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DERSIONED AN2HOUN
*
FECTION ABLER, ROTS, WiCBS
«P*gfe *»tW«Wid.y,
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I? WHITE WHEAT FLOVi
IT FLOUR, CORN HEAL, AC,
I fee pale tnlarc* or small
id price my Hock and. you tlu
p ns any in town.
■ JACOB RUE
ECTIONJEHY
YSTER SALOON,
iSORIBER WORM) IN.
tiiwof Altooaa «ni y»
f« KCt aod FHCIT ilwaji
r«TS beat ariicles to In gr»t
C» sift : '
EK SALOON
!,,|i« which he willserya up OYSTtiI
f tIWfHUOB. .
9 astJLD <e m»hK)t MW.
tprepared la rami; cakea-candies. Ac.
"'P*' I .*'"- O' IxTltM * shsreofpsUit
[that he can reader fall satuhclloo t.
an Mtf i»iaaß,ii OBTlnrfnta»tt*«.t»t
gJWU- . OTTO BOSS!
HETTINGER’S
News Agency,
, No. 7, MAIN STREET
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iIcCBUM & DEBN,
VOL. 7.
THE ALTOONA TRIBUNE.
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Obitosry notice. exceeding ten lines fiftyceptaesqna e
BALTIMORE LOCK HOSPITAL
. ES TABLIiiUKD AS AKKFUOE PROM QUACKERY.
Xhe Only Place Where a (Jure Gan
be Obtained. '
JOHNSON has discovered the
I L»: Certain, Speedy and only Effectual Remedy in
.u far all Private Diseases. Weakness of the Back
Strictures, Affection, of tl.e KKiueys un.i Blad.
•r Invoiafttary Discharges, Impotent, General Debility,
v r Dvapepaj', Languor.. Spirits. Confusion
■Mdea*. Palpitation of tl>e Heart. Timidity. Tremblings,
of Sietzt or Giddiness. Disease of the Head,
i ,r .it N'o»e or Skin, Affections of the Liver, Lungs. Stom
,'r Bowels—those Terrible disorders arising from the
I,’itsrr Bsbits of Youth—those sscaw and solitary prac
‘ more fatal to theii vicUms than the song of syrens to
-i , Marin-r» of Ulysses, blighting their most brilliant
~,,5 01 anticipations, rendering marriage .Ac., impossi-
young men
‘ .leritllr wlio have become the victims of Solitary v ice,
■ivt dreadful and dettitive habit which annually sweeps
an untimely glare thousands of Young Men ol the most
cubed talents find brilliant intellect, who might otlier
hive entranced listening Senates with the thunders
vVineucc. or waked to ectasy the living lyre, may rail
trill* full confidence.
MARRIAGE.
UarrieJ Ivr»on», or Young Men cotemplatmg marriiye,
;iwarc of physical Weakness, organic debility, defer
,uln" ic„ speedily cured. , _ _
11.. places himself under the care of Dr. J. ma} re
.eioudv confide in his honor as a gentleman, and confl-
Jrutiv relv upon his skill ns a physician.
’ ORGANIC WEAKNESS
1 Cured, and full Vigor Restored.
This Distressing Affection—which renders Life miserable
■id marriage impossible —is the penalty paid by the
.ictinn of improper indnlgeuccs. Young persons are to
,„t to commit exces tea from not being awate of the dread-
Mt conscinences that may ensue. Now. who that uuder
•uals Ills subject will pretend to deny that the power of
•lirreation is host sooner,hy those falling into improper
orbits than hr the prudent!, Besides being deprived the
.insures of healthy offspring, the most serious and ,de
•tractive symptoms to both body and mini arise. The
.vstera becomes Deranged, the Physical and Mental Func
tions Weakened. Los- of Procreative Power, Nervous Irn
: ibilitv. Dvspepsia, Palpitation of the Heart, Indigestion
■'oustituWraal Debility, a Wasting of the Frame. Cough.
Consumption, Decay and Death. _
OFFICE, NO. 7 SOUTH FREDERICK STREET.
Lefi hand side going from Baltimore street, a few doors
;rom the corner. Fail not to'observe name and number
Letters must be paid and contain a stamp. The Doc
:Vs Diplomas hang in his office
A CURE WARRANTED IN TWO DAYS.
X' r Mercury or Ifusemt Drugt.
DR. JOHNSON.
Member of the Royal College of Surgeons, London, Gra/P
otte from one of the most eminent Collegea in the United
States, and the greater part of whose life ha«, Been spent in,
the hospitals of London, Peris, Philadelphia and elae
ahere. has effected some of the most astonishing cures
that w-ere ever known j.jnany troubled with ringing
head and ears wlien asleep, great nervousness, being
alarmed at sadden 1 eonada, bashfulness, with frequent
'Jlnshing, attended sometimes with derangement of mind,
were cared immediately.
TAKE PARTICULAR NOTICE,
Dr. J. addresses all those who have injured tnemselves
tv improper Indulgence and solitary habits, which ruin
noth body and mind, unfitting them for either business,
•lady, society or marriage. ;
Taise are some of the tad and melancholy effects pro*
loced bv early habits of youth, viz: Weakness of: the
Back and Limbs, Pkins In the Head, Dimresa_®f Sight,
Lb*« uf Moscular Power, Palpitation of the Heart, Hys*
iferTooß Irritability, Derangement of the Diges
functions. General Debility, Symptoms of Consrupp
tion. 4c. * 1 . „ .a,
MtarraiXT.—The fearful effects of the mind are much to
‘/f dreaded—L we of Memory, Confusion of Ideas., De
gression of spirits, Bvll-Fore boding*, Aversion lo Society*
vlf-DUtrust, Love of Solitude, Timidity, Ac., are sonfe of
:}»evil* produced. . .
Thousikds Of persons of all ages can now j udge wnat is
the cause of their declining health, losing their rigor, be-
Mming weak, pale, perrons and emaciated, baring a sin*
pilar appearance about the eyes; congh and symptoms of
consumption.
YOUNG MEN . .
ffuo hare injured themselves by* certain practice in
dulged In when alone, a habit frequently lairned from
ml companion*, or at school, the effect* of which are
dghtly felt, erco when asleep, and if not cured render*
marriage Imposfble, and destroy* both mind and body,
should apply immediately.
What a pity that a young man, the hope of hi* country,
the darling of Ws parent*, should be snatched from all
prospects and enjoyment* of life, by the consequence of
from the path of nature, and indulging in a
tvrtaiu secret habit. Such persons nusr. before coutem
jdating
i eflect that a sound mlod und body are the roost nc'Cisury ,
requisites to promote conttobial happineee. Indeed, with
out these, the Journey through life becomes a weary pil
grimage; the prospect hourly darkens to the view; the
mind becomes shadowed with despair and fitted with the
melancholy reflection -that • the .happiness of another be
comes blighted with our own.
DISEASE OF IMPRUDENCE. ;
When the misguided and Imprudent votary of_ pleasure
Suds that he has imbibed the seeds of this painful dis
it too often happens that an ill-timed sense of shame.
>r dread of discovery, deters him from applying to those
ah - *, from education and respectability, can alone be
friend him, delaying till the constitutional'symptoms of
this horrid disease make their appearance, such ** uteer*
t*rl sore throat, diseased nose, nocturnal pain s In the; bead
aniiimbs. dimness of sight, deafness, nodes on the shin
bone* and arms, blotches, on the head,%Cafce and extremi
t i»8, progressing with - frightful rapidity, till at last the
palate of the month or the bones of the nose fall in, and
the victim of this awful disease becomes a horrid object of
commiseration, till death pots a period to his dreadful
sufferings, by sending him to that Undiscovered Country
from whence no traveller returns.”
• It is a melancholy fad that thousands fall victims to,
’ his terrible disease, owing to the unskillfulness ofigno
r 'at pretenders, who, by the use of that Deadly ftoiton*
Mercury, ruin the constitution and make the residue of
i if- miserable.
Rtf.
&'***
S?.
, STRANGERS ,
Trut not your live*'** health to the care of the many
Unlearned and Worthien Pretenders, destitute of knowl-
name or character, wh> copy Dr. Johnston’s adver
tisement*. or style th*®* e l T€B ’ l n newspapers, rega
lly Kincated Phv*fclan*. incapable of Caring, they beep
yo«|triinng month after month, taking their flUny and
poisonous compound*, or as long as the smallest fee caa
** obtained, and in despair, leave yon with mined, health
to «igh over your galling disappointment,
hr. J-ihnstou is the only Physician advertising.
His credential or diplomas always hang In his office.
His remedies of treatment are unknown to all other*,
prepared from a lift* spent in the great hospitals of Ktarope,
the first in the country and a more extensive Private Pme
ii« than any ether Physician in the world.
£pJ)O
alba****
%*■*
*ss&*
%Sff-
. INDORSEMENT OF THE PRESS, -
The many thousands cured at this institution, year after
year.aod ths numerous important Surgical operations
Performed by Johnston, witnessed by the reporters of the
Sun.” u Clipper” and many oth'r papers, notices of
which have appeared again and again before the public,
“•<ide« his standing as a gentlemen of character and re*
•pontibillty, is a sufficient guarantee to the afflicted;
0V
w^r* **
SKIN DISEASES SPEEDILY CURED.
a o letters received unless post-pak* and containing a
Umplo be usedonthe reply Persons wntlngshouldstato
portion of advertisement describing symptom*
, writing chould Wpartlcular in directing their.
nt#f * to ihi* Institution, ip the following manner:
MARRIAGE,
A JOHNM. JOHNSTON. M. 0.,
Ofth. BAlttawn Look Bo.pittl, Mu^U
(£M(t f
WEEP MOT FOR THE FA.LLEW.
Beapetbllj dediatad ta tW fuati, Botairiid frieadi af
FRED. q. WARD,!
Who fell at the battle of Aotietam, Sept. 17,1882,
BT JAMES WJD.VET.
Weep uot for the fallen; hei sleeps wifh the brave.
Who abed their life current! orir country tp save;
HU detsla were of valor; he fought till h« fell;
Hie death vm a triumph; he smiled a farewell.
Weep not for the fallen; though stricken thy heart,
And deep be thy sorrow when summoned \to part
With thy eon so loving, so kind and so trjie,
Whose name will be cherished-by all wbotn be knew.
Weep not for the fallen; though vacant alaeat
heft in the home circle, that quiet retreat;
Where oft the one mitsln&iat jclose of th£ day.
With hi« books and studies phaad hours jaway,
Weep not for the fallen; your .brother so Bear
Still thinks of bis be of goocf cheer;
Though dead, he is living, on Canaan’s bright shore.
Ere long yon shall, greet him, to part nevermore.
Weep not for the fallen; he rose when he .fell.
And now is crowned victor, wjth angels to dwell:
And yon, his kind parents, het'wait* for yon there —
Just over the river,—hie glory to share.
Weep uot fur the fallen; ohl why should-you mourn?
Look there, just over the mist covered bourne.
Sec! see! thy son living encircled With light.
Hard by life’s clear river, all radiant and bright.
Altpona, Nov. 22, 1862.
geltit IpHtlliavg.
COXTIDNT XTNSCBEW ANY MORE.
Captain Evans was an old navy veteran
of about sixty-seven; years. He had lost
an arm and an eye years before, atNavarino:
which last action settled his understand
ing, both legs being carried away by-chain
shot. Cork legs were coming . into fash
ion. Captain Evans had a pair of the
first quality made for him ; he had a false
arm and hand; into the latter he cduld
screw a fork or a hook, as occasion re
quired, and being gloved the deficiency was
not easity perceived. As increasing years
rendered him infirm, his valet took ad
vantage of - him, so that he wrote to bis
brother, a Somersetshire squire, to send
him up some tenant’s son as a body ser
vant. No matter how stupid, if but
■honest and faithful,”: lie wrote.;
His brother was absent, and -sent to his
steward to select a lad. This the steward
did, but merely mentioned that Captain
Evans was infirm, not Apprising the. bump
kin of his new master’s deficiencies, and
sent him to London at once, iwhere the
Captain lived. ; .
At ten at night he arrived, and was
immediately shown to Captain ;Evans’ sit
ting-room. ’-if
“ What is your name’” ;
“ My name be John, zur.” ;
t “ Well, John, my rascally valet is ab
sent again without leave. lielp me to
,bed, as it is late, and then you can go
down to supper.” ' : ’
Adjourning to the bed room, the old
gentleman said: i
“ John, unscrew iny leg.”
“ Zur T” said John.;
“ Unscrew my leg, ibis way, see.”
John did so tremblingly.
“John, unscrew my other leg ”
“Zur?” said John.
“ Unscrew my other leg, sir!”
John 'did so, now in a state of bewil
derment.
“.John, unscrew this arm.” i
Trembling stilt, more, to the Captain’s
great amusement he obeyed. ;
“John, put this eye on the table.”
John took it ah if it would have bitten
him.” 1 ; ; i
“Now, John —no] I won’t take the
other eye out—lift me ; into bed.”
This done, the waggish Captain con
tinued : , i I
“John, beat up the pillow; it is not
comfortable.”
It was done. j ;
“ Beat it up again air; it is quite hard.”
Again John shook up the pillow.
“ That won’t do j John, I can’t get my
head comfortable.. John, ufiscrew my
head. '■
“No, no. I’ll unscrew no more,” and
John fled from the .room to the kitchen,
shoaling his master was the devil, taking
himself to pieces like fia clock. !
O* A horse doctor in a Western town
was once elected constable. He was a
thrifty well to do Carrier and blacksmith,
and doctored and shod all the Horses for
twenty, miles around. After fading con
stable for a year or two, he took - to hard
drinking and became poor. ■ Finally, he
determined to reform, but found, it hard
work to quit his drinking -habits. One
day a man brought ja horse to hip to be
dottored. “ The ' horse seems to be
sound," said the, man, “but you see he
won’t drink.” “If that’s all \yhat ails
him.” said the furrier, “ yoii have only to
elect him constable^ I ®’! 1 <*ri nk then fast
enough, by thunder ? I’ve tried it, you
gee and know/’! . -j
.— i-
g- A n afflicted husband was returning
from the funeral of his wife, when a friend
asked him how he &as. |
“ Well,” hi? said pathetically, I “ I think
I feel the better for that little talk.”
altoona, pa., "Tuesday, December bo, i 862
JACKBOH AHD CALHOUH
A scene at the White House, 1833, at
the lodgings of John C. Calhoun the same
night and a death bed scene at the Her
mitage, were thus graphically portrayed
by Senator Cowan, of Pennsylvania, in
the debate on the Confiscation Bill. It is
a very striking picture: 1
If Calhoun had been executed for trea
son in 1888, there would have been no
.rebellion now; and perhaps he came
nearer his execution than most people are
aware. You well know the conspirators
in South Carolina proceeded to the com
mission of the overt act.
Calhoun the chief adviser. . Gen.
Jackson knew it well, and determined
that the law should be put in execution
against him; not against the poor mis
guided men that followed, but against the
chief conspirator. He had resolved on
his prosecution and trial, and, if convict
ed, for treason. He said
that if he had an Attorney General that
would not draw an indictment, he would
find one that would. Things were ap
proaching, the crisis. Calhoun became
aware of Jackson’s determination, and
sent Letcher of Kentucky to confer with
him on the subject, and to learn his real
intentions. He went to the President’s
house. The President received him with
his usual courtesy; but, sir, that mild
blue eye, which at times would fill with
tears and overflow like that of a woman,
was kindled up that night with unwonted
fire. He reasoned with him for a while,
then paced the floor. His indignation
became . fully aroused. At times he
stormed in passion towering and sublime,
till, rising 1 to his full height, his frame di
lating and quivering, every feature glow
ing with the living fire within, with that
oath which in him never seemed profane,
but the struggle of a great soul to take
hold of the Almighty for the strength of
his purpose, he declared to Letcher that if
another step was taken, “ by the Eternal,”
he would try Calhoun for treason, and if
convicted, he would hang him on a gal
lows as high as Hainan’s.
Letcher could not misunderstand his
purpose. He saw that he was terribly in
earnest. From that interview he hast
ened to the lodgings of Calhoun. He had
retired to his bed. He knocked at his bed
chamber and was admitted. Calhoun re
ceived him sifting up in bed, with his
cloak around him. Letcher detailed all
that occurred, giving the entire conversa
tion between him and Jackson, and des
cribed the old' hero as he took that oath.
There sat Calhoun, drinking in eagerly
every word, and, as Letcher proceeded, he
became pale as death, and trembled like
u.ff aspen leaf. Yes, air, Calhoun, great
as he was in intellect, quaked in his bed!
And for what? Was it from fear or
cowardice ? All, no. It was the con
sciousness of guilt. He was the arch
traitor who, like Satan in Paradise,
“ brought death into the world and all our
woe.” Within one week he caine into
the Senate, and voted for every section of
Mr. Clay’s bill, and Gen. Jackson was
prevailed upon not to prosecute him for
his" crime.
I liaye been told upon authority upon
which I rely, that during the last days of
Gen. Jackson at the. Hermitage, while he
was slowly sinking under the ravages of
consumption—that mysterious disease,
which, while it .wastes the body, leaves, if
possible, the mind more clear, and nearer
to inspiration—he had a conversation
with his family physician and friend.-
While lying upon his bed one day, and
speaking of his past Administration, he
inquired:
“ What act of my Administration, in
your opinion, will posterity condemn with
the greatest severity ?”
The physician replied that be was un
able to answer—that it might be the re
moval, of the deposits. '
“ Oh, no!” said the General.
“Then it may be the specie circular?”
“Not at all!”
“ What is it, then ?”
“ I can teQ you,” said he, rising up in
his bed, bis eyes kindling up: “Ican ted
you. Posterity will condemn me more
because I was persuaded not to hang John
C- Calhoun as a traitor than for any other
act of my life.”
Sir, docs not this seem inspiration now?
If Calhoun, the originator of this conspi
racy to dissolve the Union, and to build
up the Southern Confederacy, bad been
executed for his treason, we would have
had no rebellion now.
A simple and ingenious method of
mending water-pipes is described by a cor
respondent of the Scientific American.—■
There was a pressure of water on the
pipes of more than fifty feet head. The
two ends of the pipe were plugged and
then a entail pile of broken ice, and.salt
was placed around them ; in five minutes
the water in the pipe was frozen, the
plugs removed, a short piece of pipe in
serted and perfectly soldered, and in five
minutes more the ice in the pipe was
thawed and the water flowing freely
through it.
Prepare to meet the Carrier Boy.
[rSTDEPEKDEXT FN EVERYTH INO.]
As a gentleman was passing along one
of the more retired streets of London, he
stumbled over the body of an old man
whom, on examination, he found in a
state of excessive inebriation and who had,
in consequence, tumbled down and rolled
into the kennel. He bad not gone many
yards further when he found an old wo
man very nearly in the same circumstan
ces. It immediately struck Mr. L. that
this was some poor old couple,'who, over
come with the fatigues of the day, had
indulged too freely in some restorative
beverage, whether Hodge’s or Deady’s the
historian does not say. Full of this idea,
and animated by his own charitable dis
position, Mr. L. soon made arrangements
for the reception of the poor couple into a
neighboring public house, where the land
lord promised that the senseless pair
should be undressed and placed in a warm
and comfortable bed. To bed they were'
put. Mr. L. left them lying side by side,
snoring in concert, and likely to pass to
gether a more harmonious night than per
haps would have been the case, had they
possessed the full enjoyment of their
senses. L. journeyed homewards, filled
with thesatisfaction arising from the per
formance of a kind deed, and never re
flected that there was a possibility of his
having joined a pair whom the laws ot
God had not made one. The fact was,
that the old man and the old woman were
perfect straneers to each other, and.dheir
being found in a similar situation was
purely accidental. In London, however
extraordinary it may appear, many poor
folks get drunk at night, especially Satur
day night, and what is not less Wonderful,
they are often in this state unable to pre
serve their balance —the laws ot gravity
exert their influence, and the patient rolls
into the kennel. Soundly—soundly did
this late united pair sleep and snore till
morning—when the light broke in upon
them, and disclosed the secret. Imagine
the consternation of the old lady when
the fumes of intoxication were dissipated,
and she opened her eyes upon her sleeping
partner: where she was or how she had
been put there, she knew not. It was
clear that she was in bed with a man, and
that was an event which had never hap
pened to her before, —so she set up a
scream and roused the old gentleman,
whose astonishment was not a jot less
than, the old lady’s. She sat upon end
in bed, staring at him ; he moved himsell
into a similar situation, and rivited his
eyes upon her, and so they remained for a
few instants, both full of perfect wonder
ment. At last it struck the poor old lady
that this was some monster of a man, who
had succeeded in some horrible Resign upon
her honor ; the idea in a moment gave her
the look and manner of a fuiy ; she sprang
out of bed and roared aloud to the admi
ration of all the inmate? of the house, who,
attracted by her first screams, were al
ready peeping in at the door of the room.
“ Make me an honest woman thou wretch,”
she cried, —“ Villain that thou art, make
an honest woman of me, or I’ll be the
death of thee;” down she sat upon the
bed stocks, and as she attempted to dress *
herself, she interlarded her occupation
with calling for vengeance upon her hor
rible seducer, who sat trembling at the
other side of the bed, vainly attempting in
his fright to insinuate his legs into his old
tattered breeches. The landlord at last
interfered with the authority of his sta
tion ; and, on inquiry, found that no
breach had been made winch could not
be easily repaired; The old gentleman
was asked if he had any objection to take
his fair bed-fellow for a helpmate during
the remainder of his life ; he stammered
out his acquiescence as well as he could,
and the enraged virgin consented to
smooth down her anger on satisfaction
being made to her injured honor. The
bargain was soon struck; the happy pair
were bundled off to church, amid the
langhing shouts of the mob, where a par
son waited to make good the match too
precipitately formed by our charitable
friend.
A Congresional candidate was thus
interrupted by an inebriate: ‘My friends,’
said he “ I am proud tc see around me to
night the hardy yeomanry of the land,
for I love the agricultural interests of
the country; and well may I tyve them,
my fellow citizens, for I was born a far
mer—the happiest days of my youth was
in the peaceful avocations ot a son of the
soil. If I may be allowed to use a figura
tive expression, my friends, I jnay say,
I was raised between two rows of corn.,,
“A pumpkin! by thunder!” exclaimed
the inebriated Joe.,
Coming to the Point.— Frank,” said
a young woman to a diffident suitor;
who had for some time been making
evening calls upon herj without fully de
claring himself—“ Frank, if you wish to
marry me, I wash to know it—so that 1
may make preparations j”-
A long pause ensued—length Frank
broke silence and exclaimed, “No meat, cr What is the difference between a
no eoyn, an«} fishing almost over! Good drummer boy and a poundofmeat? One
Lord!—l can’t!” Frank’s answer was w*dghs a pound and the otbejr pounds
at least a Jrank one. away.
A SHORT COURTSHIP.
SCEHE Of A POLICE OFFICE.
The prisoner in this case, whose name
was Dicky Swivel, alias “Stove Pipe
Pete,” was placed at the bar and ques
tioned by the Judge to the following ef
fect; •
Judge—“ Bring the prisoner intocourt.”
Pete-r-“ Here I am, hound to blase, as
the spirits of turpentine said when he was
all a-fire.”
“We will take a little fire out of you.
How do you live?”
“ I aint particular, as the oyster said
when they asked him if he’d be roasted or
fried.”
“ We don’t want to hear what the oys
ter said, or the spirits of turpentine either.
What do you follow
“ Anything that comes in my way, as
the locomotive said when he rap over a
little nigger.”
“Don’t care anything about the locomo
tive. What is your business?”
“ That's various, as the cat said
she stole the chicken off the table.”
“If I hear any more absurd compari
sons, I will give you twelve months.”
“ I’m done, as the beefsteak said to the
cook.”
“ Now, sir, your punishment shall de
pend on the shortness and correctness of
your answers. I suppose you live by
going around the docks?”
D C
“No, sir, I can’t go around the docks
without a boat, and 1 ain’t got none;”
“Answer me, sir. How do you get
your bread ?”
“ Sometimes at the baker’s and some
times 1 eat taters.”
“No more of your stupid nonsense.
How do you support yourself?”
“ Sometimes on my legs, and sometimes
on a cheer, (chair.)
“How do you beep yourself alive?”
“ By breathing, sir.”
“ I order you to answer this question
correctly: How do you do.”
“ Prefty well, I thank you, Judge.
How do you do ?”
“ 1 shall have to commit you.”
“ Well, you’ve committed yourself first
that’s some consolation.”
ADVICI? TO JOKEES.
A new work published in London, en
titled, “The hand-book of Joking,”-gives
the following advice, which is worthy of
remembrance:
“ Always let your jokes be well-timed.
Any time will do for a good joke, but no
time will do for a bad one. Any place
will fit, provided the joke itself be fitting,
but it never fits if a joke be out of its
place. No man can order a joke as he
would his coat, at Stultz’s or bis boots at
Hoby’s. Jokes are not only out of prder,
but we have known jokers ordered out;
in short, any man who attempts to joke
out of order, should cither be provided
with a stragbt waistcoat, or be kicked out
of society. In concocting jokes as in
making puddings, each person employs
similar materials, but the quality of the
dish is entirely dependent on the skill of
the artiste. As gold becomes refined by
passing through the ordeal of fire, so truth
is the purer for being tested by the fur
nace of fun; for jokes are, to facts, what
melting pots are to metal. The ntlerer
of a good joke is a useful member of so
ciety, but the maker of a bad one is a
more despicable character than the veriest
coiner by profession.
“ A joke from a gentleman is an act of
charity ; an uncharitable joke is an un
genf lemanly act The retort courteous is
the touchstone of good feeling; the reply
churlish the proof of cold-headed stupid
ity.”
Gek. -Rosecbans’ Gallantry. —W. D.
B. is Assistant Provost Marshal General
at; Gen. Rosecrans’ headquarters, and has
charge of the female department. Oc
casionally a refractory female breaks away
from Capt. 8., and insists upon seeing the
General. One of these yesterday rushed
up to General Rosecrans, intruding her
self between General R. and General
Hamilton, saying:
“Is this Gen Bosecranst”
“ Yes, Madam.”
“ Well, General can’t I have a pasd*.”
“ Madam, (with a lowbowj it is not
my business to give you a pass: it is my
duty to refuse it.” •
? Another lady approached on another oc
casion and began with a pitiful story
about her poor dear, rich uncle.”
i “ I condole with you madam,” Said the
General, in that quiet way of his. “It
is unfortunate that uncles will sometimes
get seriously indisposed. I, too, have a
dear, afflicted uncle.”
'» Then you can sympathize with me,”
sjbe said. ! <
“Yes, madam, Ido; and when my
Uncle Sam gets over his present serious
indisposition I will give you a pats.”
It would of course be an and climax
| which woiild ruin the story to relate what
the lady did.—Cor. Cincinnati Qazette- -
EDITORS AND PROPRIETORS
A DOUBTFUL CHARACTER.
A letter from Nashville to the Press,
says For the past two weeks the mili
tary authorities have been very strict, and,
as no person is permitted to leave the citjr
who is not loyal, necessarily a vast amount
of questions takes place at the Provost
Marshal’s office. A tew days ago, a tall, ,
dejected-looking middle-aged man made
his apperance before Col. Gillem, and so
licited a pass. The first question put by e
the Colonel was—
Are you a loyal man!”
“Well,” said the mysterious-looking
solicitor, “I expect I am.”
“ Yon expect your are; don’t you know
whether yon are a Union man or not V’
“ I expect I don’t know, sir.” ;
The appearance of the man and hip
manner of conversation rather non-pluased
Colonel Gillem, who continued, how
ever—
“ Where do you wish to go, sir 1”
“ I want to go home.”
“ Where is your' home?”
“ In East Tennessee.”
“ When did you arrive in this city ?”
“ Several years ago^”
“Where was you at the commence
ment of the rebellion, sir?”
“ In this city.”
“ Did yon ever hear Andy Ewing make
any of his speeches 1”
“ No, sir.”
“ Did you ever intend to take up arms
against the Government of the United
States?”
“ No, sir.”
“ Have you a family in East Tennessee,
sir?”
“Yes, sir—a wife and two daughters.”
“ How long is it since you have seen
your family ?”
“ Ten years.”
“ Ten years! Where have you been all
that time?”
In the State prison, sir.”
“Mr. Bent,” said the colonel, turning
to one of his clerks, “ give this man a pass
to East Tennessee.”
6* Mrs. Mary Adams, wife of George
Adams, of Nottingham township, Wash
ington county. Pa., died at her residence,
on the 4th .inst. The disease of which
Mrs. Adams died was ascites, and was per
haps one of the most remarkable on re
cord. She was tapped regularly every
four weeks, from 'January, 1857, to a
short period before her death, and during
that time the enormous quantity of 1,157
gallons of water was taken from her, the
amount taken at each time varying from
ten to fourteen and a half gallons. The
last time but one she was tapped fifteen
gallons were obtained, and two weeks af
ter this eight gallons and three half pints.
Dr. King, of Monongahela city, was her
tending physician.
CaT My friend Richards, says an Eastern
correspondent, was an inveterate chewer
of tobacco. To break himself of the habit,
be took np another, which was that of
making a pledge abont once a month that
he would never chew another piece. He
broke his pledge just as soon as he had
made it The last time I had seen him,
he told me that he had broken off for
good, bat now, as I met him he was tak
ing another chew.
“ Why, Richards,” says I, “you told
me yon had given np that habit, but I see
you are at it again.”
“Yes,” he replied, “I have gone to
chewing, and left of lying.”
Good Advice. —lf your coat is com
fortable, wear it two or three times
longer; no matter if the gloss is off. If
you have no wife, get one; if you have,
God bless her, stay at home with her, in
stead of spending your evenings inexpen
sive fooleries. Be honest, frugal, plain
—seek content and happiness at home—
be industrious and persevering: and our
word for it, if you are in debt, you will
soon become easy; no matter who may be
President, or what may be the price of
stocks.
47 A. livery stable keeper named Spnrr,
would never let a horse go without re
questing the lads not to drive fast. One
day a man called for a horse to attend a
funeral. , “ Certainly,” said Spnrr; “ but,”
he added, forgetting the solemn; purpose
for which the young man wanted the
horse, “don’t drive fast.” “Why, just
look a here, old fellow,” said the some
what excited young man, “ 1 want you to
understand that I shall keep up with the
procession, if it kills the horse.”
47Two deacons were once disputing
about the proposed site for a new grave
yard, when the first remarked. “PU
never be buried in that ground as long as
I live.”
“ What an obstinate man,” said the
second, “if my life is spared I wilL
: “ Biddy*” said a lady, “ J wish you
would step over and see how old Mrs.
Jones is this morning.”. In a fewminutes
Biddy returned with the information that
Mrs. Jones was just seventy-two years,
seven months and two days old.
NO. 46.