WTjt ll •' “J p&s,. P^GLV S * lA^a?Ac^lY .. Jiarri&trg' ' i-i jnmi»hry-may la> .ginlwi, l*»**d MO gWßtee, cwujtV? * l *l Eeawsjfe SjgswS&ga gsasaft^a,: • .%wtQwhfiwwj |. * te n* froni.«'4i(|^^aPU)- J* tt* Tr&idu OA« if 1 JT^Uwhoew.nttSrf?;^* *}f «•- tgl i ■ \ S & ; £2o »*2« kj *2 , '?‘s;§‘"o ■ 5 Wji4 Zfc g I 2* o g.< a*. ■ S s pi^ . : aH 11 s T D BAKERY S •SICrXET) ANNOC.V «f Tfctaity th« h. lOSAKIEB, SCTS, SPICKS oxpfettl; tat th* BoUdin. * oo Wad ■ good (took of pUi(, a Bmnnfrrturv. KAISINS, &C. *m* ofjtbe year. ar. Molasses, Bolter, U7*S WHEAT FLO US. SUE, COBS MEAL. AC., , i« to ikrsK or small qiioatHto. * my Stock and Jon will Sod y in town JACOB WISE. pTIONERV PER SALOON., fcrbua would in >s Altoona and vicinity thatii* f And FRUIT STORE.i.alwsy. articles u> be hsd,.aod In grew ft SALOON which he will serve np OYBTKHS i.Seaeotl. rf /*J£S al tcapj on~kaad, ed to supply cakes, e*niHe»,'*e_ M* He invite# » share ofpablic i* cmd render fall «uis&ic*ktt to ‘.saloon is on VirßiniastteeMwo OTTO BOgSi. TINGEfi’S W& Agency, .1, MAIJ* STREET B. 9LADX BOOKS, " ONFEGTIOKARIE? TOBACCO,. . eiK great vabjety wr OS BAKU. rr> & go.. AiTOOjTA, PJi* r, jAdfe^QO.. noik&p&Baqte, JP4- KIBB, talon, Jaek £ Co.’') '■■ THE PRINCIPAL od Gold foraille. ooB*ction« idepad te, p»j»Me 6o*b«a»nil no, «ithiot«re*tat {UrT»t«- i£H—PKACTi^AL Ctftrtljr naoancM pafcgft tP*4tK/9 OHA TABSTBH- 4K# W b*bop«*^ . lice HAZETTE saattaasa* 53&33»»® tuaoa; 4J for »ix »«■>**“•"-“ «U'j&sM' writ*,d»* <**** !. *Wn - l S K Havipg P« r K xauftfSan flw avaggSlt iiw i arswea^ >o M«onie b.K£> OILS, t’A»- IcCO&MICK#S»£ ■; c,. f |*glj &*• ■ *S?P!S&»j Wt-M \IrOKUM & DEBN, VOli- I THE ALTOOHA TRIBUNE. H c - D*»N pUBUtEUB AH» BAOWBTOU. nU flu».\p*y* bleiaT * ti * My sw. J ‘“ p#r# »t the expiration of the Urn* t ,.j tor runs OF iDVUTIHie 1 insertion - do. 3 do. , IM , JSi $ BT)i $4O 6 tines).-v « « ' 1-00 ... ..joere. \ 1 00 ISO 2 00 f \ u .. ; 140 200 260 ' " -uree weeks nnd lets then three months, 24 cents .qnsre (or'»eh insert # months. 1 year. .$l6O $3OO $6OO . 2 60 4 00 r 00 . 400 ,6 00 10 00 .6 00 8 00 12 00 . 000 10 00 14 00 '« ' , io oo uoo ao oo u,l( e column- 14 00 25 00 40 00 eh Pvreons, or Young Men cotemplatinfi marriage, mare of pbyiical weakness, organic debility, defer- E itT. ic.. speediU cured. iIV »ho placet himself under the care of Dr. J. may re- cuofidr in hw honorjae a gentleman, and confi- L a »jv relr upon hU still a* a physician. ORGANIC WEAKNESS iujaediiteK Cured, and full Vigor Restored. Tin* OiitreMing Affection—which renders Ufa miserable oi marriage impossible—is the penalty paid by the .-timi of improper indulgence*. Young persons are to ,rt tj commit excesses from not being aware of the dread 'd consequences that may ensue. Now. who that under *uai* the subject will pretend to deny that the power of ;>ri»:mtfcn i- lost sooner by those felling into improper Übiti than bv the prudent? Besides being deprived the of healthy offspring, the most serious and de ■ tractive symptoms to both body and mind ariee. The mtcm becomes Deranged, the Physical and Mental Fuuc •Jias Weakened. Loo* of Procreative Power, Nervous Irxi abiljiy, Dyspepsia, Palpitation of the Heart, Indigestion Constitutional Debility, a Wasting of the Frame, Cough, 'oamiDptlon. Dccar and Death. OFFICE. NO. 7'SOUTH FREDERICK STREET, L*f: band side fifing from Baltimore street, a few doors :;:m the corner. Fail not lo"ob?erve name and number. Letters must be paid and contain a stamp. The Doc • -m Diplomas hang iu his office k CURE WARRANTED IN TWO DAYS. Xo Mercury or Xuttops Drugt. OR. JOHNSON. > j Waiter of the Royal College of Surgeons, London, Grad* jrfe. from one of the meet eminent Colleges in the United iu:*>i,tnd the greater part of whose life has been spent hi boipitals of London, Puis, Philadelphia and else* *bere. has effected some of the most astonishing cures :hat were ever known; many troubled with ringing In the i?sd and eats when asleep, great nervousness, being dvaed at sudden founds, bashfulaess, with frequent tfuhiojp attended sometimes with derangement of mind, *«rt cared immediately, TAKE PARTICULAR NOTICE Dr.J, addresses all those who have injured themselves it improper iodolgeoce and solitary habits, which ruin !>xh body,and mind, unfitting them for either business, «ady, society or marriage. Tststare some of the sad and melancholy effects pro ■*i>i by early habits of youth, viz.: Weakness of the Let sod Limbs, Pains In the Bead, Dimness of Sight, of Muscular Power, Palpitation of the Heart, Dys t*r4j. Nervous Irritability, Derangement of the Dlgee iif? functions, General Debility, Symptoms'of Cons am p tiOß. If . XtSTALLT.—The fearful effects of the mind are much to t ireaded—Loee of Memory, Confusion of Ideas, De- of spirits, Evil-Forebodings, Aversion to Society, vlf-Dbtrnsl, Love of Solitude, Timidity, *c., are some of 'Tils produced. TBjruros of persons of nil aces can now judge what is ckw of their declining betftfc, losing their vigor, be '-uhg weak, pale, nervous and emaciated, having a sin* plir appearance about theeyes, cough and symptoms of YOUNG MEN . t have injured tiKmwtrei by* certain practice In ■•olgud in when aloue, a habit frequently learned from -rii companions, or at school, the effect* of which are sightly jfelt, even when asleep, and If not cured render* airritp imposible, and' dee-troys both mind and body, spply Immediately. Thai a pity that a young man, the.hope of his country, ; s« larjing of hit parents, should be snatched from all ; rospeeu»tid enjoyments of life, by the consequence of •■*TUtidg from the path of nature, and indulging in a >rtain secret habit. Such persons MVST, before ®nt«s i-Utiag - . marriage, '•-fleet that a sound mind and body are the mod necessary to protnote connubial happiness. Indeed, with al these, the joarney through life becomes a weary pll *rimage; the prospect hourly darkens to the view; the 3.ud becomes shadowed with despair and filled with the &fUocbo)y reflection that the happiness of another be* * >nje» blighted with our own. , _ DISEASE OF lUPRUOEMCE, t *ltteD the misguided mod imprudent votary of pleasure St>dMhsthe bu imbibed the eeeds ofthk pataftil dia* 't* l *. it too often happens that an ill-timed sense of shame, '■ r ireai of discovery 1 , deters him front applying te those *&■>• from education and respectability, can alone b«- {ritnd him. delaying till the constitution*! symptoms of •His horrid disease make their appearance, such as nicer* throat, diseased noee, nocturnal pain s in the head •m limbs, dimness of sight, deafness, nodes on the shin Ha&e« and arms, blotches on the head, fkce and extremt '**• progressing with frightful rapidity, till at last the V*Ute of th« month or the Jbooes of the nose IUI in, and t! » victim of this awful disease become* a horrid object of -'tamUeratioa, till death pots'a period to hi* dreadful *ftfffriugi, by sending him to “ that Undiscovered Country from whence no traveller returns.” * l h > iKelanchotv fact that thousands fall victims to c& i» terrible disease, owing to the unskillfulncss of Igoo- Pretender*, who, by the use of that Deadly Aim, the constitution and make the residue of ] aiwrsble. , STRANGERS ‘nut not yoar lire*, or h**Uh to the care of the many and WorthHM Pretenders, destitute of knowl name or character, who copy Dr. Johnston's adver- or strle themselves, In the newspaper*, regu •*”? Placated Physicians, incapable of Curing, they keep Rifling month after mouth, taking their filthy and compound*, or ai long a* the smallest fee .can ,; and in despair, leave you with ruined health your galling disappointment. ** iohastou i* the only Physician advertising, hu credential or diplomas always hang in his office. Hi* remedies or treatment : are unknown to all others, fram a life spent in the great hospitals of Europe. ,?* in the country and a more extensive Private JVwe> ' than any other Phvsician in the world. f. ENDORSEMENT of the press. thousands cored at this institution, year after ”*r. and the numerous important Surgical operations Johnston, witnessed by the reporters of the _l^ u Clipper,” and many other papers, notice* of. appeared again amt again before the public, standing as a gentlemen of character and re- U a sufficient guarantee to the afflicted. v .. s £tN DISEASES SPEEDILY CURED. itamJ. et i pr ’ r * eeiT *l onlM» port-pnid %nd containing a “•rapt-. b» tu«l on the reply Panou writing (bonld state ■Pttd wnd portion of .4r.rtU.mrnt dwribing tymptomr aiaoaW b. particular in directing thnlr to tbu Inetitriton, in the following manner: «, JOHN M. JOHNSTON. M. 6.. OftbaSaitiaornlioek Boepttat.Marjla Choke forks. THE CART BEFORE THE HORSE. 0, for kmd« top •eelodtd fell, Where brick end mortart line mey ceeee: To *it down in * pot of gre**e — No, no—l mean a grot of peace !' Fd choee a home by JBria's inve, With Dot a unod to mar life's lot I’d by a cannoa have a shot— ,No—by the Shannon hate a cot I How fiur that rocky Ule around. That wide bipanee to acan it o’er: I lore a shirsr with a roa r~r N'o—l mean a river with a shore! Romantic Kris'* aewgirt land! How sweet with one yon love the most To watch the cocks upon the roost — 1 memn.tbe rocks upon the coast! Twere sweet at moonlight’s mystic hoar. .To wander forth where few frequent. And come upon a tipsjgent— No, no—l mean agipeey tent! Or. in your solitude, to meet Some long lost friend surprised and pleased And find you're by hUearse pan grassed— No—l mean by his grasping seized! In that retirement, lone, I would Pnnue tome rustic industry. And make myself* boiling, tea— No, no—l mesa * toiling-bee! Beneath a shady sycamore. How sweet to breath love's tender/vow: Your dear one bitten by a- sow— No, I mean sitting by a bough Or sweet with your food wife, to sit Outside your door at daylight's close; While she's hard hitting at your noee— While she's bard knitting at your hose! Perhaps on early cares.yon brood While sympathy her sweet face shows ’Tis good to walk upon on?* ioa — No—l mean to talk upon one's vxx* ’ She smiles you Into jest at last, As pleased to see the spell is broke. . And draw from you a gentle noke — No, no—l mean a menial joke; Ah I bow you watch the feiry shape, A summer dress which does adorn; Admiring much her laugh of room 's.. No, no—l mean her scar/ of taint/ JMect llpsceilaitg. THE IHBUXT. Gen. Waring strode up and down, stiffly, biting his lips, working his fingers and clenching his teeth from time to time. IBs eyes were fixed staringly upon the ground, hisbreathing was stentorioiis, his face was flushed almost purple, and it was evident, in a word, that he was suffering a paroxysm of wrath. From the glances the General cast.about him occasionally, it seemed that he ex pected some one. Very soon a tall, grave looking man, scrupnously neat and mil tary in his bearing and attire, appeared, The General took no notice of his salute, but blurted out impetuously: “Col. Carey, your regiment left its post, on the railroad, yesterday, against my order, and lost fifty thousand dollars worth of stores for us. Why was that, sir V’ “ I know nothing about it, General. 1 was away the whole time on engineer ser vice. Lieut. Col. Carter was in com mand” ; “ Carter ? I do,n,t know—let me see -i-why he’s dead.” “ Yes.” “ Who is your. Major 1” “ Major Godfrey.” ■ u Ah! Send him hcre. v ! Gol. Carey, not altogether pleased with the interview, took his time, and finally shut an Adjutant to find o«*t who com manded the regiment the. day previous. Sure enough, the Lieutenant Colonel had been killed in the early moming, and the command had devolved upon Major God frey, quite a young man. The Colonel informed this officer that Gen. wished to see him, and hinted that there were charges to be made. “ Keep your temper,” said he, (i and don’t be bullied. You know what you may expect” Major Godfrey sought the pretence of the irate General, and stood some mo ments awaiting his word. ’ “ Who are you ?” asked Waring, per ceiving that the young man was waiting. “ Godfrey, ?ir; Major of the Sixteenth.” ; “O! You are the man that ran away from the supply depot, yesterday. I shall have yon cashiered, sir. 1 want no cow ards at the head of my regiments.” Major Godfrey measured his superior officer from head to foot with a cold ex pressionless stare —about the most im pertinent thing one can do, ih' a quiet way. Then shrugging his shoulders very Slightly he turned his broad, manly back full on the astonished commander, and walked away without a single word in reply. . .* ... ; lie General of the division in which was General Waring’s brigade, was a very different sort of person from thjat officer, and Godfrey knew jhim perspn?Uy fLj went to the headquarters, then, and stated, in brief, that Waring had forgotten himself so far as to offer bim*an irretrieva ble insult. . “I cannot served logger in a position ! from which my superior officer has threat- ALTOONA, PA., THURSDAY, OCTOBER 30, 1862 ened to have me cashiered,” he said, “ hut I am particularly desirous of itaking part in all the actions that may (jiocur here on the peninsula. If you can give me a temporary command—l don’t care how humble^—l will guarantee that no dis grace shall come of it The reason why I withdrew the Sixteenth Regiment from the poet assigned it by General Waring was because Gen. McClcllen himself or dered it.” “ Why did you not explain that to Gen eral Waring?” “ His words were such as no gentleman could Aply to.” ' A Captaincy in an other regiment was offered to the Major, and it was also promised that a full - investigation should be made into the affair. This was on the fourth day of the pro tracted battles that attended the transfer of the Army of the Potomac from the Chickahomin}- to the James river. There had been some gallant fighting even 1 day. and their army was thinned and weary, but undaunted. When the line of battle was formed, on the following morning, Major Godfrey found himself put in command of a handful of heroes gathered from sev eral annihilated companies, and formed into a new one. As he walked down this line of incon- j gruously assorted men, solid, grimed and ; in many cases wounded, he spoke a few | stirring words. “ Boys,” said he, sternly, “ you look like i fighters, and fighters are just what I want, i I shall not ask you to follow wherever I j choose to lead you. And 1 shall lead you into some jolly places. If you don’t fol low—l’ll go alone !” A cheer was the response to this address, i for the men saw that their Captain was i in earnest —that he had a difficulty with I destiny. And the only men who do any- i thing altogether well, wether it be sing ing, or writing, or fighting,, or preaching, or whatnot, are the ones who are working out a mighty quarrel with fate. The battle came on later, this fifth day, than on the previous mornings, for both armies were severely harrassed and wearied by repeated attacks, repulse and retreat. The lines were not so firm and steady as on the first day, and some regiments showed great gaps, that told most elo- i quently of the courage and determination | with which they had met the. enemy. Still when the battle was fairly opened, and the cannonade music began to make the air tremble and collapse at every mo ment, the tried soldiery, plucked up a new energy, and fought—pardon me the little patriotic egotism—as I btlieve Amer icans only can fight, North and South. Capt. Godfrey kept his word. He did 'lead his men, and into “ some jolly places.” He seemed to think that he had command of a division instead of a company, and could therefore, cope with any odds. The enemy, astonished by the reckless brilliancy of his charges, could but think that he was supported by a powerful force, and often fell back when they plight have surrounded the entire company. During one of these savage onslaughts, a cavalry saber happened to alight upon the young officers forehead, knocking off his cap, and leaving a fine crimson trench from his hair to his eyebrow. After this he looked more like the men he led. They were all blood and dust and powder-grime; and when they came crashing down, in close order with bayonets fixed, called on by their dauntless leader, coatless, hatless, with a bloody handkerchief, upon his head and his sword dropping gore as he waved on the charge, it was not so strange that the foe gave way, even when they outnumbered this desperate band five to one. i The Colonel of the regiment in which Godfrey was detailed to serve, was de lighted. He could not sete what fault General Waring could have found with such an officer, and spoke many encour aging words to the young man. “ If he ever comes out of this,” said he, “he will be set up two or three pegs higher at once, if Pm any judge. He means fight; and that is just the kind of men we want.” There was some confusion for a few minutes, on the right of their regiment, and the men evinced a tendency to fall back, that, to do them justice, was per fectly natural. The Confederates had ad vanced their lines, and a battery of twelve ■ pounder field guns had been so placed as j to sweep diagonally the ground occupied by the regiment, while a heavy body of infantry, concealed in a woody rait ine, kept up a murderous cross fire of musketry. The result qf this storm of death, the two currents of which intersected just at the right of the line, was frightful, and fora moment a panic seemed inevitable. In the confusion, when the different companies lost their order, and parties of straglere began wandering to the rear, Capt. Godfey drew up his men in position, and stepped out to the front. “Who will gb to glory with me, now!” he asked pointing to the battery with his Moody sword. . “Whoever isn’t afraid, | wmA on! If you won’t follow, I shall j have to take that battery alone!” This magnificent piece of hyperbole fINDEPENDENT IN EVERYTHING.] must have been beard to be appreciated. The whole scene agreed with its tenor. A held covered with ghastly corpses and wounded meu ; a wreck of arms and equip age scattered everywhere : a smoky stench ing atmosphere, quivering and pierced by the terrible yells and cries of the dying; the awful scream of wounded horses, the horrible concussion of heavy cannon inces santly fired, and the fierce howl of a thou sand shot and shell; a disordered and bro ken host of men, trembling on the verge of flight, with officers galloping hither and thither, cursing, praying, threatening and imploring by turns—this was the ex aggerated and wonderful background to the picture. In front, amid the ‘wreck and ruin and pools of gore, and golgotha piles of dead, a company of sixty or sev enty heroes, without coats, often without shirts, without knapsacks, without a flag, with uniforms of half a dozen patterns, and arms as ill assorted; muddy, dusty, bloody, bruised, blackened, lowering of an eye and defiant of lips, and before them all, the tall, manly figure of their leader, with his face covered with blood from the bandaged gasp on his forehead, his broad chest exposed, his sleeves rolled up, and his hands, arms, legs and feet imbued and clotted with gore, like those of a butcher, waving that crimson blade, and roaring forth his determination, too impossible for a threat, and 100 splendid for a boast— that was the situation. Without waiting for a murmur of as sent from his men, this mad creature cried : ‘Now then! Double quick! Charge!’ and ran forward at full speed toward the battery that opened its “ deathful, grin ning mouths ” at short intervals to emit tongues of fire and iron that licked up men and horses and trees alike. The scat tering regiment saw the change and ]iaused. Several companies, not yet dis ordered. got into line and followed, but Godfrey and his command were already far in advance Flame and fury whirled down in redbot sheets of destruction from the battery. Thick smoke and darkness lurked behind. It was an inky cloud stifling and heavy, but charged with the splendor and horror of pandemonium. The air gaped and closed with terrific blows at every shot, and the ground trembled and winced at the awful detonations. Lights gleamed and glared, and scorched the very eye balls of those who looked. All was vague and bewildering with dizzy noises, and roaring as of a million wheels and voices ; and the brain soon got befogged and dazed by the awful magnificence of the ascent into the teeth of the guns that shouted defiance and leaped back like living foes. Into the center of this hell went Capt. Godfrey crying as he ran : “I was called a coward, yesterday, boys! what do you think of this ?” As the devoted remnant of the com pany —for only forty men reached the front, of the battery—came exactly before the guns, a sudden discharge of grape shot roared along the hill, breast high, and a storm of musketry followed. The few companies that had accepted the example of the first replied by a close volley, as they charged, and within a few moments the hill was covered with a mass of de termined men, pouring up in increasing numbers, and stretched down to the wood en ravine beyond, where the enemy had begun to waver. The ice was broken; the path was shown by Captain Godfrey’s men, and the regiment bad followed, un able to stand still and see such a deed of daring done. The battery was withdrawn with mar velous speed and address, but the infantry that had supported it was driven back in disorder. It was a successful repulse-, and due entirely to the unflinching heroism of the little band that led. And that band? I know nothing of it save that Godfrey’s body was found where the center of the battery had been. His sword, still grasped in his hand, was through an artilleryman’s ribs, and a musket ball had gone into his own chest, just over the heart. There were seventeen other wounds upon him but that one killed him. As for his men, the hill was, an old sergeant said, “carpet ed with corpses,” I suppose theirs was a portion of the carpet. 0- A friend of ours was traveling a day or two since in the vicinity of Buxton. While crossing a bridge he was stopped by some young men, one of whom addressed him as follows : sir.” “Wa-a-all that’s too bad. I should like mighty well to get some good whis key; but we can’t get none here. Tell ye w’hat ’tis, stranger, it’s dangerous stuff they have here about. We are bound tp drink it any bow, but we draw lots to see which shall drink first. The one that draws it goes in and drinks and sits down. We all wait an hour, and if hie ain’t dead, we all drink; and if he is, we try another place.” j er Where the lawyers flourish, we may take for granted the law does not ‘Say mister got any whiskey with yer?’ “No, sir,” politely responded our friend. “Don’t yer ever drink whiskey ?” “No, MY COURTSHIP BY ARTEMIS WARD. There was many affectin ties which made me hanker arter Betsy Jane. Her father’s farm jined purn; their cows and oum squenched their tliurst at the same spring, our old mares both bad stars in their fortes; the ineasels broke out in both famerUes at nearly the same period; our parents (Betsy’s and mine) slept reg ularly every Sunday in the same meetin house, and the nabers used to obearve, “How thick the Wards andPeasleys air!” It was a sublime sight in the spring of the year to see our several mother’s (Betsy’s and mine) with their gowns pin’d up so that they couldn’t sile ’em, affecshunitely Bilim soap together and aboosin the na hors. Altho I hankered intensely arter the objeck of my afieckshun, I darsent tell her of the fires that was rajin in my manly Buzzum. I’d try to do it, but my tung would kerwhellop up again the roof of; my mowth & gnd stick thar like death to; de ceast Afrikan or a country postmaster to his offiss, while my heart whanged again my ribs like an old fashioned wheat Flale agin a barn door. ’Twas a carat still night in .loon. All natur was busbt, and nary zeffer disturb ed the screen silens. I sot with Betsy Jane on the fense of her fathers paster. We’d been rompin threw the woods,-killin' flours and drivin the woodchuck from his Nativ Lair (so to speak) with long sticks. Wal, we sot there on the fense a swiqgin our feet two and fro, blushing as red as the Baldinsville school house when it was fust painted, and look in very simple; I make no doubt. My left arm was okepied in ballunsin myself on the fense, while my right was wounded lovinly round her waste. I cleared my throat and tremblinly said. “Betsy, you’re a Gazelle.” I thought that air was putty tine. I waited to see what effect it would have upon her. it evidently didn’t fetch her, for she up and sed— “You’re a sheep!” < Sez I- “Betsy, I think very quickly of you;” “I don’t b’lieve a word you say-—so there, now cum!” with which obsarvashun she hitched away from me. “I wish thar was windows to my sole!” sed I, “so that you could see some of my feelins. There’s fire enough in here.” sed I, strikin my buzzum with ray fist; “to bile all the com beef and turnips in the naberhood. Versoovius and the Critter ain’t a ciscumstans.” She bowed her bed down and commenst chawing the strings of her sun bonnet. “Ar, could you know the sleepless nites I worry threw with on your account how vittles has seized to be attractiv to me, & how my limbs has shrunk Up, you dowt me. Gase on this wasfin form and these ere sunken'cheeks— i I should have continnercd on in this strane probly for sum time, but unfortu nately I lost my balanse and fell oyer .into the paster ker smash, tearing my - close and severely damaging myself ginerally. Betsy Jane sprung to my assistance in double quick time and dragged me forth. Then drawin herself up'to her full bite, she sed — } “I won’t listen to your noncenfs no longer. Jes say rite strate out what your drivio at. If you mean gettin bitched, I'm in.” I considered that air enuff for all prac tical purpusses, and we proceeded immeji ately to the parson’s and was made one that very nite. i Talking to boys in public matings is getting to be an art and science. Hilly Ross is a great Temperance lecturer, and at RoshvUle, Illinois, was preaching to the young on his favorite theme.' He said: “Now, boys, when I ask yon a question you musn’t be afraid to speak right out and answer me. When you look around and see all these fine houses, farnfs,: and cattle, do you ever think who owns them all now? Your father's own them do they not ?” ! ; “Yes, sir!” shouted a hundred voices. “Well, where will your fathers be twen ty years from now?” “Dead!” shouted the boys. “That’s right. And who will own all this property then ?” “Us boys!” shouted the urchins. “Right. Now, tell me did yon ever, in going along the streets, notice the drunk ards lounging around the saloon doors waiting for somebody to treat them ?” “Yes, sir; lota of them!” , ? “Well, where will they be in twenty years from now 1” t “Deadexclaimed the. boys. j ‘And who will he the drunkards then ?’ “ Us boys /” Billy was thunderstruck for a moment; but recovering Himself,; tried to tell the boys how to eschpe such a'fate. ;; (ST A pedlar being asked by a long, spindle-Abanked wag, if he had arqr tin overalls,, answered: ‘* No. but I have a pair of candle moulds that willjnst fla you. EDnOfiS J&y PBOHBKRjjte. 9V&. countryman cams iaW » store in Philadelphia, the other day, and told the storekoeperthat a neighbor ofhis had en trusted him "with some money to hegpent to the best advantage, andbe meant to do it where he would be treated the best He bad been verywelltraded by the traders, and would not part with his neigh bor’s money until he H found a man who would treat him about right With the utmost suavity the trader says: “I think I can treat you to your liking how do you want to be treated?” “Well,” says the farmer, with a leer in his eye, “in the first place, I want a glass of toddywhich was forthcoming. “Now I will have a nice cigar,” says the countryman. It was promptly banded him, leasurely lighted, and throwing him self back with his feet as high ms his head, he commenced puffing away like a Dutch man. “Now, what do you want to purchase*” says the storekeeper. “My neighbor handed me two cents when I left home to buy a plug of tobac co,” answered the fanner, “hive you got the article*” The storekeeper stopped inftanterand the next thing that was heard from him was that his sided were shaking, and Ids face on fire, as he was relating die sell to his friends. “That’s What’s the Mattes!” —We have at last found out the origin of this popular phrase, in the following scrap, clipped from an exchange, which is too good to keep: A friend of outs, who has been absent all tHnter, returning a few days since, called upon an estimable lady friend. He was surprised to find her con fined to a sick bed. After the first salu tations were over, our friend remarked: “Why, Mrs.———, I am very sorry to findyouill—what is the matter!” Quick ly reaching over to the back of the bed, the invalid turned town coverlid, disclos ing a beautiful infant, wrapped in the em brace of the rosy god, at die same time triumphantly exclaiming— * k That’a what’s the matter!” C9* Gen. Kelly, while in search of guer illas in Western Virginia, captored a girl by the name of Ssdlie Duskey, whom he felt assured knew the haunts of the guer illas. She refused to give any informa tion, whereupon the general promised her if she would confess, to give her the chance for a husband out of all the officers of his staff. She still declined, but on being removed, asked the captain who had her in charge if the general would have kept his promise. 1 '‘Certainly was the reply. The maiden reflected a short time, and then said— " Well I’d about ns lief have the old mm, the general, as any on ’em.” (B*Tbe other day a little Frenchman, just arrived, who had been taking BngKA lessons, on the voyage, from a fellow pas senger, complained much of the difficulty of our grammar, especially the mtguktr verbs . ; For instance, says he, “Ze verb to go. Did you ever see one such ; verb?” And with the utmost gravity he rgad from a sheet of paper: I go; Thou departest; He clears out; we cut stick; Te or yon make track ; They absquatulate. “Mon Dien! What disregolar verbs you have in your language!” CT Getting off Easy.—One of the States passed an act that no dogs shall go at large without a morale, and the man was. brought up for infringing the statute. In defence be allied that his dog had a muz* zle. - ‘How is that!’ quoth the justice. ‘O,’said the defendant ‘ the act says nothing where the muzzle shall be placed, and as I thought the animal would like the fresh air, I put it on his tail.’ O'An apothecary’s bqy was lately sent to leave a( one house a box of and at anothei* six live fowls. Confused on the way, he left the pills where the fowls should have gone, and the fowls at the pill place. The folks who received the fowls were astonished at reading the ac companying direction: “Swallow one ev ery .two hours.” O* A man being conceited and vain of himself, but who by the by, was rather despised, with a face much pitted by small-pox, was not long suwe adfapted by a chap who alter admiring him lor some time said : — 1 when carved work comes into fashion, you’ll be the hand somest man I ever put my eyes on.'- 0- “ There’s two ways of doing it,” said Pat to himself, as he stood musing and waiting for a job, “if I save four thousand dollars I must lay np two hun dred dollars a year for twenty yean, or I can put away twenty dollars a year for two hundred years now which shall Ido?” 't9*A Germantown storekeeper having once sunk his shop door a few feet,*®* nonncoe that, (C ih consequence cf wnt improvements, goods will ha lowerthanformerijr.”' f NO. 39.