0(.
Professional or finstaess Cards, notexoeeding B'lines
with paper, per year 6 00
Commnnicatioos of -a political character or individual
interest, will he charged according to the above rates.
idverdsemeßU Dot marked with the number of inser
tions desired. Drill be,continued till forbid and charged
according to the above terms.
Business notices five cents per line for every insertion.
Obituary notice* exceeding* tea lines, fifty cents a square.
®koicr fcftrß.
whs* this oaecL was is OVER.
BT OHABUB o. uwns.
Dearest lowa, do you remember.
. When tfeisst did meet.
How yon'iold me I bat-yon loved me.
Kneeling at ay feet?
Ob I how proud yon stood before me,
In your suit of blue,
Whenyou vowed to me and country,
Ever to be true.
Chorus.—Weeping, sad and lonely.
Hopes and fears how vain!
Yet praying,
When this cruel war is over.
Praying that we meet again.
When the summer breeze is sighing
Mournfully along;
Or when autumn leaves are foiling.
.Sadly breathes the song.
Oft in dreams I see thee lying
On the battle plain,
Lonely, wounded, even dying
Calling, but in vain.
Chorus.—Weeping, sad, Ac.
, If amid the din of battle,
Nobly you should foil,
Par away from those who lovejy ou,
None to hear you call—
Who would whisper words of comfort.
Who would soothe your pain ?
Ah 1 the many cruel fancier
Ever in my brain.
, Bui our country called you, dkrling.
■ ~ Angels che|r your way ;
While our nation’s son* are fighting.
We can only pray.
Nobly strike for God and liberty.
Let all nations «ee
How we lore our starry banner
Emblem of the free.
Chorus.—Weeping sad, Ac.
Jriwt
QUEER CANDIDATE EOS CHTTECH
MEMBERSHIP.
“Old Steve or “Lying Steven,” as
be was famnliarly called, by virtue of a
strong original genius, and an indefatiga.
ble perseverance and application, had ac
quired the reputation of being the greatest
liar that ever existed in the State of .
Wherever he made his appearance, there
fore, at muster or training, he was sure
to be surrounded by a host of eager listen
ers. Re greatly excelled the renowned
Munchausen, who simply told extravagant
stories, and sometimes blundered on the
truth. Steve, on the other hand, never
told a word of truth,, even by mistake, in
all bis life, and lied circumstantially and
in every particular, i In’short, it came to
him as naturally as eating and drinking,
or rather as breathing, for he not only
lied to listeners, but when he bad no other
person- to lie to, he would tell lies to him
self, just to keep his hand in. This fact
was ascertained beyond any doubt by his
denying it in the most solemn manner
when somebody accused him of the prac
tice. .
It was Mr. Stevens’, misfortune, one
time, to lose a good deal of money on a
horse race.- This made him feel uncom
monly serious; so he went to a camp
,meeting, which was held about five miles
from his residence, to see if he couldn’t
make up a little by “shaking props” with
the boys. They happened, however, to
be too much for him; that time, mid he
was completely clearied out. This made
him, if possible, feel more serious, than
ever, and as there happened to he a pow
erful preacher there, who could make
himself heard at the distance of a mile, he
thought he would turd over a new leaf at
once. When he got home, therefore, the
first thing he did was to send for a min
ister. The worthy man came, and to
his extreme amazement,' found that Ste
vens wanted to join the church.
“ I have no hesitation in laying your
proposition before the brethern,” said the
good old main; trying to smother a laugh.
“Of course yon haven’t,” responded
with great confidence.
“And if you could give satiafactoiy
evidence of amendment, Mr. Stevens,”
continued the minister, emphasizing the
word, “ they might take you on probation
at any rate, we haw a meeting to-night!
and 1 can let you know to-morrow.”
“ Probation be d—dogged!” ejaculated |
Steve, as the minister hastily retreated, i
ALTOONA, PA. ; TUESDAY, AUGUST 4, 1868
“why can’t they let me join at once
while I feel like it?”
The proposition, -as might have been
expected, created a real sensation. There
was hardly a member of the church, male
or female, who had not, at sometime or
other, been victimized by Stevens’ slander
ous tongue, and they could hardly hear
his name with patience. Some of them
went so far as to say if he joined they
would leave ; and that settled the matter,
for they were among tiie “forehanded mem
bers,” who could afford to speak out be
cause the church couldn't afford to lose
them.
However, to avoid any trouble with
an unscrupulous fellow tike Steve, it was
resolved to break the matter to him as
gently as possible. Two of the most re
spectable men in thi church were ap
pointed to call upon him, and it was
.generally understood that such was then
known mildness of disposition, that every
possible excuse consistent with truth
would be made for not receiving him
’1 he rest of the story must be told in
Steve’s own words:
“ When old Deacon Peabody came
along, 1 sot in the back door whitlin' a
hoe handle, and 1 hope to suffer if I wasn’t
mad enough to rare right up. A cousin
of my wife’s, whose sister was a member,
had come over airly and told us all about
it."
“Good mornin’, Mr. Stevens," says
the old hypocrite, with a face as long as
a yard of pump-water.
“1 said nothin’, but kept on whitlin’."
“I came down to see you this morning,”
says he.
“ Well," says 1,
looks ,
“Oh," says he, “what I mean is that
I came down to labor with you.”
“Work away, then, why don’t you?”
was all he gut out ot me.
“But, Mr. Stevens," said he very sol
emnly, “ the church sent me down here
to talk with you a minute.”
“ Well,” you’ve been talkin’ for more’n
five minutes, Deacon Peabody,” says 1,
and you’ve said nothing yet; now, when
are you goin’ to begin !”
The old Israelite looked almost mad
enough to bite my head off, at a snap;
but he tho’t it best to 'keep cool, so he
drew a long breath and went on :
“ Nobody wants to hurt your feelings
or make any trouble, Mr. Stevens ; but
the church have come to the conclusion
that, perhaps, on the whole, under the cir
cumstances. and in view of everything,
it might possibly be best all around, and
taking all things into consideration, for
you not to be hasty in appylin’ jist at
at present. They think on mature re
flection that it might be as well if you’d
conclude to postpone it a little while, say
a year or eighteen months.”
“ They dew ? Wall, now, Deacon, what
makes ’em think so ? The church ain’t
full, is it ?”
“ This was a hard question. <• The old
sarpint knew very well that it wouldn’t
answer to say lie didn’t know, for he
knew fast entilf— and knew that 1 knew
he did. So says he—
“ Mr. Stevens, I’m sorry you’re so riled
about it—you’ve no occasion—l didn’t
come to otfend you, but you know as well
as 1 do why the church don’t accept you.”
“If I knew I wouldn’t ask you to tell
me, Deacon Peabody.”
‘•Wall,” says he, “don’t you know
what large stm-ie* you’re in the habit of
tollin’ ?”
“ Who says 1 tell large stories says
I; it ain’t the truth, and jon can,t prove
it ain’t. Now ain’t it a shame, Deacon,
for a man like you to go round scanda
lizin’ a neighbor that way * What story
did you ever hear of mine that wasn’t
true? Come, lay your finger on the first
st,.ry, and I won’t say another word.”
“ Why, there’s so many on ’em,” ans
wered the Deacon, “ that it’s a’raost im
possible to specify any one in particular.
But now I think on it; don’t you re
member that story you told about your
father’s bein’ killed by a bear ?”
“My father’s bein’ killed by a bear ?”
jays I; there it is now! That is jist’the
way folks lie about me ! It’s an untruth,
like the rest yn ’em, and you ought to be
ashamed- Deacon Peabody, to be runnin’
round to.wn, fellin’ things that ain’t so!”
“ Well,” said he, pretty short, “ you’ve
made them ’are observations about often
enough i if you didn’t say your father
was killed' by a bear, what was it you did
say ?”
“I’ll-tell you. I said, ‘that father
was one of the fir«t men to bring sheep
into this ’ere town,’ and. that is no story,
is it.” ’
“ No,” said he, “ it ain’t.”
“Ahd one day I said that he lost one
i of them ’are sheep in the woods; and
I that is likely, if it ain’t true—and when
j he was it, I said he came
{ across a bear. The bear growled at dad,
: and dad hojlcred at the bear, and finally
i the beast came at him, and tore all his
insides out, and then your father, Deacon
Iteabody, who was a respectable man, sir*
f and never would ’agone about towd scan-
I dalizin, his neighbors—your father heard
[INDKPENX>KNT JN £VKRVTHIXG. j
“ how do you like my
| my father holler, and came up, and seein’
j how matters stood, ran for the doctor.”
| “ When the doctor came, the fust thing
that he did was to catch a sheep and cul
its insides out. and put them in the plac*
uf dad's, and I never said dad was killed
by a hear! No,sir !'I told the naked
truth I said he grew as well as ever he
was, except that he hankered after hay all
the winter, and had wool enough grown
to make him an overcoat in the spring
You don,t call that a large story, 1 hope.
If you won’t let'a fellet jine the church
because he tells the truth, you won’t find
many decent members, I guess!”
“The old man riz rite straight and
walked away without sa) in’ anothei
word- What he thought I never could
learn, for the old Christian hain’t opened
his head to me since.”
HOW HE GOT A SUPPER,
A few months since, a man, who called
himself a conjurer, entered a tavern in a
country town, and asked the company who
were assembled in the bar-room if they
would like to witness one of his tricks.—
The fellow looked cold and hungry, so tin
landlord gave assent, and stated that hi
knew a few tricks himself, and had seen n
great many wonderful ones. The conju
rer then requested the company to place
three hats upon the table, which being
done, he desired the landlord to bring a
loaf of bread, and the stranger cut out
three pieces, (nearly half a pound each;
and placed one upon each hat . He Then
slated' that he could do the trick much
more comfortably to himself if he had three
pieces of cheese. Ihe cheese being broughi
he cut three good sized pieces and placed
one by each piece of bread. Now was thi
grand trick. The conjurer turned up the
cuffs of his coat, took off his neck-hand
kercliK-f and unbuttoned his shirt-collar
and stated that he would now proceed to
eat the three pieces of bread and afterward>
bring all under one hat. He commenced
eating the bread and cheese, and atter eat
ing two pieces he could not proceed witii
the third and finish the trick, unless he
bad something to drink. The landlord,
wishing that the wonderful trick should hi
proceeded with for the amusement of hb
customers, immediately proceeded to give
the. fellow a quart of ale ; and the third
piece of bread and cheese soon followed
the first two pieces. Now the grand trick
was to he disclosed, and the landlord and
his companions axiously waited to see it.
The conjurer said, “ now, gentlemen, which
hat shall I bring the bread and cheese
under V
The landlord pointed out his own hat,
wishing to take part in the trick as well
as his bread and cheese. It I wing so ar
ranged, the conjurer again said, “gentle
men, I have eaten the bread and cheese,
and now I will bring it under the land
lord’s hat,” and he immediately placed the
hat upon his head and continued, “ now
you will perceive that it is under the hat
without any deception.”
There were shouts of laughter from all
the company except the landlord, who was
minus three pieces of bread and a quart of
vie. '
The fellow left the bouse without ma
king a collection of the company, he being
well satisfied with the londlord’s gener
osity.
An Accomodating Judge. —Judge H
, of Missouri, was an accommodating
man, but he would drink more than was
beneficial for his head, or the bench upon
which he sat. On one occasion, after his
appointment, business called him to Lib
erty, and while there, meeting with many
of his old associates at the bar, be got
into a convivial mood, which lasted sev
eral days, and on going out he looked
rather worse for wear. In crossing the
river at Owen's Landing, there was a boat
discharging freight, and in great haste
for fear that another boat would pass that
just hove in sight.
T he clerk sang out:
“ I say, old man cah’t you lend the
men a hand in taking off that furniture ♦
I will pay you well for doing so, and
double filly in the bargain.”
“ Oh. yes,” said the judge always ready
to help in time of need,
“ Then turn in and be quick,” said the
clerk.
The first thing was a marble-top bureau
In going off the plank the judge slipped,
and the clerk roared out:
“There now, throw that info the river,
will you ?•”
“ Certainly,” stud the judge, and giving
a kick with the order, overboard it went.
“ Helloa! what is that for?” said the
clerk.
“ I always obey orders when I work
for a man,” said the judge.
“ Leave," said theclerk.
“ Agreed,” said the judge.
‘JAVIio is that man?” said theclerk.
“That is judge H——, of the fith
Judicial District of Missouri,” said a by
ttander.
“ Let go that line!” cried the clerk, and
the boat put into the stream at its highest
rate of speed.
the Hardest mode to die
To be shot dead is one of the,easiest
nodes of terminating life; yet, rapid as i
is, the body has leisure to feel and "reflect
On the first attempt, l>y one of thefranlh
idherents of Spain, to aasasinate William
Prince of Orange, who took the lead in
the revolt of the Netherlands, the bah
passed through the bone of the face and
brought him to the ground. In theinslant
oreoeding stupefaction, he was: able, to
frame a notion, that the ceiling of the
room had fallen and crushed- him- Thi
•imnon-shot which plunged into the brail
>f Charles XII, did not prevent him from
seizing his sword by the hilt. Tlieidea o
tn attack, and the necessity of defence,
was pressed upon him by a blow which wc
should have supposed too tremendous U
leave an interval of thought, But it by
no means follows the indicting of fatal vi
olence is followed by a pang. From what
is known of the first effect of gun-shot
wounds, it is probable that the impression
is stunning rather than acute. Unles?
death be immediate, the pain is as varied
as the nature of. the injuries, and these an
|iast counting up. but there is nothing
-ingular in the dying sensation,though
•ord Byron remarked the physiological
peculiarity that the expression is invaria
bly that of languor, while in dentil from a
-tab, the countenance reflects the traits oi
natural character, of gentleness or ferocity
to the last breath. Some of these cases are
of interest, to show with* what slight dis
turbance life may go on under a mortal
wound, till it finally comes to a sudden
stop. A foot-soldier at Waterloo* pierced
by a musket-ball in the hip, begged watet
.»f a trooper, who chanced to possess a can
teen of beer. '1 he wounded man drank,
returned his heartiest thanks, mentioned
that his regiment was nearly exterminated,
and having proceeded a dozen yards on
his way to Ihe rear, fell to the earth, and
witli one convulsive movement of his limbs,
concluded his career. “But his voice,’'
says the trooper, who hints. If tells the
story, -gave scarcely the smallest sign ol
weakness.” Captain Basil Hall, who in
early youth was at the battle of Quruna,
has singled out, from the confusion winch
consigns to oblivion the woes and gallan
try of war, another instance, extremely
similar, which occurred on that occasion.
An old officer, who was shut'in the head,
arrived pale and faint at the temporary,
hospital, and begged the surgeon to look
as his wound, which was pronounced mor
tal. “Indeed I feared so,” he responded
with impatient utterance, “and yet 1
should like, very much to live a little longer,
if it were possible.” He laid his sword
upon a stone at his side, “ as gently,” says
Hall, “as if its steel had been turned to
glass,” and almost immediately sunk dead
on the turf.
Hebrew Names with English Ac
cents —Some young ladies who had been
attending an evening party, desired to re
turn home, but had no male attendant.
The master of the house requested his
son to accompany them, and made use oi
a scripture name. What was it
Jereboam—Jerry, beau ’em.
Jerry proving reluctant, the gentleman
desired another sou to act as escort. What
scripture name did he utter?
Lemuel-r— Lem you will.
Still there was a difficulty, and a like
request was made in a similar manner to
another sori. What was it?-
Samuel—Sam you will.
Samuel having consented, the party
took their seats in a sleigh for the pur
pose of going home. It was found there
was plenty of room for one more; What
scripture name did the old gentleman use
to induce another son to accompany the
guests i
Benjamin—Ben jam in.
The driver was requested to start in
another scripture name. What was it ?
Joshua—Jos away. ■
When the sleigh was fairly off it was
discovered that one of the young ladies,
had been left behind. There was no pos
sibility of recalling her companions, so the
old gentleman asked still another of his
sons to condole the young lady ; for her
disap|X)intment. What was the last scrip
ture name used ?
Ebenezcr—Eben, ease her.
W A good-looking fellow was charged
with stealing a watch. It was the' first
offence, and he was reany to plead guilty.
'1 he magistrate asked him what had in
duced him to commit the theft. . 'J he
young man replied that, “ having, been
ill for some time, the doctor advised him
to take something, which he accordingly
did.” The magistrate was rather pleased
with the humor of the thing, and naked
what led him to select a watch. “ Why,!’
said the prisoner, “ I thought if I only
took time , that Nature would work a
cure!”
Put your tongue out a little far
ther,’’ said a physician to a femalepatient;
“a little farther ma’am, if you please—a
little farther still.” “Why doctor do you
think there is no end to a woman's tongafe?”
said the lair invalid.
EDITORS AND PROPRIETORS
EDITIKG A PAPER.
If the paper contains too much political
natter, people won’t have it
If it contains too little, they don't
.vant it.
If the type is large it don’t
■nougli reading matter.
If the type is email, people can’t read it.
If we publish telegraph reports, people
•ay they are nothing but lies.
If we omit them, they say we have no
mterprise, or suppress them for political
dfect.
If we have in a'few jokes, folks say we
ue nothing but a rattle-head.
If wo omit jokes, they say we are an
•Id fossil.
If wepublish original matter, they find
fault with us for not giving selections.
If we publish selections, folks say we
are lazy for not Writing more, and giving
■ hern what they have not read before in
oine other .paper.
If we give a man complimentarynotices,
we are. censured for being partial.
If we do nut, all hands say we are a
greedy hog.
If we insert an article which pleases the
ladies, the men become jealous.
If we do not cater to their wishes, the
paper is not fit to have in the house.
If we attend church, they say it is only
for effect.
If we do not they denouce us as deceit
ful and desperately wicked.
. If we speak well of any act of the Pres
ident, folk say we dare nut do otherwise.
If we censure, they call us a traitor.
It we remain in the office and attend to
our business, folks say we are too proud to
mingle with our fellows.
If we go out. they say we never attend
to our business.
If we do not pay all bills promptly, folks
-ay we are not to be trusted.
If we do pay piomptly, they swear we
stole the money.
If we wear poor clothes, they say busi-
ness is poor.
If we wear good ones, they say we are a
-pendthrift.
Now what is a poor fellow to do!
A Plea fob Certain Offendeks. —
In the book called “ My Southern Friends,”
there is a defense by one Jack Larkin of a
wretched negro driver called Muluck, the
Inanely philosophy of which may be ap
plied to the case of other offenders:
• “ Now, fur bein’ both mean an’ a fool.
I ’low he orter be punished. But doant
ye kill him, gentlemen! Guv it tor him
'cordin’ to his natur and merits. Just
look at him. Hev ye ever seed sich a face,
an’ sech an eye as that in any human be
in'! Why, his eye ar’ jest like a snake’s;
an’ its nttfral, ye knows, for snakes to
crawl, the’ canj do nutbin’ else* an’ the’
bain’t to blame for it.
“No more ye karn’t Uame Murlock far
bein’ whot he ar’. So guv him a coat uv
tar, a ride on a rail, a duckin’ in the pond
—anything thet’s ’cordin’ ter his naturan’
his merits; but doan't ye take away his
lite! If ye does thet, he’s lost—lost fur
ever ; fur I swar ter yer, his sjul ar* so
small thet if it wus once out uv bis body
th’ Lord himself couldn't find it, an’ the
poor feller’d bev ter go wand’rin* round
with nary wbar to stay, an' naiy .friends,
aither in heaven or t’orther place! Sobe
easy with him, gentlemen. Guv him one
more chance. Let him stay yere a spell
longer, iur yere his soul may grow. -An’
it kin grow. Everything in natur grows
—even skunks; an’ who knows but:Mu
lock may spread out yet an’ grow ter be a
man.”
A Good Stomach.— A country youth,
having an uncle living in* town, resolved
to pay him a visit, He accordingly start
ed off one morning, and arrived at his
uncle's house just as supper was ready.-
Being very hungry from his long walk,
he no sooner got seated at the table than
he commenced a furious onslaught on the
eatables, right and left.”
“ Hold on, sir,” said bis undo, who
was. a pious man, “ We always say some
thing here before we eat.”
“Say, what you’ve a mind to,” ans
wered the, boy between two mouthfals,
“ you can't turn my stomach!”
what you will of old quids,
their love is generally more strong and
sincere than that of the yonng milk and
yrater creatures, whose hearts vibrate be
tween the joys of wedlock and the dipsi
pat ions of the ball-room. Until the young
heart of woman is capable of settling firmly
and exclusively on one subject, her love is
like a May shower, which makes rainbows,
but dlls no cisterns.
e*Upbn coming into the offide the
other day, we asked the “ devil” Ins rule
for punctuation. Said he:
“ I set up as long ag I cap boW«ay
breath, then put in a comma: when
I imiert a semi-colon; when I sneeze,aco
lon; and when I want anbtb&diavt of to
bacco, I make aparagraph.”
Fifty-fiye thousand fopt bllgtad
and twenty-seven emigrants
in this country since the fWotoantjary.
7&i
i M'
? ~ -Jr*.,.«
NO. 24.