f.
,iL
i
:I*K
§&■ J3iixdei»y
ic BOOK MAinjßAC^ai Y
M*rkt< & . yarrabuTffJpn
jlsimu nt is cUre% (JcvoK'.i,
JBuolcm ftjf __ y "
gae^issgaafe
Bun' 1
lain. ruled ana bpood to order rjf, 1 ’''
tin; best linen paper. ll '.'
I oUMih>, ikairtaf to have _ ,
deiitte prices, should give twaoali
(»e*t sile», Harper's;,WeekgT^i^.'
pi, .Scientific dpierlctui, Ikwdota *22 '
»ltn any style Xir^sSgS^
ieterbockfi, Jllockwood’sa&OrahST 1
f*W*
’Japo Music, kc. bound In e*tr»it»l.. ,
pijiaUt«ntial half binding. .SaJeJJJu ' r
pxiiivi, Pamphlet la»t. boobjCSemii f 1 ’
rr.t moderate prices. Person,ltkTin,
leaito bind, will toceiee »llb*t«ld|»coui,T
Je be sent to us from adlatane* 1,,
pork euwiMted ,i*lT
fefy packed and '
pei. AiMrt*,, K. L, fiUjTgtl
& HERN, at the TrUmnt Ot&e. » r , ~
uuiaud vicinity. They «||| gire lnfon,, :
.> Minding. anti receivenni returnbook.
haHrw, for Jill who eirt.tMtHMr Vnik t
I IMarch2l.iBdl.lv
i
KJ. a O c
,c , . « \
as c ’.s
axst-l- ■ ■—'' »S i,CS'2 ■„•
. S «| e
$ q‘s -S «
i«f s'l si
! a**!
l»i:SS^
■ « as: «,
ir § s :sr : |&
i Psfgfs
* «33|«£
j-i CO <3O-2 i.
i! u: sfc
[si « £■< &S .
e S |» « !
3>s|ss-B§-
2«-|a ; a|
OO* Ss
. sif '
r^-
>
&
©
m
RY AND BAKERY!
o>ersh:nki) announ.
.citizens of Altoona ami vicinity that hi*
If a‘large invoice? or . ■;•
NUTS** KPICES
4klren Ac„ expressly for the Holiday*,
jpalway* on hand a good Stock of JiUiii
•rf Ms own manufacture. '
•jPRrNES, R A ISIN§, &0.
it.u.ll l of liiH year.
4 Sugar. Molasses, Boiler.
>/> WHITE WHEATFLom.
iUt FLOUR. CORN MEAL. AC..
t H tor in large oramaU rjoantitie*.
4n«l my sf«»ek‘ and yon will ftn*t
ijapu* ffny in lywn.
JACOB WIRE,
.jIAT HSTLON WHICH
the mind of-every
M get the Vg*»t article
ii>-l to otiier matter*. the snlvwHv
to direct^ Imt If '
nUluvlmti <>i
>rs ;OK-.SIiOKS '
BM*xtun;nK.tUm <>t hi- stock amt work.
ihtl.v on at; a.-Mariuu-at ofßooU.Bli>'i.
. which hi- offers at fair price?.
j*|*ecfaU attention to custom worit-'ah >
writufeed *Hti*taciion. Nouefyaf il>
r.. #1
4hoj» is on ►treet, iinni«UiU**t
&-»n' ■
JOHN H. ROBERT*
Hettinger’s
ai XwS. J%eucy.
,1, No. 7, .MAIN STREET
KOOKS. BLANK BOOKS,
i|:y. CONFECTIONARIES
&S, & TOBACCO,
50TI0XS IN GHKATVARnSTY
pSTAJiTIjT ON HASIU
IE POLICE GAZETTE.—
; Journal of Crime and Criminal* 1* in
anti lit widely circulatedthtooghoui
contain! all the OreetTriale, CfhtflMl
riaie Editorials on the *ome,tegeU>«r wi'l l
tpnloal Hatter*. not teWwuw Ihen.v
als $2 per annum; $1 for flix month* io
lucribera. {who should writo theh luHiit-i
irtty and State wheri they reeldepUinh,
To Q. yr. MATBKLI, t CO
- of New York Police.Gaaette
f ,V«n ToriOtn
FEGTIONERY
ASTER SAIO.OS,
jscrißer would in
cizena of Altoona and' fioinUf ti*»T
M Ktnr and FKUir BSCKB,& MW*
hest articles «o be had, ano la fiwi
4»o an ' ; .
TEH SALOON
In which he will serve up O.YBTKKS
lljeeeaeon,
4 BREAD <£■ DIES ab&ty* ?*.****'
to snpplj cak«**eandh»**‘;-
parties.' He Invites a:
$ that he can
Ji>re and saloon Is o»TlfS^settee^t wo
M» Halt; OTQ BO^*
itmi-u ■ r^.':
:iKSSJ.EH—PRAGWCAJ.
ST, r<»p«rt(hlly
ijtodna apd the pdSffe
tjontinnai
W to bnaneM, and a d«df?
price
i (thare of pubUcpateonatf*. ~
f irohaate jmppUed on '.
AdfetaaMprompHy («««»
rtptioM catefaßy'eoßywttded. V~^
!$ • B ASIS.-r$MpW J“ r ,
jtO*tto maonbetar* th* PfffiSi to
♦r totfce old «rto, <m rtwr I**:*
k«r SUcolur. ft I**
conne tbtr* 1» ml J”VT.
ic< often bect«n« ttlmwtlofe
f teeth will jtlmw
i Office in UiuKH^lrwjbv*^^;
fl) LARD 011*8-
de tdnid. Cerbon
> AT MoCORMICKi^
i; aMurtoieiit of
JBS.——A LABefc^f*'
AT, TOOTH, ©ift#®* 0
:*«*iT?™if»* Jw^* T ' r Ji.jnrfr
ItSOBtBIN?* iUw
iis, cm
Tul
BS ASI) Bt
& DtHS,
\'l)U 1
„, tm „ .payable invariably in advance,)..'.... SWO.
h-continm'd lit the expiratioiiot the time
: .CBM- ..r ADVSKTIBISO.
1 insertion - do. do.
1( .„ 0 $25 S *. $ 00
•*' " , \ li'uui) SO lb luu
: - I"''' , T .. 100 160 .‘2.00
.. , 160 12 00 2SO
w«k.and lew tlinu three months, 25 cents
.. for esch insertion
montliß. 0 month". Ifffli.
c 1 60 $ 3 00 si6 00
' 250 400 jT 00
4 00 0 00 10 00
5 oo S 00 12 00
0 OH 10 oo 14.00
.10 00 14 00 SO 00
:|.!I column u w 25 00 40 00
, tsft'iffi car;i s ;-;;;,t v excodiu e * ; 5 oo
.in'u'tJiri-'l. will be continued till forbid and charged
" h " i: 7 ice*five cents per line for every ioscrUpn.
.lues or If-HH
BALTIMORE LOCK HOSPITAL
-TtllhlSilHD AS A KBFUUE KROSI QUACKEUV
"The Only Place Where a Cure Can
be Obtained.
( \K, JOHNSON bus discovered ■the
! / „„.l Certain. Speedy and Effectual Remeuy in
« .’rid far all Private Diseases. Weakness of the l.acl.
1 V sirietuivs, Affections of tile Kidneys mid Clad
iaieliiatai'V Mscharpes.lmpotency, General Deßllity.
■ V, atsaess. Jlvspepsy, l-amrie.r. Low Spirits. Confgwou
' |1„ ,r Palpitation of the Heart. Timidity, Tri.-mlilings.
; , „, J si-'ht or Giddiness. Disease ol the lleail.
'\-osa o" Skin. Affections of the Liver, lungs, fetom
' ‘ r' uaaels—tiiuse Terrible disorders arising Irons the
llahits of Youth-i-tlwse SOCKET and solitary prac
. fatal to theil victims than the sunt; ol syrens to
■a oi-i-rs of Ulysses; blighting their most brilliant
„ latieipaticins, rjmderitig marriage ..tea impossi
YOUNG men
i 11 v wh" have lifetime tli" victims of Solitary jV ice.
'll'liliiil ami .lesliictive lial.it which annually sweeps
to uutiiin’tv irtave thousaii.ls of \ otinjr Men of the most
,11-1 Mleiilian.l brilliant intellect, who might other
• hive entranced listening Senates with the tlmtnlers
or wakeil to ertasy the living lyre, may call
, mil
MARRIAGE.
, lj; or Tomis Men iMitemplatnur manria^‘.
,i;-Uvarc of physical we:iknn«, organic debility.
,ai\, if. v cured. ,
’!.• w[i• ► lump'll under tli • catv of In - ..). iunj ic
; , Miii.l'* iu li:s a- n gentleman. urns cm.i
uiiou.Jiis skill as a j.hysu’ian.
, ORGANIC WEAKNESS
ii t (.-iv Cured. and full icer Restored,
rii- ni'tt.-ss'm ■* Alf-rrion—'vliicli renders Lilt* miserable
.•.V m-irrUsT is Ho- Penalty pai.l l‘.v tin
,, -i navi'p.'r in..iiiiai.‘,''-‘.s. \ uiuir air to
■■ ,|. ri iii rSi-.'.-c- front »■.« 1.-'inß awaio of,tin’ .in-’.iu
u'-n.'.-s tlmt limy ' ri-.il-. Now. will! that iin.lcr
■! . U tii" -ul.K'.'l will 1" il.-liy th:it 11,0 ].-.tv-r ot
i, 1„-1 ..,.11, rl/v 100-i ; railing: into iliil« - 'ij..-r
,‘., : -’lll,n. l.v 111- Mi Til -nt • b.-iiiß .Idpi ivtni tlio
.• „n'„;;iUhv 111., most scnolls aart
oni,-:iv.‘ symptom'. m t.-.lli !‘.’.iy anil min. 1 uris* 1 T!|.‘
. ..t.'iu 1......,ui..s L'.-vlii- Phy.-maU an.l M.-ntal Funr-.
. W.-aUmi.-.1. 1,..-- A i'i , ■ itiv.. Pnuor. y.Tvons Irri
•O.ilitv, llv.n,.|.si;. I'.lpil.t; . .ft),.. 111-art. 1 mlia'ist am
■ ■ .ailitiilioii'il Hr!.,l.;.'.»V...tiiiß of tbo Kri.tiic. l.iai?!,.
i' .ii'Uiiiptioli. l)'--' t> end I> : 1-
OFFICE, NO. 7 SOUTH FREDERICK STREET,
1,.-:- ha:it| >Uc -..dug IV-'in I‘. il' in;on* street. n fi-w < (.o..r>
,i ili-- Kail rf‘*t s .Vh~vrve nuuh and numb. r
i.-r:--;-' miiat Jje jmu! and ■ •imtain :i stamp. *1 he Doe
,1 - D.jiluiU'is hang jo hi* oniee
A CURE WARRANTED IN TWO DAYS-
V<» Mercury ->r yu\*fOHs Drugs.
OR. JOHNSON, , w .
M.-aiher of-the Koval College of surgeons, Loudon, (jkui
inii- fn>m din- of the most eminent College? in the United
M.'t-'. ami the greater part of whose life 11 as been spent m
h-.M.itaU of London. Paris, Philadelphia am! olse
•vli i -. has effected some of the most astonishing cures
:ii;it were ever known; many troubled with ringing in the
!i,-a 1 and ears when asleep, great nervousness, being
iUriiK-l at sudden sounds, hasfafulness, with frequent
i.inching. attended, sometimes with derangement *»f mind,
ucured immediately. _
TAKE PARTICULAR NOTICE.
I. addresses all those who have injured thbmseivcs
m improper indulgence and solitary habits, which ruin
•rri body and mind, unfitting them for either business.
mu ly. society or manjiage. •
TiisSE are’some of ihe sad anil melancholy effects pro
i i -d by early habit* of vouth, via; Weakness of the
Cu-k and Limbs, tains in the Head. Dimness of Sight.
.*s of Muscular -Power. Palpitation of the UcarL Dys*
S'or vans Irritability..Dersyigetneut of the Digos
• {■’unctions. General Debility, Symjptoms of Coiisump*
MLXTALLt.—The fearful effects of the mind ur*> much U.
... .u-eaded—L'«w of Memory, Confusion of Idea*. Dc
i •••imi of spirits. Kvil-Forehodings, Aversion to society.
* I'. Distrust, Love of Solitude, Timidity, Ac., are sumo of
-vlls produced. . . . , .
Tii >is\VD3 of persons of all ages can now judge what h
:hc cause of their declining health, hying their vigor, be
■-Huing weak, pale, nervous and emaciated, having a mu
uu’ar appearance about the eyes, cough and symptoms, ot
< -usinupfiou
YOUNG WEN: .
\v\, .» have injured themselves by a certain practice m*
a in when alone, a habit frequently learned from
• vil companions, or at school, the effect*” of which are
nightly Mt, even when asleep, and if not cured tender*
mu riate imposiblc, and destroys both and body.
•li'Hilil apply immediately,/ :
What u pity that a young man, the hope of hi* opuntry.
•l:\rliutr of his parents, should ho snatfchod from all
Tir.*«sftJ*cts and enjoyments of life, by; the consequence of
1 -viating from the path of nature, and Indulging tu a
< rtaSn secret habit. Such persons MCST, before contem
plating
MARRIAGE, .
iv/lfct that a oujnd mind and body ar4 the most noress.irj
!■ to promote connubial happiness. Indeed. with"
■ »nt these. the journey through life becomes u weary pil*
:.;ritnage: the prospect hourly darkens to the view; the
mind becomes shadowed with despair jand filled with the
that the happiness ot another be
•’•»ines blighted with our own.
DISEASE OF IMPRUDENCE. ,
When the misguided and imprudent votary of pleasure
liuds that he has imbibed the seeds jof this painful d»s
-• A>f. h too often happens that an Ul-tikued sense ofshame,
•*r *irt-ad of discovery, deters him froth applying to Chose
"d-ifr-»m education and respectability, cun alone be
fri‘-u*l him. delaying till the constitutional symptoms of
thi< horrid disease make their nppeariijce, such as ulcera
■" I v»ro throat, diseased nose, nocturnal pain sin the head
md limbs, dimness of sight, deafness* nodes on the snip
'•mitu ami tirmSt blotches on the head, face and extrctnl
progressing with frightful rapidity, til!
I'niiit** *jf the mouth or the bones of.the nose fall In, and
victim of this awful disease becomes a horridobject.of
■ *!i'riiim»ratiou, till death puts a period to his dreadful
•uttering-', by sending him t'» “that Undiscovered Country
hom whence no traveller returns.” 1 . .
it Ha jndanrJuily fact that thousands fall victims to
i ut-i t-vrible disease, owing to the uijskiUfulness of igno
rmt pretenders, who, by the use of that JJeadly ■ Ftftton*
ruin the constitution and make the residue of
' if- miserable.
P
dr**
the altoona tribune,
AXU RROI-BIETORS
STRANGERS; . ;
i ru-r n<«t v.nir lives, ar health to the can* of the man>
l -nKirtii*.l«w.l Worthless !‘reloni?eri, destitute of koowl
l-''. iiaau 6r character, wh> copy Pr. Johnston 8 ailver
fK,, iii“iits.ftp style them selves, in the newspaper*, fcgn
lirly KUucated Physicians. incapablek‘f Curing, they.kcep
> >1 trilling month after month, hiking tbclrfllfhy and
l>'isinotH compounds, or as long asjthe smallest fet can v
and in despair. le.ive yoi with rnlnpd health
• • Mgh n ver your galling disappointnieiit. .
hr .folnHton’is the only Physician hdvertiwing. ’ *
His -'v<-ii.*ntlal or diplomas always hang In hfs office,
Hi'r.*m*jrliea or treatment an* unknown to all others,
5-r ;vin-.i fr .mi a Hf" sp.-nt in the great hospitals pfEbrojw'.
,;i " rir*t in the country an! a more extensive Private jZVuo
than any other Physician In the world. ,
.... INDORSEMENT OF THE PRESS, i
Her many tiidusands cuted at this institution, yearafter
. Vt, ar. and the numerous important- Surgical tfpcTiitiona
by Johnston, witnessed hji the reporters pf the
‘ Clipper*" and many otliir papers, notices of
'■ v -iWi have appeared again ‘an«J again before the public,
'■(M-Ws his standing ass a g-mtlemotv of character and re
''nsibllity, is a sufficient gunraafee.tothe ahlicted.
SKIN DISEASES SPEEDILY CURED. ;
letters received unless tnd containing a
*iamp tji.be used on tin* reply Persons wntiugaliouW state
age andscad jiortion of «.l vcrtUement describing symptom*
i J. erilo ? s ts^'Ml hl be particular In directing: their
Nora to this Institution, in the following manners
M ‘ JOHNSTON. WK 0»»
Uitlie Baltimore Lock Hospital, Mnrylfc
iftote |£««tsg.
11. C. DBUS
LAUGH AND CROW FAT.
There’s nothing here oil earth deserves
Half of the thought we waste about it.
And thinkingbntdestroys the nerves,,
When we could doso well without it;
If.folks would lot the world go round,
And pay their tithfes. and eat their dinners,
Such doleful looks would not bc'fouud.
To frighten us poor lauglung sinners.
Never sigh when you am sing,
But laugh, like iue r at everything. :
One fdaguep himsclf about the sun.
And puzzles ou through every weather,
What time heULriac—how long he 1 !! inn—
And when heTl leavens altogether;
Now matters it a pebble stone.
Whether ho shines at six or seven?
If they don't the sun alone, .
At last they’ll plague him out of Heaven !
Never sigh when you can sing,
But laugh, like mo, at eveiything!
Auotlicr spins from out his brains,
Fine cobwebs, to amuse his neighbors.
And gets, for all his toils and pains,
Ueviewed, and laughed at for his labors
Fame is./uV star! and fume is sweet;
And praise is pleasanter than honey—
I w rite at just so much a sheet.
And Messrs. Longman pay the money!
Never sigh when you cun sing.
But laugh, like mo. at everything!
My brother gave Ins heart away
To MercandoGi, when ho met her,
married Mr. Ball, one day—
He's gone,to Sweden to forgot her!
1 had a charmer, loo—ami sighed.
And raved all day and night about her
She caught a cold, poor thing! and died,
Ami I—am just as fat without her!
Mover High when you can mug.
But laugh, like me, at everything!
For tears are Viiitly pretty thing*,
But makfc one very thin ami taper:
Ami sighs are music's sweetest- strings.
But sound most beautiful —on paper!
“Thought*’ is the Sage’s brightest star.
Her gems alone are worth his-finding
But as I’m not particular.
Please God ! I'll keep on “ never minding.
Never sigh when you causing.
But laugh, like me, at everything
OU I in this troubled *fc*rld of ours,
A laughter-mine's a glorious treasure;
And separating thorns from lloweis.
Is half a pain and half a pleasure:
And why be grave instead of gayi
Why feel a thirst when f-dks are nualhng
Uh! trust me, whatsoer they .-ay.
re's nothing half so go.nl as laughing
Never sigh when you can sing.
But laugh, like me, at everything!
Mdui
WHY I AM GOING TO ENLIST,
The other day a business looking per
sonage called at my uncle’s house in Mad
ison avenue and politely requested the
names and ages ot" the male members ol
the family. I was just going out and
heard Biddy, the chambermaid, telling
him that the elder Mr. Jones was 52,
“and this gentleman,” said she, “is all we
have in the family besides him.”
“For what purpose are you procuring
the names 1” 1 inquired.
“To ascertain who are liable to do mil
itary duty,” was the reply. “We must
take down tire names of every man be
tween the ages of 18 and 45, and I pre
sume, from your appearance you do not
call yourself forty-five ?”
“No, sir,” 1 replied, “but yet it will be
useless to take my name, as 1 can convince
you' in five minutes if you will walk in.”
‘T best your pardon, sir, I have no tune, i
Give me your name, if you please, and
then if you have. an excuse to offer you
can present it at the proper time and
place.”
“Feter Jones is my name, and 1 shall
be 30 years old next birth-day. But I
assure you, my friend, your labor will be
wasted, for should I take a musket in my
hands at arm’s length I could not see far
enough to discern the bayonet.”
“That is of no consequence,” said the
follow, tantalizingly. “All we require is
a sound man who can pull a trigger. 1
have no doubt you would make an excel
lent soldier.”
As he said this he coolly recorded ■ my
name, age and address in a little book
book bound in blue morocco.
“The fellow is right I mentally ex-
claimed, and I believe I will go and en
list in tlie array. Doing this, I may gain
some distinction; but in society my case
is hopeless.
The fact is, kind reader, I am hopeless
ly short-sighted, and have been so from
babyhood. My life has been but a series
of blunders in consequence, and if 1 could
but be assured that I should make none
in serving my country, I would be cheer
fully content to endure the hardships of a
soldier’s life.
■ My misfortunes commenced with my
life—yea, from ray veriest infancy—and
have continued up to this day. My moth
er has often told me, that When a baby, I
would make a dozen ineffectual attempts
to gain her breast, and my first essays in
the art of walking, have been memorialized
by h multiplicity of scars, occasioned by
violent contact with chairs, tables, and
other articles of domestic usefulness. As
a boy, I was still more deserving of (com
miseration. In fact, my misfortunes seem
ed to. accumulate .with my growth. The
delicacies of the dinner table were invari
able appropriated by mV brothers and sis-
ALTOONA, PA., THURSDAY, SEPTEMBERS, 1862.
ters, before I could be made conscious of
presence ; and if I failed to examine
closely everj'i particle upon the prongs of
my fork, or in the concave of my spoon, I
might inadvertently swallow a red pepper
for a sausage, or masticate a. quantity of
horse-radish for as much sugar or Sago
cheese. These petty annoyances- were as
nothing compared to the mortifications
which riperyjears imposed upon me. If
I made a friend, I was sure to lose him
within a fortnight by my apparently cold
neglect; and; as for any acquaintance
among the lollies, that seemed to be en
tirely out of: the question, as the female
sex are even more sensitive than ours to
any coolness or inattention. I resolved to
turn over a new leaf. As all my friends,
both male and female, had felt themselves
slighted by my distant reserve, 1 resolved
that that should be the case no longer, for
I would bow or speak to every man I met,
and would make myself agreeable to every
lady ig - some way that should not offend.
1 put my resolution at once in practice,
and for a while things went swimmingly
on : but at length the same result was the
consequence.
“What have 1 done now ?” asked lof a
friend, “why am I again thrust without
the pale of society ?”
“The reason is, simply,’’ said he, gaz
ing about to see that no one observed him
O >
speaking to so proscribed a being as I,
“that people are not willing to meet, on
terms of sociability and equality, a man
who claims the acquaintance of every loaf
er, male aud female, he may chance to
meet. At church, last Sunday, you offer
ed your arm to Mrs. Brown’s pretty cham
bermaid : and you were yesterday observ
ed by Dick Davis in the act of making a
profound bow to three of the most notori
ous courtezous in town. Dick swears he
will tell his sister to cut your acquaint-
ance.”
“Good God!” exclaimed I, “is it possi
ble V aud 1 went off in the greatest des
pair. for Miss Davis was the only girl
who had seemed to realize my infirmity,
and had, in fact, forgiven some very mark
ed slights which lin ignorance had made
when meeting her. Why thought I, am
1 coupled with such a destiny ? lam one
of the gentlest and most inoffensive of
mankind, and yet the sulkiest blackguard
about town encounters not half the diffi
culties which fall to mv lot.”
Such were my musings, as I passed down
Broadway—-such iny reflections, when my
dog—as 1 thought, but alas! it was
another’s —rushed between my legs, and
nearly tripped me up. Although natur
ally, or rather commonly, a good ma
tured man, 1 wgs not at that precise mo-
ment, as the reader may imagine, in my
smoothest mood. The current of my mind
had been agitated by more than one cir-
cumstance that day, and the little dog
rendered me absolutely angry. With an
exclamation of wrath, I gave this mem
ber of the canine race a kick, which sent
him howling to the opposite side of the
street.
“Sare,” said a tall, swarthy, Frenchi
fied, ferocious looking personage/ bowing
until his mustaches brushed my nose,
“you ’av’ by h —lll kick my dog! What
for you 'av’ done dis for, eh ?”
“My dear sir,” exclaimed I, terribly
discomposed, “I beg ten thousand pardons.
I really thought it was my own dog.”
“Ah, you fought it was your dog, eh ?
No, sare, it is my leetle dog dat you ’av’
kick!”
“Sir, lam exceedingly sorry; I mis
took him for my own. dog. I assure you,
I thought it it was my own dog at that
time.” ; -
“By Gar, sare, dat is vat . you call no
exquise plausible: dare is not von resemllons
of de dog—-dis dog vat you kick is ov de
black color —dat is my dog. De oder dog
is von sbuifron, or de yellow color. My
dog ’av’ de tail and ears ver mooch cut
off; de oder dog ’av’ got de ears stook up,
and del taxi ver -mooch long, with one
grand (piirl to him.”
“Excuse me, my dear sir,” said I, “both
dogs look alike to me, for I am short
sighted—iny eyes are impaired.”
The foreigner looked steadily in my
face for a moment; but perceiving noth
ing there but truth, his countenance be
came calm, and comparatively pleasant.
“You ’iiiv,’ den, Monsieur, de vision not
ver’ far, /lx?”
I assented.
“Ah;! den dat is all the apology which
I demandand, with a graceful adieu,
he passed on.
“How fortunate for me,” soliloquized
I, “that tip was a Frenchman! Had he
been one Idf my own countryman, I should
no doubt have figured in the gutter.
On thdi following day, I dined with a
triend at one of the most fashionable ho
tels of the city, and was for a while, as I
thought, extremely lucky, haying as yet
made but one fauX pas, which was mere
ly the drinking of a glass of brandy for as i
much wine—-a mistake, by the way,
which might have occurred to almost any ;
one. A; tremendously stout gentleman —a -
Kentucky Mgjor as I afterwards flfcm-;
e< ] —was seated on my left. This individ
ual had just cleared his plate of a largo |
quantity of roast beef, and was engaged
fINDEPENDENT IN EVEBYTHING.]
gazing ominously at a lobster, his shut
right hand, in the meantime, resting, upon
the table. Unfortunately for myself, at
this particular juncture, I happened to
stand in need of a piece of bread; and
raising my eyes in search of the necessary
article, 1 mistook his clenched fist for a
bit! Taking up ray fork very deliberate
ly, 1 hitched up the sleeve of my boat, and
plunged the sharp steel instrument into
the fleshy part of the man’s hand. With
a noise between a roar and a growl, the
victim jumped upon his feet, knocking
down the gentleman who sat next him,
and upsetting a waiter who was hurrying
along with a large supply of custards. I,
of course, jumped up too, frightened, as
may well be supposed, almost to death,
and attempted to explain matters; but
scarcely had I opened my mouth for the
purpose, when I was floored by a tremen
dous blow from the Wounded limb, direct
ly in my face. No sooner had the aven
ger knocked me down, than he unsheath
ed a huge, glittering Bowie knife, and ad
vanced to annihilate me altogether. —
Words cannot portray! the horror of my
emotions. I had seen the fellow carve a
pig a few moments before, and had myself
admired his dexterity in the proceeding.
The company, however, interfered be
tween the Kentuckian and my destruction-
My friends made known the imperfection
of my vision, and the military man became
satisfied. I was borne to bed, nearly
■ senseless, and have not yet recovered from
the effects of that adventure, although my
physician is one of the most learned and
efficient in, the city. He is an English
man, and when I related to him the oc
currence, he shook his head, saying:
“Terrible chaps, those fellows from
Kentucky : ’orrible beings 1 Wunder he
didn't cut your ’ed off, haltogether !”
Sucli misfortunes as these are constant
ly occurring, and 1 therefore intend to en
list in the army if I may be accepted ; for
as the collector of names justly said, I am
a sound man and can pull a trigger.
Why need I then see who is shot down,
before me ? On the whole I think short
sighted men in the army would perhaps be
better soldiers than those who could see
more, ns they would not have the death
of a fellow-mortal on their consciences.
Strong Argument vs Strong Butter
—‘Why is it my son, that when you drop
your bread aud butter, it is always the but
ter sidedown?’
The strongest side ought to be up, and
this is the strongest butter I have ever
seen.’
•Hush up : it is some of your aunt’s
churning.’
‘Did she chux-n it ? The lazy thing-’
‘What, your aunt ?’
‘No, this here butter. To make the
poor old woman churn it, when it was
stfong enough to churn itself.’
•HusbZeb I’ve eat a great deal worse in
the most aristocratic houses.’
‘Well, people of rank ought to eat it.’
‘Why people of rank?’
‘Cause it’s rank buttjjj/
‘You varmint, you! what makes you
talk so smart?’
‘Cause the butter has token the skin off
my tongue.’
‘Zeb, don’t lie ! I can’t throw away the
butter.’
I’ll tell you what to do with it—keep
it to draw blisters. You ought to see the
flies keel over as' soon as they touch it.’
“Table up thy Bed and Walk!”—.
Recently a man drgssed as a mechanic
went to a house in Brighton, walked up
stairs, took a bed from a bedstead, made
it up into a bundle, and brought jt down
into the passage. At that instant he heard
somebody coming. Thereupon, with ad
mirable coolness, he gave two or three dis-;
tinct raps on the wainscoting, and when,
in due time one of the inmates made her
appearance, he said:
“I’ve brought this, bed:
“Bed,” replied the woman, “what bed ?
You must have made a mistake.”
‘I don’t know. It oughtn’t to, ought it?
“I think not,” said the man; “this is
No. 15, isn’t if?”
Yes, this is 15.” ';
“Then, this is the number master told
me to bring it to.”
“Well,” said the .woman, “it’s wrong,
at any rate —we don’t want it. Take it
away.” .
“Well, if you say Iso I guess I had bet
ter do it!” and with that he took up the
bed and walked off Some time elapsed
before it was discovered how completely the
! bed owners had been “done.”
The Charleston Mercury stales that
a “ Beauregard hat” is all the rage in that
city. At the rate the war is progressing
the same General will furnish a model
for a neck-tie that will yet be extensively
used at the South.
Somebody asked Gen. Cass the Other
day in Detroit: “ General, what may we
do to save the Union V” “Anything.”---;
“ May we abolish Slavery ?” “Abolish
any thing on the surface of the earth tp
save the nation.”
A REBEL EXPLOIT IH YlRsixiA.
The Lexington Gazette gives the follow
ing account of a rebel expedition into
Nicholas county, Virginia:—-On Wednes
day, July 23d, a battalion left campi about
five miles east of Union Monroe, and about
twenty-five miles from Meadow Bluff, the
place where the, force under Genii Cook
was encamped- It was under comuiknd of
Maj- Baily, and the first day grossed
Greenbriar river. About daylight; on the
25 th the command reached Summerville.
The advance guard, composed of an equal
number of men-from each commanft, kept
a few hundred yards in front. ac
count then says :—When the guard ap
proached within thirty yards of ftp Fed
eral pickets, it was halted, and conpjutnded
to advance one at a time. Onepf the
guard replied that it was the Federal ca
valry coming in. The sentinel insisted for
one to advance at a time. The aiavance
guard still approaching, saying it tyas the
Federal cavalry, the sentinel said :• —“By
G—d I say halt, or I will shoot. 1 ’! Just
then our guard put spurs to their j'horses
and were tired on several times : by the
picket. Several balls also passed pVer the
head of the column, when it passed] by the
picket post and through the village. Be
fore we reached Major Bailey
requested the command to raise a shout on
entering the town, and never was a request
better responded to. I never heard such a
noise from the same number of men.
Half a mile of the road on this side of the
town was macadamised, and the poise of
the feet of the horses in the charge, the
shouting of the soldiers, and firing of guns,
was enough to wake up the dead- The
column advanced quite through the place, to
the house where the were quartered.
The house was entered at once by Some of
the Rockbridge cavalry, .and all tip officers
Captured The privates were taken, gener
ally, by the other companies.
When the noise of the cavalry was first
heard at headquarters, the Colonel arose
and went out into, the porch in his night
dress to see what was the matter.; He and
a captain, two lieutenants and Dr. Rucker
were together. The Colonel and Doctor
had little time to reflect. They soon found
themselves in limbo. Some twelve or fif
teen shots were fired at us doing ho injury
—two men shot through their clothing,
but not a man huft. From our side there
were perhaps twenty shots. Three men
were killed that I know of, one mortally
wounded. Some of the prisoners that we
took said that there were ten or twelve
killed. Six or eight men in the hqspitah
were paroled, and the rest, amounting in all
to seventy-three, were brought to ftie Salt
Sulphur Springs. The general
ly were pleasant and agreeable. We treat
ed‘them kindly, and they seemed to be
grateful for it. „ Among the prisoners there
was a lieutenant, and seventy privates. —
The stores destroyed amounted tp or
fifteen thousand dollars, and property cap
tured to probably as much.
Gen. Cass at a War Meeting. —The
most enthusiastic meeting ever held in
Southern Michigan took place at Hillsdale
on the 13th instant. Over twelve thousand
persons were present, and the utmost ex
citement prevailed. Gen. Cass made the
first speech. Excusing himself on ac
count of his age, he proceeded to remark:
“But if the time has diminished my power
to be useful to my country, it has left undi
minished the deep interest I feel in her des
tiny, and my love and reverence for our
constitution, which we owe to the kind
mess of Providence, and to the Wisdom of
our fathers. That constitution which
has ruled us so long and happillym now as
sailed by an armed rebellion, as causeless in
its origin as it is wicked in its objects; and
its integrity rests upon the energy and
patriotism .of the people, and/upon the
zealous and efficient support of thfe Govern
ment in its efforts to bring this pontest to
a speedy and successful issue. We have
the power to do this, and, with the deter
mination to exert, the work will soon be
done. Our right to establish opr govern
ment was asserted and maintained in the
days of our weakness; we must hot shrink
from tho duty of defending it in tne days
of our strength.”
fy A fine looking coal-black i negro dame
into outlines on the Botomac ast week,
and reported himself for work, ;
“ Culpeper Court House, sab.”
“What’s the news down there!?”
“Nothin,* massa, ’ceptdar’s amau down
dar lost a mighty good and vatarable nig
ger this morning,’ and I reckon Jiip dun lose
some more ’fore night I | j
<3* A farmer received a very polite note
from a neighbor, requesting the; Joan of an
ass for a few days. Being unajie to deci
pher his friend’s hieroglyphics wish
ing to conceal his ignorance fiwfa the ser
vant, the farmer hastily returned for an
answer, very well; tell your master I will
wait on him myself presently.
| far An honest Hibernian, reading
his physician’s bill, replied thal he had no
objection to pay him for , his molidne, bat
bis visits he would return.
EDITORS AND PROPRIETORS:
ATTEND SCHOOL PUNCTUALLY.
From an by a teacher
to parents and scholars wecopythe follow
ing summing up of the results of “unne
cessary absence” from school, with the
hope that they will be read with profit by
both parents and scholars into whose hands
our paper may fall:
1. If a boy leans to feel that he may
leave his duties as a scholar for trivial
causes, for causes equally trivial he will
forsake his business when a man.
2. The time of the teacher and the
whole school is wasted, while this absence
is being recorded.
3. 'Die teacher’s time is wasted, in
reading and recording the delinquent’s ex
cuse, when he returns to the school.
4. He interrupts the exercises of the
teacher, or some part of the school, in
finding the places at which his various
lessons commence.
5. He has lost the lesson recited yes
terday, and does not understand that por
tion of to-day’s lesson which depends upon
that of yesterday; and such dependence
usually exists.
6. The teacher’s time and patience are
taxed in repeating to him the instructions
of yesterday; which, however, for want of
study, he does not clearly appreciate. >
7. The rest of the class are deprived of
the instruction of their teacher, while he
is teaching the delinquent.
' 8. The progress of the rest of the class
is checked, and their ambition curbed, by
waiting for the tardy delinquent.
9. The pride of the dam is wounded,
and their interest in their studies abated,
by the conduct of the absentee.
10. The reputations both of teacher
and school suffer, upon days of public ex
amination, by failures, which are charge
able to the absence, and not to the instruc
tion.
11. The means generally provided for
the education of the delinquent are wrong
fully wasted.
12. He sets a pernicious example for
the rest of the school, and usually does
some actual mischief while absent.
A H abl> Sum. —“ Are you good at arith
metic? I will give you some looses to add up,
and calculate how much they come to.
It is a good sum for the boys. They are
losses made by strong drink.
Loss of money.
Loss of time. '
Loss of business.
Loss of character.
Loss of friends.
Loss of good conscience.
Loss of feeling.
Loss of mind.
Loss of life.
Loss of the immortal souL
“ It ie a long and terrible account to ran
up; bn t it is an easy one to begin,'andl
seen even boys beginning at the beer shops,
—sometimes even adding to it at the tav
ern and improper games. Little sisters ask
sweetly, “stop! stop!” and bid them reck
on up the losses before they go farther.
Ask, “Can you afford such losses in time
or eternity?”
Eight More Iron Cl ah Monitors
—The New York Post learns that noikss
than eight iron clad ships, most of them
Monitors, are now in hand in that city and ;
vicinity alone. Two ofthese are very large
vessels, and will not be ready for some time;
but one of the new Monitors will be ready ,
in a few days; one is promised by, the first '
of September, and and another in Captain I
Ericssen’s hands, is to be ready in thirty :
days. On all these ships the work is going I
on night and day alike., On one four hun- .
dred men are constantly employed, one set
of four hundred working by day and anoth
er all night The work is pressed on fist
as possible; and doubtless the Ordnance De
partment will have the armaments ready
to put on board the moment the ships are
completed. With such a fleet of Monitors,
all staunch and sea-going vessels, we shall
make short work with the enemy on the
codst. ,
tar “If I should be drafted into theser
vice, what would you dol” asked a gen* :
tleman of his loving spouse, lately.—
a substitute for you, I suppoee,” die
retorted. Whereupon, the topic of con- i
venation was changed instanter.
•aT An Irishman, who lives with, a veg
etarian, writes to a friend that if he wants
to know what illigant living is, he must
come to his house, where thebreak&st con
sists of nothing, and the sprier of what
wasleft at the breakfast.
“My dear doctor,” said a lady, “I i
suffer a great deal with my eyes.”. Be
patient, madam,” he replied,“you would
probably suffer a great deal more without
them.
We stand too much in dread of mia
construction, and spend, half oar days in
making apologies and explanations, instead
of quietly taking an appeal from the haur
of die year.
49*X , n s R® 8 I 8 9 ponm
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NO. 31.