f. ,iL i :I*K §&■ J3iixdei»y ic BOOK MAinjßAC^ai Y M*rkt< & . yarrabuTffJpn jlsimu nt is cUre% (JcvoK'.i, JBuolcm ftjf __ y " gae^issgaafe Bun' 1 lain. ruled ana bpood to order rjf, 1 ’'' tin; best linen paper. ll '.' I oUMih>, ikairtaf to have _ , deiitte prices, should give twaoali (»e*t sile», Harper's;,WeekgT^i^.' pi, .Scientific dpierlctui, Ikwdota *22 ' »ltn any style Xir^sSgS^ ieterbockfi, Jllockwood’sa&OrahST 1 f*W* ’Japo Music, kc. bound In e*tr»it»l.. , pijiaUt«ntial half binding. .SaJeJJJu ' r pxiiivi, Pamphlet la»t. boobjCSemii f 1 ’ rr.t moderate prices. Person,ltkTin, leaito bind, will toceiee »llb*t«ld|»coui,T Je be sent to us from adlatane* 1,, pork euwiMted ,i*lT fefy packed and ' pei. AiMrt*,, K. L, fiUjTgtl & HERN, at the TrUmnt Ot&e. » r , ~ uuiaud vicinity. They «||| gire lnfon,, : .> Minding. anti receivenni returnbook. haHrw, for Jill who eirt.tMtHMr Vnik t I IMarch2l.iBdl.lv i KJ. a O c ,c , . « \ as c ’.s axst-l- ■ ■—'' »S i,CS'2 ■„• . S «| e $ q‘s -S « i«f s'l si ! a**! l»i:SS^ ■ « as: «, ir § s :sr : |& i Psfgfs * «33|«£ j-i CO <3O-2 i. i! u: sfc [si « £■< &S . e S |» « ! 3>s|ss-B§- 2«-|a ; a| OO* Ss . sif ' r^- > & © m RY AND BAKERY! o>ersh:nki) announ. .citizens of Altoona ami vicinity that hi* If a‘large invoice? or . ■;• NUTS** KPICES 4klren Ac„ expressly for the Holiday*, jpalway* on hand a good Stock of JiUiii •rf Ms own manufacture. ' •jPRrNES, R A ISIN§, &0. it.u.ll l of liiH year. 4 Sugar. Molasses, Boiler. >/> WHITE WHEATFLom. iUt FLOUR. CORN MEAL. AC.. t H tor in large oramaU rjoantitie*. 4n«l my sf«»ek‘ and yon will ftn*t ijapu* ffny in lywn. JACOB WIRE, .jIAT HSTLON WHICH the mind of-every M get the Vg*»t article ii>-l to otiier matter*. the snlvwHv to direct^ Imt If ' nUluvlmti <>i >rs ;OK-.SIiOKS ' BM*xtun;nK.tUm <>t hi- stock amt work. ihtl.v on at; a.-Mariuu-at ofßooU.Bli>'i. . which hi- offers at fair price?. j*|*ecfaU attention to custom worit-'ah > writufeed *Hti*taciion. Nouefyaf il> r.. #1 4hoj» is on ►treet, iinni«UiU**t &-»n' ■ JOHN H. ROBERT* Hettinger’s ai XwS. J%eucy. ,1, No. 7, .MAIN STREET KOOKS. BLANK BOOKS, i|:y. CONFECTIONARIES &S, & TOBACCO, 50TI0XS IN GHKATVARnSTY pSTAJiTIjT ON HASIU IE POLICE GAZETTE.— ; Journal of Crime and Criminal* 1* in anti lit widely circulatedthtooghoui contain! all the OreetTriale, CfhtflMl riaie Editorials on the *ome,tegeU>«r wi'l l tpnloal Hatter*. not teWwuw Ihen.v als $2 per annum; $1 for flix month* io lucribera. {who should writo theh luHiit-i irtty and State wheri they reeldepUinh, To Q. yr. MATBKLI, t CO - of New York Police.Gaaette f ,V«n ToriOtn FEGTIONERY ASTER SAIO.OS, jscrißer would in cizena of Altoona and' fioinUf ti*»T M Ktnr and FKUir BSCKB,& MW* hest articles «o be had, ano la fiwi 4»o an ' ; . TEH SALOON In which he will serve up O.YBTKKS lljeeeaeon, 4 BREAD <£■ DIES ab&ty* ?*.****' to snpplj cak«**eandh»**‘;- parties.' He Invites a: $ that he can Ji>re and saloon Is o»TlfS^settee^t wo M» Halt; OTQ BO^* itmi-u ■ r^.': :iKSSJ.EH—PRAGWCAJ. ST, r<»p«rt(hlly ijtodna apd the pdSffe tjontinnai W to bnaneM, and a d«df? price i (thare of pubUcpateonatf*. ~ f irohaate jmppUed on '. AdfetaaMprompHy («««» rtptioM catefaßy'eoßywttded. V~^ !$ • B ASIS.-r$MpW J“ r , jtO*tto maonbetar* th* PfffiSi to ♦r totfce old «rto, <m rtwr I**:* k«r SUcolur. ft I** conne tbtr* 1» ml J”VT. ic< often bect«n« ttlmwtlofe f teeth will jtlmw i Office in UiuKH^lrwjbv*^^; fl) LARD 011*8- de tdnid. Cerbon > AT MoCORMICKi^ i; aMurtoieiit of JBS.——A LABefc^f*' AT, TOOTH, ©ift#®* 0 :*«*iT?™if»* Jw^* T ' r Ji.jnrfr ItSOBtBIN?* iUw iis, cm Tul BS ASI) Bt & DtHS, \'l)U 1 „, tm „ .payable invariably in advance,)..'.... SWO. h-continm'd lit the expiratioiiot the time : .CBM- ..r ADVSKTIBISO. 1 insertion - do. do. 1( .„ 0 $25 S *. $ 00 •*' " , \ li'uui) SO lb luu : - I"''' , T .. 100 160 .‘2.00 .. , 160 12 00 2SO w«k.and lew tlinu three months, 25 cents .. for esch insertion montliß. 0 month". Ifffli. c 1 60 $ 3 00 si6 00 ' 250 400 jT 00 4 00 0 00 10 00 5 oo S 00 12 00 0 OH 10 oo 14.00 .10 00 14 00 SO 00 :|.!I column u w 25 00 40 00 , tsft'iffi car;i s ;-;;;,t v excodiu e * ; 5 oo .in'u'tJiri-'l. will be continued till forbid and charged " h " i: 7 ice*five cents per line for every ioscrUpn. .lues or If-HH BALTIMORE LOCK HOSPITAL -TtllhlSilHD AS A KBFUUE KROSI QUACKEUV "The Only Place Where a Cure Can be Obtained. ( \K, JOHNSON bus discovered ■the ! / „„.l Certain. Speedy and Effectual Remeuy in « .’rid far all Private Diseases. Weakness of the l.acl. 1 V sirietuivs, Affections of tile Kidneys mid Clad iaieliiatai'V Mscharpes.lmpotency, General Deßllity. ■ V, atsaess. Jlvspepsy, l-amrie.r. Low Spirits. Confgwou ' |1„ ,r Palpitation of the Heart. Timidity, Tri.-mlilings. ; , „, J si-'ht or Giddiness. Disease ol the lleail. '\-osa o" Skin. Affections of the Liver, lungs, fetom ' ‘ r' uaaels—tiiuse Terrible disorders arising Irons the llahits of Youth-i-tlwse SOCKET and solitary prac . fatal to theil victims than the sunt; ol syrens to ■a oi-i-rs of Ulysses; blighting their most brilliant „ latieipaticins, rjmderitig marriage ..tea impossi YOUNG men i 11 v wh" have lifetime tli" victims of Solitary jV ice. 'll'liliiil ami .lesliictive lial.it which annually sweeps to uutiiin’tv irtave thousaii.ls of \ otinjr Men of the most ,11-1 Mleiilian.l brilliant intellect, who might other • hive entranced listening Senates with the tlmtnlers or wakeil to ertasy the living lyre, may call , mil MARRIAGE. , lj; or Tomis Men iMitemplatnur manria^‘. ,i;-Uvarc of physical we:iknn«, organic debility. ,ai\, if. v cured. , ’!.• w[i• ► lump'll under tli • catv of In - ..). iunj ic ; , Miii.l'* iu li:s a- n gentleman. urns cm.i uiiou.Jiis skill as a j.hysu’ian. , ORGANIC WEAKNESS ii t (.-iv Cured. and full icer Restored, rii- ni'tt.-ss'm ■* Alf-rrion—'vliicli renders Lilt* miserable .•.V m-irrUsT is Ho- Penalty pai.l l‘.v tin ,, -i navi'p.'r in..iiiiai.‘,''-‘.s. \ uiuir air to ■■ ,|. ri iii rSi-.'.-c- front »■.« 1.-'inß awaio of,tin’ .in-’.iu u'-n.'.-s tlmt limy ' ri-.il-. Now. will! that iin.lcr ■! . U tii" -ul.K'.'l will 1" il.-liy th:it 11,0 ].-.tv-r ot i, 1„-1 ..,.11, rl/v 100-i ; railing: into iliil« - 'ij..-r ,‘., : -’lll,n. l.v 111- Mi Til -nt • b.-iiiß .Idpi ivtni tlio .• „n'„;;iUhv 111., most scnolls aart oni,-:iv.‘ symptom'. m t.-.lli !‘.’.iy anil min. 1 uris* 1 T!|.‘ . ..t.'iu 1......,ui..s L'.-vlii- Phy.-maU an.l M.-ntal Funr-. . W.-aUmi.-.1. 1,..-- A i'i , ■ itiv.. Pnuor. y.Tvons Irri •O.ilitv, llv.n,.|.si;. I'.lpil.t; . .ft),.. 111-art. 1 mlia'ist am ■ ■ .ailitiilioii'il Hr!.,l.;.'.»V...tiiiß of tbo Kri.tiic. l.iai?!,. i' .ii'Uiiiptioli. l)'--' t> end I> : 1- OFFICE, NO. 7 SOUTH FREDERICK STREET, 1,.-:- ha:it| >Uc -..dug IV-'in I‘. il' in;on* street. n fi-w < (.o..r> ,i ili-- Kail rf‘*t s .Vh~vrve nuuh and numb. r i.-r:--;-' miiat Jje jmu! and ■ •imtain :i stamp. *1 he Doe ,1 - D.jiluiU'is hang jo hi* oniee A CURE WARRANTED IN TWO DAYS- V<» Mercury ->r yu\*fOHs Drugs. OR. JOHNSON, , w . M.-aiher of-the Koval College of surgeons, Loudon, (jkui inii- fn>m din- of the most eminent College? in the United M.'t-'. ami the greater part of whose life 11 as been spent m h-.M.itaU of London. Paris, Philadelphia am! olse •vli i -. has effected some of the most astonishing cures :ii;it were ever known; many troubled with ringing in the !i,-a 1 and ears when asleep, great nervousness, being iUriiK-l at sudden sounds, hasfafulness, with frequent i.inching. attended, sometimes with derangement *»f mind, ucured immediately. _ TAKE PARTICULAR NOTICE. I. addresses all those who have injured thbmseivcs m improper indulgence and solitary habits, which ruin •rri body and mind, unfitting them for either business. mu ly. society or manjiage. • TiisSE are’some of ihe sad anil melancholy effects pro i i -d by early habit* of vouth, via; Weakness of the Cu-k and Limbs, tains in the Head. Dimness of Sight. .*s of Muscular -Power. Palpitation of the UcarL Dys* S'or vans Irritability..Dersyigetneut of the Digos • {■’unctions. General Debility, Symjptoms of Coiisump* MLXTALLt.—The fearful effects of the mind ur*> much U. ... .u-eaded—L'«w of Memory, Confusion of Idea*. Dc i •••imi of spirits. Kvil-Forehodings, Aversion to society. * I'. Distrust, Love of Solitude, Timidity, Ac., are sumo of -vlls produced. . . . , . Tii >is\VD3 of persons of all ages can now judge what h :hc cause of their declining health, hying their vigor, be ■-Huing weak, pale, nervous and emaciated, having a mu uu’ar appearance about the eyes, cough and symptoms, ot < -usinupfiou YOUNG WEN: . \v\, .» have injured themselves by a certain practice m* a in when alone, a habit frequently learned from • vil companions, or at school, the effect*” of which are nightly Mt, even when asleep, and if not cured tender* mu riate imposiblc, and destroys both and body. •li'Hilil apply immediately,/ : What u pity that a young man, the hope of hi* opuntry. •l:\rliutr of his parents, should ho snatfchod from all Tir.*«sftJ*cts and enjoyments of life, by; the consequence of 1 -viating from the path of nature, and Indulging tu a < rtaSn secret habit. Such persons MCST, before contem plating MARRIAGE, . iv/lfct that a oujnd mind and body ar4 the most noress.irj !■ to promote connubial happiness. Indeed. with" ■ »nt these. the journey through life becomes u weary pil* :.;ritnage: the prospect hourly darkens to the view; the mind becomes shadowed with despair jand filled with the that the happiness ot another be •’•»ines blighted with our own. DISEASE OF IMPRUDENCE. , When the misguided and imprudent votary of pleasure liuds that he has imbibed the seeds jof this painful d»s -• A>f. h too often happens that an Ul-tikued sense ofshame, •*r *irt-ad of discovery, deters him froth applying to Chose "d-ifr-»m education and respectability, cun alone be fri‘-u*l him. delaying till the constitutional symptoms of thi< horrid disease make their nppeariijce, such as ulcera ■" I v»ro throat, diseased nose, nocturnal pain sin the head md limbs, dimness of sight, deafness* nodes on the snip '•mitu ami tirmSt blotches on the head, face and extrctnl progressing with frightful rapidity, til! I'niiit** *jf the mouth or the bones of.the nose fall In, and victim of this awful disease becomes a horridobject.of ■ *!i'riiim»ratiou, till death puts a period to his dreadful •uttering-', by sending him t'» “that Undiscovered Country hom whence no traveller returns.” 1 . . it Ha jndanrJuily fact that thousands fall victims to i ut-i t-vrible disease, owing to the uijskiUfulness of igno rmt pretenders, who, by the use of that JJeadly ■ Ftftton* ruin the constitution and make the residue of ' if- miserable. P dr** the altoona tribune, AXU RROI-BIETORS STRANGERS; . ; i ru-r n<«t v.nir lives, ar health to the can* of the man> l -nKirtii*.l«w.l Worthless !‘reloni?eri, destitute of koowl l-''. iiaau 6r character, wh> copy Pr. Johnston 8 ailver fK,, iii“iits.ftp style them selves, in the newspaper*, fcgn lirly KUucated Physicians. incapablek‘f Curing, they.kcep > >1 trilling month after month, hiking tbclrfllfhy and l>'isinotH compounds, or as long asjthe smallest fet can v and in despair. le.ive yoi with rnlnpd health • • Mgh n ver your galling disappointnieiit. . hr .folnHton’is the only Physician hdvertiwing. ’ * His -'v<-ii.*ntlal or diplomas always hang In hfs office, Hi'r.*m*jrliea or treatment an* unknown to all others, 5-r ;vin-.i fr .mi a Hf" sp.-nt in the great hospitals pfEbrojw'. ,;i " rir*t in the country an! a more extensive Private jZVuo than any other Physician In the world. , .... INDORSEMENT OF THE PRESS, i Her many tiidusands cuted at this institution, yearafter . Vt, ar. and the numerous important- Surgical tfpcTiitiona by Johnston, witnessed hji the reporters pf the ‘ Clipper*" and many otliir papers, notices of '■ v -iWi have appeared again ‘an«J again before the public, '■(M-Ws his standing ass a g-mtlemotv of character and re ''nsibllity, is a sufficient gunraafee.tothe ahlicted. SKIN DISEASES SPEEDILY CURED. ; letters received unless tnd containing a *iamp tji.be used on tin* reply Persons wntiugaliouW state age andscad jiortion of «.l vcrtUement describing symptom* i J. erilo ? s ts^'Ml hl be particular In directing: their Nora to this Institution, in the following manners M ‘ JOHNSTON. WK 0»» Uitlie Baltimore Lock Hospital, Mnrylfc iftote |£««tsg. 11. C. DBUS LAUGH AND CROW FAT. There’s nothing here oil earth deserves Half of the thought we waste about it. And thinkingbntdestroys the nerves,, When we could doso well without it; If.folks would lot the world go round, And pay their tithfes. and eat their dinners, Such doleful looks would not bc'fouud. To frighten us poor lauglung sinners. Never sigh when you am sing, But laugh, like iue r at everything. : One fdaguep himsclf about the sun. And puzzles ou through every weather, What time heULriac—how long he 1 !! inn— And when heTl leavens altogether; Now matters it a pebble stone. Whether ho shines at six or seven? If they don't the sun alone, . At last they’ll plague him out of Heaven ! Never sigh when you can sing, But laugh, like mo, at eveiything! Auotlicr spins from out his brains, Fine cobwebs, to amuse his neighbors. And gets, for all his toils and pains, Ueviewed, and laughed at for his labors Fame is./uV star! and fume is sweet; And praise is pleasanter than honey— I w rite at just so much a sheet. And Messrs. Longman pay the money! Never sigh when you cun sing. But laugh, like mo. at everything! My brother gave Ins heart away To MercandoGi, when ho met her, married Mr. Ball, one day— He's gone,to Sweden to forgot her! 1 had a charmer, loo—ami sighed. And raved all day and night about her She caught a cold, poor thing! and died, Ami I—am just as fat without her! Mover High when you can mug. But laugh, like me, at everything! For tears are Viiitly pretty thing*, But makfc one very thin ami taper: Ami sighs are music's sweetest- strings. But sound most beautiful —on paper! “Thought*’ is the Sage’s brightest star. Her gems alone are worth his-finding But as I’m not particular. Please God ! I'll keep on “ never minding. Never sigh when you causing. But laugh, like me, at everything OU I in this troubled *fc*rld of ours, A laughter-mine's a glorious treasure; And separating thorns from lloweis. Is half a pain and half a pleasure: And why be grave instead of gayi Why feel a thirst when f-dks are nualhng Uh! trust me, whatsoer they .-ay. re's nothing half so go.nl as laughing Never sigh when you can sing. But laugh, like me, at everything! Mdui WHY I AM GOING TO ENLIST, The other day a business looking per sonage called at my uncle’s house in Mad ison avenue and politely requested the names and ages ot" the male members ol the family. I was just going out and heard Biddy, the chambermaid, telling him that the elder Mr. Jones was 52, “and this gentleman,” said she, “is all we have in the family besides him.” “For what purpose are you procuring the names 1” 1 inquired. “To ascertain who are liable to do mil itary duty,” was the reply. “We must take down tire names of every man be tween the ages of 18 and 45, and I pre sume, from your appearance you do not call yourself forty-five ?” “No, sir,” 1 replied, “but yet it will be useless to take my name, as 1 can convince you' in five minutes if you will walk in.” ‘T best your pardon, sir, I have no tune, i Give me your name, if you please, and then if you have. an excuse to offer you can present it at the proper time and place.” “Feter Jones is my name, and 1 shall be 30 years old next birth-day. But I assure you, my friend, your labor will be wasted, for should I take a musket in my hands at arm’s length I could not see far enough to discern the bayonet.” “That is of no consequence,” said the follow, tantalizingly. “All we require is a sound man who can pull a trigger. 1 have no doubt you would make an excel lent soldier.” As he said this he coolly recorded ■ my name, age and address in a little book book bound in blue morocco. “The fellow is right I mentally ex- claimed, and I believe I will go and en list in tlie array. Doing this, I may gain some distinction; but in society my case is hopeless. The fact is, kind reader, I am hopeless ly short-sighted, and have been so from babyhood. My life has been but a series of blunders in consequence, and if 1 could but be assured that I should make none in serving my country, I would be cheer fully content to endure the hardships of a soldier’s life. ■ My misfortunes commenced with my life—yea, from ray veriest infancy—and have continued up to this day. My moth er has often told me, that When a baby, I would make a dozen ineffectual attempts to gain her breast, and my first essays in the art of walking, have been memorialized by h multiplicity of scars, occasioned by violent contact with chairs, tables, and other articles of domestic usefulness. As a boy, I was still more deserving of (com miseration. In fact, my misfortunes seem ed to. accumulate .with my growth. The delicacies of the dinner table were invari able appropriated by mV brothers and sis- ALTOONA, PA., THURSDAY, SEPTEMBERS, 1862. ters, before I could be made conscious of presence ; and if I failed to examine closely everj'i particle upon the prongs of my fork, or in the concave of my spoon, I might inadvertently swallow a red pepper for a sausage, or masticate a. quantity of horse-radish for as much sugar or Sago cheese. These petty annoyances- were as nothing compared to the mortifications which riperyjears imposed upon me. If I made a friend, I was sure to lose him within a fortnight by my apparently cold neglect; and; as for any acquaintance among the lollies, that seemed to be en tirely out of: the question, as the female sex are even more sensitive than ours to any coolness or inattention. I resolved to turn over a new leaf. As all my friends, both male and female, had felt themselves slighted by my distant reserve, 1 resolved that that should be the case no longer, for I would bow or speak to every man I met, and would make myself agreeable to every lady ig - some way that should not offend. 1 put my resolution at once in practice, and for a while things went swimmingly on : but at length the same result was the consequence. “What have 1 done now ?” asked lof a friend, “why am I again thrust without the pale of society ?” “The reason is, simply,’’ said he, gaz ing about to see that no one observed him O > speaking to so proscribed a being as I, “that people are not willing to meet, on terms of sociability and equality, a man who claims the acquaintance of every loaf er, male aud female, he may chance to meet. At church, last Sunday, you offer ed your arm to Mrs. Brown’s pretty cham bermaid : and you were yesterday observ ed by Dick Davis in the act of making a profound bow to three of the most notori ous courtezous in town. Dick swears he will tell his sister to cut your acquaint- ance.” “Good God!” exclaimed I, “is it possi ble V aud 1 went off in the greatest des pair. for Miss Davis was the only girl who had seemed to realize my infirmity, and had, in fact, forgiven some very mark ed slights which lin ignorance had made when meeting her. Why thought I, am 1 coupled with such a destiny ? lam one of the gentlest and most inoffensive of mankind, and yet the sulkiest blackguard about town encounters not half the diffi culties which fall to mv lot.” Such were my musings, as I passed down Broadway—-such iny reflections, when my dog—as 1 thought, but alas! it was another’s —rushed between my legs, and nearly tripped me up. Although natur ally, or rather commonly, a good ma tured man, 1 wgs not at that precise mo- ment, as the reader may imagine, in my smoothest mood. The current of my mind had been agitated by more than one cir- cumstance that day, and the little dog rendered me absolutely angry. With an exclamation of wrath, I gave this mem ber of the canine race a kick, which sent him howling to the opposite side of the street. “Sare,” said a tall, swarthy, Frenchi fied, ferocious looking personage/ bowing until his mustaches brushed my nose, “you ’av’ by h —lll kick my dog! What for you 'av’ done dis for, eh ?” “My dear sir,” exclaimed I, terribly discomposed, “I beg ten thousand pardons. I really thought it was my own dog.” “Ah, you fought it was your dog, eh ? No, sare, it is my leetle dog dat you ’av’ kick!” “Sir, lam exceedingly sorry; I mis took him for my own. dog. I assure you, I thought it it was my own dog at that time.” ; - “By Gar, sare, dat is vat . you call no exquise plausible: dare is not von resemllons of de dog—-dis dog vat you kick is ov de black color —dat is my dog. De oder dog is von sbuifron, or de yellow color. My dog ’av’ de tail and ears ver mooch cut off; de oder dog ’av’ got de ears stook up, and del taxi ver -mooch long, with one grand (piirl to him.” “Excuse me, my dear sir,” said I, “both dogs look alike to me, for I am short sighted—iny eyes are impaired.” The foreigner looked steadily in my face for a moment; but perceiving noth ing there but truth, his countenance be came calm, and comparatively pleasant. “You ’iiiv,’ den, Monsieur, de vision not ver’ far, /lx?” I assented. “Ah;! den dat is all the apology which I demandand, with a graceful adieu, he passed on. “How fortunate for me,” soliloquized I, “that tip was a Frenchman! Had he been one Idf my own countryman, I should no doubt have figured in the gutter. On thdi following day, I dined with a triend at one of the most fashionable ho tels of the city, and was for a while, as I thought, extremely lucky, haying as yet made but one fauX pas, which was mere ly the drinking of a glass of brandy for as i much wine—-a mistake, by the way, which might have occurred to almost any ; one. A; tremendously stout gentleman —a - Kentucky Mgjor as I afterwards flfcm-; e< ] —was seated on my left. This individ ual had just cleared his plate of a largo | quantity of roast beef, and was engaged fINDEPENDENT IN EVEBYTHING.] gazing ominously at a lobster, his shut right hand, in the meantime, resting, upon the table. Unfortunately for myself, at this particular juncture, I happened to stand in need of a piece of bread; and raising my eyes in search of the necessary article, 1 mistook his clenched fist for a bit! Taking up ray fork very deliberate ly, 1 hitched up the sleeve of my boat, and plunged the sharp steel instrument into the fleshy part of the man’s hand. With a noise between a roar and a growl, the victim jumped upon his feet, knocking down the gentleman who sat next him, and upsetting a waiter who was hurrying along with a large supply of custards. I, of course, jumped up too, frightened, as may well be supposed, almost to death, and attempted to explain matters; but scarcely had I opened my mouth for the purpose, when I was floored by a tremen dous blow from the Wounded limb, direct ly in my face. No sooner had the aven ger knocked me down, than he unsheath ed a huge, glittering Bowie knife, and ad vanced to annihilate me altogether. — Words cannot portray! the horror of my emotions. I had seen the fellow carve a pig a few moments before, and had myself admired his dexterity in the proceeding. The company, however, interfered be tween the Kentuckian and my destruction- My friends made known the imperfection of my vision, and the military man became satisfied. I was borne to bed, nearly ■ senseless, and have not yet recovered from the effects of that adventure, although my physician is one of the most learned and efficient in, the city. He is an English man, and when I related to him the oc currence, he shook his head, saying: “Terrible chaps, those fellows from Kentucky : ’orrible beings 1 Wunder he didn't cut your ’ed off, haltogether !” Sucli misfortunes as these are constant ly occurring, and 1 therefore intend to en list in the army if I may be accepted ; for as the collector of names justly said, I am a sound man and can pull a trigger. Why need I then see who is shot down, before me ? On the whole I think short sighted men in the army would perhaps be better soldiers than those who could see more, ns they would not have the death of a fellow-mortal on their consciences. Strong Argument vs Strong Butter —‘Why is it my son, that when you drop your bread aud butter, it is always the but ter sidedown?’ The strongest side ought to be up, and this is the strongest butter I have ever seen.’ •Hush up : it is some of your aunt’s churning.’ ‘Did she chux-n it ? The lazy thing-’ ‘What, your aunt ?’ ‘No, this here butter. To make the poor old woman churn it, when it was stfong enough to churn itself.’ •HusbZeb I’ve eat a great deal worse in the most aristocratic houses.’ ‘Well, people of rank ought to eat it.’ ‘Why people of rank?’ ‘Cause it’s rank buttjjj/ ‘You varmint, you! what makes you talk so smart?’ ‘Cause the butter has token the skin off my tongue.’ ‘Zeb, don’t lie ! I can’t throw away the butter.’ I’ll tell you what to do with it—keep it to draw blisters. You ought to see the flies keel over as' soon as they touch it.’ “Table up thy Bed and Walk!”—. Recently a man drgssed as a mechanic went to a house in Brighton, walked up stairs, took a bed from a bedstead, made it up into a bundle, and brought jt down into the passage. At that instant he heard somebody coming. Thereupon, with ad mirable coolness, he gave two or three dis-; tinct raps on the wainscoting, and when, in due time one of the inmates made her appearance, he said: “I’ve brought this, bed: “Bed,” replied the woman, “what bed ? You must have made a mistake.” ‘I don’t know. It oughtn’t to, ought it? “I think not,” said the man; “this is No. 15, isn’t if?” Yes, this is 15.” '; “Then, this is the number master told me to bring it to.” “Well,” said the .woman, “it’s wrong, at any rate —we don’t want it. Take it away.” . “Well, if you say Iso I guess I had bet ter do it!” and with that he took up the bed and walked off Some time elapsed before it was discovered how completely the ! bed owners had been “done.” The Charleston Mercury stales that a “ Beauregard hat” is all the rage in that city. At the rate the war is progressing the same General will furnish a model for a neck-tie that will yet be extensively used at the South. Somebody asked Gen. Cass the Other day in Detroit: “ General, what may we do to save the Union V” “Anything.”---; “ May we abolish Slavery ?” “Abolish any thing on the surface of the earth tp save the nation.” A REBEL EXPLOIT IH YlRsixiA. The Lexington Gazette gives the follow ing account of a rebel expedition into Nicholas county, Virginia:—-On Wednes day, July 23d, a battalion left campi about five miles east of Union Monroe, and about twenty-five miles from Meadow Bluff, the place where the, force under Genii Cook was encamped- It was under comuiknd of Maj- Baily, and the first day grossed Greenbriar river. About daylight; on the 25 th the command reached Summerville. The advance guard, composed of an equal number of men-from each commanft, kept a few hundred yards in front. ac count then says :—When the guard ap proached within thirty yards of ftp Fed eral pickets, it was halted, and conpjutnded to advance one at a time. Onepf the guard replied that it was the Federal ca valry coming in. The sentinel insisted for one to advance at a time. The aiavance guard still approaching, saying it tyas the Federal cavalry, the sentinel said :• —“By G—d I say halt, or I will shoot. 1 ’! Just then our guard put spurs to their j'horses and were tired on several times : by the picket. Several balls also passed pVer the head of the column, when it passed] by the picket post and through the village. Be fore we reached Major Bailey requested the command to raise a shout on entering the town, and never was a request better responded to. I never heard such a noise from the same number of men. Half a mile of the road on this side of the town was macadamised, and the poise of the feet of the horses in the charge, the shouting of the soldiers, and firing of guns, was enough to wake up the dead- The column advanced quite through the place, to the house where the were quartered. The house was entered at once by Some of the Rockbridge cavalry, .and all tip officers Captured The privates were taken, gener ally, by the other companies. When the noise of the cavalry was first heard at headquarters, the Colonel arose and went out into, the porch in his night dress to see what was the matter.; He and a captain, two lieutenants and Dr. Rucker were together. The Colonel and Doctor had little time to reflect. They soon found themselves in limbo. Some twelve or fif teen shots were fired at us doing ho injury —two men shot through their clothing, but not a man huft. From our side there were perhaps twenty shots. Three men were killed that I know of, one mortally wounded. Some of the prisoners that we took said that there were ten or twelve killed. Six or eight men in the hqspitah were paroled, and the rest, amounting in all to seventy-three, were brought to ftie Salt Sulphur Springs. The general ly were pleasant and agreeable. We treat ed‘them kindly, and they seemed to be grateful for it. „ Among the prisoners there was a lieutenant, and seventy privates. — The stores destroyed amounted tp or fifteen thousand dollars, and property cap tured to probably as much. Gen. Cass at a War Meeting. —The most enthusiastic meeting ever held in Southern Michigan took place at Hillsdale on the 13th instant. Over twelve thousand persons were present, and the utmost ex citement prevailed. Gen. Cass made the first speech. Excusing himself on ac count of his age, he proceeded to remark: “But if the time has diminished my power to be useful to my country, it has left undi minished the deep interest I feel in her des tiny, and my love and reverence for our constitution, which we owe to the kind mess of Providence, and to the Wisdom of our fathers. That constitution which has ruled us so long and happillym now as sailed by an armed rebellion, as causeless in its origin as it is wicked in its objects; and its integrity rests upon the energy and patriotism .of the people, and/upon the zealous and efficient support of thfe Govern ment in its efforts to bring this pontest to a speedy and successful issue. We have the power to do this, and, with the deter mination to exert, the work will soon be done. Our right to establish opr govern ment was asserted and maintained in the days of our weakness; we must hot shrink from tho duty of defending it in tne days of our strength.” fy A fine looking coal-black i negro dame into outlines on the Botomac ast week, and reported himself for work, ; “ Culpeper Court House, sab.” “What’s the news down there!?” “Nothin,* massa, ’ceptdar’s amau down dar lost a mighty good and vatarable nig ger this morning,’ and I reckon Jiip dun lose some more ’fore night I | j <3* A farmer received a very polite note from a neighbor, requesting the; Joan of an ass for a few days. Being unajie to deci pher his friend’s hieroglyphics wish ing to conceal his ignorance fiwfa the ser vant, the farmer hastily returned for an answer, very well; tell your master I will wait on him myself presently. | far An honest Hibernian, reading his physician’s bill, replied thal he had no objection to pay him for , his molidne, bat bis visits he would return. EDITORS AND PROPRIETORS: ATTEND SCHOOL PUNCTUALLY. From an by a teacher to parents and scholars wecopythe follow ing summing up of the results of “unne cessary absence” from school, with the hope that they will be read with profit by both parents and scholars into whose hands our paper may fall: 1. If a boy leans to feel that he may leave his duties as a scholar for trivial causes, for causes equally trivial he will forsake his business when a man. 2. The time of the teacher and the whole school is wasted, while this absence is being recorded. 3. 'Die teacher’s time is wasted, in reading and recording the delinquent’s ex cuse, when he returns to the school. 4. He interrupts the exercises of the teacher, or some part of the school, in finding the places at which his various lessons commence. 5. He has lost the lesson recited yes terday, and does not understand that por tion of to-day’s lesson which depends upon that of yesterday; and such dependence usually exists. 6. The teacher’s time and patience are taxed in repeating to him the instructions of yesterday; which, however, for want of study, he does not clearly appreciate. > 7. The rest of the class are deprived of the instruction of their teacher, while he is teaching the delinquent. ' 8. The progress of the rest of the class is checked, and their ambition curbed, by waiting for the tardy delinquent. 9. The pride of the dam is wounded, and their interest in their studies abated, by the conduct of the absentee. 10. The reputations both of teacher and school suffer, upon days of public ex amination, by failures, which are charge able to the absence, and not to the instruc tion. 11. The means generally provided for the education of the delinquent are wrong fully wasted. 12. He sets a pernicious example for the rest of the school, and usually does some actual mischief while absent. A H abl> Sum. —“ Are you good at arith metic? I will give you some looses to add up, and calculate how much they come to. It is a good sum for the boys. They are losses made by strong drink. Loss of money. Loss of time. ' Loss of business. Loss of character. Loss of friends. Loss of good conscience. Loss of feeling. Loss of mind. Loss of life. Loss of the immortal souL “ It ie a long and terrible account to ran up; bn t it is an easy one to begin,'andl seen even boys beginning at the beer shops, —sometimes even adding to it at the tav ern and improper games. Little sisters ask sweetly, “stop! stop!” and bid them reck on up the losses before they go farther. Ask, “Can you afford such losses in time or eternity?” Eight More Iron Cl ah Monitors —The New York Post learns that noikss than eight iron clad ships, most of them Monitors, are now in hand in that city and ; vicinity alone. Two ofthese are very large vessels, and will not be ready for some time; but one of the new Monitors will be ready , in a few days; one is promised by, the first ' of September, and and another in Captain I Ericssen’s hands, is to be ready in thirty : days. On all these ships the work is going I on night and day alike., On one four hun- . dred men are constantly employed, one set of four hundred working by day and anoth er all night The work is pressed on fist as possible; and doubtless the Ordnance De partment will have the armaments ready to put on board the moment the ships are completed. With such a fleet of Monitors, all staunch and sea-going vessels, we shall make short work with the enemy on the codst. , tar “If I should be drafted into theser vice, what would you dol” asked a gen* : tleman of his loving spouse, lately.— a substitute for you, I suppoee,” die retorted. Whereupon, the topic of con- i venation was changed instanter. •aT An Irishman, who lives with, a veg etarian, writes to a friend that if he wants to know what illigant living is, he must come to his house, where thebreak&st con sists of nothing, and the sprier of what wasleft at the breakfast. “My dear doctor,” said a lady, “I i suffer a great deal with my eyes.”. Be patient, madam,” he replied,“you would probably suffer a great deal more without them. We stand too much in dread of mia construction, and spend, half oar days in making apologies and explanations, instead of quietly taking an appeal from the haur of die year. 49*X , n s R® 8 I 8 9 ponm ■fee;.* v' *" ’V,; ♦ 1 T-> ■■■• --I* . '< • u - ' NO. 31.
Significant historical Pennsylvania newspapers