The Altoona tribune. (Altoona, Pa.) 1856-19??, October 23, 1862, Image 1

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the altooha tribune.
■' !c '' :XL fCSU4a£»* AST WlOMl*IO»b.
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7 *t*i? *t the, expiration of (he time
or jwavaaTirttKfi.
1 Insertion 2 do. 3 do.
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. J ... r Business Card*, not exceeding s
■—s ii'l'i piper. P*T7««~..< - 6 0«
"• saitraii’caiwns of a political oaracter or IndiTidoal in
, „ : . , fh.rp-d according to the abore, rates.
**»4»rrii<emen .not marked with the umober of loser-.
-. wilVhe continued tin forbid and charged ac
the above tenet. .'- . ’ ..
Paon-ss not iocs fire cents per line for eeery insertion
iWntirf notices exceeding ten Bnea.fifty centsa .qua e
,JU*I -
x ;:u|a I.r i«*»
fie Only Place Where a (Jure Can
be Obtained
i \ii. JOHNSON bai discovered the
» I Certain, Speedy and only iiifectuaMteznedy in
“li Jjt Private Diseases. Weakness* of the Back
~"v. Sirutares, Affections of ;li- Kidneys «od Blad-
Discharges! Impotem-y, General Debiliry,
... Dv-*i>pp*.T. Languor, Low spirit?. Confut-ion
; palpitation, of the Heart. Timidity, Trembling*,
v .f Sight or Giddiness. Dbease of the Head,
Air Skin. Affections of the J,irir, Lungs, Stoni
—ihuse Terrible disorders arising: from the
Habits of Yoathr-ibose secret and solitary prac
. i jirr fsu! totheii victims than theßong of Syrens to
dariner* of Ulysses, blighting their m««t brilliant
or aouci rendering marriage Ac-, iaspossi-
• .- -. idir. w3o hare become the rirluus of Solitary Tice,
:rrJdfc 1 ‘ ami destnctire habit which annually sweeps
ic,:i;u.A thousands of Young Men of the most
i.-,2u:i Uti-'S:? aui brilliant intellect. who might other
, - !ur- Si'tecing Senates with t’-e thunder"
: or waked to ectasy the tiring lyre, may call
fell roufidence.
.'hra-i Persons. or Tonnz Men cotemplatim: marriage.
->c aware of physical weakness organic debility.'defor*
x - speedily cured. **
j:.. tri: •» place* hiiosel! under the ’-are uf Dr. J. may re
. _• ,-w ■ .an }•:• id his honor a? a '.rutleman. and confi
...» r f his skill as a uhvsician.
Cured. aud full Vigor. Restore. - :.
■r\> I*i-rrt**«inir Affectl«.»n--wiucli re:.ders Life miserable
u.irri.ii.e impossible—is, the penalty paid by the
iinprojetr indulgeutp.-*. Ycaag p<-r>cn§ arete*
. • ; ;.:u'GiT exces-e* from not being awAi e *-f the dread
:ui .■ •tseijG-*ucei» that may eusne. Now.'who that under
i* tV subject wiil pretend to deny that the power of
.*. ri-ati n i“. I.js-i s.Mner by those falling into improper
.:»• tjiari lx ih- pry-irGf* Beside* being blepritvd tlie
; of h-althy .ff<priug. the most seri es and de
rractiv- *vmptomr- i • both and mind arise. The
the Physical and .Mental Funr
-1. L:.
\r v akc!:_ r.; J‘c-creative P->wer. v-rrmi- Irri
ou 'if liif Heart,. Indigestion
' a Waiting of itbe Frame. Cpngh
: I'-xar aui Dvajh.
My brother Richard was I 'it reporter, and j
■ for years he was'attached to the newspa
per press of one of our largest cities.
Hick saw many strange and thrilling
sights, accounts of some of .which we
gleaned from the'papers he sent us, while
the particulars of others he communicated
to us through the medium of his letters.
: From one of the epistles which we re
ceived, I copy the narrative, verbatim.
He says: ,
■1 bad a somewhat thrilling adventure
the other night good folks—quite thrilling,
if lam any judge of such matters. I will
tell you the particulars, and the account
Would not prove uninteresting to any body,
'much less will it do so to you.’
‘I was going home from the office about
midnight (a morning paper, you know, is
‘apt to keep one up at all hours.) when as I
was passing up Sixth street —which is one
j of our largest avenues—-and had just got
i ten abreast of a twelve foot alley—a dark
I‘place filled with rickety abodes of poverty,
■and habitations that bear a most villain
. ous reputation —1 was startled jby a sud
den cry of ‘Murder.’
‘With terrible distinctness 'the word
pealed out on the stilly air.’
; -Murder! murder! murder!’ *
‘The ominous sound was uttered by a
woman too : and thrilled mein every nerve
of the body.’
MARRIAGE. ; ‘For a few moments I stood abd listened
►««rt tiat x «.no!i raint aad tirfy «r* is* mv »aze fixed up the alley. The
tn prnaKits comtobid happiness.' Indeed, whh- , J ° . ■ . , r .', , ; ,
tiu-jnurntT through liif becomes* miT pil- WOFu WJIS IlOt rep6a.t€u, UOTN G\ OF, DOF WHS
. :li- praspect hourly darken” to the ric»; the Vj-u-g anv narticular Stir among the Out-
with'iwpair and fillt-d with the *dlcre P v
reflection that the happinesso! another be- fowed denizens, and the larger Stf€6tS Wert?
S DiSEASE Dr oF U ii«PRUo£NCE. aeariy, or quite deserted. The cry of
'f am the miiigaided and itnpnni-nt votary of pleasure- rntirder was. nO doubt, of tOO frequent OC
■•iKtha: hr has imbibed the Mrede of’this painful dia- • . , ' . .
, i.fitrn bappetis that an HMimed sen«j of shame, CUTTence in that VJCUUty*tO attract mUCU
attention from the occupants the alley,
tl‘um. Jeiavin« till the constitutional symptoms of no one else appeared near-to hear it,
|l ‘My curiosity was arousedj however,
‘-.iJiuilK. dimoeMof sight, deafness, nodes on the shin :„_J Vgjng all in the wav of IDV business
; tn j arm*, blotches on the head, face and extremi- y ■ j f - ' * i __
- pr pressing with frightful rapidity, till at last the topoke myself OTOUnd into Strange places,
: • >f the mouth or the bone* of the i»o*e fell in, and t - T __ • jinn tin f hf* dark flllev I
T ‘. yi'i.ra of this nwfal disease booomos a horrid object of I rapidl) pushed OU Up ine OSTk. auey, i
aNlj-erstica, tilt death puts a period to hia dreadful nothing, though, .tO ‘throw any light
' br sendlaic him t • i 4 that UndiflcoTert'd Country s. ,
:r 3 vlv-ar-' no trattllfr retumB. r ; OU the rGCCIIt • >
in »/aci thMtUoosands tail victims tor! length I stopped, and, as it happen
‘-:t :*mH- OrsHtw . otrtbg tothe nnskillfolness of i*no- j < , j ,*T
:i :df«t-ad»T». who, byths use of th»t Dtadiy w»»- i ed, in front of a dingy, old tashioned three
a ‘ tamaiaan mate m r< * ia ° < ‘ nf r story brick house—a building, that in its
strangers I better davs, a longtime ago, doubt
•rij-j j.>» t.-qt lirca, *ir health to the care of the many _ c - 4 i . 1 ’-t
“ - . ml Worth»e« Pretenders, destitute of knowi- i jjeen looked Upon 2tS ;
"jp. saw? ,t character, win copy Dr. Johnston’s adrer- |j v * i
cr'.style fheafelre*. in the newspaper*., regh- | *J uutJ ‘ .
ir J* £ snc3telVhlncapable of Curing.^they keep j;; X heard a WT.ndOW (JUiekiy
• mouth after month, taking their filthy apd .* * ■ f flrwvl
r> unpcmnds, or as’ton as the smallest fee rr&lS6Q find, ft Sheet OI UlSlanHy HOOQ .
y i-MCrni. »:ia in drspafr. icavc ymi with mined heipi |Lj a U e y a t m y feet and I looked up.’
over your etUUng difiappointroeul, , -r • ’. ■ , • u
dr j ;hn-t'>n j* the onlv PhT«ic!«n adrertising. j: lirdcr: I uO&rd in iSl.lVOllian S
. hvoiee, now uttered in tones broken and
a iuth great hospitals of Ettrope. gmnf
;f: -p* in ihecGautnr at'dtiincuvexteuiUT'* /WrafciVffC- -: x OD
■’ c Msua but other Phvslciaa in the world, i / *The IlfiXt XUOHient, WIG WXH<IOW WOS
r . INDORSEMENT OF THE* PRESS. -rJMpntlv ftlnmmed down, and the light
Jte raauy thmw»u3««ar*Al at thy inatitutioa, year after , VlOleilUJ SiaHUBCa auu ,
numerous important Surgical operations disappeared.
rmod by Johniton, by thereportern of the r . * . j«_l aeSll 5
"CTlppeT.” and tsatiy «nb*-r pa|»er?, notices of. | Again &U WSS dflrlk &SU Still,
) -r«’^' L v T> again and agam before the public* i T must find out what that means,’ I
sr., •w,- , j taatlui P 48 * of character and re- /I , , '' ! N
?-a«ij.hty. i» a sufficient guarantee tothe afflicted. ■ miltiCTefl to myS6ll.
V Ol !^ ,M D,SEASES speedily cured. ‘lnstantaneously I tuiwd to the door of
-a* received ualent and crintaininir a - - - r « . . ,;i* . j
v c . Ul^< ! n Persons writingshonM ttate the hOUSC 9 Atld Tapped U 1 & (JUICK BHq BHX
•Jfj***?l* wniiugdboiiM be particular in! directing their manner. 4
•to inn lartitution. in the fallowing manner: i *TherC WUS BO SnSffCT.
! ‘I rapped again, loads(nd It^ig.
L•' hn 1 -id-- i-oing from Baltimore rtreec, a fe-w doors
„■ Li ib-orfj-T. Vail u-*l to*cl»serve name and number.
L it-:' ;aufi l-r paii! and contain a stamp. The Doc
■ ••r'•.Dbhvm&s hang in his uffict-
_V(- Mercury or Silicons -I>rugs.
.• qi- i T uf the Rvyal College of 2-urgeoas, London. Grad
f-rta one of the most f-miuent Colleges in the United
and.the greater part of whose ;ife has-been spent in
::,r iLispitals of L*ndou, Paris. Philadelphia and else
has effected some of the most astonishing cures
:u* Ver«- ever known; many troubled with ringing lathe
.•>*l and e>jr? ‘when asleep, % great, nervousness, being
. iraed at «addeo sounds, fiasbfulaess. with frequent
: -*b:3g. attended sometimes with derangement of mind,
f-re rtred immediatelv. ■
I)r. J. addresses all those who hare injured themselves
■y rnpr.-iper indulgence and Solitary habits, which ruin
::iS-id>; and mind, unfitting them for either business,
•rait. society or marriage.
lTif.>s are some of the sad and melancholy effects pro
’-••d by early habits of youth, viz: Weakness of the.
; ; urs and Limbs, Palm |n the liead.ldmtess of tight.
-T»vjf Muscular Power* Palpitation of the Heart. Dys
,-v»y. »rrou« .Irritability, Derangement- of the Digee
• : F .mctioaa, General Debility. Symptoms of Consump
:- Ac. ' ! f
, MtVTti.lT.—The fearful offeets of the mind are much to
l-r^aded—Loss of -Memory, Confusion \.f Ideas. 3>e-
. ,>u of spirits. Kril-Forebodiugs. Aversion to Society.
Lore of Solitude, Timidity, Ac., are tome of
-- produced,
''i.-z\k\as of persons of ages can now j udge what is
: of their declining health, losing their vigor, be*
weak, pale, oerrous and emaciated, having a sin
c-r Appearance about the eyes, cough and symptoms of
■ t ire injured themselves by a certain practice in
lu when alone, a habit frequently learned from
■■vi: tr-mpanioas. or at school, the effect* of which are
• f-. lt. ereuwhen asleep, and if hot cured render*
•rniT- imposible, and destroys both mind and body,
apply immediately,
«Vluj, a pity that a young man. the hope of his country.
■ > Imrlinr of his should be switched from all
’ and enjovmeqtt ofllfe, by the consequence of
fitting from the path of Mature, and Indulging in a
•ruin secret habit. ?uch persons tKjfore content
®hw» f «fe|.
Tb* flags of warlike »u»na-bird» fly.
The charging (muipeta blow;
Vet-rolls no thornier in tie sky.
Mo *artbijD*fc«« strive belaw.
And, cahn mod patient. Matore k«*ps
Her ancient promise well, ,
Though o’er her bloom and
The battles breath of bet)
And still she walks in golden bourn
{Through harvest-happy farm?.
And *till «hf wears her fru-ls and Sowers
-Like jewels on her anus.
What mean the gladness of the plain.
This juy of ere and morn.
'lilt- mirth tlmt aiiakt* the bt*uii of grain
And yellow shocks of corn!
Ah! cjns mar well be full of tears.
And hearts with hate are hot:
if at even-paced come round the y e*nu
And nature changes nJL
fihe meets with athiiesour bitter griff.
With songseur groans of pain;
.She mocks with tint of floorer and leaf
The war-fields crimson slain.
Still, in the cannon's pause. we hear
- Her sweet thanksgiving psalm:
Too near to God fur doubt or ft-ar.
She shares the fcteruahcalm.
She knows the set-d lies safe below
The fires that blast and bora;
For all the terarsi of blood we sow
xv “’ She waits thejich return.
the sees with clearer eyes than outs
The good of suffering born.—
The hearts that blossom like her;Sowfcm
And rijn'U like heyorn.-
Oh, give to us. in times like the*e.
The vision of her eves: /
And make her fields and .fruited tree.-
Our golden prophecies.
Oh. give to .us, her finer tiar !
Above this stormv din.
TV e. tofu would hear the beU> of cheer
-Sfktt Ips’Ml&ttJ,
King peace and freedom in
‘Still no answer.’
‘lmpatiently I began to pound upon the
door." j- ' ’
‘At last 1 heard the flatter of feet in
the bare hall/apd- a few moments after
ward, a dirty; lrish
woman cast open the door and confronted
me. The creature was drank too, so
drunk that she staggered.’
‘As the door opened, I heard a mingling
of male and female voices, and the sound
of a bacchanalean revelry.’
‘Who lives in. tbe third story of this
house?’ I demanded.
‘I did not, of; course, suppose, that the
house was occupied by but one family, on
the contrary, 1 judged that every room
was rented separately.’
‘Who lives in the third story, is it V
repeated the woman, with a drunken hic
cough between every syllable.
‘Yes, yes. Who lives in the third
story?' I replied, with a growing impa-
•An' how should I know, I’d like yer to
tell me V was the Indignant answer. ‘l’m
not the landlord, sure, nor the landlords
lady, aythtr.’
•Then you don’t know who lives up
stairs I' I added.
‘Divii a bit,’ was the forcible rejoinder.
•Well, some <:>ne cried murder up there,
a few moments ago!’ I continued.
•Did they, indade ?’ responded she with
out the least show of anxiety or of curios
•Yes. they did,’ I quickly replied—didn't
you hear it ?
•Divii a bit, sur."
T si w that I should make no headway
with this iKtor creature, and took another
•I will go up stairs and see what is the
matter, my good woman, if you have no
objection,’ I exclaimed, at the same time,
pushing past the female, who, however,
willingly made way for me.
•Be me sowl. it’s none o’me bis’ness at
all, at all." she muttered its she shut the
•I scrambled on up the dark, rickety
stairs and at his: mounted to the third
As I reached the upper hall, I heard ;
the sound of voices, issuing from the front i
room. I -moved over towards the door,
following the sound, for I could see noth
ing; hut had not taken half a dozen steps
when that ominous cry again smote fear
fully on my ears.’
‘Murder! murder!’
•I stopped a moment, thrilled to the i
verv heart, and then.dashed on again; for j
I am no coward as you know, and only i
too ready to poke myself into danger and j
T tried the door, it was locked.’
‘Open the door there!’ 1 said with a
peremptory kick.
‘I heard a scrambling inside, and the
buzz of smothered voices, curses, cries,
groans, and, as I thought, the peculiar
sound of blows.’
‘Outside, I could hear nothing except
the cries of the drunken revelers, which
rose up from the rooms below.’
•No one at all seemed to hear or heed,
what was going on there in the third
‘I knocked again, once more demanding
‘Open the door there ’ I cried.’
‘I thought net of danger to myself.—
Previous immunity from harin' had made
me reckless and ventursomc.’
‘The sound of the struggle grew louder
and more violent. It was flerc? and san
guinary, if there was any judging from
what I heard.’
•Help! oh help! now came to my ears
in smothered tones.’
‘Fairly beside myself with excitement,
I placed my shoulder against, the door,
and pushed with all my might. In a few
moments it burst open, and flew back
against the walk’ o |
‘I almost fell my full length into the
apartment. Managing to recover my
equilibrium, however, I glanced around.’
‘The room was a large one, and was
comfortably, even handsomely, furnished.
I was amazed : for I did not expect to be
hold anything but the evidences of the
most squallid poverty.'
‘What did it mean V
‘At a glance I took in the comfortable,
even luxurious surroundings: and then
my gaze became riveted on a terrible scene
which- was transpiring in the middle of
the room.’
A woman still young in years, as 1 could
readily see, and quite handsomely dressed,
was laying prostrate upon her back on the
floor. Her dress was tom and bloody,
her face and hands besmeared with gore,
and her whole appearance violently lie
ranged and disordered.
‘Bending over her was a rather hand
some man who was probably thirty-five
years of age. He was well and fashiona
bly dressed; and his whole appearance,
save that it was now disordered by excite
ment,, was quite gentlemanly. His hands
Were bloody, and his apparel much disor
‘I said the man was rather handsome —■
he was; but at tbe same rime he was
quite as wicked-looking as he was hand-
some . Never shall I forget the glance he j
darted at me as I tumbled into the room-' j
It was the look of a fiend. His brilliant
black eyes dashed like balls of burning fire,
and in their gleaming depths Was mirrored
every chirk crime in the blackened calen
•The glaring devil was resting one
knee on the woman’s swelling bosom, and
clasping heir throat with his bands, till
the power of utterance was almost taken
from her.’
•What do you want here?’ hissed the
man tel ween his set teeth : and he looked
as if he would kill me on the spot, if his
hands were onlv tree.
•The woman' moaned and tried to cry
murder again but she was too choked up
to utter the .word distinctly.’
•The brute who had her down was re
ally strangling her to death, and my blood
boiled at the sight. The scene so excited
me too that I did not think; to look out
for help, in fact, I thought only of what
was lief ore me.'
‘Lei go there, you villain' I cried,
springing at the fellow furiously-’
The rascal relaxed his hold of the
woman to save himself from me : and he
and I grappled in a deadly grip.’
‘Holding each other at arms’ length, we
measured one another’s powers.’
‘The woman on the floor now began to
breath freer, and show some signs of con
sciousness. In a few moments she stag
gered to her feet, and glanced around the
room in a bewildered manner: Then'her
eyes fell upon us and her face lighted up.’
•Thank God, I am saved from death,
she cried, in cracked tones, as she Seemed
to realize the scene before her—‘Philip,’
she addl'd, shaking her reddened hand —
red with her own blood —at my writhing
opponent. ‘Philip, true as I was to you,
you would have killed me: and as sure as
1 live I’ll give you up to justice.’
■Still that wicked looking man and my
self held each other at arms length.’
•What has led to tliis scene, madman r
I demanded, as well as I was able, for my
opponent was a man of muscle, and was
struggling hard to get tbe .better of me. —
Strong as 1 was myself, I doubted my
power to hold him much longer.’
‘The unfounded jealousy of that man —
my husband! was the woman’s deep reply.
That man Philip!’
‘Devi! that you are breathe that name
at your peril, fiercely cried my antagonist.’
‘The woman had now somewhat recov
ered herself, and rising to her feet, she
continued boldly and defiantly :
That man, I say, Philip Durney, the
The next moment she fled from the
room and L- could hear the pit-a-pat of
her feet descending the stairs.’
The man uttered a howl.’
‘Philip Dumey! I repeated in complete
‘The name of Phil Dumey was notori
ously famous. A more desperate, bloody
handed desperado was nowhere to be
found and for a long time previous, her
culean efforts had been made to capture
the bold, desperate and successful burglar
chief; for such he was known to be.’
‘Yes, Phil Dumey, curse you! hissed
the outlaw: ,'Phil Dumey, the burglar,
desperado and murderer! Sow, hands off!’
The desperate villain made a powerful
wrench ; but I am no child, and he did
not escape me.’
‘Evidently the rascal had no weapons
about him, or I should have fared worse.
It was a providence for me. His wife he
had been beating to death with his fist.’
‘The last words of the burglar had hard
ly fallen from his lips, when the clatter of
feet was heard on the stairs ; and, almost
instantly afterward, three or four police
man rushed into' the apartment.’
‘Seize this man! I quickly cried out.
It is Dumey, the burglar!’
‘We know it! simultaneously exclaimed
the officers, as they darted across the
The robber’s wife had sent them up, as
it subsequently appeared.’
‘With a fearful curse, Dumey again
made an effort to escape me, and this rime
be was successful as he was sudden, my
attention being somewhat drawn away to
other objects.’
‘A few desperate bounds carried him
out of the room. The policemen grabbed
at him, but he tore away. -At the head
of the stairs, however, the experienced
officers had stationed a couple of their
nmnbqr, and the desperate burglar was
defeated in his purpose.’
•We followed the villain.!
‘Cut off from the stairs, Dumey dashed
back into the dark hall, where, it appear
ed, there was a step ladder leading to a
trap, and out upon the roof. Quick as
lightning, so to speak, be mounted tbe
steps, threw open the trap and dashed out
upon the house.’ : *
‘We followed as fast as We could, but'
when we got out upon the roof, the bur
glar Was two or three houses off, clamber
ing from one building to another like §
‘Stop there, you villain, or I’ll shoot
' yon down!’ cried one of toe policemen.’
Shoot if you dare V wag the contempto
| oos reply, followed by a derisive laugh-’
‘At this instant toe burglar came to a
division of six or eight feet between the
houses. Catching himself on the very
edge, he drew back suddenly, and gazed
around- The moon was up now and we
could see it all plainly.’
Tie trace his steps he could not, without
falling back into our hands, while on pne
side of him was the alley not less than a
dozen feet wide, and on the other the
yards of the houses.’ I
‘A leap of six or eight feel, at a height
of three stories, is no trifling matter, but
the burglar’s only alternative was cap
'Meanwhile we were approaching : the
villain, though but slowly, for we bad to
be very cautions of our steps.’
'lf he ’tempts to jump that he’ll save
the hangman a job! exclaimed one of the
officers, as we stepped along.'
'At that moment Duraey darted back a
few paces and involuntarily halted. The
next moment with a shout of defiance, be
wildly dashed forward, and almost that
instant, we saw the desperate villain fly
ing through the air.’ >
'The leap was well made, and only ; fell
a very little ; but that little cost the burg
lar his life. Madly catching at the oppo
site house, Durney missed his hold, ;and
tumbled down, down, down! A curse of
disappointment smote upon the air, and
then for a moment all was still.’
■ The next instant we reached the edge
of the roof, and peeped over the j&xzy
height As we did so the body of the bur
glar struck the side walk, and was dashed
into atoms.’
‘As soon as possible we -descended, and
gathered up the remains, which the next
day were interred in the paupers’ burying
ground. Since then nothing has been
heard or seen of the burglar’s wife.’
‘ Something of this appeared in the pa
pers, but nothing like the full particulars,
which I have here given, you must admit,
forms somewhat of an adventure.’
Master axd Scholar. —“ When I
was a boy,” said an old man, “we had a
schoolmaster who had an odd way of
catching idle boys. One day he called out
to us; .
■■ Boys, 1 must have closer attention to
your books. The first one of you that
sees another boy idle, I want you to in
form me, and I will attend to the casei.”
*‘ Ah,” thought I to myself, “ there is
Joe Simpson that I don’t like. I’ll watch
him, and if 1 see him look off his book’ I’ll
tell. It was not long before I seen Joe
look off his 'book and immediately I in
formed the master.
“ said he, “ how did yon know
he was idle?” j
“ I saw him,” said I. ■, '
“ Ypu did: and were your eyes on your
book when you saw him?”
I Was caught, and never watched: for
idle boys again.
If we are sufficiently watchful over our
own conduct, we shall have no time to
find fault with the conduct of others, :
A Short Akswek. —One of the enroll
ing marshals, the other day received a
strong bint from a down town feinale.
Stopping at a lady’s house he found her
before her door endeavoring to effect with
a vegetable huckster a twenty per cant
abatement in the price of ai peck pf toma
“Have you any men here, ma’am I”
The reply was gruff and curt—“No”.
“Have you no husband madam?”’.
“ Perhaps yon have a son, ma’am t”
“Well, what of it?”
“I should like to know where hp ; is.”
“Well he isn’t here.”
“So I see, ma’am. Pray where is he?”
“In the Union army, where you ought to
The marshal hastened around the Cor
ner. ;He didn’t further interrogate; the
lady.' • ■
fT A young lady fainted at dinner, the
other day because the servant brought a
roast pig on the table that showed its
bare legs.
‘What made yon faint?’ anxiously - en
quired her friends as soon as she came; to.
‘ The nakedness of that horrible quadru
ped,’ sobbed this bashful piece of modesty.
‘ Och, an’ hedad,’ exclaimed the 1 servant
who had brought in the offensive pig, ‘it
wasn’t naked ?at all, at alt I dressed it
myself before I brought it insure.’ ;
i 3“ An ingenuous youth from the Gran
ite State now reading at Denver, returned
to his lodgings a few nights since in a
state of great independence and erectpeas
« My friendj” asked his wondering com
panion and room mate, “ are you drunk or
saber?'* ■
“Well,” replied the youth, with; the
peculiar dignified and oracular manner
which only an intoxicated person l ean
assume, “for Pike’s Peak, sober; for New
Hampshire, pretty ——drunk.”
«T Punch will continue to poke sharp
sticks at us. In his last number is. Ac
following. * Latest from Washington—
General Hallock is to aasansß oonnhand
of the Federsl annies under the 'tide of
Hallecfalander the Great’
touching appeal.
The following extract from the fu
neral discourse of Rev.J. fi. Berry, at the
obsequies of Ex-President Van Bur*, at
Kinderhook, New York, contains Flec
tions of a highly affecting character :
“Before ns Bee the lifelees body of one
of the Presidents of our Union. We boxy
him amid sudr circumstances as never
attended the burial of a President of the
people's choice before. While we are en
gaged in these solemn rites, at this very hour
an atrocious rebellion is warring for that
Union's utter destruction. ShaU it suc
ceed ? Shall it be said that the 1% of
this republic was measured only by the
life of one of its-rulers * Are you ready
to lay the Union beside him in his grave ?
Are yon willing to make his tomb the
memorial of a republic, which in his own
lifetime, rose from three to thirty millions
—put on a transcendent glory among tin
nations —blessed its citizens as no other
citizens ever were blessed—kindled hope
among the oppressed of all the earth—
brightened the prospects: of the Savior's
universal reign, and then suddenly was
put to death because its recreant amts
would not defend it against the foulest
conspiracy the sun ever looked upon, save
that which hung the Lord of glory on the
O, with such reflections, who would
wish to remember even the names of the
rulers of the nation whose ephemeral
glories would only cast a deeper Infamy
upon its untimely ruin f If a shattered
and degraded and inpoverished country,
how sad would such memories be?—how
full of shame and remorse and bitterness?
Instead of the rejoicing with which we
have been wont to hale the anniversary
of-our nation's birth, we would rather be
tempted to say: “ Let that day be dark
ness. Let not God regard it from above;
neither let the light shine upon it Let
darkness and the shadow of death stain
it. Let a cloud dwell upon it Let
"the blackness of the day terrify it—
Let it not be joined unto the days of the
year. Let it not come in the number
of months.” With a more poignant fpief
than David’s we would cry; “Hiebeauty
of Israel is slain upon the high places.
How are the mighty fallen. Tell it not
in Gath. Publish it not in the streets of
Askelon, lest the daughters of the undr
cumsized triumph.”
As the modern Jew of Jerusalem de
barred from the temple of his fathers,
weeps every week at the outside of the
impenetrable wall and presses his throb
bing head in agony against the stones, to
think that he may no more see the glories
and taste the joys and tread the court of
that holy place which once was the com
mon heritage of all ; so would we,ina
country conquered and destroyed by trea
son, weep at the outside'of the wall of an
irretrievable rain, over privileges and
blessings, over the names of rulers and
the memories of prosperity and honor, once
ours, hot forever lost because in the hour
of their danger we rarii mot to -their
Shall it be so, O, ye who assemble
to-day to bear one pf your nation's mien
to the tomb? Canyon bear the thought
of yourself and children standing in fu
ture years beside that tomb only to look
over that nation's'rains t Can you con
sent to it, if it be the power of man, fay
the help of God, to avert so dire a doom?
If not, then hear the voice which 6od in
His Providence speaks to you to day.. It
is not foe voice of partisanship, or pas
sion, or prejudice; it is: the voice of high
and holy duty, bidding you like Israel of
old, to ‘play the man for your people amt
the cities. of your God.’ i Tour natural
obligations as citizens damapA it, the
cause of truth demands it, the remem
brance of the past, the dangersand strag
glings of the present, the hopes and fears
of the demand it; gratitude to
God demands it; a regard for the
of religion and liberty demand it; all fl»«t
we hold dear in- our own intercut and
hopes for this world, the love we hare our
offsprings, the trembling hopes of mil
lions of the oppressed among the nations’
the evil eye and malicious wishes of ty
rants—all, all combine in implgpug w to
know the day of our visitation ; to iyt
away every partisan, and prejudiced, and
avaricious thought; and over the grave of
our departed President, to pledge our
country now, in the hour of its stupend
ous danger, what the true patriots
pledged it at the hoar of its birth—pur
lives, our fortunes, and our sacred honor.”
WThe longest war recorded in bitaoiy,
if not the moat destructive and important,
was that waged for a hundred tatdmgktg
ttoo yean against the Spanish invaders by
an Indian tribe, or rather nation, called
the Anrancaniana, occupying the south
eastern part of Sonth America.
CT ‘Snobs,’ said Mm Snobs tober hus
band, the otter day, after the baO^ ( Snobs,
why did yon dance with every lady in the
room last night before yon noticed meT
*Wby,my dear,’ said the devoted Snobs, ‘I
—rescrre the best for tbe hat’ ■■■■■ -
NO. 88.