The Altoona tribune. (Altoona, Pa.) 1856-19??, March 31, 1863, Image 1

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m book m asufaolorv
[•Martel iff. Jjarrubitrg, 'fy , ■
Dlisliment is chiefly flevou i I
“V"; tic.
f ar c ’Zy m ' ih
Jain, rnletl and jfemud to w-tW^r* o '!'
tlwbent litien p«j*-‘iv ■ “ ..wnniv
fieri.. desiring to hare their Ife.k.
Hr price*. .Iioold; give ns a can v : 1
t Hire*. Harper'* Weekly {;. N( »-
Scientific Aniefic*”laA d <
n any style required. Itarmr-. w
•rbocker, llisckwnod** - n l J r *® a “tli
>.),*•* Book, Ijuly'a *
« Music/ ic,lH.BlirtXne«rt^;r tt ' 1
übstmitisl lis if binding, »eI«J 001o 01
ir*. pamniilst Jaws,
moderate pricaa. .Person* if'" 1 ' ‘-I
to bind, will receive a fibers! ,11“*»
c jwm to p.
t •mrasted taourcJrSLniJ*' * T
packed and returned by
Address P. L. IUTPrkK ~
tßMii UKKS. at the Tribune Office ... ‘
ttisjji* and vicinity.. They will (iveinf i l l " >
ion in binding, ami receive and ctarn b y'
*ra Charges, fur all wbo ent.nst
, , 1 [March il.
Rin »|i
Si* i r
I W .. 6
y e <n - I
i ai :*«
I ® i ssr
!• 9 =-S ■*
t 05 » •;? £ u
l J 3 a-5< -2 e
! M bli K:
V 2"« 5
Qal2 J*
A- QO'* £*
_ __ if
->'; -
F i ' ' • t/-id
;r too confectioner,
Vjaii.ii* gTMtr. Altoona, Pa,
Tin ATS, of hi* own nSHoubctun, which hi
" Wh o*-«1- or rrUU. i,t the moat tevur,.
*W, IfORKMN FRUITS, nucb u
uni}: I tb**ir rc-jK'ctirc
r on short uotrce and In'the neat
stylp of the art.
rmeiiid price my stock and yon will fiua
•1 chbap as cun be pnrchzutnf elsewhere.
<-rs. 1
iheCttivpiij* of Altoopa and vicinily that 1m
rflvKljlY, .NUT Hi»d EIUJIT STOKE.i« aDray*
;h the very best article* to beiiud*Aod in great
in !«»'« u)h> mi
hi* * ore. inwhichho wiil~»erTe «p OTSTEIIS
b*-during the season.
\SAKitID BI'EAD d: PlJSSotwayt on hand.
II fin|* s prepared to supply cakes, candies. Jtc..
todujher parties. He jemtcs.'Aslmreof peblic
frlinvngthat he can render full satisfaction to
- > -.
r, lit# sum* and saloon is on Virkiuia»tte.‘t, r w
Putt mV Hall. ; OTTO EOSSI
let. IP; 1861-lf -S 1
era! ‘Xews Agency.
Lairs & tobacco.
YD & GO.,
noLtwArsßvse, pa
•j Veil, Johntlon, Jack y Co.”)
nil Sllrnr and Gold for aal«- CoHfteliou'
i necelvud <>|HMiis,on demaiiu.
if or upon time, trlth {mW »t air rale*.
kof' JUtouuawad the pdbUo
where he
*r*J VI
Emibucaus, oits, tAiuusn- mk&
TCW&." ' :•■•,. ,
utkrti u> bosineu, and adeeUr*toread** w: *
ftk regards price tad qk»llty> hem*!** *
•e a share of public patronage '■- •
ifl merchant* Applied on reMon*^ tenu, ‘
rom« dwtanceprompUy nttebaedto*
caiwfatiy-etmipoandw. I*2^
l&A in opop ;ii» clwfc o, W* eb **** 4%'.
Ww«r ! MnRPttY jrilcytK*- _
Cor*of TJrjffcrifcnnd CmoHh* •' , '
4»,T8«. : “ -■“■■■ ■
i ruing FW<I, <**»,» <»-4
m •mrim.ot u
Mb «w> V»TBirt .Bp«tM^ K B{ y, l K K j
5 E
aauAjs 1 ‘
H wIHt, «t S
t, wwa. . ■wi >:-■■■ 'jl-
>can b*frmnij *. ’ LA-CatOO
«a <**>•• s
m WfuW.l
‘Mas of
M.H'iH'M A: I)Ei:X
v .n.iium. ; p.iwLL iuvari iMy in Hovauc*'. $1 i*o
v-i [..vjjfp* u»»m oiit»uu*-«1 at tin? expiration of the time
.M- •>* ADVtimsi.Nu
I insertiuu
* -•>
,*» hues'
'-li - i 1 r»i' 2 Ui' ‘2 50
w-i i!m<- week* hu<l Ifthan thiee mouths. 26 ceuts
.oualf lor eai h iu>crtiuii.
' 3 months 0 mouths
$ 1 50 .< uo
u k . 2 on
' 1 : ik)
’ .. r> on
- n on
j r 'lmiiii 1° On
„ tS . lu 14 on
n; ■> K.XeeUlolS .NullL-CB
.itju-iii-iin; bv iljethiee sqi'uies.
i i.i-it.v lo cliauge if ••••■
r, »r Curd?. Hut exceeding * lines
.■ 'iii |«iti««*< • per > ear on
.«'atiou- of si piditii’u character u r individual
, e . . ,nl: be I'halged juvordm:: to Ihe JtbuVe rate*.
\ .r... m-mt.- nut marked with the number Ol itiser
u. will l»- u>iiuiiui-i nil forbid ami c targcd
,i.iu !•' ihe.ahol f i. i iu.«.
.i tl notices liv• i.'eiitn pe** line for every insertion,
.la-ii' exceeding len li lies, flfty ecu trt a square.
■ v.n.lslliiO A! A UrlKf.ii; FKOM QL'ACKKKV
’fii 0-iiy Place Where a Cure Can
be Obtained-
i vjt. .1 Oil.N.sO.'s tin- tii.seovi-p.MI the
* f iu-'> '.'fji.un, apeftjy ami "ul> Etlcctuai U-Muetiv iu
*"*-.s ,1 i ! fr all Pri'ale Ui*'-ase>. VN etikness ot the Hack
; UJ., *: t setui '•». AlTv. lull'' <■! tlf K i«ill**\ k HD<l lilad
,» ~aa iti'v Discuarge*. y, Oein*ral Debility,
'..iiu- L)'\ . L mgiivi•. !.■ w Spmi'. Confusion
v ., j’ ion -u :lie U.-ait, ruai.lity . Tremblings.
.. .if »r ii I'bliucj't. Dix»*iis** *.»f the U-* nl.
,'aiii. Aiii-v iioif> i!.«* Liv.m-. Lung-. Sumi
[: ~V , —l l!"-e ! I 1 IU I 4iX‘ aa.rfs arising liuDi the
■ ~-v ll 1 at V./Dili—'i ■- a i.T aim villliin piai'-
;,i i i . •;i. i v i..-• f: m' r In.. • Iu *• >«,ug >->! sy n*us t>.
V yblight 1 nJL iheir biilliant
•» ll it*. i« mlei iua mul■|■ia^ ,, .Ac . imp"&»i-
i«t; i. a- a*' tiave li.-i the v ici mix of Solitary \ ice
ji.-.vl:ui ami ili-xiucttv.- habit which annual.y sweep*
I . mil ;•!» ; v a»e tli 'U-».tli<in "t Vi-UHg Melt of the most
,• ait 1 i-1 li! ivti t il l 1 !*•<*[. will* might utbel
~; ilv i-1; t r au.--..l •I - 1 -!i Ili s-nate* witllC'e ihuil-lvl'
•i 1 1 -11>. .ir waU-b a'l.i.i tli- living l> re. may '
; u i; }’• .>r V um-; M'-u
,vS ..r> ..f Jill V- 1..- w'< W ■
lum-'il ui j ».i • - : tii • i lire "t I>r. J tiiuv r*-
iitl'Miian. an*J ruiifl
! • vi ij
lii- - k'! ■ i-.n,
• ci.’ \ :t.-. i,■ mi u ... n: • -Li :n
i-u.iU \ )' «id i<\ l)i'
. - V {>.•' ii* H rf t>
:i! , • n avvai -■ r tin .i. -;ol
- . • S vs. w!,.- that uiml.-i
••• • l"’i> 111 a t : l e p->\\ ■
1n t 11'
■ V n,<t •m- ;
I ‘j •• i
.i! n.-'.iMv i
.. .V 1 I>-,U
_ !UJ :;i 1» »IT iMI.T -tM- t -t f»*\v .i.-m
y ii 1 ’I tr- *>-i v- n:um- \ii<J limul-r
7 [ ;mi I. i•■• li t ,11 U.ln t a 111. Tlif L)*k‘
M' /'-ur'i • r Drugs.
-tj.'t if K.«v:tl C>,M.-ge <>f Mirg*-o!)s. London. Crad
!■ :n ou- of r I if m.jni ♦■iiiinent Colb-ges in the Unilr-o
ii«, in i t i. • g:-' i'.irt ot %\ h, -■ ills lu« l>«*eti spent u
• 'wipitaN 'I !-«!i'|ou. Philadelphia ami **!-••
In* effected some of tin- uiu-t astonishing cure
.• ?v,-r-' ever known ; many troubled with ringing in tin
•ti tnd cMn when asleep, great Dorvuivun* I **. -being
iriiifrl at bUiiildi »oii ids. bashful nes«, with frequent
•latino. attended soio-Umie* with derangement of mini!
• rj cured immediately.
or J all those who have injured themselves
u;-r'p*r indulgence and solitary habits. « hich runi
: i i; iv and mind, unfitting them for either bnsin***
iiy. saci“ty or marriage
I n.-are some of the sail and melancholy effects pro
.'-! ifv early habit* of youth, viz.: Weakness of tin
1 ri md Limbs. I’aina in the Head. Uimr of Sight
'*t d Muscular i'uwer. Palpitation of the Heart. I>y-*
■>»'. Nervous Irrit vbility. iKrangemeut of the Dige>
iM 'ti -ns -»»*nera 1 !>-biliry. Symptoms of Consump
n. A' -
M«vru.i\.—The tearful effects of the mind are much to
i;-a bid— L ~ssi of Memory. Confusion of Iduas. IL*
hi ,f Kvil-Korehodingv Avei>i«>n to Society
I* 'trust. Love of Sol it ude. Timidity . »Vc.. are some ol
- *-vils produced.
• !! -rsoiw of persons of all ages can now J udge what i c
-i -. o'their declining health, losi'-g their
”"i; w- ik. pale, nervous and xm elated, having a sin
i: p'S.ira’icv about the eves, rotjgli and symptoms ol
t:)iut hii themselves by a certain practice in
:- l in wllr*ii alone, a habit frequently learned from
'rapamon*. or at bdiool. the effects of whjch ar»
',;.t!v felt, oven when asleep, and if nut cured render
u:tu,»m import.ble, ami drsiroys both mind and body
• mi I apply immediately.
Wfi\t a pity that u young nmu. the hopfr ol hia country,
i- -Urliug of his parents, should be snatched from all
•’ -rtpertu and enjoyments of life, hr the consequence o
'-n »rms from the path if nature.' and indulgin'; in a
*t»in s«e r «t habtt. >m h persons must, before content
-I«ci ina: a sound mind and body are the most necessary
iijisitnH to promote* oonnubi il happiness. Indeed, with
■>r thW, the journey through life becomes a weary pH
;r rtuje; the prospect hourly darkens to the view; the
u! Income* shadowed with despair and filled with the
i Un'h -lv reflection that the happiness of another be-
H"*» blighted with <»ur own.
b’h*n ih»» misguided and imprudent rotary of pleasure
ii* I* that h** ha 4 imbibed the reeds of this painful die
-av>. ;• t ,o .iften happens that an ill-timed senao uf shame
r Iretl ofdiacovery. deters him from applying to thexa*
r n .bom education and respectability, can alone be
him delaying till the constitutional symptoms of
< h -rrid disease make their appearance, such as ulcera
'* ■ 4, re throat. disea-'-d nos.*, nocturnal pain s in the heao
•’i 1 li'abn. dimussH of «ight. deafness, males on the shin
'U‘« and arm*. blotch.** "» the head, face and extremi
'■•v progressing with frightful rapidity, till at last th»-
of the mouth «»r the bones of the nose full in. and
victim of thin awful disease becomes ft horrid object ol
->i nitration. till death puls a period' to.his dreadful
by sending him t ■ ‘that Undiscovered Country
'M wli.»iit*e no traveller returns.”
h i* •* nitlmchoti/ foci that thousands fall victims to
'•*'* f-rnhL. disease, owing to the unskillfulness of igno
r.t I'r-t-nders. who. bv the use of that Diodly
r'ir-j min the ruiHtitation and make thfe residue of
‘ n.t v , (lr , r health to the care of the many
r :; K', ,| an 1 \V.»rthn*!i* Pretenders. destitute of knowl
'M.'u- t>r cii iracier. wh 1 copy Dr Johnston.B adm*
: ;, n 0, , ir *tvte tlif-iiMitvio. In* the newspapers. regn
'V r Pli vricianv incatmble of Curing, they keep
trifling . n ., n th after m-mth. taking their,filthy and
P 1 • in-in* compound*, nr us long as t7i*- smallest fee ca:.
;* ’ and in leave you with ruined health
■ -* 1 ‘'v«»r \<>ur gaPing di*app dntment
I>r ■ n -ti>n is th»* oily I’hv-ocian advertising.
Hi* t * 1-ntial or diploma* always hang in his office.
Hu or treatment are unknown to n)l others.
® r -, k r.*.( Mn H jjf, S p , ul j,, f t,,. -great hospitals of Mirnpe.
- r *’ in th-,* country a- <1 a more extensive Private Prac
'r' any nth-r Ph V-dcM n in tile world.
rotuv fuf‘*d at thi* in*ii‘ution. after
J*‘ r -.uil tii* nuio-i'.n* important Mirgical operations
'* * )v John-t.m wttnetked by the reporter* of the
v ' jn - “ Cliprer/’ nnd many ntb’-r papers, notices of
hit? :tp|H*ar>*d again am! again before the public.
-Mul-. ling a* a gmiflemon of character and re
‘POiiMhility. i n a rtU tfi i-'*nt guarantee to the afflicted
• 0 l-tiHri received unless pout-pah 1 vnd containing a
»i, e used on th«» reply Persons writing should slate
fsaa l send p >rtion of idv.*:tisement describing symptoms
'•pir* 0 . 01 should be particular in directing their
1 *0 his Institution. In the following manner:
9f the Baltimore Lock Hospital, Maryland
H. r DKHJi
O do.
$ vH.I
2 do.
•!" I
..I / , i
2 oo
1 00 I ill
I year.
4 nn
6 IH)
X Ul
14 on
23 oh
lo IK'
12 On
14 no
2n no
40 no
1 To
10 IKI
•otejnplatllig mar l lage
<>i game Uebilit'. Jfl'ij-
• inll >i • per
-prh-.i tli.
• us
b- 11l
‘b ' (u! M-Vlt.ll 1- UIII--
u, v•• !’•>«■> i. \ -rv.-iiv 11 ri
11-aT f . 1
Frini'-. Cough
The enlightened village, or town, of
Nightmare, Jn the tar Southwest, consist
ed of a heterogeneous collection of rude’y
constructed habitations as wild in appear
ance as the rough, demi-savage white
people who occupy them. It could not be
called sut yenens. for there are plenty of
such places and communities out there,
which serve as a connecting link between
the states of civilization and barbarism,
winch there blend—barbarism uppermost,
though civilization pretends to bear sway.
'J he place took its name from the earli
est settler in the vicinity, Old Jeroboam
Nightmare, an eccentric pioneer, whose
crazy exploits had been the terror of the red
skins, and the \vonder of the whites who
came after him. Their veneration for the
character of that uncouth dare-devil of a
hunter and fighter, caused them to adopt
h;s name for the settlement, long after he
was found dead in the woods, safe and
sound, with his scalp untouched, eliciting
the verdict from those who scooped his
grave, that “he wa'n’t kilt by no Ingen,
but died of his own accord.”
®lwiils |?olftj).
Ah! why, unfeeling Winter! why
6till thtgb thy torpid winur
Fly. melancholy aeaaou. fly.
Aud yield the year to Spring.
Spring—the young cherubim of love.
An exile in disgrace.
Flu* o'er ih«* scene, like Noah'n dove.
Nor finds a resting place.
Whe.n oa the mountain's azure peak
Alights her fciir) form.
Cold blows the wind—and dark and bleak
Arouini her roil the storm
11 lo the valley she repair
For shelter aud defence.
Thy wrath pursue* the uiormug there.
And drives her weeping thence
&h<- seeks the brook—the luithiesa brook.
Of her mumndlul gr,wn,
Feels the chill mug a* ot thy look.
Aud lingers into stone
Mie w«.<u-s her embryo liovrera in tuiti
To tear th ir infant heads;
Deal to the voice, hr-r flowers remain
Enchanted in their bed*.
In vain eho bids the trees expand
Their grt*u luxuriant chanxu;
Bare in the wiiqvruc** they stand.
Ami stretch their withering
lit-r favorite birds. in feeble nole».
Lament thy long delay ;
And strain tiieir Utile stammering throats
To charm Iby blast awviy
Ah! winter, calm thy cruel mge.
ileleaae the struggling year
Thy ppwer is past, decrepkl sage
Arise and disappear.
ihe stars that graced thy splendid night
Aie lost in wanner rays;
The sun, rejuicing in hi* might,
Lniollg celestial dayo.
Then why. usurping Winter, why
Still hugs thy Iruzen wing?
Fly. unrelenting tyrant fly
And yield the year I■> Spiinc
The advent of more whites and whisky
he.lped clear the wilderness, though it
could not lessen its Inconvenient remoteness
from established civilization : but fierce,
hardy, strange men dwelt there steeped
in unlettered ignorance and drink—their
odd garbs as frightful as their natures,
and causing the primitive to look
gentle by comparison. - . ..
As ti e number of dwellers increased
the people grew ambitious, and aspired to
the location of a post-office in their midst,
that thus their consequence might be aug
mented by a palpable recognition of their
existence by* Uncle Bam.
That much-abused old man was prevail
ed upon to comply, and a shapeless tene
ment was thrown together, and an un- |
painted pine sign nailed over the entrance, j
with the words “ Poast Orphis” burnt on i
it with a hot irpn. Jimmy Herod was |
appointed postmaster, with a Government |
salary of a hundred dollars a year : and j
all that remained now was for the mail- j
hag to come and bring letters and news- i
papers to the expectant Nightmare.
Jimmy Herod was not much ot a scholar,
but he was no fool, and did nol expect to
live upon a salary ofless that two dollars
a week; and so, to make .all his ends
meet and shake hands, and keep from
rusting in office, he caused the shanty post
office to serve him for a *• store,” and
dealt as largely as he could in fire-arms,
ammunition, hunter’s materials generally,
and whiskey—most especially the latter
—so that the Nightmares might have a
chance to get drunk when they came for a
letter and were disappointed.
They were doomed to manyi disappoint
ments. Not a solitary letter or paper
came for several and the people
| began to feel mortified .at the non-satis
faction of their long repeated inquiries
i 'J hey began, also, to blame Uncle Saril,
I and after the fashion of larger communi-
ties, complained of '• irregularities in the out whom sent for whom I I motion we
mails”—"some fault in Sam's agents ■ toss up.”
somewhere.” A post-office and postmaster | " Hoorav IGoin I Flip up?” was the
were there, it was true, and that was one approving erv of those who pretended to
comfort, but whar are the letters?” they no letters at all. “ Flip up, and let’s
howled and grumbled. Nut that any one open the critlur, and draw a sight on her
of them had any reason to hope for a let- insides.”
ter for his or her individual self; hut they “You can't do that trick, hoys,” cried
thought that somebody ought to. It the alarmed postmaster, snatching the let
would be gratifying to know that the ter hack and puling it in the breast-pocket
wheels were working. of his coat, which he buttoned up to the
The postmaster himself felt ashamed to chin. “ It's again the law.'
see the old, flat mail-bag come and go, “ b° is the law, anyhow !'
empty : but be did all he could to have ” Agin the law to open another man’s
the applicants, at least go full—of whisk v; I letter : and I'm postmaster here; and 1
and while he doled it out. he condoled with j don't allow no niddlccomcjigs onto I’ncle
them. To appease their wrath, he even ' Sam. nohow yon kin tix it b’pose (his let
let them search the bag themselves, and , ter are frum somebody to somebody who
kick it, in lieu of himself. Nightmare >s somebody ? ’I hat is the beeswax.—
was, indeed, an utterly unlettered part of ; Moreonto this, there's nobody here kin
the earth Thcye had never been a school read: couldn't tell ..tie .-winter of a pen
in the place, which could trulv boast as from another; and then how—l ax you —
others have, that in it ” there was no j could you wallet out what's inside, if it was lawyer, no doctor, and no \ cracked open before yon 7 'Unit's what I
town-poor." The people were indepen- ;ax!
dent, living on their own hook. The post- This argument was convincing; but
office was the only favor they had asked : curiosity was a-foot, and the disappointed
from the Government. •* But whar, whar j auditors conferred seriously among them
were them letters?” ' selves as to how they should overcome
Such was the long-unanswered inquiry, I tbe
until one aspielous day the tidings came I ‘‘ rhe y ma - v 1)6 mone >’ sald one
among them that " A letter has cornel"! 1 his suggestion increased anxiety.
The news spread like wild-tire. Wo- ! “Anybody here been expecting some
men and children ran from house to house i * was t * le oud lnt l ,nr }'-
in great excitement, announcing that “A 1 V ' c been expecting I wished I had
letter has come 1” : some." replied a jolly-lookin ruffian, in
„, , ! three ragged looking garments—shirts.
| J hey wouldn t believe it, at tirst.— ! , ~ , , , , ■ ,
' , , , , , , i pants, and boots. “II anybody had sent
; But Bill Handy had met John Digger, who , .. ar„ ,i .
, , • 'me any sweet-push, 1 m good tor three
: had seen i.uke J-wimlord, who had lust i > • , , r
, , , . - , , J gallons ot whisky on it; and 1 wont
taken ten horns ot whiskey with Jimmy i • •, ~ , ,-..i c i i
> quiver it 1 take a little alorehand.
Herod that morning; and the i * ~ , , , , , . .
, , , * , “1 had an uncle who used to write to
postmaster had not only shown the letter, 1 , , .. • , > ,i ■ ,
, , - ’ me when 1 was in Saint Lewv. added
but had sworn to it ,
.. . . ... - ■ another, with a sad, shamed face. "But
Such intelligence was not to be long ~ , ... i i . nr,
, , , ■ . .... c thar 1 could buy somebody to spell lor me
doubted; and the cry now was; “Who _ vvhieh are m ore’n kin be done here."
( is the letter lor .' ! ■■ Mv old father’s down to New Or-
All rushed to see it it was for any one leans." complained another, " and he must
ot them, and which. J hey had never 1 | iaV e writ me a tiling of that sort though
been such a congregation of the people of l le use( [ ter couldn’t.”
the place since the pine sign was put up. .. I) urn t | ie (>ost office." finally ejacu
■■ \Vho is the letter for. Jim Herod? ’ . h lte d one. “ What good of a post office,
assailed the postmaster from eiery side. , without a postmaster who can read tin
• •• Is it lor me ' Or me Or me ( letters to us ? I motion wc sot to and
And eaidi ot the crowd nicked his haul the old hut down. It has squam
hrains to consider who on earth was likely fecdled us long enough, with its flat
to have sent a letter to him. leather pocket, and its one boss pertin-
One would have thought that the post- sions!"
master would have looked elated, with ; .. Hold on. boys!” quickly cried Jimmy
such a prize in his hand. But no! He Herod, seeing mischief in their eyes, and
looked sheepish ; fearing the loss of all his goods. “ J
He turned the letter over and over re- . know it’s rumpling to good nature tube in
peatedly, in the midst of the crowd, and , sue h a hooddlepool ; but lets you all on
at last asked ’ U s smother it all over smooth, with as
“W ho expects one ; much baldface as you kin squizzle. Al
“Can’t you read? cried several. niy expense, boys —my expense I Come
“Of course 1 kin. I kin read. But— ! ; n an( j wobble down, and three cheers and
who expects a letter?” . S a whoop (or Uncle Sam. If we can’t
“No matter. Say who that ar letter | rea( ] tain’t Ins fault.”
* s f° r ‘ 1 While they were about it, some was
“If it was pnnted. 1 could read it,” | possessed, of a sudden, with a luminous
replied he coloring up, and vainly trying j which all wondered they had not
to puzzle out the superscription. : conceived before, and that was, to saddle
“ Why, the old, blind b’ar can t read!” ! two horses and send some one off, post
sneered some one ; and all regarded him j haste, to Joe Batter—the only man in
with looks ol contempt. i a n Nightmare who could read—and bring
“ Smart chance of a postmaster!” j him back on the spare horse, to solve the
“ He’s a heap of a scholar, by cata- ! mystery for them !‘
mount!” j “Yes, send for Joe!” was now the cry.
“ It’s spell mighty poor,” plead Herod ; i. Where is he ?”
“ and wrut like a snake-track.” “Six mile a wav, shoeing horses.”
“ Give us a sight on’t, yer small speci
men I” gruffly shouted the throng, seizing
the curiosity, glaring at it, and passing it | it!"
from hand to hand, with many murmers. j
But all were, in turn, confounded ; for '
the truth was. that not one could read;
and but few could even tell a printed let- [
ter, except after much study and perspi- ‘
ration of mind.
“ Who's it for ?" asked several. j
“ Chaw mo if I know. That big mark i
thar looks like a 11. Its for Sim Boldkin,
“ D’ye call that . ' thing thar a B?
T 1 at’s no B. '1 hat's aA. A stands for
Wat Annis. Here, Wat.”
“What ?" sjiid Wat. stepping up to^
lo jk
“ That's for you, Eh ?”
“No, it are not,” said Wat. That’s
two big letters, and one on 'era’s a S ; and
the secondary large one are a Q. or a I’
bite my eve oufn ray head, if I know
Which /” interposed another, examin
ing it. “Thar am not a Which, in (own.
So, if that opening mark are a H. H
stands for Hitch,.' and that means Sam
Hitch. 1 know'n him this two year. He
lives up at Beaver Crik. I’ll take it.—
What’s the sum t”
“ No you don’t, Bob Widdle 1” said ari
other, seizing the letter. “I. go you one
better on that pile. I know a sprinkling
of letters, myself: and that name thar
are no more Sam Hitch than a alligator
drinks whisky. Them tall scratches is a
couple of J’s. J. J.—George Goosecat
Whar’s Big George ?”
“ Gone down to the Forks —and you
1 know it —a week ago. Nobody ever wrut
; a letter to him, nayther.”
' “ Well, what the. devil’s in the rag,
; anyhow ?” exclaimed another impatient.
■ “ Here’s a bit of paper some fool has
I winfpled out for somebody here ; and it
1 racks the brains of all Nightmar to scritter
“ But i-m he read 1”
“ Yes. and write. I've seen him do
A horseman with a spare horse was at
once dispatched for the learned man.
Hope now increased their hilarity. Hi
larity increased their drinking. Drink
ing led them to banter each other upon
their ignorance. And joking upon that
fender point ultimately led to ill-feeling.
High words of wrath ensued, and quickly
following came divers challenges to sec
who was the best (namely the worst) man ;
and forth issued the halt’ intoxicated mob
of raving Nightmares, and incontinently
pitched into each other, in a grand free
fight all round the post office —such a light
as can only be achieved by the wild and
reckless men of the far Southwest.
Such gouging, biting, swearing, hug
ging, tumbling, yellingj rolling, battering,
bruising and bleeding, as was then and
there indulged in, had never before been
witnessed in that part of our glorious
country. For more than an hour it con
tinued, when, from sheer exhaustion, the
pictorial combatants, to the number of
fifty or sixty, desisted, in a most extraor
dinary plight of blood, dirt and rags; and
reason having partially resumed the throne
which had been usurped by their exces
sive animal spirits, they lay or leaned
about the premise's, patiently bleeding,
aching, panting and smarting—examining
into the state of their features, clothing,
flesh and bones—awaiting the arrival of
Joe Batter.
- At last, with his galloping escort, he
appeared, and threw himself from his
foaming horse, in wonder alike at the
singular errand, and the condition of the
crowd before him. “Here, Joe Batter,
tell us who this confounded letter is for!”,
cried the postmaster, handing him the
letter and a horn of whiskey.
Joe drank the latter with the calmness
-of one 'who was used to it; and then,
proudly summoning the attention of all,
read aloud the mystic subscription : “ Pe
ter Quitman!”
All started.
“ Peter Quitman! Why, it’s for Old
Pete Quitman after all. And he’s dead.
Died last week of whiskey. And now
what is to be done ?” was the general re
, “ Open it, Joe.”
“ Shall I ?” asked Joe, of Jimmy Herod.
■* Why. yes. No harm in reading a
dead man's letter, as I know on.”
“ Then here goes.”
The missive was unsealed, and Joe
Batter read it aloud to hts breathless
It was from Old Pete’s only child,
a daughter ot sixteen, who had years be
fore been sent to a Northern town, in the
care of a relative—her father’s constant
drinking preventing his ability to support
her. She was now a school-teacher, she
wrote, and begged her father to renounce
his fatal course, and come on and live
with her; otherwise, her affection would
prompt her to journey to Nightmare,
where, perhaps, she might still keep school.
Such a letter, just at that time, from
the innocent girl to her dead father, and
on such a subject, made a deep impres
sion upon all neuters, and a lasting and
reformatory one on many.
Soon after reading, with downcast eyes,
they rose, and went their saddened home
ward way. The unaffected, unpremedi
tated sermon had fallen upon their in
most hearts. Ignorant as they were, and
brutishly as they had acted, there was
much of man’s nobler nature glowing and
working within them.
As to the post office, though Jimmy
v Herod hopes little of it as fur as the mail
hag is concerned, for the present, he looks
forward with a patriot’s eye for the ob
.iteration of rebellion ; when he antici
pates the spread of civilization all over
South and West. His “store” is hii
main reliance, and it is true that he has
nired Joe Batter to “ ijo all the reading”
tor him. as long as he holds offiee—Joe to
lie paid with the freedom of whiskey at
the bar. Batter believes that he has the
best of the bargain ; but ‘delirum tremens’
may yet show him that such good fortune
is but fatal.
A day or two since, a friend of ours, a
merchant in this city, was hailed in the
street by a tall, rough-looking fellow, very
plainly attired in linsey-woolsey, cowhide
boots and slouched hat, who accosted him
" Hallo there, mister —I say! aint your
“ That is my name, sir,” replied the
“Well, how d’ye do? 'Spose you
don’t know me though.”
“ I do not recollect having seen you be
“ Well, 'spose not; but what I was
goin’ to say, was bain't you got an eighty
acre lot in Wisconsin, -county, eh t”
“ I believe I do own a lot there.”
“ Well, now, perhaps you would like to
sell that ere lot ?”
“ Well, sir, I am in a hurry; do you
wish to buy it?”
“ Well, now, I don’t ; what do you ask
for that ere lot?”
“ '1 wo thousand dollars, sir.
“ Two thou—two thousand dollars ? No;
you're joking I”
, “ If you wish to purchase, sir, you
know my price.”
“ Well, now, wouldn't you like to take
nineteen hundred, if you could get it, eh!”
“ Why, sir, who will give it?” asked
the merchant, eagerly, for he had bought
it only a few months since, at the govern
ment price.
“ Well, will you take it? that’s what I
want to know.”
“ Yes, sir ; I will take nineteen hun
“ Make out your papers then?” said the
stranger. “I’ve got the money; here’s
witnesses to the bargain and so saying,
he drew from his pocket a large bag
labelled “shot,” from which he counted
the rhino and took his deed, evidently
well pleased with his bargain.
“ You seem pleased with the trade,
sir,” said the merchant.
“ Well, I guess I might as well,” said
the stranger.
“ Why,” returned the merchant, “ have
you seen the lot?”
“ Well, I guess 1 have.”
“Is the land rem/nhibhj good? ” con
tinued the merchant, supposing he had
been trading with a green ’un.
“ It'll do ! said the buyer.
“ What is it worth?” said the seller.
“Well, I don’t know what it’s worth,
but I’ve dug about ten thousand dollars
worth of lead ore out on’t already! I
can’t tell how much more I’ll git!” and
.with a broad laugh be stuffed the deed
into his pocket and left our chopfallen
friend to consider how mhch lead ore the
balance of his eighty-acre lot in Wiscon
sin might contain.
O’We have no eggs for Easter
I n one of our southern seaboard cities, and
on a long street —almost a road—leading
therefrom to the country, “dwells an
apothecary,” a vety tall and remarkably
slender person—so thin in fact that one
would suppose he fed exclusively on his
own professional mixtures. No tailor
dare venture to cut a coat or any other
garment in any way approaching a snug
Ht to his person, for fear of haring the
work returned on his hands and in that
case they would be found to tit nobody
And yet, with this extraordinary paucity
of flesh there was a great supply of humor
in our hero ; he was extravagantly fond
of practical jokes, and practiced them
freely when occasion offered. He had
an electric machine secluded from sight
and when any lazy person sauntered into
his shop and ventured to indulge in a nap
or lounge, he was sure to be shocked into
activity, and pushed otf. He was a great
advocate for temperance, and yet was
ready to furnish gratis a brimming glass
of any sort of liquor any customer might
fancy, but liquor was invariably found to
produce more nausea than any other sen
But a contrivance which afforded him
most merriment was a skeleton of a full
grown person in a closet of easy access to
his shop. This skeleton was placed erect
on a platform which ran smoothly on
wheels ; and when the door was opened,
this platform was pulled forward by an
unseen thin wire or string, which connected
it with the bolting of the closet door.—
There were also similar wires fastened to
the wall behind the skeleton and passing
over eftch shoulder bone, were attached to
the wrist. Consequently, when the closet
door was opened, the platform on which
the skeleton stood not only advanced but
both arms and hands were lilted up
wards I
if any intoxicated, noisy, boisterous, or
imprudent fellow came into his shop, the
apothecary would manage, in some way,
io lead him to that open door ; and it
rarely failed (as he used to say) l, to take
the liquor and spunk out of him.” He
bad two or three apprenticed laris in his
employ, who naturally relished these
jokes, and pracbcad them with his full
consent, when he might be absent.
One day during his temporary absence,
a sailor came drilling along —occasionally
stopping and dancing a jig and singing, tu
the great n.e.Timei.t of a gang of toys
who followe I him. He was just drunk
enough to play fool, but not too drunk to
navigate. He eventually brought up at
the door of our apothecary, and bracing
himself in the door-way. yelled out:
“ Hallow, my hearties! here you are
with your stuffed alligators and gallipot
mixins for sick folks! Why the devil
don't you keep grog for tuff folks like me T”
and here he shuffled off a rigadoon, and
made himself very merry.
“ Well, Jack,” said one of the lads,
“ what kind of grog do you want.”
“ I’ll take brandy,” was the prompt
“Very well, go and help yourself;
(handing him a tin mug,) you will find it
in that closet.”
Jack went as directed and pulling open
the closet door, found himself within
grasping distance of an advancing skele
ton ; be incontinently fell back a step,
dropped his tin cup, turned ash-color,
made one spring to the door, and when be
reached the street, took to the middle of
it, and ran like a deer till he reached a
supposed safe distance.
Shortly after this our apothecary re
turned, and being informed of the event
was greatly amused, but sadly lamented
his absence.
“ I wouldn’t have missed seeing it,”
said he for a great deal. Ido wonder if
he wih come back this way 1” But this
was not probable, and yet it was the only
way to town.
In the course of a few hours, however,
sure enough. Jack was heard at a distance
on his way back, singing and dancing. -i-
Our apothecary, hopefully anticipating an
encore, went out on his doorsteps and ele
vated his thin person, and extending his
long emaciated arm and hand, very
kindly beckoned to Jack to repeat bis
visit. Jack no sooner saw him than he
put his helm hard aport,” and sheered
over to the other side of the street, button
ing his jacket over his breast, and pressing
bis tarpaulin closer on his head, so as to
be ready for a run if chase was given.
“Ah yey, old bag of bones, says Jack }
“there you are again, are you? Ton
think I don't know you now you’ve gpt
your clothes on and away he went yn
his course, leaving our apothecary rather
puzzled in deciding which of the two got
the sharpest end of the joke.
Brown county, Indiana, from which
tlie cry of heavy Federal taxes comjes,
pays under the U. S. revenue law, for (he
first three months, the enormous, crush
ing, stupendous and tremendous tax' of
just 22 cents! !
W How to make pantaloons last—
make the coat and vest first.
NO. 9