The Altoona tribune. (Altoona, Pa.) 1856-19??, October 03, 1861, Image 1

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. i WM.FLINTt * *
No. 807 KiRKNT, N<£<BW ,HAltE ST
No. SOi MAaKJiT, Ko. 807 MAsSiv'
■*? m S ™ T> Pnn.A D? L 1 .rt^ No - 807
.mll*Auau» - .
PA. .
- ■ ' PA.
Tin:>u:xuovs sacxitjce
i ioo,ofto woktii or'iEirßlrßy - ,
A Lara: ami Splendid Areortinent of Jewelry,
. Ami all styles of PreiicU Plated Chains. Gold and i>tat»u
y AWilo not keep or sell, any silt, Rift or RalranlzedaOode
Ours is wh.iL arc sold Lv tUc beat Jewelers a* Gobi Jewell
iy. : '
W’h receive «ur poods from the best Gold Jewelry Min
ufacturcra in the States, . *
Thefullowiui: is ohlv a partial li*t ofeurimmenso ttnrV.
■ Largo .Size and Splendid Cameo Sets, General Retail ‘
> Prices, ■ • • - - . =
> Do do Lara do ; 10 to 30
’ Do do Carbuncle do : otoBo
: l>o Ladies'Emmudled and Coral do X-jtosQ
; "Do do ‘and Carbuncle do - f'ioZQ
Do do. and Ruby do i 7to 30
i Do Gold Cluster Crape Setting seta do ■ i 10 to 80
; Do do d»VaKedo do Ioto3o
Do do :do Jet Sets. »do ‘ _* 6lu 12
Du do : l>l:ick Mosaic do
' T Du «lo . Gold Stone Mosaic do
D«> do - -Calico Sets. do
| — K J}o Ribbon Twists. with mllliauts, do , ,*.6 to 16
v . Do^B^iiiL-t,Sets, new style, do BtOSOv
. r-> Enamelled Cluster do do lOjto 30
. Gold Thimbles, do - ‘3 to 7
[ Diamond Pointed Gold Pens aud Cased, Sio 6
I daz. Silver Plated Spoons, - 2 00
' Silver Plated Mugs. 4 00
,ov--r 1 ,5 0‘J other different sltles Ladies* Jewelry; Medal
: lions a!! styles, patterns and aize?; .LockeU of every.; d*»
&<:np(iu>; Gold Pens, 14 karct, with Silver Extension
Holder; Gold Pencils. Sleeve Duttons; Studs, Ac., Ac.; Con.
'• ul. LavaoCimeo and Ruml bracelets: Gents’ Vest Chains,
1 warranbld to wear fur ton years without changing color,
and wtH stand the acid—they ore usually sold by,Jewelers
f as solid-gold chains—nil made in Parts. Yuu’can taka
chuice f»»r $1 each. Ladics'and Gents* Guard Chains,
hjM by Jewelers at from si» to $3O <yfh ■
Radie?’-and Children's Neck Chains, beautiful patters’
. Armlets, brilliant, enamelled and ruby setting*; Crowe*!
v plain and enamelled, for $1 each, retail .prices front $5 to
$2O each. Every style aud variety of Jewelry and desira.
; |,le gOuds fvr SI-eaclu, ; -
- at the above prices, will continue long enough
eur hunif-nsj stock, which was purchased at a
{Treat'Sacrifice from Maimuartiirers who have4ailt*L
1 it: ' V.'ritf y*«ur »am-. plac*o of Resilience, Comity and
Stati*. pi tin i'lul »Usl:nr! f \\s wo can make noUdngout of
S-al-'iiH K-ifor.'i with \TAX,:is Envelopessealed wltlrgmn
ur wuf i's ran i)*; fussily—tLo consents. taken opt
ami v-f*--.ik-d. Attend to tlji.-», and wo will bo responsible
f ir \ouv uioin-y. ' •
Any acliaj as Agent, who will send os at out
SU»“, -w- a Oi>|.l Uimtiug Watch* ex Ira.
s*>\ ” ' CLever Watch. ■
;i “ ' Silver Watch. f
•A- and thy articles selected from the above List at
o;u‘ ImUhi’ Kadi.' ' . ’ .
V rs-j!!.-* ordering by mail must send $1 and IS contain
*UI iuum J.f! H«Mrc-«>icd to ' - \
Nu, SU7 Market Street,
Philadelphia* V*,
AUuoiia. March. 7, ISGI-firr.
The Largest and Lowest Prices ia
Pi‘l*burgh. Come and - see.-
Xo: t*7, Wood' Street,-
; at tla- Qld Stand.) ;
•lias fur sale iieatitiful Freilcb, German & Amer-
For Parian*,. '
00.000 rd!s at 121-5 ch*. 50,000 rolls at C, 8 nud 10 cents.
Windt) a Curtains, Fire Board Prints,
Tester Covert, Ceiling®, Ac,
Look fir tire Striped Trout.
Alto. Uia, March-7, lSi>l-4m.
C ns ’ V°^ M^U OpCUPANXi -
:nis‘ s. where ho will keep a large assortment of. Gold
and Wiitch*-i. of AramVanVEnglish arid Swfafc mao*
iJfHctme >of iln> most celebrated makers, In add-on to
which will be found always on baud (and made toorder) an
extensive variety of Jewelry, SilvcroiKl SilverPlkted mere,
together with » general assortment of ouch goods as at»
t usually kept in a first-class Watch ami tfewelry Store.
,Tti> patrons of o. Conrad, and those of .£be,fnitoocrtber,
together with tlu* public generally. palh and
Oow will revive a gc*>d article for their money. - A# t ia»
;-d* t *i mmrd to do a cash but-iness. goods will
low. ” Sin.dJ and Quick friiss" is the mbffriOf iOk
KaUblwhment. £ ■ LEWIS H. BUOOS4SI*'
> s . JKonu-wly 0, Cornni'
No. 148 N. Second St., cor. of QuaitTe Mtiadau’
June 7. ISOo.'-ly. ; ' .
J. now agitates tUf mind of nvr-ry
'«■ where can I "ct tlm best article for m;W
moil. ;,-; In reytr.l to other mutton, the
eeril.-r wouM not attempt to direct, but if jvju
want Miythiug in the line of
he invite an examination of Jus stock ami
Tie ke-’p? r«>n'*:!ut!y on hand an assortment ofßoots I SliO<-'S>
Gaiter**. Sl»p»u.*rg. &c., whidi he at CUr price*.
lie will giv** special attention to custom work* *ll ri
. vrfilch VTill lK- warrantwl to give* satisfaction. y one©at the
Lost workmen arc employed 5 \ p
my shop U on Viigmia street, inunedisttiy
opposite Kwuler'g Drug Store
September 3, ’oT-tfJ
Bakery and Grocery Start.
J. STA-NTLY Oil bnii'l ■
Frcsl«-Baked Bread. Cakes, &€
.GROCERIES, .. :sr
Ala),-a cliuicj lot of SKGAItS and ~
Street* below AnpfoStf'gCfe:
I to ths citizens’of Altor.naani) vkiniti'that
npcuwl a . i
" --—"P
Ou JULIA STJBF.JCT. 1 <U*>r abort Winter*'Tin
Altoona, where they will keop on band * good MSDTfmsp
of Root** and of their own manufacture.
Particular attention given to
OniUrs+ dc. They invite a shore of public patropag®*
tag satisfied thru th<*v can render entirtf satiS&ctfoifc.
. Altoona, Jan. 10, } Ol-tf JOHNSUOT*
Thw Groat Journal of Crime and
its Twelfth - .Year, aud la widely cirrototcd
the cotiutry. * It contain* ail the Greet Trial* SrißjjW
Co*o«, anti appropriate Editorials on tbeioni^lesettM^^F
informatioßon Criminal Matters, not
other newspaper. ■ • •
s2 per annom; $1 for six in9 n
ky Subscribers, (who should write thdf
ana the town, cohntyand State where they roSWepUwve
Editor k Proper, of New York TollcftOs*****
v Hew Xvrk.W*
Boots and shoes.—the un- f .
der»!gijed Ims now on hatul and will jA
' 5* - et , oro in'Uie Masonic Temple, a^P
! AJro^nnVW* 10 a f or " nc " f of BOWS *
made, or niaile toarder,
: Sand»l«,Oi«n Shoe*.
in hi* line of - ~
. the best quality and oh the most ritswM*
custom work, warranted. ■ •
VOL. 6.
-jS.® D 1 i
C' V
Kew-York Benevolent Infirmary, ‘
And devoted to The Cause of Medical Reform ; to the Dif-
m l .; nn ~f |tnlical fCnctclcdoe Aot* the Prevention of ZhseoMf*
Cnd to iho relief of those suffering and afflicted with Chro- ,
S?c and Disorders. To this end the. li.Bro.ary is
endowol toeinihle the sick and auffering throughout the
, • . j liniadth of bur laud. to avoi'i the ;i ouwiow
Extortion, and Ignorance of professed Physicians.
through wh(ch thousands and tens of thooaaode annually
The Mlowing are some of the diseases we cure, not only
at the Infirmary hut in all parts of our country :
Consumption and Pulmonary Complamt*, Fevers, Scrof
ula Dyspepsia- Eye and Bar Disease, Cancers and other
Tumors, Jaundice and MverCdmplalnt. Seminal Wealun-ss,
ami all diseases of the Urinary and Sexual Organ*, yam
whatever cause or whatever nature.- Our object will be to
rive joy to thoafflicted by effecting in all cases aapeedy cure.
* Our rale U t<» charge nothing for advice and written pre
scriptions; but Will fUrnUh whoa requested the Very best
uj.a.duesut the lowest rites. t
These remedies ore propped in our own Laboratory* un
der the care of «bfc Chemists, and are the most reliable
to science, including all the recent discoveries. ■
To all addressing jislby letter, containing lull account of
iT'ai-to'us .a td appearances of disease, age, uconpatiun.
We will write acaadU riply, with advice and directions
(or euro. Any fees sent us when sending for advice will b©
devoted to fur«l«hiog\medicine lor the poor. In all cases
nieJkine can be sent by mail of express If desired. Semi
js,r one or more of our works and judge fur yourselves.
Also published at the aid these objects.
O-ntaiulngUimple ron. edits easily obtained for the cure of
UijKUM in all Iw forma, with full explanation, of the
rausri, Bjunitoms, diet, bathing and exerci.o. Price 4U etc.
A woi'k on the cause, symptoms and treatment of ull
c.-!oi.laii>u peculiar to tlw sol, on marriage,: it* duties,
abortion and its results, oirChildrcii. thetr ills, uml on tiro
Prevention ofconception, with Invaluable Instructions to
tUem on subjects of n private nature, ,I'rice 25 rents.
The Gentlemen’s Medical ’Companion,
A book for the old aud ytmug. embracing tbo Pathology,
.Prevention And Cure- of all Diseases uf the Urinary and sex-
M\\ Organ*, and a warning voice of advice and counsel, such
a , to be found in uo other work. Price 25 cents.
It exposes all the Humbug*. ami the vari.nia Tricks to
entice the sick ami well. Tt lUmtntM the pious of the.
(meets and Itopucs to dupe every cue. It guu(M the mi
tt.,,,- through life, aud shows up cvA-y swindle uf the ago.
I'aijmrs how all kinds of Food, Medicines, Liquors and
Goods are adulterated, with the means of detecting tho
frauds. Trice 25 cent.
PLANTATION AND .SHOP. cvsrv familv, having over luoo receipts on Cooking,
Preserving. Dyeing, Cleariiiigrtc’. How tu plant and what
is the best to raise. How: to cure animats, advice lohousit
t-eperr, fanners and on luO!) subjects of Inter
est. Price 25 cents. Worth $lO to any .one.
For those who wish to cat well from that awful disease,
a full description of all t 1.4 remedies used lor it, with a
cnrsfnl statement of the results, and other useful inforuia-
Ron. Price 10 cents. • .
The Information in them is not to bot-jund many work*
published, nor obtainable; from any other source. These
Ljoka arc published ou flue whit© paper, and beautifully
bound. , . .
Any of {Tie above works will be mailed free, on receipt of
price, in stamps, or money; or the whole In a handsomely
bound Volume for one dollar. No family should bo with
out them. They are illustrated with'beautiful engravings,
and contain the condensed experience of years.
Agents Wanted for tho, who can make $l5O
a mouth. Scud for a circular for agents. _
To clie young ot botli sexes suffering from N «ecrerti:-ihit=;
prostration of mind; loss of power; nervous dfchHily; loss
of eight; wakefulness ;* lovo of solitude; eruptions on the
face, Ac., 4c. Said hrjore it is too late; before you suffer
IncurubSfc damage to both body aud mind.
To Female* who want pt/i\ ph-uaut uml Siirt remedies
for Irregularities, Obstruct ions. Whites, 4c,, bond to us. :
We are convinced that them are many patents of trrofa-, consumptive and diseased condition to whom a jili*
merous offspring only brings suffering and-poverty. To
anch wo would «iy write. and we will send information of
a sure, well-tested, and never-failing Preventive.
We will mail free, to any one applying for it,
It is a largo *od beautiful, paper, and contains the most
valuable information on Spormatorhcoa, or Seminal Weak
ness. Tha cans*, effects and cure, showing tho awful ef
fects of the disease,
On all other diseases of the Sexual Organa, a full expla
nation of the origin of Syphilis, tho means of prevention
and care.
On Consumption, that fearful disease.
Ooj tho Liver, Heart, Stomach afid Skin.
On Female Complaints.
On tho various Schools of.Mediciuc.?.
On tho modes of Treatment nowpractlsed.
On tbo Ftilßo Treatment of Diseases. - ■ •
On the various Medical Humbug*.
On the Physiology of s +
Oh the Comtjinn sense of Medicine.
On Diet, Exercises, and Ablution,-
How the Physician should I*s.
How to prevent Pregnancy.
And many other things. Send Poa it. - ,
This journal should lie in the hands of every one.
J. Bess ell, M. D.. A. M., Chief Physician. ■&. S. Morris,
Surgeon. Pr.J. Boyle, Chemist. '
Office iu New York. 154 Chambers street.
Office in Wniiarasbutgh, South Sth and sth streets. _
Cnrrespondr-nts will please enclose two or three stamps
for return postage, and address - w
- DR> A ggftNET, Secretary,
(Box 141.) Williamsburg, New York.
Nov. 15, 1860.-ly ’ ■ '
gTANT practice, can be consulted at the Allodnff
House. Mr. John viz.:— On the Ith of June, the
Sth of juty, and the lih of August— he will then vacate for
8 months. Notice will be given in .this paper, when-bd
commences his Winter's Term again.
Uo treats all diseases’that flesh is heir to. .He Invites all • suffering with diseases pocnliarto
their sex, to call and examine his new mode of treatment,
«t thousands hhve been;restored to .health who have been
abandoned by others. Dels in possession: o? perfecting
struments for soundiugtho lungs and chert and is there
fore able to determine the exact condition of the vital or
gans—consequently can treat such complaint* with greater
safety a uncertainty than It« possible flor those who guess
at the disease and expdrtineilt’forits curd. tyobelfoveß
that for every malady^there is found iu pur soil asure
and never-falling -
Patients can receive tventihent for $5 p*- month, except
in cases of Caueert'and ; Tumors, they vary from $lO to
$lOO. Examination fre<s. DB. W. LEVINQSTON.
N. B.—See Handbill*., ' r } f Mft y 8 » 6 J«
The subscriber would in
form the citizens of Altoona and vicinity that hl«
supplied with ths very best articles to be had, and in groat
variety. Ue baa also an i
attached to his store. In which he will sexfre up ICE CREAM
of oil Savors season. {
He is at alt times prepared to supply cakes, candies. Ac.,
'or pte-nfea and other parties. He iirvifosa kharp of public
patronage, believing that he can render full satisfaction to
Remember, bis store and saloon is on Virginia attect. two
floors below Hall. OTtO ROSSI.
tf ■ INS located permanently In Altoona, reapeitfully
6 ~** UaterrlcM lathe dlffwvmt depart aiepu of
Surgical and Mechanical Dentistry.
P® sen !* rl y opposite C. Jaggard’B Store, Virginia Bt., AI
,V' M . Tv rvj»y 1«, ‘6l-tf.
E. B. McCTtCM,... ••••••••••
P#r annual, (payable Invariably In advance,) $1,60.
All paperi discontinued at the expiration of the time
paid for
: l insertion . 2 do. , 3 do.
Four tinea or less. $ 25 $ 87W $ 50
One aquare,'( 8 tinea) » 50 <5; 100
Two 44 -(16 44 1 00 1 60; 2 00
Three 44 (24 44 )..... 1 50 :2 00; 2 50
Over three weeks and leas than three months, 25 cents
per square for each insertion.
3 month*. 6 months. 1 year.
Six lines or leas.. $ 150 $ 3 00 . $ 5 00
One square,... ~ 2 60 4 06 7 00
Two 44 4 00 6 00 10 00
Three 44 5 00 - 8 00 12 00
Pour « * 6 00 10 00 U 00
Half a column ♦ - 10 ;-14 00
One column 14 00 26 00 40 00
Administrators and Executors Notices..... j 1 <5
Merchants advertising by the year, three squares,
with liberty to change, .............. 10 00
Professional or Business; Cards, not exceeding 8
lines with paper, per year ;.......k.... 5 00
Conimmilcations of a political .uaracteror Individual in*
tercst will be charged according T'> tlie above rates.
Advejtimfmen .* not marked with tho number of Inser
tions desired, will be continued till forbid and charged ac
cording to the above term*.
Business notices five cents per line for every insertion* &.
Obituary notices exceeding ten liner., fifty cents a square
§rlctt |)orfrjj.
Swret Amy ask'd, with plodding eye*,
“Pear Charley, t.tuch mo—will yen?—
The Words I’vo lizard your Captiau say;
I should so like to drill you I”
“Whatl Utils one, yo« take command!
Well, Amy. I’w quite willing!
In Mich a company us yours
1 cun’t have too much drilling.
"Stand over there, and slog out clear,
Like this: ‘Squad—stand at ease.’”
“bhl; Charles, you ? ll wako papa up stairs—
Don't blioui like that, dear, please.” (
“I stand at ease, like this,you pee!
And then, I need scalee mention*
The next command you’ll have to give
Is this one: ‘Squad—Attention.!’
“.Sogr. Amy, sviaitly, after me, n
(Your slue, dear, it don’t bore yefu?)
‘Porwurd— Quick March—Halt —r#roal” So«
There, uow, l*m close before you.
♦‘Present arms—well, it does look .’odd,
You don’t believe I’d trifle;
We hold our arms out Joat like this,
In drill without the riflo.
u Now say; 1 Salute your officer.’”
“Oh, Charles, for shame; how can you!
I thought you were at some horrid trick,
You horrid, cheating tcaa, you. 0
Charles‘‘ordered arms"’ without command
She smoothed her rumpled hair*
And pouted, frowned, and Mushed, and then
Said softly—“As you were 1”
Juried Ulisccllanp.
How to take Life.
" Take life like a man. Take it: just as
though it was—as it is—an earnest, vital,
essential affair. Take it just as though
you personally were born to; the task of
performing a merry part in it —as though
the world had waited for your coming.—
Take it as though it was a gfand opportu
nity tp;do and achieve, to carry forward
great-ind good schemes ; to hblp and
cheer a suffering, weary, (it may be heart
broken) brother. The fact is, life is un
dervalued by a great majority of mankind.
It is not made half as much of as sbou;d
be the 'ease. Where is- the man pr woman
who accomplishes one tithe of whjit might
be done? Who cannot look back upon
opportunities lost, plans frustrated/ aspi
rations unfulfilled, thoughts crushed, and
all caused by the lack of the necessary
1 and passible effort.
If wc knew' better how to take and
make the most of life, it would be far
greater than it is. Now and then a man
stands' aside from the crowd, labors ear
nestly, steadfastly, confidently, and straigt
way becomes famous for wisdomyintellecfc,
skill, or greatness of some sort. The
world wonders, admires, idolizes, and yet
it only illustrates what each map may do
if he takes hold of life with a purpose. —
If a than says he i oill, and follows it up,
there is nothing in reason he may not ex
pect to accomplish. There is no magic,
no miracle, no aficret to him whh is brave
in heart and determined in spirit.
An Interesting Story;— “ Shon, my
son,’’said a worthy German father to his
hopeful heir, of 10 years, whom he had
overheard using profane language; “Shon,
mine'son ! come here and 1 vill fell .you a
little shtory. mice son, shall it be
a drue shtory, dr a makes helievje?”''
“Oh a true shtory, of coarse,’’ answered
John, f !
“ Very veil, den. There yah vonce a
goot nice old shentleman, (shoost like me)
and he had a dirty little bdy, (shoosf like
you.)' AntLvon day lie heard him swear
ing, like a young villian as he vas. So he
vent ito de corner, and toot out a cowhide
shoost as I am doing now, and he dook
ter dirty little blackguard py de pollar, and
volloped him, shoost so I and den, mine
tear 'sou, he bull his ears dia yay, and
shmack hb face dat veryA’ay, and dells
him to go mitout his supper, shoost as you
vill do dis evening.”
faith is the richest:exchequer
of Goveniments, for the more it b drawn
upon, the Airier it b,andits r&6uvm in
crease with its payment*.
Getting married.
.Hi C. BERN,
During the last summer a little incident
transpired in one of the eastern towns,
which afforded spme amusement to the
spectators at the time, and fuoiished food
fur a considerable gossip thereafter. It
occurred in church, in ope of those" quiet
afternoons when all the world seems ready
to drop asleep; when the flies buzz lazily
qu the .window-panes, and the dog lies on
the door stone.
The afternoon service had ended, and
the congregation wero ; arranging them
selves for the benediction, when, to the
great astonishment of the worshippers,
the good parson descended from the pul
pit to the desk below, and said in a calm
clear voice.
“Those wishing to be united in the
holy bonds of matripiony, will now please
come forward.”
A deep - stillness instantly fell over the
congregatidjjjjbroken u&ly by the rustling
of silk, as some “pretty girl or excited
matron changed her position to catch a
view of the couple to be married. No
one, however, arose, or seemed the least
inclined to rise.
Whereupon, the worthy clergyman, be
lieving his first notice unheard or misun
derstood, repeated the invitation in a still
plainer voice:
“ Let these persons wishing to be united
in the holy bonds of matrimony now come
Still no one stirred. The silence be
came alarming, and a painful sense of the
awkwardness of the position was gradually
spreading among those present, when a
young gentleman who had occupied a va
cant seat in the broad aisle during the ser
vice, slowly arose and deliberately walked
to the foot of the altar. He was a good
looking and-well dressed man ; butmo one
kne|W him, and no female accompanied his
travels. When he arrived within a re
spectful distance of the clergyman, he
paused, and with a reverent bow stepped
to one side of the aisle, but neither said
anything nor seemed at all disconcerted
at the idea of being married without a
The clergyman looked earnestly around
for the bride, who, he supposed, was yet
to arrive, and at length remarked to the
young gentleman, in an under tone :
“ The lady, sir, is dilatory I” -
“ Very, sir.”
“Had we not better defer.the ceremo
“ I think not. Do you suppose she will
be here soon ?”
“ Me, sir!” said the astonished shop
herd—“ that is a matter belonging to your
A few moments more were suffered to
elapse in this unpleasant state of expect
ancy, when the clergyman renewed his
interrogatories :
“ Did the lady promise to attend at the
present hour ?”
“ What lady ?”
“ Why, the lady yod are waiting here
for?” !
“ I did,not hear her say any thing about
it,” was the young gentleman's unsutisfac
tory reply.
“ Then, sir, may I ask why you are
here, and for what purpose you triflle in
the sanctuary of the Most High?” said
the clerical gentleman, evidently somewhat
“ I came, sir, because you invited all
those wishing to be united' in the holy
bonds of matrimony to step forward, and
I happen to entertain such a wish Z I
am very sorry to have misunderstood you,
sir, and now I wish you a very good
The benediction was uttered with a so
lemnity of tone little in accordance with
.the twitching of the facial nerves; and
when, after the church was closed, the
story gave wind among the congregation,
more than one girl regretted that her
wishes had not been as boldly expressed
as those of the young gentleman who had
really wished to be “united in the holy
bonds of matrimony.” .
What I Like to See. — I like to see
a woman out in the morning scraping up
chips to kindle the fire, while her husband
lies- in bed ; it shows that she thinks more
of him than of herself.
I like to see mechanics keep their shpp
doors and windows closed until the sun is :
an hour high, to show they- are indepen
dent and ask no favor of their customers.
I like to see a young woman walking
the, streets on Sunday in her silks, with
holes in her stocking—it shows that they
'are mote attentive to things! above than
I like to see men crowding around- the
biir-room on Monday morning before sun
rise, it shows their anxiety to get to the
week’s employment in good season.
I like to sec a woman send her butter
to market in a dirty cloth, it shows- econo
my and saves washing. -
10. A Dutchman’s receipt for making
a Zouave Take a recruit, keep him for
ty-eight hours, mit noting to eat; den
march him forty-eight hours—noting to
eat ; den let him fight like hell fdrty-dtgh|t
hours —nothing to eat; and den py tapi
he be von Zouave.
[independent in everything.] n \
How a Darkey got to EastoU,
A genuine son of Hanoi’, some sixteeh;
or seventeen years of age,; asked the con
ductor, Mr.- , to let him ride to Eas
ton, but he refused to do so. As the
train was about starting, however, 1 one of
the hands employed on it told Sambo to
jump on, which be did. After the train
had been sometime oh its way, the con
ductor, in passing round to collect the
fare, came to where Sambo sat,,- when the
following dialogue ensued ? ; r .
Conductor —Where’s your ticket ?
Sambo—Got none, massa.
C.—Who told you to get on ?
S. —De gentleman on de injine.
C. —Well, I wan’t you to get off at the
next station
% S. —Yes, sab.
At the next station, sure~enougli;' Sam
bo got off; but when the conductor called
out “ all aboard,” he jumps on again.—
Presently Mr. Conductor in going his
rounds again; came to where Sambo sat,
when th 6 dialogue was revived :
C. —Didn’t I tell you to get off at the
last station ?
S. —Yes, sab, so I did; but den you say
“all aboard,” den I pops'on again.
C.—Well now I tell you to get off at
the nest station.
S.—Yes sah. I will.
At the next station, as before, Bambo
got off; and at the word “all aboard” he
jumps on again. The train had sped
on its way, when the conductor was not a
little surprised and chagrined to find bis
colored passenger still on board.
(J.—l told you that you should get off
at the next station. Why didn't you do
so ?
S. —I did, sah, but you said agin, “all
aboard,” den I got on agin.
0. —Well you’ve rode so far, I guess
you may ride the rest of way.
Tue Squire’s Indigestion.— Squire
II was a very successful and sub
stantial farmer, in an interior town of
Massachusetts, and a .more amazing eater
never lived in any town anywhere. And
especially much did he eat when fresh
pork was to his nourishment. Well, at a
certain time one ,of his hogs had been
killed. The next morning there was fresh
pork for breakfast, and the old man ate
most wondrously. In the course of the
forenoon he ate nis luncheon, consisting
of bread and butter, mince-pic and cheese.
At noon his dinner consisted of fresh
pork, pickles, mince-pie, and the usual
accompaniments. His afternoon luncheon
was like tnat of the forenoon. When he
came home to supper his favorite dish had
not been prepared as part of that meal.
The old man fretted and scolded till fresh
pork was added to- the substJntials. He
ate voraciously as usual.; In the evening
he toasted some cheese, buttered it and
ate it. < Just before going to bed he roasted
a couple of apples and ate them. In the
night he was taken with a severe colic
The doctor was with him till morning, and
nearly wrought a miracle in the old man’s
life. The Belles \VS. - onc
of his neighbors, went in to condole with
the “ Old Squire.” “ Faithful Holies,’?
said the old worthy, “ I like to have died
last night. I’ll never eat another roast
apple as long as I,live. I never did lpve
them very well, and last night I ate only
two, and they dearly killed me!”
Bolles never told this story without
Iris it Advertisements. —Tony Gown
is advertised as having lost “A pig,with a
very long tail, and a black spot on the top
of its snout that curls up behind..”
A cow is described, as being difficult to
milk, and of no use to any one but the
owner, who had one horn much longer
than the other.
John Hawkius is alluded to as having
“ a pair of grey eyes with a little or no
whiskers, and a Homan nose, that has a
great difficulty in looking any one in the
Betsy Waterloo is accused of having
“absconded with a,chest of drawers, and
a cock and hen/ has red hair and a bro
ke# tooth, none of which are her own.”
The Manager of the Savings Bank at
Dunferry, near. Goofowran, is spoken of
in these terms: —“He had ,on when las|t
seen a pair of corduroy trousers, yitn a
- tremendous sqint rather the worse for the
wear, besides ah affected lisp, which he
endeavors to conceal with a pair of spec
tacles.” '
A burglar has a portrait taken in the
following manner He has little or no
hair, with jet black eyes -on a turh-up
hose which is dyed black to conceal his,
grayness.. | i
g&- “ Say, (Bete dousing, is swords
,’bolished'ip. ?”
«Ob course dey isn’t, Snowball; what
for you ax sctch a stupid questen, you ig
norant niggah V* : , L
“ Oh, nuffin, ouey I, heerd tudder day
dat five tousand sojers was a goin to take
de held with Sickles
10. Eyen if a pieman badasmapy looks
upon bet heart as she has upon her head,
a cunning rogue would find bis way into it.
A Loafer's Soliloquy.
I wish I knew whereto get a cent, I
do. Blest if I don’t., emigrate to Kamt
schatka, to ' dig gold. Money’s scarcer
thanfwit; esh’t live by either at least I
can’t. Sold the last old shirt, pawned my
boots for three cents, and went home as
rich as a lord.
Told my landlady I had a hundred
thousand dollars, and wanted the best
room in the house, resulted me by say
ing the attic was much tbp good for me.
I’m an injured individual. Society
persecutes me, 1 don’t do any
barm as l know on. 1 don’t rob,winder’s
houses. I don’t know widders. 'l..don’t
put the : bottle to my neighbors lipi?.. I
ain’t got no neighbors, and the fact is,'l
don’t owp any bottle. Couldn’t fill it if
I did. I’m; an innocent, man. Nobody
can look me in the face and say I ever
hurt ’em—nobody; arid yet 1 haven’t got
a roof to lay me head into. My old land
lady rated me—-why? I couldn’t pay and
I left.. ’Cause why ain’t it better to dwell
in the corner of a housetop than with a
brawling woman in a wide house ? But I
ain’t got a housetop; and if I had a corner
wouldn’t be safe, would it?
i , 1
I’m a desp’ntc man. I’d get to work
if it was: not for my excessive benevolence.
I’m afraid of taking the bread out of some
body’s mouth. Besides, wisdom is the
principal thing; don’t the book say so ?
What’s money to wisdom ? Ain’t I stud
ying character ? If a man kipks me be
cause I can’t pay for my linkers, ain’t I
getting Understanding? Ain’t it a lesson
to human patur’ ? I’m told the world
owes me a living. When is it going'to
pay, I wonder ? I’m tired waiting.
A Battle-Field a Fortnight after
the FiqHi.-p-"A correspondent of the Cin
cinnati Gazette, who was one of a party
sent to Springfield, Mo., for the body of
Gen. Lyon, gives the following account of
the battle-field a fortnight after the fight:
“There still remain about seventy-five
or one hundred unburied bodies upon the
field of battle, besides a largo number of
horses. • The bodies are, in every instance,
those bf Federal soldiers, and are gener
ally lying on hard gravelly ridges. Those
who fell, in the hollows, or where the earth
was soft, ha|e been hid from view. The
stench arising from the field is not as over
powering as might be supposed. With a
single exception, every face has turned as
black as Etbiop’s, and that one, strange
to say, persists in retaining its Circassian
characteristic", In several instances,'the
visitor can flistinctly see where wounded
. men' have dragged themselves from the
places vf here-they fell to the shade afforded
by‘the few shrubby oak bushes in the field,
and there with the crimson lido of life
ebbing away, and no kind hand to admin
ister so trifljng a thing as a cup of water,
for of which they were famish
ing, they laid them down to die. Some
of pur wounded men, who had thus sought
the shade, were not found for three or four
days after the battle. What a succession
of eternities those days must have been
to theip! Corporal Conant, of the First
Missouri Regiment, was left upon the field
four days, and is now doing well. Brave
fellow 1 after he had fallen, although .una
ble to get off his hack, he fired twenty-five
shots at the enemy.”
She Couldn't Trust Him.— A young
gentlemanin Indiana, being both engaged
to bo married and enlisted in a rifle-com
pany,’chose to forego the latter duty,
which, coming to the ears of the expect
ant bride sin hour before the time fixed
for the ttedding, provoked from her the
following note : “Sir—l am constrained
to say while as a wife I should have
mourned ypurabsqnce on the battle-field,
I am do less pained at your want of man
hood ip “ backing out.” .1 am apprehen
sive that after enlisting In my company
yon might Serve me the same way.' The
bearer- will; deliver yon your notes and
Sundry presents. For your kindness to
me I am deeply grateful, and I trust you
will alWays esteem me as ybnr friend. I
can be nothing more.” '
Humanity;—A certain highly merciful
Judge had trial of a man
for murder, by sentepping him to be hung
that very day. A petition was immedi
ately Signed 'by the hair, j ury, add people,
praying that longer time might be given
thd poor prisoner. The Judge replied to
petition that “ the man had heed found
guilty: the jail wan very unsafe, and be
sides, it was so Very uncomfortable that
he did not think a man ought,'to he re
quired to stay in it longer than necessity.”
And His Honor’s ideas of humanity were
promptly (mrned out.
Spurgeon.—-The following anecdote is
told of Spurgeon. An elderly minister
called upon him congratulali ng him upon
his.success,*and mildly rebuking him for
his eccentricities. Mr. Spurgeon took
three peoce out of his. pocket, and said :
“I)r. B—r—S the other day I was so an
noy eij byun organ-grinder that I gave the
map throe pence to go away.. Now
you take! the same sum, or shall I make
U sixpence?”
Artemua Ward’s Courting XXJMMftv
’Twas a cann still nite in Joeti. Wbsa
all natdr was bust & nary a Zeffer distrib
uted the silence. 1 sot with the objak of
my affeeshuns on the fense of her daddy’s
pastur. I bad experensed a hankeriu
arter her fur sum time, but daraentpro*
claim my pashun. Wall we sot that on
the fense a swingin our feat 2 & fro ft
blushing as red as the Baldirigsrlll *P#l«
bous when it was ponted, & looking; very
cimpul, I make dowt. Mi left Urm waa
okupied in balunsin miself on the fense,
while my rite arm was woond affekshnniU
ly round Suzanner’s waste.
Seal, “ Sozanner I thinka <vera muob
ov yu.” - H
Sezshe, “How yu durun on.”
\ Sez I, “ I wish thar war winders tn tti
sole eoz yu oood see sum of mi fealins," A
I sido'deaply. . ’ ;
I pawsed hear, but as she mud no repli, I continood on in the fpllerin straps:
v “ Ah, cood ja no the sleaplis
pars on ynr aoedapt, how vittles has seasP
tu be atrraoktiv tamo & how rin Hmt Is
shrunk up yer dowt ms. by u«
means Case on this wtpitin form A thess
sunkin ize," I crlde jumpVn up.
I shpod hav continood sum v timo longer
prohly, but unfortunitly I lost tuijbalance
and fell over intu the pastur keV smaah
tarin mi cloze & severely damaging Bliself
ginerally. Suzaner sprang tu mi assist
ance & dragged me 4th in dubblp quick
time. Then drawn herself up tu her foil
bite sed: •
“I won’t listen to yur nonoenta any
longer, jest yu sa rite put what yu Sir
drivin at. If yu mean gettin hitched l*m
Time.—When we play, or labor, or
sleep, or dance, or study, the sun passeth
and the sand runs. In'all the actions a
man performs, some part of his life pae
seth. We die without doing that for which
our eliding life was granted. Nay, though
we do nothing, time keeps in constant
pace and flies as fast in idleness as in em
ployment. An hour of vice is as long as
an hour of ' virtue; but the difference
whiciHollows upon good actions is infinite
from that of ill ones. The good, though
it diminishes our time here, yet it lays up
a pleasure for eternity, and will recompense
what it takes away, with a plentiful return
at last.
lg£,A Locofoco Senator, who waa pat;
sing along Madison avenue the day after
the secession of South Carolina, met ait
old and well known negro lumbering to
wards the White House. The old negro
accosted him in his usual manner.
“ Good mora,” massa.
“ Good morning, Pete,” was the res
ponse; “where are you going in such a
haste?” ’
“'Well, massa, I’ze gwineto do White
House to get ar Gov’ment ’pvntment.” .
“ Indeed 1 what appointment?” /
“ I’ze gwine to git do ’piutmont to- pick
de stars out of de flay of de Union V
The Senator passed on.
No Supper Eater. —“ Reflect, my
brethren,” exhorted a chaplain, “that
whosoever falls this day in battle, sups
to-night in Paradise.” The fight began,
the ranks wavered, the chaplain took to
his heels, when l a soldier reproachfully tor
minded him of the promised supper in
paradise. “ True, my son, 7 ’ said,the chap
lain, “ but I never cat supper 1”
*6T r “ Father, what does a printer live
“Why, child?”
<•" Because you said you hadn’t paid. jhitO
for three years, and you still take the pa
“ Wife, spank that child 1”
*ST Major Jack Downing once said to
General Gin’ral, 1 have; air
ways observed that those persons who
have a great deal to say about being ready
to shed sheir last drop of blood, art ama
zin’ parfic’lar about the first drop.
A Mban Man.—The following is Aunt
Betsey’s description of her milk-men v
“He"}s the ip tbe potol,*
she exclaimed. “He skims .his milk do
the top, and then he turns it over «ai
skims the bottom.”
SST An advertisement in ane*«p*p*riB
like * circle in thomatej, qqgt'u|q*U]r
spreading itself. Throw, ia your rocfco
aha try it
If a person bujsiwoappfes and
eats them both immediately nO*»a»y
will jet remain ? Of cartt then f itt M
two Tefi. •
- ta. The latest description qf t%!
ibrence between a good soldier and it turn*
kmable lady ia-'-onefaocs the powder and
the.other powdws theikoel : v vt
tethq r thfnb
reJnetnt «lar« to vice iteit
was a poor fellow who bad hie angers la