The Altoona tribune. (Altoona, Pa.) 1856-19??, May 05, 1863, Image 1

Below is the OCR text representation for this newspapers page. It is also available as plain text as well as XML.

    £. 33ixicler*v
ia ctiiefly ,,
muMnjny «tjle rwjairad. H»rw2J: ew *
nook, i^y'»R»ii^iJL n *fc®’"
■tFtennMiMK. ke.,
Mind nUtantlal half- Mndhi»/Bij?3 1 S'- w
-ynj m«Ur*w price*. Li.
dW to Uut, will a 1
M the IH
KptK. UMj vicinity. They wlUdeJi-V *“-'
and reed,.
£r .11 who ‘ ’
CUucb aasea-i,
If ■ *:«
■ |:a g! i
:B r «l i
B iJ -< ga o . S
•f '5? '.58 2.a s
■ St >*
: S J. 5 = = S
i , s S' «
i> S SwM .i
r m *i*s|s
j : feg|fci.S
f CQ <i 5a “-C
i M^sS-s
I. -a^|s-i
-*?• iJStjlglg
OO* 3-s
s**. -1
'<• • •/
eoetomere and the public generelh
grate Into the IhyGood bMtoe*?
wMteJ elargc end entirely new etock of
pess Q-oods
•.embracing ell the latest, pmUeetaad mo»i
'bnjh may be found every onalitv of "OO.K
Web it would bo too
the line of pure, fresh and cheep
nock under” to any of my competitors. In
(»t Meet tore that I can render «a»i«&ct|on
produce taken In exchange r™
■■ blgiett market price allotted.
’ <?’rner of Annie and Ueten ttreeia. Sin
Vtom.xu Smtt. Aitooka, Pa.,
SWEATS, of lum own manufacture, wlu'cli li.
1 i,Il. wh >loale or retail. at the roost reason
**«Oj FOREIGN FKUlK,isqii u
es. Lemons, pine-apples.
id. In respective seasons! :
occasion*. od short notice und In the neat
ly le cf the art. *
toe and price my stock and you will find
'cbesp as can be purchased elpewherc.
lul A T ews Agency,
Jbt, No. 7, MMN STREET
naty, gonfegtionaries
Ikjis & TOBACCO,.
Atmos*, rju
" BtU, Johntlon, Jade J’Co.”)
id Silver and Gold forsale. CdUeetWi*
reeelfed on deposits, pajabt* ondemsoi.
-or upon Ome, with internet at fclrr»tr».
HST, rwpectfWl j announces
t Altoona and the public
flicontinnes the Drn|r
*, where he khepe constant!/
Wholesale and Betas, DBOTB, ■!
tm. ■ ,
ittou to business, and « desire to render »t
-• retards price and quality, he hopw >■
eaatottt of public patratoc*--
I merchants supplied on. reasonable term*,
an a distance promptly attended to.
ecrlptiom carefully coatpopnded.
*-itn upon the choke and
tf%KC*B GOODS nosr dimtoed if”
r«sof : :SWHT rScViKM,
■■■] ■ Cor.of Tlrgluia andOahdtae •«
eatisas. ;
jw Bnid.Ch^Oß.^^jj^.g
SfIAV^ 0 '
VMiito i sßrito*W «‘ KB6gt g # 'S
SL A66ORTMS|' O .2
ir and CW»* JSSsSiOI’t
fci** _
ua b. fcand .1 ■
VOL. 8,
t B Me CRUM. - - - - - HC. DF.HK,
f,. »nn»B, (payable invariably iu advance.) $1 50
VII paper* dlacoatinoed at the expiration of the time
pakl lor.
* rs&ifs of ismtum
1 iovertiop 2 dA, 8 do.
... $ 25 $ $- 5u
50 7fi 1 00
... 1 00 ■ I 5a : 200
.... 160 200 , 260
tuir line* or ••
•to. B<lU«e. *• “?•*>■
1 o*lr three week* ami lew than three mouths, 26 cents
, ,r wnare fcr «*ch insertion.
' 3 months. 9 months. 1 year.
Un « at lew -—I 1 M *3 00 *ft 00
■m. ««»« , 3 60 * «0 • <**'
4 ou e oo woo
- J. 6 00 8 00 13 00
.. 6 00 10 00 UMI
ll|( . column 10 00 14 00 30 00
Hun column 14 00 2ft 00 40 00
i.lujlnittrttturs and Kxeeaton Notices « 1 *o
sdrertiring by .the year. three eqitart*,.
with liberty to change....... • IP 00
profession* l or. Bnsinem Cards, not exceeding 8 lines
trill 1 wiper. per year 5 00
c’oenmunicattoM of a political character Or individual
wrist , will be charged according to the abov6 rates.
Advertisements not marked with the number of laser
10Ds desired, will be continued till forbid and charged
Ici urdine to the above terms.
Business notices five cents per line foe every insertion,
obituary notice- exceeding ten liqes, fifty cents a square.
lie Only Place Where a Cure Can
be Obtained,
DK. JOHNSON has discovered the
most Certain, Speedy and only Effectual Remedy in
<Le «ryrld for all Private Diseases. Weakness of the Bach
‘ nnibi, strictures. Affections of the Kidneys and Blad-
Involuntary Discharges, Imputency, General Debility,
witness. Uyspepsy, Languor. Low Spirits. Confusion
,f Meas. Palpitation of the Heart. Timidity, Trembling*,
o.nnejj of Sight or Giddiness. Disease ol the He»d.
i N\.ae or Skin, Affections of the Liver,:Lung». Stom
, *i->r Bowels —those Terrible disorders arising Irom the
IViitarv Habits of Youth—those secret and solitary prac-
U ces more fatal to theit victims than the song of Myrons to
(hg Mariners of Ulysses, blighting their most brilliant
aopes or anticipations, rendering marriage ic., imposai*
especially, who have become the victims of Solitary > ice.
.;,, t dreadful and destuctive habit which annually sweeps
, > uu untimoly glare thousands of Young Men pf the most
j \tislted talents aud briUiant'iutcHvct, who might other
liave entranced listening Senates with the thunders
,f eloquence, or waketTto ectasy the living lyre, may call
* >tU full confidence.
■l.4tried Persons, or Young Men cotemplating marriage,
aware of physical weakness, organic debility, defor*
any, Ac., speedily cured.
Ho who places himsull under th<* care of Dr. J. may re
fi-i .afly confide in his honor as a gentleman., and c«»ufi
j’.iilv r»dy upon his skill as a physician.
.‘.aiueditUly Cured, ami full Vigor Beston-d.
Tuis Distressing Affection —which renders Life miserable
v.;J marriage impossible—in the penally -.paid by the
ictans ofimpropor indulgences. Young pep-ms. are to
.l: :■> commit excea es from not being awai.* ..f the dread-
J ujuscuueuces that may ensu«. Now. who that under
t-.ui li the subject will pretend to deny that the power ol
i creation is lostvohuer by tho«e falling into improper
i Abus than by the prudent? Besides being di-privcil the
i.kisures of healthy offspring, the most serious ami do
.truciive symptoms to both body and mind arise. Tlie
• vtfteiu becomes Deranged, the Physical and .'Mental Func
tions Weakened--Los* of Procreative Power. Nervous Irri
übility, Dyspepsia, Palpitation of the Heart. Indigestion
uiistitotional Debility, a Wasting of the frame. Cough,
''on-mcaption, Decay and Death.
tef» baud side going from Baltimore street, h few doom
:>o o the corner. Fail not lo'observo name and number
L“tt-*M must be paid , and contain u stamp. The Doc
tor's Diplomas hang iu his office
JVb Mercury or Nuseons Drugs.
vleuber of the Boyal College of Surgeons, London, Grad
uto from one of the most eminent Colleges in the United
St.ites, and the greater part of whose life has been spent in
j- hospitals of London, Paris, Philadelphia and else
- here, has effected some of the most astonishing cures
;>:at were ever known; many troubled with ringing in the
-.•ad and ears when asleep, great nervousness, being
i tanned at sodden sonvds, bashful ness, with frequent
Mushing, attended sometimes with derangement of mind.
**»rs cured immediately.
Dr. J. addresses all those who hare injured themselves
v improper indulgence and solitary habits* which ruin
■.'.fb body and mind, unfitting them for either business.
• udy. society or marriage.
issss are some of the sad and melancholy effects pro*
■inced by early habits of youth, via: Weakness of the
Back and Limbs, Pains in the Head, Dimness of Sight.
Loss of Muscular Power, Palpitation of this Heart, Dys
i.-piy, Nervous Irritability, Derangement of the Dlges*
iro Functions. General Debility, Symptoms of Consump
•ioo. Ac.
Mestaixt.—The fearful effects of the mind nr« mud) to
dreaded—L*«s of Memory, Confusion of Ideas. De
gression of spirits, BtU-FOrebod!ng», Aversion to Society.
eolMHstnut, Lore of Solitude, Timidity, Ac., are some of
:he evils produced.
lao(TBA3IM of persons of all ages can now judge what is
oe cause of thatr declining health, losing (heir vigor, he
lming weak, pale, nervous and emiclated, having a sin
,nilar appearance about the eyes, cough and symptoms o!
Who hare injured themsehres bye certain practice m-
Jntged In when alone, m habit frequently learned from
evil companions, or at school. the effects of which are
nightly felt, even whenasleep. and if not fcured render*
marriage imposible, laid destroys both mind and
should apply immediately.
What a pity'that a young man. the hope of his country,
ib* darling of his parents, should be snatched from all
irospectt and enjoyments of life, by the consequence of
leyiating from the path of nature, and indulging in a
-rtain secret habit. Such person* mcst. before contem
redact that * found mind and hod} are the nao.**t necessary
requisite* to promote cououbiat happiness. i Jrdeed. with*
oat these, the journey through. Ufa becomes a weary pil
grimage; the prospect hourly darkens to the view; thu
niQd becomes ibadowed with despair and 01 led with the
oitslamdloiy reflection that the happiness bt another Le
contes blighted with oar own.
When the misguided and imprudent votary of pleasure
loja that be has Imbibed the eeeda uf this painful die-,
•■aso, It too often happens that an 111-timed sense of shame,
tr dread of discovery, deters him from applying to those
eilO, from education and respectability, can alone be
friend Urn, delaying till the constitutional symptoms of
this horrid dispose make their appearance.such as nice ra
te! tore throat, diseased nose, nocturnal pain s in the head
sad limbs, dimness of sight, deafness, nodes on the shin
hones and arms* blotches on the head, then and extremi-
Ties. progressing With frightful rapidity, till at last the
palate of the month or the bones of the nose fall In, and
tbs Tictim of this awful disease becomes a horrid object of
■ominiseratJon, tm death pots a period :to his dreadful
• offerings, by tending him t , that U ndlscovered Country
from whence no traveller returns.” *
It it a melancholy fait that thousands fall victims to
-,hla terrible disease, owing to the nnakillfulnesa of ign.v
pretenders, who, by the use of that Deadly Poison,
tfsrcury. rain ths constitution- snd make-the residue of
I ife miserable.
iriut not your livee,'orhealth to the care of the many
Culcarnsd and Worthiesis Pretenders, destitute of knowl
edge, name or character, who copy Dr Johnston’s ndrer
tUomonte, or style - themselves, in the newsptpeni. regu-
Isriy Kd nested Physic tana, incapable of Curing, they keep
yon triSing month after month, taking their flithy and
poisonous compounds, or as long aa the smallest fee can
l» obtained, and in despair. leave yon with ruined health
to ilgk aver your galling disappointment, i;
Dr. John,ton ie the only Physician advertising.
His credential or diplomas always hang In his office,
ills remedies or treatment are unknown to ail others;
Prepared from a life spent In the great hospitals of Europe,
tneflrat in the country anda more extensive Private I*rac
tlathan aay other Physician In the world. -'
indorsement of the press.
lU‘‘ many thousands cared at this Institution, year after
y«*r. «od the numerous important Surgical operation*
performed by Johnson, witnessed by the reporter* of the.
Swn, u ‘‘Clipper,” and many olh*r papers, police* of
vhich bare appeared again and again before the public,
fc**\4et his atandlbg a« a gentlemen of character and ffr
•poniiblllty, ia a sufficient guarantee to the;affllcte4.
no letter* received unless post-paid snd containing a
•utaptobeusedoD the reply Persona writing should state
pwilsendp<irUOn ofadvertisementdescribing symptoms
Persons wHtisg ahoatd be partienlar in directing Ibeir
* »»r* to bis InstHolton, in the following manner:
Of the Baltimore Lock Roepfttl, Maryland
From the Atlant c Monthly for May.
Tramp! Tramp! Tramp! Tramp!
K» 1 lay with ray blanket on.
By the dim fire-light^in the moonlight night.
When the «kirrai*bliifr fight was done.
The measm ed beat ofthe eentry’a feet,
With tit* jingling ecabbard’t ring!
Tramp! Tramp! ip rajr meadow-camp
By the SbemmdpahVifpnng.
The moonlight aeems to shed cold beam*
On a row of-(uUegrayegtoues;
Give the bugle breath,'and that image of Death
Will fly from Ihe reveille’* tone*.
By each tented roof u charger's hoof
Make* the frosty hill-side ring
Give the bugle breath, and a spirit of Death
To each home's girth; will spring.
Tramp! Tramp! Triifepl Tramp!
The sentry, before my tent.
Guards, ill gloom, hi* chief, for whom
Its shelter to-night la lent.
lam not there. On she bill skle bare
I think of the..ghoBt within:
Of the trftvf ;who died at roy swrrrd-luvnd *»«*«•.
To day, ’mld the horrible din.
Of shot and shell ami the infantry yell.
As we charged with jibe sabre drawn.
To ipy heart T said. ■¥ Who shall be the dead
In my tent at another dawn V'
I thought of a blossoming almonri tree.
The stateliest fretj tltnt I know :
Of a goMwi bowl: ofa parted soul:
And a lamp that is burning low.
Oh. thoughts that ktU! I thought of the hill
Tu the far-off Jora chain :
Of the two, the three, o’er the wide salt sea.
Whose hearts would break with pain.
Of my pride and eldest boy:
Of my darlingkthe second —Ifi years;
Of Willie, whose face, with its pure, mild grace.
Melts memory into fears.
Of their mother, my-bride, by the Alpine lake’s side.
And tlie angel asleep in her arms ;
Love, Beauty, and Truth. which she brought to my youth,
In that sweet Apriljday of her charms
Halt! Who /*’ The cold midnight air
And the challenging: word chill me through.
The ghost of a fear whispers, close to my ear.
** Is peril, lore, coming to you?”
The hoarse answer, Belief.’’ makes the -.hade of q grief.
Die away, with the step <-n the sod,
A ki-K m Its in air. while a tear and a pniy. r
U'-nfhle my'beloved jo God
Tramp! Tramp! Trapip! Tramp!
With a solemn, pendulum-swing!
Though I slumber all night, burn.-* bright,
And my sentinels’ sCabbards ring.
‘•Bool und saddle!” is sounding. Our pulses are bounding.
‘•To horse And 1 touch with my heel
Black Gray in the flanks and ride down the rank?,
With my heart, like my sabre, of steel.
When Martin Luther, conversing with
a friend, walked in the field at Eiselben,
and suddenly beheld -the partner of his
thought struck to the earth by lightning—
a livid corpse, what were his feelings ?
Or, how excited the mind of
Michael Angelo when, in his silent cham
ber of the Medical mansion, he pursued
his immortal labors at midnight; with
opened coffins ;and ghastly mortal remains
around him, to assist the workings of his
genius! 1
You have read, moreover of the Hebri
dean fisher who descended a horrible preci
pice in search of eagle’s eggs ; and, swing
ing in mid air, ,was attacked by the enraged
birds—a thrilling circumstance which
blanched his dark locks, and deprived him,
for a time, of reason.
• But you have never beard the story of
that night ; and none save I can tell it.—
Give me, then, your best attention, and do
not doubt me,; for I do not doubt myself.
I had taken; supper and found pleasure
in it. Amiable with the finoly-flavord
coffee, and fresh Finnan haddocks, I rang
my bell. “ Now, landlady,” said; I, “sup
pose I turn in. And by the way, I was
rather cold last night. If you would give
my another blanket I’d thank you.”
r “ Eh! yes, sir; N ye’ll no’ fash me ”
And good Mistress Wilson departed.—
She was a kind Scotch soul, and therefore
I had not, hesitated to prefer my- request.
Presently_she told me all . was ready. I
took my Candlestick, bade her good night,
and in a second was in my chamber.
Before jumping into bed, I studiously
examined several little articles which 1 had
collected in my rambles. I had lately ar
rived at Leith from Rotterdam, and being
fresh from Waterloo, I naturally wished
to “ straighten” the various relics, ect.,
which I had brought in my coffre. Mr«.
Wilson had loaned me a drawer, and busi
ness began. The chestnuts from Hougo
rapnt, ihe French eagles, }he views of La
Have Sainte, ;Monf St. .Kan, La Montague
du Lion, ect, were severally placed in my
drawer; together with guide books, pocket
compass, and ‘other et cetera.
“ Nm T,U id bed.” With that thought
my outer shell was speedily cast off. I
did my devotions and tunied off the gas.
The next moment I leaped into bed.
Como gentle sleep 1 ethereal-mildness come.
Exqui-ite warm sheets ' I plunged my
fee* down inf® the recesses. How deli
cious! how-^ —Heavens! what was it. ?
What could - ; sjt be my encoun
tered t Froaen with vague horror, I
sprang from this bed. My brain positively
whirled; my teeth chattered —but not
with cold. Cold ? t), I would rather
step upon an icebei£ than again experience
the thrill which I then endured. There
was some object in the bed. A i ude grasp,
j a secret robber would have chilled me less.
Its mysterious feel was not of aught
Momentary relapse into a desperate
mood and my spirit said within me, ‘‘ Get
in again and kick it out!”
Kick out —what*
Searching in the dark I at last found a
chair- My next thought was to examine
my foot. No! it was not lacerated —not
even scratched. True, I had not at the
moment experienced a sense of pain ; but
so horrible a,surprise would nut allow of
it. Mental excitement often deadens
physical suffering. Yet, as-I believed, there
was no laceration. I could not detect the
flow of blood ; and, though in the dark,
I Could have felt this.
With hands clasped on my forehead, I
strove to think. What were my best rec
ollections of the contact? I remembered
that the left foot had touched nothing, but
as the leg went down it' received a gentle
rub. I recollected also that the soul of
my right foot had been visited with the
feeling of hot breath, as though it were
the breath of an animal. But then it had
not touched any rough or furry creature.
At this point, impressed with a dread of
the supernatural, I removed my chair to
the most remote comer of the room, and
there pursued my train of reflection.
Was it a sleeping cat ? Entangled in
one of the sheets, its fur might have been
covered. I called to mind many instances
of cats which, for the warmth, had crept
into beds. Still, one so rudely aroused
would have extended its claws ; and v I—
had I been wounded ? Not to the best of
my belief.
In the first place, I was confident that
the plunge of toy feet would have awakened
such an animal. Its impulse then would
be to bound away. But no movement
apparent to the ear had taken place.
On the other hand—
There were two married ladies staying
at the house. One of them had a small
baby. Her servant maid had been en
joined to put that precious infant to bed.
I had heard this through my opened door
at the moment when supper was served.
Before taking supper, I had accidentally
caught a glimpse of the servant girl on the
way to her mistress’ apartment, and her
physiognomy caused me to think her a
stupid, blundering lass. Now, how easily
might a mistake have occured. Ihe stu
pidity or forgetfulness of the moment
might have led her to place the little baby
in the wrung bed. Its mamma slept in
the chamber next to mine l ; how facile
then to open the wrong door!
Certainly I had not felt anything of the
shape or substance of a baby. But, in
that horrible moment my mind had been
completely unhinged; and could I now
say what I had felt 1
Thought beats the electric telegraph.
These reflections occurred in less time than
I take to tell them.
My first vague horror had given away
to a feeling of calm fright. By this time
my body was benumbed, for in one’s shirt
the cold strikes in with effect.
Huddling myself together—and still
impressed by the supernatural —I resumed
my chain of analysis. Thus, for some
minutes, but you shall not be troubled
with more details. After tuining over
every horrible probability, and glancing
in the dark towards the bed (as I believed.)
1 went into the committee (all alone) .on
ways and means—what to do!
Should I awaken the landlady ? By
no means ; even though the circumstances
warranted it, I would not. After the first
horror, as I have told yon_a calm fright
succeeded; and I felt that—fearful as was
the position—l would have to brave it
No! I would light the gas, and—look!
Slowly I quitted my chair—but at this
moment a strange, unearthly biasing sound
came from the I>ed. It might be the his
sing of a serpent, (and Mrs. Wilson was,
I had head, an amateur collector of such
creatures,) or the suppressed breathing of
a dog. It was a sound as though blood
were letting! Saint Bartholomew, flayed
to death as thou wast! how my hair stood
op as I thought of sickening passages in
Frankestein! Shaking with the palsy,
as it seemed I tottered to my chair.
But something must be done. Screwing
Up my courage to the sticking point, and
murmuring a prayer, 1 again arose, found
my trousers, and searched for my box of
congreves, (which, as a smoker, I invaria
bly carry.) It was barren! not a single
match remained! What should Ido?
To cross the spacious landing, and to reach
the kjtehen, was an early thought. The
Are would perhaps be smouldering; I might
perchance obtain what I required. Mrs.
Wilson’s matches I could not hope to find;
I knew not their locality. But an old
newspaper, (which I had put in the drawer
loaned me, as mentioned,) would do.—
Could not I carry it, blazing, from the
kitchen embers? Yes, I could, but. what
then? The glare of the light would
[independent in everything.]
arouse the sleepers ; and then—the second
mamed lady was, I had heard Mrs. Wil
son say, fearful of fire; and I felt persuad
ed that, after the manner of others whom
I knew, she slept wifh her door ajar.
I felt for my cane—the one which I
had brought from Hougomont. Despe
rate, I thought of striking the coverlet
until the object moved. But suppose it
were an infant! Ah ! 1 could pass my cane
gently over the surface and do no harm.
I approached the bed, and did so.—
■Then, starting back, my summoned reso
lution left me; I knew, I felt, that the
object was still there! With a beating
heart, 1 dressed myself as fast as I could;
and cautiously feeling my way to the sit
ting room, lay down on the sofa and drew
my coat over me.
For a time I was unable to sleep; my
nerves were too much strained ; at length
I dropped off into an uneasy slumber.
The clock of an adjacent church struck
four. 1 awoke Morning had come;
golden and silvery rays were flashing
through the crevices of the shutters. I
arose—with a perfect memory of last
night's occurences^ —shook myself, and (re
assured by the day) proceeded to my cham
I was not at ease when I entered. I
stopped at the threshold —but at last I
slowly went in. With abated breath 1
approached the bed. Oh! shall 1 ever
erase from my memory that revelation.
Ghoul! vampire! monsters misshapen,
and creatures charged to freeze the bloood.
No marvel that 1 had thought of ye !
My terror had been actually excited ;
my nerves awfully startled ; and I discov
ered the cause at the bottom of the bed,
in the shape of a “foot-bottle!” Mrs.
Wilson, pray fjr the future inform your
guests when you give them a b°dfellow,
which a bad conscience or an active imagi
nation can conjure into a frightful and
mysterious monster.
“ I Don’t Like Mv Business.” —There
is no greater fallacy in the world than
that entertained by young men that some
pursuit in life can be found wholly suited
to their tastes whims and fancies. This
philosopher’s stone can never be discovered,
and every one who makes bis life a search
for it will be ruined Much truth is con
tained in the Irishman’s remark : “It is
never aisy to work hard.” Let, therefore,
the fact be always remembered by the
young, that no lifework can be entirely
agreeable to man. Success always lies
at the top of a hill; if we would reach it,
we can do so only by hard persevering ef
fort, while beset with difficulties of every
kind. Genius counts nothing in the battle,
of life; determined, obstinate, pcreeve-.
ranee in one single channel is everything.
Hence, 'should any ■ one of our young
readers be debating in his mind a change
of business, imagining he has a genius for
some other, let him at once dismiss the'
thought as he would a temptation to dp
evil. If you think you made a mistake in
choosing the pursuit or profession you did,
don’t make another by leaving it. Spend
all your enei gies in working for and cling
to it, as you wduld\to the life-boat that
sustained you iti the midst of the ocean.
If you leave it, it is almost certain that
you will go down ; but if you cling to it,
informing yonrself about it until you are
its master, bending your every energy to
the work, success is certain. Good, hard
honest effort, steadily persevering in, will
make your love for your business or pro
fession grow; since no one should ex
pect to reach a period when he cant feel
that his life-work is just the one he could
have done best and would have liked
best. We are allowed to see and feel the
roughness in our own pathway, but none
in others; yet all have them. —Hunts
Merchants’ Magazine.
All About Kisses. —The girls never
grow weary of kissing-—we beg pardon,
we mean the subject is ever congenial to
their taste. But what an absurd idea it
is in man to ask a lady to kiss him, just
as if he, the senseless being, thought the
poor trembling little creature was going
to do it! The idea of a man asking for; a
thing so easily obtained! Why, it is
ridiculous! and a man with the least
particle of brains would hoot at the idea.
She’d say no till doomsday. And ydu,
poor believer, would forego the happiness
of drawing nectar from the rosebud
mouth, simply because you were ig
noramous enough to ask for what you
might have taken. There are ten thou
sand ways to kiss a girl ’without asking
the privilege. Direct her attention to
something on the table; ask for a book
which you know to be there, and whilst
she is there, go with the affected purpose
of helping her to look for it ; be particu
lar to get at her left side—do you need
any more telling? If you do, yon do not
deserve the kiss that might be so grace
fully taken.
A man whp would ask a kiss of a fair
maiden ought to be tarred and feathered
as a craven-hearted monster. Don’t do
it; don’t for goodness sake, ask the girls
to kite you. Kiss them if you want to,
but do it like gentlemen. Kiss them If
you can.
A married man preaentedhimself trem
bling and sorrowful at the gates of para
dise. He had heard so often of his faults
and short-comings while upon earth, thah
"he believed in them devotedly, and had no
hope of being admitted to the habitations
of the blessed. One wife, he had been
repeatedly informed, was a blessing far
beyond her merits while in the flesh;
how, then, could he hope fur the smiles of
seventy houries. But the prophet, when
he presented himself at the gates of heaven,
to his great surprise, greeted him with a
smile of ineffable compassion. “Pass on,
poor martyr,*’ said Mahorftet. “You
have been indeed a great sinner, but you
have suffered enough upon the earth, so be
of good cheer, for you will not meet your
wife here.”
A man who had hitherto crept up to
heaven, now stood up confllently, and
presented himself to the prophet upon the
ground that he had been twice married.
“ Nay,” said the prophet, angrily, “par
adise is no place for fools.”
A ruffling young fellow married the
wealthy widow of a great Khan. On the
wedding* night she determined to assert
her authority over him. So she treated
him with great contemptwhen he came
into the ante-room, and sat luxuriously
imbedded in rose-leaf cushions, caressing a
large white cat, of which she pretended to
be dolingly fond. She appeared fb be
annoyed by her husband's entrance, and
looked at him out of the corners of her
eyes with a glance of cold disdain.
“ I dislike cats,” remarked the young
soldier, blandly, as if he vyas making a
mere casual observation ; they offend my
If his wife had looked at him with a
glance of cold disdain before, her eyes now
wore an expression of auger ■ and con
tempt such as no words can express,
did not even deign to answer him, but she
took the cat" to her bosom and fondled it
passionately. Her whole heart seemed to
be in the cat, and cold was the shoulder
which she turned to her husband. Bitter
was the sneer upon her beautiful lips.
“ When any one,” continued
her gallant, gayly, “I cutoff his head.
It is a peculiarity of mine which 1 am
sure will only make me dearer to you.”—
Then drawing his sword, he took the cat
gently but firmly from her arms, cut off
its head, wiped the blade, sheathed it, and
sat down, continuing to talk affectionately
to his wife as if nothing had happened.
After which, says tradition, she became
the best and most submissive wife in the
A henpecked fellow meeting him next
day as he rode with a gallant train through
the market-place, began to condole with
“Ah !” said the henpecked, with deep
feeling, “ you/too, have taken a wife,
and got a tyrant. You ■ bad better have
remained the poor soldier ’ that you were,
I pity you from my very heart’ 7
“ Not so,” replied the ruffler, joyfully;
“keep your sighs to cool yourself next
He then related the events of his wed
ding-night, with their satisfactory results.
The henpecked man listened attentively,
and pondered long.
“ 1 have also a sword,” said he,
“ though it is rusty, and my wife is like
wise fond of cats. I will cut off the head
of my wife’s favorite cat at once.”
He did so, and received a sound beat
ing. His wife, moreover, made him go
down upon his knees and tell her what
ghin, or evil epirit, had prompted him to
commit the bloody deed.
» “ Fool!” said the lady, with a vixenish
smile, when she had possessed herself of
the henpecked’s secret, “you should have
done it the first night.”
Moral. —Advice is useless to fools.
Tom of the Last Signer.— -The
ancient seat ofi Charles Carroll, of Car
rol ton, and his tomb, is about fifteen miles
from Baltimore. Entering the gateway
we drove through a noble avenue, planted
on each side with trees of every variety,
and soon found ourselves in front of the
Carroll mansion, which is a long, com
fortable two stoty building, terminated at
the north end by the chaple, which -has
become famous as the repository of the
remains of (he gallant signer of the Dec
laration of Independence, His tomb is
set in the wall on the left of the altar,
and presents a shield and scroll of white
marble, on which is carved in relief a p*n
and roll of parchment, surrounded by thir
teen stars ; a Latin inscription appropri
ate to his great act, appear 9 * o the centre.
Below this some figures in bass relievo rep
resenting Fame with inverted toiicb, and
History, guarding a funeral urn. The
chapel is cruciform, and contains a hand
some; marble altar, soma fine old pictures,
a good organ, and is decorated with rich
and beautiful windows of stained glass.
The floor, which is elevated, contains
some fourteen or fifteen pews, which are
occupied by the family of Mr. Carroll and
their friends. The body of the church
contains about . forty commodious pews,
whejre his slaves, who are carefully instret
•d in the Catholic faith, sit and kneel.
Anecdote. —White traveling in West
ern Virginia, happening one day to 1m in
a small dry goods store, situated in a
small nltege, an old lady from tha coun
try came in. She purchased several
articles of the ckrk, and at length ob
served a neatly painted and varnished bel
lows hanging by a post, she enquired what
it was. The clerk perceiving that the oijd
lady was rather ignorant, and bring
somewhat of a wag. Informed her that it
was a new fashioned lan which be had
lately received from the East, at the same
time taking the bellows down and puffing
it in his fhee, told her that was the mode
of operation. The old lady repeated the
operation on herself, and was so delighted
with the new fan, that she purchased it
forthwith and departed.
On the next day our informant, the
minister, had an appointment to preach at
a schoolhouse in the neighboring country.
The congregation being assembled, white
the minister was in the act of reading the
hymn, who should pop in but the old
woman with her new fashioned fan; and
having taken her seat, immediately com
menced puffing away in good earnest—
The congregation knew not what 4o make
of it: some smiled, and some looked aston
ished, but the ludicrous prevailed 9V«r
everything else, and to such an extent,
that the minister himself was obliged to
stop reading, and to hand Ihe bode to his
brother in the desk. After the usual
preliminary services, he roee to preach*
but there sat conspicuously the old ladjy
with the bellows, in front, a hand hold of
each handle, the nose turned up towards
her face, and with much self-complacency,
puffing the gentle breeze into her face.
What to do or how to proceed he knew
not, for he could not cast his eyes over tbe
congregation without meeting with the
old lady. At length summoning resolu
tion, apd trying to feel the solemnity of
the duty imposed on him, he proceeded.
He finished his discourse, but it cost him
more effort than any before or since.
A True Love Stobt. —A bashful
gentleman of Holly Springs, Mississippi,
took a violent ‘ hankering’ after a fair
seamstress of the town; and after a great
deal of hesitation, finally brought His
courage up to the standing point, and
made an evening call on the lady. He
found her busily engaged at her work,
pressing off a garment with a tailor’s
goose. She, however, received him very
courteously, and continued her work. A
bevy of the seamstress’s female friends
dropped m a few minutes after our heroic
friend had subsided into silence, for he
found it absolutely impossible to maintain
a conversation with the lady. The add
den entrance of the viators, instead of re
lieving, only added to his embarrassment,
and be sat in silence until bis' situation
became punful to all, bat to none
more than to himself All effort* !to
draw him # into conversation proved
abortive, and it became a matter of {se
rious concern to tire ladles how to relieve
the gentleman of bis embarrassment with
out a catastrophe, for he was well knpwn
to all of them as a gentleman of great
worth, bashfulhess being his only frailty.
Ihe seamstress finally got through wfith
her work, and called but to the negro man
in the kitchen; I
“ John 1”
The door opened and a stoat, burly
negro stack his head through the dolor
way, and said:
“ I is here. Missus.”
“ John, will yoa take this goom out?”
Onr bashful friend sprang to bis feet in
an instant, and exclaimed: |
“I beg your pardon, madam, for in
truding on you, but Pli go out mgtdfi ;
And before the lady could her
meaning to him, he had gathered up, bis
hat and, made his exit, which was fouoafed
by the frantic yells of the girls, tam
sorry to add that the little misunderstand
ing made an old bachelor and an old'maid.
Yankce' Bathing. —Kendall, of the
New Orleans Picayune, relates the fol
lowing, which occurred in his presence
some time ago, at Baden Baden, Germany :
At this juncture we were joined by an
English party, when the subject matter
brougnt under discussion was bathing.
“I take a cold sponge bath every morn
ing when at home,” said John BuU.
“ So do I,” retorted the Yankee.
“ Winter and summer,” continued the
“My system exactly,” responded the
“Is yonr weather and tester cold!”
queried John 8011/
“ Bight chilly,” continued Brother Jona
“ Hpw cold !” inquired John.
“ So cold that the water all freest* as I
pour it down my back, and rattles upon
the floor in the shape of hail I” responded
the Yankee, witlv' the ««">> cunning
twinkle of the eye. 11 Were you in the
next room to me in America,” he con
tinued, “ and could bear messl am taking
my sponge bath of a cold winter’s morning,
you would think I was pouring diy fekn«
down nw back.”
The Englishman shrugged his shoulders
as witha chUVaod marvelled.
NO. 14